I knew what would happen today, but in the end, I couldn't say that I had handled it properly.
I had always given my all, sparing no effort to do what I could. I didn't compromise when it came to what needed to be done. I knew that hard work would lead to success, and I had confidence in my ability to achieve it.
So, even this time, I thought I had done everything I could. I had conveyed all the feelings I needed to express and made clear all the things I deeply desired from the bottom of my heart.
However, it wasn't my usual approach. Normally, I work slowly and meticulously, step by step, after thorough preparation. But this time, everything was done in one go, putting everything into one shot.
I had no room to breathe. There was no time.
I lacked the confidence to achieve it, and I didn't have a way to make it happen. That's why I struggled. It was a desperate last resort, something I normally would never do. It wasn't like my usual efforts toward what needed to be done. But still, without a doubt, it was my true, honest feelings.
In the end, Sakuta, when he makes up his mind, doesn't listen to anyone else, no matter what they say. That was what troubled me the most. Yet, I couldn't completely deny it either because it had once saved the old me. That's why I came to like him.
As long as I loved him, I couldn't reject that part of Sakuta entirely. It was impossible to negate the way he is, the very reason I fell in love with him.
I began to think that maybe I couldn't stop Sakuta.
I felt that way.
I had always made him listen to me. I always made him act according to what I thought. From small matters to trivial things, I was always the one in control. It had been that way from the beginning, simply because I was older.
That's how it started, and that's how it continued.
But when he had his eyes on what needed to be done, he wouldn't even listen to my requests. Even though I'm his girlfriend, he runs off on his own, ignoring me. There was nothing I could do about it.
He must value me, I know that. He cares about me, which is why he tries to protect me. But in doing so, he ends up shouldering everything alone, to avoid burdening me. The more he cares about me, the more I'm left behind, alone.
We can't share the hardship together, and that made me unbearably frustrated and sad.
But this time, I really needed him to listen to me. If not, everything would fall apart. Everything would be lost, and I was helpless.
I had no choice but to wait for him.
The options were too extreme. Either the person I was waiting for would arrive, or the phone would ring. The former would mean the best outcome for me, but the latter would mean the worst. The boundary between heaven and hell was right here.
Honestly, "heaven" wasn't the right word. I didn't want anything as extravagant as that. I just wanted things to continue as they were, that's all. As long as it wasn't hell, that was enough. That was my desperate cry from the depths of my heart.
That was my only true wish.
Snow was falling around me. I knew from the morning that it would snow today, so I had dressed warmly, but still, everything was cold. It was much colder than the snowy day I had experienced recently.
It was Christmas Eve, so there were many people walking around. Whether I looked straight ahead, to the right, or to the left, people were constantly passing by. I even wondered if the crowd would ever stop. Yet, despite all the people, the one I was waiting for was nowhere to be found.
Moreover, the crowd didn't seem to warm the surroundings at all. It wasn't even noisy. When I closed my eyes, I felt a deep loneliness, as if I were the only person left in the world.
Letting my body get cold wasn't good. It made me think bad thoughts. I couldn't afford to lose my composure now.
I stared at my phone, checking the time and waiting for any message or call. Even though I knew the person I was waiting for didn't have a phone, and no urgent message would come, I kept checking. If a message did arrive, it would mean something.
Today, we were supposed to go on a date to the aquarium. We were supposed to meet at 6 PM. But he wasn't coming. In fact, it seemed like he was going to tell me that he was going to leave me. He planned to die to save a sick girl.
I hadn't allowed it. I had told him to choose a future with me. I had told him to meet me here. I had made it clear.
That's why he was supposed to come here today.
He had to come.
Because I told him to. I hadn't allowed anything else.
So, I waited here.
Even though I had come here straight after work, as I had told him beforehand, the promised time had already passed.
I found a taxi and got in. I told the driver the destination. My words came out so forcefully that I startled the driver. The inside of the taxi was warm, but my hands were trembling. I rubbed them together, telling myself it was because of the cold. My fingertips tingled, as did my face. It felt like my head was pounding in rhythm with my heart. Was this really my heart beating? It felt as if I couldn't even tell where my heart was, as if something huge was beating inside me, hitting me over and over again. My chest, my head, it felt like I was being punched repeatedly.
Even though I was just sitting there, my breathing became ragged. My body kept reminding me that I was alive, but I didn't feel alive at all. I rubbed my trembling hands together frantically. Every time the car stopped at a red light, it became harder to breathe. The snow continued to fall. Looking at the snow piling up outside the window, I felt something dark piling up inside my heart. Eventually, I couldn't bear to look at the people walking anymore.
But when I closed my eyes, the pounding in my chest became even more intense.
When the car finally got stuck in traffic, I reached my breaking point. Before I realized it, I had paid the fare displayed on the meter and jumped out of the car. I couldn't just sit there waiting any longer. I had to go myself.
I had to see Sakuta as soon as possible.
There's no way I wouldn't see him again.
There's no way Sakuta would leave me behind.
I wouldn't allow it.
I had to confirm for myself. No, to be more precise, I had to search for anything that was different from what I had been told. I had been informed ahead of time. Shoko had told me that Sakuta would get into a traffic accident at 6 PM, and I had told her I didn't want that to happen.
Maybe something was different.
Maybe Sakuta was still alive.
Maybe he had miraculously survived.
Maybe. Maybe.
That was the only reason I kept moving my legs. I ran, forgetting even to breathe, thinking only of moving forward. In one moment, I looked at the width of the road. In the next, I assessed how many people were in front of me. Then, I considered how to weave my way through the crowd as quickly as possible. I looked at whatever was in front of me. I saw what was right before my eyes. I bumped into people, but I didn't even stop to apologize—I kept running. I slipped and fell. Of course, it was a snowy road; the ground was slippery. That was obvious. So, I assumed I would fall and prepared to get up immediately after. I couldn't waste time getting up. I had to keep going. I didn't want to think about anything else. I only wanted to move forward.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about Sakuta.
Running and thinking about Sakuta became one and the same.
I couldn't think about anything else.
I didn't even have shoes suitable for running, but that didn't matter. I didn't care about such trivial things. I didn't know how many times I had fallen. I didn't know what condition my body was in anymore. I hit my body when I fell, bruised my arms, maybe twisted my leg. Perhaps I was even bleeding somewhere. My clothes were soaked with snow from falling so many times, my coat and shoes completely wet. I might catch a cold. But none of that mattered to me now.
All I did was run.
When the phone rang, I realized Sakuta wouldn't be coming, and that I had to go to him. The voice on the other end of the call was familiar. It was Kaede.
"Mai-san! Where are you right now? Have you seen my brother?!"
Her voice was frantic and trembling.
The snow in front of me seemed to freeze in midair, and time felt like it had stopped. My mind went blank. I couldn't even remember what I had been thinking just moments ago. My head was completely empty.
What was I doing here?
Why was I standing here?
I couldn't think. I couldn't respond.
"Mai-san!"
Kaede's voice was calling out to me from the phone, seeking an answer.
"I don't know… Sakuta didn't come. He said we'd meet, but he didn't come. He didn't come…"
Before I realized it, my mouth was moving on its own. I didn't even know what I was saying. These words just slipped out of my mouth.
"You haven't seen my brother?"
"I've been waiting for him this whole time, but he didn't come. Kaede-chan, please tell me what happened to Sakuta."
"I just got a call from the hospital… My brother… he was hit by a car…"
I could hear Kaede break down into sobs over the phone.
"…I knew it."
I had known. The moment the phone rang, I had known. But even so, I couldn't accept it. I didn't want to accept it.
There was no way I could accept that Sakuta had left me behind.
"Thank you, Kaede-chan… Sakuta is at the hospital, right? I'll head there immediately."
I said this as I hung up the phone and started running again.
The light above the operating room was still on. I stood there, unable to catch my breath. My entire body was numb. I couldn't feel hot or cold or anything at all. I had reached my destination, but I still hadn't met the person I wanted to see.
However, since this was where the hospital had directed me, I was certain I was in the right place, waiting outside the operating room. There were chairs nearby, but I couldn't bring myself to sit down. I couldn't calm down. This was no time to be calm.
When I took out my phone to check the time, I noticed the screen was badly cracked. I must have dropped it several times while running or when I fell. I couldn't remember. My mind wasn't functioning properly.
I heard footsteps, and a man appeared in the waiting area. He glanced at me, struggling to catch my breath, then nodded slightly without saying a word before sitting down in one of the chairs. He clasped his hands together as if in prayer, his eyes fixed on the floor with a look of resignation.
I recognized him. I had met him before. He was Sakuta's father.
Kaede wasn't with him. Perhaps he had come ahead to check on the situation.
"Please, have a seat."
His face was filled with resignation as he spoke.
"I… I'm soaked."
"Even so, please sit down. You look pale. You're about to collapse."
He was right. I hadn't even noticed that I had been swaying from side to side, struggling to stay upright. I was so exhausted that just standing was a challenge.
"Thank you… for your concern."
I thanked him and sat down lightly in one of the chairs.
"Thank you for coming."
"Kaede-chan called me…"
"I apologize for earlier. Kaede was panicked. You must have been shocked by the sudden call."
"No, it's perfectly understandable…"
That was the end of our conversation. There was nothing more to say. I alternated between staring at my cracked phone and the light above the operating room.
Soon, the door to the operating room opened, and a nurse came out.
"Is the family of Azusagawa Sakuta here?"
"I am. I'm his father."
"Please wait here; the doctor will speak with you shortly."
With that, the nurse returned to the operating room, and a short while later, the doctor emerged. The doctor approached Sakuta's father, who stood up to face him. I, too, stood up unconsciously.
This moment was my last shred of hope.
"We did everything we could, but I'm afraid there is no chance of recovery."
The doctor's words drained the blood from my entire body. Everything went white before my eyes.
I had prayed for this not to happen. I had hoped it wouldn't.
I had been told this would happen. It was exactly what had been foretold, what I had expected.
And at the same time, it was the worst outcome for me.
"No… This can't be…"
This was not the ending I wanted. This was the one thing I could never accept.
"Sakuta… this… why? Why…?"
Words fell from my lips like the hollow shell of a person.
"I asked you to choose me and our future… why…?"
All the strength drained from my body. I could no longer stand, and I collapsed to my knees.
"Is there nothing that can be done…?"
Sakuta's father had remained silent for a while, but he finally spoke, his voice trembling with desperation.
"The head trauma was severe. Even if he were to miraculously survive, he would never wake up. However, to be honest, it is unlikely he will survive even that long."
Sakuta's father stared at the doctor, then slowly lowered his gaze to the floor. "I see…" he whispered softly.
I was frozen, unable to move. My body and my heart felt as though they had turned to iron, solid and immobile. I couldn't even move a finger. My body was cold. My heart, my mind, everything felt frozen.
I forgot to blink as I stared at the doctor. But I couldn't see anything anymore.
None of the dreadful predictions I had feared were proven wrong.
It was all confirmed.
There was no escape, no way out.
A
nurse came over, handing us some items. "These are your son's belongings."
Among them was Sakuta's scarf. It was torn and frayed, battered beyond repair. Just looking at it made my heart ache with the impact of the accident. The scarf was blackened in places, likely from rubbing against something rough. And half of it was stained with blood, dark red and ugly, a far cry from its original color.
His wallet was there, too, with a green card peeking out from inside.
I didn't want to see this.
I didn't want to see any of it.
But I realized that this was why I had come here.
I was the only one who knew that Sakuta carried an organ donor card. He had chosen death for this purpose. But I had never agreed to this.
I didn't want to give Sakuta to anyone. I didn't want him to go anywhere.
A surge of dark emotions welled up inside me, directed at the card, at the situation, at Sakuta, and at the girl. But I knew that if I didn't speak up, Sakuta's death would be in vain. And that would be the worst possible outcome.
So I opened his wallet and took out the donor card.
Standing in front of Sakuta, lying still, I wanted to scream.
Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision. Everything I had been holding inside, everything I had thought and endured, it all crumbled when I saw Sakuta.
Reality was catching up to me.
He was dead.
This wasn't just information anymore.
"Big brother…! Big brother…! Ugh… waaaaahhh…!"
Kaede's voice echoed through the room as she cried out, and her father gently hugged her, patting her head.
"Sakuta…"
Before I knew it, I was walking. I walked closer to Sakuta's face. He was the person I loved most. I placed my hand on his cheek and gently stroked it.
"Sakuta… hey, Sakuta…"
Clinging to some faint hope, I pinched his cheek.
But there was no reaction.
"Say something… please… Sakuta…"
He would never again say anything that would make me smile, or make him smile.
Because Sakuta was dead.
"Wake up, please…."
Part of me wanted to believe he was just sleeping. How wonderful that would have been.
But I knew better. There was no waking up.
"Sakuta… I don't want this. I never wanted this… I don't want this at all. Why…?"
I gave up wiping my tears because they just kept flowing.
"Sakuta… Sakuta…"
His name tumbled from my lips, mixed with sobs and nausea.
"Sakuta… please… look at me…"
Even though I was face to face with his death, I still couldn't accept it.
"Sakuta… Sakuta!"
I held his hand, gripping it tightly with both of mine, and cried out in agony.
"No…! Why?! You knew this would happen! So why did you go, you idiot?!"
His hand didn't grip mine in return.
Thinking back, Sakuta rarely initiated hand-holding. He was always so considerate, always letting me take the lead. Realizing this only made the pain worse.
Sakuta hadn't chosen a future with me.
He had left me behind.
He had chosen Shoko's future and left.
"You idiot, Sakuta! What am I supposed to do now?!"
I didn't even get to hear a proper goodbye!
We hadn't even officially broken up!
And now, just like that, you're gone!
All I wanted was for you to stay alive!
All I needed was you, Sakuta! That was all I ever wanted!
I didn't need anything else! Just you!
Tears poured down, endlessly.
"No… not this, not like this! I hate this… I hate it so much…"
I hated it. I screamed for it to be a lie.
But right in front of me was his lifeless body.
"Sakuta, don't leave me behind… Sakuta! Sakuta!"
I had tried my best. I didn't know what to do, but I tried.
I had worked so hard. I had told him everything.
So please, let this be a lie.
"Please… stay with me… huff… Sakuta… Sakuta…"
Sakuta had once told me he loved me.
He had saved me—me, who had been alone, lost, without direction, having lost myself.
He had always looked at me, even when I had lost everything.
He had found everything I had lost.
Sakuta had saved all of me.
So I had to return the favor.
But… was I unable to save him?
Wasn't Sakuta my savior?
No, this is ridiculous.
It's absurd.
I should have saved him with everything I had, just as he saved me.
Why… why didn't I…?
Why did it come to this?
I had made up my mind to live in this world, to face the world head-on.
To live for Sakuta.
I had been reborn for that purpose.
For Sakuta.
"Ugh… ugh… Sakuta… Sakutaaaaa!"
But why… why did it end this way?
The funeral was mostly a family affair, but I was asked to attend as well. When Sakuta's father asked me, "Will you come for him?" I had simply answered "Yes." I didn't have much will behind the decision—it was just something I ended up doing. But honestly, I didn't want to attend.
Sakuta's funeral… I didn't want to be part of it.
Still, it seemed there was no avoiding it anymore. I took out my phone, the screen still cracked, to call my manager. There were multiple missed calls from Nodoka. She was probably worried since I hadn't contacted her and was late coming home.
I hadn't even noticed.
It didn't concern me.
I can't remember exactly what I said to Nodoka over the phone. But I remember her saying she'd come right away.
My manager told me that she would rearrange my schedule and give me the next two days off. It seemed like the right thing to do, but there was no way I could properly say goodbye.
I couldn't. It wasn't possible.
There was no way I could move on without Sakuta.
I hadn't thought about how to continue living after losing him, and I still couldn't think about it. It was impossible.
Nodoka arrived by taxi and sat next to me. "Can you go home?" she asked gently.
I nodded silently.
She helped me stand up, letting me lean on her shoulder. My whole body ached from earlier—my joints felt rusty, and moving was painful.
Sakuta's father offered to drive me home, and I accepted.
The snow was still falling. The streets that had been lively earlier were now quiet, with fewer people out. The air was painfully cold, much colder than in the evening.
Nodoka placed her hand on my trembling one. She was crying too, though she tried to hide it, tears pooling in her eyes as she looked at me with concern.
I couldn't bear to look at her, so I averted my eyes.
My hands kept trembling.
After Sakuta's father's car drove away, I found myself standing in front of the house.
"Sis, let's take a bath," Nodoka said softly.
My clothes were still damp, and my body felt cold down to the core. But I didn't have the energy to move. I couldn't think of anything, and I stayed silent.
"Sis, come on. You'll get sick if you don't warm up."
"It doesn't matter…"
I didn't even have the strength to take off my shoes.
"It does matter. You can't get sick right now."
"…Fine. Just give me a minute. I'll take a bath."
I didn't really have the will to do it, but I didn't want to trouble Nodoka. She was clearly worried about me. Nodoka probably cared about me, just as I had once cared for Sakuta.
Caring about someone precious meant you couldn't afford to lose them.
The bathtub was already filled with hot water. Nodoka must have prepared it before coming to get me. Forcing my aching body to move, I undressed.
Before I realized it, tears were flowing again. It felt like I had become a broken faucet.
I couldn't think of anything. I was completely empty inside.
I had no will left.
After I got out of the bath, I heard quiet sobbing coming from the other room. It was Nodoka, crying alone.
Why had it come to this?
That thought was the only thing on my mind, endlessly repeating.
I had lost something that could never be replaced. Something far too precious.
And now it was too late for everything.
The wake and the funeral passed in a blur. Before I knew it, it was over. Now, sitting in front of me were Sakuta's bones. He had become bones. My head was fuzzy, probably because I hadn't slept much. I knew I needed to eat, but I had no appetite.
There was still food in the refrigerator that I had bought before Christmas. I hated it.
I had bought it to eat with Sakuta, and now that he was gone, I couldn't bring myself to touch it.
Sakuta had died, and yet I had to keep living. The idea of doing things just to survive made me sick.
I used the chopsticks to pick up Sakuta's bones and handed them to Kaede. She carefully placed them in the urn
, her hands trembling. We continued in silence until the task was done.
Some of Sakuta's friends were there, but I didn't talk to them. I had never really spoken much with Sakuta's friends.
A few people asked how I was holding up, but all I could say was, "Don't worry about me."
I was alone the whole time.
I didn't cry. Maybe my tears had dried up.
After the ceremony, I went to Sakuta's home. The monk had finished his prayers and left.
There were no traces left of Shoko, who had been staying there recently. Everything was clean and orderly.
I stared blankly at the altar.
The portrait of Sakuta wasn't smiling. Had they not been able to find a picture of him smiling? As always, his expression was dull, a little sloppy.
I loved that face.
I wondered if I had any photos of Sakuta on my phone. But now wasn't the time to look through them.
I overheard Sakuta's relatives talking at the dining table. They were discussing how they would clear out the house after the 49 days of mourning.
Kaede would probably return to their old home. Living here alone wouldn't be possible for her. The place was filled with too many memories.
The guests, other than Sakuta's immediate family, had already left. Kaede had shut herself in her room.
As Futaba was leaving, she asked, "Are you okay?"
I couldn't respond.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I know it's a strange thing to ask. But, Mai-senpai, you look like you're about to die. If you ever need to talk, I'm usually in the physics lab. All I can offer is coffee, but…."
I gave a vague response, something like, "If I feel like it…"
But I knew I probably wouldn't go. She seemed to understand, replying, "I see," before leaving.
"Sis, are you still going to stay here?" Nodoka asked. She looked exhausted.
Everything had happened so quickly, and I could tell she was worn out.
"Yes."
I had no intention of going back just yet, so I answered her that way.
"…Okay."
"Go back to Mom's place, Nodoka."
"…Why are you saying that now?"
"Because I think staying with me right now is hard for you."
"But what about you?"
"I've always been alone. I'll be fine."
"You shouldn't be alone in this state."
"Nodoka, you know how much Mom cares about you, right? You care about her, too, don't you? If you can stay with someone important, then you should."
"But you're important to me, too, Sis."
"I don't think you staying here will help either of us."
"…Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry. I couldn't do anything for you, and I still can't. But I'll think about it."
Nodoka looked sad as she left. I knew my words had hurt her. She had a pained expression on her face, but despite feeling sorry, I still wanted to be alone.
I realized that part of Nodoka's exhaustion came from being around me in this state. She probably didn't know what to say to me, which must have been hard for her.
I didn't need anyone to say anything to me. There were no words that could help. Trying to come up with them must have been exhausting for her.
So this was for the best.
After Nodoka left, I sat in front of Sakuta's portrait again.
I hadn't realized how overpowering the scent of incense could be until I sat there for so long.
When the candles burned out, I decided it was time for me to leave as well. I didn't want to be a burden any longer.
But even though I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, I wasn't ready to go home yet.
I would usually invite Sakuta on a date by now, my thoughts wandering back to him no matter how hard I tried not to. I realized it was futile to resist the memories, so I decided to stop fighting them.
I couldn't escape from this world or this version of myself.
On my way out, I glanced at the room that caught my attention.
It was Sakuta's room.
Before I knew it, I was opening the door, wanting to enter again.
This was the room where Sakuta and I had spent time together. I had tutored him here countless times.
Recently, this had been the room where I slept while Shoko stayed over.
But now that the house was going to be cleared out after the mourning period, I realized I was about to lose another piece of our shared history.
I hated it.
It felt like every trace of Sakuta was being erased, as if everything that reminded me of him was vanishing along with him.
But I hadn't been able to sort out my own feelings yet.
Time kept moving forward, leaving me behind.
I picked up a notebook from his desk and opened it, wanting to see his handwriting.
"May 6th. I met a wild bunny girl."
It wasn't a study notebook.
It was something else.
It wasn't even a diary.
I never knew Sakuta kept a diary. He didn't seem like the type.
But as I read, I realized it wasn't a diary. It was more like a memo Sakuta had written to himself during the time he was trying to save me from my Adolescence Syndrome.
It started from the day we first met, filled with everything we had gone through together.
He had written about how much he loved me, too.
Every day, he wrote about his feelings for me.
"What is this…?"
It was like a confession.
Sakuta had told me he loved me many times before. He had said it every day at one point.
I even ignored him sometimes because I heard it so often.
I want to go back to those days.
I want to hear him say it again.
But now, I would never hear him say it again.
And just when I thought I would never hear it again, I found this new confession, and I missed him more and more.
"…What is this…?"
The notebook was getting wet.
It was soaked by the tears that kept spilling from my eyes.
How many times would I cry?
"Why did you have to die…?"
What did you mean by not involving me, Sakuta?
You didn't care at all about the people left behind, did you?
You were so caught up in what was in front of you, always giving your all.
That was just like you, Sakuta.
You idiot. You idiot, Sakuta.
"I loved you so much…"
I wondered how many times I had actually told Sakuta that I loved him.
Had I told him enough?
I should have said it every day.
I should have told him over and over again.
"I… I can't take it anymore…"
This feeling was unbearable.
I loved Sakuta so much. I couldn't forget him. I couldn't give up on him.
If he wasn't here anymore, then I wanted to be freed from this pain.
Please forgive me.
Please help me.
"It hurts so much… I can't take it anymore. Sakuta… Sakuta…"
The letters in the notebook began to blur.
"Sakuta, Sakuta… Sakuta…"
Each time I said his name, it felt comforting, but at the same time, the loneliness deepened.
I hadn't realized that I had fallen asleep in Sakuta's room until I noticed that the pillow was wet not from tears but from drool. I must have been extremely tired because I had slept deeply.
The familiar scent of Sakuta filled the air around me, comforting me.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, embarrassed by my own behavior. Normally, I would never have done something like this.
The room was already dark.
It was 6 PM. The winter evening was pitch black.
I usually couldn't sleep at home, but in Sakuta's bed, I had slept soundly.
When I walked into the living room, I found Sakuta's father still there.
No one else remained.
"I'm sorry… I fell asleep."
"No need to apologize. Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, very well… Um, were you waiting for me?"
"Yes. But it's really no problem. Mai-san, you looked like you were suffering a great deal. Please, take any chance to rest when you can."
"Thank you…"
"Thank you for coming. Sakuta would have been happy."
"No… Thank you for inviting me."
I thought to myself, "There's no way he'd be happy," but I didn't say it out loud.
When I returned home, Nodoka was sitting in the living room.
Her suitcase was by her side. She had finished packing.
"You're back, Sis."
"I'm home."
"You were gone a long time."
"I fell asleep without realizing it."
"…I see. If you slept, that's good."
"Were you waiting for me?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. You don't need to apologize."
"You're all packed."
"Yeah… Hey, Sis. Are you sure about this?"
"Yes."
"Are you really okay?"
"I'm not okay."
"…I don't think I can leave knowing that."
"You don't have to worry. I won't die. Tomorrow will come, and the day after that, I'll still be alive."
"…Okay. If anything happens, call me right away. I may not be able to do much, but I want to help you in any way I can."
Hearing her say that reminded me of how much I had wanted to help Sakuta but hadn't been able to in the end.
It's true. When someone
you love is suffering, you want to help. It's unbearable not to be able to.
"I'm sorry, Nodoka. If I ever need you, I'll call. When that happens, please come right away."
Her face brightened a little when I said that.
Maybe it was my imagination. It seemed ridiculous to think that my words could comfort anyone.
But if they made things a little easier for Nodoka, then that was enough.
Even if it was selfish of me, that was the best I could do for her right now.
And it was the truth, so I could say it.
"I understand. I'll go now. But remember, even if you don't need anything, call me anytime."
Nodoka handed me her spare key and left.
I sat in the quiet house, sipping coffee I had suddenly felt the urge to drink.
The house had become so quiet again.
Sakuta was gone, and now I had pushed Nodoka away, too.
I was alone once more.
I had always been alone.
From a young age, I had been working, so I never had much time to go to school.
My schedule was always packed, and I could only attend school when I had a break in my work. A child who can only attend school sporadically is bound to end up isolated.
That's just how it is.
Things didn't change when I became a high school student.
I was always the outsider. Not hated, not bullied, just… distant.
But I didn't feel sorry for myself. That was just the way things were, and I didn't have any desire to change it.
It was fine that way.
I only looked at myself—what I liked, what I wanted, what I wanted to do.
Since I couldn't go to school regularly, I studied alone for the future. I memorized the things I needed to for work.
When my mother was away for work, I taught myself to cook.
Sometimes, I carefully observed people to learn how to navigate the world. It was a survival skill. And because of it, I could handle social interactions just fine when the situation called for it, even though it was just a temporary fix for the job at hand. It was enough for work.
I never focused on any one person. I always looked at people in general. But even that was ultimately for my own sake. I was only observing them to figure out how to survive better.
That's how it had always been. And I thought it would stay that way.
But everything had changed without me even realizing it.
I took a break from my career, then met Sakuta, and thanks to him, I resumed it.
I thought that was all.
But it was something completely different.
My work now wasn't just for myself anymore.
The center of my world was no longer me.
I was living for Sakuta, for my time spent with him.
Looking back, my days had been full of noise ever since I met Sakuta.
After resuming my career, I was no longer the Mai who only thought about herself.
Every decision, every action I took—Sakuta was always in my thoughts.
I constantly wondered what to talk to him about next. I would call him during breaks from work.
I thought about how I could help Kaede get used to going outside again, considering her future and how I could support her so Sakuta wouldn't have to shoulder it all on his own.
I planned my meals every day, not just for myself but for Sakuta's lunches, too. After Nodoka came to live with us, I considered her needs as well, making sure to plan meals that would keep her healthy.
While studying for university entrance exams, I also thought about Sakuta's exams and how he could improve his grades.
Since he couldn't concentrate with me around, I gave him assignments to work on alone, thinking carefully about what to give him and in what order.
Meanwhile, Sakuta was busy saving people with Adolescence Syndrome, dedicating himself to their problems.
I loved that about him, too.
But while I was always thinking about him, he was often thinking about other people, and that didn't feel great.
That's what I remembered.
Now, almost all of that had disappeared at once.
All I had left to worry about was my job, my meals, and my exams.
Now that Sakuta was gone, work didn't seem to matter anymore.
This was a job I had always wanted to do.
But now, I wanted Sakuta more than anything.
Without him, none of it mattered.
Work had only been possible because of Sakuta. It was one of the things he had left behind for me.
But that's all it was now.
Why had I fallen so deeply in love with him that I lost my sense of self?
If I hadn't loved him so much, I could have remained the Mai I used to be.
But he made me fall so deeply, and then he left me.
Is it my fault for loving him too much?
Are you saying it's my fault?
All I did was love Sakuta.
I didn't do anything wrong.
So why do I have to suffer like this?
If I had known it would come to this, I would rather have died than have Sakuta leave me behind.
What is the value of life, anyway?
Sakuta sacrificed his life to save Shoko.
But if that meant he lost his own life, what was the weight of Sakuta's life?
Is it okay for one person's life to be lost just to save another?
Can we really say this is the right outcome?
If that's the case, then it would have been fine for me to die, too.
I may have returned to being alone, but I wasn't able to go back to being truly alone.
I couldn't.
I hated everything—my current situation, myself, everything.
Because I hadn't added sugar, the coffee in my mug remained almost untouched.
For a moment, I thought about asking to stay in Sakuta's room for the 49 days before the house was cleared out. But the thought of living in my dead boyfriend's home made me stop.
It was already night.
Tomorrow, work would start again.
No matter how I felt, I had to keep living tomorrow, too.
I sighed, thinking about making dinner since I had nothing else to do and I would probably have trouble sleeping again tonight.
