Chapter 17. Searching

When Bucky drove out of the warehouse parking garage he had no idea where he was going at first but something in his brain must have taken over because he found himself in front of an ordinary office building in Queens. Getting out he looked at the directory and found the right name. He took the elevator up to the fifth floor and tried the door, opening it to see a dark haired woman sitting there.

"Yes," she said in a no-nonsense way, "what can I help you with?"

"I was wondering if Mr. Coulson is in," he asked. "I'm Bucky Barnes."

"Mr. Barnes, how nice to finally meet you," she said, offering him her hand. "I'm Maria Hill, Phil's law partner. Our admin assistant is off sick today so I'm kind of doing double duty. Come with me. We have your settlement."

She led him down the hallway to a small conference room and offered him a coffee, which he declined. Then she went to get her partner. Bucky sat there taking in the ambience. In many ways it was quite an old fashioned office. The building, a brownstone that was probably built in the 1920s or 1930s still had its original wood finishings around the doors and windows. The light fixtures, although modern, were retro in look. Everything was made to look like a lawyer's office from the 1950s, functional, sturdy, and competent.

"I had the feeling you might appreciate the ambience here," said Coulson as he walked in with a file folder under his arm and Maria right behind him. "I'm a fan of old buildings. This one was in dire straights when I bought it but I wanted to restore it to its former glory. I think I succeeded. You met my partner, Maria Hill. Coffee?"

"No, thank you," said Bucky. "I just came in to see if the settlement was made. I need to go away for a while and I need funds to do it."

"Oh?" asked Coulson. "I thought ... never mind. You're my client and if you say you have to go away it's not my place to question it. Yes, your settlement is in. I have the cheque here. You just have to sign for it and then deposit it."

Coulson took the cheque out which was paper clipped to two sheets of paper. He had Bucky sign both of them and handed him the cheque, plus one of the papers with his signature on. Then he reached back inside the folder and brought out another piece of paper and a small card.

"Here is your honourable discharge paper," he said. "This is your VA card so you can access your benefits. There's a website listed on the card. You just create an account with your military ID, create a user name and password and you have access to everything, including that college tuition."

"Do I have to use that right away?" asked Bucky. "Or do I have time to do some research, figure out what I want to take?"

"You have all the time in the world," said Coulson. "If you have any problems you call me, or talk to Maria. She's familiar with your case as well. Bucky, is everything alright? You seem off."

"No, I'm fine," said Bucky, standing up. "Really, I'm fine. Thank you for taking my case and helping me. I do appreciate it. Miss Hill, it was a pleasure to meet you. I can see myself out, thanks."

Bucky took the cheque and the papers which were put into a fresh file folder for him. After he left Maria looked at Phil.

"Something's wrong," she said. "We better call Fury."

They placed a conference call to Nick Fury and found out what had happened. When they were finished talking to him the partners looked at each other.

"Sounds like they're going to try and find him," said Phil. "You want in on the action? I know you've been itching to be part of a mission."

"So have you," Maria replied.

"That's true but I think I'll be more useful here, making sure Pierce and company are kept behind bars until their trial," said Phil. "You did a lot of leg work on Bucky's case. You go, say hi to everyone. Bring Bucky back into the fold. He needs to be with people who care about him, not alone, trying to deal on his own."

"Okay, I'll text Fury," said Maria. "Tell him I'm in. Do you want me to let Natalie Madison know about her lawsuit?"

"Yeah, fill her in," said Phil. "Both police departments are settling quickly. They know we would take them to the cleaners if it went to trial."

After picking up his cheque Bucky went to his bank to deposit the cheque. He knew the staff were going to be blown away by the size of it and probably put a hold on it until it cleared but as long as he could access some of it to start with he was fine with that. When the teller saw it her eyes grew wide and she called in her supervisor.

"Mr. Barnes, this is a very large cheque," said the supervisor. "You know that we have to put a hold on it until it clears. May I ask what it is from?"

"A lawsuit over my dishonourable discharge," he said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "It's been overturned and this is the Army's way of saying sorry, they were wrong. I don't mind about the hold but I need to be able to access a couple of thousand until it does. Can that be arranged?"

"Well, why don't you talk with our investment specialist while you're here?" asked the supervisor.

"I just need to deposit it for now," said Bucky. "When I'm ready to do something with it I'll talk to whoever. Are you able to let me access some of it for living expenses?"

"Mr. Barnes, please come with me," said the bank manager who had been alerted to the very large deposit, coming forward to handle this himself.

He ushered Bucky into his office and sat down with the cheque in his hand.

"We will do all we can to make your funds available to you as soon as possible. In the meantime, I am authorizing an immediate 10,000 overdraft on your chequing account, at no charge to you so you may access that amount. Once the check clears that will increase to 100,000. Your credit card will also be upgraded to our top tier card, reflecting the new status of your personal wealth."

"That's not necessary," said Bucky. "I'm happy with my credit card."

"There are many benefits to having a top tier card," said the bank manager. "The primary benefit is increased security of your use of it. All transactions will be triple encrypted so that no one, legitimate or not, can track where you have purchased or what you have purchased. We find individuals such as yourself who find themselves in the possession of such funds are subject to more people trying to relieve you of it. You don't even have to come into a branch. We have a 24 hour concierge that you can call, enter your PIN number and instruct them what you wish to do. If you need cash we can send someone to bring you cash, anywhere in the world. If you wish to transfer funds from one account to another we can do that. Please, Mr. Barnes, let us help you protect your assets from abuse."

Bucky agreed, watching while the bank manager did all the data entry and helped him set up his PIN numbers, even showing him how to download the bank app onto his phone and setting it up. Then Bucky asked for 5000 cash which was brought to him in a special wallet with his new temporary top tier credit card inserted inside. Since Bucky wasn't yet sure where he was going to be staying for some time the manager asked him to call the concierge when he was in one place for more than two days and they would bring his permanent credit card to him. After shaking the bank manager's hand Bucky drove to the airport, parked in long term parking, and bought a ticket to Vancouver International Airport with his credit card. The flight didn't leave until the following morning so he got a room at the TWA Hotel. Using his phone in the hotel room he booked a long term lease on a rental car then he booked a long term rental cabin in the Tofino area, both paid with his new credit card. By the next morning when his flight was called for Vancouver while he sat in the airport waiting area he thought he had everything he needed.

During the flight he thought of the only place he had ever truly felt at peace, while they were in witness protection in Ucluelet. By going back he hoped to recapture some of that feeling. He also had a plan to connect with Dr. Singh, knowing that she had helped Natalie. Natalie ... just thinking of her name triggered an emotion at how he had left her in the warehouse in Brooklyn.

"I'm sorry," he thought. "Until I can deal with this you have to be safe from whatever violence is in me."

It must have shown on his face because the flight attendant asked if he was okay. He assured her he was fine, just not the best flier. He bought the premium air pods from her and connected with their music service, listening to ambient sounds of the ocean. It helped him relax enough that he slept on the flight. They wakened him when the plane was on its final approach and was one of the first out of the airplane, being seated in business class near the front of the aircraft. He picked up his suitcase then lined up at the Immigration checkpoint.

"Purpose of your visit?" asked the CBSA agent, while he went over Bucky's immigration form.

"Leisure," said Bucky. "Just trying to relax for a while."

"Where are you staying?" asked the agent.

"A long term rental in Tofino," said Bucky. "I've booked it for six months."

"Do you have plans to work in that area while you are here?" asked the agent, curious.

"No," said Bucky.

"How will you support yourself while you are there?" the agent's demeanour underwent a noticeable shift.

"I'm wealthy," replied Bucky.

"Can you prove that?" asked the agent.

Bucky pulled out his phone, brought up his banking app, opened it and showed him the balance.

"May I ask where you acquired that wealth, sir?" asked the agent, as Bucky noticed another agent appearing nearby.

"A lawsuit," said Bucky. "I won a lawsuit and that is the proceeds. I'm going to lay low for a while, avoid anyone that wants to take advantage of my windfall and try to figure out what I'm going to do with it all. I've heard Tofino is beautiful and I need some beautiful nature to help me with my decisions."

The other agent moved away and back into an observing position of all the immigration stations.

"Sounds like a prudent plan," said the CBSA agent. "Welcome to Canada, Mr. Barnes. I hope you enjoy your stay."

"Thank you, I'm sure I will," Bucky smiled and his insides began unclenching.

For a moment he thought they would deny him entry and do it in a way that would trigger him but remembering the calm professionalism of the CBSA agent at Tofino airport he made an educated guess they would listen to a reasonable man explain why he was now a millionaire. His next stop was the car rental agency, to pick up his reserved SUV, one that was top of the line, with all of the bells and whistles. It would connect with his phone so he could use it to find his way. He signed the lease, took the extra insurance coverage, just in case, as he wasn't quite sure how car insurance worked in B.C., then took possession. Trying out the CarPlay connection he asked Siri for the closest ferry terminal with a ferry to Nanaimo, having already determined that was the closest ferry port to Tofino. It directed him to Tsawwassen Ferry terminal, 30 minutes drive south of the airport. When he got there he lined up with all the others in the lineup. Signs everywhere suggested he get his ticket online so he did while he waited and was happy to see he was on the next ferry. It was very professional and efficiently run. The sailing took almost three hours and he sat calmly inside drinking a coffee for a time before venturing out onto the open deck. The captain announced a whale sighting and he joined the others at the railing to watch a grey whale breech off to the side of the ferry. About 20 minutes before the forecast arrival time drivers were advised they could return to their vehicles and he waited in his car to disembark. That process was just as efficiently done as the loading process and he was soon on his way through Nanaimo and heading for the highway to Tofino.

He did make a stop on the highway, in a place the road sign called Cathedral Grove. Full of towering Douglas fir trees the sign said most were up to 800 years old. He walked through the one side of the forest and couldn't believe the width of the base of some of the trees. Why hadn't Tierney ever brought them there? He was suddenly filled with the desire for Natalie to be there with him, right at that moment. For the first time leaving her felt like a mistake and he began to cry sitting at the base of one the huge old trees.

"That's how I felt the first time I came here," said a woman's voice and he stood up suddenly.

An older woman put her hand out. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she said. "Magnificent aren't they? Such majesty and there are still idiots in this province that want to cut them down. They deserve to stay this way for as long as they can."

"They are beautiful," he agreed. "I was just thinking of someone I wish was here with me to see these. She would love it."

"Girlfriend?" asked the old woman.

"Fiancée," said Bucky. "At least she was. I left without saying goodbye, and regretting I did that now."

"Why did you leave?" she asked, her face motherly and concerned.

"PTSD," he said, looking away. "It flared up and I was afraid I would hurt her so I ran away. Right now, I'm missing her."

"My son had it," she said. "He was with the PPCLI in Afghanistan. Came back broken. They tried to help him but he was too far gone and he killed himself. We scattered his ashes here. It was one of his favourite places when he was a kid."

She began to cry and Bucky held her wordlessly. Patting him on the arm she pulled away then turned back to him.

"Call her," she said. "Don't isolate yourself. That's when the bad voices become the loudest. Brendan left and drove to our cabin at Sproat Lake. It was winter. We never thought he would go there but that's where we found him a week later when we had looked everywhere else. We sold it but I come here every year to speak with him again. Don't be alone, please."

She hugged him again and touched his face gently then walked further in on the trail to lose herself in the final resting place of her son's ashes. Bucky turned away and returned to the SUV, pulled back out onto the highway and continued driving. It was a spectacular drive, full of high passes, narrow switchbacks and incredible vistas. When he came to the familiar T intersection where left would go to Ucluelet and right to Tofino he almost turned left to go see the house again but he wanted to get settled first. He drove to the address of the rental house and called the rental company. They verified his information, gave him the door code and wished him a good stay. He walked in and was happy to see how modern it was but rustic at the same time. Opening the sliding glass doors revealed a beautiful view of Chesterman Beach and he stepped out onto the deck to feel the atmosphere that filled his senses. After a few minutes absorbing the sound of the thundering waves he went back in, locked the doors and got into the SUV. At the Tofino Co-op, he bought some food, then went to the liquor outlet and bought some beer and good scotch. He only had American dollars on him but they converted it and gave him his change in Canadian currency. His final stop was at Taco Fino where he got an order of beef tacos to go. It only took him a few minutes to put everything away back at the rental before he ate his tacos and drank his beer. When he was finished he sat out on the deck until dark, then walked out onto the beach and looked up into the night sky, at the thousands and thousands of visible stars, while still feeling the sound of the incoming waves surround him.

"Help me," he whispered.

There was no answer but he hadn't expected one. Then his phone chimed and he pulled it out.

Natalie: I miss you.

Bucky: I miss you, too.

Natalie: They're looking for you.

Bucky: Tell them to stop.

Natalie: And me?? Do you want me to stop as well?

He didn't answer for the longest time.

Natalie: Bucky?

Bucky: Don't stop. Come find me.

Natalie: Pick me up tomorrow at the Tofino Co-op, 4:20 pm. I'll be on the bus.

He cried and laughed at the same time. He knew leaving her was a mistake and that he needed her, just like she needed him when she went through it. Then he wondered how they had tracked him as he had used his new encrypted credit card for all the transactions, before realizing he likely left the phone's location services turned on. It didn't matter because she was coming and he wouldn't be alone. Falling asleep was easy that night, knowing that in less than a day she would be in his arms again.

The following day went slowly but he spent it walking on the beach, watching the different people and families walking with their dogs. He studied the tide pools left at low tide and the various sea creatures left behind in them. The fresh air invigorated him and the sound of the ocean could be felt inside his body, massaging him physically and spiritually from inside and out. At 4 o'clock he got into the SUV and drove to a parking spot near the Tofino Co-op. There were others there, waiting for the bus to arrive. When it finally did and the bus driver got off, he opened the doors of the luggage compartment, pulling the pieces out onto the sidewalk. People came down the steps of the bus, hugging their families and friends. Then he saw Natalie and his heart leaped up at the sight of her. She didn't see him at first but when she did there was no one else in her view either. He came forward and picked up her luggage taking it to the SUV, putting it in the back. She stood at the back of the vehicle with him, not saying anything, just waiting.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I shouldn't have left you. I was afraid."

"I know," she said back. "Don't ever leave me again."

They clasped together, kissing and crying, in an emotional reunion that drew notices from others walking by. But they didn't care. In that moment both had exactly what they wanted, each other. Ten minutes later Bucky pulled up to the small cabin overlooking Chesterman Beach. Natalie could hear the surf as soon as she got out of the SUV.

"Come on," said Bucky. "I'll take your stuff in later."

He held his hand out to her and together they walked around the outside of the cabin to the pathway to the beach. The roar of the surf filled their senses as they walked towards the waves. They stepped around small tidal pools filled with star fish and small crabs. Together they walked south along the shore towards a rocky outcropping. As they got closer they could see giant starfish clinging to the rocks as well as barnacles and sea anemones. The bright colours of the sea creatures stood out against the dark, wet volcanic rock.

"I was out here last night looking at the stars and feeling a little lost," he said quietly. "I asked the stars to help but they didn't answer. Then you texted and it was like you knew I was missing you at that moment."

"I had my own moment of despair," she said. "Especially if I was wrong that you came here."

He didn't respond at first but he kissed her hand and touched one of the starfishes, gently feeling its granular surface under his fingertips.

"We didn't see this much the last time because we were here over the winter," said Bucky. "Now that summer is coming there's so much more life."

"Is that why you came here?" asked Natalie. "To see this, to feel it inside of you?"

"For the time we were here it pushed the PTSD and negative emotions away I guess," he said. "I felt good here. How did you find me?"

She offered him her hand and began to walk back to the cabin. "They had a tracker on your car so they knew you parked it at the airport," she replied. "Peter hacked into the airport security cameras and found you waiting to board the flight to Vancouver. I had an idea then of where you going. Your credit card's encryption is very good so that wasn't helpful and your phone's location services only worked in a few areas because of the mountains. I flew to Nanaimo and texted you from there. I decided to take the bus all the way to Tofino. If you were staying in Ucluelet and drove to Tofino for me I was going to take it as a sign you still loved me."

"I'll always love you," he said, then stopped and gently but lovingly kissed her then looked deeply in her eyes as he pulled away. "Leaving you was a mistake and I knew it when I was on the airplane alone, already missing you. I was terrified that I could hurt you, physically. That's why I left."

"You'll let me help you like you helped me?" she asked. "I talked to Dr. Singh's office from Nanaimo. You'll have to pay out of pocket but I figured that wasn't a problem now you're a millionaire. Coulson contacted us after you picked up the cheque. They were worried about you."

"I can't do what they want me to do, Natalie," he said sadly. "I'll lose myself if I do that again."

"They know," she replied. "They'll never ask you to do that again. They'll find another place for you on the team but they still want you, still want your integrity and your honesty. When you're ready."

He nodded and they continued walking back to the cabin. They went back to the vehicle and he took her suitcase out, then entered the door code to open it, allowing her to enter the cabin before him. She smiled at the rustic finishings, feeling at home right away. He took her bag into the bedroom and she sat on the bed, bouncing on it a few times.

"It's comfortable," he said. "I slept well last night. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight."

Natalie patted the bed beside her and tilted her head to him. "Sit with me a moment," she said.

He sat but kept a distance from her. "Bucky, I'm here because I love you," she said, touching his chin with her hand. "We don't have to do anything, except sit here."

"I want to make love to you," he said, his voice stammering, "but what if I lose it and I hurt you? I could never forgive myself if I did."

"Then we start slow," she replied. "Sleeping together, in each other's arms where we both feel safe and secure. Then maybe one night, a week from now we caress each other under our clothes. Then another week and we remove some clothes. We just keep going on slowly getting back what we had. I'm in no hurry to get back. I don't have to work because my settlement came through as well."

"Your settlement?" he asked. "What do you mean?"

"My lawsuit against NYPD and Pittsburgh Police Department," she said. "They settled out of court. I pretty much got what you got, so did my parents. Just waiting for the cheque to arrive. Jasper Sitwell has been fired, so have a bunch of other top level police officials. They've asked Steve to come back in a leadership position at NYPD. He's thinking about it. The point is I'm right where I want to be, with you. If you'll let me stay."

"I want that," he replied. "What are you going to do with the money?"

"I don't know," she said. "I have as much as education as I want. I liked living in the warehouse apartment so when, or even if, we go back I want to live there. If not, then someplace near the ocean as long as it's with you. Travel, maybe. I've always wanted to go to Europe. We can figure it out together."

"Okay," he said simply. "Together."

Tentatively he put his arm around her and pulled them closer together. With his hand on her cheek he kissed her, firmly and for longer this time. It felt good and when he stopped he touched his forehead with hers and smiled. Together, one day at a time they would figure out their life.


PPCLI - Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry - Canadian Army unit