All characters from Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. I own nothing except my version of events.
Chapter 16
"You know you have to go back to your mom's eventually."
I don't even bother to turn in his direction when I respond, unable to hide the more than obvious annoyance in my voice. " I know."
Paul chuckles quietly before closing the email app on his phone and placing it on the floor next to the couch we're both lounging in, me snuggled comfortably in between his legs. He turns his attention fully onto me and begins running soft kisses along my neck.
I release a breath and close my eyes, relaxing back into his chest, willing myself to feel as calm as I'm wanting to be.
"You know I'd keep you here forever," Paul starts, sliding the neck of his t-shirt I'm currently wearing down my shoulder to continue his kisses onto my bare skin "but you have to go back and talk to her."
"I'm not ready yet." I practically pout, sliding the back of my fingers up and down his calves, hoping for him to relax with me and potentially preventing this conversation from going any deeper.
He chuckles softly against my skin, disappointedly undeterred. "You'll never be ready, Bella." He says quietly, slipping one of his hands underneath my shirt to delicately run his fingers over my stomach. "And I don't really want you to leave either. I want you to stay here with me too… but I know that's not what you need."
I turn my head and bite his ear. Paul hisses and retaliates by biting my bottom lip, then he sucks it into his mouth and kisses me. I slide my hand over the side of his head and keep him there, moaning into his mouth.
He surprises me when he chuckles and pulls away, not all responding in the way I thought he would. He bites my lip one last time in a chastising manner. "I know what you're trying to do, beautiful. It's not going to work."
I huff and drop my head back onto his muscular shoulder. "And here I thought it was working."
He chuckles again, moving to leave kisses on the side of my face. I close my eyes again in response.
"I know you want to fix things with your mom, Bella, as you rightfully should. She flew to Forks, the one place she hates the most in the whole world just to spend time with you and reconnect. You can't just abandon her because you're angry."
" I know." And I really did, but I still wasn't sure if I was ready to have that inevitable conversation with her. It's been a long time coming and yet I found myself wholly unprepared for it.
Unfortunately for me, Paul was right. My mother was here for a few months to spend time with me until school started up again in the fall. I couldn't just leave her here in Forks all by herself. She'd go absolutely crazy. In fact, I was pretty sure she was already halfway there. The hundreds of phone calls and messages I have not responded to, or even bothered to read, a sure sign of it. She's been blowing up my phone every day since I abandoned her at the bar but I refused to let her get out of this that easily. She needed to know how badly she fucked up in order for her to learn– something…
And though I wanted her to marinate in her own mistakes for a little while longer, I didn't necessarily have the time for it. And I also had to admit I too loathed the idea of discussing such a serious topic with my mother. To see if by some miracle my mother had come to realize her mistakes and actually put in the effort to fix it.
Of course, I give in to his advice. "Okay, I'll go." But I can't help but to create at least some form of incentive for myself, "Under one condition."
He stops kissing my face and pulls away arching a brow at me in interest. "Which is…?"
I smile and grip the back of his neck, "You come over after work and make me feel better" pulling his face towards mine to kiss me again.
He roughly chuckles, giving in too, smiling against my lips. "You want me to sneak in through your bedroom window like a teenager?"
"I have a door that leads outside, you dork."
"Too bad," He mumbles, releasing his grip on my bare side to trail his fingers delicately up my torso. He lines a path over the swell of my left breast and then ever so lightly traces circles around my nipple. They pucker in response. "I kind of liked the idea."
"Of feeling like a teenager again?" I say with a breathy laugh.
"Yes, it kind of makes me think of what could have been… if my dad had decided to stay here in La Push. I think we would have been doing just that. Me sneaking into your bedroom to touch you like this." He plucks my nipple and I gasp.
I try to stay focused on the discussion but his naughty fingers are making it practically impossible. "You forget I hated you when we were kids."
"I would've changed your mind."
"Oh really?" I tease, "How?"
"Like this." He then grasps the back of my head and smashes his mouth against mine, ending the playfulness between us. Simultaneously he grips my entire breast and squeezes, kneading it just the way I like it.
I moan into his mouth and kiss him harder. His hand, as if on instinct, slowly begins to slide down my stomach again. He lowers his legs along the length of the couch in order for me to sling my own over his, spreading myself open for him.
And just when his fingers are reaching my soft mound, my phone starts a shrilling noise that immediately pulls me out of my growing arousal as I identify my father's ringtone.
Paul begrudgingly pulls away and sighs, "You should answer her."
I release a harsh breath too. "It's my dad." I inform him, before reaching for my phone on the couch to answer, remaining in between Paul's legs, his erection still digging deliciously into my back.
"Hey Dad."
He doesn't respond straightaway, but I can hear the release of his frustrated breath over the phone. He does that quite often when he's upset with me or doesn't really know what to say or how to start.
He finally settles with, "Your mother's worried about you."
My eyes sharpen instantaneously. "You've been talking to her."
"She's called me to tell me you still haven't showed up."
Paul grips my knee in warning and then soothingly runs his finger over my skin.
It barely helps to soothe my quickly growing irritation. I release another frustrated breath, different kind of frustration from earlier though.
"I'm going home today, after I have lunch with the girls."
He harrumphs in approval. "I'll tell her."
"You don't have to." I say quickly, trying to prevent him from having any more unnecessary communication with her.
"I know I don't have to, but as your father I know what it's like to worry about you. I won't let her unnecessarily do it too."
"Fine." I say a bit too harshly.
Paul softly kisses my neck in response.
My father sighs over the phone as if considering whether to speak his mind or not. I can tell he's holding back, trying to not let my clear hostility over the phone derail him from getting his own point across.
"You know, whatever happens between your mom and I… is none of your business."
And though I knew something terrible was coming, I immediately sit up at his words, losing the warmth I'd been receiving from Paul's inviting body. "What exactly does that mean?" I question vaguely, refusing to use more specific– very uncomfortable coming from a daughter– words.
"Nothing of importance. Your mom and I get along for your sake. We used to have a relationship when we were younger but we're two different people now."
I release a breath in relief. Ok, not so bad. Unfortunately my father is not at all done and my body immediately tenses again with his next words.
"But you also need to remember we're not just your parents but also two consenting adults who can make their own decisions."
I bite my tongue, refraining from spewing all my worries to him. I'd much prefer to say them in person rather than over the phone.
"You don't know her." I finally say.
"I think I know her better than you."
I almost want to laugh. He knows nothing about her, nothing about her ways and how she can easily destroy any relationship at the drop of a hat. How the person that she is, is not at all what he could want. That my mother will only use him while she's in town and will eventually get bored and abandon him at the end of the summer to go back to her life with Phil.
But I know my father can be even more stubborn than I can be and so I refuse to say more. My father senses that even over the phone and he sighs exhaustedly one last time before he says goodbye and hangs up.
I stare at my phone wondering how the hell this happened, how my mother could have gotten under his skin in just one night and with one mother-fucking song. They haven't spoken since the night my mother arrived in Forks and now all of a sudden they were acting like they weren't complete strangers to each other.
I almost jump when I feel Paul's fingers running soothingly over my hair, having been lost in my own mind and forgetting his presence all together.
"Bella–"
I climb over his leg before he can say anything, discarding my phone on the couch as I move further away from mind not at all capable of having a coherent conversation to explain to someone else what the hell just happened.
"I have to take a shower before I leave." I say, almost robotically.
I hear Paul's sigh of disappointment as he watches me create not just a physical distance between us but also a chasm between anything remotely close to emotional.
I didn't care at the moment.
My father would be making a huge mistake if he thought my mother had matured since they were younger. The worst part of it was that I had no idea of what to say to change his mind, of how to warn him away from her, of how to protect him from her again. I was only relieved with the knowledge that nothing was going on, at the moment. Charlie also didn't sound like he wanted anything to do with her other than the customary friendship they carried as my parents, but he'd also made it clear I wasn't allowed to get involved either. Insinuating it wasn't my business if anything were to ever happen between them.
And that was a big problem for me.
I was only trying to protect him, to protect his vulnerable heart from her venomous clutches again. I didn't think my dad would be stupid enough to fall for her tricks after she'd abandoned him without even a warning beforehand. That she'd basically ripped his heart out of his chest and hurled it into the forest surrounding our once happy home for the animals who lived in its depths to finish it off. That not only had she shattered his heart, but she'd also destroyed mine in the process.
Halfway through my shower I hear the bathroom door quietly open. My eyes immediately swivel in its direction.
Paul walks in and leans against the door quietly watching me. He's now dressed in his work clothes. His hair freshly styled with his fitted pants and buttoned up collared shirt.
I immediately see the underlining hurt in his expression, a sense of yearning hidden within begging for me to fix the damage I'd unknowingly created. I never meant to hurt him, never meant to make him feel as though his feelings didn't matter to me.
I step under the running water to wash away the suds and beckon him closer.
His expression doesn't change but he moves forward as if powerless to my lure, until he's standing just outside of the shower.
I stand in front of him and reach up cupping his face in my hands to pull his head down for a kiss. Initially, he's slightly resistant but he gives in within a second or two, allowing me to slip my tongue into his mouth.
He grabs my hips and pulls me flush against his body, soaking his clothes in the process but seeming not to care at all.
I pull away and look up at him, wanting to convey my regret in my expression. "I'm sorry." I say, biting my lip as I try to figure out how to explain everything. "Talking to or about my mother always puts me in a foul mood, especially when my father is involved. It's why I've been avoiding you since she got here. My mood can shift without rhyme or reason and I didn't want to drag you along with it."
The harsh lines of his face smooth out and one of his hands lifts up to cup my face, his thumb caressing my lower lip. "I get it now." He says softly, "But I don't want you to protect me from it. I want to be there for you too, Bella… Besides the sex, I'm also your friend. And friends share both the good and the bad. You've already dealt with mine, so why can't I do the same for you?"
I bite my lip and shake my head. "Because I'm a mess." I admit sadly.
"What if I tell you I like it messy?"
"Not my kind of messy."
He smiles ever so slightly, his eyes boring down to mine, the green flecks in his irises swirling with the dark brown. "You're a beautiful kind of mess and absolutely worth it."
I roll my eyes, nothing would be worth this, and like a viper his hand moves to hold my chin keeping my eyes on him.
"Tell me you'll let me in."
I gulp at the command and resist the shiver dying to be released, the fresh water at my back doing nothing to cool my quickly heating flesh.
"You don't want that." I answer softly, fighting the pull inside of me to say yes.
"I'm telling you that I do."
"But you don't really know what that entails. You'll think of me differently…" And though my face can't turn away, my eyes shift to the side to avoid his penetrating gaze when I continue what I've been dreading to admit out loud for so long. "What if you don't like what you see?"
I suddenly felt very vulnerable. I'd never intended for that question to come out but Paul seemed so insistent. Like he wouldn't stop until I agreed… and that terrified me. I didn't want to let him in, to give him the chance to see what a real mess I really was. To see that a part of me has been broken since I was a child and that's why I've always resisted taking everything seriously, especially relationships. Because I've been jaded by the past and continued to be corrupted as I watched my mother boldly parading her conquests in front of my face. That she'd never once cared about how I felt and how her actions had directly impacted me and, therefore, had affected the kind of person I have my dad, La Push, and the pack have been my only safe haven for those two months of the year. That without them I would have never turned out relatively okay.
"You'll still be Bella." He says quietly, his eyes penetrating mine. "The same fierce, strong, and independent Bella you've always been. The same fearless Bella that dared me to jump off a cliff when I was seven."
At that strange comment, I'm confused for a second, but I smile beside myself. "I did that?"
He smiles and nods, his eyes taking a faraway look as if reminiscing on the event. "Our families had gone to the beach together that Saturday. Our parents had warned us not to cliff jump without an adult present. So instead we'd thrown stones into the water. But you got bored of it quickly and said you were going to do it by yourself, that you couldn't possibly wait any longer. We all told you not to, to wait for my dad to come like he'd promised he would. Jacob almost threw himself on top of you to stop you but you danced right out of his reach, laughing the entire time. You stood right at the edge of the cliff and then looked over your shoulder at us, daring us to do it with you."
I couldn't remember the event at all, but it sure as hell sounded like me. "So you took the taunt."
"I couldn't let you go by yourself, and I knew you weren't going to listen to reason. You'd already made up your mind… and we all knew once that happened, there was no way of convincing you otherwise. So I stood by your side, looking down into the water, willing myself to be brave enough to make the jump. And then you grabbed me by the hand and told me not to be afraid… and then we jumped."
I laugh and shake my head. I couldn't believe he would do that for me. That out of everyone, he'd been the only one brave enough to do it with me. "Did we get in trouble?"
"Our parents met us at the bottom just at the edge of the water. Your dad scolded you for a good thirty minutes before my mom grabbed us both by the hands and forced us to sit next to her for the rest of the day."
I laugh loudly and he smiles in response. "No wonder you always teased me. It was your way of getting back at me for always getting you into trouble."
"At least it was fun… and you've always been trouble, Bella."
I nod with a smile as my eyes travel down his body, wordlessly motioning down to his now soaked clothes and noticing how enticingly they cling to his perfectly sculpted chest. "Even now, I'm still getting you wet."
His smile widens as he looks down at himself too, his eyes moving to my naked body next. Hunger grows in his expression but he tempers it down, a mischievous expression tugging at his lips that exposes that rare dimple of his. "Totally worth it… but I should probably go change again."
I pull my arms away from him to let him go but before I can take a full step away he hauls me back against his body. His face turning serious again.
"Take me for my word when I tell you I want you to let me in. That your secrets will be safe with me and I'll accept you as you come. You've seen the darker side of me and it's time for me to see yours too. Don't ever think I will reject the deepest parts of you, no matter how ugly you think they might be. I'm here for you, Bella." He says fervently, his eyes staring deep, all the way to my soul. "Always."
I stare back trying to process what he's said, word for word. I'm terrified of acknowledging them, trepidation slowly slipping into my consciousness. But the bigger part of me embraces the blanket warmth, a sense of not only acceptance but acknowledgement too. That the person that I am and all of the dark shadows surrounding my heart are not the deterrent I've always thought they'd be. That maybe I was wrong in thinking there would be no one out there who would want to see me for me and could care less of what they find there.
I clamp my mouth shut and clench my jaw, trying not to let my emotions leak out of me and somehow find their way into him, alerting him of all of these conflicting emotions whirling inside of me.
Paul still senses them somehow. But I also see him recognizing the vulnerability I'd inadvertently admitted to, my inability to release my emotions yet because I was too afraid of facing them at this very moment.
So instead, he grabs my ass with one hand to keep me flush against him, his other moving to the back of my head. He makes eye contact with me for just one more second before he crashes our mouths together.
His clothes are so soaked I can feel his abs through the material. Unexpected need slams into me, clashing with the rest of my chaotic emotions fighting against each other. To abate at least some of this bedlam of emotions within me, I use the kiss as an avenue to release them all at once.
I want to climb him like a tree, to rip his clothes off and have him entering me and then fucking me against the bathroom wall. I grip him firmly to me, digging my nails into his skin wanting to make him as hungry as I am.
We kiss furiously, savagely, teeth clashing together with the feverishness of our kiss. It feels both eternal and not long enough. I want to stay in this place forever, but I also want more, need more. I want him to take over every part of me, mind and body, so that our movements are the only thing encompassing the entirety of my thoughts.
But then in one swift move he suddenly let's go of me all at once.
I stumble back, my lids blinking rapidly as I try to get a hold of myself. Doused with a cold stream of water that drags me back in to the real world, and not just metaphorically. The water streaming from the showerhead above me, hitting my back and running colder than when I'd initially started my shower.
Paul's chest is heaving, same as mine, his eyes intense. Though I'm sure my expression is showing more confusion than anything else, wondering why the hell he would stop when it was just getting so fucking good. Paul, on the other hand, looks like he's fighting with all his might not to be consumed.
He closes his eyes for one weighted moment and when they open again his eyes look a lot more settled, losing the wildness that had once been there. Then his mouth starts lifting slightly on one side transforming it into a self-assured smile. And then he surprises me yet again when he suddenly turns his back on me, walking away and leaving me wanting, droplets of water landing on the floor in his wake.
It almost feels like a metaphor for something...
"I'll see you tonight!" He hollers without turning around as he disappointedly disappears from my sight.
I blink back to the present and find myself increasingly annoyed. " Ass." I hiss in his wake, my muscles hardening in frustration. He'd left me hanging right before my father had called and he'd done it again now.
I hear his deep chuckle fading the further he gets.
He was so going to pay for that tonight.
I step into Emily's home and am immediately assaulted by Kaden screaming my name. If the ladies weren't aware I was already here, they would know it now.
"Hey kiddo, how's your day going so far?"
"Fine." He says with a smile. "Awntee Bewa okay?" He asks wisely, just as always.
"Yes, I'm okay. Thank you for asking." I tell him, putting him back down to the floor. "Hey ladies!" I greet next, waving at Kim, Emily, and lastly Leah as I join them on the couches in the living room.
They all greet me back, then there's an awkward silence that fills the air.
I roll my eyes. I knew this was coming. "Yes, I know you've all heard of what happened outside the bar between my mother and I. You guys don't have to throw me pitying looks or walk on eggshells around me. I'm fine."
"Are you really?" Emily asks tentatively, "Because I heard you left angry as hell and your mother was left outside in tears with Jacob and Embry to take her home and you've been holed up at Paul's place ever since."
I almost laugh when she finishes with a harried gulp of air after having said that all in one single breath. "Yup. That's all true. But I'm going back after this to talk to my mother."
Leah decides to speak then, for the first time seeming hesitant to. "Is your mom really dating Charlie then?"
I laugh humorlessly. "As far as I know, no. I talked to my dad and he basically said there was nothing going on between them… at least not for now."
"So you think–?"
"They might later on? I can't really say, though I hope not. She doesn't deserve him."
Silence follows my pronouncement.
It's understandable. All of them had really good relationships with their own mothers. Kim was practically best friends with hers, visiting her multiple times throughout the week since she lived in La Push too. Emily talked to hers over the phone daily. And Leah and her mom's personalities were vastly different but they still got along pretty well, they'd even go out to brunch almost every Sunday just the two of them. So not a single one of them knew what it was like to have an extremely fragile relationship with their own mothers.
They also didn't completely understand why I held such a grudge against my own. The only ones who were semi-aware were Jacob and Embry. And after that night, Paul was the only one who knew almost everything about it. I hadn't meant to spew all of that at the time but I hadn't been able to control it. I'd hit my breaking point and unfortunately, he'd been there to be witness to it all.
"But you're less angry now?" Kim asks this time.
"I guess so… though that could change with whatever my mom tells me next."
"You think she's actually interested in Charlie?"
I release a sad sigh. "I don't know. My mom loves the attention, especially from men. So maybe because Phil isn't here she's seeking it from the only other male she knows is guaranteed to still be somewhat interested in her."
"So she's only using Charlie… she sounds awful."Kim finally concludes.
"She's not." I respond reflexively, trying to defend her in the only way I know how. "She's just… complicated. You'd think I'd be used to it by now after all these years growing up with her, but when she involved Charlie that night… I just couldn't control myself. Anyway, I'll talk to her tonight and probably move back in. Paul is probably sick of having me around cramping his style anyway. I know he only feels sorry for me so he won't dare to kick me out, even if he wanted to."
They chuckle half-heartedly but don't make a single comment… even Leah. And she's the one who's teased me the most about how close Paul and I were. So I can't help but to instantly grow suspicious.
Something sure as hell wasn't right here, something else was going on between these three. But I couldn't exactly call them out on it either. If I did, it would leave the door open to talking about Paul and I, and I would do just about anything to prevent that. I really didn't want to hear their jokes or dirty innuendos on the matter, nor to hear their actual thoughts and feelings about us either.
The best course of action here was to ignore it and be thankful they weren't bringing it up. I didn't have the energy to deal with their shit on top of my mother's. And so that's what I do.
It takes a good ten minutes for the atmosphere to loosen up after that heavy conversation, but eventually it does. And just as always, I enjoy my time spent with my favorite girls. If only Jess were here too then I'd have them all in one place. Unfortunately we couldn't do that while not inadvertently spewing their tribe's secrets. It was an impossible task. I hated having to separate Jess from my family in La Push but unfortunately it was something I had to do.
By the time I get home, later in the day, it's already dark outside.
If it would've been up to me I would have remained at Emily's forever. But my dear, equally stubborn friends, had other plans. Leah claimed she had wolf patrol. Kim alleged she had to go to work at the bar and Emily said she had to take Kaden to get a haircut. Though I'd suspected it'd been their plan all along, I still didn't fight it. There had been nothing I could have done or said to convince them not to interfere. So I accepted it and begrudgingly drove home, though I did take my sweet time ass.
I open the front door and immediately spot the TV in the living room on. My mom's head, the only visible body part I can see behind the couch, immediately swivels in my direction. She jolts up and out of her seat at the sight of me.
I close the door behind me and we stand there staring at each other.
My mother looked supremely hesitant, rightfully so. I was still angry with her, still holding her responsible for her actions that lead to her and my father dancing as if they were in love once again. Utterly ridiculous.
She doesn't utter a single word so I walk forward and take a seat on the couch adjacent to hers. She mimics my position and turns off the TV, nervously twisting her fingers into the blanket on her lap, her back stiff and lips puckered as she bites the inside of her cheek, nervous energy radiating right off of her.
Finally, after some time, my mom releases a deep centering breath and slowly begins her infamous apologies. "I know it looked bad."
I stay silent. If she wanted me to help her out, she clearly had forgotten who her daughter was, in the past three years of almost no contact.
"It just kind of happened. I told Charlie Paul had renovated the jukebox and then one thing led to another and we were playing our song. The same one we danced to the first time we met, we reminisced… but I shouldn't have let it get there. I'm really sorry."
"Starting to get tired of your apologies." I reply honestly.
She looks down at her hands. "I know. God, I know." She says, her eyes cast down and blinking rapidly before she looks back up at me. "I know I've been a terrible mother. That I've never done enough for you. I know I'm the one to blame for all of this and that's the reason why I'm here. I've… reflected on a lot of things."
"And?" I coldly prompt her.
"And I know I've fucked up a lot. That in my endeavor to find the love of my life I'd dragged you down along with me and that hadn't been right. I should have kept them away from you. I should have never brought them home with me. I should have been a better example for you. I should have showed you that I could be a good mom, first and foremost. I should have put you first… but I never did. I'd been in denial at the time. Thinking I could make up for the passing men in our lives by buying you things and taking you on trips. It had been my way of making up for my neglect. The worst part of it is that I'd known it was wrong but I'd done it anyway."
I stay quiet for a long moment. Thinking over the many things she could have done right if only she'd stopped to think about me. I never needed those expensive bags or newly released phones or laptops she religiously bought me. I never needed or wanted a credit card in my name to buy myself whatever I wanted. I never cared for any of it. All I've ever cared about, or wanted, was her. To have her sole attention just for once. To be the one person she wanted to spend time with, and not because she needed my comfort but because she legitimately wanted to spend time with me. That my love and attention would be worth more than that of strangers and passing by men. For me to one day be enough for her.
"Things would have been different if you had."
"You're right." She admits openly. "And if I would've at least asked you what you needed, maybe I would've realized my mistakes sooner and made an effort to change."
"But it's too late now."
"It's too late now." She echoes sorrowfully, but when she looks at me again there's a renewed confidence in her expression, willing there to be something she can do to fix what she'd broken in me. "I know it's too late to change the past now, but I'm hoping you'll let me try to make changes for the future."
I watch her doubtfully. I so wanted to believe in her, to believe she was finally here to do the right thing… but I didn't know if I could. If I could allow myself the hope that things could change between us. It would be such a huge gamble to.
"Can you?" I tentatively ask.
"I'll try."
It's an answer… I guess. "Is that all?"
She bites her lip and looks away to find something else to say. "I'm… happy with Phil." She finally says.
Uh, ok… how did he get dragged into this?
"But we've been fighting."
And there's it is...
I've been waiting for that, proverbial, bomb to drop and it finally had. The sad part of it was I wasn't even surprised. It was very much expected. The only difference was that I hadn't expected for her to reveal it so easily. At least, that part had been a surprise.
But the surprise paled in comparison to receiving the confirmation of what I've always suspected. My mother only ever sought me out to use me, to seek me out so that I could make her problems go away, to use me as a distraction just as always. That now I would be forced to hear the same bullshit over and over again, to have to sit here and listen as she listed all of the ways Phil had failed her while not providing me with her own list of mistakes. Because I knew there were plenty, but she never once held herself accountable for any of them, never learning from them. Which would only lead her to continue this endless cycle of her own self-destruction.
So typical.
"So that's why your here then." I say bitterly. "Not just to fix us but for me to fix you."
Why did I ever think things would be different? Just as always she proves me right, yet again.
"No!" She exclaims almost indignantly. She stops, realizing her mistake and righting herself before she starts again. She knew she'd have to be the one to remain calm for this fight. "I'm here for you. Fighting with Phil might have been the catalyst but to be completely candid with you Bella, I could have easily gone on a girl's trip with my friends and stayed in denial like I usually do. But instead, I came here to you because I missed you."
And though it sounded harsh and an awful thing to say to your child, at the very least, it was the truth. Though the truth hurt, it was more important to have it, especially from my mother. Because in a sick, twisted way, she was right. My mother could have easily gone on vacation with her friends and pretended like everything in her life was as perfect as she'd always made it out to be for outsiders. But instead she'd come here where she knew she'd get a fight from me and it would take actual effort to make things right.
I had to give her that.
"At least there's finally some honesty."
She looks away as if ashamed. "I'm trying to be honest."
"It's the thought that counts, I guess."
She flinches as if I'd struck her. I'm pretty sure it would've hurt less if I actually did. Physical injuries healed in days, weeks, maybe months but they'd eventually disappear as if they'd never existed. Words were permanent, causing injuries that ran deeper, into places no one could see but that the person could feel. Words that could unexpectedly resurface hurting you again and again.
I want to feel bad for the comment but I can't find it anywhere in me to. It makes me feel like a shitty daughter, like I'm not trying hard enough to make this situation any easier. But I push that particular feeling aside, refusing to let it take root.
I couldn't let myself continue to dwell on what I could do to fix this when it wasn't solely up to me to make it happen. The healing needed to come from both parties, and my mother needed to put in the effort too. The responsibility wasn't solely on me.
My mother had created these feelings inside of me. They weren't right and I sure as hell didn't like feeling that way toward her either, but also… she only had herself to blame. Why should I continue to put myself into the headspace of accepting an imagined blame that didn't belong to me?
"Being a parent is hard." She finally mumbles.
That was also another truth, parenthood wasn't easy. I didn't have children of my own and therefore could not speak of it from firsthand experience, but I sure as hell could see it in the parents around me. How hard it was to walk that tightrope of being a good, loving parent to suddenly fall off on either side and end up an absolute failure. It was a very fine line, one almost impossible to stay on. One of the many reasons why I couldn't do it myself. I hadn't had a good mentor and I sure as hell had no idea of how to be a good one myself, nor have the want to try to be one at all. Children just weren't in the cards for some people.
"Is that it? No more secrets to reveal?" I ask, giving her one last chance to tell me the whole truth. To see if she was willing to be open and bare it all to me one last time so there would be no secrets left between us.
Because though she might not know it, this was the point of no return.
This was the last time I would ever allow myself to hope. The last opportunity I was willing to give her. I couldn't keep doing this with her. My heart just couldn't take it again.
"It's the truth Bella, I swear."
I stare her down, trying to discern a real sincerity in her. I was putting it all on the line and I needed to know with one-hundred percent certainty that this was the real deal. But unfortunately in life, nothing came with a hundred percent guarantee, and this was no different. Either I chose to trust her or I didn't. It's all I could really do, what else was there left for me to do? I couldn't interrogate her for the truth. All I could hope for was that she was being honest with me and that she was being sincere in her desire to fix our relationship. It was now or never.
"So now what?"
She leans forward to grasp my hands in hers. "Now we keep trying. At least I hope you'll let me try. I won't get it right, I probably never will, but that will never stop me from continuing to try."
"Ok." I finally agree.
Could I sit here and tell her of all of my grievances against her? Sure. Would it help? Maybe. But I was too exhausted to talk about it any further, and I also couldn't just give her my list of grievances and expect her to work on them all at once. It wasn't a list of chores I could give her for her to complete in one day. I was going to have to bring them up slowly, one problem at a time. To try to fix one thing before we moved on to the next. Rome wasn't built in a day. And my mother and I had a lifetime to repair what was broken.
"Want to watch a hallmark movie?" I ask her after some time, deciding to start working on our relationship as soon as possible.
She finally giggles, softly but enough to relieve the tension still somewhat in the air. "I thought you'd never ask. Wine?" She asks.
"Coke for me." I say with a hopeful smile.
She nods and gets up heading to the kitchen while I grab the remote and turn it on again. Our relationship was definitely not fixed, not even close, but hopefully someday it would be and that's the only hope I could hold on to.
At least for now.
