I've changed the overall rating of this series to M, since there was sexual content in the previous chapter and there will probably be more in future chapters.

Sorry for taking so long to finish my other stories. I'm working on "Crib Confessions" today and hoping to have it done soon. The writer's block has been terrible.


Title: The Nightmare

Genre: Angst/hurt/comfort

Rating: T

Season: 21

Episode: 10 (Must Be Held Accountable)


The scream rips from her throat before she can stop it.

Amanda bolts upright on the mattress, flannel sheets twisted in knots around her legs and the checkered quilt passed down from her grandmother draped haphazardly over the side of the bed. Her heart is pounding wildly in her chest and she is hyperventilating, long blonde hair matted to her head with sweat. Her pajamas are in disarray, shirt unbuttoned partway and hanging off one shoulder, pant legs bunched up around her knees.

It looks like she has been fighting a war in her bedroom rather than trying to get some much-needed rest and slumber. She had known that relaxation and sleep would be hard to come by and isn't sure why she has even bothered to try.

Frank Bucci has now replaced Charles Patton as the star of her nightmares and she is filled with dread, wondering how long it will be before both men are invading her dreams at the same time and ganging up on her to prolong her torment. The violent and depraved scenes from her nightmare linger inside her head, disturbingly realistic and promising not to dissipate any time soon.

Amanda hears movement just outside her bedroom door and claps both hands over her mouth in an effort to hold in another scream. She knows it's probably just Olivia, the captain insisting on staying overnight after her detective's ordeal, camped out on the living room couch while Noah shares the room next to hers with Jesse and Billie.

But there is a tiny part of Amanda that wonders if Bucci is somehow lurking in the hallway, angry with herself for cowering in terror instead of jumping up to protect her family and friends from another unwanted invasion. She knows it's impossible for him to be here, though, slumping into the sheets in exhausted despair and overcome with a wave of guilt and disgust at her behavior, vowing not to let on that anything is wrong.

Amanda mumbles a barely audible "come in" when she hears the soft knock on her door and sure enough, it's Olivia who pokes her head into the room a second later, the worried expression on her features visible even in the darkness.

"Are you okay, Amanda? I thought I heard a scream."

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replies through teeth that are chattering so hard, she is sure Olivia will be able to detect the noise. "Maybe you heard one of the kids? I just woke up myself."

"So that wasn't you who screamed?" Olivia looks skeptical as she walks over to the bed with careful steps, Amanda resisting the urge to shrink away from her.

Even in the murky gloom of the room, that seemingly all-knowing gaze of her captain is burrowing into her soul, seeking the truth and making it hard to conceal the pieces of herself that she longs to keep private. She trusts Olivia with her life but is just not ready to delve into the varied and complicated emotions surrounding her abduction, preferring to stay quiet for now.

"Nope." Amanda's voice sounds more confident when she speaks this time, the lie slipping off her tongue with ease, resolute in keeping her agony to herself. "Maybe you were dreaming, Liv. Or you imagined it."

"I haven't fallen asleep yet and it's highly doubtful that I imagined it," Olivia says gently, those perceptive brown eyes boring into hers with an unnerving intensity. "And it certainly didn't sound like one of the kids. It did sound a lot like an adult female, however; one who has recently been through absolute hell and is probably having a tough time trying to sleep."

Amanda rolls her eyes and sighs, wondering why she even bothers trying to get anything by her ever-observant boss and wishing Olivia would mind her own business. "Okay, you caught me, Liv. I was having a brief nightmare but I'm fine now."

"You don't look or sound fine," Olivia points out in that tender voice she reserves for victims, and Amanda is torn between screaming again in utter frustration and begging the older woman not to leave.

She loathes being treated like she is weak and incapable, especially after a significantly traumatic event, when everyone feels the need to walk on eggshells around her and act like she is a child who can't take care of herself. But there is that minuscule part of her; the part that she pushes deep down inside and tries to keep hidden, that longs to throw herself into Olivia's arms and be held.

The terror that Amanda had experienced in Bucci's captivity was like nothing she has ever known before, not even in that wretched Atlanta motel room with Patton. The possibility of never seeing her daughters again, of Jesse and Billie having to grow up without their mother, is a new and special kind of horror that she has never had to deal with before.

Amanda knows that her captain must go through this particular type of misery as well; that the older woman's life has been threatened many times in the past and she must have dealt with the fear of not making it home safely to Noah. But despite this chance to unburden herself and bond with someone who truly gets it and likely understands exactly what she is going through, Amanda can't seem to utter a sound.

She is choked with panic, an invisible hand wrapping around her throat to squeeze the life out of her as images from her time with Bucci play in an unending reel of torture inside her mind. There had been a moment in the motel with him when Amanda's thoughts had strayed temporarily from her daughters, and the room had seemed to morph into something different yet eerily familiar; another time and place with another man who had no problem taking what he wanted from her without consent and with no regard to her own feelings on the matter or the physical pain she was in.

Amanda covers her face with her hands as Bucci and Patton dominate her thoughts, each harrowing experience overlapping the other inside her brain until they meld together into the same sickening event and one is indistinguishable from the next. Forgetting that she isn't alone in the room until she feels a light touch on her shoulder, Amanda practically leaps from the bed in shock and only settles down when Olivia's soothing voice penetrates the whirlwind of anguish in her head.

"Amanda, it's okay. It's just me. You're safe, honey."

Amanda tries to find her voice as she struggles to catch her breath and the part of her that is longing to be held suddenly takes precedence over everything else, including her dignity. In spite of her disdain for being treated like a child, Amanda holds her arms out to Olivia as if she is no older than Billie and is requesting to be picked up and cuddled, desperate for solace and at a complete loss on what else to do in this moment.

Olivia doesn't hesitate before complying with her desire, Amanda shifting over to make room for her on the mattress and sighing with relief when she is enfolded into a pair of strong, comforting arms. The tears come without warning, spilling onto the bare skin of Olivia's neck as Amanda presses her face there and feels the other woman tightening her hold around her.

She sobs brokenly for a moment, trying to muffle the sound in Olivia's thick dark hair, the strands silky soft and smelling of coconut as they tickle her nose. Terrified of waking the kids and putting them through the fear and confusion that will likely result when they come bursting into the room to see her falling apart in her captain's arms, Amanda attempts to get herself under control without much success.

"Just take your time," Olivia murmurs into her ear as she is rocked back and forth on the rumpled sheets, their entwined bodies swaying slowly, and it's as if the brunette is reading her mind when she speaks again. "The kids were fast asleep when I checked on them a few minutes ago. I doubt they'll wake up anytime soon. It's okay to cry, Amanda. You don't need to hold everything inside. Just let it all out and we can talk whenever you're ready."

Her weeping intensifies at the gently spoken words, feeling another wave of relief as she allows herself to release the immense flood of emotions she has been holding onto so firmly since the moment Bucci had burst into Dr. Hanover's office to turn her life upside down yet again. Olivia continues to embrace her patiently while she cries, until Amanda is quivering and spent in her arms and rests limply against the sturdy figure of her boss, every last bit of strength depleted from her body.

The room descends into silence and she has no idea how much time has passed when Olivia finally whispers into her ear again, asking if she is ready to talk now. Amanda nods tiredly into her shoulder as she opens her mouth to confide in the person she trusts the most, acknowledging that while Olivia won't be able to banish her demons, there is hope that she will no longer have to carry this heavy burden alone.