Hey everyone! Thank you for your comments and how invested you all are in this! This is definitely a slow burn for everyone involved ... and maybe itll blow up soon or maybe things will go smoothly. I still have quite a bit of story planned so hang in tight. You gotta go thru the dark to find the light :)


It was awkward and he hated every second of it, but he knew he couldn't head all the way back home without seeing his in-laws. The house was quiet and he was very aware of the large, hand-crafted grandfather clock that ticked away the seconds as if they were hours.

He was holding a small china cup filled with black tea. He didn't even like tea.

"Are you sure you can't stay for dinner?"

"Sorry Paula, I don't get back here often as you know and my sister is trying to take up all my time while I'm here with activities to keep me busy." It was a half-truth. Raia kept throwing suggestions at him that he kept batting away.

"Did you want to go and visit Lana's room?," she asked, sitting across from him, wringing her hands nervously.

"No thanks, it's a little hard for me if I'm honest," he admitted.

Paula, Lana's mother smiled ruefully at him. Bob walked inside from finishing some work in the yard and glanced at Trevor. "Have you managed to meet anyone yet?," he asked as he washed his hands from the kitchen, letting his words travel.

It felt odd to be asked that, but he knew there was no way he would tell them about Olivia. "No… No one else is Lana."

Bob came in and sat down, "Probably for the best, huh? Be a little too hard to compare another woman with how beautiful and perfect our Lanie was…"

Trevor tried not to smile to himself, he knew just how much his wife hated when her father called her by the little cutesy name.

"Mmm" he swallowed his black tea and put the cup and saucer down. "I'm sorry that I can't stay longer… I promise to try to get up here more."

They said some polite goodbyes and he felt terrible for wanting to get out of there faster than he had arrived, but it was like stepping back in time and he felt bad enough sitting with his own grief than having to deal with everyone else's too.

He was happy to arrive back home and see what his parents were up to. He sat in the car for a few moments, trying to compose himself.

He picked up his phone to find a few photos of Noah and Ruby on the couch together watching television. He smiled at the way his dog had already forgotten him, laying on top of the small teen like she had met her bestfriend for life.

I see my fur daughter has ingratiated herself very quickly. She looks like she won't miss me…

He was just about to pull the hand brake up on the car and grab his things and go inside when he got a response. She actually has been a little quiet and snuggly and didn't want to play ball earlier, we figure she misses her Daddy already. Noah is going to hang out with Adam later so I get to have some one-one-one time with possibly the cutest dog I've ever seen. How's home going?

He smiled, happy to have someone check in on him who actually cared.

I want some pictures of that too. Thanks for asking. I just left Lana's parents house — it's like stepping back in to time. I could barely stand it. I'm sitting outside Mom and Dad's place now, my sister's car is here and I'm just… taking it an hour at a time…

He paused before he sent his next message. He typed it out and waited to get the courage to push send.

"Fuck it," he said out loud. He pressed the send button and waited. Do you think I could call you tonight to talk? I want to hear your voice…

He smiled. It has been such a relief when she had told him her feelings were the same and extra touching that she was so considerate of his grief.

He could see her responding to his text when suddenly his phone began to ring. He nearly jumped a mile. It was Olivia. "Hey…" he picked up, trying to sound cool. "Long time no hear…"

He heard her laughter— it was delightful. "Hey… I just thought I would jump the hurdle of awkwardness or else… we will be here forever being polite."

He laughed, grateful for her. "I'm happy about that…"

"So, what happened with your in-laws?," she asked without a single air of discomfort.

He sighed, "I don't know… they just make me feel like I'm not allowed to move on with my life because they haven't been able to. And I'm struggling, I want to move on— I have enough guilt surrounding it myself let alone someone else making me feel like I'm somehow betraying them or … Lana."

Olivia listened. And sometimes that was all he needed; just someone who could listen and not attempt to fix everything.

"How do you think Lana would feel about the way they are dealing with things or how you are dealing with things? Like, if she could see you now… what do you think she'd say?"

He chuckled. "You always know how to give me perspective, Liv…"

She shared his laughter. "No, but I think it's a valid question— do you think she'd be happy that you're struggling or would she want you to try to find happiness for yourself in whatever form that comes… or however that might look for you."

Trevor sat back against his car seat. "I think…" he paused, "I think Lana would be pissed off that her Dad is still calling her Lanie…" he laughed again.

Olivia smiled. "And what about you," she pressed, "do you think she would want you to be happy or forever pining over her…"

"Hmmm…." He thought about it, "I think she'd want me to be happy. She'd probably be pissed if she knew how I was living life now without her, if I'm honest. I feel like she would approve of you, but then I think about how … maybe I approve of you and I want to feel like she'd be okay with it."

"If I was some kind of all-knowing being in the afterlife, I can guarantee you, Trevor that I'd only want my loved ones to be happy. I didn't know Lana, but what you've told me is that she's a very kind soul… and I have no doubt that if she loved you as much as you loved her, she would want happiness not only for you but for her own Mom and Dad and also your sister and family."

Trevor sighed, "I know you're right, but I just don't know how to make the guilt go away."

"I think.. you give yourself some permission to slowly find joy again. You can do that without forgetting Lana."

"Yeah…," his voice trailed. He let the silence hang for a few moments. "I better go inside. I've been sitting in my car outside Mom and Dads. My sister is here and goodness knows what's waiting for me… I'm scared," he joked.

"Hang in there. Text me if you need to."

"Before I go, how are you feeling today? You seemed happier and lighter this morning. Was that because of me? My ego needs to know…" he chuckled.

"Yes. I went to bed with a smile on my face," she told him softly, "thanks for being honest. I thought I was reading too much in to things."

"You weren't… thanks for making me feel a bit better," he murmured. "Let me know when you're free to chat later tonight, I'll give you a call back."

"I sure will. Have a good dinner, Trev… it was nice to hear that voice of yours."

"And yours too," he smiled, hanging up.

/

past

Trevor could hear the phone ringing; it was shrill, it woke him from the stupor he was in. Each time the ring blasted in to the air, permeating his brain, stinging the backs of his eyeballs. He could barely move— it took all of his energy to find it somewhere beside him. Eventually he gave up, so did the caller.

Relief; it swept over him.

He just wanted to go to sleep - sleep was where he saw her, sleep is where everything was perfect again. Waking was the horrific, painful reality.

The phone began again and this time he didn't bother looking for it. He ripped the pillow from beneath his head and buried his head under it, pressing it against his ears, yelling out loud with frustration. He was sure he swore at it; like it could hear him.

He let out a sob as he pulled himself up, every muscle in his body ached and he felt weighted down, everything felt heavy. The smell of vomit hit him and he remembered. He glanced down at his shirt; the remnants of the evening before hit him in flashes. Did he….

He was about to set his foot down on the hardboard floors when he noticed the puddle of vomit. He stepped over it, heaving. He made his way to the bathroom and splashed water over his face and rattled around in the medicine cabinet for something.

Vicodin.

It hurt to see her name on the bottle, but he ignored that pain for the moment. He opened the bottle and tipped a pill in to his hand. It had been prescribed to her after she slipped on ice and hurt her tailbone. She only took two of them and had shoved the bottle away.

He swallowed it with a mouthful of water from the bathroom. He made his way down the hall, grabbing on to the wall for support. The kitchen smelled as bad as his bedroom but he just didn't care- there was no point to it all. He picked up the bottle of bourbon from the kitchen counter that he hadn't bothered to put the lid on the night before and shut his eyes tightly and chugged down a couple of mouthfuls anticipating the burn.

He took a few deep breaths, trying not to bring it all back up.

And then he began to cry. He knew it was pathetic, he knew he had gone too far, that the apartment was in a shambles and that if anyone was to turn up to check on him, they'd be worried.

… and yet none of it mattered.

He slumped down on to the kitchen floor and buried his face in to his knees like a regressed child and sobbed. He missed her so much; he didn't want to live a life without her and he didn't even care about pretending anymore.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed there, but he remembered taking off his shirt at some point, but he was certain the Vicodin was doing absolutely nothing at making the grief go away. He saw her presence everywhere; from the kitchen floor he could see a pair of flip-flops at the front door or of the apartment; they were waiting for her the same way that he was.

There were pictures of her on the refrigerator - some that he had taken with the dumb polaroid that he had bought for her that sat on the counter as if she was going to come out with her comfortable tights and a sweater and a handbag to place it in so that they could go and find their next moments to capture on a seemingly meaningless day out. He slowly, sluggishly pulled himself back to his feet and picked up the bottle and tumbled back to the bathroom.

He rifled through the cupboards, sending bottles and tubes of products flying — he dropped her make up bag on the floor and cosmetics shattered and smashed as his fingers struggled to work to pick up the very object he was looking for.

A small packet of oxy. If he felt like he needed one, he took two and chased it again with as much bourbon as he could tolerate. He held on to the sink, steadying himself, staring at the person who looked back at him with disgust.

"FUCK!" He screamed, sweeping his arm across the bathroom vanity with sudden rage, bottles jars and perfume flying across in to the tub, some smashing and some remaining in one peice. "Fuck…" he whispered again as the tears streamed down his face. His eyes lingered over his beard and the fact that he looked like he hadn't bathed in days — maybe he hadn't he had no concept of time anymore; there was just the before and after.

He watched his damp eyes spill over with tears with an unfiltered hatred that he didn't remember ever enduring in the past. The reflection that stared back with a hollow, empty expression; no joy, no pain — no spark — the lamp within him had burned out.

After wasn't really a concept that he was able to cope with — it had been a blur of loneliness, anger, sobbing and self-medicating. He didn't recognise the person that glared back at him; he was starting to blur and double. He turned around as if he would find the person he was just glancing at behind him.

He wiped his tears and in an effort to assuage the pain in that ripped through him, he splashed some cold water on his face.

And then he took another pill — just for good measure. He let it mellow, he started to feel himself grow sleepy and somewhere between his bedroom and bathroom he slipped, falling asleep on the hardwood floors, calling out to his wife as if she would run to his aid.

Only her presence could fix it…

/

Trevor walked in to his parents house. He had arrived in the late morning but had left again to go and visit with Lana's parents. He wasn't surprised that Raia had turned up. She had been texting him for the past month trying to guilt him in to it.

He loved his sister and appreciated everything that she did for him or tried to do for him, but there was just a lot between them that was unspoken and he had grown to resent her for it. He understood that people dealt with death in their own way, but it always just appeared to him like she didn't care and was happy to pretend that Lana didn't exist.

"Heeeey stranger," his dark-haired small-framed sister greeted him at the door with a big grin. For a moment he forgot his annoyance and felt the same relief to see her face too.

"Hi Ray," he smiled, pulling her in to his arms, kissing her, "good to see you…"

"You too—" she smiled up at him, looking at his face, observing him to make sure that his eyes were telling the truth. "You look really good," she remarked.

"Thanks, you do too…" he replied.

She let go of him and walked with him inside to where his Mom and Dad and nieces were, "the girls are really excited to see you," she told him, "Chloe!," she called, "Chloe, Uncle Trevor is here…"

He followed his sister through to the family room. His adorable 2 and a half year old niece looked up and broke in to a big grin. She had grown up in just a few months. He grinned back at her, greeting his mother and father who were entertaining Chloe's 13 month old sister, Sadie

"Hi baby!," he greeted her, crouching down. She made her way over to him but hesitated to get closer than a step away. He couldn't deny that it hurt just a little that she wasn't quite sure. "Would you like to give Uncle Trev a big hug?"

"Go on, sweetie," Raia urged her, "you've been talking all day about seeing him, you're all talk!"

Chloe glanced at her Mom and took a few steps closer, opening her arms out. He closed his eyes as the little girl cuddled in to his body. "Aww such a wonderful cuddle, it's so good to see you!," he told her, raising up to his feet, balancing her on his hip. "How do you like that, huh? Up nice and high in the air?"

Chloe giggled happily. He stroked her chubby little cheek. "You've grown up so much! Every time I see you, you are getting bigger and bigger… one day you're going to be bigger than me!"

"Say 'no, silly Uncle Trev, I'm not gonna be a giant like you…'" Raia laughed, poking her eldest in the belly.

Trevor smiled at his sister, "she's so sweet, I really did miss you guys," he admitted and he meant it too. Suddenly it felt very good to see them. "Where's Gav?"

"He's just finishing up a job for a friend and he'll come over a bit later," she replied.

"Great, it'll be nice to have a beer and catch up," He turned to his mother who was holding Sadie, Chloe's younger sister.

"Ok, Mama, time to hand over baby, Uncle Trev needs cuddles from both his favourite girls," he got close to his Mom and scooped Sadie up, manoeuvring her on his opposite hip, kissing her cheek.

Sadie wasn't one hundred percent sold on being held by someone she probably barely remembered. "This could go either way…" Raia smirked at her brother, "Aww look at you, sweetie, you're with Uncle Trevor, it's okay…" she soothed her daughter.

"Kids look good on you," his Mom remarked.

He glanced at her, the comment stung. He chose not to let it get under his skin, he ignored it, understanding that Raia also felt annoyed by it. "So are we doing a grill tonight, Dad?," he asked his father who hadn't said much, just watched on, marvelling over his most precious grandchildren.

Trevor bounced the kids and swayed them absently.

"Yeah, we'll grill some steaks and Mama's got all the other stuff prepared."

Trevor smiled.

"Oh yeah I may have put you in it," Raia chuckled, "little miss here has been begging for me and Gav to take her S-W-I-M-M-I-N-G in the P-O-O-L," she explained, referring to the huge inground pool that he and his sister spent a lot of time in growing up. "So I said you'd take her in there…"

"Oh great," he laughed, "thanks a lot… you're lucky its hot today."

"I'm not a monster, there's no way I'd let my daughter in the water if it wasn't hot enough," she replied.

It didn't take his sister long to have her phone out, taking photo of her brother with her two children. He chatted to the girls for a short while before setting them down and letting them play.

"Okay, so…what needs doing? What can I help with?" Trevor asked. Sometimes his parents left odd jobs to him that his father wasn't able to do unless Gavin got to it first. He glanced out the living room window to the huge yard.

"No, nothing, sweetheart, Gavin takes care of a lot… I was thinking I'll make something for us to snack on and we can sit in the kitchen and talk."

He hated the talking; everyone dancing around the subject of Lana. "I might mow the lawn before we get ready for dinner," he announced, "I can at least do that…"

"Gavin can do that," Raia told him.

"No," Trevor replied firmly, "I want to make myself useful in some kind of way… I'll mow the lawns."

"Thanks son, I'm sorry to burden you like that when you've come to relax," his Dad remarked, always feeling a little sheepish but after 50 years of working as a Plummer, his back was in no shape to be as mobile as he once was, some days having to endure chronic pain that stopped him from moving around too much.

"Don't be silly," he replied, "I love being able to help when I come here, you just have to say the word."

/

"Trevor your phone has been going off," Raia told her brother as he came back inside, sweaty and a little stinky after mowing the front and back yard.

"Oh…" he wasn't used to having people text him.

"Who's Olivia…" she asked curiously, bumping him with her hip.

"A friend," he replied, "mind your business. Now, can I tell Chloe that we'll have a little swim?"

Raia grinned, "Sure… I'll go get her bathing suit."

"And can you send me the pictures you took earlier?"

"Of course, sending them to Olivia, huh?," she winked.

"Don't Ray," he warned over his shoulder as he went to find his niece. "Hey baby, would you like to come for a swim in Grandma and Grandpa's pool with me?"

Chloe's eyes widened and she nodded, "Yeah!"

"I was hoping you'd say that! Mommy's getting your bathing suit, do you want to go put it on? I'll get us some towels.

Trevor was waiting for his niece. He let himself in the gated area around the pool and picked up the skimmer to get rid of any bugs and big leaves on the surface. He picked up his phone and sat down on the pool deck when he was done and read through a few messages from Noah, updating him as promised on how Ruby was doing.

He smiled at the teen's long, excited messages about how much fun they were having. He mentioned that he had taken her for a walk but he was leaving her for a few hours with Olivia so he could go and meet up with Adam and his brother to kick the football in the park.

Thanks for the updates, Noah. Have a great afternoon with Adam and his brother — work on your catching. You're gonna be great at our team trial game next week. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do.

He opened up the next message from Olivia. It was a picture of her on the couch with Ruby sprawled out on top of her under the blanket too. I think she's comfortable with me, what do you think?

He grinned, feeling his stomach flip-flop. I think my dog is very, very lucky. He hit send and then added more.

Here's a picture of me and my two nieces Chloe and Sadie. I'm about to jump in the swimming pool with Chloe. I just spent the past hour or so mowing lawns… I have to keep myself busy here. Looking forward to talking with you later.

"So who's the woman? Olivia?" Raia asked, startling him. "You should be able to tell your favourite sister," she added.

"My only sister," Trevor corrected her wryly.

"So….?"

"She's my friend, Ray, her son is one of my students and he's a really good kid going through a rough patch and I gave him a spot on my team to give him an outlet. His Mom, Olivia, and I have become friends, that's all, now stop harassing me so I can swim with my favourite little girls."

He couldn't help ignoring his sister for a moment when Olivia's name popped up again on his screen. He bit the inside of his lip to keep from grinning like a fool. I know I'm probably not supposed to say this, but the idea of you in the swimming pool doting on two babies is actually something that I wish I could witness.

"Uhuh," Raia smirked at her brother as he replied to Olivia with two blush faces. "Just a friend, we'll see."

Trevor put the phone down and dove in to the pool to stop himself from snapping at his sister. The water was refreshing after the lawn mowing in the burning hot sun. He swam the length of the pool beneath the water which wasn't hard when he had such height on his side.

He resurfaced when he got to the deeper end and pushed his hair out of his face, slicking it back.

"Okay, Chlo-chlo, we're going to swim!," He announced as Raia placed her daughter down on the edge of the pool. Without waiting for Trevor, the toddler launched herself at him. He quickly jumped forward and grabbed her.

"You're supposed to wait!" He laughed, sputtering some water. "Lucky Uncle Trev thinks fast."

/

"I could come up and play Fortnite with you if you like…" Adam suggested as they parted ways with his brother.

"Uh…" Noah thought for a moment, not wanting his friend to see Ruby and understand that he had somehow been in contact with Trevor. "Let me text my Mom, just in case she's got something going on," he replied. He pulled out his phone.

"Okay cool…"

Please don't say we are looking after Trevor's dog, Mom, I don't want anyone to make fun of me for seeing him outside of school, he told her after she had welcomed his friend.

She responded, Noah it's fine, I'm not going to say anything.

He put his phone in his pocket and motioned for Adam to follow him. "Mom said that's totally fine. She likes meeting my friends."

Adam smiled. "I think I know who your Mom is," he admitted, "once she gave a talk at my little sister's elementary school because there was a kidnapping close by and it turned out the kid was a boy from my sister's class so your Mom and another detective came by our house to talk to my sister…"

"Oh, yeah that was probably my Mom," Noah replied as he waved to the doorman. They waited for the lift patiently. "Did they find the kid?"

"Yeah, I think the Dad took him because the parents were fighting," Adam shrugged. "We were really scared though, you always get scared when cops at your house — but the male cop was cool too, he tossed the football with us downstairs so we'd calm down."

"I bet it was my Uncle Sonny," Noah laughed. "His job is always to calm and my Mom's the hero at getting the information."

Adam laughed too. When they got to the top, Noah led him to the front door and let himself in. Adam politely removed his shoes and followed Noah inside. "Hi Mommmmm!" Noah called out.

"Hi babe!, I'm just in the kitchen."

Noah followed her voice until he found her standing in front of the sink. "Hi Mom," he greeted her with a happy smile.

"Hello," she smiled at Adam, "Hi, you must be Adam."

"I am. Nice to meet you Ms. Benson," he took a few steps in and extended a hand to her. She shook it and noted that it was firm and he was sure to look her in the eye. Ruby came to greet the two boys.

"Nice to meet you too, Adam," she replied, "do you guys want something to eat? Adam, are you like to stay for dinner?"

He thought for a moment, glancing at Noah to see what he wanted him to do.

"You can stay if your Mom says its okay," he replied.

"Uh, I'll have to ask, thanks Ms. Benson."

"Please, you can call me Olivia," she replied. Noah crouched down and cuddled Ruby.

"Heeeey, is this Coach Langan's dog?" Adam asked point blank, "how come you have her?"

"Uh…" Noah glanced at his Mom for help.

"Coach Langan and I are friends," Olivia pitched in, "he asked if I would like to dog sit for him."

"Oh— I didn't know, that's so cool! He showed me some pictures of her once when we got our puppy," he told them. "She's so cute!"

He petted her dog too. Olivia caught Noah flashing her a smile of recognition for her white lie. She winked at him.

"So Adam, why don't you find out if you can stay for dinner and you can let your Mom know that if its okay, Noah and I can drop you off later?"

"Okay," he smiled.

"Honey," she said to Noah, "don't forget to offer your friend something to drink and show him where everything is."

"I won't…"

Adam was busy texting his Mom and eventually looked up and smiled. "Mom says I can stay for dinner, but I have to be home before 8:30 because we're going to my aunt's house tomorrow in Jersey."

"We'll make sure you're home by 8:30," Olivia confirmed. "Why don't you boys go and hang out and I can get you both some snacks and you can think about what you'd like for dinner and we can make sure its ordered early enough so you can eat and hang out."

"Thanks Mom," Noah grinned. He was grateful that his Mom always provided the most comfortable place for him and his friends. She usually made sure that they were set with something to eat and drink and then made herself scarce. She liked to give Noah the space he needed to have friendships that she wasn't interfering with.

Noah showed Adam to his room and let him know where the bathroom was before they settled in front of the TV, setting up the Playstation. Olivia set down a plate with some fruit and crackers and some potato chips with a can of soda each on the coffee table.

"Thank you!" Adam told Olivia with great appreciation. "Oh, we never have fresh pineapple at home," he remarked, "that's the best."

A pang of guilt hit Olivia, not wanting him to go home and make his Mom feel bad for the stuff she might not have been able to afford. "We rarely have it," she told him, "but enjoy it," she added.

"Thanks Mom, this is nice."

"You're welcome. Did you guys think about dinner?"

"Oh yeah can we just do pizza?"

Olivia was relieved. She didn't really want to have to leave the apartment to pick up food. "Of course. We'll order about 5:30. I'm gonna go and read for a bit, Ruby is coming with me so she doesn't help herself to some of that chocolate," she nodded to a few little squares of milk chocolate she'd set out.

"Okay," Noah agreed. "We're gonna play Fortnite."

"Enjooooy," she called over her shoulder as she headed to her room, calling Ruby who obediently followed her. Truthfully, she loved the company of Trevor's dog. It was so nice to have someone to cuddle and despite her promising herself she wouldnt allow the dog on the furniture, she had relented immediately; Ruby had such a beautiful, adorable face that she couldn't resist.

She patted her bed and the dog jumped up. She got comfortable and picked up the book beside her bed, grateful for some time to herself to be able to get a bit of reading done.

/

"So….have you met anyone yet, darling?" Trevor's Mom asked him just as he was putting the first mouthful of food in his mouth.

"Stop being so nosy, Georgie," Trevor's Dad, Patrick, cut in. "If Trevor wants us to know about someone, he will let us know."

"Thanks Dad," he replied, almost choking.

"I'm just asking! I'm worried about him being there in the city in that apartment all on his own."

"I'm not alone," he replied. "I have Ruby and I have friends and work and I've taken on the football team at the middle school — there's plenty of things going on to keep me busy."

"And he's got a friend," Raia couldn't help but remark, elbowing him.

He turned his head and glared at his sister.

"We-elll, it's true."

"Yes, so what, I've got a friend called Olivia," he sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Oooh," his mother seemed pleased as she poured some brown gravy over her potato. "Tell us about her?"

"She's a detective. She has a teenage son that plays on my football team. Her son is going through a tough time and if there was any romance between his Mom and I, he would flip and lucky there's not because I don't want that kid to freak out for no reason."

Gavin had put his hand on Raia's as if to tell her to stop teasing or pushing her brother.

"So how have you been?" Gavin asked.

"Thanks for asking, Gav — it's nice to be asked how I'm doing," he replied childishly. "I'm doing as good as can be."

"Yeah, tell us about the football team, are they paying you extra for that?" His father added, realising that his son was getting a little frustrated.

"Well, it's just a mish-mash of both really good kids and some of the badly behaved kids. I picked some of the good athletes at try-outs but I've also picked the underdogs too. I have a little bit of a strategy to teach them about team work, the kids that normally would avoid each other have to be in each other's face a bit…" he shrugged, "I don't know, it could blow up in my face or they might actually surprise me."

"And the game?" Gavin pushed, "Do you think they're a good team?"

"I think they're coming together. One of my kids— we recently discovered he is super fast so I think I'm gonna make him the quarterback, my old spot," he smiled. "And he's such a great kid, it's so nice to see him get some confidence about himself."

"That's great, Trev," his Dad smiled warmly at him. "Maybe Gav and I can come to the city for the day when your team finds it's groove, it'd be nice to see your team play."

Trevor nodded, "I'd love that, that'd be great… Let me whip them in to shape first."

He asked his brother-in-law about his business, trying to take the focus off himself and was thankful when his sister started talking about work. She'd left St. Catherine's almost immediately after Lana's passing and moved home for awhile until she found a hospital close to their parents. It had been a big move for Gavin, a lovely Hawaiian man who had spent most of his life in the city working at his father's shop. He loved Raia enough to understand that the city held too many memories and unlike her brother, she didn't enjoy basking in them, so they moved upstate and he started his own workshop. It'd been slow to start but from all reports from Raia it was doing very well.

Throughout dinner, Trevor didn't say much — he smiled at the right times, laughed and answered yes or no to the surface questions they already asked him when he'd arrived. It was painfully obvious that everyone ignored that Lana ever existed and the more time that passed without anyone mentioning her, the more frustrated he felt.

After, he offered to clean up the kitchen, needing some space. Everyone tried to insist that he retire to the living room, but he was firm. He wanted to do it and wanted everyone else to relax and they finally agreed after some negotiations.

It was around 8pm and he was hoping that soon his sister and Gavin would leave for the night. He wanted to go take a shower, read something and call Olivia.

"Hey kiddo, want some help?" Raia asked, coming up from behind, startling him. He dropped a baking dish in to the sink full of water. She laughed. "Why don't you just put that in the dish washer?"

"Because," he replied, "I want to do it by hand. It's relaxing."

"Weirdo…" she muttered.

"Ray, I can do this on my own, I don't need you to help me."

She sighed and stood beside him, leaning her back against the countertop. "Why are you so mad at me?," she asked, folding her arms. "Don't think I don't know you're avoiding us — me, I don't know."

Trevor said nothing, he continued to scrub away at the glass casserole dish, his frustration starting to rise up, filling his cheeks pink, warming them in a way that didn't feel good. He didn't want to be angry with her but it burned him every single time he came home that they were all so happy to bury Lana. He wasn't. He was always so disappointed that he couldn't talk about her without everyone exchanging awkward glances and doing their best to change the subject.

"Let's just leave it alone," he replied.

"Nope," she shook her head, "I don't want to leave it alone. I have two girls, they love their uncle and I don't want them to not get to see their uncle because he's mad and won't tell me why. When, if I'm honest Trevor, I have many reasons to be angry with you too, but I've forgiven them."

His interest was piqued and he was doing his best not to bite. "Right," he replied - his words tight and his body a little tense. "I really don't want to have an argument with you. I won't ever disappoint my nieces. I love them with all of my heart and you also know where I live, there's nothing stopping you from bringing them."

"Nothing except shift work and no end in sight to a healthcare crisis."

Trevor sighed. "Raia, you are my sister and I love you. I love you enough to not want to drag shit up that doesn't need to be dragged up."

She stared at him for a moment. "Yet… you don't know how it feels to try and try and try and try and try to build this bridge between us but to be constantly held at an arm's distance. We were never like this before."

"Before what?," he pressed, wanting her to say it. "Before what?"

"Before," she replied quietly.

"You can't even say her fucking name…" he remarked with a sigh. "And that's the problem, Raia. You can't even say my wife's name; your best friend."

"Like it's ever a good idea to bring her up around you. I am always on edge to hear that we've had a repeat of last time. How can I ever talk about her with you? I'm worried that you're going to go and hurt yourself if we constantly remind you of her."

He tipped his head back and laughed with frustration. "Wow, you're funny." He let go of the glass dish and took the dish towel from it's holder and wiped his hands.

"Can we please just get something out in the open?," he asked feeling fed-up of everyone's behaviour. "I am fine. But I also lost my wife just shy of 3 years ago as of a few weekends ago, I know you all like to pretend Lana never existed, but I can't and I don't. I feel like I'm living with my grief in a way that is reasonable for someone who lost the person who he thought he was going to be with forever… the fact that I can't even talk about her anymore is what keeps me away from you all."

Raia's eyes filled with tears. "I wish I could end that pain for you, Trevor, I do… you have no idea-" she paused to compose herself as her voice became too muffled by her own tears.

"Well then stop, Raia, stop pretending she doesn't exist. You guys ignoring her existence doesn't make me think of her less — it makes me feel alone. It's fucking isolating to have a head full of all these memories and no one to talk to about them, no one gives a shit that she existed except for Paula and Bob — you guys even pushed them away."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Do you know what it's like?," he asked, wiping some of his own tears away. "Every day I wake up alone. Every day I wake up thinking what my life would have been like if Lana hadn't died. I think about what I should have said that morning, what I didn't say, what I didn't have the chance to say… how I'd been a fucking dick the night before because I was tired and in a bad mood and I made her cry…" he tried his best not to break down. His sister was listening to him, tears streaming down her face.

"I think about how sad she was that she'd just got her period and how maybe I'd be a Dad or how we'd be living our dreams together…. I go to bed and I lay there thinking about how much I miss her. I cry alone. You know where I get my comfort?"

Raia wiped her eyes, noticing her husband walking in, probably listening to their raised voices. She held up her hand to him and he quickly backed out again. "I'm okay," she told him.

Trevor glanced over his shoulder but ignored Gavin. "I get my comfort from a fucking dog, Raia, not my family or my sister who loved Lana as much as I did…"

"I'm sorry," she whispered again. "But you don't understand what it was like for me either," she choked on a sob, "your grief consumed you, Trevor, you hid it from us and then you avoided us for months until I forced myself in to your place and …" she shook her head, "I thought you were gone…" she sobbed again. "I thought that you had done something so stupid—" she paused, "and you didn't give a fuck about me or anyone else or the fact that I had to find you on the floor of that bathroom, blood everywhere, vomit throughout the house and all over your fucking body…"

He wiped his eyes.

He pulled out a chair and sat down. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to compose himself. Raia sat too, sitting close to her brother, leaning over to touch his arm.

He remembered nothing of the night she forced her way in with Gavin, but apparently it had been serious enough to land himself a 5150 hold; until he could prove he was no longer a threat to himself.

/

Past

Somehow, somewhere he found some Adderall — he vaguely remembered confiscating it from a student who had been trying to sell them and forgetting to pass it to the admin or principal. He'd heard of it giving focus and that's what he needed since the Vicodin made it hard to see straight and the lorazepam he'd been given to help him sleep seemed to make it hard to even move.

He took two small Adderall pills and waited. He knew he should have felt focused but as he found himself staring at his reflection, he knew something was off about it.

"I blame you," he spoke slowly, slurring his words but with the venom that made him wonder if they'd really come from his mouth. His eyes lingered for a moment; disgust and vitriol filling him with rage, "I blame YOU!" He yelled.

He screamed the words over and over until an overwhelming wave of grief overtook him and he felt tears spilling down his face. He became aware he was clutching something so tightly that it was starting to burn his hand. He looked down, opening his fist to present a rare find of a small blister pack of lopazapam.

He couldn't remember how he got them, but it didn't matter. He had some ability to realise that he was almost hallucinating because he wasn't really sure what was real or what he was imagining. He started feeling a little paranoid. Still, he couldn't peel his eyes from his sweaty palm full of pills.

He promised himself he'd just take one and go to bed, ignoring the rhythmic thud in his ears like bass in the clubs he pretended to enjoy when he first began dating Lana.

Just one pill; not like the bunch of Adderall he'd taken. Or was it two? Was it even Adderall? He didn't remember. Maybe he imagined the Adderall.

It had obviously been a bad idea. Everything ached and so he ignored it. He wanted to leap out of his skin and run away somewhere along with piece of memory of Lana.

He took another pill and washed it down with some other bottle of spirits he'd found in the liquor cabinet. Vodka, he thought. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub. He knew he'd taken too much. He worried briefly that he'd done something a little silly.

He debated as to whether or not he should call a paramedic. Or his sister.

He didn't want anyone to know what he had become without Lana. "Fuck THAT!," he yelled, something fell on the floor, glass shattering and cutting him. He ignored the blood, he just didn't care.

He tried to move down the hall and to his bed. His legs felt like they didn't belong to him; as though gravity had more pull than usual. Once in bed, he wiped perspiration from his forehead and tried to sleep again. He tried to count to ten over and over to gain some focus and not become completely paranoid.

/

Trevor woke up later, he wasn't sure how long. He thought of calling Raia for help, but he couldn't; the embarrassment of her finding out what he'd done. He didn't want to overwhelm her with concern and didn't want his own failings with grief to rub off on to her when she was trying to heal just the same.

He saw the glint of the vodka bottle beside him on his bedside table so he eased up and took another mouthful; and then another. Another. It burned as it went down but the pain seemed to be just and with it came a little relief.

He went back to sleep for a few hours more. He sat up and tried to get some bearings. He eventually found some feeling in his body and forced himself in to the shower to wash off the vomit and some of the blood. He didn't bother getting dressed in anything but another pair of boxer-briefs and returned to bed; he would deal with the messy, smelly house later.

He discarded any thin urge to call someone and instead swiped the valium from the kitchen on the way and climbed back in to bed, taking a pill and waiting for it to help him sleep.

/

Present.

"Trevor, you don't realise what your grief almost did to you, I had to find it within me to drag a 6'5 man in to the shower to try to wake you up. You were so overdosed and I thought that was it. I sat with you under that shower until paramedics came, with my hand on your chest, checking your pulse because I was so frightened of what you did… and the fucking blood, Trevor…"

"That was an accident… the blood…" he murmured. And it was. He wasn't a fan of blood.

"Like it fucking matters!," the words exploded from her lips. "I didn't want to bring up Lana anymore because I found out what happened when I overwhelmed you with my grief and I don't think I could ever deal with losing another person. So I'm sorry if you feel like I did the wrong thing, but I was trying to protect you."

He wiped his eyes.

"Please, please stop fighting," their mother, Georgie entered the kitchen a little tearfully. "I understand you both have differences but…"

"Oh, this isn't just Raia," Trevor said, feeling a burst of annoyance with his mother's wallflower attitude to everything, pretending like the tension didn't exist. "This is an issue I have with all of you, trying to fucking erase Lana like she wasn't my wife; like she and I didn't have a life together."

"Trevor, honey, that's not-"

He stood up, the chair scraping on the tiles, "just stop! Stop making excuses, you all wonder why I don't fucking come here, this is why! The memory of my fucking wife isn't welcome here and therefore neither am I!" He glanced at his mother with a newfound fury, "you never liked her, you thought she wasn't good enough."

"Trevor, that's just not true," his mother replied.

"It is true," he spat back. "Deny it all you want, but I'm sure you were happy…" he shook his head. "I hate being here. I hate it. I can't stand being around you all when everyone is playing happy families. I am not happy!"

"Trevor that's enough," his father snapped. "That's enough, if you don't want to be here no one is forcing you."

He caught his mother's wounded expression and as he was about to leave the kitchen he spotted his niece in the doorway, staring, her mouth open before she began to whimper. Gavin scooped her up, glaring at him.

"I… I'm sorry," he realised his hands were shaking. He threaded past his Mom and Dad and headed to the guest room to cool down.

/

"Mom, did you like Adam?" Noah asked his mother after they'd dropped him off. "And his Mom?"

"Yeah," she smiled, "I liked him and it was really nice that his Mom remembered me too. She was really nice."

"Good. I wanted you to like him," he told Liv as they drove home. "I think it's been hard to make friends since Cooper left and it was nice that he's different to any friend I've had. I thought that we wouldn't have a lot in common because he hangs out with different crowds but we have a lot."

Olivia smiled. Noah was excited and talkative and it had been at least a week since they'd had so much as an argument. It was refreshing. "I'm glad you're making friends, babe. Trevor's football team might actually be surprisingly refreshing."

"Yeah…" his voice trailed off, "Imagine if Elliot was still around, he'd be over the moon that finally I was doing something manly," he made air quotes above his head.

"Honey, don't worry about anything Elliot said to you. He was a man who had his own set of hang-ups. He grew up in a house where it wasn't okay to cry and if he wanted to do things that didn't fit within some caveman idea of masculinity, it wasn't acceptable to his family."

Noah sighed, "But how come he was so okay with anything Eli wanted to do…"

"I think Elliot was looking for a way out of this with me even if he didn't realise it himself all the time. It wasn't about you and it probably wasn't even about me, it was probably more to do with the fact that he couldn't love himself and sometimes that stops us from loving others."

"Hm."

"You don't agree?" Olivia asked, wanting to open the discussion up for him.

"It's not that I don't agree, I just think…" he paused, "I don't know… I have difficult to explain feelings about Elliot."

"I know," Olivia reached over and touched his arm. "I do too and it's totally fine if you miss him or hate him or just feel a bit … angry with me about it all. I do regret letting him get too involved with you too soon, that was a big mistake."

Noah shrugged, "I don't want you to be upset with yourself… you didn't know that he was going to do what he did."

"I know, but…" she shrugged as she pulled in to their car garage. "I just felt like I should have protected you better."

"It doesn't matter, it's over now. If he ever shows up again though…"

"He doesn't exist to us anymore, babe. He can come here and he can knock or ask to talk or want to try to fix things and I will never ever so much as hear him out. He has nothing I want or need and nothing you want or need and whatever we have that he wanted, he lost it and that was his own doing."

"Have you heard from Trevor today?," Noah asked, curiously changing the subject.

"Yeah, a little earlier," she replied, "have you?"

"Yeah, I texted him some pics of Ruby when we went for a walk and I got myself a soda from the coffee cart and I got her a little pup cup."

Olivia laughed, "That's cute."

"Do you think Trevor's okay?" Noah asked, "he seemed sad this morning. I think he gets sad because his wife passed away."

"I know. Sometimes when someone passes away, when you're that close to them, it takes a very long time for your heart to heal and sometimes your family or friends don't like to endure the uncomfortable conversations…"

"Trevor told me that too, that makes me feel sad that he might not have anyone to talk to. I know he isn't gonna tell me anything, Mom, but maybe he'll talk to you."

"He will, babe," she replied. "We've talked about it a little bit today."

Once Olivia had parked, Noah made no effort to get out of the car. "Mom, can I ask you something?"

She stared at him. He avoided her eyes and looked ahead out the windscreen at the wall. "Uhuh."

"I just need to know… Aunt Amanda said something weird the other day when I called to see if we could invite Trev… she said I was being a match-maker. Are you interested in Trevor?"

She clenched her teeth. She didn't want to lie to her son, but she didn't want to tell him something that she didn't even know. "I think…" she began honestly, "I think Trevor is a wonderful person," she smiled at him, "and I won't deny that he's very handsome, but he has a lot of things going on in his heart, I know you understand that. And frankly, sweetheart, so do I and so do you. Maybe if the situation was different I'd have a different answer, but right now I am just very happy to have a friend who understands me and who also understands you— that's nice right?"

"Yeah," Noah smiled. "I'm glad you said that. I want you both to be happy but if anything romantic happened," his cheeks flushed at the mere idea, "I would be scared it might not work out and I'd be really sad and right now, I have this cool guy in my life that does some guy stuff with me and actually cares about me… that's all I ever wanted with Elliot."

"I know. I'm glad you feel that way. I would be worried about the same things."

They smiled at one another.

"Okay, come on, let's go upstairs and get ready for tomorrow."

/

Trevor heard a knock on the door. He turned around and found his brother-in-law. Gavin gave him a half smile. "We drew straws and I was told to come and harass you even though I'm pretty certain you might just need some time alone."

"I'm sorry," Trevor apologised, feeling guilty for firing up so aggressively. That was never how he had intended things to go. "I really-"

"Hey," Gavin held up his hand. "I don't want you to feel like you have to explain yourself. I have no issues with you talking about Lana." He offered him a smile. And it was true, when they hung out alone, his brother in law never shied away from asking or hearing about his late wife. "Wanna go sit outside and have a beer? We can talk about it or not talk about— it's really the ball in your court."

He thought about it for a moment. "Yeah… yeah let's do that."

"Okay, I'll go grab two beers and meet you out there, come out when you're ready."

/

Trevor felt weird; empty even as he found his parents and sister sitting on the couch. "I'm sorry for losing my temper…" he murmured a little sheepishly. "I didn't really want it to come out like that…"

He watched Raia wipe her eyes with the heel of her palm as Sadie climbed off her and walked over to him a little unsteadily. He leaned over and scooped her up off the ground and cuddled her. "Ray—" he glanced at his sister, "come over here, let me give you a hug."

"I don't want your hugs, Trevor," she replied with frustration tearfully.

"Darling, there was not one part of us that ever felt happy about what happened to Lana and we did love her very much for how happy she made you. You have to know that," his mother told him.

"I'm sorry I said that." He glanced to his sister, "Ray?"

"Trevor, I think you need to leave her alone. You were really rude and disrespectful in there-" his father admonished him.

"I know and I'm sorry." He ignored the disappointment on his fathers face and concentrated on his sister.

Raia covered her face, trying not to begin crying again since she had just calmed down. Trevor took a seat beside her, sitting his niece on the opposite side. "Raia, I'm sorry, I didn't want to fight with you but please, you have to understand how it seems from my perspective."

"I do," she let out a stream of tears. Trevor put an arm around her and drew his sister close to him. "I just hate that you think I don't care, you have no idea."

"This is why we just needed to talk rather than continually stoking one another," he admitted. "I love you."

He kissed her temple as she pulled away. She glanced at him, her blue eyes piercing his own, "I just thought I'd lost you too and I was trying my best to not let you get to that point again."

"I know…but I think we both missed the memo on that one."

She nodded. "Love you," she replied.

He got up. "I'm going outside to just … calm down a little with Gav. Do you have a blanket for this little one?"

He watched her wipe her eyes and nod. She got up and made her way to the pram and handed him the small baby blanket that his Mom had made when Sadie was born.

/

Gavin left Trevor alone after awhile, offering to take the baby in, but Trevor enjoyed the infant snuggled against him as he enjoyed sitting on a deck that overlooked his parents property - the novelty of being able to see the stars rather than pollution. His parents had come out to give him a kiss and a hug and to say goodnight. He knew all was forgiven even if he didn't feel like he entirely deserved it.

He spoke to his wife, begging for some of her strength to help him get through the grief; for a sign that it was okay to move on. He knew it was time, he knew he couldn't keep living the way he was, living as though she was going to come in the door any minute and pick up where they left off. He thought about Olivia and how he genuinely felt like Lana would have liked her.

At least, he thought she would have.

He heard the glass door opening behind him and saw turned to see his sister coming out. She put a fresh beer down for him and had one for herself.

"Trying to get me drunk, huh?"

Raia just smiled and took a seat. "How's my baby?"

"She's fine…she's sound asleep. It's actually so beautiful— to be so innocent and just content with everything, I wish they could stay like that forever…"

"Trev… I want to tell you something that I've never told you before."

"Sounds serious…" he turned to her, allowing her to open his beer.

"I don't want you to hate me but I haven't purposely kept this from you, it's just that there was never the right time."

"Okay, go," he told her, "say it… we'll work through it."

"The day Lana died, when she came in to the hospital, I saw her, I was with her until we got to the OR…we only got told about 2 minutes before the paramedics arrived that it was her… and it was pure adrenalin."

Trevor picked up the beer and took a long, steady gulp.

He could see his sister's fingers shaking as she did the same. He let out a calm, even puff of air, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. He hated to think about that day. It was by far the worst day of his life that signalled the feeling of before and after.

"She was conscious and she knew…"

"Knew what?" Trevor pushed. He had figured that Raia had been with her, he remembered the blood all over her uniform and knew it wasn't from anyone else.

"She knew she was going to die, Trevor. She asked for you and I got on that bed with her while they wheeled her toward surgery and I held her and she just…" silent tears slipped down her cheeks.

"I can't-" he could barely breathe, the admission sucking the air out of his lungs. He choked back a sob and took a deep breath.

"She knew what was happening, she asked at first if she was going to be okay but I think she could tell from my eyes so she began asking about you, she wanted to know how far away you were because I know she wanted to say goodbye. She knew she was in a bad way, she cried and I assured her you weren't far away and that you loved her so much. Eventually when they wanted to take her to surgery, she grabbed me tightly and the last thing she said to me was I love you and then please tell Trevor I love him so much."

Raia could tell that he was trying to hold back because of the baby that he held in his arms. His whole body trembled, his eyes were shut tightly and every few moments he let out short gasps so as to not break in to sobs and wake the sleeping child. "Its okay Trev, here… give me Sadie, I'll take her inside."

He allowed her to do just that.

She returned a few moments later and dragged her chair close to her brother. She took his hand. "I need you to know that immediately after she passed you were unreachable so I didn't say anything, I was waiting for you to get to the point where we could talk and then you started shutting us out and then you went to hospital… and we ended up with these walls between us…"

He wiped his eyes. "Did she really say that?," he asked, "she knew she was dying?"

"Yes. We see this thing at work often— right before death people become very … lucid regardless of pain or drugs or whatever, its hard to explain but it happens often and honey, please trust me when I say this — there was absolutely nothing anyone could have done to save Lana. Her injuries were so bad that I didn't even bother being careful when I was on that bed with her. I was with her the whole way in the OR holding her hand until they put they knocked her out so they could do the surgery. She was adamant that you needed to know just how much she loved you."

"I wish I had been there, at least I wouldn't go to bed with these fucking nightmares… I always dream that she's alone and I can't get to her and she's scared and there's nothing I can do and then I wake up and I think about that day…"

"Well she wasn't alone. I was with her and so were her colleagues, there was always someone with her that whole time, Trevor and she knew because I assured her that you loved her. She knew it too."

"I just miss her tremendously, Ray… I miss being able to talk to her…" he sighed, wiping his eyes. She squeezed his hand. "I miss… her making me try all these crazy foods and getting mad at me for doing stupid shit."

His sister smiled faintly. "I miss her too. I think about her every day and I wonder if she would love the kids like her own and how many babies the two of us would have collectively…" she sniffed and wiped her eyes. "But I can tell you this, no bullshit Trevor, Lana would have wanted you to be happy. We used to have those dumb conversations at work about what we'd do if something happened, would we haunt our husband's new girlfriend's from the beyond—-" she managed a smile at him. "And every damn time, she would say, 'I would just want Trevor to be happy'"

"I remember you telling me that shortly after she died, but I didn't want to be happy back then, I was still all consumed by my grief."

"How do you feel now? Do you feel ready to move on? Or are you just happy as things are."

He sipped his beer and shrugged. "So… I want to be ready. I dated someone once for awhile. She was really nice, but every time I saw her and spent time with her, I just felt like I was betraying Lana and when anything physical happened, I had to get out of there. She was understanding but she wasn't shocked when I broke up with her. It wasn't fair."

"I didn't know that… was it long ago?"

"About two years… I haven't really had anyone on my radar since." He paused, holding the bottle, peeling the label. "And now there's Olivia…"

"Tell me about her…"

He glanced at her and wiped his cheek. "I don't feel guilty after being around her and that's something new…"

"That does sound positive."

"She has some things going on… she's been burned pretty badly by her ex and she finds it hard to open up but we manage to talk and maybe for now that's all it has to be, just talking."

"Maybe," Raia replied, wanting to stay neutral.

"But I also feel very attracted to her," he admitted, "I haven't felt like that about anyone for a long, long time… you know, you get the butterflies in your tummy… the thing where you always want to call or text or update them… it's just complicated because of her son too."

"I get it, but Trevor, that all sounds really promising. A detective right?"

"Yeah… sex crimes… I feel like you and Lana would have liked her, her whole life is dedicated to helping people. She's just… a warm, kind person."

"Maybe I would like her," she smiled. "And Trevor, its okay to like someone or to date someone, shit…" she sighed, "even if you needed to sleep around-"

"Don't," he held up his hand and made a face. "That's not my thing… that would make me feel vapid and empty."

"I'm just saying…"

"Thanks Ray, I'm so sorry for ranting earlier, I've just had this rage inside of me and I don't know what to do with it…"

"Its okay. I just wished we had of talked earlier. We could have avoided this," she told him, giving his arm a squeeze.

They sat for awhile until his phone lit up and his sister laughed. "Late night texts huh?"

"We agreed I'd call her tonight… I admitted to her that I couldn't keep my eyes off her last night and that I can't stop thinking about her."

"Wow… so much for the complications," she chuckled. "What did she say?"

"She feels the same… but her son is her priority and I understand that. He's the kindest little soul and there's no way I want to cause any problems."

"Lana would be really proud of you, Trevor, I promise."

"Thanks…" he murmured.

"I'll leave you to call her. We have to get the kids home. Do you want us to come around tomorrow or do you think you want some space with Mom and Dad?"

"Please, come around… Dad invited Russell and Heather for some reason, he thinks I want to see them," he chuckled.

"Maybe you should invite Paula and Bob and we could try to cheer them up a little. Ill make Mom and Dad super uncomfortable by discussing all of our memories with Lana…"

Trevor laughed. "We should invite them… let me see what the vibe is in the house tomorrow."

She got up and kissed his cheek. "Love you, don't stay up too long with your lil girlfriend."

He swatted her away.

/

Olivia checked in on Noah and lifted her phone to see Trevor's response. She grinned as he sent her a picture of him cuddling an infant. He wore a pair of glasses and looked sweet and content with his baby niece bundled up in a baby blanket. She had to admit, she was a little jealous. She saved the photo of him to a hidden album so that Noah wouldn't come across it.

Thanks Olivia, it was nice to have that time with the both of them today. I'm thinking, I've turned the light on out here on the deck, I've poured myself a whisky and soda — maybe you should pour yourself a glass of wine or vodka and we could do a video chat…

She loved the idea of having a real conversation with him. She figured she could go sit in her closet on the floor — the clothes worked as sound-proofing. She tapped out her response to him. That sounds wonderful… Give me ten minutes to get myself organised with a drink and make sure Noah is okay and that your baby is good too.

Trevor smiled with satisfaction as he replied with a smile and a thumbs up.

/

Olivia got comfortable in her closet. She sat on the floor and leaned against a bunch of shelves. She took a couple of mouthfuls of wine and let it rest on her tongue, catching her breath. She glanced at herself in her phone and made sure she looked okay. She took a deep breath and let it out slow.

She hit call and seconds later he picked up. He was smiling but he looked tired. His eyes were a little red. "Hello," she smiled back. She suddenly felt a little shy and self-conscious.

"Hello beautiful," he replied, the smile not leaving his lips. "How was your night?"

She tried not to deflect his compliment and also tried not to blush too. "Hmmm, it was interesting. I had two teenaged boys under one roof yelling at the TV playing some stupid video game, greasing up everything with pizza fingers," she told him with a little laugh, "they sent Ruby in to exuberant barks with excitement which they thought was fantastic…"

"Wow, sounds like it was busy. What were you doing? Praying for it all to end for peace to be restored quickly?," he wondered propping his phone up on the picnic umbrella branch that stuck out of the middle of the outdoor table.

She sighed, "Sort of, but there was a part of me that was so happy to see Noah with a friend — he's not really had any friends since Cooper's Mom told him he wasn't allowed to see him anymore and changed schools."

"About that…" Trevor began, "I have a little story that might make you feel really good as a Mom."

"I'm listening…" Olivia told him with a little laugh as she sipped her wine.

"Noah came in to my office the other day and discussed with me what happened with the Science Lab fiasco… and I can say with great confidence, that I actually don't think your son was involved at all, but he was put in an uncomfortable situation where his loyalty cost him a little more than a friendship."

Olivia took a mouthful of wine and stared back at the handsome teacher. "Hm…" she thought for a moment, "Are you sure?"

"He cried, he was emotional, he said that no one liked him, that Cooper's Mom said some horrible things about him-"

"That she certainly did," Olivia replied, "so you really don't think he had anything to do with it?"

"He told me he made the mistake of putting the idea in Cooper's head. It was just a silly idea that occurred to him that if he turned the gas up it'd cause a cartoon-like kaboom," Trevor couldn't help but to laugh.

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Silly…" she sighed with a laugh. "I'm relieved, if I'm honest."

"You should be, Noah said he really didn't want to upset anyone… he said that Cooper must have got scared and then just dragged him down too…"

"Unfortunately this isn't the first time his kindness has got him in to trouble," Olivia told him. "But thanks for telling me… gosh, that poor kid, the way I yelled and punished him. I was seriously wondering where the hell I'd gone wrong — and Cooper's mother, holy shit she ripped us both out and all the while it was her little shit kid…"

Trevor laughed, "ballsy move letting your friend take the fall for something he literally had no part in."

"Right…"

"Soooo….how did you find Adam?" Trevor asked. "Nice kid, huh?"

"Yeah," she smiled, "really nice and so nice to see Noah look happy and free again. And what about you? Tell me how your night went…"

"Oh," he laughed, "I don't think you want to know about that. I'll spare you."

"Aw, no… come on, I wanna hear, good or bad."

"Honestly, I'm still a little emotional and I don't know if I'm ready for you to see me becoming emotional."

Olivia finished off her glass of wine. "Do you need a refill?" Trevor asked with a little smile. She held up the bottle beside her. "Don't change the subject." He watched her pour the drink. She found a place for the phone that she was happy with and pulled out a cushion and leaned against it. "We're human, Trevor, we have emotions… I don't care if you're emotional. Seeing family can cause us all to feel a certain type of way."

He nodded slowly. "I had a melt down," he admitted finally after a long silence. He then chuckled with embarrassment. "I guess since Lana's passed, no one talks about her. She was my sister's best friend. They were so close and its like they've all tried to erase her and I hate coming here because it's the elephant in the room and it's just…. This big fake orchestration because they think I'm going to lose it."

"Mmm…" Olivia listened. "That must feel frustrating. What happens when you bring her up?"

"They change the subject," he replied. "And then tonight my sister was just poking the bear and I told her repeatedly that it was best if we just agreed that neither of us wanted to argue but she pushed and pushed and pushed— and before I knew it everyone was crying."

Olivia couldn't help but to laugh, "sorry Trevor, I'm not laughing because I think any of this is funny, I guess for me it's just-"

"Its okay Liv, I know…. But… I do think it was good. We got it all out in the open and just before I called we were able to talk more calmly."

"That sounds like progress. How do you feel right now?," she asked him.

"Right now I feel like there's a weight gone and I always feel really good talking to you," he smiled adoringly in a way that she could barely stand to look at his beautiful face.

"Oh, Trevor…" she murmured, covering her face, blushing. He laughed. "Its true," he replied.

"So what was your sister's reasons for not bringing Lana up?"

Trevor thought about how much he wanted to tell her. "I guess after Lana died I was unwell mentally and emotionally and my family were worried about and rightly so. I didn't deal with Lana's death too well… I mean, I probably still don't. I miss her so much," he admitted, "and it's her presence or memory threaded in almost every detail of my life so I feel like if I can't share my heart with my sister, who knew and loved her too, then I have no one."

"I'm sorry. I know I didn't know her, but you can always talk to me about her," Olivia offered.

"I know and I'm so grateful for that…there's a part of me that feels awkward talking about her with you because I've just told you that I basically feel things for you that one part of my brain tells me I shouldn't but the other part of my brain says, 'it's time, Trevor'"

Olivia shook her head. "Honey, remember I told you awhile back that you should find someone who is comfortable being around you and comfortable enough to let you feel your grief— that just because you have history with the loss of a spouse, it shouldn't be a reason for her to feel second fiddle or to compare the two relationships?"

"Yeah…" his voice trailed off.

"I think you can absolutely fall in love while not entirely shutting out your past or acknowledging your wife. Those bits of grief will always come and go for the rest of your life. You could be married in ten years time to someone new and your grief will still come and go in waves and whoever that person is with you at that time has to be okay with that because you will still need comfort and understanding and an open space for you to be able to talk about Lana."

He nodded, "where did you come from, wise Olivia Benson?," he smiled, feeling a little choked up all over again. "I think I have something in my eye," he remarked with a little chuckle when tears began to well up.

"I'm very empathetic when people I care about have things in their eyes, I get things in my eyes too." She replied with a little laugh. He glanced at her and saw that her own eyes were glassy.

They both managed a laugh. "Sorry Liv, it's been an emotional night. I didn't expect to be duking it out with my sister and accusing my Mom of dumb shit…"

"Don't ever be sorry for your emotions, Trevor, that is one thing with me, I will never judge you or think anything about it. I'm an emotional wreck most of the time," she admitted, "I just come in here…" she glanced around her walk-in-robe, "close the door and cry so my kid can't hear me because apparently, according to him, he can hear me when I'm in my bathroom."

Trevor laughed. "Hey… next time call me, when you need to cry or you're feeling overwhelmed— call me. I won't think less of you either, I'm the biggest crybaby in existence."

"Oh," Liv laughed, "we're going to be a real pair aren't we?"

He smiled a little contently. "I feel happy when I talk to you," he admitted, "I don't feel that pit of emptiness I feel otherwise. You know that itch that you can't seem to scratch? That's how I feel when I'm alone for too long."

"You make me feel happy too," she replied, "and its a long time since I've felt like that."

"I'm glad you feel that way but then there's the flip side, honestly, I'm just so reluctant to get in to anything with another person without knowing if I can continue it. Already I feel guilty that I may be being unfair to you." He paused, "I don't want to get in to it too much, but I needed a lot of help existing immediately after Lana died and I'm sometimes scared of being so overwhelmed that I drive myself to the same kind of thing that happened after her."

"Can I ask? What happened?"

"Mmm…" he considered it, "maybe it's a conversation for in person over a couple of glasses of wine."

"I understand."

He saw the disappointment crossing her face with all that he'd just said and felt bad.

"Well, I'm still raw about a lot of things too. Plus, you're my kid's teacher and I don't actually think he'd respond very well if anything went beyond friendship…"

Both of them fell silent, lost in thoughts about their hopeless situation - both of their fears and uncertainties polarised suddenly.

"And yet…" Trevor began, "despite all of that, I still can't stop and don't want to stop thinking about you or talking to you, or seeing your face… I just want to make you smile because that smile is …" he smiled at her thinking about it, "its just incredibly beautiful… dazzling even."

She laughed. "Well… fuck," she remarked, causing him to laugh too, "I don't even know what to say or how to respond to that, Trevor…" she thought for a moment, "I don't think anyone has ever said to me before. I like that you want me to smile."

"I know you have so much shit going on in your life that we haven't even touched the surface of, but I want to hear about it all and I never want you to be ashamed of anything — especially given the level of trust I've got in you."

She reached up and put a hand to her chest and smiled at him, "Thanks Trevor, that's… one of the kindest things anyone's said. Can I be honest?"

"Of course," he nodded, "always be honest with me."

She bit her lip for a second, thinking about how she could word what she wanted to say. "I spend so long in this job talking for others or helping others find the right words or assuring them of the validity of their feelings and it's what I do best. I am so good at helping people communicate things that can be sometimes unspeakable."

"I have definitely picked up on that," Trevor remarked.

"And I love it, it makes me feel worthy, I feel like its my purpose both outside of work and inside of work— but I find it so hard to open up to others about me because people get so used to venting to me, sharing heavy stuff with me that at times they forget to want to know about what's going on inside my own heart and so long spent not being asked as put this wall up… and I just find it very hard; guilt too. I don't know… that probably sounds stupid," she took a mouthful of wine, feeling it slowly unwinding her.

"That doesn't sound stupid," he replied, "in fact, I recognise that in you and that's why I told you pointedly, that I want to know about you. I want to know about your past, how you became a Mom, what happened with Elliot, what life's been like for you… I'm an empath too, Liv, this is why I have an open-door policy with any student of mine, it's why I try so hard with these kids — I never ever want anyone to feel the way I feel sometimes or worse, the way I felt in the past."

"I appreciate that so much… I just know this is complicated."

"Yeah, it's complicated. Sometimes good things are. But right now? I think we should just concentrate on giving each other reasons to smile and take it day by day, visit by visit or … phone call by phone call."

She smiled at him. "Smile by smile," she offered.

He grinned back. "Exactly…. And oh my stars you have the most wonderful smile, Liv…"

She giggled a little bashfully. "Thanks, you are incredibly handsome, I think you should know that… you look really hot with those glasses."

He started to laugh. "Thanks, I think… my sister calls them my dork goggles."

"Hey how did things end up with your sister?"

"Nicely. I'll see her tomorrow when we're less emotional. We both needed to get everything out in the open… maybe it was good that it happened."

"Sometimes you need a really good fight to repair what's been hurting for so long — everyone getting their feelings on the table, its sometimes make or break but you guys seem like you were always close, so it'll probably be just the cure."

"I think so. I guess once we've been alone with our feelings, we can come back to it tomorrow with less emotion and talk again and get anything else out there."

"And you're back on monday?," she wondered.

"Yeah, I'm not going back to work til Tuesday…"

"Well, I actually have Tuesday and Wednesday off work," she told him, "do you have any idea when you might want to pick up Ruby?"

"I miss her and she's my perfect sleep aid for comfort so maybe some time on monday? I don't know — you tell me when the best time for you is."

"Anytime. Just give me some notice so I can make sure you don't see homely Olivia."

They both laughed. "No such thing…" he shook his head slowly.

"Well… I have to get up early because I'm taking Noah to Sonny and Amanda's house. They're taking him and Jesse to some basketball game and I'm trading my kid for Billie."

"Is she okay, Billie?" Trevor asked, "I mean… I always worry when kids seem so introverted."

"Yeah, she's okay. She's just … not as outgoing and I think Jesse's confronting personality shrinks her more. She gets bullied a little at school, we're trying to sort it out."

"Hmmm okay."

"You think something else is going on?" Olivia asked him, feeling herself getting slightly defensive.

"I don't know… I just always worry when I see a child who's withdrawn when she looks like she has a happy well-adjusted family, but you know her better than I do and you also pick up on things better than I do," he shrugged. "She just really was obsessed with you which, you'd know from your job shows that she finds you to be a safe haven."

"Maybe she has some abandonment issues. Sonny isn't Jesse or Billie's biological Dad. Jesse especially would remember Billie's Dad and maybe there was some attachment there — but he dipped and Sonny has been around for all the hard yards right back to when Amanda was pregnant with Jesse… there's a study I read recently on this, about kids who might not have even had a lot to do with their biological parents still can form attachments even in infancy that they might get triggered by when they get older forming relations…"

"So yeah, maybe it's just that," he paused, "and by the way, I'd be very interested in reading that study."

Olivia smiled too. "Is this what we're gonna do? Make each other smile and share dry-reading information for fun?"

Trevor laughed. "Absolutely, it is." He finished his drink and set it down beside him. "Okay listen, I'm gonna let you go to bed and I'm gonna attempt to sleep without my furry little lady beside me-"

Olivia laughed with him, "that sounds … suspect."

"I bid thee a good night, Olivia, I hope you have the most wonderful, sweetest dreams — may you and Noah both wake up on the right side of the bed and you both have great days tomorrow. Send me some updates, make me smile— I'll try to do the same."

The butterflies filled her stomach as he gazed at her adoringly, not even trying to hold it back anymore.

"Goodnight Trevor, I hope you sleep well. Text me if you can't… I hope everything is smooth and nice tomorrow. Also, maybe a pic of you in the pool - that'd make me smile."

He let his mouth drop open, "Olivia if I didn't know any better, I would think that you're asking for a cheque that I just can't cash."

"I bet you can," she replied with a little wink but then laughed in spite of herself. She knew she was a terrible flirt.

"Goodnight Olivia," he said again. She gave him a wave and he hung up. He got up from the outdoor setting and let himself inside. He went and brushed his teeth and got in to bed.