OK, so... this is one of the last puzzle peices about why Olivia had been so hurt by her past relationship - also if you're wondering what song it is, its exile by taylor swift... i was listening to it while i was conceptualising this chapter, so curious to know what you all think of this one and how it all came to be. happy new year and all-a that jazz, loves!
"It would have been better if we could have each had a sip cup that way we wouldn't have to sit up to drink in bed…" Olivia joked, lifting herself to take a long, generous sip of the mojito mix.
Trevor laughed, "wait, wait… I may have a solution…" with a laugh to himself, he set his glass down and got up, lifting himself out of bed, disappearing out the doorway. Olivia propped some pillows behind her head so that she wasn't laying flat but wasn't really sitting up either.
A few moments later Trevor reappeared. He picked up the jug and poked two bendy straws in to it. He grabbed his glass and emptied it back in the jug. "Pass me yours?"
She was laughing at his silliness. She did as she was told, watching him upend the liquid back where they had poured it from. He passed her the jug and got back beneath the covers and sidled up to her. "There you go… cocktail for two."
"You are the best," she grinned as she sipped from it directly. "You actually just won my heart part two."
He laughed, leaning closer to sip from the other straw. "It's a good cocktail, you're good at making them. I know I'm going to be annoying you far too often for a good drink."
Olivia smiled at him, "maybe we should do a cocktail class together? Like… maybe that's what I should organise for when it's my turn to take you out…"
"Oh, you wanna take me out?," he asked, raising an eyebrow with a smile. "Like, you're okay to lead the date?"
"I'm a modern woman, Mr Langan, of course I'm okay to treat my man out to a hot date, it can't always be take, take, take…"
"Well…. That's something new for me but it sounds kinda nice and a little sexy. Cocktail making sounds like fun and something we can do together."
"In our underwear on a Sunday afternoon when I don't have a kid around."
"Okay, okay, don't put that in my head until after we take the class or else I won't be able to concentrate, I'll just be busy thinking about the end result in the kitchen."
He took another mouthful and sat back against the bed head just thinking, reflecting on their night so far. Olivia surveyed him. "I know what you're thinking…"
"What?," he asked playfully.
"You're thinking, that mojito is good but there's entirely not enough rum in it… so you wait here, I'll get the rum…"
Trevor let out a laugh. She handed him the half-full jug and sashayed out the door to the kitchen, the cheeks of her ass peaking out from beneath the hem of his t-shirt. He couldn't help but to let out a content sigh. She was everything and thus far their night had been maybe taken a different route, but it was perfect.
She returned with the bottle looking mischievous. "We're going to have hang-overs, aren't we?"
She smirked, "Maybe. Lucky you took the day off work tomorrow. It's really sweet that you did that by the way," she added.
"Well… I didn't want us to have to wake up and say goodbye straight away, I wanted time with you in the morning to get coffee and maybe go for a walk or go to breakfast or brunch or whatever…" he shrugged as he watched her pour way too much rum in to the jug. "Easy, easy, jeeeez!"
"Oops," she whispered, smiling at him cheekily.
She set the bottle down on the bedside table. She leaned over the jug he was holding and kissed his lips. "You should have first sip," she winked.
He knew she had him around her little finger and that she could have asked him to do just about anything and he would have done it without question. He took a sip and widened his eyes. "Wow, that is … something."
"Too strong?"
"Entirely, but we will endure," he told her with a laugh. She took a sip and made a similar face. "Wow, that makes my mouth tingle." She went back for another mouthful. Trevor laughed and put the jug up. "Come and sit over here…" he patted his lap.
Without hesitation she got closer and straddled him. He let his eyes fall over her, she looked so gorgeous in his t-shirt. He took her tiny waist in his hands beneath the fabric. She loved the feel of him imprinted upon her skin; his touch was so engulfing and gentle and made her want more of him. "Can I just say…" she began, resting her hands upon his shoulders as she got comfortable, "you are incredibly sweet and kind and just … thoughtful and giving and I don't know what I expected tonight, but… my experiences with men have not been this kind or loving… and I just want to say thanks."
Trevor took her words in, grateful for how open she was with her appreciation, but saddened by her admission. He stroked the small of her back absently, "I'm sorry for all the men who didn't value you or see your worth, Liv, that actually makes me pretty angry."
"Its okay, I think you're just an atypical man…"
"Well, I feel like this is how you treat someone you care about and if you expected less than this, then… I'm actually floored. You don't deserve to be treated without respect because I could guarantee that in any situation you've always been the same, kind, loving woman…"
She blinked back the stinging of tears in her eyes. Trevor realised immediately that she'd become emotional. "It's been hard…" she admitted, nodding her head. "Maybe I felt like I didn't deserve better, I don't know."
"But you do," he told her, "you deserve everything. You said a few weeks back that you wanted something for you and I will do everything to make sure I'm doing things sometimes that are just for you."
She smiled through the tears that filmed her eyes, she cleared her throat, "okay, we should change the subject, I don't want to be a bummer and get emotional."
"Its okay if you get emotional, it's been a big day of big feelings…."
She laughed at his words, "you know thats what I tell my 14 yr old when he's having big feelings."
Trevor cracked a smile, "sorry, I didn't mean to sound patronising, I just meant that its alright to be overcome with emotions. Sometimes all these new physical interactions can make us extra sensitive and vulnerable."
She nodded, "Yeah… maybe that's what it is… and I'm not usually this vulnerable with my body, I just feel like I can be myself with you and it's a feeling that I didn't have to really consider, it just is what it is with you— it feels easy."
He reached up, sliding his hand over her cheeks, holding her face in his palm, his fingers disappearing in the baby hair at the back of her neck and his thumb caressing the skin just beneath her earlobe. "That's a huge compliment to me, thank you… you can trust me, I hope you know that. Whatever you want me to do, or whatever you want to do, you can trust me and communicate with me and I promise I'll do my best to please you."
She drew in a big breath and let it out slow. She avoided his eyes and blinked back her tears. "Thanks…" she whispered. "I love you," she pushed the words out of her mouth. She forced herself to look in to his eyes despite the tears that were just edging on her eyeline, desperate to spill over.
"I love you too, sweetheart," he replied. "Tonight has been healing for me too, I want you to know that. You've just shown to me how wonderful it feels to open my heart again, to lose that cloak of guilt and understand that I deserve to be loved again and I don't deserve to wallow in this darkness and loneliness forever. Neither of us deserve that, Liv."
"I know… and thank you for letting me in, I know how hard that must be especially when you started catching feelings for me."
He smiled wryly. He eased down a little on his pillow, Olivia readjusted herself on the pillow beside him. "It was and if I'm honest, I wanted to run so hard and so fast when I realised that night after going to the Carisi's for dinner that I had real feelings for you… I think if it wasn't for what happened at my family's house, I might have let things dwindle away."
"I guess the timing was right — for both of us."
He nodded. "I guess I just want to tell you the same as what I've told Noah. I will never, ever be Elliot. I know how scary all this new relationship stuff is especially when you've had shitty treatment in the past, but I'm not him and you don't have to ever be scared of me repeating any of his behaviour toward you or even Noah."
"Thank you, thank you especially for communicating that with Noah. I know that would have meant a lot to him because I think I could take the treatment I received, Trev, I could deal with the shitty things he said or the things I found out about him later, but I really feel still so heartbroken over the way I let him back in time and time again after he broke my son's spirit down which has only really started to show it'sself in the last year."
"You didn't do anything wrong, Liv, you wanted someone that you loved to love you back and I know that when you want something, it can turn in to desperation and we can do or say or act in a way that we wouldn't normally. I think you protected Noah the best you could and you made the choices you thought were right at the time."
"I just thought he'd change and I trusted him. I thought that if he just worked on his issues like he constantly promised he would, it'd be okay."
"And he lied to you and he presented himself in a way that was dishonest and you can know someone your whole life, Liv, and they can still become a stranger… trust me, lots of things can throw you off the rails, all it takes is a tipping point."
"You are so peaceful and calm to be around, I've never felt that brace-yourself-time-to-be-on-guard feeling around you… I bet even at your worst you're level-headed."
He laughed but the smile dispersed faster than it took up space on his lips. "I wish I could say that… at my worst I've been someone I'm not proud of."
"How so?"
He caressed her hair and studied her face, letting his eyes search hers, hesitating. "I'm almost ashamed to tell you what I did to my sister after Lana died… the reason for our huge fight when you guys were looking after Ruby for me…"
"You can tell me anything, I won't judge you, especially given that you'd just lost your wife."
"Let's just say this, Trevor Langan cannot be trusted with prescription medication anymore."
She felt her breath hitch. She sat up, eyeing him, definitely surprised by his reluctant admission. He eased himself up too. "Did you overdose?," she asked, alarmed, overcome with emotion immediately.
"Yeah…" his voice trailed off. "Sorry, I shouldn't have told you that the way that I did."
She shook her head. "Can you tell me? Tell me what happened?"
He felt a little panic, thinking that perhaps it would change things or make her decide she couldn't be around him or even let Noah around him. "Please just tell me this doesn't change anything? I don't have a problem with drugs and I know now if I needed pain meds I could take them without any problems, it was just—" he shrugged, "I really feel like I shouldn't have told you this, I don't want you to think-"
"Baby, its okay, please, I don't feel any different, I just feel … a little taken-aback. You could never have hidden this from me, I want to know, I want to understand—"
He reached for the jug and didn't bother with the straw. He chugged down a few mouthfuls, looking for the courage to get in to it, hoping to find it at the bottom of the cocktail. When he went to put it up, she reached for it from him and did the same. She placed it next to the glass bottle of rum.
"I stayed at my parents house for around a week or two after Lana passed because I couldn't stand to go back to our apartment. Raia really wanted to go and clean up for me and just try to make things a little easier but I was adamant I didn't want her to touch a single thing…. I didn't eat or sleep or even go to bed because being in a bed just polarised the fact that my wife wasn't with me…" he explained and Olivia was already beginning to cry.
He glanced at her and couldn't help but to laugh, "don't start crying, please," he chuckled, "I might start crying too and that's not really want I want you to see…"
"I'm sorry," she murmured, "but I can't help it, and it's okay if you cry too."
He leaned over, pressing his lips against hers lingeringly. "I really, really am in love with you…" he told her sincerely.
"Me too," she replied.
He took a moment to centre himself before he continued, "I finally knew I couldn't put off work much longer so I went back to my apartment. Mom and Dad were so smothering, they were complaining that I'd lost weight, Mom was getting frustrated with me for just slobbing around and Raia couldn't even mention Lana's name without me having an absolute break down. She was giving me Ambien to help me sleep and eventually made one of her doctor colleagues visit to give me some Lorazepam to help me out a little because I wasn't functioning…"
"The second I walked in to my apartment it was everything all at once — the grief," he explained, "it was a pair of Lana's shoes by the door, one right in the way that I almost tripped over that we'd argued about, she could never just put them on the shoe rack…" he managed a smile, "and I lost it. I went to work but I didn't want to be there. They cut me some slack and I'm incredibly lucky I kept my job because some days I just wouldn't turn up… For whatever reason the doctor trusted me with a few repeat prescriptions of Lorazepam and gradually I was taking more and more to dull everything…"
He saw a tear slide down Olivia's face. He thumbed another away at the corner of her other eye. It made his own eyes glass over and she reached up too, wiping his tears as they spilled. "It kind of gets a bit blurry… I was just in such a dark place… everything in my apartment was a reminder of her. I started doctor shopping because I needed to sleep so I had all kinds of benzos and then I can't even remember how but I got my hands on Adderall that I began to take when I had to work or get things done and sometimes I took too much so I started using downers when I needed to sleep and … I drank to make sure the drugs worked… I was blacking out all the time and then I guess I just stopped turning up to work, answering anyone's phone calls…"
"How long as this over? What kind of a time span?"
He thought about it for a few moments before shrugging, "I don't know, it felt like an eternity but maybe 5 months, it just progressively got worse but in that last month I was a mess, I was living on pills and whatever alcohol I could get… I think I stopped pretending to even be fine with work, I think they were the ones who called my sister…" he explained, "I missed so many calls from her, but I didn't want her to see me and I was in a shame spiral and I didn't know how to stop it. So I just kept popping the pills. I thought I'd taken too many benzos so id take Adderall and forget how many I'd taken and then I'd think something was seriously wrong so I'd go through all of these spaces of panic and consider calling the paramedics but then I'd just wash it all away with whisky or something…"
"You just didn't care if something happened to you…"
"No," he agreed, "I didn't care… I just wanted Lana so desperately. I was so out of it that I would wake up in the kitchen on the floor, or one morning I woke up on the tiles in the bathroom with my own vomit caked all over me and bottles and things broken and I'd just step over it, chug some straight vodka and go to bed again. Wake up, take a benzo, chug more vodka and pass out again. "
"Fuck… you poor thing," Olivia remarked, smoothing his cheeks. "I'm so sorry…"
"Its okay," he soothed her. She wasn't bothering to hide her distress from his story. He just continued to wipe her cheeks, thankful for her empathy and her endless compassion.
"I just know that my apartment was disgusting, there was vomit all over the place, glasses broken, a lot of things I'd smashed during my bender. I was hallucinating — I remember flashes of screaming at myself in the mirror, seeing Lana, taking her picture to bed and absolutely breaking down… I didn't want to see Raia because she was pregnant and one of the last conversations I had with my wife was asking her to be patient because she was so sad about not being pregnant yet… we were actively trying for a baby… I resented my sister so much."
"You just wanted your life back…"
He nodded, sniffing. "Anyway somehow Raia broke in, she said that I was on the floor of the bathroom covered in blood and vomit and she dragged me in to the shower and called for help and sat with me under the water with her hand on my chest to make sure I was still with her. I was non-responsive and I really fucking traumatised her…"
"You didn't do this to her, you weren't trying to punish her…"
"I know but it was selfish, I should have fought harder to come back from my pain."
"You didn't want her to be ashamed of you, you wanted to deal with your pain alone… I get that."
"They wanted to put me in a psych hold for a week, but Raia knew it might hurt things with work so she sweet talked them out of it and then I went back to my parents while Raia and Gav cleaned up my apartment and my parents took care of me. They convinced me that a new place was the right thing to do. I got an insurance payout for Lana so I bought this place and my therapist suggested an animal which seemed stupid at first but I spent some time with a therapy dog for some project I was helping the kids with at school and I realised how great it felt to be around a dog who just did nothing but show love… so I got Ruby… I still had a lot of Lana's stuff up here and I've kept a lot of her things in storage but I gave a lot of things to Raia and I actually have organised to return some things to Lana's parents…"
"That's progress, sweetheart…"
"I know… so I guess Raia's hesitancy to discuss her with me was because she is so afraid of triggering me. They hated that I wouldn't leave the city, they wanted me upstate with them, but even though it's better now, I have too much history here to leave. I have so many fond memories with Lana and…" he found her eyes, "and now I've started creating new and wonderful ones with you and Noah…"
Olivia smiled. "Thank you so much, Trev… for being so open with all of that and I want you to know that it doesn't change a single thing. You had a situational problem with drugs, not a long-term addiction…"
"I know, but my medical reports say I overdosed so unfortunately people assume I've been a drug addict in the past."
She shrugged, "it doesn't matter, the people that know you know what you've been through. I wish I could have been a friend for you when you were in that dark space… I would have just been there to hold your hand in silence if you needed it."
"Yeah but… I don't think we'd have this now…"
"Come here… I need to hug you tight."
Trevor couldn't explain how much her understanding meant. How much her need to cuddle him after he had talked so much about this love for his wife despite how uncomfortable it could have been for her. She drew him close to her and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in to his neck. He let his eyes close, enjoying her warm embrace. He forgot how good it felt, specifically how wonderful it felt to have strong feelings of love toward someone and to have them not only reciprocate but be physically present to receive his affections.
He stroked her hair as they embraced breathing long and slow deep breaths, relishing her presence. "Tell me," he commanded gently, "tell me about Elliot… fill in the gaps…"
She pulled away and shook her head. "I don't think I can… I— it's messy and I come out looking like a giant moron," she admitted.
"Love, I just told you about how I took a lifetime worth of prescription medication until it almost killed me during the lowest point in my life — if anyone looks like a moron here—"
Olivia let go of him and moved to her own side of the bed and stared tearfully at the ceiling. Trevor watched her with concern. It alarmed him a little that she didn't want him to touch her as she started to explain her relationship with Elliot prior to him moving his wife and family to Italy.
He reached over with a tentative touch and took her hand that lay flat beside her.
He listened to her tell him the story of how she had pined for this man for what felt like half of her life. That he had left his wife but ended up having an affair with another woman while she was away, that even when she got back and he had broken up with the girlfriend, he still didn't choose her but instead rekindled things with his wife.
Still, they carried on an emotional connection with Elliot making all the right noises and comments and longing looks that allowed her to think that maybe they had a shot until he left without a word.
That alone made Trevor angry, the way she conveyed her grief at losing the people who mattered most to her in her life, specifically the one man who she felt understood her.
Olivia shared her feelings of his return — that his wife had left him, that he had admitted he was finally ready to give things a go with her, but not before dating someone else for a short while. Her story stopped short and she stared in silence at the ceiling still, daring not to look at him for fear that she would begin to cry in a way that might make the wonderful, kind man beside her worry.
"It's okay…" Trevor murmured, watching her face harden with tension. She didn't answer, she took some deep breaths. "Liv?," he pressed, "its okay."
She sucked in a deep breath, "I don't want to talk about it anymore…" she finally uttered.
"Okay," he dropped the subject, realising that she might have needed a little longer to express her past to him. "We don't have to talk about it tonight, we can talk about it another time, or in bits and pieces, whenever you feel comfortable, I don't want to push you to talk about this if it makes you uncomfortable."
He raised himself up, hovering closer to her so that he could see her face, hoping for her to look at him. "Hey…" he murmured when she lowered her eyes, avoiding his. "I just cried before talking about Lana, it's okay if I see you cry talking about losing someone who meant a lot to you too. I'm not going to judge you, I'm just here to love you regardless…"
It were as if his words gave Olivia permission to release the tension and let her tears fall.
"You don't have to try your best to be brave all the time, Olivia," he continued, pulling her body close to his, embracing her the way she had done for him. "I'm not going anywhere…"
"That's what he said…" she shot back, clearing her throat.
"Yeah but that's the difference between him and I," Trevor told her, creating a little space, lifting her chin with his forefingers so he could see her face, "I mean every word from the deep abyss of my heart… I'm not just trying to say what I think you want to hear."
She reached up and wiped her own tears before tucking her head back in to his chest, pulling him tight against her, raising her thigh up over his hip, wanting to be as close as possible to the man who made her heart feel whole again.
/
Past
Olivia was pleased with the flowers that Elliot had bought her — it seemed that he'd listened and changed it up from the usual roses to a colourful summer bunch. She couldn't help but to grin to herself when she saw the travel books on the counter that he'd promised to get from Kathy when he dropped Eli home.
Things had been a lot better, there was no awkward tension, no harshness toward Noah — if anything, Noah and Elliot had been getting along better than she could have hoped. Elliot had been true to his word, making time for her son, playing video games with him, taking him to the batting cage, even talked about coaching his Little League team in the next season and Noah ate it up.
They were planning on going to Italy — just the three of them, Elliot had promised somewhere beautiful like a small villa off the Amalfi coast, somewhere she'd never been but would love and Noah would adore it too. He got the books and gave her a budget that they should try to stick to and it was her job to find a place she would enjoy staying at.
They had said goodbye earlier that morning; he was going under cover for three days but would try his best to contact her. She would miss him and Noah had actually cried. Elliot hugged them both goodbye and gave Noah a pep talk, asking him to look after her which he took onboard perhaps a little too seriously.
She hated that she was back on days, it was better for Noah, but the transition to day shift from only two days off was hard. Noah's nanny was away and despite Amanda not wanting to talk to her outside of work, she and Sonny still had all the time in the world for Noah and Sonny happily opted for them to collect him after school so that she could pick him up after school.
"Mommy," Noah shook her from her reverie, "Mom, could you help me with my homework?"
"Of course, hey I was thinking after we're done with homework, do you want me to give Coop's Mom a call and see if we can go pick him up and you guys can play at the park for an hour or so?"
Noah gave her an adorable grin that made her heart dance. She loved how peaceful and how things had turned around. "Yeah! Mom, is El coming home tonight?"
"Not tonight but… look what I've got?" She held up the two books about Italy, "El left us these books for us to go through so we can choose a spot and then look up some accomodation for our big summer holiday!"
Noah's eyes widened with excitement. "Is it just us, Mom, is Eli coming or the twins or anything?," he wanted to know, secretly hopeful he would get his Mom and Elliot all to himself.
"It'll be just us, just you me and Elliot - are you excited?"
"Uhuh!," he exclaimed, "Is there a beach there?"
"There sure is! We can go on a boat and swim in the sea and stay in a really nice hotel with a pool…"
"When are we going?," Noah asked.
"Maybe the third week of vacation for you, Mommy's just gotta get her leave approved… how about tonight we can rent a movie and have a nice treat meal and make some plans for our holiday?"
"Yeah! I wanna do that."
"Okay sweetheart, go and grab your homework and come and bring it out to the table and I'll help you and then give Cooper's Mom a call."
/
Trying to keep Noah's excitement at bay was hard when Olivia was so excited herself at the prospect of going to Italy — the place on her bucket list that she had always, always dreamed of going to.
Noah had told all of his friends about their trip and Olivia worked hard at getting her leave approved despite her superior telling her it was bad timing. She got her way, though and all she had to do was discuss it with Elliot. She and Noah both missed him. They both planned a special dinner for his return from under cover. Noah had drawn a picture for him of both of them at the baseball game they were preparing to go to and left it folded with his name on it upon his dinner plate after he set the table.
"Okay kiddo, Elliot will be home soon, why don't you go have a shower and get washed up for dinner and I'll finish up here."
Noah agreed.
/
It was 8pm and Elliot wasn't home. He was supposed to be home at 6. She worried a little but knew if something was very wrong, Ayanna, his boss, would have called. She couldn't help but feel crestfallen and maybe even a little bit stupid. Maybe the undercover work had to extend, but surely he would have made contact to let her know.
She drew in a deep breath, "honey," she looked at Noah who sat at the dinner table looking dejected and sad. "Its okay if you're disappointed, Elliot's job probably got extended. I'm going to call his Captain and have a chat, okay? I'll get you dinner in a minute."
Unless Elliot was hurt, Olivia couldn't think of a single reason as to why he wouldn't have made contact to let her know he was late. She tried calling his phone. It went to a disconnection message which confused her, but she thought it might have been a tech trick. She tried Ayanna twice before she finally picked up.
"Hey Liv," she greeted her gently— something about her tone.
"Hi Captain, just wondering if you've heard anything from El… is everything okay?"
"What do you mean?" Ayanna asked.
"I mean, he was supposed to be home here for dinner at 6, Noah and I have been waiting for hours, is everything okay with the investigation?"
There was a moment of silence before she cleared her throat, "What investigation, Liv?"
"You know…the one…" she found herself stammering as her body weakened before her brain was actually able to compute that Elliot's boss's confusion was not sitting well with her, "the one with … Jake Aldine, the purple haze stuff…you know…?"
"John Aldine? The Blue Haze meth? Liv… that wrapped up last month."
There was silence from Ayanna that sliced through Olivia bit-by-bit as she collapsed back on to the foot of her bed. "Ayanna, where is Elliot?," she asked slowly. Her arms and legs were leaden as if they didn't belong to her body anymore and she was woozy too. It was her body preparing her for what was about to become a physical reaction to something she wasn't ready for.
"I'm so sorry to tell you this, Olivia, Elliot handed in his papers two weeks ago— he took another job in Europe. He…" she paused, feeling terrible having to be the one that gave her the news, "he told us that you guys broke up."
"He's gone?" Olivia asked as if she hadn't just been told, as if the news was a guess.
"I could have it wrong—" she paused, "Liv, I'm so sorry, I should call someone for you-"
"Its okay," she said with a sniff, "I'll be fine, thanks. Thanks for letting me know." She hung up the phone. With shaky hands she stared at the phone for a second and called Amanda.
Surprisingly, her former friend picked it up after the second ring. She gulped down the lump in her throat. Feeling shell-shocked, Amanda greeted her in the same sterile cold way she had been doing for months.
"Hi," Liv replied, not bothering to be affected by her friend's tone. "This isn't about me, this is about Noah. Do you have a minute?"
"For Noah, sure…"
The comment stung but after the phone call she just ended she had no one to blame but herself. Amanda had tried and tried to warn her and she just knew better, she had to keep trying to let this man in to her life. She trusted that he would change, that he wouldn't break her heart forever, that he just needed time to adjust to his new life with Noah and her — and she thought she had it all.
She choked back a sob. "Liv?" Amanda prompted, "are you okay?"
She took a second and cleared her throat, "Amanda, can you or Sonny please come and get Noah and take him for the night."
"Of course, Liv, is everything okay? Is Elliot scaring you guys again? Should I bring a uniform with me?"
"No, Elliot's…. Not here…. I'll pack Noah a bag."
"Do you want me to come now?"
"Please…" she replied.
Amanda could tell by her friend's shell-shocked tone something had happened. She stood up and went to find Sonny. "I'll be there in about 15 minutes."
"Thanks Amanda."
Liv hung up and sat for a moment trying to make sense of everything. She felt like every vein had been split open, the physical pain she felt seemed to know no boundaries. She had never felt anything quite like it. She could barely move. She felt a gaping wound in her chest; hollowed out and left to bleed.
It was only for Noah that she was managing to keep herself together at the seams— just.
"Mommy?" Noah called. She wanted to collapse in to bed, but she knew she couldn't— not yet. She found her feet and eased herself up despite the weak, jelly-like feeling in her legs. "Mom?"
"I'm just here," she replied, meeting with him in the hall. Noah was holding something — an envelope.
"Mommy, Elliot said if he got back late tonight — after 8:30, I should give you this, I think it's a surprise about our trip," he smiled at her.
She took the envelope and had a feeling the contents were not going to be pleasant and she couldn't help but feel gasoline being poured all over this man's existence in her life, she had to wait for Noah to leave before she could flick a match and let her fury burn.
"Thanks sweetie. Listen, I need you to go pack your overnight bag because you're going to go stay with aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny tonight."
He looked alarmed, "no, why? I wanna see Elliot…"
"I know," she told him gently, "but Elliot is going to be at work very late, he couldn't get away. I'm sorry."
"But… what about dinner, can't we eat? I made the crab salad."
"I know," it took every fibre in her to breathe normally, to make her mouth upturn in to a smile. "I'll save it for lunch tomorrow. I'm sorry, I have to go and help down at the precinct for Elliot's investigation. Please don't be mad."
It was too late Noah's lower lip wobbled and he began to cry. She took a seat on the couch and drew him in to her body, holding on to him as tight as she could. He was the one person that she hoped would never ever leave her. She closed her eyes and took some slow, deep breaths, still confused as to what was going on with Elliot.
She suddenly remembered the disconnected line.
"Babe," she began in a whisper, "I'm going to talk to you for a second like you're a grown up, okay?"
Noah pulled away and looked at his Mom as a tear slid down her cheek. "What's wrong, Mommy? Is Elliot okay."
She nodded, "Yeah, Elliot is okay, but… I don't know if Elliot is going to come back home tonight or … ever and I'm so, so deeply sad about that and I don't want you to see me sad so I really need you to pack a bag so you can go to Amanda and Sonny's for the night."
"What do you mean? Where is he going?"
"Honey, I don't know, I don't know what happened. I just…" she wiped her eyes again, "I just spoke to his boss and he…" she paused for a moment. Elliot had left for work while she was at work herself. She had told him to leave all of his laundry out for her to do when she went back to days and had thought it was a little strange that he didn't have any dirty clothes in the hamper. "Honey please wait here for a moment, okay?"
Olivia made a beeline, leaving her son in her wake, possibly broken hearted. She opened up the cupboards where Elliot kept his clothes. She had given him half of the closet space but it was too small so they used the guest room closet for all of his things and he kept his underwear and undershirts in the bedside table.
She pulled open the bedside drawers with aggression to find them empty. She marched down the hallway feeling wrathful as she pushed open the door and jerked open the closet doors to find it entirely empty save for a few plastic hangers that dangled from her aggressive motion.
"Piece of shit coward," she muttered in disbelief, heading back down to Noah's room.
He looked up at his mother, bewildered with tears in his eyes. "Mommy, why is Elliot not coming home?," he asked so softly as if he were afraid of Olivia getting angry with him for asking. She was speechless, shell-shocked, confused, angry— "did we do something wrong?" He asked, "Did I do something wrong?"
"No," she told him firmly, "No! You didn't do anything wrong babe, this is not about you. You and me, Noah, we did nothing wrong. I don't know what's going on with Elliot but I need you to go to Amanda and Sonny's for me tonight so I can figure it out….okay?"
He shook his head and threw his arms around her waist. "No, Mommy, I want to stay with you."
She was about to argue with him and was angry that she'd even told him. She could see the confusion written all over his face and the last thing she wanted him to think was that it was any part his fault.
The door bell rang. "I don't wanna go, with Amanda," he begged, bursting in to tears.
She gently picked up her son and went and buzzed Amanda up.
"Olivia?," she called out, finding her at the end of the hallway holding her son in her arms as though he were 6 and not 11. He was sobbing and she was silently crying. "Olivia, what happened?"
She just shook her head silently. "Where's Elliot?," she demanded to know.
"Uh… I don't know," she shrugged.
Amanda reached for her phone in her back pocket and began looking around the apartment, thinking the worst based on Olivia's inability to pay attention to her and the way Noah was crying.
She noticed the set table, something that looked more special than usual — pots and pans out and food covered over. She called Sonny and asked him or Fin to come and help— it had been awhile and she wasn't sure Olivia would talk to her the same way she would be open enough to speak to Fin or her husband, Sonny.
"Noah, honey, I want you to go with Auntie Amanda, just to give Mommy a minute, okay?"
"I don't want to go, I want to stay home with you, Mommy, please…." He begged.
Amanda took Noah, prying him from her as he sobbed and begged not to have to leave. "Its okay honey, I'm not taking you anywhere, we're just giving Mommy a minute to collect herself, okay? Its fine, please just take a big breath…listen to me, Noah," she tried to get his attention before she heard Olivia sob as soon as she reached the family room.
Amanda guided Noah in to his bedroom. "Look at me, sweetie," she told him, "come on, its okay, look at me…" Noah finally glanced at Amanda — his face red, his eyes blood-shot from his tears that streamed unbridled down his sweet, baby cheeks. "Together, let's take a really deep breath and let it out slow, it's going to be okay, I promise."
He nodded and slowly drew in a breath with his aunt, "and out," she told him as the blew the air out. "One more time, honey…" they repeated the breathing exercise a few more times until he was calmer. "Okay Noah, Mommy is just a little upset, okay? I can tell you're upset too and that's totally fine, but I want to find out what happened so I can help. Was Elliot here?"
He shook his head, "No, Elliot's been at work and he was late and he told me if he was late I should surprise Mommy with a letter…" he told her, crying again, "Mom was worried so she called work and she just told me he wasn't coming home and that I had to go with you and Uncle Sonny…"
"Okay, okay…" she murmured, "you don't need to worry about any of this sweetie, Mommy and I are gonna figure out where Elliot is and if everything is okay and then we'll let you know. What do you think you might like to do while Mom and I are doing that?"
Noah shrugged. "I'm hungry," he murmured.
"Okay, I'll have Uncle Sonny bring you something to eat and maybe you guys can play some video games or something."
Noah finally nodded, wiping his eyes.
/
Once Sonny arrived, Amanda felt better about leaving Noah with him. Sonny had always been so great with Noah and managed to dry his tears in a matter of minutes.
Olivia heard Amanda coming down the hall, knocking lightly on her bedroom door. Olivia laid on her bed, staring out the window; numb.
Amanda circled her bed and took a seat. She placed her hand on her friend's shoulder, "Olivia, what happened?"
"He's gone…" she replied. "He left… I'm a fucking idiot for trusting him. You were right. I was wrong. You should be happy."
"I'm… I'm not happy Liv, I am so sorry. Are you entirely sure he's gone?"
"He told me he was UC for three days on a case. He was late, I called Ayanna. He handed in his papers and took a job in Europe, guess he needed the three days to really get out of town before I could find out. All his things are gone."
"Son of a bitch…" Amanda murmured slowly. "I'll make some calls to find out the details…"
"Don't bother…" Olivia murmured.
"Olivia, I'm so sorry," she apologised to her friend, "I wanted this to work out for you."
"I was wrong to call you," Liv muttered, "just leave me alone. If Noah doesn't want to go with you and Sonny, leave him. I'll find a way to deal with it with him. He and I always manage. We don't need anyone."
"You might not need anyone, Liv, but I'm your friend-"
"Since when?" Olivia asked, "since when are you my friend, Amanda? When it suits you? when it's convenient? Fuck that. I don't need you and I don't anyone," she rose her voice as she wiped away her tears. "Just go, leave me alone."
Amanda didn't know what else to say, she wasn't used to Olivia being anything but warm and forgiving. She turned and went back down the hall to check in on her husband and Noah. "I think I'm gonna go," she told Sonny.
"What? No, you can't…"
"Liv wants me to go… are you boys okay here?," she wondered.
Sonny searched his wife's eyes and saw that she was visibly hurt. He wondered what Olivia had said to her. "Yeah, yeah, we're fine… we're just waiting for a Happy Meal for little man…"
"Sweetie, you and Mommy will be okay. You can come home with us if you like-"
"No," he said firmly, "I'm not leaving Mommy."
"Okay, that's your choice. Once you've had something to eat, Uncle Sonny is gonna make sure you have a bath or a shower and put some pajamas on and then you can go hang out with Mom and give her lots of love and cuddles."
Noah nodded. "Is Elliot really gone? Did he leave us?"
Amanda and Sonny exchanged glances. "I'm not sure, sweetie."
"I know he's gone," Noah replied, deflated. "Mom wouldn't be so upset if he wasn't…"
"Let's just worry about things one bit at a time," Sonny suggested. "Let's concentrate on eating dinner, and then bathtime and then time with Mom… and we'll find out what happened with Elliot as soon as we can."
"Maybe he got hurt when he was undercover…"
"I don't think he's hurt, babe," Amanda replied gently.
"He wouldn't leave, we have tickets to see the Yankees and he's taking Mommy and I to Italy this summer, he left books for us…"
Amanda suddenly felt emotional with the little boy with his big, blue eyes staring up at them in hope that they were wrong. She knew that he knew though, and she knew just like every other time Elliot had done something shitty, Olivia's little boy internalised it and found a way to blame himself.
"Let's just see what happens, okay?," she gave him an encouraging smile because she couldn't bear to break his heart. She took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead. "Be good. You make sure you get Mom's phone and you call me if you need me, k?"
Noah nodded.
She leaned over and kissed Sonny goodbye. "See you later."
"Bye…" his voice trailed, looking troubled.
/
Later that night Olivia heard her bedroom door opening. She wasn't sure how long she'd been laying there in a catatonic-like state. She turned her head to the doorway and saw Noah checking to see if she was awake. He was wearing his pajamas, the ones that she thought were the cutest on him - a black onesie with feet with green dinosaurs. She was aware that it was well above the age of what was probably socially acceptable, but it was so cute and he usually wore it to cheer her up and she knew it was an invitation to put her own onesie on.
She knew her son was trying to do something to get a reaction from her, to make her smile. Sonny followed Noah in. "Liv?" It was almost pitch black dark save for the light coming through from the open door.
"Yeah…" her words came out strangled. She cleared her throat and tried again.
"Liv, Noah doesn't want to come home with me and Amanda, I can sleep on the couch if you like."
"No thanks, its okay. Thanks for helping with Noah," she replied.
"Okay, call us if you need us to come— at any time at all, okay?"
"Thanks Sonny."
"I'll lock up on my way out. Goodnight Liv. Goodnight Noah, call me if you need me okay?"
"Thanks Uncle Sonny," Noah replied, climbing on to his Mom's bed beside her. Sonny left the door open a little on his way out.
/
"Mommy?" Noah murmured after a short silence, hearing his uncle leave.
"Yeah babe?"
"Mommy I love you so much, I love you more than anyone else in the world."
"I know you do," Olivia felt the hot tears slide down her face as she turned to face her son. "And I love you more than anyone else who ever existed in my life. You're my favourite."
Olivia got closer to her son and felt him cuddling in to her.
"I hate Elliot," Noah told her, his voice full of vitriol. Normally she would have pulled him up on his choice of words but she knew it was hypocritical because in that moment she had never hated someone more.
"Me too," she agreed.
They laid there in silence for what felt like hours. Olivia hadn't even noticed when Noah had gone to sleep. She rolled out of bed and out to the family room. Carisi had put all the food in the refrigerator. She wiped her tears as she couldn't help but see the drawing that Noah had spent hours on for Elliot. He showed her step by step, balling up about 12 others before finally being satisfied with the paper that was still folded on the dinner plate.
How hard her son had tried. She knew at times Noah swallowed his own wants and needs to fall more in line with Elliot and what he wanted. Everything was always about fucking Elliot, she thought as she found the liquor cabinet and poured herself a whisky. She still felt as though she was in a state of disbelief.
The silence was the worst - it made her ears feel like they were ringing. She reached for her phone that was sitting before her and flicked through to find a random playlist. She stood, staring blithely at nothing for a moment, drinking her straight liquor, letting it burn. She wanted to feel something; anything.
Despite it being after midnight, she picked up her phone again and dialled Ayanna. Eventually she answered. "Olivia…"
"Hi, I know I probably woke you up, I just need to talk to you…"
"Okay…" she replied slowly, "give me a moment."
There was some silence and some muffled voices before Ayanna picked up again. "Olivia, would you like me to send someone over to talk to you?"
"No," she replied frustratedly, "I want to talk to you, don't you dare protect him, I was here with my kid waiting for him to come home to dinner and finish planning our fucking family vacation with us-" she choked on a sob, "Noah was beside himself excited about a Yankees game this weekend— What. The. Fuck. Happened?"
"You really had no idea he was going…" Ayanna's voice trailed off. She had posed it like a question but she'd spoken the words more to herself.
Olivia was an inch from breaking down.
"Elliot got reprimanded and was told he'd be on desk duties for six months and he didn't take it well."
"For what?" Olivia sobbed again, "I feel like he had a secret life, like I don't even know this fucking man…"
There was so much reluctance from Ayanna and Olivia could feel it. "Tell me, Ayanna, or I'll find out myself, you know I can… I just didn't know I was supposed to be looking for signs that my fiancé was leaving me without so much as a fucking word!," she snapped.
"He got involved with Aldine's wife," she told her gently.
Olivia had to find somewhere to sit as everything reeled around her. "What the fuck…" she ran her fingers through her hair.
"But Liv, he was adamant that it was purely part of the job-"
"Fuck his job," she snapped again. She had never felt so betrayed - after she had told him about Cassidy and he had been furious for her. "What a fucking hypocrite…" she breathed the words out and with it, a tidal of feelings; anger mixed with disbelief and then an after layer of unsurprise.
"Fuck his fucking job, Ayanna. Elliot cheated on me and then he left me, he lied to all of you, he lied to me, he used my kid, he fucking took a coward's way out. Again!," she exploded. "I'm the fucking idiot this time, not him. Just me, I should have known better…"
"I'm so sorry Olivia," she quietly apologised.
"It's not your fault that I'm a gullible idiot."
"You're not an idiot, you didn't know. It sounds like he planned this so you'd have no way of knowing."
She shook her head. "Sorry for waking you, Ayanna. I'll talk to you later."
She found her legs again and sank down on a bar stool at the kitchen counter, reaching for the letter as the depressing mix began to play again.
And it took you five whole minutes, to pack us up and leave me with it, holding all of this love out here in the hall…
She put the envelope back down and stared at it. She picked up her drink and took a sip, the burn hurt her throat but it felt like a punishment not quite strong enough for her stupidity. She took a mouthful this time as the tears spilled down her face.
I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending… You're not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now? You were my town, now I'm in exile seeing you out, I think I've seen this film before…
Olivia buried her face in her hands and let it out - let out her anger, the dull ache beneath her rib cage from the hurt, the all-consuming betrayal she felt and the stupidity she felt for taking every word he spoke at face value.
She broke down, sobbing; sobbing silently so that she wouldn't wake her son. She would have given anything for Elliot to walk through the door and explain that she had everything wrong, that Ayanna had to say all that because he was too deeply in; or that it had been a big misunderstanding.
But she knew better.
In fact, she thought, she probably knew it all along - that all of it, all of the turn around, the kindness and the promises and the sweetness toward Noah and the fact that he had convinced her to stop taking birth control… she knew it wouldn't last.
She knew Elliot probably better than he knew himself and so why had she been so fucking stupid?
Second, third and hundredth chances, balancing on breaking branches, those eyes add insult to injury.
She wiped her eyes and drank more. She began opened up a text to the last conversation she'd had. Nick, Elliot left me. For good. I need you…
Nick was the only other person besides Amanda who had her back without reserve. He had seen her at her worst and been by her side through it all. She knew she'd regret texting him, telling him she needed him, she knew that the moment of weakness would pass and she would feel sterile again later, but in that moment all she wanted was the comfort of a real friend — someone who she wasn't at a stale impasse with over a man who never even wanted her anyway.
I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending. I'm not your problem anymore, so who am I offending now? You were my crown and now I'm in exile seeing you out. I think I've seen this film before, so now I'm leaving out the side door…
She couldn't believe the audacity of him manipulating everybody including herself and her son in to thinking he really had changed; that he'd put in the work at therapy and instead, putting to work all of his cunning to deceive them so calculatingly. The use her son to carry a letter that he could give to her; the one on the counter that she had got out of her bed to look at but now wanted to burn instead. His meticulous planning would have been funny if it didn't feel so agonising and gut-wrenchingly painful.
It was artful, clever — almost Machiavellian.
So step right out, there is no amount of crying I can do for you, all this time we always walked a very thin line, you didn't even hear me out, you never gave a warning sign…
Relief flooded her like a pouring rain after a bleak storm. Nick had replied. She knew though, this was only beginning, the storm had only just began and she didn't know how long or how hard it was going to take for her to be able to the light again. I know, I'm on my way. Amanda called me. I'm at the airport. I'll see you in the morning.
Olivia cried more; the guilt washing through her for disrupting Nick's life with her own drama. She texted him a few times, protesting his journey from California. Only to have a single response; Stop it, you're not talking me out of it. You said it yourself, you need me and I think Noah needs me too. You're my best friend and I would regret it deeply if I didn't give you whatever support you needed through this…My flight arrives at 6:10am. I'll call you when I arrive or if it's too early, I'll go past Amanda's and grab her key. Try to sleep, sweetheart.
She wiped her eyes and finished her drink. She got up to get another whisky and threw it straight back and let the burn set in, each time enjoying the pain. She poured again, this time her cup was almost half full. It would be enough to knock her out so she didn't have to think anymore.
All this time I never learned to read your mind… I couldn't turn things around, cause you never gave a warning sign…
Olivia took the glass of whisky with her, leaving the envelope on the countertop, maybe she'd feel different in the morning or maybe she would burn it. No amount of pacifying his words would try to do would ever make up for the betrayal; the knife to the soul.
She set her glass down and turned the lamp on. Noah stirred a little and opened his eyes to find his Mom standing beside the bed, pulling the covers back. "Sweetie, pop yourself under the blanket," she whispered.
Noah grumbled but did as he was told. He rolled over and Olivia pulled the covers up over him, pushing his curls out off his face, kissing his temple. She went to her closet and found the matching onesie. She knew when he woke up and saw her in it, it would make him feel like he'd cheered her up.
She turned the air on, knowing Noah ran hot while he slept. She didn't, but she didn't mind, her anger mixed with wooziness from how her body had gone to shock along with the whisky had all made her a little warmer too. Still, liking to be cozy, Olivia took her throw blanket and wrapped it around herself tightly and sat up against her bed head.
She turned the television on and flipped through the channels until she found an old black and white film. She sipped at her drink and tried to relax, wishing she'd thought to take an ambien pill before she got comfortable but maybe it was better that she didn't, she knew better than to mix pills with alcohol.
All this time, I never learned to read your mind. I couldn't turn things around, cause you never gave a warning sign…
So many signs.
So many signs…
/
Present
Olivia didn't remember when she fell asleep, but she felt bad. Her mouth tasted disgusting from the alcohol and she was hot from the bad dream about Elliot she'd had. The last thing she remembered was Trevor embracing her. He laid back, sleeping and looking incredibly uncomfortable.
She got up and went to the bathroom. She spotted some mouthwash and had a big gulp of water, cupping it from the faucet in to her mouth before swishing some listerine in her mouth a little before spitting it out. She wanted to clean the make up off her face but she didn't want to wake Trevor by rifling through her overnight bag.
She sighed and turned the light off. "Hey sweetie, are you okay?," he asked sleepily.
"Yeah… I'm just hot…" she murmured with a yawn, "sorry, I fell asleep."
"Its okay, you were tired," he replied. He sat up, "are you done in the bathroom for the moment?"
"Yeah… I just have to clean my make up off."
"Okay… I just need to pee real fast," he informed her, sluggishly getting out of bed, pausing in the middle of the room before her, reaching for her, resting his hands on her hips so he could tower over her. He pressed his lips against hers before letting her go and closing the bathroom door behind him.
She found her bag and pulled out her amenities case and waited for him on the foot of his bed. He reappeared a few seconds later. "I'll put the air on," he announced, getting back in to bed and turning on his lamp to put on his glasses so he could see the a/c remote.
Olivia went back to the bathroom and washed off her make up and moisturised. It was only 1:30am. She finished up patting the back of her neck with some cool water to try to cool herself down.
"Are you okay?" Trevor asked again when she put her amenities away and got back in to bed.
She yawned again, "Yeah… I just feel bummed that I ruined our date by falling asleep on you."
"Are you kidding?," he smiled wearily. "I was so happy you managed to sleep, that you were comfortable enough in my arms to relax to that degree."
"You're very easy to be comfortable around…." She glanced up at him, meeting his eyes, he looked a little bleary-eyed but he was so sexy with no shirt and just his glasses. "So comfortable that if it's not going to be confronting for you, I think I'm gonna sleep in my panties…"
"I am okay with that," he replied, before they both chuckled. He reached for the hem of his well-worn t-shirt and lifted it over her head. "There… I get to sleep beside the best woman with the best body ever, I'm pretty happy about that."
"Ooooft, stop that," she replied, not even minding that he was admiring her chest. She really did feel comfortable with him. Suddenly it hit her what she had been discussing before she shut down earlier. "Trev, I'm sorry about clamming up earlier talking about Elliot—"
"Don't apologise," he told her, "I'm not upset, I know in due time you'll tell me what you need to tell me about that situation. Its okay that it's hard for you, I understand that. You just need time."
She nodded slowly. "Thanks…" she eased back down beside him. He took his glasses back off.
"Goodnight Olivia… wake me up if you get up before me."
She felt happy with the air conditioning air blowing right on her. Trevor held his arms open and she curled in to the crook of his shoulder, sliding her arm around his torso. "Goodnight Trevor…"
/
Olivia woke up first; she'd had a restless sleep, digging up the past right before bed and also thinking of what he'd been through too; it was just a lot. She glanced at the sight-for-sore eyes beside her and put an arm around him, running her fingers through the sparse hair on his chest, kissing his well defined bicep.
As soon as he began to stir, she kissed him again. She reached up further, letting her hand travel up over her his sternum, toward his neck, smoothing his skin until she reached his cheek. She let her fingers run through his short, silvering beard. He turned his head, opening his eyes sleepily with a small smile adorning his thin, pale lips. "Hmmm…" he murmured feeling her thumb softly swipe along the sensitive tissue. He kissed the pad of her finger and surveyed the topless beauty beside him. She had kicked off the blankets while they slept and it was fine; he wasn't used to how warm it got when another person slept beside him.
"Good morning," he greeted her, feeling the unmistakable sensation of an erection immediate in the making. It couldn't be helped, not when he saw the two perfect globes of flesh between them, her nipples a soft dusty rose in full bloom— alert, pressing in to his side.
"Morning…" she murmured, also sleepy. He rolled over on to his front, raising himself up on his forearm, leaning over her to kiss her lips. "I know I have morning breath," he advised her, "but I'm pushing my insecurity about that aside for the second…"
"I already got up and used your mouth wash just before," she told him with a little cheeky smile.
"I'd get up but uh… I've kind of pitched a tent here…" he couldn't help but to joke.
Olivia looked down involuntarily but she couldn't see anything, they were covered up to their hips. "Sorry, it's a morning thing…"
"I know, its okay. I'm not offended, Trevor, you can go and wash your mouth, I won't even look…"
"Yeah right," he joked, but he was halfway up anyway. He turned his back discreetly and headed to the bathroom. He was gone for longer than it would have taken to rinse his mouth out; she knew he was probably trying to will his morning boner away.
He reemerged, trying to act like everything was normal save for the giant bulge in his boxer-briefs. Olivia couldn't help but to smirk at him. She saw his face heat up. "You…" he shook his head with a little grin, "you are so audacious with your sexy little smiles and your love for teasing…" he told her, climbing over her, pinning her wrists down over her head; careful to be gentle so that she could pull away if she had any issues.
She didn't. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. She could feel his bulge at her waist and wriggled her body up just slightly so that she could feel him between her thighs. He kissed her lips a few times; the warmth of his tongue, brushing against hers, he held her still, kissing her firmly with a slow, sensuous rhythm that began to extend to the rest of their bodies.
He felt her arch in to him; his erection resting against her opening, the only thing separating flesh on flesh was the fabric that held him in place and what he was sure felt like her arousal enticing him. His eyes darkened a little with intent as he pulled away, staring in to hers for a moment. "I want you right now…" he told her directly as he traced soft patterns around her collarbone, laying some soft kisses around her shoulders and neck and jaw.
"Me too…" she huffed. "I want you…" his hips rolled involuntarily, causing her to gasp from the friction between them. "Undress," she told him bluntly, "take your underwear off…"
He didn't need to be asked twice. She gave him a gentle push on to his back and began to kiss him, trailing her hand down his chest; her fingertips grazing all over him, her touch was so light, almost tickling that his body shivered beneath her. He reached up, taking her face in his hand, guiding her close to him so he could kiss her more passionately.
He moaned in to her mouth as her hand drew lower and lower, stopping at the base of his shaft before traveling back up to his waist again, teasing him over and over, touching him everywhere but where he wanted her hand the most. She squeezed his inner thighs, giggling as he groaned again.
"Liv…. Fuck, I feel like I'm going to pass out…" his desperate words came almost as a plea until he was able to laugh breathlessly knowing just how much joy she was deriving from his backward begging. Finally, he arched his back as he felt her hand wrapped around his shaft.
"Is this what you want, love?" She asked, her voice tinged with delight knowing that he was completely yielding to her mercy. Her soft hand glided over him, slow at first, teasingly. He quivered beneath her. She brushed her smooth lips against his neck, planting a few kisses before sinking her teeth softly in to his earlobe, gently, pulling downward.
His moan erupted from his throat almost like a growl that he couldn't contain. His body was awash with sensations that aroused him, making him rock hard in her hand. She ran her tongue along the shell of his ear, whimpering against it as he slid his hand between her ass and the mattress where she sat, leaning over him, giving him all of her attention.
She hissed softly and it was all he could do not to just let go and allow her to continue her onslaught of pleasure. Momentarily their eyes locked, he watched her watching him, studying his face for what he liked most. He felt good, comfortable with the level of intimacy that passed through them. She continued to stroke him as he lay back, taking it, letting his eyes fall shut as she enjoyed giving him the same treatment he had given her the night before.
It had been so long that he knew he was just a short move away from coming. Her eyes sparkled as she could feel how close he was, swiping her thumb over his smooth tip. She kissed her way down his chest as though she was on an exploration to find what he would deem as the treasure. She couldn't wait to feel him twitch in her warm mouth and hear him moan with excitement.
She glanced up at him, making eye contact as she held the base of his erection and guided it in to her mouth. He cursed and flopped down on the pillow.
The sound of his pleasured moans filled the space around them, as her mouth closed around him. She felt powerful and in control — it had been a long time since she had attempted to give a oral sex and it had never come without an insulting appraisal afterward that made her feel like she'd done a bad job. She was nervous but willing to get it perfect if he had any advice — she knew anything Trevor told her would be with love and not insulting.
Olivia loved the way he begged and called her name before his sentences were extinguished in the air by a gasp or another hiss. She took him as deep as she could, contracting her throat muscles, causing something within him that felt other-worldly. Her cheeks hollowed as she explored him with her tongue, sucking him, knowing from experience, noises added to the pleasure.
He couldn't stand it, it was too good, she was too good. He felt like their intimate connection was everything, she knew innately what felt good to him and she wasn't afraid to do what she could to make him feel things he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. She bobbed up and down on his cock, realising he was close to release. She swirled her tongue around his head, swiping the tip until he begged her to stop.
"I want to you," he told her, "stop, stop… do you want me?"
"Yeah," she told him, removing his penis from her mouth with a satisfying pop. "What's best for you? What do you like best?," he asked, breathless and a little urgent.
"Whatever-"
"No, don't whatever me," he told her firmly, "tell me, I want you to enjoy this, just you get to whatever position is good…"
"On top, that way… I can go slow, I don't know how it's going to be," she told him vulnerably. "It's been a long time and you're…." She paused, "well… you're very, very erect."
They both managed a laugh. He laid down flat on his back and helped her climb over him. He reached down, holding his shaft as she kneeled down, thinking almost comically about how their inhibitions were completely lost. He watched as his cock slowly disappeared as she lowered herself down on to him. The warmth of her spread out all over his body and made him involuntarily shiver.
"Oh shit that feels amazing," he remarked, "you feel so good," he added.
"Mmm…" she concentrated, still trying to figure out how much of him she could take before it would hurt.
"Are you okay?," he asked, pushing aside his feelings as best as he could, trying to focus on her.
"Yeah," she flashed him a smile, "I'm fine, just… give me a second…" she felt the pressure and a fullness within her. "Okay, I'm good, can we …" she paused, "can you-"
"What do you need Liv? Do you need to change positions? On your back?"
She nodded, thankful that he could read her body so well already. "Thanks…" he grabbed her by the hips and flipped her over. "You tell me if I'm hurting you or if I'm moving too deep, okay?"
"Thanks…" she nodded. She felt him sinking within her warmth again. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the feel of him slowly moving in and out, trying to get her used to him, he watched her closely and could almost pinpoint exactly when it turned to pleasure.
Slowly Trevor felt her body start to respond to him, her hips rising to match his thrusts, slow and strong. Olivia let out a gasp as he hit a little deeper. "Sorry," he apologised, wincing, feeling bad.
"No, no…" she hissed with a chuckle, "its good, its very, very good…" her breath hitched as he continued dipping in a little deeper each time, thrusting firmly, making her entire body lift from the bed to meet his hips. She wrapped her legs tight around him, her body molded against his and he knew from the way she pulled him tighter that she was trying to get more of him.
His own desire increased and the sensation in his lower stomach was peaking. Olivia could feel him consuming her, hungrily thrusting harder, deeper and faster but she didn't mind at all. He kissed her between thrusts, his hips rocking against hers as her limbs held on tighter. He got closer to the precipice, shocked he'd lasted even this long since the years it had been since he'd had sex.
He drove himself with everything he had, over and over and Olivia yelled out with pleasure, enjoying feeling him hit that spot deep within her that she'd rarely encountered before. Her body shook and she felt him filling her up before sliding back out, his cock slick with her arousal as he continually repeated his motion, his breath hitched, Olivia almost entirely spent when she felt the top side of his shaft graze against her clit as he withdrew from her.
She felt herself tight around him as she cursed with pleasure, telling him how good she felt. "Like that…" she murmured, "whatever that was," she told him breathless and urgent, "do that again, fuck…."
He tried again but missed and then figured out quickly what she was talking about. He angled his hips just so and plunged within her over and over and over until he felt her contracting around him — he was glad, he was about to come. It only took a minute or so longer until he felt her thighs begin to convulse beneath him, shots of electricity seemed to course through both of them as he felt himself spill out within her.
Olivia felt her body shuddering as he groaned, as his entire body stifferned and she felt his warmth spilling out of her. She let out a sharp gasp, the sensation of him coming made her body tingle longer, made the orgasm last until her body went limp, save for the involuntary jittering of her legs.
Trevor did his best not to lay his weight over her. He stroked her hair and kissed her lips. "Are you okay?"
She smiled at him and nodded. "Yes…. So good… You?"
He let a grin spread across his lips. "Yes, I'm good baby. I'm very good…"
"I hope we get to do that again many, many many times," she told him. She felt a little ounce of regret feeling him discreetly withdrawing from her. "Mmm, we should have used protection," she remarked.
"Sorry…" he winced and she knew that he'd just got caught up.
"Its okay. I'm on birth control…how long has it been for you? I know you don't sleep around…" her voice trailed, "but that's not really an excuse."
"I know but… yeah, still." He caressed her flush cheeks with his forefingers, "sorry, I should have been better prepared."
"No, its okay, don't worry about it," she murmured, "it's not going to ruin our morning… we'll just be better prepared for next time,"
He smiled sliding his hand behind her head and kissing her again. "I love you… and thank you for…" he could barely say the words which she thought was adorable, he motioned toward his crotch, "for that,".
Olivia smiled at his shyness. "For going down on you?"
"Yeah… I hope you know I didn't expect you to do that, it was nice, but it's okay if you don't want to—"
"Wait, why? Was I bad? You can tell me, I'll practice. I want to please you."
"What?! No!," he exclaimed with shock, "that was not at all bad… I could barely hold back, I just want you to know that if it's not something youre comfortable with, it's alright."
"I was comfortable, but… I want you to tell me if there's something I can do different, I want you to feel like you want to come every time, and if I don't make you feel like that, you have to tell me…"
He grabbed her shoulders gently and smiled, "Olivia, why are you so down on yourself? You were perfect. You were… really, really amazing."
"Promise?," she looked at him seriously and it occurred to him that she genuinely was second guessing herself.
"I promise with all my heart and soul. Baby, I don't want to do any comparing with anyone to make you feel weird, but it's up there as one of the best times… so please don't worry."
"Okay," she smiled. "Good." She thought for a second as her hand glided back and forth over his rock hard pecs, "also, remember last night when you did the same for me?"
"Yes? Was alright?," he asked.
She smiled, her cheeks flushing remembering how she had almost stopped him. "Yes. I didn't expect that either," she admitted, "sex has always been something that's made me feel a little bad…."
"What? In what way?"
"Just… it's always something I'm either not doing right, getting notes afterward of how to improve— and hardly ever receiving oral sex save maybe for a special occasion. I'm used to it just being something I do to make sure someone stays around…" she paused, "that's so fucked up, I can't believe I just said that out loud."
He surveyed her, studying her face for signs of sadness but she had expressed what she had as a fact without feelings. He felt terrible. "Im so sorry to hear that, Olivia. I don't ever want you to feel like that with me… your body is… it's a gift, it's beautiful and it's a fucking turn on quite frankly, I could barely keep it in my pants when I woke up and saw your boobs," he flashed her a smile, "but I love you and part of loving someone is wanting them to feel good and happy and most of all, satisfied…"
"Thanks, Trevor. I love you too. I want you to feel satisfied as well, I really want that for you."
"See? The way you feel about that for me is the way I feel about it for you," he smiled empathetically, "welcome to a healthy, reciprocal relationship my sweet…" he kissed her lingering. "And I feel very, very satisfied."
He caressed her shoulders absently, his eyes all over her, drunk with adoration and love and that feeling of a new beginning. "Wanna go to breakfast or do you want me to make you breakfast?"
"Mmm…" she thought about it. "What's your best breakfast recipe?"
"Banana pancakes …. Or… I could take you to my favourite breakfast place, French pastries, sweet and savoury and… amazing coffee."
She closed her eyes and sighed, "that sounds amazing, let's do that…"
Trevor grinned at her. "Wanna shower with me, or is that something you'd prefer to do alone?"
"Mmm usually I'd prefer to shower alone, but I actually feel like I could swallow you whole right now because you're so fucking amazing, so let's conserve water…"
He chuckled, "Wow," he grinned, "I fucking love you…" he grabbed her where face with both hands and made a great dramatic show of kissing her mouth, "you're the best human ever… no fucking wonder your kid stood out to me…"
He sat up and took her hands, helping her up. "Hey Trev…"
"Yes, love?"
"I struggled last night to tell you about Elliot because I still feel so much shame and embarrassment over the way he left," she told him slowly, "but I want to tell you what he did so that you understand why I'm so…" she searched for the right word, "I'm just scared."
"Do you want to tell me now?," he wondered.
"Uh…" she paused, "I'll try to tell you what I can…"
"Okay," he laid back down and pulled her in to him. "Just tell me as much as you're comfortable with."
Olivia got comfortable back in his arms, pulling the covers up beneath her arms. She began her end part of her story, figuring that she'd fill in the gaps as time went on. "So, Elliot had gone under cover, things were going well… I got home from work and there was a big bunch of the most beautiful, colourful bouquet and these books he got from his ex that we were all pretty friendly with still, they were about Italy because we were planning a holiday with Noah on the Amalfi coast…" her voice trailed off.
