Jay woke up with his head throbbing. He blindly felt around for his phone, but his hand grazed Will who was sleeping with a soft snore beside him. He remembered how he ended up at Will's place after having partners' tiff with Hailey and how safe he felt as a 7 years old going to bed being tucked in by his brother. He was slightly touched, and embarrassed, that at 30ish his brother still tucks him in and sleep by his side. He didn't deny that he still feels as safe as back then, though. Growing up, they had always been close. He looked up to Will and Will doted on him. That was why he was hurt because Will wasn't around when their mom was dying, and also when he went back from the army. He knew Will beat himself about it, and he still is. Jay swore he saw remorse in Will's eyes every time those topics accidentally popped up. Sighing, he pushed himself sitting and put his head in his hands.
"What is it?" Will asked in a hoarse voice.
"Headache," mumbled Jay. Will turned on the bedside light and felt Jay's forehead and pulse. He gave Jay two Tylenols and a bottle of water.
"Here, drink this," Will shrug the pills in his hand. Jay took it and gulped the water. "Careful. Don't go too fast." Will took the water bottle back and capped it. He started massaging Jay's temple with one hand and put his other arm on Jay's back, massaging the nape of his neck.
"You get headache often?" asked Will.
"Only when I'm sick or stressed," mumbled Jay.
"Go lie down. Feeling better?"
"A bit. Yeah," sighed Jay. Will guided Jay to lie down, massaging his temple and nose bridge alternatively until Jay fell back asleep.
When Will woke up, he saw Jay slept in the same position as previously. Remembered that Jay usually trash around when he sleeps, and what happened previously, Will felt Jay's pulse.
"Your paranoia is getting worse," said Jay. Will could hear smile in his voice.
"Your pulse did spike earlier," remarked Will. "Feeling better?"
"A little bit, yeah. Didn't have nightmare," answered Jay. Will looked at his phone. 5.30 am.
"Good then. Go back to sleep," Will mumbled.
"I'm gonna see a shrink. I'll attend the group meeting again. I just want to get better... get healed. I don't want to just avoid the triggers," said Jay. He had been awake for a good hour now, thinking hard. He couldn't rely on people around him anymore. Sure, it's great to have them around and he won't have it any other way, but he needed professional help as well. He realised that he only slept peacefully when he had someone with him, be it Will or Hailey. He wanted to go to bed and wake up with no nightmare, no matter how tough their cases are, or how shitty his life is.
"Good for you," said Will. He ruffled Jay's hair. Jay smiled and closed his eyes. A couple years ago he went back from war wounded. He had no contact with his family. Mouse was the only person in his life. He was worried sick now that Mouse was in Afghanistan, but when Will came back to Chicago, re-entered his life, living 15 minutes away, he felt secure. He looked up and relied on Will a lot when they were younger. He got the sense of security again, that he could rely on Will. He would never be too old for Will to tuck him in.
Jay woke up again at 7. Will was gone, and he heard Will and Nat talking outside. He grabbed his phone and scrolled through his emails and texts, finding one unread message from Hailey last night, saying she was then available to call. He realised he needed to talk to Hailey. However, it could wait until after the burial.
"Hey, sleepy head," said Will when Jay went out of Owen's room. "You know, you could have tried to look more excited to see us. Owen usually ran, with cute face may I add," teased Will.
"Yeah, not gonna happen," Jay laughed. He sat on the kitchen counter.
"Pancake?" asked Will. Jay nodded.
"What time are we leaving again?" asked Jay.
"The burial's at 12. We'll go to the funeral house at 11, then go to the cemetery. You need to pick up your suit, don't you?"
"Yeah," said Jay. He ate his pancakes in silence.
Hailey smoothed her dress and approached the small group on the cemetery. She could see Natalie, Will, and Jay sitting together in the front row. She hesitated. Sure she was hurt and angry by what Jay said, but she had promised to be there.
She approached from beside Natalie, hesitating. She stood at the back of the group until Natalie somehow looked around and saw her. She smiled. Natalie whispered to Will, and pointed to an empty seat behind Jay. She obliged and sat behind Jay, squeezing Jay's shoulder. Jay turned around and was taken aback seeing her. She smiled sadly. Jay grabbed her hand and wasn't letting go until a few minutes later when they stood up.
Will gave final speech; Jay had firmly declined earlier; and both of them laid roses in the ground. Jay choked back a sob. Will clapped his shoulder and guided him back to his seat when their extended family went to the pit. Will made an eye contact with both Natalie and Hailey before joining his aunt, taking Natalie with him. Hailey moved to sit beside Jay and put her hand lightly on his knee. Neither wanted to break the silence.
"I'm sorry," whispered Jay finally. It dawned on him that he only said "sorry" and "thank you" to Hailey these past few days.
"We'll talk about that later," Hailey said firmly. "How are you doing? Sorry, I was in the middle of something last night."
"I don't feel good," said Jay. Admitting that to her was a step. Last year, he always answered her questions with "I'm fine", however far from fine he was. "Really tired. This funeral drained me," he elaborated. Hailey rubbed his back.
"I should be meeting the guests," said Jay.
"You feel up to it?" asked Hailey concerned seeing his pale face and trembling hands. Jay took a deep breath and nodded. Hailey helped him stand, guided him to where Will was talking with someone.
"Aunt Mabel, thank you for coming," said Jay.
"If there's anything you boys need, let us know," said Aunt Mabel. Jay and Will both muttered thank you, shook some more guests, then once the guests were leaving, Will clapped Jay on the shoulder.
"Let's go," said Will. Natalie and Hailey followed behind. "You guys wanna have lunch together?" asked Will.
"Yeah. Ask Hailey," replied Jay. Hailey agreed. However, they all decided that they don't want to eat out, so they would order from a Thai Restaurant and go to Natalie's place. Jay followed Hailey to her car. He didn't bring his car and rode with Will and Nat previously. He sighed when they hopped in the car. Undoing his tie and first button, he leaned back and closed his eyes. Hailey eyed him with concern.
"You okay?" Hailey touched his shoulder. Jay nodded. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel Hailey's sceptical look.
"Just exhausted. I'm really tired," mumbled Jay. Hailey passed him a water bottle.
"Drink," Hailey ordered. Jay obliged. He felt really drained after the burial, to be honest he didn't have the energy to do anything. However, he needed to talk to Hailey, and they just buried his father therefore he wanted to be around Will. Will seemed to be taking it just fine. The only time Jay saw his remorse was after Jay got shot. Well, Will has Natalie, maybe she was his punching bag. Or maybe Will didn't need a punching bag, because not everyone is an asshole like him.
"Just rest for a while, alright? We'll go to Natalie's place." Hailey drove to Natalie's place slowly, giving Jay more time to snooze. Jay was fast asleep. When they arrived, Hailey shook his arm. "Wake up, Jay." Hailey was a bit cautious of a PTSD attack, but Jay just yawned and rubbed his eyes. He was grateful for the alone time with Hailey since they needed to talk.
"Listen, Hailey," he started. "I don't know how I should apologise. I think the only thing I constantly do is pushing you, no, everyone away. I didn't trust easily, and I still don't. History confirmed why I shouldn't. It isn't that I don't believe you. I do. You're one of the people I trust the most, even more than Voight. You are trustworthy, and you have done nothing to prove otherwise," he gave a speech.
"But?" Hailey asked. There's always a 'but'. The 'but' that hurt her, the 'but' that made her re-evaluate her decision to stand by Jay while throwing punches at Antonio's boxing gym. She was afraid that if she talked to him last night, she might snap. As much as she knew how sorry Jay was, at least one of them had to be in the right place emotionally for that conversation to take place.
"But… I have my trust broken before, Hailey. It happened so many times I lost count. With many others…CIs, classmates, Army buddies, I don't really mind. But Mouse, and Erin… I never expected them to. So I learned to keep my guard up, and to rely on no one's words," said Jay sadly. He realised how awful that sounded. He wanted to blurt out to her, that he trusts her with anything. That he knew she wouldn't let him down. But they died at the tip of her tongue. He looked at her sadly, and shook his head.
"Okay," said Hailey.
"What's okay?" asked Jay.
"I was wondering what I did wrong to make you think that. But if the issue is on you, not me, than you have to work to make it right," Hailey declared. "I'm not working with someone who doesn't trust me, Jay. You jumped to conclusion yesterday. That implied you didn't trust me."
"I know, and I'm really sorry. I saw red. It happened before, Hailey. I should've known better this time. You don't deserve me," Jay bowed his head in defeat. Hailey had tears in her eyes. On top of the whole situation, her heart broke for her partner for the umpteenth time that week. She didn't realise throughout their partnership that Jay had his own reason for keeping her at arm's length. He was afraid she would betray him.
"Will told me that by saying that, I'm pushing people away, including you. And he's right. I don't want to push you away. I'm gonna go to therapy again. I want to start trusting people. I don't want you, or anyone else, to feel that I doubt them. I don't want to hurt anyone."
"That's good, Jay. It would be helpful. I want you to see that you can trust people. That not everyone is gonna let you down," said Hailey. "And, please think higher of yourself. It's almost you want to believe that people will always let you down because you don't deserve them. You deserve all loyal people in your life, because you are one of the most loyal person I know."
"I'll try. Thank you, partner. I owe you so much," Jay pulled Hailey in a tight hug. Her thigh grazed the hand brake and her shoulder hurt from being in awkward angle, but she reciprocated the hug. She was glad to see him determined to change how he sees the world. Now her part is to show him that he can let people in and trust them. Jay felt Hailey choked back a sob, and rubbed her back.
"Sorry you got dragged into my family events. Let me take you out to dinner next week. I want to thank you properly, I don't think I could go through this week without you," said Jay.
"I can't. Aunt Hailey duty next week, you have to battle little Angie for that," Hailey laughed. "Let me tell you, she's very strong."
"Alright alright, what can I say? Of course Angie can have her own time with Aunt Hailey," Jay chuckled and opened the door. Finally, she thought. Will and Nat would be finished eating by the time they arrived.
"Not own time. When my other sister-in-law knew that Angie's staying over, she jumped at the chance of getting free babysitter. So Aunt Hailey has three little girls to babysit next week," Hailey rolled her eyes, but smiling excitedly thinking about her nieces. "What about this? When you finish your therapy, we'll go get dinner."
"Deal," said Jay.
"Tell me if you need anything? Even if you only need someone to talk to after a nightmare?" Hailey flashed a smile and looked at him from the corner of her eyes.
"Yeah," Jay agreed. For the first time that week, he felt certainty. He was lost, not only from being orphaned but also dealing with his own demons. He still had nightmares, still unsure how he would beat them, but he was optimistic. He has good support system in Will and Hailey, and he is determined to get healed. Soon, he won't only be able to avoid the triggers of PTSD, but the triggers won't bother him anymore.
Didn't realise last chapter was angsty as I tried to insert jokes between the team to lighten the chapter. And as weird as this sounds I do miss the fights between them in the show, they used to be so good at disagreeing.
Shall we jump a week and meet Angie? Or jump into a new case? I have few alternatives...trying to gather idea from the show (H-7 until the show is back!) and fanfics (looking forward to read new updates!).
