Having been woken up by a nightmare twice in one night, Severus saw no reason to go back to sleep again. This was getting worse far too quickly for his likings and honestly, he was fed up.

He swatted another bloody mosquito and groaned. Eileen didn't bother to brew an insecticide, and Severus was rather busy…with everything. Thus, the invasion of the bothersome bugs.

And he had forgotten to get the ingredients from the apothecary in Diagon the other day.

What a laughable spy he made. A forgetful spy was a dead one.

-it wasn't like he hadn't died in a painful manner in his not future memories.

So forgetting was a thing now. Him coming back- or his memories transferred like Em said- had fucked up his ordered, neat mind and his sort of eidetic memory.

Unlike his first days back in this time, he tended to forget things. He could remember vividly how confused he was, how he was caught between this time and the time he had come from. How he had decided to have a normal, no dark lord future second time around. Going to Hufflepuff, keeping his head down…

Or not.

What a spectacle he had made of himself.

Instead, his inner savior jumped to save Pettigrew of all people, and then Amelia and Frank happened, and oh, don't forget the mess he made trying to save Andromeda and Ted and then Regulus… at least after finding Emerald- or Emerald finding HIM as she believed- he was not that disoriented. He was a normal boy, but with memories of a future yet to happen.

A future he had already changed parts of it.

He had tried hard to forget the way his future self was heartbroken his last year. He tried to forget the way Minerva- no Professor McGonagall- had stared at his back with pure hatred and colleagues easily forgetting all he was but Dumbledore murderer.

Now he couldn't even remember why he had killed the old Cogger clearly. Something about an unbreakable vow?

He throws his lot into other people's problems.

And for a time, it seemed it worked. He was so busy dealing with other people problems he couldn't remember a thing about Tobias and Eileen and that bloody NOIR …

A ritual he never knew about, a possibility of him being Sirius fucking Black brother.

Right.

Emerald said the more he changed, the more he would forget.

Ironically, the more he grew up, the more he would remember. As his occlumency powers strengthened, his psych would get more fucked up with the horrors of his maybe past future.

As if he had not enough on his plate as of now. Dealing with the possibility of a new infant in their messed-up home, figuring how to keep Regulus-his other younger sibling- from trouble, Lily being her usual sunny self and Petunia hounding him for more lessons…

And his duty as eternal friend of Longbottom's and Bones that he knew nothing about.

Not to mention his night terrors that had ceased bothering him for a time.

and now, at these warm nights of summer when his shirt stuck his sweaty back and stupid bed bugs made his skin itch, all by himself in his childhood home, at the worst possible time.

The nightmares were back.

He could recall things that happened first time around. Sometimes meaningless things, like strolling for a change of scenery, sometimes confusing things, like how Lily had not gone to a lengthy trip first time around.

And some nights, he remembered torture.

Good nights, it was Tobias.

Bad nights, it was Voldemort.

And to think Emerald said it would get worse than this… and soon the baby would come.

What was he to do with a baby sister? Leave her at their mercy? They had supposedly changed, but.

Not that much. They seemed eager enough to welcome a baby girl. Not to think it wouldn't change at the drop of a hat.

Not to think HIS home situation changed that much.

The whole atmosphere of their house was like cold war. Hostilities were so high you could practically smell it in the air like a sour odor. Tobias would glare daggers at Eileen's back when she was waddling around the house and Eileen would return the favor by giving him her coldest shoulder.

Fortunately, both of them forgot about the son named Severus.

His emotions aside, his mental problems aside, he had homework too, given to him by Emerald.

Homework he hadn't worked on all that much.

At least Eileen and Tobias being at cold war made him invisible. He could come and go as he pleased.so you couldn't say that he was complaining. If anything, he was a bit grateful as He even had the opportunity to have Emerald in his room for a whole day when neither of the so-called adults were around.

And guess what, it was a disaster. As soon as she arrived, she tested him for his language skills he was supposed to practice.

-news flash he hadn't

"خوب بچه، فارسیت چطور پیش میره؟"

-ok kid, how your Farsi learning is going on?

And he groaned. Learning the damn language was harder than bloody Latin and he was simply stuck. How he was to learn that thing called language from a book? With his parents acting like Russia and America, his recurring nightmares and Petunia training, and now Emerald behaving like an annoying adult, who would blame him to have such a short fuse?

"Now translate this:

"اومدم ببینمت، نبودی، برگشتم منتظر موندم تا برگردی"

Sod it all!

The bloody sentence was made of verbs only! No fucking thing like pronouns or nouns or adverbs or nothing.

Just verbs!

"Go, see, not there? return, back?"

Emerald smacks him. How she does it while being a feathered animal is beyond his comprehension.

"I came to see you, you weren't there, I returned and waited for you to come back"

"Where in hell is 'I came to see you'. There were 7, at most 8 words at the sentence. How in merlin's pants you turned it into a 17 words long sentence with proper nouns and everything?"

He really is stamped. Full stop.

Emerald cleans her beak on his pillow, not caring one bit for him glaring at her cheap move.

"You can't learn like this, and you have to learn your history"

For what? He is sane enough to withhold and avoid being hit or smacked. Em does not care, again.

"Time is not on our side. It never was. It does its best to return to the way things were"

And neither the bird nor the boy can allow that. Many innocents will die, so many children orphaned.

He has a will to protect his new friends. He has to do his best, or Reg would die. Fabian and Gideon will be slaughtered, Amelia would be hunted down and.

Charity, Frank, Marlene, Lily…

All of them would die.

"You cannot back down, or we will drown"

He nods at this, he won't.

And yet.

The nightmares are horrifying. He wakes up not knowing what is real and what is fake. He cannot distinguish between his adult self in future and his scrawny child figure. He sometimes can feel the Crucitas casted on him, while there is nothing wrong with him when he wakes up.

Sometimes he cries at the injustice of this whole thing. Why he has to be the martyr, the savior again? Why he has to be the protector again? Why not that stuck up arse Dumbledore? Why not any of the adults or other kids? Why this has to be his burden?

Sometimes he thinks about telling someone about his memories and be done with it. He can extract them, send them to Flamel or Bones or even Dumbledore and just breathe.

And he knows it won't work. Whoever gets it, will abuse him and use him. He won't have this mediocre peace he has now. He would either turn into more of celebrity than he is now, turned into an icon, or has to locked under seven different locks so no-one can get to him.

Because obliviation won't be enough to erase 30 years of memories. No-one had extracted more than 1 year worth of them and even if it worked, what can be done about the next batch of memories he will get as getting older?

He could see ministry trying to get their sticky hands on him. He could see Albus trying to maneuver him, shape him into perfect Harry Potter of this time, willing to die.

He wants to live.

And even if he could obliviate himself, extract them all, be free from ministry lackies and Albus, what would happen to him?

Would he choose to ally himself with nose less menace again? Would he lust after Lily for another decade?

Would Lily and others die the way they did? Peter would turn a traitor; Frank's offspring live as a spineless orphan?

Not under his watch.

Not if he could help.

Even now, with his tiny manipulations, befriending Peter helped him to smile more. He was such an innocent boy now. He loved his mom and dad and just wanted to become a clerk and have a simple life with 2 or 3 kids one day.

Frank – kind and gentle Frank who had offered to help him in his first day without him asking, never reminding him that the clothes he had was his- didn't deserve to rot in saint mungo.

Charity who hugged like there was no tomorrow, who could befriend someone like Lupin and love someone like Severus deserved better.

And so did Tonks, and Amelia, and the twins and Marlene.

And Lily.

And Petunia.

He had to endure. He had to.

Even with sleepless nights and stressful days and a dark ritual hovering over his head.

So

His bad luck.

He wonders if this his is just his bad luck that Lily comes back right after he had a sleepless night filled with fresh slice of night terrors.

The day was normal. Tobias went to work; Eileen went somewhere merlin knew.

Severus left for Evanses, getting a hold of a very ancient looking book he has stolen from his mother's room that is one application of runes in protection, also to maybe try and sneak peek some of the more interesting books Petunia bought.

The grass really is greener on their side of street. There is no stray dog barking, no foul smell bothering his nose, and no would be rubbers and hookers hanging around.

It's just normal. Like those tv shows.

A small house with a white chimney, with freshly trimmed grass and a lovely family inside, filled with laughter and hope.

So, unlike his neighborhood. A wooden cabin on the verge of collapse, with all sorts of junks around. The polluted river giving the most nauseating smell and kids having a vacant look in their eyes, like they know there is nothing bright in their future.

He shakes his head. He has other things to do.

He knocks three times and Rose lets him in automatically. She always knows when he is at the door, somehow.

As soon as he enters the house, Rose hugs him as hello.

"And how is my boy today?"

It makes something break in him. He swallows this with a little difficulty.

How a sort of stranger- someone only knowing him secondhand, from his daughters, for a couple of years- showers him with love and attention.

It's hard.

He has been called 'boy', 'the freak', 'waste of space', 'waste of breath', 'failure' and many things else he doesn't want to remember, but 'my boy' was always served for Albus. Albus who was not his friend at last, and used him like the dark lord did.

Never been 'my boy' for his parents, for his tutors and the potion master he served his mastery under.

And it only has taken Rose Evans a trip to Diagon and a simple Floo network to call him that. Call him that and mean it, and not want anything in return but his general well-being and happiness.

Why it had taken him dying and coming back to life to hear 'my boy' like this? Like she is happy to see him?

Like she considers him her son?

Like she worries over him, a lost cause from the other side of the river?

She conceals her worry in her soft smiles. He clearly can see the motherly look in her eyes. Those he used to get from Minerva when he wasn't eating well, or at Halloween's. the look he never had gotten from Eileen. he wonders if Rose had this look in his future past and he never noticed. Or was it pity? She must see the shadows around his eyes, the tiredness that is weird for a kid this age to display.

Does she fake it? Is it all for a ruse? Something she can gain from him?

He cant help but be suspicious. its his bloody second nature.

And she hugs him tighter, as if hears his unsavory thoughts. Her hand caresses his cheek.

No. her touch tells another tale. It's so gentle and kind it cannot be its just Rose being mother henley, her kind self.

The whirlwind of emotions he feels almost chokes him. Envy, for the Evans girls, jealousy, because why he has what he has as parents, and all of his other classmates have theirs? Shame, because of feeling those emotions and a whole mix of other confusing things.

Gratitude, sadness, tiredness, a whole lot of existential crises. Just another weird aspect of his life.

"Just perfect Rose" Sev says as he hugs her back less awkwardly than he used to do. Charity trained him well.

Rosaline Evans smells of fresh jasmines and home. His heart trumpets in his chest because why?

Why in hell he has to deal with Eileen when…

Petunia's huff breaks the moment.

"Honestly mom, as if he wasn't here the other day. How about we give him a room in here, I won't object to have him as a sibling rather than Lily, as she has not been in her room for about forever? Hum? I won't be surprised a bit, what with You hugging him like there is no tomorrow."

Severus detaches himself from Rose hurriedly, as if he is on fire. Really was Petunia a spy or something in her past life? He didn't hear a thing and was taken by surprise!

"Petunia!" as soon as Rose begins berating her daughter, the floo comes to life.

"Hi everyone! Good …"

The rest of Lily's sentence is forgotten when she sees Severus.

"morning"

Petunia did jinx it after all.

What a good morning indeed. It's just not his day, it seems.

-- -- --

The breakfast is an awkward affair, with Henry hugging his daughter welcome, at the same time stuffing his mouth with a made-up sandwich and hurrying to work, leaving the rest to deal with. Everything.

Starting with Petunia and Lily's rivalry/jealousy siblings-ship.

"So, Lily flower how was your stay with your friend, Mary was it?"

Bless Rose's brave soul.

"I Dunno mom, seems like you had more adventure than me" and motions to the newly installed floo while stabbing a poor bacon like it offended her personally somehow.

"Oh Lils, yes! We also went to the Diagon and had just every flavor of ice cream and then some. Wait until you see my runes books"

Says Petunia gleefully, completely disregarding her mother's glares.

Adding fuel to the fire.

"Runes?" Lils asks with a bland tone as if she was not taken by surprise by the Diagon trip at all.

How Petunia found enough time to inform her, Severus would never know. She truly is a gossip girl.

"Yep. Turns out your headmaster is less of a genius than you made him to be. Severus here saw my aura with his magical sight he calls perception. Then we tried just everything abit. I liked runes and history better. He said I can even sit my OWLs in some of them. Like runes, arithmancy, herbology and history. No transfiguring or potions or charms, but I didn't like those much"

Now he feels Lily's eyes shifting to him. He can feel her blaming him.

For what? his mind is reeling to find out.

Oh.

Oh. Is that it?

Parts of him wants to recoil in shame. Wants to ask for her forgiveness and beg her to tell him what he did wrong.

Just a small part, remnant of those good days when the Truely was her best friend, not an afterthought. Not the one she went to when there was no one interesting around.

He still remembers the future past's first Christmas he had in Hogwarts. Lily had gone home, forgetting about the promise she made a month before to remain. The future past when she had all but left him in favor of her shiny new house mates. He even caught her laughing with Potter gang over some inside joke, sharing cookies.

Those same people who had embarrassed him in front of the whole class, jinxing his broom and calling him that awful name, Snivelus for the first time just a week before.

He can get it why, really. She was certain of him, of his loyalty but not her new ones. She was a stranger, afraid of being rejected. Afraid of being a Mugglebron not knowing about the magical folk's customs. She would have thought Severus was safe because he was a half blood. She would have thought he would stick with her no matter what.

He was so transparent in his affections even then. A gullible fool of the first degree. Worse than a Hufflepuff in being loyal, and more goat headed than a Gryffindor when it came to her.

It takes him 20 years of living in a self-made hell to grasp it.

Making his mind "Petunia is rather a good student" he blurts out.

He would play the part for her to live on. He would distance himself willingly to protect her.

He will be Petunia's teacher, and pretend he is Lily's brother- merlin knows she even does not see him like a companion, a distant cousin or a long forgotten relative even.

"Most of it comes from my mother's books and her meticulous notes" he adds hastily to not make the rivalry between sisters more grave.

Or maybe more than that.

He knows he has to distance himself. He knows Lily would be more of a target if he was beside her, now more than ever. He has ruined his chances of anonymity with turning into the Hufflepuff Hero and Merlin's second. Last time, he was only a potions genius and look where it got him. This time him not joining the band would be more dangerous.

He thinks he can figure it out how to help others, but Lily?

It's impossible to remove her from their sight. She is just the sort of person everyone wants on their side.

Fierce, powerful, brave, charismatic, good looking.

She really was something in charms.

He is so immersed in his thoughts he doesn't see the way her face twists into something ugly. Her eyes shining with fury and longing and want.

Wanting what, exactly?

"Excuse me, I think I don't have that much of an appetite today" and pushes the chair and storms to her room.

Rose shakes her head" must you Petunia? "

Petunia shrugs" its Lily who thinks she owns Sev. Her being this stubborn jealous bint is not my fault"

"PETUNIA!"

Severus has ruined things again, without much of an effort. What an accomplishment.

When mother and daughter are lost in their discussion, he debates going up there or not.

At the end, he relents.

Because its Lily.

And he always was there for her. Maybe he tells himself that it will be just this once. Just for one more time I forgive her childish behavior, just once more.

And again.

At least this time, he knows it won't continue like this. He has to cut Lily off his life, if he wants to keep her safe.

Being with him means danger. His other friends will listen if he tells them to run.

Lily wont.

Besides, she is still a child. While Severus was never one- even when he was younger, or in his future past- dealing with adults' shitty problems since he can't remember, Lily is not.

She is a protected child, a cared for child whom knows not of the life cruelty yet. She has no grasp of the real drama going on in the wizarding world. How her beloved headmaster and ministry are at each other's throat, while Voldy's getting the lost causes they deemed unworthy of their attention.

Dumbledore is a defender of all red and gold. His heart has an enormous space reserved for any muggle-born, talented half blood, or light family heirs.

It leaves a large part of wizarding world out. The dirt-poor purebloods, or ones with weak magical abilities, and those second and third-rate purebloods. Anyone wearing green and silver, and any non-talented wixen.

The ministry is even dumber- if that's possible. They just want rich people to support their lavish life, stupid useless arses unable to think for themselves to utilize in meaningless jobs and old coggers who refuse to change their ways.

At some parts of his mind, he knows he is not doing this just for her, but for his own. He cannot be responsible for her death again. He has to think about his vulnerable siblings-yes even that bastard Sirius- and how to survive the war.

His reasons are shitty at best, but his mind is a bit addled. Tired of thinking, worrying, planning and dreading altogether.

He inhales deeply, and knocks on her door.

"get away!"

He shifts on his legs uneasily.

"its me Lils" says softly.

"oh its lils now,hm?"

He is rather confused.

"Lily be reasonable. Did you wanted me to not teach Petunia? It was not fair, and could have been dangerous. Even squibs got magical education of some levels because they do get magical disease and all. Petunia is above one, but not good enough for wandwork. It is .."

And he fells scilent as the door is yanked open violently.

"are ya stupid?"

He really doesn't understand the fury in her eyes.

"I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!"

He shakes his head, still not getting it.

"why do you, the bloody genius of the generation not get it? Petunia called me last night and told me all of it last night. I knew it and didn't care! It was just her pettiness to repeat it all a second time, wanted a rise outta me. "

He hangs his head. Despite all of his air of bravado, he is still a child. A child who fears loud voices. A child who can remember a future he has not lived yet, in which his only friend leaves him for good after a row.

But she doesn't know, and she goes on, rising her voice higher and higher.

"I don't give a flying shit about petunia or that you wanted to teach her! I give a shit when you don't talk to me all year! I give a fuck when I hear about you nearly dying again because of bloody Blacks secondhand"

She is an inch away from his face now.

"I give a damn when my best friend, first friend abondones me and forgets he ever had a friend because he found new friends. I give a damn when this friend who always stiffened if I put an arm around his hsoulders and now it doesn't bother him hugging virtually anyone, even Petter Pettigrew who almost poisoned him, anyone but me!"

And she is throwing herself at him, kissing him out of the blue.

The book he had under his arm, his mother's book falls to the floor.

Why?

He is frozen.

Why now?

He never saw this coming. He had been slapped, hugged and shoved, but kissed?

His first kiss.

Or is it? His first in this life maybe?

He is more confused.

He had wanted it just forever and more, and now that he has finally decided against it, fate sees fit to give it to him.

Does he love her still?

Can he love her at all?

She is a 12 years old, while he has a full set of memories of a 38 years old man killed horribly. A man who said he loved her and didn't gave a damn about her child.

There is a small part of him which says always.

Always Lily.

And yet he can not. He choose to go another way. He changed things so much he is not that boy he would have been in his first try.

She detaches herself. Eyes full of tears.

Face wet.

And he gathers now that he had not reciprocated at all.

Like nothing.

And the look, the hurt look in her eyes hit him full force.

He runs.

Leaving Lily and the forgotten book on the floor .