Okay, so this has been a rather slow burn, but... this is definitely the beginning of something ;) whatcha think?


Olivia was relieved when they arrived at Sonny and Amanda's apartment. She couldn't help but feel Trevor's eyes all over her and she needed to know that it wasn't just in her imagination. Amanda would would have picked up the most minute of details and she could at least rely on them both of their honesty with regards to her own feelings.

She wore a blue floral wrap dress as she guided her son and Trevor up toward Sonny and Amanda's apartment. Knocking on the door when they made it up to the 17th level. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly and inconspicuously.

The door was thrown open by Sonny with one of the girls on his back. He grinned at them, "Heeeeeeey! Come on in!," he laughed as eight year old Billie waved at Olivia, "Hi auntie!" She greeted her.

"Hi honey," Olivia grinned back, stepping inside and giving Sonny a hug and holding her arms out to take the little girl. Billie giggled as Olivia took her. "Sonny, this is our friend Trevor, Trevor this is our family friend Sonny Carisi and his daughter Billie…"

Trevor shook Sonny's hand and exchanged pleasantries. He turned to Billie and grinned at her, "Hello little miss!"

Billie smiled at him a little coyly and buried her face in to Olivia's neck.

Noah threaded past them all as they stepped in and went to say hello to everyone. He was excited for everyone to meet Trevor.

"Hello!" Billie replied. Olivia took Billie and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi my love!," she greeted her, "you look so pretty in your blue dress," she smiled. "I love it!"

Billie was especially close with Olivia, she had been obsessed with her ever since she could speak. Even when there was the stretch of time when she and Amanda weren't speaking, she was thankful that she was still able to see the girls almost as often as she wanted. She had to give Amanda some credit, she never let the kids miss out — they still looked out for Noah and Noah still spent a lot of time with them.

"Come on, come right through you guys…" Sonny motioned for them to come in.

It was already noisy inside and Trevor couldn't help but to feel a little swallowed up. There were three women in the kitchen and he could almost immediately figure out who was who. Amanda came to greet them, "Hi guys, nice to meet you again, Trevor, welcome…" she motioned to all the pre-dinner food spread across the kitchen counter where she had been standing, eating with her sister-in-law, Bella.

"Thanks," he smiled, "here… I uh… bought some wine," he passed her a bottle. Amanda glanced at Liv, still holding her youngest daughter. She gave her a smile.

"That was so kind of you, thank you!" Bella took the wine immediately and opened it.

"Bel!" Sonny reproached her. She giggled, "I'm just opening it to air it, calm down," she leaned over the counter and extended her hand to Trevor, "hello, I'm Bella, I'm Sonny's little sister."

"And this is my Mom," Sonny's mother appeared from the pantry. "Trevor, this is Serafina, Mom, this is Trevor, Noah and Olivia's friend."

"Lovely to meet you, Serafina, thank you for allowing me to gatecrash."

"The more the merrier, sweetheart," she replied. "I hope you're hungry!"

"Always," Trevor replied flashing her one of his most charming smiles.

"Wow, Liv," Serafina rose her eyebrow, "this one is stunning, don't let him get away."

Olivia's face flamed with embarrassment. "Oh, no, no…" she tried to seem aloof, "Trevor is just a friend,"

"Mmmmhm," she smiled at them both lingeringly which Olivia knew meant that she didn't believe her for a second.

"Mom, stop harassing Olivia," Bella stepped in.

"Baby," Amanda interrupted, looking at he daughter, "I don't think Auntie Liv wants to carry you around all night and you're a little big for that."

Olivia glanced at the little girl in her arms and exchanged smiles with her. She kissed her forehead. "I don't think you're too old for an Auntie Liv cuddle but my arms are a little tired so how about we have another cuddle in a little while?"

Billie nodded.

"Good girl. Give me a big, big, big cuddle!" Bille wrapped her arms around her and squeezed her tightly. Olivia and Trevor exchanged smiles. He thought it was sweet that she had such a wonderful rapport with her friend's daughter. Finally she set her down. "You tell your sister that if she doesn't come and say hello to me, my feelings will be soooo hurt!"

"Okay, I'll tell her!" Billie replied, running off.

"Has my boy said hello?" Olivia asked the women in the kitchen.

"Briefly," Serafina replied, "he ran in to play games with Jesse on their video game thing."

Olivia rolled her eyes. She turned to Trevor. "Okay so… what would you like to drink? Beer? Spirit? Wine? Or soda?"

"The rule is that you get your first drink made, you get offered the first round of food and after that you help yourself," Sonny told him, circling the bench to stand behind his wife.

"Uh.. I'll have whatever you're having," he told Liv. "Thanks…"

"So vodka and soda?," she asked him.

He shrugged, "sure, sounds good."

"Come on, Trevor, if you want something else, you can just say, none of us are shy here," Amanda told him, "and feel free to take a seat." She pulled one of the stools beside her at the counter.

"No, vodka and soda is fine, thanks," Trevor insisted as he took a seat, doing as he was told.

Olivia could tell he was overwhelmed with so many people about. She made them both a drink. "Come with me, come and meet my other niece and nephew. Is Levi and Samantha out here?," she asked Amanda, nodding her head toward the family room.

"Yeah, Jesse is supposed to be watching them."

Trevor followed Olivia down a short hall where she stopped the second that they were out of vision. "You good?" She asked.

He couldn't help but notice how the narrow hallway closed most of the distance between them. He towered over her and could smell her tantalising perfume. It was doing something to him. "Yeah, I'm okay…"

"You look a little overwhelmed," she remarked.

He laughed quietly. "I just don't generally spend time around a lot of people at one time that aren't looking to me for a lesson. I'm just… yeah, it's a lot but I'm going to be fine, they all are warm and welcoming."

"Okay, but if you need or want to go at any point, feel free but it really meant a lot to Noah to be able to invite you, so… thank you for coming."

"Should I have accepted? Or was it too weird?," he asked, wincing.

"Its not weird," she flashed him a reassuring smile, "I'm glad you said yes."

"Yeah?"

She nodded slowly, taking a sip of her drink. "Yeah, it's always nice to see your face, I'm not gonna lie about that."

"Same," he replied, "it's nice to have a friend in you, Olivia Benson."

They shared a longing smile. He knew they were both chickening out on putting more to their words, but both were a little scared of saying too much.

"Come on, let's make sure these kids are behaving."

He followed her through to the family room. "Heeeeeey guys!," she greeted them, "Jesse! Levi! Sammy! You all ignored me!"

Jesse laughed. "I did not ignore you, I was just busy helping Samantha and Levi with their blocks."

"Grandma said you guys were playing video games," Liv replied.

"No, Mom, the little kids can't play so we brought Levi's blocks out and now we're building with them," Noah replied with a smile. Jesse got off the floor and eyed off Trevor a little shyly. "Hi Auntie Liv," she smiled.

Olivia lifted the 11 year old up and hugged her tightly before setting her down. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too," Liv replied. "This giant next to me is Trevor. Trevor, this is Jesse, Billie's older sister."

"Hi Jesse, I'm pleased to meet you!," he greeted her, "that was nice of you and Noah to play with the younger kids."

Jesse's face turned pink. "These guys love the little ones, don't you?"

Noah grinned, "Yeah, Trevor did you meet Levi and Samantha?"

"Well, I'm guessing this is Levi," Trevor set his drink down on a coaster on the coffee table that had been pushed out of the way. He crouched down to his haunches and smiled at the two year old who made his way over, handing Trevor some blocks. "Is this an invitation?," he asked with a little smile.

Olivia was done. Levi stared at him for a moment and nodded. Trevor's smile grew. "Thank you for giving me some blocks Levi,"

Samantha followed her cousin, appearing in front of Trevor to hand him a couple more. "Where do you think I should put these?," he asked the two smallest of the children. Samantha looked back at the path of blocks they were making and back to Trevor, "Ummm, a house! Here!" She patted a space beside the road of blocks.

"Okay, let's do that, that's a great idea." He looked at Levi, "and what about you, Levi, are you happy with that idea? We'll make a house?"

Olivia grinned, feeling softened by Trevor's ability to be immediately accepted by the smallest and arguably hardest-to-win-over, children.

"Why don't you play with your sister and brother and cousins?" Olivia asked Billie who came to sit with her on the couch as she watched, guarding Trevor's drink from tiny mouths.

"I want to sit with you," she said softly. Olivia put an arm around her and kissed her forehead. She definitely had a soft spot for Billie. She was tiny and sweet and they had a connection that she hated to admit that she didn't have with Jesse. Jesse didn't mind though, she wasn't as cuddly or as interested in being as close to the adults as Billie was.

"Hey, Mommy told me that you have school camp next week, why don't you want to go?," she asked her.

Billie shrugged, "I don't want to, I don't like my class and I don't want to stay away from Mom and Daddy."

"Okay," she accepted her answer. Billie had a little separation anxiety when it came to Amanda and Sonny and it was only hindered more by her lack of friends at school. She tended to be more of a loner. She enjoyed reading books and doing things independently. At home, she happily played with her siblings, but struggled with making friends and being accepted.

"Well, that's good news for me right? Would you like to stay the night at my apartment with me? We could have a girls night and Noah could stay here with Dad, Mom and Levi."

Billie looked up at Liv with her eyes wide, "could we?"

Liv nodded, loving the excitement spread across her face. "Sure, Jesse can come and stay too if she likes, we could go to the cinema and watch a movie and go get our nails done and auntie Liv can braid your hair just the way you like!"

Billie giggled, "Mommy can't do it, she always tries but she can't."

Olivia laughed. "I know, but it just makes it more special when I do it, right?"

The dark haired little girl nodded.

It wasn't lost on Trevor just how sweet Olivia's interaction was with her nieces. It made his stomach turn to goo. He knew that having children was probably well off the cards at his age now, but it was important to him for some stupid reason that she liked children and was good with them too.

Olivia could feel a set of eyes staring at he and glanced up to see Trevor watching her, he had a small smile upon his thin lips. She had come to know the look— it was admiring. He was admiring her.

She tried not to read too much in to it, but she couldn't deny that it felt nice to be looked at in that way. "Okay babe," she told Billie, "why don't you have a sit down and play with the kids so that we can set Trevor free."

"Do you like Legos, Trevor?" Noah asked as he was building a castle for the kids that he knew Levi would knock down in half a second if given the permission.

"Do I like them? Mmmm… I haven't put together Legos in a long time, to be honest. But sure, I like anything where I have to think, it's kind of like exercising my brain."

"I like the Lego technics, the hard ones. I saved up all my money from my chores and for my birthday Mom got me a Bulldozer technic and it has a motor in it, I still haven't finished it, the motor bit is really hard… we haven't figured it out yet."

Trevor could tell it was the teen's roundabout way of asking for help. "Well, I like to fix cars, I know a little about motors, maybe we can take a look at it one day and see if we can figure it out together."

"That would be so cool, I want to get it working because it's remote control through my phone app. But… I have to get a new phone first, my old one is too old for the app."

"Honey, I promised to get you a new phone, we just haven't had the time yet, maybe we can pick something up this weekend if you're lucky."

"You know," Trevor sat up straight, stretching out from leaning over the blocks, "I can still put in a claim for what happened to Noah's phone-"

"No, its fine," Olivia replied with a smile, taking a sip of her vodka. It was nice and cold, just the way she liked her alcohol.

"Well… I'm sure we can take a look at your Lego and get it working some time," Trevor replied to Noah.

"Okay guys, I'm gonna steal Trevor back. Everybody play nicely, okay?"

"Auntie Liv, can I come and sit with you?" Billie asked, hopeful.

"Oh my gosh, leave her alone, Billie, she doesn't want you harassing her all night-" Jesse rolled her eyes.

"Jesse," Liv warned her, "that's enough," she told her firmly. Billie's face flamed red. She turned and made her way to her bedroom. Olivia sighed, "that wasn't necessary, Jesse," she added. "Go and apologise to her, you didn't need to embarrass her."

Jesse went to protest and saw the seriousness on Olivia's face. It wasn't often that Liv got mad at them, but she knew she wasn't playing about. Without a word, Jesse got up and followed Billie. Trevor hid a smile.

"Girls are so mean sometimes!" Noah hissed.

"Noah," Olivia tried not to laugh but couldn't help it, "Noah honey, don't… come on."

He bit his lip to keep from laughing. Trevor smirked as the two small kids both kept approaching him with more blocks. She sighed, "Okay, I need to sort out a girl drama… hold tight you guys, I won't be long. Trev, watch my drink, little mouths love to sample drinks around here…"

Trevor gave her a salute and a smile as she headed after the girls.

/

"Why isn't Sofia coming?" Sonny asked his Mom.

"Sonny, don't get defensive, your sister is at work, she'll come after and get some food, Michael is good people, its okay. Just… do me a favour, go and get some beer okay?"

Sonny threw his head back and rolled his eyes. "Dominic," Amanda snapped.

He snapped out of it immediately and stared at Amanda who shot him a warning look. Olivia and Bella both grinned at one another. "Oooh, you're in trouble, she called you Dominic," Bella remarked with a laugh.

"Be quiet, squirt…" he murmured.

"Wanna come with me?," he asked Amanda.

"Honey, I am two glasses of red wine in and I am not moving from this chair," she drawled.

He couldn't help but to laugh.

"I'll go with you…" Olivia relented. She didn't want to, but she knew he was annoyed and didn't want to go on his own.

"No," Trevor interjected, finishing his drink. "You stay, Liv," he smiled at her, "you just refilled your drink. I'll go with you… Dominic," he teased.

Sonny shot Trevor a glare but then began to smile, realising that the guy wasn't taking a shot at him, was just trying to be playful and part of the fun.

Olivia appreciated Trevor as he passed her, his hand brushing along her back without thinking. He realised as he pulled his hand away what he had done. Olivia's neck almost snapped back, he'd felt her jump. They caught eyes for a moment, "sorry," he said quickly, softly almost inaudible to anyone else.

She offered him a smile. It was surprising and she was unsure if it was on purpose or not; confused as to why he would touch her like he had a right to her but then apologise as if he didn't mean it. "Its fine," she replied.

"Thanks Trevor, from stranger-to-friend, picking up the slack where my own wife forsakes me…" Sonny ranted.

"Oh for heaven's sake, he's about to start sprouting Shakespeare in a minute," Bella rolled her eyes.

"Hey where are you both going?" Noah asked.

"Just for a quick trip down the street for Uncle Michael," Sonny told him.

"Can I come?"

"Noah, you stay here-" Olivia went to protest just as Sonny agreed. She sighed. "OK fine…"

"Won't be long…" Sonny called out as they left.

/

"Olivia!" Serafina exclaimed grabbing her arm, her fingers digging in.

Olivia laughed, "ouch, what!"

"Olivia, what the hell, that man is the most beautiful specimen I've ever laid eyes on!," she added. "Why is he single? Why are you single!"

Amanda and Bella laughed too.

"Okay enough, please don't… He's my kids teacher."

"I don't know about you but none of my kid's teachers are coming to family dinners…" Amanda told her with a little evil glint in her eye, taking a sip of her wine.

"Listen, Noah really adores Trevor and Trevor has been an incredible help with Noah's ongoing behaviour problems. I'm seeing glimpses of that beautiful kid and less of an attitude and I know if anything happened, Noah would be hurt and betrayed."

"Notice she's not saying that she's not interested?" Bella asked quietly while sipping her own glass of wine a little smugly.

"Excuse me, you're 20. Why are you drinking?," Olivia demanded to know, changing the subject.

"As Mom pointed out, I have a four year old kid and an apartment that I'm responsible for, I think I can handle a glass of wine."

"Olivia, all we're saying is that Noah doesn't need to know everything. He seems so sweet and kind and if nothing else, a little shy."

She lowered her voice as though he might appear behind her. "I'm just not going to meddle with this."

"You had no issue meddling with that bald guy-"

Olivia cocked her head to the side and took a big gulp of her vodka. She sighed, Elliot was still a sore spot. She went to the fridge and added more vodka to her glass with soda and returned to her spot beside Amanda.

"Is that the guy that told me off when I was like 15 because I joked about getting stoned?," Bella asked.

"The one and only…" Amanda let her voice trail off and suddenly tension filled the air.

"Can we not do this?" Olivia asked. "It wouldn't matter how I feel about him. He has baggage and my kid doesn't have a lot of reliable male figures in his life besides Sonny - if I decided to push things with his teacher, it might spook him and my kid would suffer…. And you know what? Maybe he's not even interested in me."

"Oh, no… he's interested," Serafina told her bluntly, "trust me, his eyes didn't leave you. He is smitten. When you came in here before carrying Billie… his pupils turned to hearts…"

Olivia gulped her drink.

"Easy…" Amanda told her softly, "okay, that's enough — stop picking on Liv. She will make her own decisions, regardless of what we say."

Olivia did a double take, wondering if it was a catty comment. "Thanks for that, Amanda…" she retorted, irate.

"No, I just meant-" Amanda took a deep breath, "that's not how I meant it to come out."

"Okay," Olivia accepted her answer but was feeling a little attacked. "I'm gonna step outside for some air…" she told them all. She stopped by the fridge to open the freezer door and grabbed the entire vodka bottle. She heard Amanda get up. "Please don't follow me," she called over her shoulder.

/

Olivia was feeling a little woozy from all the alcohol when she heard the sliding door open. Trevor stepped outside and gave her a smile. "Someone said the woman with the vodka was out here gatekeeping it…"

She couldn't help but to smile at his sweet face. He figured some words had been crossed in his absence. "Could I maybe… get some of that and drown my sorrows with you?"

"Sure, why not?" She shrugged. He placed his half-filled glass on the outdoor table. Olivia took it and filled it up.

"Shit…" he laughed, "measuring with your heart, Olivia?"

"Yeah… the more I like you, the more you get," she murmured in a soft voice. He held her gaze for a moment and this time did not second guess the feeling that passed between them.

"I consider myself very lucky, because this might make me a bit tipsy and hopefully by then, I'll loosen up enough for your family to like me."

"They like you, trust me," she replied, glancing at her glass.

"So what happened? You look really sad — which is hard for me to accept given that in contrast, you look really gorgeous— its confusing."

She managed a laugh. "Stop…"

He shrugged. "I'm just being honest." He took a mouthful of the vodka. "Wow, that's….something," he grinned at her, his throat warmed immediately.

"So, do you want to talk about it?," he asked the question gently, not wanting to push her if she wasn't interested in sharing personal things with him.

"No, I'm okay. I was just getting ready to adjust my attitude and come back inside. I'm not really a big-group type person, I guess and I love every single person here but sometimes we all maybe tease each other a little too hard, you know? I guess I just have my sensitive skin on today."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Liv, some days things sting just that little bit more."

She nodded slowly. "I hope Sonny was nice to you."

Trevor smiled, "Yeah, he's a great guy, I like him…"

"Good. He's a very close friend of mine. He's been so good to Noah over the years — he's always had all the time in the world for him."

"I'm glad Noah's had that support. It seems like even though these aren't biological roots, you've both got true family here, I can tell."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah…" her voice trailed a little; wistful, even as Trevor had picked up. "Noah expressed to you that I wasn't his biological Mom recently, didn't he?"

"He did," Trevor admitted, "but it was a very positive conversation, I'll tell you that. I mentioned my wife and he asked me about her and I said that she had passed and I think he was trying to find a point of relatability he told me that his biological Mom had passed."

Olivia couldn't help but to laugh, "sorry, Trevor, I don't mean to laugh but that's actually kind of cute that he told you that to try to help."

"I know, it was sweet. He opened up about her a little… we chatted about adoption and how in someways, adoption is a lot more special."

"Yeah," she smiled fondly, "he came home the night he must have discussed that with you and said the kindest things to me, I appreciate you for helping him have a new perspective on me taking him… his biological Mom's story was incredibly sad."

The balcony door opened and Amanda stuck her head out. "Hey guys," she smiled kindly at Liv, "do you think that I could steal Olivia from you for a little bit?," she asked gently.

"Of course," Trevor replied, "I'll come in and see if anyone needs any help."

Olivia got up too, sinking the rest of her glass.

/

Olivia found herself in Amanda's walk-in wardrobe. They closed the door to get as far away from everyone as possible.

She took a seat on a little fluffy chair in the corner. An insurance payout that her father received and had shared with her had managed to buy both her and her husband a high end upper west side apartment. It was bigger than she'd ever had and enough room for all of the kids to enjoy.

Even though her walk-in-robe was small, she'd managed to turn in to a nice little space for her to hide from the kids if need be.

"I really didn't mean for what I said to come across as if I was taking a shot at you, Liv, I really need you to know that."

"I know… I just guess I'm a little touchy. It's not really your fault…"

"No, you know Liv, I get it, I may have done the wrong thing, but it hurt… I was really hurt and maybe that hurt was misplaced, but I cared so much about you and I feel like you just always put Elliot in front of me and I felt like at the time you were putting him in front of Noah so I was so stinking mad at you."

Olivia stared at the carpet for a moment. "I dunno if I can do this, Amanda…" she told her as she choked on a sob.

"I'm not judging you-"

"You judged me. You thought I was being a bad mother… fuck," she murmured, wiping tears that had only just escaped her eyes, "I was a bad mother subjecting Noah to that… I just wanted it to work so much."

"I don't blame you for that, Olivia," Amanda told her gently, standing before her best friend — someone akin to a sister; more of a sister than her own. She knelt down and rested her hands on Liv's knees. "I love you, you're my family, you know that. I just hated what he did to you and maybe it was more selfish of me, but you were flippant about what was going to happen and you kept catching me off guard and I'm so sorry—"

"You don't have to be sorry. I should be sorry. Sorry that I never listened, sorry to Noah for how that relationship affected him, for all that it took away from us and for what it did to my relationship with my own son…"

"Fuck that guy," Amanda murmured.

Olivia met Amanda's blue eyes and half-laughed and half-sobbed. "Fuck that guy… what was I thinking?"

"You were thinking that you needed to do what you could do to make it work and if it didn't you'd never have to continue wondering…" Amanda offered, "and that shit head kept dangling a baby like a carrot, he knew what you wanted…"

She got up and went to the table where she kept her make up and pulled out her wipes and offered one to Liv. She plucked one out and stared for a moment. "Liv," Amanda began, "I won't ever abandon you again. I was wrong. I should have just swallowed how I felt and been there for you regardless. It's my regret and I hope you can truly forgive me… I was a shit friend, you would have never done that to me."

Olivia knew it was true. She had watched Amanda get in to a lot of stupid situations over the years but had never once called her out for it. "I know it was a lot for you…"

"Yeah but you needed me and I wasn't a good friend and I really hope we can fully recover but I respect that it might take some time."

"I just don't think I can deal with you leaving again, or anyone for that matter."

Amanda gave her a rueful smile. "I won't, I promise you. I've got your back — and Noah's."

"Meanwhile, you have this beautiful man out there who has been super in to you since the moment you guys arrived. What do you think about that?"

"I think that… he has a lot on his plate and maybe isn't thinking about romance."

"But you like him…"

"I do," she admitted, "he's so good with Noah, he's so kind, I feel like I can tell him anything and he's so fucking perceptive… I've never met a guy who is so easy to open up to, who is forthcoming with his feelings too."

Amanda smiled at her, "He's incredibly good looking," she remarked.

"Its just not an idea situation. We've discovered Noah is still hurting over Elliot. It keeps coming up and I know he craves a man in his life — maybe a Dad or something and I just can't break his heart again by letting someone else in the way I did with Elliot."

"I know this is hard to hear Olivia — but your happiness is important and if it's right its right. You second guessed yourself with Elliot because I believe inherently you knew that it wasn't going to work, but you wanted it so much."

"I just don;'t even trust my own judgment anymore," she sighed, "I'm scared of everyone leaving me. If something happened between Trevor and I, it might go south and then what? Noah would be furious with me…"

"Maybe Noah doesn't need to be involved until you decide its going somewhere, if not, maybe your boundary can be that regardless of what happens between the two of you, Noah is untouched."

"We're talking like this is even on the table and it's not…" she managed a laugh. "Fuck… Amanda, this is a shit situation."

"Maybe you guys just be friends like Noah said, see how it goes. Maybe above all else you could both be in dire need of a friend of the opposite sex who…. At some stage may hold hands or more."

"That kind of sounds nice," Liv murmured, "I'm so fucking touch starved at the moment. I miss my kid, I miss his cuddles and his over-the-top affection…"

"They grow up so fast…" Amanda remarked.

There was some sad silence as Amanda watched her friend sigh deeply looking out of sorts.

"Come on…" she held her hand out to Liv. She realised they weren't really going to get to the bottom of the talk she wanted to have, not when Liv was already feeling a little emotional. "I think we need to lay you off the vodka until you have some food in your stomach."

Olivia agreed. She slowly got up and paused by the mirror to check her appearance before dabbing beneath her eyes and following her friend back to the kitchen and family room.

/

"These kids are nuts," Sonny sighed, trying to get his son to calm down. Nothing seemed to stop his screaming. It was after dinner, everyone's stomachs were full and Trevor and Sonny had been pulled in to helping the smaller kids with the Nintendo games. "Levi, its okay baby," he kissed his son.

Samantha looked at Trevor, having climbed her way in to his lap beside Noah, "Why is Levi crying?," she asked sweetly, staring up at him with big, brown eyes.

Trevor couldn't help but smile back at the sweet little girl with her hair in pigtails. "I think that Levi is a little tired, perhaps. What about you? Are you tired?"

"Uh-uh!," she shook her head.

"I'm tired," Noah remarked, turning the Nintendo off and the TV to the Disney service. "What are we gonna watch this time, Billie?," he asked Amanda's youngest daughter. Noah could tell she was down in the dumps. She was sensitive, a tiny little empath as Amanda called her. Jesse was fun and closer to his age, but he had a soft spot for Billie and always let her get away with more.

"I wanna choose!" Jesse told him, reappearing from her bedroom.

"You chose last time," he replied without looking up, "Billie lost the vote on the video game so she can choose the movie, its fair."

Trevor was impressed with Noah taking charge and making sure everyone was happy — it was more or less exactly like the kid he had got to know all those years earlier right after his wife passed.

"Why are you being so mean?" Billie asked her sister in a small voice, "you're always mean when there's other kids."

"Girls," Sonny warned them firmly, "stop it. Jesse, come on, we talked about this earlier, do we need to go talk about it again?"

"No," she sighed and flopped in to an armchair. "Go on then, choose your stupid movie, I'm not watching Frozen again."

"Daddy!" Billie whined, "I didn't even want to watch Frozen."

"And we can all thank goodness for that," he smiled, just mildly teasing her.

"What about we watch Wreck-it Ralph," Noah suggested, "we haven't watched that in awhile."

"Okay," Billie agreed, "I like that movie."

Sonny realised Levi had all but fallen asleep in his arms and Samantha had made herself comfortable in Trevor's lap, waiting patiently for the movie to start. He couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride that the kids had all taken to him well, except Jesse who seemed mostly aloof in general.

"Honey," Sonny began, coming to Trevor's side to speak to his barely 4 year old niece, "you can have 15 minutes of the movie with the big kids and then it's bed time, kay?"

"Uh-uh!," she replied, shaking her head, "I have to watch the movie, Uncle Sonny," she replied very matter-of-factly.

Trevor bit the inside of his lip so as not to laugh. Noah didn't even bother covering his smirk.

"Yes, you have to watch for fifteen minutes…" he agreed, "and then bed time. Maybe you and Levi can finish it in the morning."

She climbed off Trevor, ignoring her uncle and sat on the floor next to her cousin Billie, leaning against her. Sonny sighed and he and Trevor exchanged light laughter.

"Being Dad and Uncle is a thankless task," he remarked, "but hey, at least you're no longer toddler trapped."

Trevor smiled faintly. He would have given anything to be a Dad, to have a child relying on him the way the girls and Levi seemed to. He would have loved to have a toddler to have rocked to sleep or an infant that he would wake up in the middle of the night for and nurse back to sleep…

The thoughts about grief came back to haunt him every now and then - sometimes overwhelming him to the point he needed to take a second alone to compose himself. He excused himself to the bathroom and closed the door, taking some deep breaths the way his therapist had taught him.

It was just so fucking unfair that his wife's life had been cut so short that they'd not been able to become parents and he tried hard, but at times he resented his sister who had become pregnant a few weeks before Lana passed. She had been going to announce it to them at dinner the night of the car wreck.

When he got a hold of himself he returned to everyone in the kitchen which seemed to be the place to hang out.

"Here, sit down," Amanda, told him, giving up her space beside Olivia, "I'm going to say goodnight to my little one."

Trevor did as he was told. "Could I get you another drink?" Serafina asked him.

"Uh… sure, whatever you guys are having," he glanced at Olivia and caught her staring at him. She held up a glass of pinot, "it's good, nice and refreshing…"

Bella grabbed a wine glass from the cupboard and passed it to her mother. "I'm gonna make up some plates for you guys to take home," she told both Olivia and Trevor.

"Aw, thanks sweetheart," Liv replied, "Noah will be happy he doesn't have to endure his mother's cooking," she joked.

Serafina laughed. "Liv, come on, I will teach you, I've told you that and you know what? I'm going to call you one night and just turn up and you're going to get an impromptu lesson — 6 good dishes, that's all you need, once you know how to do the basics, you'll be good at everything."

Olivia rolled her eyes and laughed as she sipped her wine and watched Sonny's mother pass a generous glass to Trevor.

"Oh, shit… I just realised I'm driving," he chuckled.

"Don't worry, you can park your car downstairs," Bella told him, "you can come back in the morning and get it."

Trevor tried to calculate how many drinks he'd had and stopped counting after four — he would have been over the limit.

"So Trevor, tell us about you, Liv says that you two became friends through Noah. You teach?"

Trevor smiled a little bashfully, "yeah, that's right. I'm a middle school and junior high teacher. I teach what I call baby economics, which is just really a more life applicable version of maths and money and I teach the same in junior high but its a little more specific. I've just taken over as head of the physical education department and coach the school's football team."

"So Noah was an economics student?"

"Yeah, quite some time ago actually. He left a bit of an imprint on me since he was such an incredibly kind, inspiring child, and whip-smart," he added. "I think we can agree, that's a testament to his Mom," he touched Olivia's wrist and gazed at her a little lingeringly.

She wondered if it was the alcohol or if she had imagined his soft, grazing touch on the inside of her wrist where her skin was most sensitive. She hoped he didn't recognise the goosebumps that spread out over her arm.

"Noah got in to trouble at school, remember I told you about that stupid prank he and his friend did? With the bunsen burner in the science lab."

Bella snorted. "I still didn't think he would do something like that…"

Trevor wanted to defend her son now that he knew what he did, but instead he kept quiet. "Trevor went to bat for Noah and has been helping him where he's falling short."

"Oh," Serafina remarked.

Both Olivia and Trevor knew that she didn't understand how that translated, if anything she probably felt like it was a strange relationship.

"I've had a bit of a rocky going for awhile," he admitted as he took a mouthful of wine, not wanting anyone to think he was strange for getting involved with a child's life when he wasn't even his direct teacher, "and now that I'm on the other side of it, I can sometimes see a little clearer when one of the kids are struggling. I like to get them an outlet. For some it can be writing or talking, or just being the person they can go to where they feel like they're not going to get in trouble or upset anyone with their feelings… I made Noah train with my football team and we've discovered he has a lot of promise and he's incredibly athletic. Its a great outlet for him."

"Noah has done a one eighty in his grades and rather than bottling it all up, he's talking to someone. It might not always be me, but I'm glad that he's communicating. It's made things a bit better at home," she told them.

"That's really nice of you, Trevor…" Bella told him, "maybe if one of my female teachers were a little nicer and patient with me I wouldn't have got myself in trouble so young…"

Serafina looked at her daughter and gave her a gentle smile. "I wouldn't give up my granddaughter for anything," she replied, kissing her temple, "some things are just meant to be."

"And what about kids of your own?" Serafina pushed. Olivia wished immediately she could have erased the question as it fell from the older woman's lips. She tensed a little, feeling immediately terrible for her friend.

"Oh, no," he shook his head, "maybe one day, but I don't have any."

"And there's no Mrs. Langan?"

"Serafina-" Liv cut in.

"No," Trevor replied gently, not wanting it to be an issue, "its okay," he smiled reassuringly at Olivia. He turned back to Sonny's mother. "I was married for 6 years and together with my wife for about 11 all up but she passed away about three years ago in a car accident."

"Oh my goodness," Serafina murmured, making a sign of the cross, "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," he replied. "I guess that's why I don't have kids…"

The conversation grew a little quiet but Olivia was adamant not to get weird after hearing Noah's conversation with Trevor as she had been getting ready earlier. "I'm sorry that you lost Lana, you would have been an amazing, Dad," she told him, touching his shoulder.

He regarded her with a sweet smile, "thanks Liv, I'd like to have thought so… but it is what it is."

Thankfully, the interruption of Billie took the attention from him. She was whiny and tired. She wrapped her arms around Olivia. "Oh honey, what's wrong?"

She was shuddering with tears. "Jesse is being so mean…"

"Come here…" she smiled at her, lifting her up with ease. She could tell Billie was tired and oversensitive. "Give auntie Liv a big cuddle."

Billie wrapped herself around her, getting comfortable on her lap. "Sweet girl," she murmured, "I think you're very tired, aren't you?"

She nodded. Olivia exchanged smiles with Trevor, relishing the warmth of her embrace. "Close your eyes, you can stay here with me if you like…"

"She's a little bit overindulged," Serafina murmured.

"Oh, that's not fair Mom," Sonny told her as he returned from Levi's room where he'd spent some time with Amanda getting him off to sleep. "You can't treat kids all the same, each one of the kids have different personality types and we choose to treat them accordingly."

"She's 8, she shouldn't be getting babied like-"

"Stop," both Sonny and Bella said at the same time.

"You know, the bald detective, as you lovingly like to call him, repeatedly told me that I shouldn't cuddle with Noah as much, that I was turning him in an overemotional wimp — and if I could go back and fix those moments, so that I could have had just another few weeks of … this…" she nodded to Billie who she knew was sleepy if not asleep.

"Exactly," Sonny agreed. "If I can keep my little girl little for as long as possible, I will do everything I can to keep it that way…" he glanced at her, "this kid breaks my heart, she's so sweet, look at her…"

Olivia, Trevor and Bella laughed at Sonny's drama.

"She's sound asleep…" Trevor remarked.

"It takes about three seconds," Amanda added, re-joining them. "You still good to have her next week?," she asked Liv.

"Of course, is Jesse coming?"

"No, Jesse is going to be at dancing and she would rather have a one-on-one girls day than share you with her sister. So… I think I'll leave the boys with Sonny and take her to do something a little older. They rarely get to do stuff on their own."

"Okay, that sounds good…" she saw that Trevor had finished his wine and she finished off hers. "We should maybe call it a night,"

"I'm ready when you are," Trevor told her.

"Oh, guys — Trevor drove us here, do you think we could put his car in the garage over night and he could pick it up tomorrow morning?"

"Sure, of course… why don't we do that now? You and Amanda can put little miss to bed…"

/

Noah was sleepy and grumpy about the cab ride back to the apartment. "Trev before you go home can I please show you my Lego technic so you can think about how to make it work over the weekend?"

He smiled, "I don't know, Mom might need to go to bed," he replied.

"Mom's just fine," Olivia replied. Noah glanced at his Mom and smiled at her. "I'm glad you guys became friends…" he told them both.

"Me too, and your family are so kind and nice— thank you for inviting me Noah."

"You're welcome," he replied.

/

Once upstairs, Trevor went to put all of the food in the refrigerator.

"No— that bag is yours, that's the deal, you come to family dinner, you take food with you." Olivia told him.

"That makes me feel bad, Noah will probably eat it… I don't want to take food out of his mouth."

"Trust me, if Noah wants Grandma's food, all he has to do is send her a kiss-ass text," she joked quietly.

"Thanks Liv…" he replied.

Noah came out with his lego and both he and Trevor stood over it, inspecting it. Trevor looked at the instructions a few times and then at the construction. "Oh yeah," he smiled, "this won't be hard to fix…"

"Thanks Trevor…"

"I'll have a look at it next week — remind me okay?"

Noah nodded.

He said his goodbyes to Noah who Olivia asked to go get ready for bed. "I'm going to walk Trevor outside."

"Seee you tomorrow with Rubbyyyy!" He waved.

Trevor grinned, "See you tomorrow, goodnight."

/

Olivia and Trevor stood on the sidewalk a little awkwardly. "So, thank you for coming tonight. Noah loved having you…"

"Are you kidding? He was so engaged with his cousins that he didn't even notice," Trevor laughed.

"He did…" Olivia replied with a smile. "It was nice to have a friend there for me too. Even if they did give you a little bit of an interrogation."

He shrugged and smiled fondly at the detective before him. She looked cold. She hugged herself — maybe it was defensive or shyness. He wasn't sure, but he was sure that she looked beautiful. They both stood a little awkwardly, neither one of them wanting to leave. "I just want to say that—" he paused, trying to push the words out, "I really appreciate how welcoming you've been and how open-hearted you are to me… for not thinking its weird for me to be hanging out with your son or even other kids who I feel like— might just need to talk. Tonight was just actually kinda perfect."

She smiled at him. "Of course…"

"I mean, it came up tonight but I feel like I was supposed to be a Dad but it just isn't going to happen for me and I've made my peace with it, but maybe that's what makes me go that extra mile with my job and then sometimes something beautiful comes out of it — in this case, this loving, welcoming friendship."

"I wish I knew the right thing to say…" her voice trailed off, "but it's equal parts you, Trevor, you've been so good for Noah and that night we chatted at the bar, that was so healing for me. I don't open up to people very well — not even my closest friends, so that was meaningful to me. You'll always have a place at our family dinner."

"I felt like…" he jammed his hands in to his pockets and glanced around, looking for the right words, "I guess I feel like for a short span of time, I belonged somewhere and didn't feel like the weird family member who everyone treats like an alien because of what happened. No one treated me like that, not even after I talked about Lana."

"I think… maybe we see a lot of death in our job and we have to be open about it or else it'd eat us alive, so maybe — especially Sonny, Amanda and I— we're more comfortable with death."

"Maybe. But I also just think you're all wonderful people with the most beautiful children collectively."

She smiled. "Thanks Trevor…"

"Thank you." He wanted to hug her and kiss those beautiful cupid's bow lips of hers that still had traces of an almost natural shade of pink. "I better get going. I have to pack a bag for the weekend and get Ruby's things together. And of course, pick up my car."

"Okay. Thank you for coming tonight. I had a great time and I'm glad you did too."

She reached out to him, opening her arms up naturally, without hesitation. Trevor pulled his hands from his pockets and felt her arms around him, securing him.

She almost melted in to the teacher's hard chest. She almost let out a breath of relief when she felt him closing around her; safety, warmth and relief. She refrained though, after the things he'd mentioned about being a parent, about his wife — she knew it wasn't going to happen. She didn't want the complications especially if he wasn't quite there yet.

And even if he was ready, she may not have been the woman he was ready for.

She felt her stomach sinking as she let go of him. He stopped her from pulling away entirely, his hands clutching her upper arms gently. "Is everything okay?," he asked, picking up on her downcast vibe.

"Yeah," she flashed him a smile, "everything is fine."

"I get the feeling you say that a lot and never really mean it," he replied. She became aware of one of his hands smoothing his hand along her bicep absently. She tried not to read anything in to it — he was clearly just an affectionate man by nature.

"Don't we all?," she wondered.

"Touche." He was able to laugh, letting go of her. "You can always text me if you want to talk. I never get a lot of sleep…"

"Me either," she replied, "but you should definitely get some if you have to drive upstate tomorrow."

"Thanks again, Liv. I'll see you in the morning."

/

"Hey Mom?" Noah called as Olivia passed his bedroom, finding him in the living room in front of the TV.

"Yeah honey?," she was on her way to her own bedroom to get changed.

"Do you want to come and hang out with me and find something to watch?"

A little smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "You should get some sleep…"

"Its not a school night, it's the long weekend.," he pointed out. "I thought that maybe we could stay up a little later and have some popcorn and a good movie."

There was no way she could ever resist time with her son. "Okay, well— let me get changed and why don't you find something?"

"Yes! Okay, cool."

/

Olivia got changed in to some comfortable pajamas and set her phone to silent. She pulled out some popcorn and set it in the microwave. "What do you want to drink, babe? It might be a bit too late for soda."

"I'm 14 Mom, not 10…"

She rolled her eyes and handed him a diet coke as he came to the kitchen. "Please concentrate on having more water."

Noah smirked at her. "Mom, tomorrow Adam wants me to kick the football with him in the afternoon but I don't really want to take Ruby-"

"Why not?" Liv asked.

He shrugged. "I guess, I don't want anyone to know that I see Trevor outside of school and not only that but if something happened to her, Trev would never forgive me."

"That's fair, honey, its fine you can leave her here with me, I'm not going anywhere tomorrow."

"Thanks," he smiled.

"You still haven't showed me a picture of Adam yet, it's a shame he couldn't come over and hang out with you after school this week."

"I know, he had to look after his sister…" Noah shrugged. He scrolled through his phone and came across his friend's social media account. "This is him…"

Olivia glanced at the young boy, bigger than Noah and maybe looked a year or two older. "He looks nice."

"He does, doesn't he?" Olivia clocked Noah's face, appraising his friend when something suddenly struck her inside— that maybe her son had a little crush. It hadn't really occurred to her before that maybe Noah wasn't as interested in girls as some of the other kids his own age.

She tucked the feeling away, deciding not to question him on it, especially since he might have still been trying to figure it out.

"Okay babe, take this for me," she held out another can of diet coke. "I'll get the popcorn. What are we watching?"

"We're watching The Joker. Adam told me it was really good and that we should watch it," he told his Mom as he headed in to the living room. He opened up both cans and sat on the side of the couch that he preferred. Olivia followed with the bowl of popcorn and waited for Noah to spread the blanket out over them. She set the popcorn down between them.

"Honey, I'm just warning you, I'm tired, I might end up falling asleep…"

Noah glanced at his Mom and smiled. "That's okay Mom, you've had a huge week, I don't mind if you need to sleep."

She felt warmed by her beautiful boy's empathy. "I'll try my best…"

They watched for awhile until Olivia found herself nodding off. "Mom…" Noah's voice trailed off.

She turned to him, "yeah?" She sat up giving him her attention.

"Mom, can I ask you something about Elliot?"

She picked up the remote and hit pause. "Of course baby, what do you want to ask me?"

Noah thought for a minute before turning back to her, away from the TV. "Do you think that after Elliot left we changed?"

Olivia took a second to process his question. It was loaded and she knew by the slow way that he asked, almost sheepish, that he was scared of her reaction. She swallowed the lump that immediately formed in her throat. "Let answer that in a moment, because I want to ask you a question and I would love if you would be very honest for a moment," she cleared her throat. Noah stared expectantly with his large blue eyes; innocent and boy-like.

"Do you think we changed? Or that I changed?"

"Yes," he told her without flinching. "You changed. Maybe I did too, it's not easy to judge my own behaviour."

"Then yes, maybe we both changed," she replied in a murmur. She knew she was about to cry, "I'm sorry if I get emotional, babe, but I don't think I realise at the time that I wasn't hiding my feelings from you very well."

"I think you were trying to do the right thing so I wouldn't see you upset," he told her gently. "But, I knew you were upset, it just made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be sad about him leaving— or sad because you were sad."

Olivia felt the tears welling up as she picked up the popcorn bowl and placed it on the coffee table. She drew her son close and kissed him. "I'm very, very sorry, Noah. I want you to know how much I mean that."

"I know. I know you didn't mean it…"

"But it doesn't stop it from hurting, I get it," she sniffed as she drew away.

Noah glanced at his Mom. "I'm sorry for everything this year — for making you worry so much."

"Its okay babe, every kid goes through a rough patch. I just… never want you to stop being honest with me."

"I'm trying and I hope you don't hide your feelings from me too, Mom, I'm old enough now to understand some stuff, I know a lot of things can be complicated, but I always know when you're not fine."

She managed a little laugh. "You're a very perceptive kid, Noah. I love you very much and I know that sometimes it feels like there's a wall between us — and sometimes you're mad at me because of work, but you can tell me that too."

"Thanks…" he murmured. "I love you too."

"Honey, I'm so sorry but I need to go to bed. You know you can ask me anything at any time. I might get upset, but I'll never not talk to you or try to explain things the best I can."

"I know… I think we both have to try hard to trust each other more."

She smiled and kissed him again. "When did you manage to grow up and get so mature?"

He laughed. "When I was busy putting stink bombs in to the toilets."

She rose her eyebrow at him but eventually laughed. "Goodnight love. Sweet dreams, I want you in bed soon, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll go to bed now we can finish the movie tomorrow."

They said goodnight and parted ways. Olivia went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get in to bed. She couldn't wait to lay down. She turned off all the lights and stared at the ceiling. She heard the sounds of Noah using the bathroom and some lights clicking off.

The light from her phone flashed in to her room, lighting everything up. With a sigh, she picked it up.

It was Trevor. She couldn't deny the little thrill as she sat up a little to read — almost as if he could see her. She opened his message. Can I make a little admission? She saw the little dots appear. It stopped. Started — stopped and started again.

Yes, she replied.

A few moments later she heard the soft chime of the message. I hope you won't hate me for it…

The suspense was killing her. Spit it out, good man!, she responded with a laugh face.

Okay here goes…

There was a moment of typing before a long message came through that she figured he must have written out elsewhere. There was no way he could have written a lengthy message in such a short span of time.

I can't stop thinking about you, Olivia Benson. I hope this is not over-stepping a boundary but I just can't get you out of my mind… I have to be honest that it comes wrapped in a lot of guilt, but I really wanted to be honest with you because it's making my brain hurt. And now that I've made the mistake of saying too much, I want you to know that the bottom line is; this is a compliment.

Olivia's breath caught. She never thought in a million years that he would come out with something like that. She saw him typing again.

Also, you looked so beautiful tonight and it was really hard to not brazenly gaze at you all through dinner.

"Fuck…" she muttered. She took a deep breath. She was blind sighted by his admission.

It was her turn to start her messages off a million different ways. To keep deleting and trying again until it was right.

She finally settled for something simple; I'm so glad you told me that, Trevor, because me too. And also, you are incredibly beautiful to look at too. Every time I see you, I find it hard to not stare. I also feel guilty too because I know you might not necessarily want to do anything about those feelings or even feel ready to and I don't want to influence your healing process.

She let out a heavy sigh as she pushed send. She knew there was a lot of complications between them both, but it was a sweet relief to know that it wasn't just her.

Olivia Benson, THIS… THIS is why you're so amazing. The fact that you have similar feelings but are still willing to put it aside for me, to not hinder what I'm going through — you are amazing. You are AMAZING. I know you'd never admit it, but I know that you have a lot of self-doubt but here it is again; you are AMAZING. Only an amazing woman could have a son who is equally amazing.

She pushed her lips hard against each other to keep herself from grinning at the screen in the dark bedroom. You are too.

Get some sleep, we can talk over the weekend if you like? Thank you for a wonderful night again. I needed to feel alive again…and you and Noah certainly make me feel valued. You're amazingness is making it very hard for me to want to go without seeing you for too long of a stretch…. But, I'll see you in the morning when I drop Rubes off. Sweet dreams.

He turned her insides to goo. I am looking forward to it… Good night and sweet dreams to you too. Also Trevor, your value is not determined by Noah or myself — your value is based on your own merits as a talented man who has the kindness and patience of a saint for those kids and the gentleness about you that I'm gonna just say, feels pretty damn rare. That's why I think I like you so much… k, goodnight. She sent a bunch of blush faces.

He returned the exact same emoji followed by a yawn and a sleeping face.

She managed a laugh. She put the phone down and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours until she eventually went to sleep — with a big smile on her face.