Chapter 20: Purgatory 2
Nearly a week had passed since 'the ambush'. Kuroo, who was running on fewer and fewer hours of sleep, was beginning to struggle to maintain his student routine. He still tried his best to stay out of the water. He managed to stay more or less awake during classes, but listening was another story...
He had been vaguely scribbling words here and there, sure... This Friday morning would be no exception. He had managed to note the first two minutes of the class properly, then, all his neurons had decided to leave him stranded, probably to go on an adventure of their own. Well, maybe not all of his neurons had left; there was still one or two whose sole goal was to torture him.
He had told Kenma that he needed to think, but he hadn't specified the timeframe for this reflection. He felt his body growing numb, and a lump formed in his throat. Time was starting to weigh on him.
"Take your time... Whatever you choose, I hope it won't change anything between us..." That's what Kenma had told him. It was nice and all, but the more time passed, the more he realized he had to face the facts: it would change things between them, one way or another.
Of course, it would change things! "Sorry, Kenma, I'd rather we stay friends, but how about we go out for dinner sometime? With your two mates, for whom I clearly have feelings. One I've been flirting with for months, the other I kissed in the middle of a gymnasium, but no big deal." He sighed. What a damn mess! What was he going to do?
He wrote the same sentence on his notes, perhaps trying to exorcise it, to manifest it outside of himself so he could detach from it? He stared at the sentence for a long time, everything around him disappeared in the chaos of his internal turmoil. He didn't even notice that Chris had glanced at his sheet. He didn't comment and turned his attention back to their professor.
Kuroo managed to refocus on the class, but unfortunately for him, his attention only lasted barely two minutes. After this, he sighed, crossed his arms on the table, and buried his face in them. He eventually lifted his head when Chris placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he whispered.
"Yeah, don't worry, I'm just exhausted."
Chris nodded.
"Did you go to bed late?"
"Yeah..."
Chris looked concerned, so Kuroo had to make up a lie to reassure him:
"I just started a series and couldn't stop until three in the morning."
Plausible, right? Especially since it had already happened to him in the past. Everyone experiences that kind of thing, right? The perfect excuse!
"Oh, what was it?"
Busted.
What was he going to answer: "Kuroo stares at the ceiling until death ensues"? Not sure if that would be the best answer to give him.
"Um... It was the story of..." his gaze fell on Oikawa's small alien-themed pencil case, "an astronaut who travels into space and discovers a planet inhabited by…" he discreetly scanned his surroundings, the young woman in front of him had a llama plush keychain,"a planet inhabited by intelligent llamas and he... um" quick, think fast! "he teaches them to play basketball."
Basketball?
Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Very absurd, but not bad I guess."
"I see. What was it called?"
"Uh... Space...Llama-ball."
"I'll check it out then, you..."
"Shh!" Oikawa finally cut them off.
They fell silent and returned to the lesson, Kuroo mentally thanking his diva for intervening to end his ordeal. God knows what absurdity he might have blurted out if he had continued.
The rest of the day went smoothly; Kuroo managed to squeeze in a micro-nap during lunch break, a precious moment that allowed him to maintain his focus for most of the afternoon. Finally, the end of the day arrived. Kuroo said goodbye to his friends and they all went their separate ways. But as Kuroo was walking away to catch the metro, Chris caught up with him.
"Do you want to hang out at my place?" the blond asked out of the blue.
Kuroo frowned. Couldn't he have asked him before they parted ways?
"Um... to do what?"
"I don't know... Hang out, have a beer, and we can play video games..."
OK... Why did Kuroo feel like there was something fishy going on?
"Um... I don't know, I'm tired and..."
"You can take a nap on the train if you want," Chris cut him off.
Kuroo looked up. Chris was inscrutable, as usual, but he felt like he didn't have a say in the matter. Chris would push until he gave in anyway; his friend's gaze had something imperative and urgent about it, Kuroo couldn't escape him. He eventually agreed. He fell asleep the moment the train started moving and only regained consciousness once they arrived at their destination. It took him several minutes to fully wake up, but he managed to come to his senses: his impromptu nap had worked wonders. They chatted lightly until they reached Chris's place. As soon as they arrived, his friend invited him to sit at the garden table. Once Kuroo was seated, Chris went back inside, interrupting their conversation before Kuroo could finish his sentence. He returned a few moments later with two beers, and just as Kuroo was about to resume their conversation, Chris cut him off:
"So?"
Kuroo furrowed his brow.
"What?"
"Can we talk about it now?"
"Talk about what?"
Chris insisted, and Kuroo quickly understood what he was getting at.
"Oh... Oh... Is it an intervention?"
"Not really... I do have beers and video games."
Kuroo raised an eyebrow.
"Do you mind? You seemed preoccupied. I thought you might like to talk about it." Chris said.
The brunet sank into his chair. He didn't necessarily want to talk about it, especially since he hadn't planned to... But he couldn't remain stuck like this indefinitely! Plus, Chris was probably the best person to talk about... that. He crossed his arms.
"I don't know, it's embarrassing..."
Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Last week you spent 45 minutes talking about your locker room stories in high school, aren't we past that now?"
Kuroo blushed and let out a laugh to ease the blow.
"OK, OK, you got me..."
Chris smiled and adjusted his position.
"So, have you thought about it yet?"
Damn, were they really at this point?
"I'm way too sober to talk about it right now!"
Chris smirked.
"Take two more sips, that'll do it."
Kuroo chuckled.
"Hey! It's not nice to make fun of my metabolism!"
"I'm not making fun of anything, it's just facts."
"Yeah, right..."
He took another sip.
"So I'm asking again, have you thought about it yet?"
Kuroo sighed. He couldn't escape now. He glanced at the patio door: maybe he could try to make a run for it? He reluctantly gave up on that idea and finally answered:
"No... well, yes, but..."
"But?"
"I still don't know..."
Chris nodded.
"What's bothering you?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
The blond shook his head.
Obviously, they hadn't grown up in the same context: in addition to growing up in Europe, Chris had been raised by five parents, so of course he didn't see what the problem was! Actually, Kuroo himself couldn't really articulate what the problem was... Well, he could, but...
"Why are you resisting so much?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"No... I don't think so. Well, apart from the fact that it goes against the social norms you're familiar with."
Kuroo sighed. God, he was almost regretting the time Chris couldn't speak proper Japanese.
"But since when do you care about this kind of thing?" Chris finally remarked.
"What? I follow social norms very well, thank you."
"I'm not saying you're impolite, but you know what I mean, right?"
"No."
Chris raised an eyebrow.
Kuroo knew perfectly well what he was getting at. During his teenage years, he had understood that what society wanted to instill in him was sometimes absurd; he had eventually given society the finger and gradually erected his own code of conduct.
"Let's say I do," the brunet conceded, deciding it was time to stop avoiding the conversation.
"I understand that it takes time to deconstruct this kind of thing, that it doesn't happen overnight, but what is really bothering you?"
Kuroo just shrugged.
"Are you really attached to the idea of monogamy?"
Kuroo nearly choked on his beer. What a strange question! He could never have imagined that he would be asked that seriously one day... Hell, not long ago, he didn't even think there were other possibilities! So no, he hadn't really had time to think about it... Well, yes, since he had discussed his love life at Chris's last party, and the idea had been brought up, he had to admit that it had sometimes crossed his mind, but nothing concrete...
"Apparently..."
"Huh..."
They fell silent. Kuroo thought for a long time. If he was honest with himself, no, conceptually speaking, he wasn't that attached to... to "monogamy," the idea didn't really bother him deep down, he vaguely understood the principle. But to integrate it both mentally and... factually into his life, there was still a long way to go.
And then... it was an outcome he had never considered... There were plenty of love triangle stories out there. As far as he knew, Bridget Jones had never considered the possibility of having her happy ending with both Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver (yes, he had two sisters who loved that movie, he must have seen it fifty times already and it was probably what had helped him improve his English, so it was normal for him to use it as a reference, right?). Well, bad example, Daniel clearly didn't deserve her... And Daniel and Mark weren't already a couple... But never mind, he hadn't seen that ending anywhere else before. So, it wasn't so surprising that he had such a hard time processing it, right?
Maybe that was his problem? He had wanted to play out some ridiculous American rom-com scenario, and it came back to bite his ass.
"I don't know, maybe I was just trying to... to play the field, and it got back at me."
Chris didn't seem convinced.
"I had a friend in college who did that... He had like, five dates a week, with a different girl each time. Well, he never got attached to any of them... He ended up dating his best friend... I think they're still together..."
"Huh, yeah, you were definitely just trying to 'play the field', right."
Was that sarcasm?
"I don't know, maybe?"
Chris looked at him with a weary expression.
"No, okay, I was just trying not to think about it, I had zero plan in mind, zero strategy... Or rather, that was my strategy, the problem is that it blew up in my face and I got screwed."
"Not really," corrected Chris.
Kuroo blushed.
"I mean, not literally! You know what I mean!"
"Literally or not, I don't think you got 'screwed'."
He sighed.
"Kuroo... Can I ask you a question?"
"Huh?"
"If you had met all three of them at different times in your life, would you have tried something? Something serious, I mean."
"Probably, yeah..."
"So?"
"But... not like this! I can't have everything, it's..." he sighed and let his head fall onto the table.
"Why not? You don't need to do much, just see where it can take you, right?"
"Let me guess, you also think it's a 'miracle'?"
Chris shrugged.
"It's uncanny."
"Hmm..."
The silence stretched. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon a while ago, the air was starting to cool down. Seeing that he wouldn't get anything more out of him, Chris suggested:
"Do you want to go back inside? We can play some Mario Kart if you want?"
"Okay."
The conversation naturally drifted away, much to Kuroo's delight, who willingly got caught up in an unproductive debate to decide which of Princess Peach or Rosalina was more charismatic. They didn't really agree on the matter and started the race. Kuroo's attention was gradually drifting away from the game, so much so that he ended up hitting a wall and didn't even try to get back on track. He held the controller tightly in his hands, staring at the screen blankly.
"Um... Kuroo?" Chris finally worried.
"I don't know... It's just that... I don't know, we always say 'You'll find the right one' not 'the right ones' I don't know, it seems... I don't know, unfair or unbalanced?" Kuroo blurted out without having time to phrase it properly.
Chris paused the game and turned his gaze to his friend:
"Kuroo... You have two sisters, right? Do you love them equally?"
"Yes, but..."
"And you have multiple friends, each with a different connection, who bring something different to your life, right?"
"But it's different, I…"
"How is it different?"
Kuroo didn't know what to say.
Chris took a deep breath and set down the controller before turning to Kuroo.
"I think that romantic love is like any other type of love. It doesn't divide, it multiplies."
Kuroo fell silent for a moment.
"I guess you're right..."
Kuroo finally dropped his defenses.
He knew where this resistance was coming from after all... He was just afraid. He was terrified of having to plunge into the unknown. Committing to a relationship had always been scary for him, even if he was deeply attached, even if he loved with every damn fiber of his being! So here... Here his fears exceeded all bounds. Here he felt like he had to throw himself into an abyss, not knowing what was at the bottom, and his survival instinct screamed at him to turn back, not to get any closer to the edge.
But damn it, he knew... He knew he wanted to close his eyes and jump. He just couldn't bring himself to do it.
He picked up his beer from the coffee table and drank half of it. The alcohol was starting to make him dizzy.
"I think I'm just scared..." he admitted.
"Ah... What are you afraid of?"
"I don't know... of committing to something I don't know? I just don't know how it works..."
"Well... you'll learn."
"Maybe I won't be able to handle it, I don't know, jealousy, just, I don't know..."
"You'll see."
Very constructive intervention, thank you!
"And then, if it doesn't work out if I don't get along with them after all? It would piss me off to lose them for... For stupid reasons, just because I don't know what to do..."
Chris sank into the couch, looking up at the ceiling:
"You can't know if you don't try."
"Yeah, hence the fear I'm dealing with."
"It would be sad not to start a story because of fear of how it might end, right?"
"Huh..."
A valid point indeed, but that didn't make things any easier.
Silence fell again. Chris hesitated to restart the game, seeing that the brunet had picked up his controller again. But Kuroo quickly abandoned it and continued:
"OK, but..."
"But?"
"I don't know... they've been together for a long time apparently, I don't know exactly how long but... What if I can't fit in? I mean, starting a relationship, uh... more classic, it's new for both parties! Here I'm intruding into an existing relationship, one that existed well before me..."
"Hmm... First... You don't necessarily have to think of it as 'a relationship'."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's three different people, each with a particular connection to the others, it's 'relationships'."
"Uh..."
"From what you've already told us, you don't have the same relationship with each of them, right? The bonds you create, what you build, will be new to them too. These bonds, these relationships, didn't exist before you, they exist with you. Sure, you have to coexist with the existing dynamics, but if they offered to include you, it's because they also want to create these bonds, and in your case, they're ready to integrate you into their dynamic."
Kuroo didn't know what to say. His body was starting to be shaken by all sorts of conflicting emotions, his head was foggy, and his heart was a mess. He let his head fall back onto the couch.
"At the risk of repeating myself, it would be stupid to do nothing just because you're scared, right?"
"Huh..."
Kuroo chuckled, and Chris turned his face in his direction.
"You don't talk much, but when you do, it's not for nothing, damn it."
Chris let out a laugh.
Silence fell again.
"And..." the blond continued.
"Hmm?"
"If we're talking about it, it's because you've already thought about it, right? Otherwise, you would have already turned them down, you don't think so?"
"Probably..."
"You don't have to commit to anything just yet. You can just talk to them about it and see how it goes."
"Well, I guess... I just need to figure out how to bring up the subject..."
Chris smiled.
"But I'm not too worried about you, I think you've got what it takes."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... you're honest with yourself..."
Eh.
"You're honest about your feelings and..."
Still, these past few months were evidence to the contrary.
"And you're always open to dialogue."
Kuroo raised an eyebrow.
"That's not easy to find, you know."
Kuroo had to give himself that. He had been raised as a boy in Japan; it had taken him years of deconstruction and years of navigating a rather underground scene to get to where he was now... He didn't know what he was so afraid of deep down. If he thought about it, he had to build his identity on uncharted territory that no one had prepared him to face. He hadn't given up and was proud of who he had become.
"You're right... I'm actually a rebel..."
Chris chuckled.
"You remind me a bit of my mom, you should've seen the look on her parents' faces when she left Japan with my other parents. I wasn't there to see it, but I heard about it."
"Chris, are you my friend because I remind you of your mother?"
The blond raised an eyebrow, an amused smirk on his lips:
"Maybe a little."
"Oh! I can't believe it!"
"Shall we continue the game?"
"Don't change the subject!"
Too late, Chris had already pressed start again.
"My mom can't play Mario Kart."
"As if that answered the question."
He gave up the debate and dove back into the race.
He discreetly glanced in Chris's direction. He was glad to have him in his life, even if it was only because he reminded him of his mother. Ultimately, that intervention had paid off. He still wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was starting to see things a little more clearly.
-/-
Three days had passed since Chris' intervention. He had been able to get some sleep, which had been miraculous in restoring proper cognitive function to his brain. He wasn't as scared anymore, but he still didn't know how to approach them... How should he initiate the dialogue? The simplest solution would be to send a text; he always had an ongoing conversation with Kenma on insta, so he could contact him that way... However, he didn't know what to say or how to go about it... So, he let time stretch, waiting for a sign.
Great, talking about signs had gotten the entirety of the Anastasia movie soundtrack stuck in his head! Nothing else could emerge in his brain now except the lyrics to "Journey to the Past". He must have started singing aloud as Oikawa soon began singing absentmindedly along with him, still buried in his textbooks. They had settled outside at a table to study a bit before their last class of the day. Kuroo, despite having his biochemistry notes laid out in front of him, hadn't read a single word for nearly ten minutes. He continued to sing softly, Oikawa's voice resonating with his:
"One step at a time,
One hope then another,
Who knows where this road may go,
Back to who I was,
On to find my future,
Things my heart still needs to know"
He looked up, completely abandoning his reading. He watched the small groups of students walking together, the smiles, the lively exchanges. His gaze finally caught a distant figure, and he squinted to make out the details.
"Yes, let this be a sign,
Let this road be mine"
He had just recognized Bokuto. He froze and fell completely silent. Oikawa raised his eyes, surprised to not hear him anymore.
He had to do something.
Now.
Without further ado, and without taking the time to gather his things, he got up and started running towards Bokuto.
"Kuroo!" he heard shouted behind him.
He didn't turn around and kept running. Bokuto was too far away for him to call out his name, and the sneaky one was getting farther and farther away, nearing the exit. He pushed hard to close the gap between them, but after a few attempts, realized he still wasn't within shouting distance. He passed through the exit gate and stopped to scan the surroundings, having lost all trace of the young man he was chasing.
He finally saw him a few meters away, getting into the back of a car. He sped up, swearing as he saw the car start to leave the car park. As the vehicle regained the road, ready to head back to an unknown destination, Kuroo, out of ideas, stood in front of it, arms outstretched. The car stopped just in front of him, but he couldn't avoid the collision and took the bumper to his legs. The impact threw him off balance, and he barely managed to catch himself by extending his arms to avoid falling flat on the car. Without even taking the time to process the incident, he circled around to stand in front of the driver's side door. The window rolled down:
"What the fuck Kuroo! Are you out of you're freaking mind?!" Kenma shouted, on the verge of hyperventilating.
As he stuck his head inside, Kuroo noticed that all three of them were in the car. They looked at him in astonishment, shocked by what had just happened.
"Oh, you're all here," Kuroo remarked as if he hadn't just been hit by a car.
"You reckless idiot! Do you…"
"Okay," Kuroo said.
Kenma fell silent and raised an eyebrow.
"Okay," Kuroo repeated, not elaborating further.
The trio went from astonishment to surprise.
"You mean that..."
Bokuto leaned his head between the two front seats and shouted, "You mean it's a yes!"
"Well, I don't know if it's a yes, but I'm willing to give it a try, see if..."
Before he could finish, Bokuto got out of the car and threw himself at him. He hugged him so tightly that he lost his breath.
Kuroo felt a profound wave of euphoria wash over him, and he knew he had made the right decision. He would see what the future held for him. He would take it one step at a time, but this was the road that would be his.
-end of the chapter-
We're finally here!
Next chapter: "Butterfly farm 1"
"Kuroo."
"Hmm."
"If you were doubting it, know that I am here willingly. I am glad to be here, with you."
The brunet smiled at him.
"Me too."
They looked at each other. Already, something had changed between them.
It reminded him of the first time he had joined Akaashi at Fukuro. When his gaze had gotten lost in his as they were about to part; when he had felt that first tingling, that youthful excitement that had enveloped him entirely. When he had felt that the tingling was mutual.
Today they were here. Together.
