A/N - sorry for the months of no update! But I'm here now, and I'm happy enough with this chapter. I'll try to update regularly and not months apart, but no promises. Also, if anyone wants to beta-read and/or edit for this story, let me know! Since the quotev shut down, I don't have an editor anymore (maybe I do, I messaged them on discord almost two weeks ago and haven't heard back, so I assume they're not able to edit anymore), so I'm open to having someone else do it! I'll leave my discord at the end of this chapter for anyone interested in beta-reading or editing.
Anyways, I'll let you guys get to reading the new chapter! Enjoy:)
I spent my whole life trying not to get close to my family. Not saying a single word. Barely even acknowledging their existence. And now that I decided to stop doing that…I wasn't sure what to do.
I spent countless lifetimes acting like a regular person. I never had any problems with it. But now, after only five years of acting differently, I wasn't sure how to switch back.
What was I even supposed to say? I couldn't just start saying full sentences out of nowhere, that would be too suspicious. Even though I decided to trust them, I couldn't let them know I lived and remembered precious lives. They couldn't know I faked the past five years. I had to go slow, say just one or two words at a time, then work up to full sentences. Pretend I was just improving. I had no idea what to say first, though.
I was sitting outside on our front porch steps, uncle Jasper sat a few feet behind me, his back leaning against the wall. The rest of the family was either inside, or left to go someplace else.
I looked around the yard, hoping to find some kind of opportunity to say something. I didn't really care what my "first" word would be, it didn't need to be sentimental or anything. I just needed to get this over with.
I thought maybe my first word could be snow, seeing as it was no longer coating the ground enough for a snowball fight. It had melted enough that it now just splotched around the grass, looking pretty gross and unappealing now. If my first word was snow, I could pretend that I was sad about the snow leaving. It wasn't the best option, but I didn't need the best. I just needed something.
I looked back to uncle Jasper. His eyes were closed, as if he was sleeping, but of course that was impossible. He was just relaxing, not paying much attention to me. That would make it easier, probably. I didn't want all eyes on me.
I turned my gaze back to the disappearing snow. Now was as good a time as any to start talking, wasn't it? There would never be a good time to say my first word. I just had to go ahead and do it.
I took a deep breath, and opened my mouth to speak, but something stopped me. My chest tightened. My heart raced. The word I had every intention of speaking stuck in my throat, fear gripping it like its life depended on it. Like my life depended on it.
I spent so long telling myself it was safest to stay silent, to never utter a single word, now that I actually wanted to…I couldn't.
I looked back to uncle Jasper and saw he was no longer leaning back, relaxed with his eyes shut. He now sat straight up, worry clouding his face. I turned back forward, trying to pretend like I wasn't so suddenly anxious.
I knew uncle Jasper had some kind of power surrounding emotions, but they didn't work on me. Nor did any vampire powers, which I didn't know the reason for, but was glad about.
Since uncle Jasper couldn't use his power on me, he must have known something was wrong based on my heart rate, or something else he could tell with his superhuman senses. I ignored him, though, and took deep breaths to calm myself down. I wouldn't talk right now. I would have to try again some other time, and hope I wouldn't let fear stop me.
Talking turned out to be a lot harder to start doing than I anticipated. Theoretically, I could just…start talking. Full sentences if I wanted to. But every time I tried to say something, panic set in and I couldn't do it. I've lived basically forever, and here I was, struggling to say just one little word. It was pathetic. Why was this so hard?
"Would you like to bake something with me, Sybil?" Grandma asked, standing in the entrance to the kitchen, her face gentle and kind.
I had been watching some show with mom and dad on the couch, but baking was much more fun than that, so I got up and went to join her. Nodding to her would have been a good move, seeing as how I was trying to build communication. Even better, I could have said "yes" or "okay" or something like that. But everything I'd done leading up to this point was so set in stone in my mind, it was hard to make myself do anything different.
"I was thinking either muffins or cookies," she said, walking with me into the kitchen. This was an opportunity for me to talk again. I could tell her which of the two options I wanted, and the hard part would be over-with.
I knew I didn't want muffins, and I would never say no to some cookies, but with fear gripping my heart…was it really worth it? I could just eat the muffins even if I didn't want them. It wasn't a big deal.
Except, I had to start talking. It was just annoying at this point, not being able to talk when I actually wanted to. I just had to say one word. Just one word and the moment I'd been both waiting for and dreading would be over.
But really, it didn't matter. I would eat the muffins if I had to. I didn't really care, not that much. I didn't have to start talking now. I could keep going on as a mute for the rest of this life, and hope my next one would be normal.
Except, I really should just start talking. I definitely could just keep living like I was so convinced my family was out to kill me, but I didn't want to. Not anymore. I wanted to live as normal a life as I could. I had to ignore the panic and talk. Just one word. That was all I had to do. Just one word. Just one.
Grandma pulled out the ingredients for muffins from the cabinets. Now was my chance. It was now or never. Not really, but whatever. My heart raced, and I felt like my throat was closing up, but I had to start talking. I had to ignore this anxiety, stop thinking so much and just-
"Cookies."
Grandma froze.
My heart was pounding, waiting for this moment to be over. I did the hard part. I said the word. Now I had to deal with the aftermath.
How was everyone reacting to this? Grandma froze, but what was everyone else doing? Any second they could rush in, crowding me with their excitement. Would they start pestering me to talk more now? Was this a mistake? I hoped not.
It was just one word. Not a big deal. Everyone's big reactions would calm down, if they even made a big deal out of it at all. This wasn't a mistake. Everyone talked, it was about time I started too.
"You want cookies?" she asked, and I stayed still, my eyes focused on the ground.
"That's what we'll make then," she smiled, and I took a deep breath. She wasn't making it a thing. I could calm down. She could probably hear my heart beating faster than it should, could tell I was nervous about what I'd done, though she couldn't really know the reason why. I was glad she knew the kind of response that would most put me at ease.
No one else came rushing into the room either, so they must have decided not to overwhelm me about it too. I was glad for that. This went better than I thought it would. My heart could calm down, and hopefully from now on, talking would be easier.
I didn't say anything else the rest of the day, but that was okay. I took the first step, said my first word. It shouldn't have been as hard as it was, but at least it was over-with now. I felt like I could finally breathe clearly, the fear holding me back wasn't so present.
I knew this was a turning point in this life. I was going from being scared my family would kill me and distancing myself in whatever ways I could, to taking the first step to letting them in, letting them close. I wasn't completely sure how this was going to look for me in the long run, but for now, this was the best option. I hoped.
A/N - Here's my discord for anyone interested in beta-reading or editing for this story:
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! Feel free to pester me about updating sooner
