As promised, here is the next chapter... things are starting to happen :) whatcha think? This is one part of a really long chapter I wrote... I realised it was far too long, so itll be split!

Enjoy


Before

Noah sat on the hard floor and nursed his ankle in pain, trying his best not to burst in to tears. He felt Ms Jamie's eyes on him judging his fall. "Noah, up you get, I don't have any floor sitters in my class."

"I hurt my ankle on the spin," he blurted out, his face red from trying not to get emotional. The teacher found her way over to him and crouched down to inspect his ankle.

"Make a circle with it," she directed him. He tried and winced in pain.

"I can't," he cried, wiping his eyes as if the tears had already squeezed out. Everyone was staring and he felt embarrassed.

"I've been telling you to watch that turn for the last two lessons - I don't say things because I like the sound of my own voic-"

"Hey, hey—" a protective voice weighed in from the door way making both the ballet teacher and Noah look up. "you realise you're teaching a bunch of kids how to dance, right? This isn't practice for the Bolshoi," Elliot told the teacher, "he is a kid and he hurt himself, how about some compassion?"

Noah felt relieved to see his mother's fiancé. The tears began to stream down his face as Ms. Jamie stood up. "I apologise if I-" she tried again, "I don't have parents in my class, ballet requires a certain level of hardness and discipline."

"I can appreciate discipline and not a lot of time for dealing with overblown emotions, but as I said, you're running a children's class and it isn't entirely appropriate for parents to not be allowed to sit in," he told her, "you could be treating them any old way you want, right?"

He glanced down at Noah and reached his hand out. "Easy, kiddo," he told him, helping him to his feet, allowing the rest of his classmates to stare. He didn't care, he was happy that Elliot was on his side, proud even. Noah hobbled on his twisted ankle. "Mr -"

"Stabler," Elliot offered, "Detective Elliot Stabler," he added. "I'm taking my kid and we're going to strap his ankle like you should have done and I'll discuss with his Mom whether or not he'll be back or we find a new place for him to dance."

Elliot was annoyed and when he'd promised Olivia he would work on himself, he meant it. He understood that his not accepting Noah wasn't Noah's fault or wasn't that he didn't think Olivia's son was loveable, it was more about himself and his own issues, breaking down the walls that he often felt rising between himself and Noah and even Olivia and himself. The more therapy he sought, the easier the relationship felt.

Noah didn't want to change dance classes but he never said anything. He took Elliot's rough, firm hand and let him steady him. Elliot leaned over and pulled out his handkerchief from the inside of his jacket pocket and wiped the 11 year old's eyes. "Its okay, kiddo, we'll call Mom and see if she thinks we should go to the doctor."

Noah sniffed and nodded. "Okay," he murmured.

"Show me which one your bag is," Elliot commanded him as he limped carefully over to the gym bags in the corner of the the room.

Noah pointed to the blue one. Elliot went and picked it up and crouched down, "Ok, tiger, climb on and I'll protect this ankle of yours…"

Noah couldn't help but to feel chuffed with pride as he wrapped his arms around Elliot's neck and let him link his arms around the boy's legs, careful not to knock his injured ankle.

He spoke to Olivia briefly, letting her know that they were gonna go to the pharmacy to get some Tylenol in case Noah complained of pain and something to strap his foot if necessary. "Elliot, my ankle is really sore but this is fun," Noah admitted.

Elliot had to smile, he liked it when he had positive moments with Noah, enjoyed it—and protecting kids was what he did best, he felt useful and it was something that he felt purposeful about. The other stuff didn't always come easy. He struggled at times with his own children - especially when they became emotional and he tried his best but it wasn't always enough. He was aware of that shortcoming, but he was also aware that if he didn't work on it with therapy and whatever other ways he could, he was going to lose her.

He could see it in her eyes just months earlier that she had given up on their relationship and there was no way she would allow him in her life if he didn't accept and love her child too. He understood. He knew it wasn't fair of him to be angry about that when he knew that if Olivia ever showed anything but love and warmth to his own children, it would be a deal breaker too. He was lucky though, that maternal instinct came so easy to her — she had always treated his children with love, even when they were babies. Hell, he thought, she had been the first person to hold his youngest baby.

Now it was hard to get Eli to even speak to him.

At least Noah was trying his best too, he often got the feeling that Noah was jealous of him, not wanting him to have any attention from Olivia unless he was given the same amount. The therapist had pointed out that Elliot was essentially annoyed with having to compete for attention with the woman that he loved. He had to learn that her son wasn't going anywhere and that sometimes Noah would require more attention than he got, that Noah might act out as he'd not had a lot of experience sharing, but he would also be more inclined to allow Elliot a space in his life if he felt comfortable enough.

So he was working on it and it was going okay; good even.

"You getting a piggy back is fun?" Elliot asked with a chuckle.

"Yeah!" Noah giggled.

"You don't think I'm fun besides that?," he questioned the child. "You don't know how fun I can really be."

Noah laughed again. "When your ankle gets better, we'll go check out a T-ball team, how about that? Do something different?"

"I like ballet though, could I do both?"

"Mmmm maybe. How about we talk about it another time when your ankle is feeling better. You might really like T-ball more than you like ballet. When you're 11, you change your mind a lot, and things you thought you liked aren't as cool or as fun when something else shows up."

"I know… but once I tried T-ball when I was seven and I didn't like it. But I've always loved dance."

"Its just that… when you start getting a little older, the guys in your class might start making fun of you for dancing…" Elliot began carefully. "I don't want you to go and tell your Mom I said this because she'll think I'm trying to change your mind, but I'm not, she won't understand cos she's not a guy, but dancing is a little bit…"

"Girly?" Noah supplied.

"A little. There's no other girls in your class is there?"

"No… the kids sometimes say stuff at school already," Noah admitted, "but Mom told me not to worry about it— that when I'm older it won't matter."

"Well — in a way she's right," Elliot replied, "but also, it might become really hard for you before you get old enough for it not to matter," he explained. "I don't want to stop you from doing what you love, but… I think you could try other stuff that maybe won't make you a target, what do you think?"

Noah pouted and was glad Elliot couldn't see his face; he was growing upset, but Elliot was right, he was a guy and he understood already the teasing that Noah faced over doing ballet. "Maybe," he replied quietly.

"We can talk about it more later, like I said… and you know, it doesn't have to be T-Ball — it could be something else like soccer or … karate. You know, if you decided you wanted to take up something like Karate, maybe I could do it with you, we could ask Eli if he wanted to join us."

Noah seemed to perk up at the idea. "Yeah?"

"Yeah… let's just keep it a secret for now and see how your ankle heals up and we'll talk about it later."

Once in the apartment that he and Olivia had just moved in to. He set Noah down on the couch. "Mom should be home shortly, so we'll let her decide what to do about your injury. I promised I would start making something for dinner, so, do you think you might be able to hop your way in to the shower or walk without putting any pressure on your foot?"

Noah nodded, "Yeah, I could help with dinner too if you like."

"Great," Elliot grinned at him, holding up a hand for a high-five, "I'm gonna need help, I'm terrible in the kitchen."

Noah got up and took his dance bag with him and hobbled his way to his bedroom. He thought about Elliot's words — it would be fun to do something with the guys him and Elliot and Eli, to feel like he had a brother and also a dad. He knew if he told his Mom he wanted to quit dance she would be immediately suspicious and also, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to, he liked dancing. It came naturally to him and he was only getting better.

He knew Ms Jamie was hard on all of the students, but he couldn't deny how much of a better dancer she had made him.

When he came from the shower his Mom was home and he felt excited to see her face. She had been working a long case and so her company was intermittent — but things were starting to feel peaceful and warm at home. He wasn't listening to them argue anymore, there was just harmony in the new apartment and despite the fact that he hated that they had to move.

He trusted his Mom who promised a new beginning, an even playing field for all.

"Hi Mommy!" He greeted Olivia with a big smile. He hobbled in to her arms and hugged her tightly, "I'm so happy you're home!"

"Hi baby!," she greeted him with a big grin, lifting him from the ground. "El told me you hurt your ankle, you poor thing, let's take a look at it, huh?"

Noah nodded giggling his Mom kissed his face. She carried him with ease to the couch and sat him down. "Ok let me see, babe…" He showed her his foot.

She examined it and gently tried to rotate it and watched his face as he winced. "Tomorrow we should go to see the doctor," she told him, "you might have a sprain and we need to make sure we take care of it if you're going to be a good dancer."

Noah smiled back with a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Ms Jamie was a little bit mean to me — Elliot spoke with her."

"I know honey, but its okay, we'll work it out. I'll talk to Ms. Jamie tomorrow."

"Mom…" he began slowly, "what if I try something else? Instead of dancing…"

Olivia looked a little surprised. She raised an eyebrow, "like what? You dont like dancing anymore?"

He shrugged. "I don't know… I'm just thinking."

"Honey let's get your ankle patched up and then we can talk, okay?"

Noah nodded.

"Okay baby, Maybe you could help Elliot with the salad for dinner, what do you think? Do you want me to tape that up first?," she nodded at his foot.

He nodded again.

She smiled. "Sit tight, I'll be back…"

Noah waited patiently while Olivia passed her man in the kitchen, brushing her hand along his waist, pausing to kiss his neck softly. "Thanks for taking care of Noah with his dance teacher today…" she smiled.

Elliot returned her smile. "Of course…" he replied.

Once Olivia had taped up his foot firmly, she helped him out to the kitchen. "I'm gonna leave my two boys to take care of dinner and I'm gonna have a shower and get changed. I won't be long," she gave both of them a kiss and disappeared.

Elliot glanced at Noah. "Okay champ, can you be trusted with a knife?"

Noah laughed, "yeah I'm not 5," he replied. "I know how to be careful."

Elliot laughed too, "Sorry, I don't think I've ever cooked before with my kids, this is new for me. Do you know how to make a salad?"

"Yep!" Noah nodded, feeling confident.

"Alright, you tell me what you need and I'll get it out of the fridge so you dont have to move around too much on that foot."

"Okay first I need some music! Mom and I always listen to music when we cook together… but I don't mind if you pick it."

Elliot found himself to be enjoying Noah's company more than he thought he would. He took his phone from the charger. "What music do you like? We'll see if we can find something we both like."

Noah shrugged, "what are some of the songs you listened to when you were my age?," he wondered. His curiosity seemed to please Elliot who went through his playlist.

"Well…. Do you know a band called The Rolling Stones?," he asked.

"Nope!" Noah shook his head, "but I know Elvis and The Beatles and some stuff Mom listened to in college," he giggled, "some of it's really bad," he whispered conspiratorially.

Elliot laughed out loud. "Ok, I loved The Rolling Stones when I was young, its what my father liked too — here, we'll listen to this one," he pressed play on Paint It Black.

"Ok we have music, now what would you like?" Elliot asked.

Noah grinned, loving being in charge. "I need salad leaves, umm the cute lil mini tomatoes, some bell peppers— if we have them, some cucumber and cheese and maybe…" he paused, "do we have avocado or onion?"

"Check, check and check little man!" Elliot smiled looking in the refrigerator. He collected all the things and placed them down on the bench top. "Do you need a chair to stand on?"

"Mmm nah, I'm okay." Noah shook his head. He wasn't short, but he was lean and light. He stood up a little straighter as Elliot handed him a chopping board and a bowl to put the salad in to. "Elliot what's your favourite thing to do in the whole wide-world?" Noah asked.

Elliot paused from stirring the Bolognese — the only thing he knew how to cook and cook well. He was stumped, it wasn't a question anyone had ever asked him and he appreciated how thoughtful Noah had been to ask him. He turned to Noah and smiled, "that's a very good question, I don't think anyone has ever asked me that before…"

They shared a moment of recognition. "Well, what is it? We could do it!"

"Mmm," he thought about it, "I don't know if it's my favourite thing to do — but one of my most fun memories was going to see the Yankee's win the Major League series when I was about your age with my old man…"

Noah smiled, "That would have been pretty cool. Maybe you should go to more games and take Eli," he suggested carefully.

Elliot nodded slowly as he added a little drop of milk in to the sauce, an unconventional tip, but one he head been given from a family member. "Eli doesn't like baseball, he likes soccer," he replied, "if you'd like maybe you and I could go to see the Yankees play. Would you like that?"

Noah carefully cut the tomato up and looked at Elliot as he finished dropping it in to the bowl and grinned and nodded, "Yeah! Can we? I've never been to a baseball game!"

"OK we better fix that then, leave it with me and I'll organise it."

/

(Present)

"Come in, come take a seat, Noah," Trevor smiled at him, welcoming him in to his office.

He closed the door behind him. Noah took a seat on the couch and slumped down with a big, fat, sigh. "I thought it was important that we talked after your texts on the weekend… and I saw you this morning, you seem out of sorts."

Noah said nothing. He pretended to snore.

Trevor gave him some credence. "Okay, I get that maybe you don't feel like it… so let's start with the good stuff — how are you going? Congratulations on your A on your Math exam."

Finally he smiled, "thanks… I'm OK I guess. How are you?"

"I'm fine, getting ready for the long weekend. I'm gonna visit my family upstate. What are you doing?"

Noah thought about it, "I don't know, I think we have a family dinner and it depends on if Mom is working or not," he replied.

The mood was dark and Noah wasn't giving much. After the SOS texts Trevor had received on the Sunday night, he really wanted to talk to him, to try to get him to open up.

Trevor got up from where he had sat at his desk took a seat on the other side of it closest to the couch that he had used more than a few times to sleep on when he didn't feel like going home. "Talk to me, tell me what's going on in your head, I'm worried about you, if I'm honest."

Noah didn't say anything for a few moments and Trevor decided to let him sit with his silence.

Finally, he shrugged and stared at the ceiling. "I dunno, I just feel…. Empty."

"Emotionally? Or just numb?"

"Emotionally empty and maybe numb, I don't know… the only time I start feeling things again is when I say or do something so hurtful and I realise how much it's hurt Mom, then I feel something again," he admitted, "and that makes me such a bad person, that I have to say mean things to get a reaction that makes me feel something."

Trevor watched Noah focus on a piece of cotton from a thread on his sweatshirt, probably to keep himself from crying.

"It doesn't make you a bad person, Noah, it makes you a person who is going through something," Trevor told him, "when did you start feeling like this? Just over the weekend or is this been going on a long time?"

He shrugged again. "I think when Cooper's Mom took him to another school and the things I overheard her say to my Mom about me…"

His interest had piqued, Cooper's Mom had been less than logical when she moved Noah's childhood best friend from school. "Why? What did she say?"

"She said that Mom needed to keep her eye on me, that I wasn't the same kid she remembered; that I was sneaky and untrustworthy and that," he stopped speaking and composed himself, "she said that I was a bad influence on Cooper and that I was leading her son to doing stupid things that would jeopardise his future and that I wasn't welcome at their house or even in Coop's life…" his voice broke a little as he remembered how heavy the feeling had been to bare.

But he had taken it to heart; internalised her words and felt that maybe she was right. Maybe he wasn't a good person.

"Noah, I'm really sorry you overheard that— that wasn't fair of her, and I can tell you that none of what she said was true."

"No. She was probably right. Mom got mad and said it wasn't fair too, but Mrs. Kerrigan was right… and even though Mom defended me, she still was so mad at me so I think she believed that I was entirely to blame," he paused, thinking for a second. Trevor remained quiet, knowing the silence would encourage the teen to say more. "I'm not mad at Mom for believing Mrs. Kerrigan, but it hurts a little."

"Tell me," Trevor started, leaning over, resting his arms on his, always trying not to look as tall around students so it wasn't foreboding or confrontational. "When you had that little blow up in the science lab — what happened exactly. It's done now, so you're not going to get in to any trouble… but I'm curious about why and who's idea it was."

Noah glanced at Trevor and then quickly looked away in shame. He had began to grow emotional and it was noticeable.

"Its okay…" Trevor added, trying to keep his emotions opened, he desperately wanted to get to the bottom of what was upsetting Noah and didn't want him to continually shut down.

"I said to Cooper as a joke that we could make the burner flame explode if we turned the gas on early before class… but it was just a joke. When we put stink bombs in the bathroom that was just a silly prank that I know I took part in but I wasn't alone, Cooper was the one who got the stink bombs and there were a couple of other people involved that we never ratted out…" he explained, "and I wasn't doing well in science because of what I told you about the teacher telling me he wasn't going to help, so Cooper and I were goofing off all the time…"

"Okay, so you guys did the burner trick to what?" Trevor asked, still not understanding what on earth would possess two boys, who had been through all the safety lessons, to put 20 student's safety in jeopardy.

"I didn't do it," Noah told him honestly, "I might not be great at science Trevor," he replied, "but I'm not an idiot— I just had this stupid comical idea that I should never have told Cooper… you know just like—" he got a little smile, that seemed to momentarily compose him, "in the old-timey cartoons when Wile E Coyote or Bugs uses TNT and his beak blows off or something really dumb happens?"

Trevor couldn't help but laugh, catching an unintentional insult, calling the cartoons he grew up with old-timey. He loved how even though Noah was telling him something serious, he still found whatever images popping in to his brain, funny. "Yeah—"

"Well, in my stupid head, I imagined all the kids lighting their bunsen burners and it kind of having a little explosion where eyebrows were knocked off their face and then when the puff of smoke disappears, the eyebrows are back but… wonky and skewed, you know, like a cartoon reaction?"

Noah was trying not to giggle, Trevor too. He shook his head but found humour in it too.

"I made the mistake of telling Cooper and he really wanted to be friends with some of the cool kids and to get noticed by them, that's why the silly pranks started…" he told Trevor, "he wanted a girlfriend and to get a girlfriend you have to be at least a little bit cool," Noah rolled his eyes. "So he was like, 'let's do it!' And I knew it was dangerous and I thought he was kidding around and then it suddenly got a bit more serious, with his stupid plan to get someone to leave the lab window open so he could jump in on lunch break before our class, I got worried…"

"Why didn't you tell someone?," Trevor asked.

Noah finally sat up. "Because I never thought Cooper would be so stupid, I thought he was just trying to freak me out—- and then when it all happened he told everyone that I was part of it and that it was all my idea because he knew his Mom would be furious and that my Mom would be mad but would get over it and I just wanted to be a good friend, so I didn't say that I wasn't…"

"So you had nothing to do with it?"

"Yeah… but Trevor, please, please believe me, I didn't touch any of those gas taps, I know that we were lucky that nobody got hurt and that we didn't get expelled, I would never want anyone to get hurt, not even the guys that give me a hard time…"

Trevor believed him. "So Cooper doubled-down, huh?"

Noah nodded. "Yeah… he doubled-down and then Mom wouldn't believe me and she was so disappointed, I got yelled at for hours and I'm lucky I'm not still grounded. She told me that if someone had got hurt, I could have been arrested…"

"She's right, especially if you didn't speak up and tell everyone what really happened."

"Who would believe me? Nobody believes me… nobody gives a shit about me, really at the end of the day," he admitted.

"You're wrong about that. Your Mom loves you more than I think you could ever know. You are the absolute joy of her life, I could see that last weekend, Noah. It doesn't matter what you've done or haven't done in the past, she will never give up on you."

Noah stared at Trevor, hopeful; wanting so badly to believe his words as the tears prickled at his eyes.

"So why do I feel like she gave up on me years ago? Everyone that comes in to my life leaves… maybe Mom always comes back but I've lost her for weeks at a time when she's on hard cases — Elliot left us, Cooper left me to deal with this shit on my own, before Elliot there was Eddie and I loved Eddie so much and then Mom made him leave… I just don't have anyone… and now I've gone from having lots of friends to no friends… and I want to care, but mostly it makes me just want to be alone more."

Trevor felt a little troubled by his admission. He wanted the teen to know just how much his Mom loved him, he could see it when Olivia spoke about him; the way her eyes lit up when she shared how sweet he'd been or when she was concerned about him it seemed to change her entire mood.

"Noah, you have your Mom, you have your aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny… you always have me too."

"Even Auntie Amanda stopped talking to Mom for a long time, she thinks I didn't notice, but she thinks she hides lots of things from me."

Trevor listened, not wanting to interrupt him.

"The other day I got so upset with her and I was so cruel, I told her that her super power was making people leave-"

"Oh, Noah…" Trevor murmured, "you don't need me to tell you that that's not true."

"It's a little bit true," he said quietly.

"In what way?" Trevor challenged him, "in what way do you think your Mom has any control over who decides what in her life?"

"Mom wanted a baby so bad with Elliot because Elliot wasn't really interested in someone that didn't come from his own ballsack," Noah rolled his eyes and Trevor bit the inside of his lip to try to not share any amusement in his expression. "And she stayed with him because he promised her a baby even though she had me, I wasn't good enough…"

"Why would you possibly think it meant you weren't good enough, Noah? Maybe she wanted to give you a sibling."

"Its just that… I thought Elliot loved me finally, I worked hard at that, at doing all the things I could do so that he would like me more and just when it was working… he left."

"So do you think it's Mom's fault, or do you think it's your fault?" Trevor asked gently, knowing that Noah's logic was incredibly flawed.

He went quiet. "This is stupid…" he muttered. "There is something wrong with me," Noah punched the cushion beside him.

"Noah, I think you should answer my question…"

"I don't know, Trevor!," he snapped, "but all I know is the second Elliot left, I had to listen to Mom crying in bed every night while she pretended to be happy to my face. She buried herself in work and she forgot about me, I was there too and she wasn't the only one that lost Elliot or the idea of having a brother or a family… she just acted like it was no big deal."

"She was just trying to protect you, kiddo… she wasn't trying to ignore you," Trevor told him gently.

"Then why does it hurt so much?," he asked, looking up at the teacher finally with tears filming his eyes before one escaped and fell down his cheek.

He sniffed and quickly wiped it away, but it was too late. The tears kept falling. "I know my Mom loves me and I'm the most important person in her life. I know she tries her best but I just feel alone and I don't want to tell her because then I'll have to listen to her cry, thinking she's hiding it from me… and we go back to hiding everything from each other."

"Maybe you need to tell her Noah, maybe this conversation is one that you need to have with her. I'm sure if you were honest-"

"I'm 14! Why the fuck should I have to do this!?"

Trevor reached over to his desk and handed him the kleenex. "Noah, watch your tone, okay?"

He sniffed and murmured an apology. "And now I look like a little bitch, crying… don't you dare tell anyone I cried."

"Its okay to cry, Noah. I cried the other night because I missed my wife. It's a normal human emotion and what you and I discuss is between you and I."

"Thanks," Noah replied, wiping his eyes.

"If you ever need me to talk to your Mom for you, I can…"

Noah shook his head. "No thanks… Mom wants me to go to a new shrink."

"Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone who's not involved…"

"I talk to you," Noah replied with a shrug.

"I know, but I'm not licensed to advise you what to do, kiddo."

Noah just shrugged. And Trevor knew he was done. It was sometimes like that — he had had enough. A wall shot up, it was like a switch flipped.

"Well…" Noah stood up, wiping his face, "Mom is expecting me home… we are supposed to be going to Amanda's for dinner tonight." The words fell out of his mouth quickly and Trevor realised that he was embarrassed and looking for a quick escape.

"Give me ten minutes and I can give you a ride," Trevor suggested gently, not ready to let him run off with his emotions as heightened as they were.

"Its fine, I can walk. I must look like a teacher's pet."

"I think we're a bit beyond that now. I know your Mom," Trevor joked, flashing him a smile.

"Okay… thanks Trevor," he replied, "I'll go get the stuff from my locker, I guess."

"No problem."

/

"Can you ask your Mom if it's cool if I come up and see her for a moment? I have a question I want to ask her."

Noah gave his teacher a quizzical look. "About what?, about what I told you? She would be so mad if she knew I told her business-"

"No, I told you that's between us," he said quickly. "I just had an idea about something that I want to ask her about you, but it's something I need to discuss with her before anything else."

"Okay…" he replied slowly. He texted his Mom as they both got out of the car, lingering at the stoop.

Olivia replied and told Noah to invite Trevor up.

He couldn't help himself, the second that his eyes fell upon Olivia, he felt the same flip-flopping of his stomach that he felt a week earlier, the last time he'd seen her. He'd avoided texting her too often, the weight of guilt consuming him if he thought too hard about it.

She was wearing a pair of loose fitting black black gym pants and a t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back and piled upon her head with a pen. As she invited him through, pausing briefly to kiss her son, he could tell she'd been working from the couch. There was a glass that had a mouthful of bourbon left in it - her iPad looked as though it had been just placed down beside her phone on the coffee table and there was a blanket on the couch that looked like she had thrown it off to get up.

"Hey Trevor, nice to see you again…"

"You too," he smiled.

She smiled at him over her shoulder as she turned to her son, "Honey, we have to be at Amanda and Carisi's at 6:30 so please go and jump in the shower and get ready."

It was a thursday night, a public holiday falling on the friday — she was looking forward to the weekend off. Noah disappeared, briefly saying goodbye to Trevor.

"So what do I owe this pleasure?" Olivia asked casually, motioning for him to sit.

"Well…" he smiled at her, "I just had this idea, I hope Noah isn't listening because it's something I'm aware is a big ask or maybe even just a bit too much, so-"

Olivia held up her hand to pause him and made her way to the bathroom door and gave Trevor a nod, "the water is running," she chuckled. "Okay what is it?"

"My sister has been begging me to visit this weekend but she's got a terribly behaved dog and little kids who are maybe just a bit too much for Ruby — and honestly I'm neither here nor there about going upstate, but I thought," he paused, "wow this sounds so stupid and inappropriate now that I'm putting it out there," he laughed nervously.

"Spit it out, Trevor," Olivia grinned at him, "if it's too much, I'll tell you."

He lowered his voice, "Noah and I had a talk today which I might tell you a little bit about later, but…I thought he might benefit from some pet therapy - so I wanted to ask if maybe I could ask him if he'd like to dog sit for the weekend if you don't think it's too much."

A slow smile spread across Olivia's face. "As in, Ruby here with us? In our apartment?"

"Yeah… is that stupid? I mean… too much?"

She laughed, "I didn't expect you to ask that, more to the point, you actually trust my kid with your dog?"

He laughed too, "honestly, the idea of her without me makes me a little nervous but I do trust Noah, he loves this dog so much and I thought it might cheer him up, give him a sense of what kind of responsibilities are involved in owning an animal, and Ruby would love being showered in the love of new people for the weekend."

Olivia smiled at him, "I mean… is she house trained?"

"Of course," he gave Liv a funny look as though she was crazy for having to ask. "She's a hypoallergenic dog, so she doesn't really leave fur around, I'd bring her food and write Noah a very clear instruction guide on feeding her and taking her to pee… but if you think it's too much, its totally fine."

"No… to be honest with you Trevor, I think you're right, I think it might actually cheer Noah up, he's been a little quiet for days and if he's serious about wanting a dog, it might actually teach him a little responsibility."

"And look, Ruby is very good off-leash, I've taught Noah some of her commands already, it's not like she's going to go running off."

"Okay, why don't you wait for him to get out of the shower and maybe you could ask him yourself."

"Yeah?" Trevor was surprised, he hardly expected Olivia to go for it.

"Sure, you should ask him, she's your dog, your idea," she flashed him a smile. "Would you like a beer?," she wondered.

He glanced at his watch, flicking his eyes up to meet hers, watching her move about her kitchen, if he was clocking it right, acting a little self-consciously. "Uh, I thought you had to go to your friends house for dinner?"

"We're not due there til 7, I told Noah 6:30 because he's slow to get ready," she admitted with a laugh. "It's only 5:30, I mean… unless you need to get home."

"No," he shrugged, "sure I'll take a beer if you're having one."

She reached in to the fridge and pulled out two beers and handed him one. She filled a little bowl with some peanuts and potato chips and put them on the table as it occurred to her that it might actually be a little weird to Noah, telling even, that she was sharing a beer with his teacher.

She wondered if it was inappropriate.

She couldn't help herself as she glanced in to his soft green eyes that stared back at hers, she liked him. He was kind and sweet and he felt a responsibility to her son that she could tell went far beyond the dollars he earned as a teacher.

He looked very nice in his button down black shirt that she couldn't help was tucked in to his charcoal coloured jeans. And goodness, she thought, he was so tall. It wasn't often that she felt small around a man.

"Here," he held out his hand, watching her struggle with the twist-top lid. She handed it over and smiled. "Thanks… help yourself," she nodded toward the bowl.

"Thanks Olivia." She heard the hiss of the beer.

"So, are you looking forward to seeing your family at least?"

Trevor laughed because it was a loaded question — one that he wasn't sure he knew how to best answer. "Look, it'll be very nice to see my Mom and Dad and Raia, my sister — I haven't seen them since summer… I do tend to avoid going upstate if I can, its just you know, a bit like… everyone avoiding the elephant in the room."

Olivia took a sip of her beer, paying him full attention. "Which is? Your wife?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it's like everyone is too scared to mention her in case I break apart…" he paused. He listened for a second and could still hear the sound of running water. "I mean, truthfully, I guess there's some merit to them being worried, I didn't deal with my wife's passing very gracefully."

"Who deals with the death of a loved one gracefully?," she offered, "she was your wife, Trevor, of course you didn't deal with it with the grace of a swan."

He managed to crack a smile. "No, it was a little bit worse than what maybe most people would expect… but that's probably another story for another day."

"Well, I'm always here…" she replied.

"Olivia Benson," he smiled; flirting, she thought hopefully, "are we… friends?"

She chuckled and raised her eyebrow at him, "I don't know… are we?"

"I think we might be," he replied - they shared a lingering smile that really made his head swim with thoughts he wasn't sure he should be having. "Its nice. You're very easy to talk to — that's probably why you're so good at your job."

"You're actually easy to talk to too," she complimented him right back, and easy on the eyes too, she remarked mentally. "I find it hard, like I said, to be very open and frank with people…"

"Well, I'm glad. We all need someone to be able to talk to — and I don't always do the trivial conversation very well."

Olivia sipped her beer and set it down, "me either, I think we've both had some things transpire that make it hard to want to bother with shit-talk about the weather or the price of gas."

Trevor laughed. "Yeah, I hear that…"

"I better get Noah something to eat, he's eating like a horse at the moment," she told him.

"I can get my own food," Noah called as he came down the hall dressed in clean jeans and a t-shirt. He glanced at Trevor and then at his Mom and their beers. He smiled. "I thought we were going to Amanda and Sonny's house?"

"We are but not just yet, what do you want to eat?"

Noah joined his Mom in the kitchen and looked around before shrugging. "Its okay, I'll just have a drink and I'll wait for dinner. What are we having?"

"Not sure, I think Sonny is cooking but you and the other kids can have take-out."

"Ooh," Noah smiled. "Cool."

"Noah, come take a seat, I have something I wanna ask you…" Trevor told him as the teen turned to him.

"Mmm, am I gonna hate this?" He asked suspiciously, opening his can of soda and pulling a chair out. He plopped one of the potato chips in his mouth.

"I hope not," he flashed Noah a smile. "But I had to run it by your Mom first…. So I'm going upstate this long weekend to visit my family and I wondered if you'd like to have Ruby here with you for the weekend and take care of her with me."

Noah put his can down and glanced at his Mom. "As in Ruby would live with us for the long weekend?" His face was shocked.

"Yeah," Trevor smiled, "I would bring her over tomorrow morning with her leash, her food and a list of directions about how to feed her and the things I do to take care of her…"

Noah was still shocked, "Mom? Mom you said it was okay?"

"Yes," she replied, taking a seat. "I think it would be nice for us to have a pet for the weekend, I think we both would enjoy having her here with us. What do you think?"

Speechless, Noah nodded. "I'll take the best care of her, I promise. Ill send you updates and everything!"

Trevor couldn't help but to grin, glancing at Olivia who watched her son with a smile, loving and relieved to see her child happy. "I know you will, Noah, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't trust you implicitly with Ruby. We can just go over the commands again tomorrow before I leave her."

"I'm so excited!" He looked at his Mom, "Thanks Mom… thanks Trevor."

"Of course," Trevor replied.

Noah got up from his chair and gave his Mom a hug. "I love you, thanks for agreeing, Mom."

She grinned, grateful for his excitement. He stood, a little unsure, overcome with his excitement, wanting to hug Trevor too. Trevor didn't mind, "bring it in, kiddo," he crossed the threshold of awkwardness which Noah was so happy for. The boy engulfed him in a hug. "Thank you!," he said again.

"Look, I'm happy that you're so happy," Trevor said when they broke away.

"I better finish getting ready for dinner," Noah said a little awkwardly, "I'll be back."

/

Olivia grinned at Trevor, "I don't think I can say it enough, Trevor, but my son gets a lot of joy out of having you in his life and I really thank you for that. It means a lot to him but it also means a lot to me."

Trevor smiled, "its actually nice for me too," he admitted, "Lana and I always wanted kids, it was one of those things… the harder you want for it, the harder it takes to have it come to fruition and I know we're not supposed to, but as teachers there's always kids that we are gonna connect with and I feel like…" he paused, "I don't know if this is gonna sound dumb, but Noah and I are two generations — maybe three apart, but that fiery anger in him, the battle between wanting so hard to be good but just consistently not being able to help having outbursts… I know what that's like so I think I just see a bit of me in him and I remember how lonely that feeling was."

Olivia gave him a weak smile. "I wish I knew how to help him…"

"I think we protect the ones we love most from our feelings because it hurts more to see them in pain than it does dealing with our own pain," he replied. "Maybe that's why I have avoided seeing my family for months."

He was saying more than he meant to, spilling out things that he didn't need her to know — not yet, he thought.

Another part of him wondered why it mattered, what was he waiting for? It occurred to him, without realising it, he was always thinking ahead with this woman and her beautiful chocolate eyes, clear skin and dazzling smile. He couldn't shake her from his mind and it had happened so gradually and when he became self-aware, the guilt kicked in.

"I'm sorry that your family make you feel like that, but I'm sure they're just worried about you too."

"I know… my Mom calls me all the time and my sister is the one I take it all out on without meaning to," he said it with a laugh, but both he and Olivia knew he didn't find humour in it.

"Mooommmm!" Noah called from his room.

"Excuse me just one sec," Olivia rested her hand on his bare wrist as she got up. "I'll just be a moment."

"Take your time," Trevor replied.

/

"Mom," Noah smiled at his Mom, speaking quietly. "Mom do you think we could invite Trevor to dinner at the Carisi's?"

"Aww babe, I don't know about that," she replied, "I know you feel very comfortable with him, but— that might a lot for him."

"But, can't I just ask? I would call Aunt Amanda or Uncle Sonny and ask first of course, and if its okay I could just ask Trevor? You guys are getting along, you guys seem like you've been friends for years," he gave her a little smile.

Olivia laughed. "He's a nice guy, I'll give him that, maybe we will be friends."

"So do you think that would be okay?," Noah pushed.

Olivia thought for a second, "okay, sure… why not? But you need to call Uncle Sonny and ask him, okay? And be ready for him to say that its family only."

"Okay," Noah replied with a smile. He knew there was no way Sonny would say no to him.

She kissed her son's head. "I'm sorry that I said Trevor didn't want to be your friend, on the weekend, babe, that was unkind of me, I think I was wrong. Even though it might not be a conventional friendship, I think its okay if you think of him as your friend too."

Noah grinned at his Mom. "And I'm still sorry for being a little jerk."

They both managed to laugh. "Okay, better not leave our guest for too long," she told him, leaving him with his cell phone to call Sonny.

/

Noah waited for Sonny to answer, he was about to hang up with disappointment when finally a voice greeted him. "Hiiiii sweetie, its Amanda, are you okay?"

Noah laughed at the concern in her voice, "yes! Hi Amanda how are you?"

"Good thanks kiddo, what's up? Are you guys still coming?"

"Yeah…" he said, "Can I ask something?"

"Of course, shoot!" He could hear lots of voices behind her.

"Ummm Trevor my teacher is here with Mom, chatting and hanging out with us — I really want them to be friends," he smiled, "do you think I could invite him to dinner?"

Amanda laughed, "Yeah? You wanna invite your teacher? Sounds like you are match-making if I didn'-"

"No!" He said firmly, "No! He's my friend and I want Mom to be friends with him too, not like that, ew, that would be weird — just as a friend."

"Okay, okay," she grimaced, "sorry! Of course it's fine if Trevor comes along, you're always welcome to invite whoever you want, this is your family dinner too. I'll let Grandma and Sonny know. It's just gonna be us and Grandma and auntie Bella and Samantha."

Auntie Bella was Sonny's barely 20 year old sister who had become a mother to little Samantha at 16. She and Sonny were close and often he ended up being the mediator between Bella and his mother.

"Thanks Aunt Amanda, you're the best. I better go ask him if he wants to come, I'll see you guys soon."

They said goodbye and Noah headed back out to the kitchen. "Hey!," he exclaimed, noticing that Trevor was dangerously close to finishing his beer and leaving.

"Hey kiddo, slow down, you're gonna wear a hole in the floorboards," Olivia smiled at him. She could tell that Sonny and Amanda had said it was fine to bring Trevor dinner. Noah giggled at her stupid joke.

Some days he looked like he was slowly turning in to a man but other days, he still looked like her beautiful baby that she used to hold in her arms probably longer than she should have, wanting to keep him frozen in time forever.

He looked like an excited little boy that it was hard not to revel in his joy. He turned to Trevor, "Trevor, would you like to come to dinner with my family tonight? You said you were going to stay in and maybe watch a movie or something…"

"Oh, no, Noah, its okay, thank you," Trevor replied, "that's so nice of you to ask me, but its a lot to ask of your family," he smiled at him.

The smile instantly dropped from Noah's face, "but I asked my aunt and she said I could invite whoever I want, there's plenty of room," he insisted, a little bit subdued. He looked to his Mom for help.

"Trevor-" Olivia told him, finding his gaze, "you're very welcome. We get together with Amanda who you met the other day and her husband and their kids-"

"Amanda told me its just Grandma and Bella tonight, not everyone," Noah added, "but the food is so good, Trev, I swear…"

Trevor started to laugh and looked back at Olivia. "Really good," she confirmed with a little nod. "But if you honestly have other plans or other commitments, Noah and I totally understand," she added, wanting to give him an out.

"Mmmm…." He thought for a moment, "are you sure?," his question was directed at Olivia more than Noah. He really didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

"Yeah, why not? Its always just a nice, rowdy time— the kids buzz around and get up to mischief together and the adults enjoy the wine and the pre-dinner appetisers because Sonny's Mom cooks like she has nothing else in the world to do," she flashed him a smile.

Noah looked at Trevor, hoping he would say yes. Trevor glanced at him, "Well, Italian food and wine, Noah, I can't say no to that. Thank you so much for the invite. I might have to go home and get changed?"

"No, you look fine, we just level somewhere above gym clothes," Olivia joked.

"Okay well at least let me drive us there and stop to get a nice bottle of wine to take, it's the least I can do?"

"You really are committed to that car, aren't you?" Olivia asked but realised as the words fell out of her mouth, she wasn't supposed to know anything about his car.

"When did you see Trevor's car?" Noah asked, confused.

"When he dropped you off and you were late that evening, I was upset — remember?" She thought on her toes, quickly responding without a beat.

"Oh… yeah, its cool, Mom, it's a Mustang. Remember you told me you used to have one?"

Olivia smiled, "I can't believe you remember me telling you that!," she was surprised.

"Its always been my favourite car since you told me that," he replied without any fanfare, "I used to look them up all the time, when I saw Trevor's car I was sad that you still didn't have yours, now its just a boring SUV."

"Ah, see though, SUV's are practical and good in traffic. My Mustang always has car troubles," Trevor interjected, "I think your Mom just got smarter. I'm just a silly old fool."

"No, a cool silly old fool," Noah corrected him with a laugh, Trevor swiped him playfully as Noah jumped back. "Okay I'm gonna go and put a nice shirt on and then I'll be ready."

"I'll get changed in a second too," Olivia replied, feeling very aware of he gentle giant's eyes all over her frame, as if he wanted to tell her not to as well.

"What time do we need to leave, Mom?" Noah asked.

"If you want to get there and help Grandma in the kitchen, maybe we'll leave in about 45 minutes, how about that?"

Noah nodded. He turned to Trevor, "Do you like lasagne Trev?"

"I love lasagne," he replied.

"Grandma makes a like two lasagnes and eggplant parmigiana and lots of other stuff, it's so good!"

Trevor smiled, "well, I'm very excited for that…"

"Noah, you sit here with Trevor and I'm gonna go get ready."

Noah agreed and watched his Mom head down to her own room.

"Thanks for the offer tonight, Noah, I appreciate it. I haven't been invited to dinner by anyone except my parents or sister for a long time."

Noah smiled. He took a seat and continued drinking his soda. "Do you get sad, Trev? Being at home so much with what happened…" his voice trailed off.

Trevor made eye contact with the teen and decided to be honest. "Sometimes…" he replied, "sometimes I get very sad… I miss my wife a lot."

Noah pouted, "do you ever go out with your friends? Are you friends with other teachers?"

He smiled at Noah. "Honestly? Not really. My life changed a lot when my wife passed away. People don't understand how to approach someone when it comes to death —it's nobody's fault, but it's difficult and I chose to take myself out of those situations and it's just stayed that way."

"Oh," Noah murmured. "Well, I hope you know that me and my Mom are your friends now and you don't always have to hang out on your own."

Trevor smiled. "Thanks Noah, that's really kind, you and your Mom are very good friends to have," he replied.

"You can even talk to us about your wife if you like, we won't get weird about it. Sometimes I like to talk about Ellie, my biological Mom, and my Mom doesn't funny."

"Again, it's very kind of you."

Noah shrugged, "I think its normal. It's normal that sometimes people get upset about the people that they've lost, because you know you'll never see that person again, that must be really hard, I don't know why anyone would be weird about that."

The simplicity of a child's mind, Trevor thought to himself. He appreciated Noah so much in the moment. "Thanks Noah. You're such a kind person, you know, that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me since my wife passed. I do miss her very much."

"I bet you do," Noah nodded. "What types of things do you do to help when you miss her?"

"Remember when I told you its okay to cry when you're sad? That it doesn't make you less of a man?"

Noah nodded.

"Sometimes I just let myself miss her and I cry. Or sometimes I look at photos or watch videos…" he smiled at Noah. "Sometimes I just remember that she was a very good person. She was a nurse and she liked to take care of people, and I remember that..

"That's nice," Noah smiled, "I still don't know why people would be weird about that."

"That's the beauty of being a kid, Noah, things aren't as complicated."