Thank you for the kindness of your responses to this story. So many of you are so invested. I hope this chapter serves as a relief. :)
"Mom, I don't feel good…" Noah murmured, "I feel like barfing," he complained.
Olivia sat beside his bed and stroked her son's hair. "Oh sweetie, do you want to try eating something or having a shower and seeing how you feel?"
"Mmm…" he mumbled, forcing himself up. He looked a little pale. Olivia held her hand to his forehead. He was a little warm. She allowed him the room to get up and go to the bathroom. She slowly made her way to the kitchen with Ruby trailing behind her with a yawn.
She heard the toilet flush and the water come on before hearing her son start vomiting.
She moved fast to the bathroom almost tripping over Ruby who was also on the hunt for the source of the noise. "Sweetie, can I come in?," she asked, not waiting for an answer. She pushed open the door and found him buckled over the toilet bowl. "Oh, Noah…" she held his mop-like curls back out of the way and rubbed his back while he vomited all of his dinner from the night before.
Once he was done, she ordered him back to bed. She picked up her phone and went through Noah's class directory, thinking there was a chance he could have had food poisoning. She wasn't sure of Adam's last name but eventually found the only Adam in Noah's grade and immediately recognised his mother's name beside it. She was thankful that there was a cell number supplied.
Hannah, Adam's Mom answered on the second ring. "Hi Hannah, it's Olivia Benson, I'm so sorry to call so early-" she greeted the woman.
"Oh! Olivia I'm so glad you called, I was just foraging around for your number — is your little boy sick too?"
"Yes!" She held her forehead, "Noah just woke up vomiting and I feel awful, I just wanted to check in with you about Adam."
"Oh, he's been up and down vomiting since around 3:30 this morning, poor thing… so food poisoning, do you think?"
"Yeah… and I wasn't even the one cooking," she tried to joke, "I am so sorry, I know your family had plans today…."
"No, its okay Olivia, to tell you the truth, I was looking for a reason to get out of the drive to Jersey," she replied. She sounded genuine. "Its a rare opportunity to have a day or two off in a row and I don't want to spend it with people that, besides family, I don't really care to see."
Olivia laughed, "I can relate to that… listen if you need anything or if Adam needs anything, please let me know. Please feel free to call me anytime. Noah was supposed to go to a basketball game with his Uncle and Aunt but I doubt he'll be doing that."
"Same, Olivia, if you need anything send me a message. Our boys seem like such good friends already and Noah is a real sweetheart, he's welcome here anytime. Adam raves about him."
Olivia found herself smiling. "They really do. It was nice to properly meet you as a Mom last night rather than a cop. Thanks Hannah. I'll update you on how Noah is, will you update me later on Adam?"
"Of course. Have a nice day."
"You too," she replied before hanging up.
She made her way back down to Noah's room. She took him a glass of water. He was shivering a little. "You poor thing. I think the pizza was bad, sweetheart. Do you want me to call Uncle Sonny and tell him you can't come?"
"I wanna go…" he whined.
"I know honey, but I promise there will be another time. I think you better stay in bed with Ruby today, k?"
He nodded, grumbling. She rubbed his back. "Get some rest, I'll bring you something for your tummy and get you a barf bucket in case you have a barfing emergency."
Olivia shrugged her cardigan off her shoulder and sighed deeply. She texted Amanda, still offering to take Billie for the day and then she couldn't help herself, she sent Trevor a good morning text — shockingly before she'd even made her coffee.
Amanda replied shortly after she sat down at the dining table with her glasses and iPad so she could read the news. They were sorry to hear Noah was so unwell and that Billie would take his place instead.
/
"Heyyyyyy! Come herreeeeee little munchkins!" Trevor set the coffee's down on the table inside Raia's doorway and got on the ground to meet Sadie and Chloe who ran at him as he made it in to the living room, "Uncle Trevor is here to see Mama and Daddy!"
Both girls giggled and laughed as he scooped them up and covered them with kisses, tickling them. Chloe shrieked and wriggled away.
"Thanks Trevor, for riling up my kids before I've even had time to make them breakfast," she told him humourlessly.
He started to laugh and got back up to his feet and grabbed the coffees, "here…"
"Ugh… why are you so happy? It's Sunday and its … fuck 7:45? Trevor what the fuck…"
"Hey, don't you use that language where my nieces might hear you," he warned her with a silly smile.
"Yuck, you are far too much of a morning person."
"And you must be a real thrill to work with on the day shift," he muttered. "I thought we could go for a walk if Gavin was up and about."
"Shocker, he's not. He's asleep like a regular person…"
"As if you wouldn't have had to get up for the girls anyway?," he offered, finding Raia's lack of good mood to be a little amusing to him.
"They get up and I bring them in to our bed for cuddles and then they usually fall asleep again until a more palatable hour."
"Fine, go back to bed, I'll look after them and make them breakfast. What do they eat?," he asked.
"Would you really do that?," she asked with a little smile. "Do you even know how to cook?"
He cocked his head with reproach. "Yes, Ray, I know how to cook. I live alone, how do you think I've been getting along all this time? Uber Eats?"
She shrugged, "I don't know…"
"I'm serious, if you want to go back to bed, you can leave me to feed the girls, I'm responsible, I promise."
She laughed, "I know you're responsible, I'm not an idiot… Okay well I'm going to take you up on that offer because I never get to be the one to sleep in and I am so fucking tired after last night. Sadie has her sippy-cup half full of warm milk and Chloe likes to choose between toast or cereal. And only put like a tiny bit of milk because she eats the cheerios with her fingers one by one, it's slow and torturous but you've got this."
"I do have this," he smiled. "Sadie doesn't eat anything?"
"Oh she does, but good luck figuring out what it is that she wants today… it could be fruit, cheerios, toast, but don't cut the bread the wrong way or give her fruit of the colour she doesn't like today… happy Uncle-ing."
"Wow, maybe I'll need to drink both your and Gav's coffee too."
"Ha, not likely." She swiped both cups. "If they start wearing you out, just turn the TV on, they're both mesmerised by some weird song thing on YouTube, it'll be the first video that comes up because that's all we watch these days."
"Okay I'll work it out, go have a lay down. Bye, get lost, when you wake up we're definitely taking a walk and can you wake up in a better mood, thanks see ya."
Raia ignored him, glancing at her kids in the living room. She went to explain that she was going to have a lay down and that their Uncle was going to get them some breakfast.
Chloe started to whine that she wanted to go with her Mom, but Trevor stepped in quickly. "Hey! You want to go to bed?!," he asked her incredulously, "and go to sleep?! You don't even want to hang out with Uncle Trev while he makes you whatever you want for breakfast!?"
Chloe laughed. Raia smiled, "He said anything Chlo-Chlo, you know what that means, Uncle Trevor can make you some pancakes!"
"Ooooft," he shook his head at his sister, "that's cold…" but he didn't mind, Chloe began to whistle a different tune. "You know what? I can make you banana pancakes. Do you like banana?"
She nodded, "I love banana!"
"Okay, wave good night to Mommy." Chloe turned to her Mom and waved as Trevor picked up Sadie. He held out his hand to the eldest of the two girls and led them in to the kitchen. "Okay, let's get Sadie something to snack on and you can be my big girl helper, would you like that?"
Chloe nodded with a smile. Trevor smiled back and slotted Sadie in to her highchair and strapped her in. He gave her a choice between honey cheerios or rice pops. She chose the honey cheerios. He spread some out on the highchair tray. "Okay, Uncle Trev is going to get you some milk and then we'll make some pancakes," he informed the youngest who excitedly hit the tray.
He was happy for the time spent with them, taking some photos to send to Olivia after breakfast.
He felt so content when he woke up and she was the first person that entered his brain. It was almost an event - he couldn't believe how he had easily drifted off to sleep with the warmth of their conversation still replaying in his mind.
He and has father had had a nice talk in the morning about Lana and he received an apology from both of them, not realising how their lack of discussing his wife had scarred him.
He was ready to smooth things out with Raia, he thought coffee would be a peace offering, but it turned out sleep as a mother with two children under the age of three was more deeply desired and he could work with that.
/
"Oh my gosh, you're an angel," Raia appeared at the backyard door looking disheveled and half asleep, "it's almost lunch time, shit. I haven't slept that solidly for about 3 years," she joked glancing at her two clean-faced and clean-clothed children who were playing happily in the yard. "Shit you even had to do diaper duty…"
Trevor shrugged, "I had a little helper. It's been awhile, but we managed, didn't we sweetheart?," he asked Chloe who nodded. "How'd you sleep?"
"Like a brick… thanks Trev, we really appreciate it. Gav's just having a shower and when he's done we can go for a walk and he can relieve your duties…"
"Anytime. There's still some pancakes left over on the counter… why don't you go eat and get another coffee and we'll come in in a few minutes."
She was impressed with the level of care and interest he showed in the girls. She knew there was some pain sometimes stemming from the fact that Lana had been trying so hard to become pregnant at the time of her accident. Raia was unsure about sharing her own pregnancy with her, not wanting her to feel bad.
She sighed deeply. She knew that if Lana was around she'd have fallen in love with the girls and she would have been so proud of Trevor for how much love and gentleness that he showed for them.
/
"So… what's on your mind?," Raia wondered as they strolled down the road toward the park.
"I guess I just wanted to clear the air once we had both had time to let our emotions settle after last night," Trevor replied, "and I wanted to say that I was sorry for yelling at you and being so mean…"
"No, I don't think you were mean, I think you were honest and emotional and fed up with us all trying to placate you and I didn't even think about how you might find healing in talking about Lana…"
"Yeah but- I guess I can see your point. You couldn't even mention her name to me immediately after she died without me absolutely breaking down." He paused and sipped the coffee she had made him in a re-useable cup for their walk. "And another thing…" he stopped when they got to the edge of the park. Raia stopped too, looking up at her incredibly tall brother. By comparison, she got the short end of the stick when it came to genetics, barely making it to his chest height. "Raia, I mean this so sincerely when I say it; I am so sorry for how you found me in my apartment that night. I'm so sorry for what trauma that must have caused you and for how scared you must have been. It was so selfish and so cruel of me to have never acknowledged how you were almost 7 months pregnant and stressed out by me. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't so I just want to say that I'm so sorry."
He cleared his throat so it didn't become thick with emotion.
Raia's eyes filmed over but she blinked them back. "Thank you," she murmured. She cleared her voice too and then half-laughed. "Wow, I never realised how much I needed to hear that apology."
He gave her a weak smile. "I'm not proud of any of it, in fact, from a better space with grief now, I am a little ashamed because I never, ever thought I could have a drug problem, I always thought I was too good for that."
"Can I ask, I don't think you ever were straight with me about it, but were you trying to suicide?," she wondered.
"No…" he shook his head, "I wanted to, I thought about it, but I did have everyone in the back of my head but … I guess I didn't necessarily care if something bad happened," he replied. "And then after I started that spiral of taking drugs to make everything feel numb, I slept a lot or passed out a lot chasing dreams of Lana but they were always nightmares and so I kept trying until I remember…" he thought hard, "its kind of blurry, but I do remember at a certain point thinking I should call the paramedics but I didn't want to get better, so I just took another bunch of pills and chased it with alcohol and forced myself to sleep again."
"I can't imagine the pain you must have been going through, it makes me so sad that you felt so alone but you really avoided us."
"Yeah… because then I couldn't talk about her death. Every tiny thing was a reminder of her — you especially because of how close you were. Every time I walked in the room Lana was texting you, I remember it really irritating me sometimes," he cracked a smile, "but now I'd give anything for you to still have that friend."
"I know…" she murmured.
They began walking again, slower. "I miss her," Raia told him gently, "especially when the kids have milestones or when something happens for Gavin and I and I realise I have no one to tell who will get excited with me."
"You can always tell me…"
"I can't tell you about my sex life, Trevor, that's disgusting."
He made a face, "you guys used to tell each other things about your sex lives?"
"Well we had a rule in place with you because it was too weird. No details were allowed, unless she was having a genuine sex problem which thank goodness she never did," she laughed uncomfortably, "but I could tell her whatever I wanted."
Trevor laughed, "wow, and I thought it was a myth that women shared this kind of stuff with each other— is this all women or just your and Lana's weird thing?"
Raia was laughing, "Oh honey, women tell each other everything in great detail too. Size, girth, how long they last, how good they are at everything else, when men are being assholes we call and vent about that too, and talk shit about packing our bags and leaving when we know that's never going to happen."
"Wow… I wonder if Olivia is talking to her friend about me."
She began to laugh, surprised that he was sharing his thoughts about Olivia so openly. "Wow, that's new… I guess the talk went well last night?"
He smiled. He pulled out his phone and sometimes was confused by the juxtaposition of having a photo of him and his late wife as his background, but also opening his gallery multiple times to look at the photo that Olivia had sent him of herself and his dog on the couch that Noah had taken the night before after his friend left. Ruby was mid-lick of her cheek, Olivia was mid-laugh and wincing in disgust but she looked gorgeous and he really couldn't get over it.
"Want to see what she looks like?," he asked.
"Of course… show me." Raia knew he liked this woman, he could see it all over his face, but she couldn't help but to think he was holding himself back out of guilt. He opened the photo and handed her his phone. "She and her son are looking after Ruby."
"Oh…" Raia smiled, Olivia wasn't really how she had imagined her but she was gorgeous, he was right about that. "She's really beautiful. She has a gorgeous smile. She looks like she adores Ruby too."
"Right?," he took his phone back and stared at it for a moment and gave a wistful sigh before putting his phone back in his pocket. "She's just such a good person. Last night was a chat we both needed and I think that we both need to do a lot of talking. She's so good at saying the perfect thing, you know? She told me grief is going to be a thing that is going to stay with me forever — and she's right and that its okay to be in love with someone new while still grieving the loss of someone who was a very big and special part in my life. She's never uncomfortable when I talk about Lana, she asks questions about her and doesn't mind if I get sad…"
"As long as you understand you can't compare the two, you know?" Raia added thoughtfully. "Because if whoever you're with — Olivia or other is giving you that space, you need to understand how big that is, a lot of people wouldn't be good at understanding why you would still need to keep a place in your heart for someone in your past and would equate it the same as an ex-girlfriend or an ex-wife."
"I know," he nodded, "but that's what separates the woman I need, who gets it and a woman who maybe hasn't had to deal with something as big as losing everything that you thought your future was going to be and readjusting."
"True," Raia agreed. "I still struggle making friends because no one can compare to Lana and I am lucky that Gavin and I are so close and besides being great at making our relationship work around insane work hours, two children and finances, we are also just such great friends, but sometimes… I really just need a woman to talk to and Mom is great but she's always going to take my side— Lana used to give it to me straight when she thought I was being a jerk."
Trevor laughed, "Same here… she'd really cut me down to size at times. I just wish there were things I could change — like sometimes I was so mad about such stupid things that I wish I knew didn't matter; that now I would give anything to have those stupid things back."
"I understand," she replied. "And I relate on some kind of level."
"I'm glad we're talking about her, this is nice…"
"Me too," Raia agreed, looking up at her brother and smiling. "So what's the plan with Olivia?"
"I told her last night that I'm afraid of starting up something that I'm not sure I will cope well with and that there's a certain level of guilt associated at times with feeling the way I do… but when I talk to her, I just feel … happy and all I want to do is to make her smile."
"Aww, Trevor that's actually so beautiful. I bet she liked to hear that."
"Yeah," he smiled back, "she got a little emotional. Things have been very difficult for her too. This ex fiancé she had spent a lot of time making her son feel terrible about himself, promised her the world and eventually just left them when Noah was 11 or 12— without a word, just a note. Noah already has a lot of abandonment issues, he was adopted and was the son of a sex-trafficked woman who was abused and treated badly and overdosed to death, Noah told me she was murdered."
"Fuck…" Raia cursed. "How old was he?"
"I don't know, I think still an infant because Olivia literally found him in a drawer…"
"What the fuck is wrong with people? If you can't care for it, or don't want to care for it, or if the baby is a problem for whatever sex trafficking ring you're running, drop it off at a firehouse or … adopt out; even as a mother, even if it wasn't her fault, just give him to someone to keep him safe."
"Agreed…but she's the best mother he could have ended up with… he just is going through a rough time and I'm not sure why but now he is struggling with the ex boyfriend abandoning them. He can have so much attitude but… I can tell just how close they are."
"Yeah, so maybe she needs someone to trust, who won't mess her around."
Trevor nodded. "I told her we should just keep talking for as long as she was comfortable… day by day, you know?"
Raia smiled. "I think that's maybe for the best. But sounds like you're both on some kind of sex drought so maybe—"
"Yeah, you're not allowed to say things like that to me, its weird. Stop it." He told his sister with a chuckle.
"Aww, will you tell me when you and Liv finally get it on?" She teased him, nudging him in the side.
"Absolutely not."
She laughed and sighed. "I think you should kiss her, see if the spark is there and then you won't waste each other's time if there's nothing."
"Can you be quiet? I can't stop thinking about kissing her as it is, I don't need your help."
"You have to tell me at least when you kiss her. I can't be left out of this now, you've dragged me in and I'm invested," she joked.
He laughed. Trevor pulled his phone out. "Let's take a photo and send it to Liv now… she said she wanted photo updates of my day so…"
"Oh, Trev, I look like shit," she remarked.
"Yeah but that's good, that means if I stand beside you, I'll look better than I normally would," he grinned, bumping her shoulder.
Her mouth fell open as she laughed, "You shit… come on hurry up. Take your stupid photo." They both smiled while Trevor bent down a little so that they'd both fit in the frame.
"Its nice… we haven't had any photos together for a lot of years, you know? I know that's probably my fault."
"Yeah, but its okay. Make sure you send it to me as well," she told him as they headed back to her place.
/
Olivia received the photo of Raia and Trevor together and smiled. He had sent her a bunch of photos of him playing with his nieces and giving his sister and brother-in-law the gift of sleep. My sister and I are on a short walk, it's a beautiful day here. How are you guys going over there? How's Billie?"
Olivia couldn't help herself, she was feeling a little blue. She felt bad that Noah was so unwell. He was sipping water and vomiting every so often until there was only bile left. She replied, Thank you for the picture. You and your sister look a lot alike… she's gorgeous too. Change of plans this morning, Noah has food poisoning and so does Adam — from the Pizza I guess. I feel like the world's worst mother. Noah has been vomiting all day so far and so Billie went along to the basketball instead. Ruby is in with Noah comforting him.
She turned the TV on, trying to shut down the loud thoughts in her head. She found a movie on one of the streaming services and turned it on, getting comfortable. When she felt her eyes getting heavy, she was alerted to Trevor's response. "Oh no, poor Noah. You are not a bad mother, you treated the kids to pizza like any other parent would on a special night having a friend over, Liv. You're such a good Mom and I have that on very good authority because I've seen some seriously shitty parenting in my day. Sorry that your weekend isn't going to plan. Are you okay? You seem a little down in the dumps. Is everything alright?"
She read and reread his message a few times and wondered if she should be honest or if she should go the route of her usual MO and tell him that she was just fine. She remembered his soft command the night earlier, always be honest with me…
She picked up the phone and tapped out a response. I'm just feeling a bit sad, I don't know why. It's self indulgent and stupid but I can't help my mood. I really enjoyed our talk last night I guess I just feel like there's a lot of hurdles and my heart is hurting a little bit over that… sorry, Trev, not trying to be a downer.
/
Trevor felt immediately saddened by Olivia's message. He looked up at his Dad, brother-in-law and family friend, Russell. He picked up his beer. "Hey guys, sorry, I'll be right back, I just need to make a phone call."
It was almost 3pm. He made his way down the steps of the deck and further down the yard in to the pool area where no one could hear his conversation. He took a swig of his beer and hit call.
A few rings in, Olivia picked up. "Hey…" she greeted him.
"Hey yourself…" he murmured, "are you able to talk to me?"
"Trev, I'm okay," she assured him, "I'm just a little blue about Noah being sick and-"
"Liv, please, its okay that you feel a bit shitty or that our conversation didn't sit well with you after sleeping on it. I just want you to be honest with me," he spoke to her gently, understanding that she was in a fragile mood. "Can you take a few minutes to talk to me face-to-face?"
He sensed that she was trying not to cry by her long drawn out silences. "Yeah… can you give me a few minutes, I'll have to just check on Noah and go downstairs for some privacy."
"Okay. Just call me back when you're ready."
/
Noah was sleeping, snoring loudly with Ruby beside him also on her back. Noah had one arm laid across her belly and neither could have looked more content. She took a photo and sent it to Trevor as she made her way in to her bedroom and shut the door. She went in to her closet and pulled the door closed in there too. She took a seat on the floor as she had the night before and dialled Trevor's number.
"One second," she heard him tell a couple of people he would be back shortly. "Sorry Liv, just going some place private." A few minutes later she heard him breath a sigh of relief. The FaceTime button popped up.
She propped up her phone and turned her camera off before she accepted so that only his face would be visible. "Hey, no fair," he smiled. "I want to see your face, it feels more sincere."
"I don't want you to see my face right now, it's the opposite of what you want to see," she realised how silly she sounded.
"Actually, I like to see you smile, but I know that life isn't always smiles and rainbows and fun stuff…"
There was some silence before Olivia's face popped up. "There you are…" he smiled. She was wearing a white camisole that showed off her curves and even though he only caught glimpses of it, he couldn't help but to imagine how well she would have filled it out. He batted the thoughts away as he realised just how sad she looked. "Oh, sweetheart…" he murmured, "you look miserable, tell me… what's going through your head, please— I will do my best to assure you and if I can't, I'll be honest."
"I don't want to sound whiny and I am immensely conscious of putting any pressure on you."
"Liv, please… just tell me."
She sighed, "I guess I was just thinking this morning about all of these things going against us— Noah actually asked me yesterday point blank if I had romantic feelings for you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to freak out — I told him that you had a lot of things going on in your heart and so did I and that neither of us were in a place for me to be unfair and to have romantic feelings at this stage."
"That was very diplomatic of you. And honestly Olivia, there's nothing to tell him right now. When there is, if there is, we'll tell him and be transparent with him too."
"I just want something to work out for me, Trev," she told him sadly, "just there's always complications, there's always something that makes it not work and I very badly just want something for me for once… I know that sound so self-indulgent and whiny, but-"
"It's not self-indulgent, Olivia, it's not. You're human, you give so much of yourself to every avenue of people that come in and out of your life, it's not so crazy to want something for yourself…"
He felt his breath catch when he saw a tear sliding down her cheek. "Sorry," she whispered.
"Don't apologise. I wish I could give you a hug," he murmured. "I just want to tell you something that I hope is re-assuring. I do have romantic feelings toward you to quote Noah's expression," he flashed her a smile. "I don't want you to feel like these complications are too big to deal with. We will deal with them."
"I just can't handle the idea of falling in love with someone and having them hurt me or my son the way Elliot did."
"I know your heart is still hurting from that guy, Olivia, and I don't understand the full picture but I think we have a lot to discuss so I know where your heart is at and so that you know where mine is at, but my sister and I had a long talk about things today and … I think it's truly okay to start moving forward. I haven't felt this okay around any single woman before you walked in to my life and started telling me off," he smiled.
She smiled, aware that she was probably looking hideous because despite the smile, tears ran down her face. He was right, it did help to hear that. "What if things eventuate and we are both on the same page and a year down the track you decide you don't want to be with me anymore or I'm not the woman you thought I was and where does that leave Noah?"
"Noah is off limits, Liv. Noah is separate. When I say that, I mean if we end up … pursuing our feelings and a year or two years from now you decide this is not for you, Noah is off limits in that, this absolutely cannot affect how I treat him, how you treat him when it comes to me — I will not hurt that kid, I sincerely promise that. We would tell him it just isn't working out, but that it doesn't mean that he has to stop coming to me when he needs or whatever and we will just one hundred percent have to keep things amicable for his sake."
He paused, "but I don't think either of us are vindictive people. If it's not working out, its not working out — we might need some time apart, but we are adult enough to stay friends. My deal breaker is cheating and I imagine yours would be too."
"Yeah it has to be that cut and dry, I am just scared of breaking his heart, I desperately don't want to do that."
"I know and that's the last thing I want too."
"I'm sorry Trevor, I'm getting ahead of myself. I am having too many feelings."
"No, you are just having feelings, it's not too many and I don't believe in anyone being over emotional. Promise. I will sit here all day and talk to you if that is what you need."
"No, you need to be with your family. I already feel a bit better, thank you Trevor," she told him genuinely.
"Can I tell you something a bit funny? Maybe it'll make you smile… or run for it," he joked.
"Yeah of course…"
"My sister wanted to know about you and I told her a little about you and Noah and how I'm feeling and firstly she told me that if I was lucky enough to find someone who allows me the space and compassion to talk about Lana and not feel put off or ill-at-ease by my grief, then I also can't be sitting around making any comparisons which is something that feels like it shouldn't be an issue but it was jarring for her to make me understand that it wasn't just about the way someone would be feeling about Lana, but the way I do too."
Olivia nodded slow, it was something she had thought of. "Yeah… I worry about that, truthfully."
"Well. This is going to sound funny when I say this directly, but you're not Lana and you will never be here but in that same way, she is also not you and she will never be you. I don't want to try to clone her. I want to fall in love again and have a future with someone - it may not be the future that I immediately envisioned, but sometimes life takes a hook turn and where you are is where you are meant to be."
"Yeah, life throws us many of those curves, that's for sure."
"The other thing was that Raia my sister kept telling me that now she was deeply invested on how things move between us and told me that if I kiss you I have to tell her immediately…"
Olivia did finally laugh. "Yeah? Is that a weird thing for a sister to ask? I don't know, I don't have siblings."
He chuckled, "Kind of, yeah… but under the circumstances my sister is desperate for me to be happy and to understand that its okay to move forward and that as Lana's best friend, she has good authority to know that's absolutely what Lana would have wanted. And that also, she thinks you are beautiful and have a beautiful smile. So now you know I'm not just talking shit."
Olivia grinned at him finally, wiping her glassy eyes. "Thanks, Trevor… you really did make me smile."
"You're welcome. You can really tell me anything, Olivia, I promise. Life's too short to try to hide feelings and not say what we want."
She appreciated that he truly understood and believed what he said. "Thanks," she repeated, clearing her throat. "Okay, I better go check on my son, poor thing."
"Is he any better?" Trevor asked.
"Not really, I made him eat a little dry toast before but I have a feeling Ruby may have eaten it for him."
"Oh no," he laughed, "you'll be able to tell, she will stare at him with sad dog eyes as though she's never been given a morsel of food in her entire life. She doesn't stare at me like that because she knows its no dice every time."
Olivia laughed, "such a meanie…"
He smiled. "I let her on the furniture at home and I said I never ever would have an animal living in my apartment… and here we are. One thing I regret is how much Lana wanted a dog and I just … I was such a prick about it and wouldn't even discuss it with her and then I go and get a dog. Although she wanted a tiny little teacup sized dog and I'm far too big and clumsy to have a tiny dog under my feet."
Liv smiled. "Its okay, we don't know that we're being stupid about things until we get perspective." She sighed, "Okay Trev, thank you for being such a sweetheart as always."
"You too, Liv, you're always a sweetheart, even when you were telling me off," he winked with a little chuckle.
She blushed and smiled right back at him. "I'll talk to you later."
"You bet," he replied, giving her a wave before he hung up. Before he went back out to the late afternoon barbecue he scrolled through his phone to find a gift delivery service. He chose a beautiful bunch of flowers and went through all the gift card add-ons until he came across a Starbucks card. He wrote a message; A huge thank you to two of some of my favourite humans. Thank you for taking care of my girl. I appreciate the both of you so much.
He asked for a text upon arrival, that way he could text Olivia the message that he truly wanted to write but couldn't risk Noah seeing. He got his credit card out and paid for the item.
/
About 6pm, Olivia's doorman let her know that he was bringing up a delivery. She thought it was strange and was always a little on edge about receiving unexpected items. She opened the front door and watched as he got off the lift with a big grin on his face. "Lucky lady," he remarked as her mouth fell open with shock at the huge bouquet in her doorman's arms.
"Wow…" she breathed, taking them from him. "Thank you," she breathed almost as if they were coming directly from him.
The doorman held her door open for her allowing her back in to her apartment as he told her to enjoy her gift and secured it behind him for her. Olivia took the flowers in to the dining room and put them on the table. She read the card attached and smiled when she saw the very generous 50 dollar Starbucks card.
She heard her text chime. She picked it up knowing that it was probably Trevor. The actual message I wanted to put in the card: I hope you love flowers. I wanted to give you a reason to smile; to let you know that I am thinking about you. You are the sweetest soul who's outer beauty is only outshined by her inner beauty. I see you, Olivia Benson and I can't wait to know everything about you. xx Trev.
She could barely see the message anymore from the tears that blurred her vision. I love my flowers. They made me smile so hard that I got something in my eye and it made them water. You are the most wonderful and thank you for being so generous with Noah. He is going to flip. Your heart is so kind. I see you too.
His response was just a bunch Rosie-cheeked smile emojis.
/
"How are you feeling babe?" Olivia asked as Noah schlepped his way in to the living room. He looked confused to see the flowers sitting in the dining room over on the table. "Okay I think, who sent you flowers?"
"Go open the card and see…" she told him. Noah rubbed his face and headed toward the dining table. He picked up the card and took it from the little envelope - the Starbucks card dropping out. "What? Really?," he asked, looking back at Olivia.
"That was very kind of him wasn't it?"
Noah nodded. He glanced at the flowers for a moment and made his way back over to the couch. Olivia patted the spot next to her, "come on, come snuggle in to your Mommy," she told him with a smile knowing that he usually hated it when she tried to be cute with him. He didn't resist though, that's how she knew he was genuinely unwell.
He wrapped his arms around her and snuggled up close. "Make sure you text him to say thank you when you're feeling better."
"I will. The flowers are pretty," he remarked in a weary, lazy voice. She could tell his eyes were closed as Ruby found herself a comfortable spot right by Olivia's feet.
"They are," she agreed.
"He likes you…" Noah murmured with a sigh, "he just wanted an excuse to send you flowers…"
"No, I think he was just being appreciative and he doesn't know what I like, flowers are … generic," Olivia argued.
"Romantic," Noah corrected her.
"Are you mad?," she wondered, "like even if he did like me, it doesn't mean anything. The same thing I told you last night still applies here."
"I'm not mad. You're the best person I know so it's no wonder he likes you… Do you talk to him a lot?"
She grinned, falling in love with her beautiful son every single time he spoke absent kind words, reminding her of how rich with compliments he had been as a child. "Thanks Noah, that's so sweet." She decided to be honest, "We've been talking off and on a lot this weekend and we talked a lot at Sonny and Amanda's apartment the other night…"
"What kind of things has he sent you this weekend?," her son asked curiously, "or is he just talking to you about his wife."
"He's talked to me a bit about his family situation because it can be really frustrating for him, but he's trying to focus on fixing those relationships and spending time with his nieces. He needs a friend, babe, that's all."
"Yeah… friend… I know…" he mumbled.
She knew he didn't believe her, she wasn't even sure she believed herself. Olivia leaned over and kissed her son's forehead. "Close your eyes and go to sleep. You can take tomorrow off school if you're still sick."
"K…" he murmured.
/
Olivia was relieved that Noah seemed a lot better when he woke up. She had expected him to want to stay home but he was insistent that he felt fine and wanted to go to school. "Adam and I are in the same math class, I promised I'd help him out and show him an easier way to do ratios and then he said I could join his table at lunch time so I can hopefully start making friends again."
Olivia smiled. "Okay, okay… but maybe Adam's still unwell."
"He's not, he texted me this morning." Noah told her over his shoulder as he loaded his lunch in to his backpack and paused to kiss Olivia's cheek. "I'll text you if I need anything." He turned to Ruby and crouched down, "bye, bye Ruby. I loved having you visit for a vacation, I can't wait to see you again." He hugged her tight and kissed her furry head.
"Bye Mom, love you!"
"Love you too, be safe. Text me when you get to school, you know the drill."
/
Trevor leaned over to his centre console and found Olivia's contact and hit 'call'. He was close to home but he really wanted to head home first. She answered on the first ring, "Hello!," she greeted him cheerfully.
"Aww so bright and happy this morning, what a joy to hear," he grinned as he concentrated on the road. "How are you?"
"Good, Noah has made a miracle recovery and was in a rush to get to school to see Adam," she laughed. "So, it's just Ruby and I this morning."
"OK, well, I'm actually on my way home. I'm not far from the city but if its okay, I am gonna go home and shower and change, I forgot to take another t-shirt with me to my folks place and I knew my Mom would take it upon herself to do my laundry and I didn't want to put that on her so I'm feeling kind of gross with this second day wear out of my shirt."
"Sure, take your time. Let me know when you're leaving your place."
"Okay, thank you Liv, its so nice to hear you in better spirits today," he remarked.
They said goodbye and Olivia swore. She went directly to her bedroom for a change of clothes and went straight in the shower, not wanting to look unattractive for him. Once she got out, she brushed her teeth and did her hair and looked at the dog who stared sadly at her as if she knew their girl time was gonna come to an end. "Aww, would you like some beautifying too?," she asked the auburn coated dog. Ruby wagged her tail and shifted excitedly. Olivia took a soft hair elastic and gathered the pooch's long hair that was almost covering her eyes and tied it back gently in a little spout pony tail. She laughed, "You look so pretty!," she told him. "Your Daddy is going to love it," she joked as if the dog understood.
She put a little make up on and a form fitting t-shirt with some active tights. She wasn't an idiot, she knew the tights made her legs and butt look good.
She tidied up a little from the night before and put her flowers in a vase which she had been heading to do when he called. She placed them in the middle of the table, when Trevor texted her to let her know that he was leaving his apartment and walking over.
/
Olivia buzzed him in and for some reason, his hands felt a little tingly with nerves. He took the lift to her apartment and took a deep breath. He caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror at the end of the hall. He ran his fingers through his still-damp hair that was getting so long now that he probably needed to think about a haircut.
He knocked on Olivia's door and heard her footsteps toward it. The door opened and he was face-to-face with her finally. He felt the warmth of her presence reach him and spread out through his body. It was a feeling that he hadn't encountered for a long, long time. He grinned at her, "wow, you look beautiful…" he murmured, taken by how her hair was pulled back entirely off her face, sitting in a high ponytail. She wore small gold hoop earrings and she smelled divine.
"So do you…" she replied, taking all 6'5ft of him in, giving him a once and then twice over. He hesitated for a second and she could see it, but he leaned in opening his arms. She reached for him, wanting it more than she could have conveyed with words; she needed his contact. The woodsy scent of his cologne engulfed her as she drew near. He leaned over her and she went to kiss his cheek hello, but he turned his head, catching her lips. At first she wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but neither of them questioned it.
He quickly pulled away, realising that it may have come along too strong. "I'm sorry," he apologised bashfully, letting out a breath as the heat rose in his cheeks, trying to bat away the embarrassment of the way their lips had met.
He realised quickly as she stood on the tips of her toes, as her hands reached his face, gently guiding his face toward her, that she wanted him to try again. He reached for her face too, feeling her delicate touch slide to his neck, her warm, soft hands resting upon his skin, tickling him.
He pressed his lips against hers again; it was full of longing and pent-up emotions that felt a little too long coming. Every fibre of her being came alive as his lips connected with hers. She felt his touch all too welcome, his large hands holding her face with gentleness as time stood still. His fingers brushed along the shell of her ear, not realising just what that was doing to her insides.
She removed one hand from him and reached behind her to find the door handle. She pushed it open and took a few steps backwards. He hooked an arm around her waist to stop her from falling back as their lips barely parted. As soon as the door shut, Ruby tried to jump on Trevor, he felt Olivia laughing breathlessly against his mouth as he pushed the dog gently off him, focusing on the other woman in his life. Olivia backed against the wall in the hall that led to the rest of the apartment. He let his arm stay snaked around her waist, pulling her close as he deepened his kiss.
His lips moved slowly, kissing her soft and sweet, relishing every second as though they were the only two that existed. He hadn't realised how much he had been craving her as he parted his mouth and prompted her own open with the tip of his tongue. Olivia welcomed the warmth that radiated from him, her body overcome with want and need as though it felt like his presence towering over her was about to absorb her with desire.
The tip of his tongue against hers sent the electricity through her— the sexual tension was insurmountable; palpable and very hard for him to ignore. He felt her hand reach up to cover his and it felt so wonderful for that human touch that he had been longing for that he knew only he would be comfortable with her showing him.
Slowly he ended the kiss, a series of them followed, growing shorter each time until finally his lips lingered against hers for a long and drawn out final. He pulled away, both breathless. He let his forehead rest against hers for a moment, planting a tiny kiss upon the bridge of her nose while they both caught their breath.
Olivia felt a hand resting upon her shoulder while she held on to the soft skin of his neck still.
"Wow…" he breathed. He peeled himself from her and gazed at her, as though he was seeking reassurance or some kind of indication that what he had just done was okay.
"Wow," she repeated with a little smile. He lifted his hand from her shoulder and cupped her cheek in his hand again, stroking her flesh with his thumb, while searching her warm eyes.
"I hope that wasn't too forward- I uh… I haven't done this in a long time."
She smiled adoringly at him. "Uh.. that was the opposite of too forward," she breathed her words, still a little dizzy from the way his presence and his mouth on hers seemed to intoxicate her. "I needed that, that… makes me smile."
He couldn't help but smile right back at her, "I needed that too. I've been thinking about kissing you for awhile now…"
"Wasn't too disappointing was it?," she asked, flicking her eyes up innocently to meet his.
He shook his head with a playful roll of his eyes. "I don't want to hear you say something crazy like that again. You are not in any way a disappointment. It exceeded my expectations and I'm afraid now I'm going to need to kiss you more and I'm probably going to want to hold this hand…" he dropped his arm from her waist and took her hand, threading his fingers through hers, giving them a light squeeze.
She lifted their entwined hands and gazed at them for a second, smiling at the way her hand was dwarfed by his. He had such nice, gentle hands that it made her mind wander a little further than it should have. "That's totally fine by me," she murmured.
"Good," he replied in the same tone, leaning over to give her another short kiss. "Very good…"
"Mmm…" she smiled slowly blinking at him. "Do you want to come in and sit on the couch with me and have coffee and just… be."
"Yes…" he grinned, "I would love that, spending time with you— and Olivia?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to take you on a date. Is that okay? Like… a proper date because that's what you deserve, you don't deserve this casual stuff, you deserve to be taken out to a beautiful restaurant where we can dress up all cute and drink top shelf alcohol and eat the kind of food we wouldn't normally have otherwise."
She couldn't stop the butterflies from filling her stomach, making her feel full of goo for him. "Wow, you're really winning me over…"
He stroked her hair, the feel of his fingertips against her scalp made her feel a little woozy. His touch was so soft and gentle and she knew he was sincere. He was sincere and a good person.
"I think you need a man who understands your heart, your value and who you are beneath all of the exterior that you—," he paused, "that we build up around ourselves."
"Is that person you?," she asked very slowly and deliberately as he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. It had escaped her ponytail during their kiss.
"I hope so."
"Day by day, huh?"
He nodded. "But I feel … positive and optimistic."
"Me too," she murmured.
