Thanks everyone for being so invested in this story so far!
This next chapter is a flash back of Olivia and Elliot's relationship as it comes to a close - please remember this is just fiction.
The flash back hasn't finished entirely, there's still a little more to this story as it will unravel.
Let me know what you think :)
If you see any mistakes no you didn't. Its late and I couldnt be assed proofing tbh.
(Two and a half years earlier)
Olivia couldn't put her finger on the feeling, but there was something less than comfortable in the air since Amanda had taken a very noticeable step back from their friendship. It saddened her, but she understood that her feelings were hurt and that Amanda would need time to cool off and come round — at least that's what Sonny kept promising.
She didn't tell Amanda private details to alienate her or to turn her against Elliot, she'd told her because she simply needed to vent - she didn't need advice, she just needed a listening ear. Amanda was frustrated for her, she knew it came from a good place — she felt that Olivia was losing part of herself for a man that she believed was too selfish to deserve her.
It soured things, it made Olivia less than forthcoming and feeling almost embarrassed to tell her when they moved in together - it made her feel ashamed to tell her that they were discussing trying for a baby.
She pined for her friend and each time she discussed it with Sonny, he seemed less and less convincing that Amanda would want to be anything other than a workmate.
And then there was how things were going with Elliot, she really could have used a friend.
"How was school, guys?" Olivia asked her son as he was dropped off by the nanny with Elliot's youngest son right behind him. It was a friday night, Elliot's night with 14 year old Eli.
"Goooood, Mom!" Her 11 year old son smiled at her, making his way to her to give her a big hug. He'd missed her and he knew the weekend was theirs together with Elliot and his son. He also knew that Sunday night was family dinner night and and that meant he would get to see the rest of Elliot's family including Kathy, Elliot's first wife who was so sweet and kind to both him and his Mom. "How was your day?"
Olivia grinned, taking him in to her arms and kissing his forehead. She opened her arms to Eli who obliged her briefly. She didn't want to push things with Elliot's son, but she didn't want him to feel like she didn't care for him as one of her own.
"You're quiet, honey," she spoke to Eli when she let go of Noah, "everything okay?"
"Yeah," he replied, "thanks Liv, I'm okay."
"Okay, cos its friday we have a choice - we can do homework now or you can do it tomorrow morning right after breakfast — or before breakfast if you choose to get up that early. If you do it now its out of the way and then we can do something fun before dinner."
"Uhh… Liv, is it okay if I go to my friend's place to kick the football?," he wondered.
Olivia caught Noah's face fall, she knew he had been looking forward to spending time with Eli all week. She wanted to say no, but it wasn't really her place.
"Oh, okay. So you want to do your homework in the morning?," she asked.
"Well no, I'll do my homework with my friend— Mom knows him, his name is Chad."
"Okay, why don't we call Mom and see if she's okay with it…"
"I wanted to hang out with youuu…" Noah frowned, fusing his eyebrows together with disappointment. "Don't you wanna hang out with me? You said last time that we'd watch all the Harry Potter movies again," he reminded him.
"I know but we have all weekend, I really wanna hang out with my friend…"
Olivia felt sad for her son as she moved to the kitchen to call Kathy, letting the kids have their own discussion. Eli got given the permission to go as long as he texted Olivia when he arrived and texted her when he wanted to go and she would either pick him up on the way to dinner or he could come home himself if it was still light outside.
Noah put on a brave face, she could tell. He waved off Eli and fell silent and went to his room to put his things away and get his homework out. Olivia made him a snack of cheese and fruit and put it on the table with a glass of soda— a treat that he didn't always get.
"You okay, honey?" She asked him gently as he sat down. His little face was hot and red, trying his hardest not to cry- the rejection from Elliot's son burned his skin. "Its okay to be upset…"
It was all she needed to say, her son began to cry. She imagined how excited he would have been, bouncing home happily with Eli by his side, chatting away without any idea that Eli had other plans. "Come here…" she swept him up in a cuddle and kissed his forehead. "I'm sorry, I know you were really excited about Eli's weekend here with us, but he's right, sweet heart," she told him as she pushed his curls from his face, "you have the whole weekend…"
"Why doesn't Eli like me enough to want to play with me, Mommy?," he asked softly, wiping his face with the backs of his hands.
"Noah, of course he does like you enough, its just that when you get a little bit older you start to want to do things away from your family — it doesn't mean he doesn't like you or me, it just means he would like some independence…k?"
He nodded slow. She kissed his temple. "Why don't you eat the snack I made for you and then you and I can do something fun. I might not be Eli, but I love hanging out with you, you're the most wonderful person in my life, you know that?"
"Except for Elliot," Noah replied.
"Honey, I love Elliot, you're right… but you will always be the most important person, I promise."
"You're my favourite person, Mom," he admitted.
Olivia gave him a smile and let go of him.
He went and sat down at the table and pulled his books out and began to work on his spelling and reading. "Thanks for my snack Mom," he remembered his manners.
"You're welcome, honey," she smiled at him, going in to the kitchen to text Elliot to see what time he might look like finishing work. They'd had an argument the night before and things felt a little off between them, but Olivia was just going to gloss over it. They were both tired and emotional and argued over a case file at first and then she had to discuss the way he had treated Noah after he had walked in to her room — their room without thinking to knock.
He had raised his voice and pointed at the door and told him to leave, to turn around and to knock before coming back in. He wasn't aggressive, just a little too harsh. Noah had immediately burst in to tears and Elliot rolled his eyes, telling Olivia not to go after him, that he had to toughen up a little.
She ignored him and consoled her son and that was one of the reasons for their argument. She felt as though since moving in, his patience for Noah was wearing thinner and it didn't sit right with her. Everyone in her life knew how important her son was to her, even her ex before Elliot had fallen in love with her son and never treated him as an inconvenience.
What time do you think you'll be home?
She poured herself a soda and began to drink it.
At a crime scene, don't wait up, I'm sorry. Eli okay? He can go back to his Moms if he wants, I probably won't be home much this weekend…
Olivia was instantly annoyed. They'd had plans for the weekend with both boys and he had spent half of the week gassing up Noah's excitement for Eli's stay and now suddenly he didn't want to be around for it and he had no problem sending his son to his mother, disregarding how Noah would have felt.
She felt as though he was trying to punish her for the fight they'd had two nights earlier. Time was healing it, but both of them had made some fairly harsh comments.
You spent the beginning of the week hyping Noah up about Eli visiting, he will be gutted if Eli goes home and even more gutted that we don't go through with our plans to take him and Eli to the virtual reality gaming place and then the paint bomb room thing… you can call and break it to him, I'm really fucking over having to see how hard my kid takes disappointment.
"Mom?" Noah called out.
Olivia put her phone down and went to meet her son in the dining area, she glanced at her little boy expectantly.
"Mom, can you help me with my homework?," he asked, "I don't understand the instructions."
It was something they were working on — helping Noah's dyslexia. Olivia took a seat beside her gorgeous little boy and had him read it to her a few times before clarifying a few things. She knew how to get him back on track.
"Thanks Mommy. What time do you think Eli will be back?," he asked.
"I'm not sure baby," she gave his little hand a squeeze, "we can just do our own thing…if Eli wants to join us that's great and if he doesn't, that's his choice too."
Noah gave his Mom his best smile. He knew she was trying her best to make him feel better, but he got the sense that Eli probably didn't want to hang out with him when he had much cooler friends to hang out with.
Olivia got back up and headed to the kitchen to figure out if she might cook or take the boys out for dinner. She picked up her phone noticing that Elliot had replied.
I'm sorry that your son is disappointed but my kid isn't a fucking circus monkey that exists to entertain him. You'll have to explain that to him because that's not my job. You need to harden him up, we've discussed his, he's too soft, Liv. If it's not one thing its another and you keep indulging it. I've called Kathy, I've let her know I won't be home this weekend, stuck on the case. She will pick up Eli from his friend's house. Have a good weekend - I have enough clothes to last.
Olivia felt her eyes fill with tears as she angrily tapped her response back, since you say my son is my responsibility, keep your opinions about how I parent him to yourself and fuck you for being so selfish. You didn't like our conversations and you walked away. I didn't open my arms to forgive you for being such a jerk and rather than giving me a heart felt apology, you've decided you'll live at the precinct until further notice… I can't honestly believe you were trying to convince me to have a baby with you.
She tossed her phone aside.
/
"Would you stop walking away from me?" Elliot hissed at Olivia.
He finally decided to come home, she thought, must have ran out of clothes. She was tired of Noah's questions about when he was coming back and his fleeting phone calls and messages on his watch, giving no regard for when she needed to talk.
She shrugged him off of her, "Why?," she asked, her brown eyes burning through his giant, icy blue pools, "are you the only one who's allowed to run for it when shit gets hard?"
He took a deep breath, clenching his jaw with irritation. "Olivia," his gruff voice snapped. He grabbed her by the elbow, pulling her back toward him, trying to pull her in to his arms.
She yanked her arm out of his grasp, drawing it close to her chest. "Don't fucking grab me like that. Ever," she retorted. "I'm going to bed."
She left him standing in the middle of the walkway. She went and let herself in to Noah's room where he looked up. He was wearing his headphones; a new habit he had picked up. At first she thought that maybe he could hear her fighting with Elliot, it turned out he just really liked his music. "Honey, its time for bed," she told him, taking the over-ear headphones from his head and hanging them up. "I love you so much, I'll see you in the morning."
"Love you too, Mom. Goodnight."
Olivia gave her son a kiss and turned off his bedside lamp. "Sweet dreams," she told him at the door as she pulled it ajar.
She rolled her shoulders of the tenseness that they felt. She wasn't ready for the apologies — if anything she was sick of them, she was tired of him saying hurtful things and being so willing to quickly take them back and make her feeling like she'd overreacted. Half of the time she wondered if maybe she was overreacting and the only person that she would have been comfortable running her feelings by was no longer talking to her outside of work.
"Are you going to talk to me?" Elliot asked as he watched her move about the room in a silence that emanated internalised grief for what she believed might have been the slow end of their relationship. He seemed to only want to be with her for the good times, for when she listened and followed his advice, for when things were going well with Noah…
Anytime there was a sign of a hiccup, he suddenly became the hardest working detective in all of New York.
"I don't really know what I'm supposed to say," she shrugged as she pulled her bra off from beneath her shirt. There was no way he was getting any kind of intimate right to her in that moment. She got in to bed, gym pants still on. She didn't want him to touch her, not even skin-to-skin contact in the night.
"You could say 'hi, Elliot, nice to see you…'" he prompted her, trying to be funny.
She stared at him from across the room as he got some things ready to have a shower. She knew her look said it all. His small smile developed in to a grimace. "But it's not nice to see you, you've avoided me for an entire fucking week, I feel like I'm living with someone who says all the right things but none of it is backed up with any actual effort and I don't even know what to say about all of that…"
He drew in a deep breath, instantly annoyed and she could feel it and this was the problem, she thought. How could she ever stand up for herself and resolve issues when he wasn't interested in discussing them or coming to an understanding. She used to be scared that he'd leave — she used to think that if she said something, if she didn't forgive him immediately, then he would get up and leave.
And the fear was still there and he did act on it, he might not have run off to Italy for over ten years without a trace, but it was in a way, worse when she knew he was just a cab ride away and didn't care to make contact with her.
"Every time I come home it's something," he muttered.
"Oh bullshit, Elliot, nothing happened, you decided it was too much effort to hang out with your fucking sun and Noah together last weekend so you bailed on the weekend plans we were all excited about but you. Not only was my kid upset, but Kathy told me Eli was angry with you too… I just can't get over how little regard you have for anyone else but yourself."
"Yeah?," he raised an eyebrow, "then why are you with me?"
She stared through him for a moment, trying her best not to cry. She peeled her glare from him and sighed heavily, "honestly, I've been asking myself the same question…"
He took his clothes and went to the bathroom to shower.
He wasn't gone long, not long enough for Olivia to gather her composure. She didn't want him to see her weakening. After so long pining for him, after feeling such relief when they admitted mutual feelings, after his admission that he had dreamed of being with her for years longer than he allowed himself to say — after all of that, why did he just not seem to care? It was so hurtful and when she really thought about it, the whole relationship she had struggled. What he said and how he acted were never really in line.
She wanted him to want her more than she was ever willing to admit. She remembered how much it had hurt when he left, how abandoned and how alone she felt - how many times she had picked up the phone to tell him useless shit, how he always had her back and now? It wasn't like that and she felt empty besides the in between parts when he decided he wanted to be around - when everything was calm. In those moments, he could be so fucking charming, she thought. He would light up Noah's world, take him to the batting cages, he would do his best to play video games with him and was genuinely reliable - and Noah ate it up and frankly, so did she.
There were moments where she was tricked in to believing that they would marry, that their future would be fruitful and there was the baby that he had promised her that, try as she might, she couldn't let go of the idea of everything maybe falling in to place with some peace and understanding between the two of them.
She hovered over the send button, staring at her words before finally biting the bullet.
Hi Amanda, I just wanted to say that I miss you very much. I understand why you're mad… I want to give you the space you need to accept my apology and be okay with my life again, but… I guess I just wanted to remind you that I'm here and I do miss you and love you. X Liv.
She looked up when Elliot re-emerged. "Did you tell Noah to take his earphones off?," he asked in monotone.
"Yeah…" she replied.
"I just told him again," Elliot replied. "I could hear some loud shit smashing out from his room," he added.
Olivia rolled her eyes, "he probably heard us arguing."
"We weren't arguing, we were having a discussion," he went to add something about Noah's inability to handle conflict but he thought better of it.
"Okay," she replied. She didn't have the energy for it any longer.
"Hey…" he began, his voice quieter, calmer since he'd been in the shower.
"Yeah?"
"Remember when we stayed in that really nice little hotel in Hawaii?," he came to the side of the bed that she slept on and sat down on a small space beside her. His eyes were bright and clear and a little smile took up residence where his anger had been.
"Yeah?"
"We were so excited and happy to be with one another, weren't we? Zero cares, just you and me and enjoying some time together."
Olivia found a small smile fighting its way across her mouth. She dared to look at him, to search his face. Something had definitely changed between them. "It's not reality though is it? We can't continue in a bubble forever, we both have kids and demanding jobs…"
He nodded slowly, "but we need to both try harder…"
She did her best not to raise her eyebrow, bothered by him inferring that she was part of the problem. The problem was that he didn't come home for just on a week, citing work as the reason but she knew better.
How could she have tried any harder than she already did? She was exhausted from trying.
She felt the tears begin to slip from the corners of her eyes. He hated to see her cry, he always had. He leaned over, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "Its okay, Liv…" he murmured. It was all the words needed for her to begin sobbing.
He rubbed her back affectionately - the small instances of kindness from him that made her feel like maybe things could be okay. "Its okay," he repeated, "we're gonna make it, I promise. I'll do better."
She calmed down a little and let him release her. She wiped her eyes and slid down beneath the covers, exhausted and emotional. Elliot got up and got in to the opposite side of the bed, waiting until he knew Olivia was comfortable before turning off the lamp. "Come over here," he prompted her, his voice was soft, the Elliot that she had fallen in love with all of those years ago, "I don't want you to go to bed when you're this upset with me…"
"I just…" she took a deep breath, "I feel like if I say how I feel you're going to leave me—"
"I'm not going to leave you, Olivia," he told her simply.
"But you did, I texted you last friday night and you avoided me with work for a week when I know you didn't have to… I don't understand and I'm trying hard to work it out and to be patient and to not get mad, but… I don't just have me to think of anymore."
"I'm sorry," he replied a little curtly. "I'm sorry if I upset you or Noah."
"Its okay…" she said, finally. "I forgive you…"
He kissed her forehead. "Let's try for a better week okay?," he suggested. "Maybe we can get working on this baby…" he joked.
"Don't…" she replied firmly, "dont joke."
"Well, it was tongue-in-cheek, I'm ready to try for a baby whenever you are, Liv."
That was the problem though, she told herself, this man already had 5 children and if she was honest with herself, despite being incredibly protective of his children, he didn't really spend a lot of time with any of them except for Sunday night dinners.
She'd even had selfish thoughts about how it wouldn't matter if he stuck around or not, she had proven already that she was more than capable of raising a child as a single mother. She said nothing to his serious remark because she knew that there was nothing she could say. She wanted another child more than she could even verbalise and he knew it too.
Ideally, Noah would have had a sibling years earlier, but it just hadn't worked out.
She stared in to the darkness, thinking of holding another infant in her arms, this time with someone to share the responsibilities with her.
But then she remembered one of Kathy's biggest complaints - that Elliot didn't really change diapers, that he was good with some household chores, but the first few months of a newborn was something he didn't really cope well with.
Despite the extreme yearning for a baby, she wasn't sure that Elliot was going to provide what she needed in that scenario. "You're quiet, Liv, don't you want a baby?"
The question wasn't whether or not she wanted a baby, she thought, the question was whether or not he was the person she wanted a baby with.
"Yes…" she murmured slowly. "Yes, I want a baby," she said a little louder and firmer. She sighed and got comfortable. She was done, she didn't want to talk anymore.
Elliot kissed her forehead. "Love you," he spoke sleepily.
"Me too," she muttered, not being able to stomach saying the words out loud right back to him.
/
Olivia rolled her eyes as she served Noah's breakfast in front of him. "Noah, stop dragging your feet, honey, I'm not letting you stay home from school just because I have the day off," she told him firmly, "please eat your breakfast."
Elliot was fixing his tie as he came in to the kitchen and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "Good morning," he murmured. She smiled as she passed him a coffee that she'd made, black with one sweetner. "Thanks," he smiled at her, kissing her lips.
"I made eggs, do you want some?"
"Sure, only if there's enough…" he let his voice trail.
"Of course there's enough, I didn't just make breakfast for Noah and I and expect you to fend for yourself," she chuckled. He was happy to see her looking a little less tense. "Take a seat, I'll bring you a plate in a second," she added.
"Okay," he turned and found a seat across from Noah, sipping his coffee. "Good morning Noah, giving Mom a hard time already, huh?," he asked, almost teasing.
Noah glowered at him and said nothing. He shovelled a forkful of scrambled eggs in to his mouth, annoyed with the argument he'd overheard after Elliot had told him off the night before for putting his earphones back on after his Mom went to bed.
It felt like Elliot enjoyed taunting him and making his life harder. It wasn't lost on him that his mother and Elliot had not stopped fighting in what seemed like months. It was the hushed words and the loud curses of frustration and sometimes Elliot straight-up yelled until his mother told him to lower his voice. Then it was the angry hissed whispers and it usually ended with him listening to his Mom crying.
He wanted to go to her in those moments and climb in to bed with her and cuddle her, but he was always around. Noah felt like Elliot didn't have much time for him anymore, he felt like he was a nuisance — that by existing he caused problems between them. He had heard his name quite a few times during an argument but could never quite figure out for what reason.
But last night? He'd heard a lot. He was angry at his Mom and he was just as angry with Elliot. He had never felt more betrayed by his mother. She was choosing to have a baby — one that she would give birth to because her love for him wasn't enough, she needed to have this man who at times had been straight-up mean to them both and she needed another child, and he knew with Elliot around, his worth and value was going to change.
He'd wished he'd put the earphones back on once Elliot had gone to bed too, but he was always just that little bit scared of the man that Olivia had once explained to him, had been the love of her life long before Noah was born.
"Noah was up late studying for a math exam," Olivia informed Elliot, "he's just a little tired, aren't you babe?"
The little boy nodded. It was better to just agree.
"Well," Elliot began as Olivia placed the scrambled eggs and toast before him as she sat down too, "we all have to sacrifice something in order to do well at things in life, it doesn't give you the right to be rude to your Mom," he told Noah, trying to make his remark feel casual as he scooped the eggs on to a slice of toast.
"I wasn't being rude," Noah replied back wishing that his voice had sounded firmer; less whiny.
"I heard you speaking with an attitude to your Mom before I even walked out here, Noah, and we're not going to stand for that behaviour. You're going to eat your breakfast and you're going to brush your teeth and get your butt ready to lea-"
"Elliot!" Olivia snapped, "Noah is well aware of what is expected of him as soon as he finishes his breakfast."
"Liv, you might let him walk all over you but I'm not sitting for all this namby-pamby bullshit, I'm tired of hearing it."
Doing her best not to curse him out, she looked at Noah who looked ready to burst in to tears. His face was reddening and she could tell he was embarrassed. "Honey, leave your breakfast, go and get your school bag, Mom's gonna get her purse and we'll walk to school today," she told him firmly. Noah didn't have to be told twice.
The fury that burned within Olivia with this man who was not only insulting her kid but her own parenting skills knew no bounds and she was barely keeping a lid on it for her son's sake. She took a deep breath. "Fuck you, Elliot, you don't ever talk to my child like that."
"Oh, he's your child now, 2 months ago you wanted me to be involved in parenting him—what the fuck are you doing, Olivia? He's 11, he's about to hit puberty, are you gonna cuddle him on the couch in six months when his voice breaks and stroke his hair until he falls asleep? You coddle him too much, it's embarrassing-"
"I want you to be involved in parenting my child when and if you love him unconditionally too-"
He laughed, "but I don't?"
"Oh," she smiled furiously at him, "I am very are of that."
"I left to go to Italy and you decided that in that time you needed to be a parent and you got your hands on a kid and I came back and I am still trying to wrap my head around you being a mother — it's out of the blue, it's … foreign and the fact is, he's not my child, Olivia, you might be able to love someone else's child but I have five of my own—I'm not looking to be a father to another."
Her insides ran cold with the reality of what he was saying. "Say what you're not saying…" she challenged him. He was okay to be a father to a new baby, just not her baby. She paused, "actually don't say anything else at all, we'll discuss this later."
"Oh," he chuckled sardonically, "I'm sure you will make another argument your top priority," he remarked, dripping with sarcasm.
"Oh, fuck off, why don't you?," she spat the words at him just as Noah stepped in to the room with his bag on his back, looking bewildered. He was never used to hearing his mother curse like that. She turned to Noah, "come on, kiddo…" she grabbed his lunch bag and her handbag and reached for his hand. He clutched on to it tightly as if he really was a little frightened and she hated every part of that; the guilt stinging her.
She opened the apartment door and let her son walk out first.
Once out on the street Olivia let the tension fall away from her body. She pulled her son close to her and plucked out her phone from her purse. Noah wasn't game to say a single word. He had no idea what was happening. "Hi, Janelle, it's Olivia Benson…" Noah could tell by his mother's measured voice that she was trying her best not to cry.
"Hi Olivia, how are you?," Noah's teacher's voice was sing-song and sweet.
"Good thanks, sorry to call so early — I just wanted to speak to you before the kids start filing in, Noah unfortunately won't be in school today," she told her, clearing her throat so her voice didn't crack.
"Oh, no, that's unfortunate, is he unwell?," the teacher pressed.
"We've had a little family emergency and we're both a little emotional, but everything is fine. He will be back tomorrow."
"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Olivia, I hope that you and Noah feel better soon and your family emergency gets resolved."
"Thank you so much, if there are any other issues I'll be in touch," she replied.
"No problem, thanks for letting me know, both of you take care."
She hung up and put the phone back in to her bag.
She turned to Noah, "I'm sorry you heard me curse at Elliot, that was wrong of me. I don't ever want you to have to hear me get that angry at home again," she told him firmly.
"Its okay," he replied softly; his understanding and his quiet internalising of the situation hurt her and made her feel ashamed of the drama that was brought in to their home. It wasn't healthy for Noah to hear her yelling and getting upset. She could only hope that he hadn't heard Noah's remarks about not loving her son.
Noah realised pretty quickly that they were right by his Mom's work and that's where they were headed. She steered him in to the precinct. "Mommy, am I not going to school today?"
"No babe, I just want to see Uncle Sonny for a minute," she told him. It was actually a lie, she really wanted to see Amanda. She wanted Sonny to take Noah for a moment so she could collect herself and have a few minutes in her office to breakdown, she was barely holding it together.
"Mom," he began as the elevator closed them in to go up to her office.
She glanced at her son. "I'm sorry for being rude this morning," he murmured.
"Oh, sweetie, come here…" she held her arms out and hugged him. "You weren't rude. You were tired and grumpy, even Mom can get like that. Don't worry about Elliot or anything he said. He's just mad at his job and maybe he's mad at me too, but it's not your fault, love, I promise," she kissed his forehead.
"Okay," Noah replied, not believing her for even a second.
She took his hand again as the doors opened. She could see both Sonny and Amanda sitting at their desks drinking morning coffees and she remembered that she hadn't even had her own yet. She also became aware that she was looking far less than professional in her sweats and a t-shirt with her hair tied back messily.
Both detectives looked a little surprised to see her. "Hey…" she greeted them.
"Hey Liv…" Sonny greeted her as Amanda politely said hello. "Hey Noah…" he immediately picked up that something wasn't right.
"Sonny, could you please do me a favour and take Noah to the kitchen for some breakfast?," she asked, she turned to Noah, "I'm just gonna go in my office and make a couple of important phone calls — can you just get some toast or something?"
Noah nodded, not daring to complain or push back.
"I can do better than that, I was just about to go across the road for a muffin and a real coffee, how about we go and do that for ten minutes?," he suggested to Noah, "and you can tell me how your T-ball team is going…"
"Thanks so much Sonny," Olivia forced a smile.
Noah looked up at his mother, reluctant to leave her. "Its okay, honey, we won't be here long, I promise."
"Okay," he repeated.
He shedded his bag and left it with Olivia. She took it and watched him disappear back in to the elevator, Sonny giving her a reassuring smile and Noah looking down at his feet.
She bypassed Amanda deciding it wasn't worth the pain of imploring her to talk. She closed her office door and sank down in to her swivel chair. She rested her elbows on her desktop and began to cry.
She realised that she was falling out of love with this man who she genuinely thought was going to be her forever. At first with Noah, Elliot had been perfect - there was always time for him, he understood they came as a package. He took Noah to play ball, he was the first one to turn up to his t-ball practice and he never missed a weekend game - even turning up while he was supposed to be on duty.
They had one-on-one time, walks to the park, lunches together and Noah lapped up all of the attention until somewhere recently it had changed and Olivia wasn't sure why. As soon as Elliot moved in he was frustrated with some of the routines she and Noah had - he didn't like their friday night pizza and a movie only canceled for work and for a rare sleep over. He also didn't like it when Noah, just like any other child, resisted bed time, or tasks that Olivia felt were fair.
And right then, it felt like her son just couldn't do a single thing right in Elliot's eyes and that she was a parent without any standards or discipline when that just was simply not true. Her son, compared to some, was a freaking angel. He was loved by staff and students at school, he had great grades, great manners; he was helpful and kind and even became heavily involved in a school club that built it's premise on doing kind things for individuals and the community.
She tried not to lose control too much, she didn't want Amanda or anyone else who was sitting as close to hear her losing her dignity for a man who just didn't get her. He was supposed to be the only man who would get her, at least that's the lie she had been selling herself this whole time.
Maybe the timing was just off, she thought. Maybe they were a pair of kindred spirits who's timing would never match - maybe that was the problem; or maybe it was just never meant to be a romantic relationship — maybe both of them were too bad at love and too married to their jobs to ever be able to meet in the middle.
She wanted him to love Noah, she needed him to love Noah. He couldn't expect to parent her child or even allow him to discipline her child when he basically admitted that he would never consider Noah as his child. She didn't need him to be Dad, she just wanted her son to have a man in his life that loved Noah enough to be as kind to him as he was to her.
How could she ever have a baby with Elliot when he clearly made no plans to even pretend that Noah wouldn't play second fiddle to his younger sibling for the rest of his life? She didn't want that for her son. It had to be equal or nothing. Elliot could not be put out by Noah, he absolutely could not resent her son for coming in to her life at the perfect time. He could absolutely not resent her for getting on with her life as best as she could after he left her.
Sometimes he acted like her adopting Noah had been a punishment directed at him for leaving. Olivia wasn't going to wait around for him she also wanted to be a mother and she would never have changed a single thing. Noah was delivered upon her with perfect timing and he was the most only untarnished, perfect thing left in her life of whom she loved fiercely more than anyone or anything else.
How could she continue with Elliot after taking all of that in to consideration.
The thought of it made her physically ill and before she knew it, the idea of breaking up with Elliot caused a visceral reaction. She picked up the trash and began vomiting and sobbing in to it, grief consuming her- for the loss of a male influence for her son, for the ending of what she expected was her forever, for losing Amanda along the way due to Elliot's behaviour and for simply summing it up as collateral damage when she was still upset with her best friend - for the happy ever after that was simply now out of sight.
She vomited more as she thought about the way it felt to see him again after all of those years, his blue eyes said more than his words; the way it felt when he engulfed her in his strong arms; it was all she had yearned for — and this; this was the end of it.
She could barely hold herself together; she was finally accepting the feelings that had consumed her for over a month, there was only so much she could take and now she could feel her little dream of a family folding in unto itself.
The door of her office opened. She couldn't face whoever it was. "Please leave me alone," she whispered between sobs.
"I'm not leaving you alone," Amanda's voice replied, measured in response. The door closed behind her and she pulled up a chair close to Olivia and wrapped her arms around her. "I don't know what's going on, Liv, but I'm here for you…"
The yearning for her best friend for almost a year added to her emotions. She was able to stop vomiting. Amanda took the waste basket from her friend's shaky hands and placed it down gently and hugged Olivia tight. Her body trembled and she continued to sob until she had nothing left; until she felt empty inside and suddenly exhausted.
"Do you want to talk about it?," Amanda asked softly.
Olivia pulled away. "You were right…"
"Wait, did that asshole lay a hand on you or Noah?," she asked, suddenly her body stiffening.
"No," Liv replied quickly, "no… he has never."
Amanda felt frustration fill her already. She had seen Elliot say some terrible things to her boss back when the relationship had started and had begged Olivia not to jump in to anything with him, to see the red flags; but she couldn't seem them — didn't want to see them.
"Just… I think I have to end things," she murmured, "I don't want to," she choked on a sob, "I am just always second guessing myself and he makes me feel fucking crazy!," she exploded. "But he doesn't love Noah, he's so… he's just always on Noah's case, always got a fucking thing to say to him and it's getting worse and I can't do that to my son, he's perfect."
"Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck can this dude say about your son? Does he really think he's fuckin' father-of-the-year?" She shook her head, seething for poor little Noah and glad Olivia had come to her senses.
Olivia wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you," she murmured.
"Its okay, you had to do what you had to do for love, Olivia, I understand. We don't have to talk about you and I right now, you have your little boy to worry about and I'm sorry that it didnt work out for you, please know how much I mean that."
"I know," Liv nodded.
"You're making the right decision. You're right about Noah, he's perfect. You're a great Mom and your son is a reflection of that. You can't make Noah suffer because this douche bag can't see his value. Noah is not hard to love, Sonny and I will always love him and Sonny is always going to be there for him, you know that."
Olivia nodded again. "Thanks Amanda,".
"Liv, I don't want to be harsh with you, but Noah is going to be walking back in here in less than five minutes, you need to clean your face off and I'll get you a glass of water. Take some deep breaths and try to calm down. Your son doesn't need you to see like this if he's had a rough morning with Elliot."
"He heard me tell Elliot to fuck off," she admitted, "mother of the year to me…"
"The Olivia I know and love would never allow someone to make her that furious in her own home that her son overhears arguing," Amanda pointed out and Liv knew she had a point. When things got tense with Ed, she simply asked him to leave - she refused to discuss anything while Noah was in the house and they'd smooth things out on a mutual playing field but that never included her son and Ed Tucker had been at least very respectful of that.
She plucked a few tissues and leaned down to her bottom drawer to pull out a small vanity mirror and some face wipes she always had just to be on the safe side. Amanda got up, taking the trash with her, promising to return with some water.
Once Olivia was sure Elliot would have left for work, she and Noah went home. Both of them changed in to their pajamas and watched movies on the couch, snacking and enjoying the day of relaxation after an emotionally charged morning.
She wasn't surprised when Elliot texted her in the afternoon to apologise for losing his temper with her in the morning. She was even less surprised that he told her he wouldn't be home til around 8pm.
She hardly cared. She and Amanda had been texting on and off all day and it was strange how normal it felt all over again and how relieving it was to have her friend back.
"What should we get for dinner tonight, babe?," she asked, "your choice, whatever you want?"
Noah shrugged and glanced at her, "whatever will make Elliot happy," he replied. Olivia cocked her head to the side, feeling instant pang of sadness hit her.
"C'mon Noah, I don't care what Elliot wants and what will make Elliot happy, I just want to know what you, my son wants to eat, what will make you happy?" Noah had been out of sorts all day. He hadn't said much and was just a little clingy and affectionate. She didn't mind, but she felt sad that he wouldn't admit to his own sadness.
He shrugged again, "I don't know, I don't want you and Elliot to fight again when he gets home. Let him choose."
"He's not going to be home til later, sweetie and we are not going to do this, okay? We are not going to tip-toe around each other just in case Elliot gets in a bad mood. I am so sorry for the fight you heard this morning. I was mad because he was busy all week and didn't come home and he was tired from working long hours all week."
Noah just nodded.
"What about Wendys? Do you feel like a chicken sandwich? Or … we could order some tacos or burritos…"
"Could I get some nachos?" Noah asked slowly.
Olivia smiled, "of course, you can get nachos and Mom will get a burrito," she told him, feeling a relieved that she got a small smile from him.
She kissed his temple. "Noah, I want you to know that regardless of what Elliot says when he's in a stupid mood, I don't want you to change any thing about who you are. I love you, every little bit of you no matter what you do or say, that will never ever change, k?"
He nodded and she saw his eyes filling with tears. "Oh, honey, what's wrong?," she asked softly.
"I feel like I'm always in trouble with Elliot, it makes me feel…" he paused and wiped his eyes, "nervous sometimes."
"Oh Noah," she breathed, her eyes filling with tears too. She pulled him close and cuddled him. She knew it had to end. "I never ever want you to feel like that. I'm so so sorry that you feel that way."
"Its okay, I don't want you to be sad, either Mom."
She wiped her eyes. "I want you to tell me every single time you have that nervous feeling in your tummy, okay? You make an excuse and you call me in to your room and you tell me that you feel nervous and I will make it better."
He nodded.
"Promise?"
He nodded again.
"I love you so much babe… thank you for telling me that."
"I love you too."
With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, Olivia was going to have to reach down deep within herself to find the courage and the strength to let go of her relationship with Elliot. Despite how much she didn't want to, despite how much she wanted to give things a chance to get better, she knew she could no longer subject Noah or herself to the way that both of them felt within their own apartment.
She plastered on a fake smile, "Ok, let's get up and make that peach cobbler we got the ingredients for and then we can order dinner and eat the peach cobbler with ice cream afterwards."
"Okay Mom…"
