The Alliance of Beard Enjoyers vs. the United Harem of Aether, Article by Charlotte
Beards. We've seen them on lumberjacks, wizards, and that creepy old man who breaks into your house every year with a bag for the children. Hairstyles and fashion trends come and go, but beards are eternal. And eternal would be the proper word to describe the ABE, the Alliance of Beard Enjoyers.
Its origins predate written history. The organization was long established millennia before the rise of Khaenri'ah, the Archon Wars, King Deshret, and almost every major event in Teyvat history. Moreover, it has remarkable sway over governments. For example, the recently repealed Sakoku Decree banned outsiders from Inazuma, but the ABE pressured the Tri-Commission and received an exemption. Impressive, considering the organization isn't an organized military arm, secret organization, or a cult.
Simply put, the ABE is an international organization of men who enjoy facial hair. Members are united by a shared hobby of beards, much like Genius Invocation unites many players. As such, chapters meet in every city to discuss beard grooming and hygiene, sometimes gathering hundreds of thousands of attendees.
Members of the Mondstadt branch include Adventurer Guild Leader Cyrus, Smith Wagner, Draff, Liben, and Adventurer Stanley. Other prominent members include former Grand Sage Azar, the Harbinger known as the Jester, Chief of the Children of Echoes Pacal, and Capitano (allegedly though no one can confirm). The list of former members is a who's who of Teyvat's biggest power players: Rex Lapis, Elynas, members of the Lawrence Clan, King Deshret, and Local Legend He Won't Die. Remarkably, the organization also has female members; notably Paimon and Navia.
Recently, the organization has come to blows with the United Harem of Aether. The famous traveler briefly grew a beard. The UHA convinced him it didn't work and he shaved it, sparking outrage from the ABE.
Liben, a member of the ABE and a justice on the UHA's court, confessed his unease with the situation. He explains, "Every beard looks rough at first. Aether could've groomed it a little more and made it work."
Other ABE members were much more outspoken. Draff said, "That's the problem with these girls—they want an effeminate male because they can boss him around. Soon as a guy gets a beard, he's not their little plaything anymore." He went on to ramble incoherently, saying, "Even the gods are against us bearded men. Just look around and you'll see it! Guys with facial hair never get Visions. That's because the gods are mostly women who want to make us all soft femboys."
Following this comment, fellow hunter Allan handed Draff a bottle of wine. He apologized for Draff's outbursts by saying, "Sorry, he gets weird when he's sobered too long."
Draff isn't the only person to feel this way. ABE members report feeling slighted by the gods. An Akademiya study may validate those feelings. According to recent findings compiled using millennia of data, most male Vision wielders don't have facial hair. Statistically, men with beards are 70% less likely to receive a Vision than those with. This statistic rings true across all nations and every element.
When asked to comment on Draff's rant, Raiden Ei said, "I liked Aether's beard, but I was just outvoted. As for his statement on who receives a Vision, there's a lot more to it than…" she paused, becoming rather thoughtful. "Actually, now that I think about it, many people with Electro Visions seem to be attractive women. Huh. Maybe I do have a bias after all." Raiden Ei has since decided to attend sensitivity and awareness training to confront any potential subconscious prejudice. When asked if they would also attend, the other archons declined to answer.
While Ei attends her training, most other UHA ladies remain adamant that Aether should not have a beard. They point out the fact he has a ponytail. According to UHA Senator Lisa: "The only men with beards and ponytails are niche rockstars, unemployable hippies, and Vikings! Believe me, Aether does not have the face for a Viking." She visibly shuddered at the mental image. If her reaction is anything to go by, the other UHA members will not join Ei in her sensitivity training.
UHA Senate Leader Keqing passed legislation that bans Aether from radically altering his look without consulting at least two UHA members beforehand. While the House has yet to vote, many feel certain the measure will pass.
Already, the ABE has filed a lawsuit against the UHA alleging that lawmaking physical appearance violates the provision of their Constitution deeming that Aether's happiness must come first. Currently, the law is being debated in front of a lower court of UHA judges. It remains unclear how the judges will rule.
With Aether now beardless, the ABE lost a promising new member. Members are disheartened, shocked, and lament the glory that could have been. The traveler has been shaved, but for members of the ABE, this certainly is no Hairy-Tale Ending.
