Hey everyone, sorry this took so long, im at a busy period of life, but i am getting to my updates as quickly as I can. Enjoy! Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!


"No, Liv, that's not appropriate," Trevor told her firmly. He stepped in front of her and opened Noah's door.

"Noah, I don't care what you've got going on, you have no right to speak to your mother like that," Trevor barged in, finding the teen on his bed, punching the mattress, fighting his tears, struggling to breathe through his fury.

"Get out, I don't want to talk to either of you-"

"Noah!," he exclaimed.

"You're not my father!," he exploded, jumping up with rage, threading past his mother's boyfriend, going to the front door and slipping his shoes on. "Leave me alone, don't look for me. I want to be by myself." He opened the apartment door and let himself out.

"What the hell was that?" Olivia asked, shocked.

Trevor was speechless and maybe just a little bit hurt by Noah's words. "I'm sorry if I— I overstepped," he stammered.

"No. Its okay it's just—" she felt her eyes fill with tears, "I don't know why he's so angry, I've never seen him that angry before."

/

Noah found himself at the park and put his head phones on his head, turning the volume up as loud as it would allow and began to run the path despite the fact that he wasn't really wearing the right clothes for it. He didn't care, it made him feel better to listen to the even pattern of his sneakers pounding the pavement in a rhythm that brought him some comfort.

It was starting to get dark when he pulled off the bath and stood over a bench to catch his breath. He didn't want to think about his Mom or Trevor or anything he had read but it kept hitting him that he had been lied to his whole life. It hurt that he didn't even get to hear the truth from his own mother, but a bully at school.

He realised without intention he was heading to Sonny and Amandas. He hoped Amanda wasn't home, she had kept it from him too. She had been in the courtroom at the time; she had lied by omission — he ignored the fact that Sonny had too, but that wasn't the point, he needed to talk and Sonny was always the one who listened without judgment.

So did Trevor too, but Noah wasn't allowing himself to unfold in front of Trevor when his conflict of his interest was with Olivia.

He put in the key when he got to the Carisi's building and let himself up to their apartment. He wiped his eyes, realising he was still crying from the anger that was flaming within him with no other outlet. The door opened, Jesse stood in the doorway looking at him strangely, "Hi Noah, what's wrong?"

"Is your Dad home?," he asked. Jesse stepped out of the way, "yeah come in, are you alright?"

"No," he sobbed, "I just wanna speak to your Dad."

"Okay, I'll just get him." Noah stood in the doorway not wanting to come in. Sonny appeared, "Hey kiddo, come inside," he said softly.

Noah knew immediately by Sonny's unsurprised greeting that Olivia had already been in touch with him. "I don't want Mom to know I'm here, don't tell her," he said firmly between sobs.

"Okay, come on, come inside."

He shook his head again, "I can't I don't want Jesse and Billie to see me like this…" he wiped his eyes. Sonny looked over his shoulder. "Wait here…"

A few moments later he reappeared, "come on, come inside. We'll go sit outside on the balcony, Aunt Amanda will keep the girls and Levi away for now."

Reluctantly Noah followed Sonny inside and straight out to the balcony, closing the sliding door behind him.

"My Mom messaged you didn't she?"

"Yes, she's really worried she has no idea what happened for you to leave so angrily and neither do I, so… do you want to tell me what happened?," Sonny gestured for Noah to take a seat.

"I don't want to sit," he paced, "I'm so … fucking angry!," he snapped, "she lied to me, she lied to me all of this time! And I had to find out from the fucking dumb-ass, beef cake at school who's tormenting me over her relationship with Trevor."

"Find out what?," Sonny pressed.

"About my biological father!" Noah exploded, "she knew all along! She told me he loved me but passed away, she told me some fucking bullshit fairytale story about him that I ate up for as long as I can remember…" he wiped his tears as he paced back and forth. "You know, I know my Mom is a lot of things, but I never thought she'd be a liar — not about something like this."

Sonny felt a sinking feeling in his stomach for Noah. He was unaware of what Olivia had told him regarding Johnny Drake. "Noah, take some deep breaths, I know you're very, very angry, I can see it… but I need you to breathe."

He finally sat and buried his face in his hands and began to sob. Sonny moved from the stone bench on the opposite side of the matching table to sit beside him, putting an arm around him. "Its okay to be furious, kiddo, I'd be mad too if I had a bully telling me my own business."

He saw Amanda appear behind the glass door motioning to come out. He shook his head, warning her not to. She showed him her phone, Olivia was on the call. He simply gave her a thumbs up — silent communication to let their friend know that Noah was safe.

Sonny waited for him to calm down. "I just had it in my head that my biological father was a good guy, who would have been a good Dad who loved me and would have been a great man if I had the chance to meet him or even go to him…" he admitted, sniffing and wiping his eyes. "If she just told me the truth, I wouldnt have had these fucking ridiculous yearning and regret over some guy who didn't give a fuck about me."

For once Sonny was speechless, but he had an idea, something he had heard about in a team building exercise that he had heard about when he was on paternity leave that the rest of the team got to do. "I bet you just want to riot with all that anger built up inside of you."

Noah nodded, "I don't want to go home because all I want to do is scream at her."

"I get it," Sonny agreed. "I have an idea. I'm gonna go get you a drink of water, I'm gonna check out a place I want to take you to, to make sure its open and make sure aunt Amanda is okay with the kids."

"Okay," Noah murmured, running his fingers through his curls.

/

"Fuck!" Olivia cursed, "fuck, fuck fuck, fuck!"

"What?" Trevor asked, "is he okay?"

"Yeah… he's at Sonny and Amanda's place. Trev could you please go and grab Noah's laptop? It'll be on his desk…"

"Sure…" Trevor jumped up and made his way to Noah's room and searched his desk. The laptop was gone, as he was about to go and tell Olivia, he spotted it on the bed, the lid closed, next to where she had found him when she got home. He picked it up and took it out to her.

Olivia opened up the lid and put in a password and there it was; right before her eyes, the long feature article about Johnny D and the news article of what happened the day after he had been killed.

She rubbed her face with frustration, "this is all my fault," she murmured. "I knew it. I knew this needed to be addressed, I let it go for too long," she rambled.

"Olivia, I don't understand," Trevor told her softly, trying to get what she was talking about.

"Read the article…" she handed him the laptop. Beside her on the couch, Trevor began to read. He glanced at Olivia when he was finished. "Noah didn't know about his father?"

She shook her head, "no, but how on earth could I ever tell him what a monster his father was? When he started asking, I just had to tell him something and he was… maybe 6? How could I look in to those gorgeous blue eyes and tell him 'sorry babe, your Dad raped your Mom and then sold her like she was half-off at a yard sale and murdered others and trafficked women and children for around twenty years!?"

"You couldn't Liv… there's no way, even at fourteen, how were you supposed to tell the truth like that?"

"I'm a fucking idiot, I should have told him… fucking Peter Blasko-"

"What!?" Trevor snapped back after placing the laptop down on the coffee table. "What about Peter?"

"He told Noah today, tormented him with it, that's how he found out and obviously came home to look it up… that's what Amanda said… the poor kid, fuck, I just want to give him a hug and tell him how sorry I am."

"That kid is getting kicked off the team, I've had enough of his bullshit," Trevor fumed. "I'm so sorry this happened Liv," he apologised, catching himself before he made it about the wrong problem.

"Amanda said he was furious and sobbing and that Sonny told her to tell me to just give him some time to calm down and maybe some space."

"Maybe that's a good idea," Trevor agreed. "Liv, I know the last thing you want to do is try to relax, but this is not your fault-"

"No, it's definitely my fault. I thought I was protecting him, not making it fucking worse…" she shook her head in disbelief, staring at the blank TV screen, letting her thoughts trail.

She felt Trevor take her hand. "Exactly, you did the right thing — what any other parent would do," he pointed out, "we all make the choices in the moment that we think are right… why would you think for half a second that this little bastards would have gone out of their way to dig up stuff about him online."

She shook her head again and just shrugged.

"Olivia go and have a shower and put your pajamas on. I'll make you something quick and easy for dinner, you need to eat something."

"K…" she replied. "Should I text him? I should text him…" she picked up her phone which he noticed was an updated photo of both Trevor and Noah from their mini vacation upstate to his parents house.

"Maybe just give it some time," he told her gently, "have your shower, we'll have dinner and then by then he might have calmed down just enough to not get angered by a text," Trevor suggested.

"Yeah, you're probably right…" Olivia replied.

Trevor put an arm around her and drew her close to him, kissing her temple. "It'll be okay baby, I promise… he won't stay angry with you. He loves his Mom so much."

/

"Where are we Uncle Sonny? I don't want a life lesson, I just want to … be anywhere but where my Mom is at."

"Just… trust me," Sonny told him, opening up the door of the building and motioning for Noah to take a step in. They walked up to a front desk and Sonny spoke to the woman. "I just have a single entry booking for this one," he pointed at Noah with his thumb as Noah looked around, not quite understanding.

"Okay," the woman said, "follow me guys," they followed her down to a lift and up to the third floor and handed them over to a man just pulled a door shut behind him. "Who's the lucky Wreck-it-Ralph?," he joked.

Noah stared at the assistant, humourless.

"This guy," Sonny smiled.

"Great, are you Dad?"

"Uncle," Sonny replied. "I'll take your bag, Noah."

"What are we even doing here?," he asked impatiently, "what is this place?"

The guy looked at Sonny and back to Noah with a little bit of reluctance.

"You're going to go in to the room, suit up, follow the safety instructions from this good man," Sonny nodded to the assistant, "and then you have the freedom to break whatever you want in the room, using whatever tool or instrument you want."

"And it's sound-proof," the assistant told him, "you can scream or yell or curse and no one will really be able to hear."

"It can't hurt to try, can it?" Sonny asked.

"Guess not," Noah mumbled, shedding his bag and handing him his phone which Sonny placed right in his pocket for safe-keeping. He followed the assistant in to the room and Sonny was able to walk around and view what was going on from behind a break proof-window.

"Pretend something in there is Blasko's face," Sonny called after him.

He watched Noah pull a safety suit on and the assistant went through the different tools he could use; a sledge hammer, a small hammer, a pick-axe or simply throw things with his hands. Noah pulled safety goggles down over his face.

Noah picked up the sledge hammer and looked around at the piles of breakable things that had clearly been set up in a way to imitate a real, cluttered room. There was fine china, glass and other bits of furniture, obviously flimsily made.

Shocking him, was the fury that passed over Olivia's son's face as he opened his mouth and screamed out a curse word that could be faintly heard through the walls. He began a rampage against everything in the room, screaming and swearing before finally kicking things and throwing stuff across the room.

If Noah hadn't have been seen furious, Sonny would have taken video to show Liv. For almost twenty minutes Noah smashed and broke objects, making a wooden table cave in with the sledge hammer before he finally dropped it and fell to his knees, out of energy, his voice giving out, his anger, at last, dissipating.

Sonny suspected he was sobbing, but wanted to allow him a minute to collect himself. The assistant glanced up and over at the detective. Sonny smiled at him, "it's been a rough day for him," he said by way of explanation, "he needed to get rid of some rage."

"Poor kid," he reached behind his little counter down to a refrigerator and presented Sonny with a bottle of strawberry Gatorade. "Here, on the house for when he comes out, those suits are hot and if that rage was anything to go by, he is going to be sweating up a storm."

"Thank you," Sonny smiled, "that's really kind of you."

He took the bottle and took a seat, waiting for Noah to come out. A good few moments later he emerged, red-faced and sweaty just like the assistant had suggested.

"Hey kiddo, how'd you go?," he said, handing him the drink.

"Thanks," he replied in a soft voice. The anger that had filled his face was gone and now it was replaced with sadness. Sonny understood. "I'm okay."

"Okay, let's get you home, huh?"

Noah shook his head, "can I just stay with you guys tonight? I don't want to see Mom."

"I'm gonna have to call her and have a chat with her, but I think she will understand. You know, she's upset too, kiddo."

"She should be upset. She lied to me for 14 years and not just any lie, it was a really big lie."

"Well, let's get out of here… and I'll speak to Mom and see what she says, but if she wants you home Noah, you gotta go home."

The teen said nothing. He glanced at the assistant and gave him a sheepish smile. "Thanks," he told him, "for your help."

"Have a good night, guys…"

/

"He wants to stay at Sonny and Amandas tonight," Liv told Trevor with a sigh. "I want him to come home so I can talk to him, but… I feel like he isn't going to listen to anything I have to say until he's ready, so, do you think it's better to give him some space?"

"Maybe," Trevor replied. "I don't know Liv, it's your call."

"I'll let it go for one night and let him leave me in this sad anxious mess…" she sighed. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I really ruined our night."

"No, baby, its okay, I understand. You have a teenage boy, these upheavals will happen," Trevor told her. They were sitting across from each other, eating dinner. Or at least, Trevor was, Olivia was avoiding the grilled cheese and bacon in front of her. "Just, please make sure you eat… I know you're upset, but you've had a super busy day and you need to eat something."

She sighed and picked up half of the sandwich and took a bite if only to appease him. She picked her phone up and replied to Sonny's text, she agreed that Noah deserved to have his space respected but that she would expect him home after school the next day.

As soon as Trevor got up to go clear his plate and have a shower she put the rest of her grilled cheese in the trash and went and curled up on the couch, trying to concentrate on anything but what had happened earlier.

/

Noah went straight to the room where he normally slept which his second family always lovingly referred to as his room. He thankfully had some spare clothes there. He borrowed a t-shirt from Sonny and changed in to the gym pants that were in the drawer by the bed. He went out to the living room; it was late, Billie and Jesse were in bed and Amanda was sitting on the recliner with Levi cuddling her.

He sat down on the edge of the love-seat and glanced at his aunt. "I think I might go and lay down…" he told her.

Amanda hadn't really ever seen him look so… broken. She felt sad for him but she really wanted him to talk it out with Liv. "When Uncle Sonny gets out of the shower, I'll come in for a chat, is that okay?"

"I guess… but… if you're gonna defend Mom, I don't know if I want to hear it." He paused, "even you've been mad at her to the point of not wanting to forgive her, literally for years-," he pointed out.

"That's not entirely fair, but I'm not taking sides, Noah, I just want to talk with you. I can see you're really upset and I think you've had enough masculine energy, maybe you need me for a change…"

Noah shrugged, "Okay," he simply agreed. He made his way over to Levi and smiled briefly. "Did you work with Mom on the case where they found the kids and the baby?," he asked.

"No, Uncle Sonny did…"

"I told Mom that she found my sister," he smiled, leaning over to kiss Levi goodnight. "Did you know she found her almost the same way she found me?"

"I did know that," Amanda replied, keeping her surprise at his admission at bay, "I didn't know you wanted a sibling."

He shrugged again, "I just didn't want Elliot to give Mom a baby because he would have hated me even more than he already did…"

"Well honey, Elliot Stabler is a prick and I think you're old enough to hear us adults say that for the honesty that it is."

Her comment roused a smile upon Noah's lips. He figured maybe it was time for some one-on-one with Amanda. It didn't come as often as it used to when he was younger. "I'll wait for you to come and talk to me,"

"Okay kiddo, won't be long. Would you like me to bring you a warm cocoa?"

Noah smiled thinking of how whenever he stayed with his grandma, she always sat with him before bed with some warm cocoa and either a story or a conversation about her late husband that she always promised Noah he would have loved. "Okay," he nodded, "Thanks, 'Manda."

/

Noah stared at his phone, rereading the same article over and over, looking at pictures of his father to look for any resemblance and besides the blue eyes there were no similarities to note.

Amanda knocked on the door and pushed it open holding two mugs. He closed his phone and gave her a weary smile. "Here you go, kiddo… move over, my legs hurt, I've been standing all day." He took her mug too and moved over to the other side of the double bed.

Amanda sat down with a sigh of relief. "Thanks," she remarked gratefully once Noah handed her back her mug when she was comfortable. "So… did you text Mom at all?"

"Nope," Noah replied. "She sent me some bullshit message…"

"Noah," Amanda began with a sigh, "I hope you have the maturity to understand that even though maybe your Mom made a mistake with leaving out a big part of the truth about your biological Dad, no part of her decision was made to hurt your feelings, if anything it was out of protection."

Noah laid his head back and stared at the ceiling with frustration.

"I know you don't want to hear it, Noah, but loving someone is sometimes telling them the truth regardless of whether or not they're going to like it," she told him, turning to look at him.

"I'm mad, Amanda, because Mom and I have always told the truth and-"

"Wait, you lied to your Mom when she asked you about Kaci, about whether or not you knew if her Dad had been violent, right? And when you told her the truth, did she get angry with you?"

"No," he murmured, "but this isn't the same,"

"Actually it is. Noah, I have known you since the night we found you — I was there. Your Mom loves you more than I can ever aptly convey with my own words…"

Noah said nothing, he continued to stare at the ceiling in silence. He felt the tears welling in his eyes as they spilled down the sides of his face.

"It really pains me to see you this sad, honey," Amanda murmured, wiping his tears away. "I just need you to understand… without telling your Mom's business, Noah, she's been through a lot, more than you could ever imagine and you were the glimmer of hope amongst all of the pain and the heartache she went through from her childhood until you came along."

"Don't try to guilty me," he whispered, fearful that he'd begin sobbing.

"I'm not trying to guilt you, Noah, you're getting older and you need to know that… your Mom was just trying to protect you, she's probably at home sick with sadness over this. I know you know that."

"What if I'm like him?" Noah asked, turning to Amanda finally. "What if-…"

"No," she shook her head, "no honey, you're nothing like him and if I'm honest, you don't even look like him."

He wiped his eyes, "what about the way my brain works— I get these bursts of anger," he admitted.

"That's okay, we all have bursts of anger— you're going through puberty, it's totally normal that emotions are heightened."

Noah wasn't convinced. "Did my father murder people?," he asked. "Did he murder my biological Mom?"

"No, he didn't murder Ellie," Amanda replied, "but he wasn't a good guy, Noah and your Mom did your best to try to make you grow up, feeling well-adjusted and happy without the burden of biology hanging over your head and I am so sure she planned on telling you the truth in her own way."

"How dare she withhold this from me?" Noah asked, his voice rising, "she has no idea how it feels to know you're from two people, one an addict who probably sold me or did goodness knows what else, and a filthy criminal, murderer, rapist, paedophile—whatever—"

"Honey, I think your Mom might understand you more than you think," Amanda told him gently. She kissed his temple. "Its getting late, I hope you can get some sleep, I've made you some lunch for school tomorrow and Uncle Sonny will come and say goodnight in a minute, tomorrow after school you can come back here if you like, ok?"

Noah nodded. "Love you, Noah, give your mother the grace of forgiveness — or at least the ability to let her talk in a capacity where you'll listen."

Noah grunted. Amanda couldn't help but to smile. She kissed his forehead again. "Goodnight."

/

"Hey baby, what's up?" Olivia asked, glancing at Amanda who sat across from her; both of them taking a much-needed coffee break.

"Hi sweetie, I don't want to alarm you, but Noah isn't at school. I've tried calling his cell but I've got nothing, he won't pick up… do you want to give him a try or get Amanda or Sonny to call him?"

Olivia's heart leapt in to her throat. "K… fuck, okay I'll call him now. Thanks."

"Don't panic, Liv, I'm sure he's okay, he's just angry and playing hooky to avoid the little shits who caused all this."

"I know… but this is so out of character," she sighed, "k, gotta go, I'll keep you updated, love you."

"Love you too," he replied.

/

"I can't believe your Mom let you have the day off to see me," Kaci smiled, "it's so good to see you, it feels like it's been forever."

Noah followed Kaci inside and smiled, greeting her grandparents for the third time that they met. It was his first time ever going inside her apartment. It was clean and tidy and Kaci seemed comfortable being back there. "Grandma, is it okay if Noah and I go sit in my room? I'll keep the door open."

"Of course, sweetheart. Noah would you like a drink or something to eat?"

"No thank you, I'm fine," he smiled, following his friend down a short hallway to her bedroom. He looked around the pink room, "this is so cute, Kace!," he exclaimed, I love it!"

"Oh, Grandma and Grandpa took me shopping yesterday and told me I could get stuff to make my room more me… I wasn't allowed to really do anything in here with my Dad around. He always had weird rules," she murmured.

"Wow, did you have this Nintendo before?," he asked, looking at a Switch on her desk. Kaci shook her head, "no, but," she lowered her voice, "Grandpa got me that when he came home from Norway, but he didn't understand that you have to buy games separately-"

"You can borrow some of mine," Noah smiled, "I have heaps."

"Thanks Noah. Do you like all of my colours? I'm going to get some other stuff too, I just have to wait for Mom to get home, Grandma was saying that maybe they might move in once Mom gets home."

"It all looks great, you really love pink, huh?," he chuckled, looking at her pink desk, pink chair and Hello Kitty stuff all over the place. Her bed covers were candy pink too.

"Yeah… You can sit down, Noah, make yourself comfortable," she told him. He kicked off his shoes and took a seat on her bed, folding his legs beneath him. He heard his phone buzzing but he ignored it, he knew it was either his Mom or Trevor calling. He felt bad because he knew that they'd be worried but once he answered, he knew they'd demand he either come to school or find out where he was so they could pick him up.

"Noah is that your phone?"

"Yeah… it's just Mom," he shrugged, "its cool."

"What's going on?," she asked suspiciously, "your Mom doesn't know you're not at school, does she?"

Noah pulled his phone out and looked at it; there were five missed calls and a few texts. Noah if you don't answer your phone, I am going to need to submit a missing person and we will be getting uniformed officers out to look for you, please don't make me do that if you're okay. Just pick up your phone, I don't deserve this behaviour from you regardless of what happened. Trevor and I are sick with worry.

Kaci saw the message. "Noah you have to answer," she told him, "your Mom is so nice and so kind— I don't know what happened but-"

He hit reply, I'm fine. Can you stop calling. Call off the search party.

"Noah!" Kaci exclaimed, "don't do this to her"

"She lied to me about something big," Noah admitted, "and I'm not ready to talk to her; Peter Blasko of all people told me something about my biological father that he read online and I didn't believe him — like an idiot, I just thought they were talking shit and then I saw it for myself…"

His phone started to ring again. He sighed.

"Noah, please answer your Mom, she made a mistake, she loves you so much, she would never try to hurt you."

He sighed; if he thought Kaci would be on his side, he was wrong. He picked up the phone. "I'm fine," he blurted out with frustration.

"Noah Benson," Olivia began, "I am so glad you are fine because I have been beside myself with worry for the past two hours since Trevor realised you weren't at school. You can be as angry with me as you like, but I'm still your mother- where are you?"

He looked at Kaci who stared back at him, "he's with me, Liv, it's Kaci."

"Kaci!," he exclaimed, irate.

"You're at Kaci's apartment - Noah, why are you bothering her with this? I want you to get your things and go home right now, I will be there waiting for you because you and I clearly need to talk," Olivia spoke firmly and calmly; calmer than she felt, at least.

"I don't want to talk," he told her simply.

"I don't care at this point. I gave you your space and I trusted you to do the right thing and act maturely and you've just misplaced my trust. Go home. Now."

Noah said nothing and hung up the phone, holding back from hurling his phone with anger. He looked at Kaci blinking back tears. "I'm sorry Noah," she murmured an apology. "I know you're upset and angry and maybe with me too, but… before you get angrier, you should hear her out."

"I should go," he replied.

"Please don't be mad at me," Kaci begged him.

"I just thought you would understand."

"Understand? Noah, I understand that my father was a terrible person and even though I wanted to love him and know him, he was bad and my Mom did everything she could to protect me from that at the cost of her own life. Mom's know what's best for us and will walk through fire for us even if it's from our own family. As a result my Mom may have to learn to walk again and she is full of broken bones and bruises and I almost lost her because she just wanted to protect me. I understand that that's what Mom's do. Your Mom would do that for you too."

Noah mumbled an apology, realising that perhaps in comparison to what she had been through, what he had said was insensitive.

"Yeah…" she folded her arms, "I think you better go…"

He got up and put his shoes back on and headed out, politely saying goodbye to the grandparents on the way out.

/

Olivia found herself shaken up as she arrived home first before Noah did. She wasn't very well prepared for what might take place; whether it was going to be a fight and she would end up grounding her son or being the bad cop, placing parameters on his life to ensure he didn't misplace her trust again.

She sat at the table after getting changed, briefly tousling Ruby's fur as she met her, sensing the detective's nervousness. "You're a good girl," Olivia smiled at the gorgeous, curly-haired pooch.

She considered having something to take the edge off her anxiety, but she wasn't sure if she would go back to work or not — it would depend upon how the situation transpired. She flicked through her phone while she waited. She texted Trevor and told him that she knew where Noah was and that he was on his way back to their apartment.

There were a few emails from CPS regarding the case they had worked on a week ago, she hoped to have located the parents, but needed to make a few follow-up calls and speak with the case worker - just as she was opening an email, Noah walked in the door. She glanced up and heard his footsteps down the hall. His bedroom door opened and she heard the sound of him throwing his school bag down.

The door closed and suddenly Olivia was full of the anger she worked hard to dispel on her way home. She put her phone down and got up, heading to Noah's room. She didn't bother knocking, she threw the door open.

"Hey- what are you d-"

"Noah Benson," she began calmly, "you have lost all of your rights to privacy as of this second. You can close your door to get changed and the bathroom, but your door is to remain open any other part of the day. So get changed and you can come out and talk to me and give me the respect that I deserve."

He muttered something under his breath and when he caught her face he realised he had taken it a little far. It was a long time since he had seen her quite so angry, not since the Bunsen burner prank had his Mom been this furious.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?," she cocked her head slightly to the side.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter."

"You're mad, Noah, you're upset that I didn't tell you things that I should have told you, fine, I get it, you have every right to be mad about that, but I'm still your Mom and I have never done anything that warrants this type of behaviour from you, so get it together. See what I did here?," she asked, making a little circular motion with her hand, "I am furious with you for lying about where you were, for cutting school and for being disrespectful toward both me and Trevor, but I still respect you enough to talk to you with love in my heart. It would be great if you could follow that lead."

She turned her back and headed out, "if you're not going to school, you need to get changed and out of your school clothes and then you're coming out here so get a wriggle on."

Noah knew that there would be consequences for cutting school, but in the moment when he made the choice, he didn't really think about them, he just knew he didn't want to be there where Peter and his cohort would have definitely had more to say to him. He put a pair of pajama pants on with an old t-shirt. He took his uneaten lunch from his bag that Amanda had put effort in to making for him. He begrudgingly left his bedroom and put the lunch bag in the refrigerator.

Olivia was on her iPad on the living room couch waiting for him. He could see her flicking through emails. He sucked in a deep breath and made his way in. She glanced up at him, trying to let her anger go and access her compassionate side- she could address his cutting class and other behaviour later.

"Am I in big trouble?," he asked, his question and softer tone took Olivia by surprise. He looked a little scared and his face was red — a tell-tale sign that he was very close to tears.

She sighed, "Noah… I think we have a lot more important things to discuss between us right now than you cutting school, do you agree?"

He plonked himself down beside her, folding one of his long legs beneath him. "I don't want to talk about it," he told her, his eyes filling with tears, "I'm just so angry with you, Mom…" he admitted in a softer tone as the tears fell down his face, mapping all the way down to the angles of his jaw, dropping off on to his shirt.

It was heartbreaking, Olivia instantly felt the hurt and the betrayal that he was enduring. Her eyes stung too. "I get it," she tried to utter, but she felt choked up. She cleared her throat and tried again, "I understand… I understand you being angry and feeling betrayed, I get all of that, but I need to explain myself and I hope that you'll understand that I never wanted this for you, for this moment to come and for you to feel the way that you do toward me."

"I still love you," he murmured, "I'm just … angry," he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. He had considered how open his mother had grown to be with him since she'd been with Trevor, how she had come home from work and instead of hiding in her room for hours sobbing over a job, or carrying the tension of a hard case all over her face, she had shared with them both. It was the getting to know his mother in a different way that had been so fun and also healing.

He didn't want her to stop — to feel so guilty about making him feel a certain way that she didn't share anything with him anymore.

"Sweetheart, what happened? How did you find this out? Was it Peter from school?," she wanted to know.

Noah closed his eyes and let himself cry for a moment, shrugging away Olivia's hand on his shoulder. He nodded slowly as he tried his best to contain his sadness. "He is always just… messing with me and I don't know why. He was insulting you, they were saying… gross stuff about you and Trev and I told them to f-off and Peter started saying some awful things which… I didn't believe and I stood there in his face and told him that my father was a good guy!" Noah sobbed again. "I even remember saying something so stupid like my Mom wouldn't lie about something like that… and he insisted so I came home and looked it up…"

"Oh, honey I am so sorry. This is entirely my fault, I know that, but honestly- I don't know what else I should have told you…"

"The truth!," he snapped, "you told me the truth about Ellie, you told me that she was an addict, that she was given the choice to get clean for me, but somehow went back to the life that she was living and ended up murdered—"

"Because Ellie was a victim, babe," Olivia spoke soft, almost in a whisper, "Ellie was a victim. She didn't do anything wrong, by the time her case fell on to my desk, she had been trafficked for years— and traffickers drug their sex workers, they beat them, they keep them in the most horrific of circumstances and even then, I cleaned up the story about your biological moth-"

"Ellie," Noah corrected her. "And it wasn't just that, Mom, it was the fact that Uncle Nick killed Johnny Drake."

"Noah you have to understand-" she started but stopped again. She wiped a few of her own stray tears.

"Let me tell you something about something else," she began, wiping her eyes again as more tears spilled out. She reached for his hand. He went to pull it away, but she clutched on tightly. "I haven't told you this because it's rare for me to ever discuss with anyone — but when you ask me questions about Grandma Benson, sometimes I tell you that she was wonderful, that she would have loved you — and I think she truly would have, because you are so easy to fall in love with, my sweetheart, but I don't tell you about the part of Grandma Benson that was abusive and violent and controlling and…" she looked at her son, he was finally looking in to her eyes, "I just didn't want to tell you anything different because I never wanted your life to feel like mine as a kid."

Olivia composed herself for a few moments. "Mom, it wasn't your fault that she was like that."

"I know…" she whispered, trying to find her voice, strained by her own emotions. "When I was 11 or 12, she started to tell me I was a mistake, that she never should have had me, that she hated me. She was a drunk and my entire childhood was spent looking after her and then one day she told me that my biological father attacked her at college and she became pregnant with me," she admitted to her son. "I can't believe I'm telling you this…" she covered her mouth and let out a sob.

"Its okay Mom, I'm sorry," he apologised, scooting closer, letting go of her hand and wrapping his arms around her. He wasn't stupid, he knew she was just trying to save him from the way such an admission made her feel as a kid and suddenly he understood why Amanda had remarked that they weren't as different as he thought. Her mother was an addict and her father was a rapist, and Ellie was an addict and Johnny Drake, by all accounts, was also a rapist.

Olivia hugged him back until she was composed.

"I'm sorry that you found out in such a…an awful way about Johnny Drake, I just didn't want you to ever feel like I did."

"It just makes me question everything," he admitted.

"Like what?," she wondered. "My love for you?"

He shook his head, "No but like… am I like him? I mean—"

"No, my love, you are nothing like him. You don't even look like him, if I'm honest. You look more like Ellie and Ellie was beautiful," she told him. "Johnny Drake was … just not a good person."

"How many people did he rape? How many people did he murder?"

Olivia shook her head slowly and shrugged. "I don't know that, honey, it was a federal case, Uncle Nick and I were trying to go after another criminal that associated with Drake, we were trying to rescue the girls that were caught up and trafficked. I didn't even know Drake existed, you were already adopted and he knew how much you meant to me and he continually threatened you and me and Uncle Nick…"

"Sometimes I feel like I have this… overwhelming darkness in me, it's the feeling that would make me act out and say mean things or snap at you for nothing, for screaming and yelling like I did last night and now I feel like I know where it comes from."

"It doesn't come from him, Noah, I promise you. I have had that same feeling at times in my life because of my biological father and it's nothing more than just life, everyone feels that way at some time or another."

"I feel like I shouldn't have be here. I am only here because Ellie was attacked by some brute. I wasn't conceived out of love."

"You are not a mistake my sweetheart," Olivia told him, pained by his admission, "you may have been brought in through a terrible situation, but you came in to my life for a reason… You are the most wonderful thing that ever, ever happened to me and there is no part of me that would ever want to be responsible for harming a single hair on your head, Noah, you have to believe that."

He nodded wordlessly.

"If you still need time to forgive me, I understand that, I should have told you-"

"I think I understand why you didn't…" he finally resolved. "You didn't want me to question everything— like I'm doing now."

"But you don't need to question anything, love and I know Trevor's not your Dad, but he loves you so much, you have no idea how much you mean to him."

"I know…"

"Mom, did Elliot know about Ellie and Johnny Drake?"

She thought for a second, "You know, I don't think Drake was ever brought up, but yes, I told him about Ellie. He wouldn't have ever said anything helpful about it," Olivia told him.

"Maybe you should foster that baby you found last week — you saved her from a rapist just like you did with me and you found her in a similar way that you found me," he sniffed, finally finding it within him to gave her a little smile.

Olivia caressed his mop of curls and half-sobbed and half-laughed, "where's all this coming from? You never ever wanted a sibling."

"I always wanted a sibling," he corrected her, "I just didn't want you to have a baby with Elliot because he would have made my life a nightmare, playing a baby off me with you. My life with Elliot around was already awful enough."

"I wish I'd known you felt that way-"

"I don't even think I knew I felt that way until I look back," Noah admitted, "I just ate up every scrap of affection or love he threw at me on the rare occasion," he wiped his almost dry eyes. "You know, I wish I could see him now, just … run in to him or something just so I could tell him what a dick he was."

Olivia was able to chuckle. "Do you really think that'd help how you feel toward him?"

"Yes. He probably wouldn't even acknowledge my existence, but it'd make me feel better, maybe pick up a tiny rock and throw it at the back of his dumb, dome head."

"Oooft, Noah, stop," she chuckled again. She had to agree for her to watch her son retaliate toward Elliot years later with something so childish would have definitely been satisfying.

"So, can we foster her? That baby?," he asked as if it would be simple.

"No honey, we can't. It just doesn't work that way, but I'm keeping an eye on the case so I can make sure the two older kids will go back to their parents and the baby; Lexi, she'll go to a good family.

"We're a good family."

Olivia smiled. "Sorry, sweetheart."

He sat back, leaning against the back of the couch, exhausted. "Mom, I'm really sorry for skipping school but I thought if I told you I didn't want to go, you'd make me anyway and I really didn't want to face those guys. I know when they saw my face, they understood that I genuinely had no idea about what they said… I know they're going to start again the second I go back."

"They're not going to start again, sweetie, Peter and Ryan have been kicked off the football team and they've been warned that if they goes anywhere near you or even breathes a word to you, they'll be indefinitely expelled from school and their parents have a meeting with your principal tomorrow."

Noah didn't say anything. He sighed.

"On a scale of 1-10, how angry are you with me now?," Olivia asked him.

"Maybe like a 3," he told her honestly, "probably could get to a 0 if you don't go back to work and stay with me and watch Simpsons with me."

Olivia laughed, "haven't you got enough of that show yet?"

"No way, there's still about 20 seasons to get through and I'm writing down the episodes in my notes app of my favourite ones so Kaci, Adam and Katie and I can do an online watch party."

She smiled.

"And Mom, how mad are you at me on a scale of 1-10 for skipping school?," he wanted to know.

"3," she told him, "I understand why you wanted to avoid school, I'm just disappointed with how you went about it. I have a lot of reasons to worry when you go missing, Noah, please don't do that to me. You need to just tell me where you are, that you're okay and you need space. The rest of it we can work out later."

"Okay," he agreed. "Am I really not allowed to close my door?"

She managed a laugh in spite of herself, realising how absurd and useless the rule was, but it had rolled right off her tongue in the middle of her furious rant. "Of course you can close your door, but I do think that you're grounded for a week."

"Okay," he sighed, "what are the ground rules?"

"Straight to school, straight home. Your phone goes to me or Trevor at 7pm and no Fortnite with Adam for the week."

"Can I revisit how mad I am with you?," he half-joked.

"No, it's done," she smiled.

"I love you Mom. I hope you know your Mom was wrong. You weren't a mistake. You were born to be my Mom and Trevor's wife and maybe a Mom to a little baby girl who you rescued from a sex offender."

He added he last bit with a smile.

"Thank you, sweetheart, that's very sweet of you to say. I love you too." She thought for a second, "since you're home, we may as well make the most of it, do we want to order something for lunch?"

A small smile crept across his mouth. "This feels like a terrible punishment."

"Would I prefer my son at school? Yes, absolutely. Do I understand why you're avoiding it? Yes, absolutely. And honestly, I just miss hanging out with you one-on-one sometimes. You and Trevor get to hang out a lot together without me, I just miss that because work has been kicking my butt," she explained, "so I'm gonna text aunt Amanda and tell her to consider me out for the day and you think about what you'd like to eat and we can order food and watch TV and maybe take a nap."

"Okay, that sounds good," he agreed.

He picked up his own phone, "I need to apologise to Kaci, I lied to her and she was really angry with me for it and maybe I was insensitive too."

"A good man apologises when he is in the wrong and a great man never repeats that behaviour," she told him, glancing at him, giving him a weak smile.

He nodded slowly. He started writing a text message to her. Hey Kace, I'm so sorry for this morning. I was in my own head and struggling with what I'd found out about my biological father. I didn't mean to be insensitive toward your situation with your Mom and I'm sorry I lied about the reason I was visiting. I really, really can't stand the thought of you being mad at me. You're my absolute best friend and I like you so much, please don't stay mad for too long.x

Next, he knew he had to apologise for the way he spoke to Trevor the night before.

Hi Trevor, I am really sorry for yelling at you last night. I didn't mean to be so aggressive and I realise I probably hurt your feelings, I didn't mean it, I just wanted everyone to feel some of my upset which was really selfish of me. I love you and I love that you always have time for me and put in so much effort with me and I wouldn't want that to change for the world.

"Mom do you think Trevor hates me after what I yelled at him last night?" Noah asked, locking his phone and tossing it somewhere between them.

"No babe, I think he was upset and taken by surprise, but I don't think he hates you. Nobody hates you."

"Okay," he murmured. His phone chimed immediately and he picked it up. It was from Trevor.

Hi Kiddo, I accept your apology. I hope you and Mom have talked. I love you too. We'll talk when I get home, ok?

Noah was thankful for the grace of understanding. "Thanks Trevor."

Olivia ordered some hardshell tacos and some quesadillas for their lunch and as per Noah's request, they turned The Simpsons on and Olivia felt like it was a safe time to pour herself a glass of red wine and go through her work emails to finally catch up.

"Do you have any homework from earlier this week?," she asked her son as she replied to a few reports that her team had reported for her approval.

"No, but I'll probably be receiving a couple of assignments before Summer break and I don't want to fall behind on them, I want them out of the way as soon as I can so I don't have to worry about them leading up to vacation."

Olivia smiled, "good…"

She swapped out her iPad for her laptop with frustration, knowing that she'd have to read over one of her detective's files. She sighed and signed in to her work computer. "Noah… I have to ask you something and I want you to be really honest with me."

"Okay," he looked up, giving her his attention. "What is it?"

She picked up her wine and had a generous mouthful, desperately hoping it wouldn't start round two.

"Trevor and I have loosely talked about moving in together, but this is something that will impact you and I want you to have a say," when she saw that he didn't look angry, she continued, "Trevor suggested we could move there or he would move here — or we could rent out our apartments and for 6 months to trial it and rent somewhere bigger for the three of us all together."

Noah thought about it for a few moments, glancing back at the TV before shrugging. "He should move here. We have a big apartment. I don't really think I want to move, all of my memories are here - the good ones anyway."

They had both moved to a bigger apartment shortly after Elliot left. It was too hard for her to walk the halls, lonely and thinking of the fights, the arguments, the space where he once smashed some of her belongings with rage.

"Okay, any other feelings about it? Are you okay with it? Would you prefer we wait or that he didn't move in at all?"

"No, I want him here. He's here most of the time anyway," Noah replied, "he's a really good guy, Mom, he makes me feel like you and I are safe when he's around."

She furrowed her brow. "So wait, you don't feel safe when he's not around?"

"No, I don't feel unsafe just… emotional safety, does that sound dumb?," he asked, "like, before Trevor, you used to keep a lot of things bottled up and then you and I would fight because we were both frustrated — now Trevor encourages us to both be open and share our feelings and even just you coming home and being honest about your hard night at work early last week — that would never have happened if he wasn't around. I feel like … you and I are closer again, the way I felt close to you when I was smaller."

Olivia smiled at him, trying hard not to cry at how wonderful it was that her son could express himself so succinctly. "I'm so proud of you," she murmured, reaching out to take his hand. "You are so good at expressing yourself, Noah Benson, much better than me. And you're right, he's helped us get better at communicating with each other and I love that…"

Noah smiled weakly back, knowing his Mom was close to tears again. "I'm happy about him moving in."

"Okay, thanks babe, for being honest."

"You're welcome," he replied, resting his head back down.

Olivia went back to her computer, distracted by the CPS email.

Izzy & Tommy's parents had been located and they were waiting to go home. Jedd Baker was in custody and Lexi was still in social services care - likely to become a ward of the state. She sighed, glancing at Noah out of her periphery in case he was looking at her email.

She emailed the CPS agent back for more information about Lexi. Curiosity had got the better of her; especially when she thought of those beautiful green eyes that had stared back at her when she woke up in the hospital. She had clung to Olivia as Carisi took a call and then regretted to inform them that her mother's body had been recovered in some scrub not far from the house. The 16 year old who had been kidnapped by Baker 10 years earlier.

Lexi screamed and cried didn't hold back after the CPS agent came to collect the kids and just like every other time, Olivia found it devastating and overwhelmed with helplessness.

She continued through the rest of the emails before closing the laptop and putting it aside, feeling a little sleepy from the wine.

She felt her eyes falling closed, nodding off. She turned to glance at her son and realised he was already asleep. She smiled to herself as she let herself drift away, thankful for the peace between them.

/

Trevor got home and found both Olivia and Noah asleep side-by-side on the couch. Noah was leaning against her painting the sweetest picture. He knew everything must have been sorted out and he was glad, he hated how angry and sad they both were.

He plucked his phone out of his pocket and took a photo of them both with a little smile. "Hey guys…" he greeted them gently. "Wake up, it's so late in the afternoon… "

Olivia's eyes opened first. She mumbled something before closing her eyes again. He couldn't help but to laugh. "Liv, Noah… wake up."

Noah grumbled and Liv sat up, rubbing her neck from the way she had been sitting, wincing in pain. Trevor made his way over and kissed her lips, "hey sleepy head."

"Good afternoon," she stretched. "I could sleep for longer…" she sighed and yawned. She leaned over and gave Noah a little shake. "Come on babe, wake up, you won't sleep tonight."

Trevor leaned over and picked up the empty take away containers from the coffee table and placed them in to the paperboy their food had been in, surprised that his dog hadn't helped herself to scraps, or at least licking the containers.

Noah finally sat up and stared blithely for a few moments before getting up and saying a sheepish hello to Trevor. He went to use the bathroom and knew if he continued to sit he would fall asleep again. He splashed his face with some cool water as he thought about the conversation that he'd had earlier with his mother.

He wondered why she had never told him about her own mother — it explained why she didn't speak about her often; why her family was such a mystery. He knew about Simon and how Simon had taken his own life. He remembered years earlier, waiting with Olivia so that she could meet with him and he just never showed up. He had complained because he was bored and wanted to go and get something to eat and only the next day hearing his Mom sobbing in the kitchen.

She was honest enough to reveal that Simon had passed away.

He wiped his face with his towel and made his way back out to the kitchen to get a snack before dinner. Trevor had put his bag down and was in the kitchen looking in the refrigerator with a notepad. He glanced up at Noah, "hey kiddo, feeling better?"

"Yeah…" he replied. "Where did Mom go?"

"She's just having a shower," Trevor replied.

"What are you doing?," he asked.

Trevor looked down at his list and back at Noah with a smile. "I'm making a grocery list, you guys can't live on delivery services forever."

Noah smiled. "I like it though."

"Come on, it's hardly healthy. I like to cook and I think your Mom likes to when she has time. But… I don't mind cooking for you guys."

"I don't mind either. I used to enjoy cooking with Elliot, it was the only time we ever really got along because he hated doing it, and I think he gave me all the crap jobs."

Trevor smiled. "Well, you and I can handle the cooking then, huh?"

Noah nodded. "Sure…"

"So when I'm at home I come up with at least five easy to cook meals for the week and then I buy all the ingredients and cook whatever meal that the ingredients spoils the fastest, like fish and fresh vegetables or chicken and a salad or something simple."

"Sounds good. Or you could just get frozen breaded fish or something?"

"Nah, I like to eat fresh, far less preservatives that way," Trevor wriggled his nose, "I like to also stay as healthy as possible food-wise because the older you get, the less your stomach can handle bad things."

"Okay, then let's make sure the food we make is tasty." Noah replied.

He took a banana from the fruit bowl and sat down at the counter on a stool. "Do you want to talk?," Trevor asked, finally done with the list, putting it down on the counter, glancing at Noah who was peeling the banana and breaking off bites. He sensed he wanted to test the waters to see if Trevor was upset with him.

Truthfully, Noah's words had stung a little, but he gave credence for what he was going through and for the news he had just received. He knew he was hurt and angry, but also, the fact was that Noah was right, he wasn't his father so really he had no right to feel slighted by the teen.

"I guess…" his voice trailed, finally allowing himself to look at his Mom's boyfriend.

Trevor leaned against the other side of the counter, across from Noah who was seated opposing him. "Are you still feeling upset or angry with your Mom?"

Noah thought for a second before shrugging. "I don't think I'm angry, I just feel sad that I had to find out the way that I did."

"Can you tell me about what happened at school? With Peter and Ryan? Walk me through that."

"I was leaving and they just came up to harass me as they do, Peter started talking about you and Mom and being disgusting, I told them to leave me alone and then they just kept on and made some reference to me calling you Daddy — and then it escalated, they told me that information on my father was all over the internet, that he was a rapist and I thought Peter was just talking rubbish and he was insistent so I just panicked and left… I got home and had to know so I googled and it was all there and I felt…" he felt his eyes filling up again, "gullible and stupid because through it all I didn't believe it for a second."

"I'm sorry Noah, I know you heard your Mom out and honestly, it takes a lot of courage to hear someone through your own anger. It's a good sign of maturity."

"I don't want Mom to not share stuff with me, or close herself off again from me, I'm glad we're close now, I hate fighting or when I react stupidly, I just needed time and I was too scared to go back to school because I was afraid if they saw me and started on me, I might have cried."

Trevor grabbed a pitcher of infused water that sat by the fridge and poured both he and Noah a glass. "As it turns out you got to have a day with your Mom and talk and that's a positive thing."

He nodded. "Yeah…"

"And I don't want you to worry about Ryan and Peter. Peter has been kicked off the football team and Ryan is on a suspension til further notice."

Noah didn't say anything.

"Is anything else bothering you that you want to talk about?"

Noah sipped his cold water. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, for saying you're not my Dad. I know that you aren't my Dad, but if I was ever gonna have a guy that would be a great Dad, it would be you… you do the nicest, kindest things for Mom and I, I'm always so thankful about that."

Trevor smiled, "that's okay that you said that, kiddo. I wasn't mad at you… and thank you for such a big compliment. I know I'm not your Dad too, but I would be so proud to have a kid like you. And don't worry, we'll figure out our relationship along the way."

"Thanks Trev," Noah replied.

"You're welcome kiddo."

/

"What?" Olivia spoke in to the phone, "are you kidding me?" She brought her hand to her face. "Okay…" she listened to the person on the other end. "Okay well keep me posted, "that case hit hard, I kind of want to see it through…"

She thanked the CPS agent and hung up.

Lexi still been placed with long term foster carers and was requiring medical attention which meant things were perhaps a little more difficult. So far, no grandparents, siblings, aunts or uncles had been found.

And she just couldn't get the sweet, dark-haired, blue eyed infant out of her mind. She'd even dreamed of her the night before. She sighed and headed out to the kitchen making a mental note to not bring anything up in front of Noah who had made his position on the subject of a foster sibling very clear.

Trevor was busy throwing together a quick and easy dinner for the three of them and Noah had got up to go and take his own shower.

Olivia joined Trevor in the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him from behind. Hey sweetie," he greeted her gently, turning around to reciprocate her embrace. "How are you feeling?"

"Relieved…" she replied, her words humming against his chest. "I was happy to sleep, I barely got any sleep last night."

"I figured that…" he murmured, lifting her chin to kiss her on the mouth slowly and lingeringly, tasting the tip of her tongue. "I'm so glad you feel better."

"Me too," she replied. "Thanks for letting me freak out a little."

"I cant imagine how all that must have felt, but I knew you were worried stupid."

"Yeah, kids will do that to you."

"Well, let's eat dinner and everyone can get an early night, me included. I'm absolutely exhausted."

"I love you," she told him, taking his bristled cheeks in her hands, guiding his head down to meet her mouth for a series of soft, passionate kisses.

"Love you more," he replied.