Day 265

It was becoming Amelia's thing.

The one thing that Arizona had been vocal about hating – yet something she secretly loved getting from Amelia.

She'd love it all the more if Amelia would be decent enough to write letters to her on a piece of paper as any normal person would do, but no, Amelia was anything but ordinary.

Amelia loved writing and leaving special notes to Arizona hidden in her medical journals, in between her notes for their Bioethics class, on the cup sleeve of her coffee cups, hell even in any vacant space from the numerous essays or research papers she would submit to her professors.

She would often get the professors turning their heads whenever Arizona would submit her papers with the words, "I love you." in big bold letters written at the back end of every page. She couldn't care less if she would often get lectures about how unprofessional it looked. Most of the time she would find herself in trouble for Amelia's doing, but she secretly loved it.

Loved how Amelia was undaunted to profess her love to her. Loved being reminded that she was hers every time she'd look back on her notes to study.

Med school was terrible.

Med school beat the shit out of her all the damn time, but the little notes Amelia would give her, with Amelia proclaiming how in love she was with her, would often serve as a reminder for Arizona to never give up.

And so, that was what Arizona exactly did for the rest of the years they spent together.


Arizona has always been a runner.

She usually was this person who had a terrible flight or flight response.

Fleeing has always been her appropriate response to any situation at any given moment. She hadn't known it could have been a problem until it was Amelia who walked out of their relationship right after she proposed.

And now she hated running – walking away when things get unbearable, difficult to handle. She vowed herself she'd never run from anything again. No matter how painful it could get.

She supposed she could make an exception now though.

Getting to see your ex you haven't heard from for ten years who showed up in your life again unexpectedly with a child seemed to be a valid reason to run away.

She hadn't heard from Amelia in ten years.

She always wondered what she did with her life when she left Hopkins, but she'd never thought she could be seeing her this way. Amelia who owned a coffee shop, Amelia in Seattle - for god knows how long had she moved here.

The thought that they'd been practically living in the same space all this time gave Arizona a headache. Amelia with Scout.

Amelia with Scout.

Of course. Arizona had always known Amelia wanted a family of her own – she had been clear about it since they started dating. Arizona had always been supportive of that. They'd been open about the possibility of having kids in the near future. Whatever situation they were in could never be a hurdle to starting something beautiful. To have kids they could call their own. Arizona had been through it all the way. She had always wanted the same things. It had always been for Amelia.

Years since Amelia left, Arizona was given the impression that she didn't want to be found. And so, she respected her choice and gave her space. The space allowed Arizona to move on and refocus on what she really wanted with her career. Sometimes it killed her to wonder wherever Amelia went. But she had never been worried about her, not one bit. Amelia has always been resilient and utterly amazing. Whatever and wherever Amelia was, she just know she was always putting up something incredible.

So, it was not really much of a surprise that ten years later - she'd see Amelia as a mom.

She felt her lungs getting heavier with each step she took on the way back to the car.

It was excruciating, trying to catch her breath and using her last ounce of strength to fight the cold because it was still raining too hard and she already left the damn coffee shop without her umbrella.

She was soaking wet, and she'd probably catch a cold which was dumb of her to do given that she had to back to work tomorrow. But fuck, Amelia was Scout's mom. Amelia owned the fucking shop.

She couldn't go back there now.

Amelia was Scout's Mom and she still didn't know what to do with that.

And every time she blinked - her mind would give her a replay of the way Amelia looked when they first saw each other again. The way her eyes glistened, imploring - almost shining with tears. It was so unfair. For her to be looking at her like that.

It was Amelia who left her, left them .

She had no right to even cry about things that she deliberately walked out from.

It made her want to die. Her heart felt heavy, filled with anguish when it shouldn't be.

It had been ten years.

It shouldn't matter anymore.

They were both young and broke and Arizona was naive, too in love - too wrapped up in the idea of spending forever with someone she has always been sure of.

She shouldn't let her past emotions get the best of her now and take it against Amelia.

But god damn the memories were still too fresh though. Like a wound that has reopened, it stung, and what made it hurt even more was the fact that she was caught off guard. How Amelia could walk again in her life just like that expecting she'd greet her with open arms.

"Arizona," Amelia cried out. She could tell she was closely following her from behind but she didn't want to look back. She wanted to keep going. She wanted to leave and never see her for good.

"Arizona, please." She pleaded — and it made her knees weak. Because the hard truth there was that she had always been shitty at saying no to Amelia. Arizona would wince each time Amelia would open her mouth to say something. Ten years later and she still had that effect on her. It was almost pathetic. She wanted it to stop.

"Can we please talk?" Amelia asked, catching her breath as the rain continued to pour heavily against them, soaking their clothes.

Arizona couldn't help but notice how her voice sounded a little jagged already since she was trying to catch up with her. Arizona was torn if she was worried about her, or frustrated to the point that she was willing to face her just to finally get her to stop.

"Now you want to talk?" Arizona whipped her head around hard, making Amelia draw back from where she stood. Her chest was pounding hard, too. Almost to the same extent as how the raindrops fell to her skin.

She was grateful that it was still raining so Amelia wouldn't be able to see she had been crying since she walked out of Scout's. Grateful that she didn't have to pretend to feel indifferent because now Amelia was pleading that they talk, and she found it unfair. She hastily wiped her hands with the back of her hand, loose wet strands of blonde hair falling from her face making it even more difficult to see Amelia clearly.

"You don't get to ask for anything from me." She added, speaking through gritted teeth. Arizona knew she was being too harsh, but she also just wanted to leave.

"I know you're upset –"

" Upset ? Why would I?" She asked with sarcasm as she crossed her arms defensively against her chest. "I loved you and you left."

Arizona laughed humorlessly, trying to swallow the uncomfortable sob building in her throat. She shook her head, trying to blink back the tears still swimming in her eyes. The four-letter word felt heavy on her tongue as she said it. Mostly because it had been a while since she actually said it to anyone. She'd been with countless women but she could only remember saying it to Amelia. And now everything hurts getting to relieve all that again. It only brought back all the memories they spent together back in Hopkins.

"It was three years of loving you and being committed only to you." She frowned, looking back up at Amelia who only managed to stay silent as she clenched her jaw hard. "I was never angry about why you said no. I would have survived that but then you decided to not even give me fucking room to understand what prompted you to leave me just like that." Arizona explained, the sound of the rain was completely drowning her words - and so she raised her voice a little louder, never giving a damn how she already sounded pathetic and desperate, crying and screaming in the rain trying to prove a point that no longer mattered.

"I know and I'm sorry, please." Amelia shed her tears, lips failing to restrain themselves from quivering. Arizona used to be the one to wipe her tears, not cause them. But she was not hers anymore and they were barely even friends at this point. "I never wanted us to end that way."

Arizona closed her eyes shut, clothes now drenched in rain that it was now useless to even hug herself to fight off her shuddering. She took a deep breath, contemplating if it was still worth it to ask questions that ruminated in her head since she left.

For her closure.

Even if it no longer made sense to ask for one since they went their separate ways. A frown adorned her face, responding to Amelia with silence. Arizona wanted to stop overthinking, for once – not to care if she was being too much, because here was Amelia now - after ten years, it was only fitting to say the words now before leaving her for good. She tucked the wet loose strands of blonde hair behind her ear, shifting her gaze solely on Amelia for the very first time - and it pained her to do so.

She was still beautiful and full of life as ever like it had only been yesterday.

"Did you love me like the way you wrote?" Arizona asked.

Amelia looked down, drawing a short breath.

Of course, she remembered exactly what she was referring to.

Arizona felt selfish to ask knowing that somewhere behind them - was a life Amelia has already built for herself, without her. She had the most beautiful boy anyone could ever want, and she assumed a loving husband she and Scout go home to at the end of every day. A life that she once dreamt of having with Amelia.

Arizona shook her head, muttering an apology for imposing.

"Forget what I said. That doesn't –"

"Of course, I did." She smiled through her tears, running a hand on her chest. "Of course, I did." She repeated, with more conviction, " You were it for me, Arizona."

Silence.

Arizona swallowed hard, stuffing her hands into her wet pockets. Something surged against her chest, and it was not agonizing. "Then why did you give up… just like that? " She sounded so weak as if being in the same space as Amelia was choking the life out of her. God, Amelia used to be someone she called her home.

A forced smile etched on her face, looking like there were more words wanting to slip out of her mouth, but when she opened her mouth – nothing came out.

Arizona patiently waited for her to say something, mentally preparing herself for what was to come. Until the rain eventually dwindled down, and the atmosphere somehow cleared her head – telling her that begging for answers now was just too useless.

"I wasn't enough for you, wasn't I?" Arizona remarked, more of a statement than a question.

Amelia's face fell.

The emotions and silence Amelia conveyed to her were pretty much the answer that she needed.

She nodded in defeat, coming to terms that this was it – the closure that she was looking for all these years. Through her silence.

Arizona cracked a forced smile. Suddenly the tension between them wasn't as thick as it had been a few minutes ago. It probably dissipated at the same moment when the rain stopped. Her heart finally went back to its steady pace, losing the war with the claws scratching from her ribs making her uncomfortable to breathe earlier.

"That's pretty much all the answer I need," Arizona replied with brows creased in frustration, as emotions ran a little too high.

Amelia looked as if she still wanted to say something else entirely, a slight wince contorted in Amelia's features. Yet, she continued to remain silent, solemnly nodding instead.

Amelia's absence has always been the closure she almost died fighting tooth and nail to get. Arizona didn't know what even got her into asking more questions now when their chapter had already been closed for more than a decade.

Maybe because she was stalling – part of her didn't want to let go, just yet.

But the major part of her needed to. She owed it to herself to do so.

"Can you say goodbye to Scout for me?" Arizona asked.

It was harrowing - to say goodbye under these terms. She barely hung out with Scout yet she already found herself drawn to the kid. Of course, she wanted to know him more – if given the chance, she'd do it all over again. She only wished the circumstances had been different – but she knew it was an impossible request when part of what made Scout the way he was now was because of Amelia. No wonder why she found herself captivated by his charm.

Now it pained her to accept that this was the furthest she could get with Scout.

It'd be unfair to be involved with him given the past that she had with his Mom. It was for the better to leave it this way.

She turned her gaze away from Amelia, about to head back to where her car was parked but Amelia had been persistent. Within a snap of a finger, the brunette reached out until she has firmly wrapped her finger around her wrist. Amelia pulled her harder than intended, making Arizona lurch forward, stepping into her space. Her face was now mere inches away from Amelia and god, it all seemed unfair that she was still wearing the perfume she had on since their days at Hopkins. She still smelled so good, and Arizona also couldn't remember her lips looking more inviting than before.

This whole thing had to stop.

But Amelia was desperately pleading for her to stay, looking like every cell in her body was begging for Arizona to hear her out. "No, don't go." Amelia's face scrunched up, looking more than upset - still crying, still having a death grip on her wrist – Arizona felt numb. "I just got you back, I can't —"

Can't what?

They were ten years later for whatever it was Amelia even planned on saying.

Arizona was choosing herself this time around. She was choosing to be happy. And by that it meant, she could never allow herself to even be friends with Amelia Shepherd.

"I can't either, it's just —" It'd be damaging to let Amelia in her life once again. "I can't have you in my life anymore, Amelia. I'm sorry."

Amelia lets out a gasp, shoulders trembling as she sobbed in her hands.

Arizona couldn't absolutely want her, but she also could never hate her – but she remained helpless, unmoving. She figured there was nothing else that she could do or say to make things better for Amelia, so she left.

For real this time.


Day 1117

The sign was there, written in big bold letters once again.

Only this time, it was not just a simple, "I love you" as Arizona hoped she'd find.

It had been almost a week since Arizona proposed. Since Amelia said no, and left without a goodbye.

A week, since she found herself, crawling on the floor, constantly crying in their old rotten apartment.

For the first time, Arizona had no idea what to do. It was three years of doing anything and everything with Amelia – and now she was gone, it felt as though she had to rebuild herself all over again.

To relearn the ways of living for just herself.

So she had to admit that she looked more than hopeful when she heard a knock at their door.

God knows how fast she was up on her feet to answer who it was on the other side - only to be disappointed to know that it was only Stacy from Microbiology.

Stacy looked worried - carrying what seemed like packed lunch with a binder of what seemed like a week's worth of medical notes she missed. Arizona sighed at the door, not even bothering to second guess who it was from.

Amelia used to do this. She used to be the most put-together of the two of them academically. The one who would often bring her lunches to class when she would forget to eat, someone who would happily give out her notes because she had always known Arizona to be a perfectionist. She was always incredibly slow when it came down to notes taking, making her always fall behind in class.

Without even bothering to acknowledge Stacy, she greedily grab a hold of the packed lunch and binder from her hands and closed the door in her face. It was selfish of her to do, but right now - she just couldn't care less, she just needed to hear from Amelia. Maybe it was all just some kind of mistake for her, maybe she froze - maybe she was able to think things through and was planning to come back.

"You don't have to marry me."

"I don't want that anymore if that means I'd still get to keep you."

"Just stay with me."

She rehearsed these lines a thousand times for the past week, over and over until she'd bitten her lip way too hard until it bled. Arizona just knew words were never enough. That it was still possible that Amelia could never return.

Arizona dreaded proposing in the first place. She wished she hadn't done that instead. Arizona wished she knew how to wait. She wished it didn't look as if she was rushing her, but god, she was just so in love with her, and at that time, it felt like the only right thing to do.

Sure the past days that led before she proposed had been difficult. Arizona felt absolutely foolish thinking that pulling out a ring would somehow fix them. But no ring could repair the issues Arizona took for granted to fix.

She placed the packed lunch on the table and quickly went through the binder instead. She scanned through every page as if she was in a fucking race - going through the handwritten notes, page by page until she saw it — in Amelia's writing.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

And that was when Arizona knew.

Amelia was never coming back.


"You know, I was kind of surprised to get a text from you an hour ago about wanting to get a drink here at your place when we could easily have done it at Joe's." April continued to ramble, pulling out the booze she had bought from her bag. "Not that I'm complaining, sure your place is fine – but all the other attendings are there, and I feel like we are missing out on the fun." She added.

Arizona could only sigh, wrapping her body securely in her blanket as she stared blankly at more than a dozen medical journals scattered across her bed.

More than a dozen of ten-year-old medical journals to be exact.

She had memorized each word, each procedure by heart - but she couldn't seem to throw them away.

She could have easily thrown them away, replace them with something new - but none of them had Amelia's "I love you" written on them.

Now that she was back, she couldn't stop going through them once again. It was depressing that she still had all these.

"You know, Harriet told me about her day earlier – and she couldn't stop talking about you. She had such a great time with you, and if you know, I've been thinking… as a godmother, you should spend more time with her." She pulled two wine glasses out from the cupboard, and a corkscrew from the drawer, "And pretty sure Scout is a bit in love with you after you made them to the superhero pose thing. Don't ask – but Harriet told me all about it, I think it's cute." April gushed.

Arizona sighed, covering her eyes with her hand as she flopped back on the bed.

"Of course I did."

"You were it for me, Arizona."

There was that tightness that loomed in her chest all over again, which prompted her to sob uncontrollably. Surely, that got April to stop herself from rambling as she hurriedly made her way to the bed.

"Arizona, what's wrong?" She asked, mortified. Arizona felt terrible, it was the first time the trauma surgeon had seen her cry. To be this broken and weak.

She blinked forcibly, miserably failing to keep her voice from shuddering as she stared straight ahead at the ceiling, "It's her."

"Her what? Arizona you're not making any sense —"

With a shaky breath, and her voice practically breaking, their eyes finally met for a brief moment – marveling all the strength to answer.

"The person I used to tell you about is here in Seattle," brows knitted tightly together as she shook her head hard, still caught in a trance that this was all real. Maybe too real. "She's Scout's mom."

April's face fell, standing frozen in place as her hands quickly flew to her chest.