Everything was bigger, like the world around him had somehow grown in size while he was unconscious. But glancing over his shoulder, the bakery's glass door showed that he was, in fact, the one that had shrunk.
"Why were you out in the rain?"
"Are you lost?"
"It's night, do you have your parents' numbers?"
"What's your name?"
Those were some of the questions the baker couples barraged him with while they rid him off his soaked shirt and dried him off with a towel.
"Shinji," he told them through chittering teeth, his voice several pitches higher than even when he was fourteen.
He barely had time to lament his lost of dignity after they then stripped him naked and threw him into the bathtub, overlooking it in favor of relishing in the lukewarm water that drove the cold away.
They clothed him with the neighbors' son clothes, fed him with warm food, and most of all smiled reassuringly his way whenever he looked up at them with a confused stare.
Their three-year-old son, Takato, countered Shinji's stare with one of his own, pointing finger at the stranger that had not just broken into their home but was to stay the night until they could bring him to the police tomorrow.
"Chinchi."
"...Shinji."
"Chinchi."
"..."
"Chinchi, Chinchi!" The toddler clapped happily as he mispronounced Shinji's name from his chiding mom's lap.
After accepting his rechristening as "Chinchi-niinii", the couples guided him to the bleakly empty guest room upstairs where he was given a futon, a pillow, and a dinosaur themed blanket that obviously belonged to their son.
While he lost sleep over the peculiar situation he found himself in, a certain toddler thought to recover his stolen blanket by peeping from the crack in door.
Shinji crawled his way from the futon to slide the door open, sacrificing his sight in the process. He offered the stolen blanket when his eyes readjusted to the light in the hallways but was surprised when the boy instead stumbled past him to enter the room.
Shinji didn't deign him a reaction other than a deadpan.
"Niinii," Takato disturbed his peace after Shinji returned to the futon and tried to get some shut eye.
"What?"
"You angry?" the boy asked while shamelessly climbing atop his chest and sitting there.
"No," he said with closed eyes, aware of the curious gaze on him.
"You sad?"
"No... Just thinking," he added, finally opening his eyes to come face to face with Takato whose nose almost touched his.
"About what?"
"Stuff." Shinji tried to shrug with the kid weighing his torso down. The kid hummed.
"I think too."
He humored the boy. "About what?"
"Bread! I like bread. Niinii likes bread?"
He never did get some shut-eye, but the kid's excitement soon wore off after a one-sided conversation where he listed off more kinds of bread than Shinji ever bothered to learn. Yawns replaced the boy's barely coherent words, and before long he was nodding his head of.
Takato's father appeared by the doorway followed by his wife. "Shinji-kun, have you see— Oh."
The boy's parents immediately came and apologized in their son's behalf and was about to take him away.
"No... Want stay..." Takato drowsily whined when his father picked him up.
Their eyes landed on him, to which he promptly shrugged with much ease than when the kid was sitting on him.
"I don't mind."
The boy's parents allowed it, mostly because of the lost child he was outside and not the confused teenager he was inside. Takato was again put down beside him while his parents left with a promise to bring Shinji another blanket.
The boy was warm, Shinji thought as the toddler snuggled into his chest.
"Chinchi-niinnii," Takato muttered in his sleep.
"...it's Shinji."
If he reciprocrated and wrapped his arm around the boy, he was of no mind to care as sleep slowly overtook him.
This world wasn't real anyway.
«・・・»
Shinji told them the truth, that his parents were Ikari Gendo and Yui, that his mother died and his father left him under somebody else's care. The policemen took notes of everything he said while Shinji himself stared at the calendar on the police box's far corner.
February 1994.
For an imaginary world, it knew enough sick humor to throw him several years before the Second Impact.
Naturally, no Ikaris across Japan reported to having a lost family member. After several days of the Matsuda couples having back-and-forth calls with the police on the telephone, it was decided that Shinji was to stay with them until further updates regarding his non-existent family and caretaker.
"Are you okay staying with us?" Takehiro-san asked, bending on his knees to look Shinji in the eyes. His wife Yoshie, likewise, bent down and rested a hand on his shoulder. Takato only swung his leg as he curiously watched them from his seat on the bakery's counter.
"We don't know how long you'll be staying, but it'll be awhile," Yoshie-san said. "Until that time comes, this bakery will be your home, if you want to live with us."
The Matsudas were a nice bunch. So nice that they were asking him, a six-year-old, if he wanted to live with two people who'd been nothing but accomodating during his time with them.
"I don't mind " Shinji shrugged. They might be nothing but a part of his delusion... but for once he supposed he could indulge in their concern until he woke up from this sick dream. "I'd love to stay here. I promise I won't be a bother."
He bowed in thanks.
With his indefinite stay official, the Matsudas renamed their repurposed guest room into Shinji's private abode, one Takato didn't get the memo of and always barged into whenever he could so long as he didn't get tired crawling up the stairs.
«・・・»
A visit to the doctor denied any health issue he might be facing so the Matsudas worried less about him at least, if still a bit concerned with his unchildlike behavior on most days.
"Physically he seems to be doing alright," Shinji recalled the pediatrician say after making him go through several tests, one of them a simple height and weight measurement that brought home how tiny he was. "Since he has no prior medical records, it'd be best to have him checked up for other health related concerns."
Those health related concerns ended up in him having appointments back to back from dentist to ophthalmologist to someone called an otorhinolaryngologist... All in all, it had been a busy week just to get him properly instated into the Matsuda household.
They bought him toiletries, new clothes, some toys he swore he only looked in the direction of in disinterest, and anything they deemed suitable to decorate a six-year-old's room with.
Shinji did wonder if they actually planned to give this room to Takato in the future. Him being here probably only hastened that plan... or so he joked to himself.
Nothing here was real after all. The room was just another figment of Shinji's imagination.
Soon, the previously bleak room transformed into a colorful living space in the matter of hours at the hand of the two Matsuda couples. Though Takato was the one most excited about the change despite doing nothing but rolling down on their newly bought carpet.
Everything was moving along smoothly. Or at least until a visit from the Child Guidance Centre prompted Shinji to say something he, in hindsight, should've kept to himself.
"Have the Matsudas been treating you well?" The agent asked when they were alone in the kitchen.
Shinji nodded. "I like them. They always give me space. Even Takato does sometimes."
The agent's eyebrow cocked slightly but she didn't show an outward response other than a smile.
"That's nice of them."
"They are." Shinji nodded again. "One time I didn't feel like leaving my room so they let me stay inside the whole day and brought me food."
The agent paused, her gentle gaze snapping into a more intense one. Her tone remained soft when she asked again. "Did your previous caretaker force you to do stuff you didn't like?"
Shinji's eyes wandered to the ceiling, memories playing in the corner of his mind. "It was always Shinji do that, Shinji do this. Got hurt a lot. They told me I could leave if I wanted to, so I ran away. Several times actually. But I always went back... because that was the only home I had."
When Shinji looked down again, the agent was staring at him with barely concealed concern.
He was told to return to his room with Takato while she talked to the Matsudas. He could guess what they were discussing, but the knowledge did little to prepare him for the teary hugs the couples threw him afterwards.
They were crying. For him.
Shinji decided to accept their touch and keep his mouth shut.
The illusions were starting to feel too real.
«・・・»
The Matsudas didn't start to treat him any different, but he noticed their gaze, the stare they gave him when they thought he wasn't looking.
Takato, oblivious as he was, continued to cling to Shinji wherever and whenever he could without a care for the tension stirring about in his home. When Shinji escaped outside for some fresh air, the boy too followed with too bright of a smile.
"Niinii, cowasson!" The boy handed him a freshly baked croissant after struggling to push open the glass door. Shinji did most of the job pulling the handle but the boy was proud of himself.
"Thank you." Shinji took the offered bread and ignored the look passers-by gave them simply for being adorable kids. As they both stood in silence, Takato playfully imitating every pose and movement Shinji did, a van happened to pass by that had a panda picture pasted onto it. It was almost instinctive when Shinji pointed at the picture while the van was still in view.
"Takato, do you know panda?" Shinji looked down at the toddler.
"Panda?"
While Takato followed the direction of his finger, Shinji bent down to Takato's line of sight and showed him the half-eaten bread.
"Takato, pan da (lit: it's bread)," Shinji said and waited for the boy to react. Instead of laughing, Takato tilted his head in confusion.
"Bread not okay?"
"...it's nothing." Shinji casually shoved the rest of the bread in his mouth but couldn't keep the disappointment from showing on his face. He hummed in thought. "Maybe puns are too much at your age."
At lunch, Takato sat on his high chair beside Shinji, his mouth puckered while he stared intently at his plastic bear-shaped plate.
"Panda," the boy said in thought, blinking when something appeared to have crossed his mind. "Pan. Da."
"Takato?"
The moment Yoshie-san asked, Takato's faint giggle had evolved into a guffaw.
"Panda! Pan da!" He clapped his hands, his cheery laugh resounding in the kitchen. She and her husband smiled in their son's direction, if a bit confused.
Away from their sight, Shinji cast his head downward and hid the slightly quirked corner of his lips.
"Panda! Pan da!" Takato giggled.
«・・・»
Shinji loved staring at the ceiling. Trailing the cracks and splotches decorating it brought a sense of peace to his mind. In a world where nothing was real, it was akin to losing himself among the illusions.
And in a blink it was gone. The ceiling he meant, courtesy of Takato blocking his sight with a piece of paper.
"Niinii, look! Cat!" Takato above him showed off his drawing prowess in the form of the crease-filled art, colors mixed with no rhyme nor reason. In the middle of the sea of chaos was what looked like the mini signboard they had outside the bakery.
"And where's the cat?" Rolling to his chest on his futon, Shinji propped himself up with his elbows to look better at the unique take on the animal shoved in his face.
"Behind sign. He shy." Takato smiled.
"Uh huh."
Looking away from the future comedian he'd created, Shinji pulled himself up to his feet, his futon and newly bought dinosaur blanket, piling under his feet.
"Takato, I'm going to school soon," he said and watched confusion unfold on the boy's face.
"School?"
Shinji nodded. "School, place with other big kids like me."
"Takato go school too?"
"No, just me. You have to stay at home." He shrugged. "I guess we're both gonna be lonely, huh, kid."
Takato shook his head, clearly disagreeing with his conclusion. "Takato not lonely. Takato has mommy and daddy."
Shinji snickered and tuckered away a strand of hair that was on the verge of poking the boy's eye. "Of course, what was I saying."
Takato too similarly reciprocated by clumsily parting Shinji's own hair. In an innocent expression only a child could muster, the boy leaned into his face and grinned, chuckling to a joke Shinji wasn't privy too.
"Niinii not alone too." Takato said, his palms resting by each end of Shinji's forehead. "Takato get big. Then Takato and niinii can go school together."
"Takato." Shinji looked him in the eyes, the boy's beaming face a stark contrast to his own stoic gaze. "...you can't get big if you don't eat your bellpepper."
At once, Takato grimaced, disgust and horror taking over his feature. Interestingly, the boy nodded in resolution, if shaky, and looked at him with a gulp.
"Takato eat bellpepper. Even if Takato don't like."
While Shinji kept his frown to himself, the boy kept his promise at dinner, whimpering but never once giving in as he ate each and every piece of his bellpepper.
Shinji was aware of the Matsuda couple's eyes on him when he offered the boy his own pieces of sausages.
"It'll taste better."
A smile pulled on Takato's lips and he perhaps too eagerly ate his bellpepper with the sausages, enough to stuff his small mouth full.
"Takato, remember what we talked about eating too fast?" Yoshie-san chided though there was a motherly softness in her voice that was mirrored in her face when she looked at Shinji. Takehiro-san gave him much the same look, mouthing "thanks" on his lips.
Shinji avoided their gaze and focused on finishing his bowl of rice.
None of this was real, he reminded himself for the umpteenth time.
«・・・»
When Shinji wasn't burdened with the thought of his short-lived happiness, he spent his time enjoying the most of it playing with the boy he'd come to think as a little brother.
To think even his broken mind could come up with such a precious creature.
"Niinii, carry me?"
"Niinii, pillow fight!"
"Niinii? Hugs?"
Takato's incessant demands came without any pause, and Shinji heeded each one of them with a hidden smile.
Today, Takato wanted to try a new game he saw some kid and their sibling did outside the bakery. In exchange, the boy promised he'd eat Shinji's portion of bellpepper for one meal. Then half a meal. Then several pieces. The boy had a long way to go to become a negotiator, but Shinji supposed he could cut the boy some slack.
"Left! Right! Left! Right!" Takato geedily commanded while he stood on Shinji's feet as they moved around the room.
Shinji made sure to hold him lest he faceplanted on the carpet. Illusion or not, he wasn't irresponsible enough to let the kid get hurt on his watch.
"Niinii, window!" The boy pointed at the opened window overlooking the bakery's alley. Shinji heeded his command and walked the boy there. "Up! Up!"
With some struggle, he managed to lift the boy's upper body over the windowsill. Takato grinned, glancing over his shoulder.
"Niinii, sit outside?"
With the way the bakery was built, the roof was situated right under the window with a wide space enough to fit two children and then some.
They leaned against the wall, watching people pass by on the main street.
Shinji shifted his gaze to the sky where grey clouds clumped together in random shapes. He smiled.
"Takato. Thank you."
"You welcome!" The boy replied with not an ounce of understanding of the significance.
Shinji left the sky to gaze down at the boy. Takato's beaming smile was bright, enough to make him wrap his arms around the boy and pull him into a hug.
"I wish you were real."
"Niinii?"
Shinji rested his head on Takato's shoulder, his half-lidded eyes turned towards the ever-busy main street.
"I wish I didn't have to dream you. I was lonely. And when things started looking up, they got worse again, and everything after that only got even worse. I hate myself, I hate everything about my life... but I don't have anything to hate here, because nothing is real. It feels nice." He chuckled.
Shinji didn't let go of the hug for a long time. But Takato never complained and only stayed in his arms in silence that was broken at the first touch of raindrops.
Before they knew it, barrages of water pelted at them from above. On a faraway place, lightning flashed followed by a deafening thunder that had Takato holding him tighter.
Shinji let his eyes wander the sky again. Rain wasn't commonplace due to the Second Impact. But here, there was nothing more beautiful and comforting.
"Niinii, scared..." the boy's voice shaky reminded him that he wasn't alone and that they needed to get inside lest they got chided by the adults.
"Come on."
Shinji helped Takato up. But the boy scrambling to get over the windowsill had an unintended consequence when they were standing on the roof under heavy rain.
"H-hey, it's okay. The thunder won't hit—" While Takato hurried to get to the other side, his kicking legs pushed Shinji just enough for his feet to slip, sending him falling backwards so fast he didn't have time respond.
For an illusion, the falling motion was rather realistic, including the debilitating pain that struck his head upon his landing.
A familiar voice whispered into his ears.
"What makes you think this is an illusion?"
Kaworu—
«・・・»
"How disgusting," Asuka's monotonous voice broke the silence.
Shinji— The other Shinji— heaved atop her, drying out his tears while the world around them were reduced to a wasteland in the aftermath of the Third Impact.
Shinji himself— The one regressed to nothing more than a naked child— only watched quietly.
"Do you remember now?" Kaworu's ever gentle voice reverbrated in the air.
"I... ended the world," Shinji turned away from the scene to glance over his shoulder, but where Kaworu's voice originated only Rei's similarly bare form stood.
"You rejected it," she said before her form shifted into that of Asuka who only frowned in his direction.
"The Matsudas, Takato... They're all real, aren't they?" Shinji looked down at the ground where a pair of toddler feet joined his. He turned away, unable to look at the boy without shame building inside him.
Where Asuka stood, Kaworu appeared. "You wished for a world where you Lilims are free from the Children of Adam," his and Takato's voice reverbrated in harmony.
"And in return," Rei said simultaneously as an unfamiliar brown-haired girl took Takato's place, their voice merging into one. "This place is no more."
Another girl, red-haired, replaced the previous girl and barely acknowledged him as Asuka once again looked quietly from a distance.
«・・・»
"Niinii?" Takato called to him when he fluttered his eyes open, a Takato who was so real that Shinji didn't dare to look in the eye in fear of the boy's disgust at what he'd commited.
Shinji turned away on the bed, aware of the bandage wrapped around his head and the overbearingly sterilized smell inside the room.
Takehiro-san's calm voice stood in stark contrast to the puffy eyes he sported.
"Shinji-kun, we were so worrie—"
Shinji pulled his blanket over his body before the man could touch him. Yoshie-san was more concerned, sounding like she could break then and there.
"Shinji-kun?"
Instead of replying, he took comfort in the relative darkness under his eyelids. The Matsudas were patient, waiting until he opened his eyes again to hear him talk.
"...Why did you save me?"
In a perfect world he'd imagined, he would be unconditionaly loved. But this was not a perfect world, it was but another reality he had to contend with.
"Of course we saved you, you were hurt." Takehiro-san shared a worried glance with his wife.
The ceiling light burnt bright in Shinji's vision with only his unkempt hair to shield him from it.
"What about that time you found me in the rain? You could have left me alone, so why did you take me in? What do you gain from that?"
What use was the show of kindness to a person who deserved none of it?
Takato watched in confusion in his seat, unable to put a word in when his mom too started chiming in.
"Shinji-kun, we care about you." The woman looked at him with such a motherly gaze he was ashamed to have indulged in all this time. "We don't know much about you, but that doesn't mean we can't worry when you're hurt."
Shinji clenched his fists.
"...leave me alone," he said and buried himself under his blanket, wanting to disappear under the undeserving kind gaze they threw his way.
When the light was switched off and he was alone in his own-made prison, Shinji lowered his blanket to stare into the neverending darkness clouding his vision.
"I'm the worst."
