Something is happening and Im not entirely sure everyone saw it coming - but let me know what you think of this... I have another little silly idea brewing that has been endorsed happily by two of my friends hahaha so... yeah, enjoy this one- or don't IDK. What do you think?
"Trevor…" Olivia began, staring at her man as he came in to the bedroom. She was sitting on the foot of her bed, legs folded, swan-necking over her phone.
"Yes love?" He looked up, hanging his towel on the back of the bathroom door. He came around to the bedside and took his glasses from the surface and put them on and joined her at the end of the bed. "What's up?"
She dropped the phone beside him and sighed, looking up to Trevor, feeling weighted down and a little anxious. He could tell she was holding something back, she had been acting a little off for a few days. "Tell me, baby, what is it?," he pressed. "Is everything okay with us?"
"Yeah," she replied, nodding but regardless of her words, he watched her eyes fill with tears.
"Wait, what's wrong? Liv…" he looked helpless, confused by her emotions. "Are you sure we're okay?"
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "I'm scared to bring up something with you…" she spoke softly almost in a whisper.
"Whatever it is, love, it'll be okay, I love you. Did something happen at work today?"
"Remember the job from a few weeks back? The baby and the two kids that were kidnapped?"
He nodded. She wiped her eyes and sniffed.
"I had to go with Fin yesterday to remove the baby from temporary foster care and she's back in residential care and it just… breaks my heart."
"Oh, Liv… bless your warm heart," he murmured, "come here," he opened his arms and let her crawl in to them. He pulled her in to his lap and kissed her temple. "I'm sorry it was so upsetting."
She thought about how when she had put Lexi down, she had screamed and cried until she became emotional. "I don't know what to do about it," she added, even though she knew exactly what she wanted to do about it.
"Honey, there's nothing you can do, you have to just breathe deeply and let it go. They will find her a family who loves her, I promise."
She shrugged him away from her and got up, clearly irritated by his answer. "Sorry," he apologised, "I don't really know the right thing to say, Olivia. Tell me what you need?"
"I need you to care more," she muttered, wiping her eyes. "If I could just switch off, don't you think I would?," she asked, frustrated.
"Liv," he began calmly, letting her pace. She was worked up and Trevor knew it wouldn't serve either of them well to raise voices. "I do care, but the nature of your work— maybe it doesn't hit me as hard because I don't see it with my own eyes, but it doesn't mean I don't care when you're affected by it. Maybe my response was insensitive, but I need to know how to support you."
She sat back down on the bed. "I don't want to lose you…" she said suddenly.
He frowned; confused. "I feel like we're having two separate conversations here; why would you lose me? I'm here for the long haul."
She wiped her eyes again, trying to compose herself. "I feel connected to her," she told him at last. "I can't explain it… but it tears out a bit of my heart each time I think about her and get updates about her and- I don't expect you to want to foster a child with me or be with me if that's what I choose to do."
"Whoa," he held up his hands, "Olivia, what are your intentions? Are you telling me you want to go and foster this baby?"
Suddenly the conversations she'd been having with him over the past few days began to make more sense. She was trying to lead him to suggest foster care.
"I don't know…" she murmured, "maybe. I know you made your peace with not being a Dad-"
"Wait a second, wait a second—" he stopped her, "Liv, I never said I didn't want to be a Dad- if the opportunity arose for me to be a father-" he paused and drew a deep breath in, "I would embrace it with every part of me, but foster care isn't becoming a Dad and it's not being a Mom either, it's temporary."
"Not always," she replied. "But I'm not asking anything of you."
"Wait, why not?," he wondered with a frown, "do you not want to have me involved in these kinds of decisions? I thought we were moving in together."
"If I foster this child, then maybe moving in together might have to wait til she has long term care."
"What am I even hearing…" he muttered, needing a second to stop himself from getting angry with her. He knew when it came to Olivia and her past, getting angry and raising his voice was absolutely out of the question, but he was angry. There were so many assumptions coming from her, not a single question or direct sentiment.
"This is why I didn't want to bring it up…" her voice trailed off, wiping tears away from her cheeks.
He opened his mouth to say something but thought twice and closed it. He got up and left the room, closing the door behind him.
She wanted him to care so much for her feelings, but she was completely shutting him out of any choice and not even bothering to ask him if he wanted to be involved; instead, she assumed he wanted nothing to do with what could potentially be a long term choice and he was hurt that she had clearly been keeping her thoughts from him when they could have discussed it together.
He went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water and stood for a moment taking a few deep breaths. He drank the cold water, the taste of his toothpaste souring it a little.
He poured a second glass and took a mouthful, trying to make sense of what she was saying. It wasn't that he didn't want to be a father, it wasn't that he didn't necessarily understand what she wanted - it was that she had already made his mind up for him, that she was so willing to change her future plans with him and Noah based on a made up decision on his behalf.
The sound of her footsteps made him look up. He felt his breath catch when he realised just how worked up she was. He set the glass down. "Liv…" he murmured, "come here," he met her halfway in the family room.
"I can't stand you being this furious with me," she sobbed. The fear inside of her was real and palpable. She found it hard to express what she was feeling with regard to baby Lexi based on how quickly she had been shut down in the past when she tried to talk about some of her wants and needs with partners.
"I'm not even furious…" he assured her, bringing her toward him, stroking her hair, "I'm barely even mad," he added. "I just… I feel frustrated because you're not saying what you mean and I'm not a mind reader, sweetheart," he sighed. "Please don't cry, I'm not walking away, I promise."
"You will if I do this…" she retorted.
"Olivia," he started, "stop," he told her firmly, gently pulling away, resting both hands firm on her collarbones. She wouldn't even look him in the eye for the shame that she felt. "You haven't even said what you want, you haven't discussed anything with me except that you want to temporarily foster this child because you are worried about her. You haven't even asked me where I'd be at with that, you've assumed everything and you should know me well enough to know that I'm open to discuss anything with you." He brushed some tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs, letting his words sink in.
She knew he had a point but she had been so riddled with insecurity and anxiety that she had become worked up before she even had the chance to bring it up with him.
"I'm just scared of losing you…. But this is maybe… I don't know…" she sniffed and wiped her face, "something that feels special to me."
"Let's press pause for a second," he began. "I want you to go and take a minute for yourself because I can see you're scared and I know that's less to do with me and more to do with the asshole from your past, but I'm not going to berate you or make you feel stupid or walk away based on how you feel about something. I do think we need to have an open and honest conversation because so far, Olivia, I have tiny fragments of where your thoughts are at and this is honestly the first I'm hearing about your feelings on the matter…"
She nodded slowly. What he was saying was fair and he had a point.
He wasn't Elliot.
When they had actively tried for a brief time to have a child, Olivia's period came each month and even though Elliot never said it out loud, when she voiced her upset and frustration, he had shut her down. Perhaps he never really wanted a child with her anyway, it wouldn't have surprised her. Perhaps her difficulty getting pregnant was more of a relief to him, it would have explained his low tolerance for her upset over it. She had once broached the subject of adoption and he had immediately shut it down, it had been that conversation that made her realise she wouldn't ever be able to have a child with him even if she could conceive. He had openly resolved that he could never love another person's biological child; saying more than he had meant to, but at least it spelled a lot of things out for her.
"I'll make you some tea, k? I know it's so hard for you when you're this scared of having someone shut you down or leave you, baby, but I want you to know that it's not going to happen. I love you too much to let that happen, we just have to talk… you have to let me make my own decisions."
She nodded again. "K…"
He kissed her forehead and drew her in, holding her for a moment. "Please don't cry, I can barely handle seeing you this worked up. I'm not him, Liv, I need you to know that. I love you and Noah without conditions."
Olivia let her eyes shut and clung on to him tightly. She truly hoped that he meant the words that he spoke.
She knew that she couldn't bring the child home like a puppy and hide her away and hope that he didn't notice or get mad when he finally did. It did require some discussion and it required her to be brave and to put one of her fears out in the open and trust that he wouldn't just repeat the pattern of men before him.
She wanted to trust his words; but she had trusted everyone else before him too.
Olivia let go of him.
"You okay?," he asked softly as she released him.
"Yeah," she nodded. It bothered him that she still wouldn't look him in the eye; he knew she felt shame and fear.
"Liv?" He lifted her chin with his fingers, "look at me…"
Her averted eyes finally shifted up to meet his. "You okay?," he repeated again, making sure she answered honestly.
"I think so," she admitted, "I haven't done well with expressing my wants or needs in the past— not without… you know, issues."
He gave her a weak smile. "But you're with someone totally different now, you've got to know how much I love you and Noah and surely you can trust that."
"I do, I believe you," she finally agreed.
"Okay, go take a minute, I'll bring in some tea for you and you can start from the beginning." He kissed her softly on the lips and watched her walk away, heading back in to her bedroom.
/
Olivia went through her phone and found the important emails from CPS including the photos from her original report on Lexi. She poured over the photo of the sweet, little girl, 20 months old, according to the ME but no real birthday on record. Her big blue eyes stared at the camera with a tiny little pout on her perfect little cupid's bow lips. Her hair was too short to do much with, an awkward length of strawberry blond locks that were starting to curl at the ends.
She was beautiful and it hurt Olivia to find out that the two first homes she had were violent and dangerous. She wondered how much attention and affection she had received; she had been a little malnourished, but had quickly gained weight in a matter of a few weeks thanks to responsible feeds at the residential group home.
When they picked her up, the foster care mother had fed them excuses, but Olivia had seen enough. The house was squalor, Lexi had a dirty diaper and had been crying for goodness knows how long. The second her eyes found Liv's she raised her arms up to be picked up and cuddled. Olivia couldn't even bring herself to look at the woman who had been caring for her. The vetting of foster parents in her opinion was just never strict enough.
It in this case it was a childless woman who had never had any of her own; was single and in her mid-life crisis, decided fostering children might be fun as well as a nice way to earn a little more money from the state.
"You should have just got a cat," Olivia called at the woman over her shoulder as she marched out of the apartment taking with her the fresh diapers while Fin took a statement. As soon as she got back to the car, she changed the child's diaper. She knew it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but she made sure there was a witness with her who could attest to how worked up Lexi was, tugging at her backside with a smell that was offensive.
After the diaper change, she was instantly more settled. Olivia was able to sit in the back of the car cuddling her, calming her down until CPS could arrive with a vehicle that had a baby-seat fitted out.
It was hard on her when she had to wave goodbye to the child and everything Noah had pointed out was weighing on her shoulders too.
Interrupting her thoughts was Trevor coming back to the bedroom with a cup of camomile tea and a little square of dark chocolate on a small plate. She couldn't help but to smile. She appreciated his calmness; his ability to not freak out even if he knew he was about to have a tough conversation.
"Aww, there's that smile," he smiled too. He circled the bed to get to her side and placed the cup and small plate down on her bedside table. He leaned over her and kissed her lips lingeringly. He sat down on the edge. Olivia scooted over to the middle of the bed and allowed him to get comfortable. He guided her legs over his lap. "Do you feel a bit better now we've both had a second to collect ourselves?," he wondered.
"Yeah…"
"So… tell me, Liv.. start from the beginning."
"I guess this particular job hit me hard, you remember how I was the night that I got home. There's something about the harrowing feeling that turns my insides to ice when I know that a child much less a toddler is being taken from somewhere with no place else to go - no family, no one familiar… and then straight to a residential home until something temporary pops up … it's just," she shook her head, "its a lot and the younger they are the harder it is because you can't explain it and they don't understand if you try, they just look at you, broken and damaged and I'm that first point of safety and then I have to let go too, and it feels like betrayal and I haven't felt that feeling hit me so hard since I brought Noah to CPS."
Trevor listened.
"I have to hold back the details of my job, Trevor, but all I'll say is that those children were in a bad way and I wanted updates. They found the biological parents of the two older kids and they are going to need years of trauma therapy after we got the final report of what they'd been put through…and Lexi… her mother was murdered, the father was the kidnapper and there's no biological grandparents."
"Kind of like Noah's situation…" his voice trailed off, figuring out the other reasons this case had struck her so hard.
"Yeah… even the way I found her, hidden away in a shelf…"
She looked down at her phone and unlocked it. She showed him Lexi's photo. Trevor took the phone from her and looked at the child. A faint smile found its way across his mouth. She was adorable, her big eyes were full of expression and in the photo she didn't look very happy. In contrast, when he let Olivia's words sink in - the treatment of the other children, it seemed so sad that she would be without someone to love her.
"They notified me when she went in to temporary foster care and a concerned neighbour called the police because the baby hadn't stopped crying for hours and hours and CPS called us after the uniforms tried to get someone to go out there, because apparently they were useless and didn't want to remove her in case there was some mix up," she explained.
"What can you mix up about a baby crying for hours?," Trevor asked, troubled.
"Just… they were afraid it could have just been a neighbour war. All they had to do was go and knock on a few other doors to get their answer but anyway — Fin and I went out there. She was filthy, her diaper hadn't been changed, not even sure when she last ate but the woman was frazzled and out of her depth and was desperately trying to excuse her behaviour… and the second Lexi saw me, Trev… she just stopped crying and put her arms up for me and I picked her up and she whined and grizzled a little but she was calm. We changed her diaper and I stayed with her in the car with CPS while we went back to the office and when I had to eventually leave…. I just felt so awful and so sad and she was inconsolable…"
"I'm sorry Liv, is this why you were really sad last night? You told me you were getting your period," he asked.
"I'm sorry I just… didn't really know how to explain myself when I guess we've never really talked much about what you want in terms of kids…"
"I want to be a Dad, Liv," he told her point blank. "I think maybe after Lana I just figured that wasn't on my cards and then you and Noah came in to my life and don't get me wrong, I don't want to ever overstep with Noah but I want him to be able to think of me as a parental figure down the track-"
"I want that too," she nodded. "I want that for you, I think you would make an incredible Dad," she told him sincerely, expecting a 'but,' any second.
He took the photo from her again and glanced down at the toddler and smiled. "And I think for you and I, I would love for us to have kids — and I thought that down the track maybe we could talk about it, we could adopt if you getting pregnant is not something that can happen or even that you want to happen."
"But?," she pushed.
"But… if we need to fast track that a little bit, if we can help this baby even for the short term, maybe…" he paused, "I mean, she's so sweet, look at her…"
"Trevor I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for — I don't want you to resent me and I don't want you to agree just because you love me."
"I'm open to this Liv, I'm open to meeting her… I don't really know how it works — what about Noah?"
Olivia felt immediately lighter with his openness. "Noah has been in my ear since I got home from that job about how it was meant to be, the comparison of their stories— he told both me and Amanda separately that he always wanted to be a big brother just that he didn't want Elliot involved in that for obvious reasons…"
"Wow…" Trevor was surprised that Noah hadn't made a single comment to him about it.
"I think for Noah he hasn't brought it up with you because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or maybe even yours," she replied as though she read his mind.
"I think we should talk about it with Noah tomorrow, can you visit her?," he thought and then gave a little laugh, "this is crazy…" Crazy, he thought to himself, but he was crazy about Olivia, and was once crazy about the idea of being a father and now that the idea was suddenly thrust upon him, he realised he still felt the crave for being a parent — it had shown quietly without him realising when Noah's relationship grew with him outside of school with Olivia.
"Too crazy?" Liv pressed.
"No… just… " he shrugged, "its good, Liv, but you know this probably isn't permanent right? I want you to be aware that this might not go as smoothly as you or I want it to."
"I know," she replied, "I just want to approach it with positivity… but I'm aware that maybe Noah might not connect with her, maybe you won't connect with her, maybe I won't…" she shrugged, "but maybe we will."
"Are you intending on this being permanent if you get the opportunity?"
"I think that question is a very fair and important one, but I think it is going to depend on how we go with temporary foster care."
"So do they look for somewhere else for her in the meantime?"
"Not necessarily. Temporary foster care can just be for as long as we can, it's never quite permanent because circumstances for the foster parents can change… but currently she's a ward of the state and we could potentially have a greater chance of adoption if we have fostered her and she seems like a good fit for everyone involved."
"Okay… so maybe discuss it with Noah tomorrow, the three of us and then we can find out what the next steps are?"
"Yeah," she smiled. She felt his hand at the side of her thigh, linking around her legs as he leaned toward her to kiss her lips. "Are you really really okay with this? I mean like, not just okay but on board?"
"I mean… yeah? I don't know this sweet baby, but if you had a baby, I wouldn't know that baby either — I know that I have the capacity to fall in love with a child in a parental capacity regardless of the age and I think… depending on how this goes, we will know pretty fast if it's not the right fit."
"I agree."
"But Liv, can I just ask one thing of you?"
"Of course…"
"If it's not a good fit for you, or if it's not a good fit for Noah — it can't be a good fit for any of us. Okay?"
"What if you and I really fall in love with being a parent figure to this child and Noah can't get on board?," she asked, wincing at the thought, "or you…"
"I think we should all make a promise that we will be open and honest with our feelings if we are all heading in to this together. Noah has to come first of course, if he isn't on board then its not the right fit, same for you and for me."
"I think that's a very fair agreement," Olivia nodded. "But I don't believe either you or Noah are going to have trouble connecting with her. I think you'll both fall in love with how sweet she is."
He smiled. Olivia looked happier, relieved more than anything. Her eyes were glistening with happy tears and he felt grateful for the open and honest conversation. "I told you, sweetie, we can talk about anything. I'm open to whatever this relationship brings for us and I believe all things happen for a purpose even if I can't see the purpose immediately… maybe this is exactly what is right for us. We can only try."
He climbed over her on to his own side of the bed. She picked up her tea and nodded. "Thank you… for just having patience with me and being my calm energy when I have zero capacity to be calm when I'm emotional."
"Always…" he replied, reaching across for her hand. He gave it a squeeze. "I'm always here for you. We can work it out, Liv, I don't want you to feel scared of me in any capacity, ever."
They both got comfortable, Olivia sipped her tea and sidled up my to him, feeling his arm around her while they both digested their thoughts.
Trevor needed some time to wrap his head around things and she knew it, but he also needed to sleep. "Can I turn the TV on?," he asked, something in the background that was mind numbing enough to stop the thoughts from zipping around his head at a million miles per hour.
"Yeah babe of course…"
He lifted the remote from his side of the bed and flipped the TV on, flicking to the reality TV channel. "You ruined me for TV," he joked.
"Liar, I think you've been secretly enjoying Below Deck for years before me…"
Trevor chuckled because he knew it was true.
He watched for a few moments before turning to her. "Hey Liv?"
"If we are going to foster a child… we better live together."
She stared at him for a moment before a slow grin surfaced upon her gorgeous pink lips. He grinned back at her and reached over, caressing her cheek.
"I fucking love you…" she chuckled.
"I love you too, but less aggressively," he winked and laughed.
/
A soft meeting — that's what they were calling it, Trevor thought. He was nervous; there was a lot riding on this meeting. He wanted it to go smoothly, he wanted desperately to feel something for the child because it was clear that both Noah and Olivia already did.
He was unsure if Noah's affinity to Lexi was more or less the same affinity someone would have at the idea of getting a pet — the excitement of something adorable, loveable and fun but without thinking about all the nuances that came along with things; the responsibilities of always watching.
He spoke to Raia about it who had some good advice for him — that it was okay to try but it was also okay if he didn't want it to be a long-term fit and that he couldn't let Olivia guilt him in to adopting a child if it wasn't something that he too wanted, but, he gave Olivia credit, since they had spoken about it, her consideration and honesty with him was wonderful. She had even managed to level out her own emotional connection and understand that it may just be, that the care given would be temporary and had assured him that if he didn't feel like things were working for them, then she would respect them and she was not prepared to lose him over it.
It had made him feel a bit better. He had been frightened that Olivia's mind was made up and it wouldn't have mattered how he felt — that Lexi was priority in her eyes. It helped to hear her say the words that he was who mattered first.
His promise was that if something didn't feel right, they would fulfil the temporary foster order and then go to the drawing board of what a family might look and feel like for them.
He squeezed Olivia's hand within his as she talked to the CPS agent that she knew very, very well. She turned and smiled reassuringly at him. The CPS agent took them through the paperwork side of things, what they would need to provide if they decided to go ahead.
Noah was sitting in corridor on his phone waiting just as nervously as Trevor felt. He couldn't help but to let the woman's words all blur in to the next. He wasn't much interested in the paperwork yet, he needed to meet Lexi first.
"I can see you guys are anxious to see her, so let's go on and grab Noah and take the three of you in to the meeting lounge and we'll get one of our carer's to bring Lexi in to have a play and maybe a cuddle and see how things go?"
Trevor felt a little saddened by the fact that the meeting was going down a little like a pet adoption. They left the office; Noah jumped out of his seat and put his phone in his pocket. "Are we seeing her?"
The CPS women and Trevor and Olivia laughed gently at his eagerness. "Yes babe, we're going to see her. Come on…"
They were taken to a room with a couch and a lot of toys and things to do and the CPS worker left them to it and told them that she would check back intermittently. Olivia knew that there was a lot of grace given to her just because she was a police officer. She knew that ordinarily, the process of fostering for someone who had not registered to do so earlier was a lot of hoops, but she knew she could get it all fast-tracked and having had a connection with the child previous, it was all going to help their case for Lexi.
She picked up on both Noah and Trevor's nervous energy - possibly because she felt nervous herself. She had required a lot of self-talk on her own part not to get too attached to the idea of anything other than temporary foster-care until they had her home and were able to relax in to regular life.
"Everyone okay?," she asked both Trevor and Olivia.
"Yeah… nervous, what if she hates me?" Noah asked.
Trevor smiled at Noah as he took a seat beside Olivia. "You're impossible to hate and also I've seen all of the Carisi children absolutely flock to you."
Noah took a seat on the floor, trying to think of the most non-confronting way to sit so that the baby didn't feel intimidated.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when the door opened and Lexi was brought inside. The carer closed the door behind her. She was asleep, resting her head on the young woman's shoulder. She smiled at the three of them. "Sorry, guys, she's just waking up from her afternoon nap, she may be a little grumpy."
"Ohh…" Olivia murmured. "Sweetheart…"
"Does someone want to hold her? I'll go and grab her some food and you guys can enjoy afternoon snack time."
"Liv, you take her…" Trevor murmured quietly, not wanting to wake the child if she wasn't ready to wake up.
Olivia held her arms out and carefully took the baby in her arms, wrapping her arms around Lexi. "Oh my sweetheart…" she murmured as the little girl stirred, burying her face in to Olivia's neck. Trevor couldn't even deny how his heart seemed to warm watching her naturally find her way without even having to try.
Trevor let his eyes linger over the child. A smile came to his lips. "She's so sweet…" Lexi raised her tiny fist and rubbed her eyes and stirred again. Olivia smiled at him. She looked over at Noah who had made his way over toward her on the carpet and was in front of her.
"She's so sweet," Trevor murmured, lifting his hand to caress her sweet strawberry-blond curls. "What do you think, Noah?"
Trevor just smiled and stared at her with amazement. "Hi honey," he murmured as the baby began to open her eyes. She stared at him with her big blue eyes for a moment before she began to writhe around in Olivia's arms. She pulled away, starting to whine a little.
"Hi sweetie, remember me? I'm Olivia…"
Lexi started to cry and looked at her for a moment. She stared at her earrings for a moment before sleepily rubbing her eyes.
"She's so cute Mom," Noah remarked, "look at her big eyes…"
"I know, I know… she's beautiful."
"Oh, you just want cuddles… you're still so tired," OIivia remarked with a smile as Lexi put her head down on her shoulder again, resting and eyeing off Trevor. "Would you like to have a cuddle with Trevor?," she asked softly.
Lexi finally smiled at Trevor who was making some fun little faces. Olivia heard a little laugh from her and it was the first time she'd heard the infant make noises of happiness. Trevor couldn't help but to grin. He held his hands out, wanting to cuddle her.
Olivia expected that Lexi would need time, but surprising her, she reached for Trevor. The smile on his face turned to pure joy. She passed the child over to Trevor. He pulled her close to him. He smiled at her. "Hello sweetheart, would you like to come home with us?," he asked softly, stroking her hair, cradling her agains this broad body. He felt everything else fade for the moment as he looked in to her eyes. She stared, quietly, curiously. He felt her tiny hand reaching up to his other hand that was stroking her hair. He let her take it, wrapping her tiny digits around his pointer finger. His breath caught for moment.
It was a weird rush of warmth that washed over him - the open-ended glimpse of possibility within her. He let out a breath. "Are you almost ready for something to eat?," he asked; his voice in a hush. Olivia couldn't help herself, she felt overcome with emotion, almost tearful over the way he seemed to immediately click— she knew by the way his face had changed, the way his eyes poured over her, taking the child in, the way he spoke in a quietly tone that seemed in awe.
She struggled to try to set up. Trevor assisted her. "Would you like to play with some toys?," he asked her. "You can show me your favourite toy if you like…"
She wriggled out of his grasp and Trevor set her down on the floor. She noticed Noah and looked from him with her beautiful pouty lips back to Olivia. "This is Noah," Olivia told her.
"Hi Lexi," he smiled at her. "Would you like to play with some blocks?" He reached over to the side of the couch where Olivia was sitting and pulled over a small box of wooden blocks. "I'm gonna play with these ones, would you like to help me?"
Both Olivia and Trevor exchanged smiles as Lexi sat down, reaching for some of the blocks. "Me blocks," she told him softly.
Noah grinned, "Yeah, that's right, you're going to play blocks too!"
Lexi smiled at him as he emptied the box of blocks, making big, exaggerated sounds, causing the little girl to laugh. He laughed too. "Let's build a big, big tower," he told her, "and then we can knock it all down!"
He started to show her and waited patiently for her to stack one or two on top of what he'd already laid as a foundation. He placed a few more blocks on top before she waved her hand over it before connecting with them, knocking the tower down. She glanced at Noah for a reaction. He covered his mouth mocking shocked. "Uh oh!," he exclaimed.
Lexi giggled gleefully. "Uhoh!," she parroted, "uh oh!"
The three of them laughed and Olivia felt peace within her at the baby's ability to laugh and connect with her son immediately.
A few moments later the carer came back holding a fruit platter and a baby's bib and cloth. "Help yourselves too guys and if you need a drink or anything there's a kitchen to your immediate left as you walk out of here and turn right out of the room," she explained.
"Thank you," Trevor smiled.
"Do you need any help? I can set her up in her high chair?"
"No, I've done all this before, maybe a long time ago… but still," Olivia smiled.
The carer put the plate and the other things down on a table and pointed out the high chair. Trevor got up and moved toward it, he was used to setting one up for his neice at dinner time.
He pulled the chair and set it up next to the table and glanced over at Lexi who watched him curiously. "Hi sweetie, would you like to have some yummy fruit?" He looked at the small platter to find some small cubes of cheese and crackers, "or some cheese?"
She pushed herself off the ground and made her way over to Trevor who was on his haunches, remembering to make himself as small as possible around very small children as his height could be daunting.
She sat at his feet and raised her hands up. "Up?"
Trevor caught eyes with Olivia and Noah and couldn't help but to smile a little giddily as he reached for her, tucking his hands beneath her tiny arms and lifting her in to the high chair. He strapped her in happily and Olivia was starting to feel far less nervous as Trevor seemed to be entirely in his element.
"Mom, she's so sweet…" Noah remarked with a smile, looking at his Mom who was staring lovingly at both her man and the baby. She turned to Noah and grinned at him. "What do you think of her?"
"I'm obsessed. She's so," he paused and sighed, "I wish I was a bit younger and we could have grown up together…"
Olivia put her hand on her son's shoulder and kissed his temple. "I know, I'm sorry… but… better late than never, right?"
Noah nodded. "Better late than never…" he repeated. He slowly got up and sat at the small table beside the toddler. "What bit of fruit would you like first?," he asked her. "Would you likkkkeeeee, some banana?," he pointed to the quartered banana, "or what about some apple?"
"Nana," Lexi replied, pointing, chewing on one finger, wriggling in her seat.
"Good choice," Trevor murmured. He fastened her bib over her head and passed her a piece of banana. "Yummy."
"I might have some banana too, is that okay?," Noah asked her. She smiled and nodded as she slowly and intentionally put the food in to her mouth, smooshing it a little between her tiny hands.
Noah ate with her, making exaggerated sounds, enjoying the fruit with her. Trevor smiled at him and back at Olivia. He was feeling a little warm swell of emotion, thinking of how wonderfully she might fit in with them back at home.
They stayed with Lexi for over an hour, Noah happily played with her and Trevor and Olivia watched on, taking part now and then but really trying to get a feel for how well she would fit in with Noah.
"Honey, you know if this goes ahead, we're gonna need your help sometimes, right? Not necessarily right away, but… with babysitting or just entertaining her when we're busy…"
"I know," he smiled. "That's part of being a big brother, though, right?," he smiled.
"It's what would make you a fabulous big brother," Trevor replied. "We'd have help, probably a nanny as well so it won't fall on you always, of course."
Noah made a face, "Not more Michelle," he complained, but he was only half serious. Olivia laughed. "Sometimes Michelle, but Trev and I will try to make it work around our schedules."
Noah nodded with understanding.
They stayed with Lexi through her lunch and for an afternoon play. Olivia sat on the floor while Lexi brought her toy after toy, picking up a little plastic shopping bag, filling it with little plastic food items. "Ohhhh," Olivia exclaimed, "look at all the things you got from the market," she smiled. "Lots of yummy food in there, why don't you show Noah and Trevor."
She made her way over to the other two, showing them each item painfully slow. Trevor named each one for her and helped her pack them away to take them back to Olivia. He imagined himself rocking her to sleep and feeding her at the table every night, watching Olivia consoling her and discover the world through a child's set of eyes and it excited him.
At a certain point she sat on the floor and heaved a sigh as if life was a lot. "Aww, you look a little tired," Trevor remarked, "would you like a cuddle?"
It was her tiny pout that made his heart melt. A few times he thought she was going to cry but she seemed happy to be in their company. She made her way over to Trevor and put her arms out. He scooped her up and wrapped himself around her tiny, tiny body. He let his eyes close and wondered if this was going to be his moment; if he was finally going to be a father permanently.
He was scared and he knew Olivia was too; that they might foster and get attached and then something would go wrong for them if they chose to head down the route of adoption.
"Oh, that's such a nice cuddle," he murmured, stroking her hair.
"I think Trevor is sold…" Olivia murmured to Noah. He was smiling.
"I am officially wrapped around her little finger," Trevor gave a laugh. She pulled away and gave a great big yawn just as the CPS agent and carer returned. They all knew it was time to say goodbye and he was sure that Lexi knew too. She immediately began to cry with distress.
There was so much sadness in the way she had clearly never had a lot of consistency in her life; there wasn't enough food, the biological mother was often kept separated from her which meant the younger kids were left to care for her as best as two children could. Olivia and Trevor knew that those issues may have come up later for her, but most of all, their concerns were her fears of violence and raised voice, they were the main things that seemed to frighten her. Along with that, was a certain level of resource guarding her meals as if food had been taken away from her in the past.
"Its okay," Trevor soothed her, bouncing her slightly as he got up from the floor.
"How did we go?," the CPS agent asked Olivia.
"Very well," she smiled in response. "Maybe after we leave here today, the three of us might go to lunch and give you a call. We all need to be on the same page and we want to talk about expectations and just …. whether or not this is going to work for all of us."
"That's entirely fair. I'm here til 4pm, so if you want to call me to discuss anything or if you need anything to get the ball rolling if that's what you guys decide, let me know. The sooner we can place Lexi the better, she's not really doing very well in residential care. She requires a lot of attention currently which is not a surprise…"
Trevor frowned and kissed the crown of her head absently. "Poor thing," he murmured. She had calmed somewhat.
Olivia wanted to hold her again too before the carer took her back. She cuddled her tightly and kissed her. "You are the sweetest little thing, my darling," she gushed, "I think you're just so perfect…"
Lexi looked sadly at her, as if she knew that they were about to betray her by leaving. "Trevor, Noah and I are going to go now, but we'll be back very soon to visit you, okay?"
She looked down at the chain that Olivia wore around her neck and pouted as she picked up the medallion and searched it closely before putting it back down. "Would you like to give Noah a cuddle?"
Noah smiled and kissed her cheek. "See you soon, I hope…"
She gave Noah a little tiny wave.
The carer reached out to take her back and they blew kisses despite her beginning to lose her composure, crying loudly. Trevor lingered back, desperately wanting to take her out the door with them and straight home.
"Its okay sweetie, we'll see you soon, I promise."
It hurt them all to hear her cries turn in to screams as the CPS agent ushered them out. Olivia felt her eyes filling with tears as they left the residential care facility and made their way back out in to the street. "Hey, its okay…" Trevor consoled her, "it hurts to hear her crying so hard, I get it, but it'll be okay."
She felt Noah take her hand. "Don't worry Mom, we'll get her home and she won't feel like that again," he remarked.
Olivia smiled, "I guess we know where Noah's at…" she gave a laugh despite her tears.
Trevor laughed too. "Come on guys, let's go get something to eat and we can talk about what we are going to do to move forward or not."
/
Noah was so hungry and so happy when a big plate of pasta was put in front of him. Trevor was given fresh marinara and Olivia, the gnocchi, helping herself to the bread in the centre of the table.
"So… Trevor… what are your thoughts?," she asked, sitting directly across from him.
"My thoughts?" He swallowed a mouthful of his coca cola and smiled. He plopped a bit of bread in to his mouth. "I'm a little scared if I'm honest. I'm scared of how quickly that happened; how quick I was to just fall in love with a child that I've spent no time with, how quick I am to have fallen in love with this idea of slotting in to this little family with you guys and suddenly adding to it…"
"Is it too fast for you?" Noah asked. He was worried that it would all be too overwhelming since Trevor had only just done a rushed job of moving in with them the at the end of the previous week. The same question had been on Olivia's lips.
"Its okay if it is, Trevor, I feel like I've put a lot on both of you."
"No, it's fast moving, but I understand the necessity for moving fast in this case and I would have never moved in this fast or at all if I wasn't okay with the outcome. We all agreed that we wanted to be on board together… and I think…" he paused, thinking about the way his heart felt the second that she reached for him right before he put her in the high chair. His heart soared and he felt his stomach dancing in flip-flops. It was unlike any other feeling he'd had — the way she stared at him, not wanting to let go when it was time to leave.
Perhaps they were selfish feelings, but he loved the idea of having a tiny baby that he could dote on, that he could enjoy watching Olivia and Noah dote on — on being able to expect at some point he could officially be a father. "I think I want to move forward with the foster care and see how we all do if you guys are on board. I think we need to all just need to understand though that things can go wrong; that maybe they could potentially find a relative for Lexi, or that an adoption could fall through if we were to proceed, we need to just be aware."
Olivia nodded slowly and thoughtfully as if she didn't really want to burst in to tears with relief. She reached across to Trevor and covered his hand. He curled his fingers around hers and smiled. "Noah?"
"I'm on board," he said simply. "She's adorable, I promise I'll do my best to help with her and I will be the best big brother and always protect her."
She nodded again, pressing her lips together so that she could keep herself from crying or letting out a sob. "Oh Mom," Noah sighed, twirling his spaghetti around his fork, "you're gonna cry, I can tell…"
She laughed, "I'm sorry I'm an embarrassment to you, it's been a really hard case and Lexi had me from the second I saw her…" she admitted.
"I know," Noah replied, "as soon as you told me how you found her, I knew it was meant to be." He reached across and took her free hand. "I love you Mom," he looked at Trevor, "and I love you too, Trevor, I'm glad we're a family and I'm glad we have a chance to make you a Mom again, I know how much you always wanted it and Trevor, you'll get to be a Dad, that'll be so exciting for you."
Trevor smiled too, feeling a little emotional from Noah's words.
"I hope this is not out of turn, but this whole year has been perfect with you in and your Mom in my life and I feel like maybe I don't have the fancy Dad title, but I do feel like a parent to you, Noah, to at least some degree so I have some experience already of what it feels like to be a Dad and I am so appreciative of you and your Mom allowing me that opportunity."
"Goodness I love you two," Olivia let out a sob. "I really do, you're both so wonderful," she sighed happily.
"I guess we don't need to hear Mom's thoughts," Trevor laughed, giving Olivia's hand a squeeze. "How about… we finish lunch and we go back and see the CPS agent and get the paperwork started. I feel terrible for every second Lexi has to stay in that place. It feels so soulless."
"I know, but they really are doing their best, it's a hard job."
"Was I at a place like that Mom? After you found me?"
"Yes," she nodded, "and you even went to foster care and weren't very well taken care of. You were really sick for a time and they tried to pin it on me, but it was just a little bit of neglect on your foster parents side…"
"Mmm I didn't know that. Thanks for taking me, for knowing I was yours from the second you saw me too," he told her, looking in to his bowl of pasta.
"Lucky me babe, you never have to thank me."
There was a quiet excitement among the three who ate their lunch probably faster than they usually might because they knew they had a lot to do.
"So, Mom, wait, does work know you are doing this? Are you gonna take some time?"
"Yeah honey, I spoke to my chief and Uncle Fin might have to step up for awhile."
Noah laughed. "Uncle Fin isn't going to do that," Olivia couldn't help but to chuckle. She shrugged, "Well, he took the exam, it's on him. Otherwise, maybe Uncle Sonny or Aunt Amanda would like to step up, who knows? And maybe I'll take a month off or something to help with the process…. I can take up to a year for parental leave."
"Me too, I can take time off as well," Trevor told her, "I have paternity leave and I'm pretty sure it extends to non-biological parental leave."
"Wait, but what about the football team?" Noah asked.
Trevor winced, he didn't want to let Noah or his kids down.
"What about… maybe you drop a class from your load so maybe you leave for work a bit later and keep your phys ed stuff, because you love that the most, right?," Olivia suggested.
"Yeah maybe I can do a reduced workload - just until things are running smoothly and we all know what to expect," Trevor told him. "But also, spring break is coming up and then we'll have summer."
"That's so exciting," Noah remarked. "I'll be able to help too, I won't be at school."
"Okay, but guys, we have to get through the initial part — they'll have to come and check the house out so we'll need to get a place for her to sleep and some belongings… I believe that they provide us with stuff, but I'm not sure how good it will be and we want Lexi to feel completely loved and at home…"
"Right," Olivia agreed. "So, we might have to buy a crib and convert that guest room quick sticks."
They continued to chat about what they'd need to do in preparation for the little girl and Trevor was itching to speak to his sister who he knew would give him her blessing regardless of how it went. She would encourage him and help him and might have some good advice about being a girl parent.
"Can I tell Kaci?," Noah asked them, "that we're fostering a toddler…"
"Maybe let's just wait til we have her at home or at least have an official answer that we've been approved, babe. I know you're excited, but let's just wait, like Trevor said before, lots of things can go wrong with this type of thing. We just need to stay cautiously optimistic."
"Okay," he agreed.
/
"Liv, are you sure?" Amanda asked her softly, thinking that she was jumping in to something big without thinking it over.
She picked up her wine and looked around at the guy behind her that kept eyeballing her, smiling, trying to get her attention. She looked away from him and back to her blond friend in her cute black little dress. "Yes, I'm sure," she told her wryly. She deeply loved Amanda; she loved her for her honesty, her dry wit, her bluntness when it came to looking out for the people that she loved, but still, there was a lot of residual hurt left over from the years where she had all but ignored her.
"I know you say that — but this is big, this is someone else's chil-" she stopped, clipping her own sentence short as she realised what she was saying as the words fell from her mouth.
Olivia cocked her head to the side with reproach before taking a couple of mouthfuls of her wine, draining the glass. She set it down - there wasn't enough wine to make up for how much the comment stung.
"Sorry— that's not what I meant."
"I think it's exactly what you meant," Olivia replied, "but that's fine; not all of us have the luxury of getting pregnant whenever they want, Amanda and biology means absolute nothing to me. Look at me? Clearly my biological mother did a real fucking bang-up job." She was irate and a little tipsy.
Interrupting Amanda's quick apology was a bar tender who put a cocktail down before her. "This is from the gentleman just over there," he pointed to the man who was eyeing her off. Olivia pushed it back at him.
"No thank you, you can take it back to him. I'm here with my friend, not for the male gaze, and you can tell him that too, I don't care."
The bartender held up his hand in surrender. "You can get me a jack and coca cola though, that would be great."
"Make it two," Amanda told him, relieved that Olivia wasn't planning on storming out in frustration.
"Liv, I'm sorry I said that…" she apologised when the bartender left. "I just feel like we're here again, you wanting a baby, a man promising you-"
"Trevor is not Elliot, stop it," she told Amanda firmly, "and you didn't stick around then, so don't pretend like you'll stick around if it turns to shit with Trevor."
"Olivia that's not really fair," Amanda spoke softly. "Do you really think I liked walking away? Do you think that that was something that was easy for me?"
"I just keep coming back to the same question that I asked you back shortly after Trevor and I met— if the role was reversed, do you think I would have walked away from you? Or would I have stayed close and supported you, never ever dreaming of telling you I told you so, but rather just being there when it all turned to shit because I would have known you had no one else."
Olivia could feel her emotions getting the best of her.
"No, Liv," Amanda replied quietly, "No, you wouldn't have walked away because you are a better person than me, and I don't say that lightly, I say it because it's true. You are kinder and have a better threshold for other people's pain," she replied, her voice cracking. "I don't. I'm weak."
"You're not weak," Olivia sighed, "you're just…" she shrugged, "you don't understand about Elliot; for the same reason you let your sister back in time and time again even though you knew it wasn't good for you, you knew she would fuck it up, you just wanted to see the best in her… that's exactly how I felt about Elliot. I knew it, I knew it wasn't going to work, but that ten years that he was gone, Amanda, it was too much to always have to wonder again."
"I hated what he did to you, Liv. I hated him from the start and I watched you cry over and over to the point that every time I saw you, you were crying, you were stressed, you were crumbled as a person and as one of the best role models for a mother I'd ever seen. You didn't even realise how close you were to a domestic violence relationship."
"Elliot wouldn't have ever hit me," she murmured, but she remembered the way he had once raised his hand and instead hit the wall beside her head. She knew the tone of her voice betrayed her words.
"I don't believe that… I believe Elliot was escalating and that hurt me down to my soul, Liv, you have no idea how much I ached over it and I would have been the first one there to be with you if he did, but I wanted you to be strong and it was hard to watch you weaken beneath him. I know you don't see it, but he isolated you from your friends and then he started to do it with Noah…"
Olivia felt affronted by Amanda's words. "You know, maybe I should go. I came here to tell you about my happy news but-"
"No," Amanda said quickly, "don't go, Liv, this is the first real conversation we've had in years and I don't want it to end like this."
As if it was the universe agreeing with her friend, the bartender arrived with their drinks. Olivia passed him her credit card so that he could run a tab. She took the drink and took a sip.
"I think… I think what I need to tell you is that I am deeply sorry for walking away when I should have stuck by your side. I am deeply sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I know Trevor is different and I am so glad that you and Noah are happy and that Trevor is happy too. I want this to work and I hope that it does, but whatever happens, Olivia, I will never walk away from you again, I promise you that."
Olivia wiped the tears that began to fall down her face.
"Heeeyyy ladies!" The man that was sitting behind Amanda appeared beside them, interrupting their deep conversation, "I bought you a drink-"
Olivia looked up, brushing away her tears. "And I said I didn't want it, thank you all the same."
"Oh, what is someone as pretty as you doing crying!," he was slurring slightly and Olivia had no time for it.
"I just found out I have a really terrible case of genital herpes… it's very, very communicable."
His face instantly soured as she brushed the rest of her tears away and Amanda turned away to try not to laugh. "Sorry I asked."
"Yeah… so do you think maybe you'd like to take off with me?"
"Uh… no…I um…." Both women enjoyed watching him squirm and for a second their serious discussion was long-forgotten.
"Yeahhh…" Olivia looked him up and down, "you better get out of here…the burning has begun…"
He didn't say another word, he turned his back and left. She turned back to Amanda. "Sorry, you were saying…"
Amanda couldn't help herself, she burst out laughing. "Fuck, Liv… how can you switch off that fast? That is a talent. See? This is you this is the woman that I looooove! This is who you are, happy despite all the shit sandwiches you've had delivered to you, you have so much love and strength in who you are and I am so happy that Trevor treats you well and maybe I am scared for you, but I am also incredibly happy for you too, please don't think I'm not."
"I'm scared too," she admitted. "I'm really scared, but I also have a trust in him that I've never had in any other man, I can't place it, but it feels healthy and I also won't stand for anything less than what I deserve, I'm almost 40, Amanda, I can't do all this again and go through what I went through again."
"I know… and I really meant my apology and my promise."
"Thanks Amanda. I know you mean it and … I forgive you."
Amanda smiled and leaned in to hug her friend. Once she pulled away she lifted her drink. "Cheers to your new baby, I hope it turns in to a long term, perfect adoption dream."
"Me too, thank you Amanda. I can't believe I'm going to be taking a child home on friday. Am I crazy?"
"Yes, but I'm here for it and I love that we can be Mom's together. We can go for walks with our obnoxious baby strollers and take the kids to play together…" she smiled. "I love this for both of us really and I get to be an aunt again."
Olivia smiled at the thought. "And I am so happy that Trevor is so onboard. When I brought it up to start with, I thought for sure it would be too much, that he would leave me so I basically tried to give him all the reasons why he should walk but… he just wanted to take a leap with me… and when we met her…" a dazed smile fell over her face, "he was just so sweet and I could tell something inside of him broke down and he fell in love with her and we've seen her twice since and he's so excited… he wants so much for her to call him Daddy but he's so torn because he wants to make sure everything goes smoothly."
"Maybe you should both wait a few weeks for that — just in case. I'm sure it will be fine, but just you know… you never know."
Olivia nodded. "He said the same. Noah is full steam ahead. He wants her to call us Mom and Dad and honestly, I think if it wouldn't make Trevor weird, he'd want to call Trevor Dad too."
Amanda chuckled and shrugged. "Let him, if Trevor is cool with that and everyone knows what's up, what will it hurt?"
Olivia shrugged too. "I don't know…" she sipped her drink. "I guess that's my fear… but I'm sure it's something that Trevor and I will discuss."
"If you're ready to adopt a child with this man, surely you're ready for Noah to navigate how he sees Trevor in his life and label it accordingly."
"You're right…" Olivia nodded, "maybe that's the next conversation for Trevor and I to have. Best to get it all out on the table, right?"
"Right…" Amanda agreed, sipping her drink. She spotted a booth over against the far wall that was emptying. "Let's go sit in a booth. If I get one more leer toward us from some manly man in a suit, I think I'll throw up."
Olivia laughed. They picked up their drinks and slid off the bar stools and headed to the booth to lock in for a more comfortable spot.
/
"Whoa," Trevor smiled as Olivia got out of the car, stumbling in to his arms. He grabbed her by the waist, steadying her on the sidewalk. "Here, hold on to my arm," he told her. Olivia giggled, taking hold of his arm. He leaned over and waved at Sonny. "Thanks for getting her home safely, I appreciate it."
"Don't mention it," Sonny chuckled. Amanda was passed out in the passenger seat. "I gotta get this one home to bed, looks like it was a big night."
"Goodnight and good luck…"
Trevor slowly walked Olivia back inside their building and up the lift. "You are so lucky your son is not here to witness this baby, he would never, ever let you live this down."
Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist and let her eyes close. "I'm sleepy," she complained.
"Okay, we'll get you a big glass of water and get you in to bed."
He opened the apartment door and led her to the bedroom. "Oh honey, you are so drunk," he remarked with a little laugh. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," she pouted, nodding, falling back on to the foot of the bed. "I'm gonna be sick tomorrow, aren't I?"
"I'm sorry to say, sweetheart, I think you're going to be a little sick… but let's get you some pyjamas and some water."
/
Olivia gave up trying to put her pajamas on, instead she tossed her bra aside and climbed in to her side and pulled the blanket around herself. Trevor returned with a bottle of water with a straw and handed it to her. She half sat up and took a few big gulps before letting him take it and set it on her bedside table. He noticed her things strewn around on the floor and picked them up and placed them neatly on the dresser.
"Trevor…" her voice trailed off as he got in to bed.
"Yes, sweetie?," he asked turning to her, feeling her sidle up against him. He realised she was naked except for her underwear.
"This is so big what we are doing…" she murmured, closing her eyes. "Are you sure you love me enough to want to do this with me? Potentially forever?"
He smiled, "I'm more sure about you and Noah than I've ever been about anything…"
"What if Noah started calling you Dad? Would that freak you out?"
"No," he laughed, "I think I'd cry. It would be so touching," he answered.
"Okay," she replied cheerfully. "If I'm not too hung over in the morning, I wouldn't mind spending some naked time with you…"
Trevor laughed at her bluntness. "Better hope he stays at Adam's house a little later then."
Olivia didn't reply. She was already half asleep. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I love you," he murmured.
It wasn't entirely late, around 11pm. He got out of bed and grabbed his phone. He texted Raia asking if she was awake.
"Coming off shift now," she replied, "want me to call? Are you okay?"
He padded down the hallway to the living room and replied. "Yeah, call me…"
He got comfortable as his phone began to ring. He was thankful that it was on silent. He picked it up. "Hey…"
"Hi honey, how are you going?," she asked, sounding exhausted.
"I'm okay, I just put Olivia to bed, she had a rare night out with her friend and she was very drunk," he chuckled.
Raia laughed, "I can't picture it, is she a total different drunk?"
Trevor smiled, "She's super affectionate and maybe a little whiny, but I love it, it makes me laugh. Sometimes she comes out with the most honest things which sometimes can be hard to wrestle from her when she's sober." He paused, "so how are you? You sound tired."
"I'm always tired, you'll find out soon enough. What's happening with the foster care business?" Raia at first had her reservations but after his first meeting, hearing him gush over the child and talk about endless possibilities, she started to realise that being a Dad had been something that he'd wanted for possibly longer than she'd been a mother. And he was so good at it too, his soft heart and sensitive soul was exactly what was going to make him the perfect father.
"We're bringing her home on friday," he announced. She could tell he was grinning. She knew he was happy and after so long of him pretending that he was fine while being cripplingly depressed, she was happy for him and Olivia.
"Oh, wow! That's so soon. Have you told Mom and Dad yet?"
"No," he replied sheepishly. "I'm afraid they're going to be disappointed that we aren't having a baby biologically or that they're going to think we've rushed…"
"They might think that, I did at first, but I can see how happy you and Liv are about this Trev and how much you want to be a father and I think it's perfect for you guys. Mom and Dad won't care about biology, I know you know that…you need to tell them, you can't just turn up with a kid."
Trevor laughed.
"Anyway," Raia began, "number one it blows my mind that your child is going to be the same age as Sadie and in a way that's kind of exciting for them both… and number two, I have a lot of things for you both. Gav has gotta make a trip to Queens on Tuesday, do you think you might be able to go meet him? I have clothes, toys, a portable crib, a play pen, I have reusable diapers…"
Trevor made a face at the thought. "Yeah, I can work it out. Tell Gav to give me a call. Thanks Raia, I appreciate that so much. And if things work out for the long haul with Lexi, they might have best friends built in for life, her and Sadie…"
"I love that… that was always Lana and my dream— that our kids would be the same age… and its okay that that picture looks a little different. I know in my heart Lana would love this."
"I'd like to think so," Trevor replied a little quietly.
"I know so," Raia replied. "So, don't buy a lot of clothes and stuff, I have so much… some of its brand new."
"I think Liv still wants that joy of being able to go out and buy little outfits and stuff because it's not like we're going to have a baby shower or anything crazy," he smiled, "but thank you, we'll be so thankful for whatever you have that can help that we probably won't even think about."
"You're welcome. You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this day," she chuckled. "I'm so excited. Do me a favour tell Mom and Dad, okay? I am bursting at the seams and even though you and Liv won't be having a baby shower, I think that this deserves a celebration, so maybe a party to celebrate a new child."
"Mmmm not yet," Trevor replied, "this is only temporary at this point. It has to work out, Ray, if it doesn't we have to give that child back to CPS for them to find her something else. It's a huge gamble and what if we don't agree on parenting-"
"Stop it," she said, "you'll work it out, that's what its all about. You're a teacher and you have great success with your kids, you know discipline and so does Olivia, look at the child she's already raised."
He nodded, thinking to himself. "You're right… but still, we might decide to proceed with adoption and get rejected, we don't know… I'd just prefer to keep from celebrating until we have something solid to celebrate."
"Okay, but you still better tell Mom and Dad."
"Okay, I will. I'll call them tomorrow, I promise."
"Good… now— I'm just walking in the door and I feel like a zombie so I need some sleep. Speak to Gavin tomorrow too."
"I will, thanks Raia, I love you. Have a great sleep."
"I love you too little bro, goodnight."
/
"Why am I so nervous?" Olivia asked Trevor as they walked in to the residential care office the first thing on the friday morning.
"I don't know baby, don't be nervous, we have nothing to be nervous about. This is what we all want, right?"
She nodded, reaching up for his hand that was resting on her shoulders as they waited patiently in the same play area as they had waited for Lexi the first time they met with her. She leaned back in to Trevor's body. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "I'm just scared we're gonna fall in love with being this baby's parents and then we're going to be blocked from adoption."
"I know, but… we are going to have faith in the system and you found that wonderful adoption lawyer that you know through work."
"Yeah, he's going to walk us through it, he promised. He's a bit of a pain in the ass, but he understands the law like no other person I've met."
"I trust that," Trevor told her, "so we are doing everything within our power and we'll know pretty quick if we want to act on something permanent right?"
"Right…" she agreed. She lifted her head to look at him. He smiled at her and kissed her lips.
A few moments later the doors opened and the CPS agent who had become somewhat of an acquaintance was carrying Lexi. She was awake and looking around dubiously. "Hi sweetheart…" Olivia greeted her. "How are you today?" Her tone was soft and hushed. Lexi rested her head on the CPS agent's shoulder and looked at Olivia sleepily.
"She's just waking up, she's just had a diaper changed and will probably be ready for a snack or maybe some milk if you guys are going right home."
"We'll take her home and show her around her new place," Trevor told her; her name was Sarah and they felt lucky to have someone who was so easy-going as her case worker.
"Just be aware, night times can be a bit rough with her as we mentioned. There's probably a fair bit of abandonment setting in but if anyone can help her feel warm and secure, guys, I feel like you both have a lot of love between you - and your beautiful son too."
"Thanks Sarah," Olivia smiled.
Sarah turned to the little girl, "honey, you're going to go home with Trevor and Olivia now, it's going to be so much fun!"
Lexi lifted her head and stared curiously at Trevor for a moment before giving him a smile. She held her arms out to him, "me up!," she told him.
He started to laugh at her sweetness, "Lexi up," he confirmed.
"Are you planning on Mom and Daddy or Trevor and Olivia for now?" Sarah asked.
"Just Trevor and Olivia to save us all the heartache if something doesn't eventuate. We'll revisit that in a few weeks after we know what's going on and whether or not this stays temporary or we want to proceed further."
"That's totally fair and well thought out…" Sarah smiled. "Well… the girls packed her a bag with her cuddle cloth and her favourite items and some pyjamas and diapers and you guys just need to give me a call if you have any questions or concerns…"
"Thank you," Trevor was excited and couldn't take his eyes off the sweet baby who ran her hands over his prickly cheeks curiously. His niece had often done something similar. "Look at you, little princess, touching my prickles." He reached up and smoothed her own baby-soft skin on her cheeks, "not soft like Lexi's face…" he added.
Lexi reached up and touched her own cheek and giggled.
"Come on, let's get on home and we can show Lex around and get her some milk…"
Sarah waved goodbye to the child, feeling relieved to know she would now be in the safest of hands. She had already decided to recommend both Olivia and Trevor for adoption based on all areas of their life - they were perfect candidates to provide a happy and safe home for the little girl.
/
"I forgot how tiring it is to have a toddler. And she's walking too, so I'd say we have to grow eyes in the back of our heads," Olivia told Trevor.
"Yeah, I wasn't prepare for how fast she can move," he chuckled. "Thank goodness for Noah," he remarked, watching him at the dining table, feeding his new potential sibling. Noah glanced up, hearing his name and smiled.
"How's it going over there?," Olivia asked her son, stretching her back which had started to hurt from carrying an almost two year-old for a few days.
"She spat the pumpkin back out, but she likes the potato and is a big fan of feeding herself," he grinned, "thank goodness for Ruby," he nodded at Ruby who was beneath the high chair eating anything that hit the floor.
Olivia made a face. Lexi loved Ruby and Ruby had all the patience in the world for her, thankfully.
"Hey guys, I was thinking, I saw it was going to be great weather this weekend so I wondered if you would like to go up to my parents place? I thought it might be nice for everyone to meet Lexi and she could have a play with Sadie and Chloe and Raia still has some things for us."
"Oh, yeah that sounds good, do you have anything on, Noah?"
He shook his head. "No, that sounds good… I wanna see Georgie and Patrick too."
"Grandma and Grandpa," Trevor winked at him, crossing his arms and leaning over the counter. Noah grinned and went back to entertaining Lexi.
"Wanna go up friday night?" Olivia asked. "Noah has study hall on friday afternoons now, so he could potentially leave early."
"Yeah," Trevor smiled, "that might be nice. After next week we have a few friendly games lined up with the team against some other schools so Noah will be hard at the training, right kiddo?"
"I can't wait to come and watch my boys play ball," she smiled. "Speaking of, how's Kaci going, honey?"
"Good," Noah replied, "she's going to come to our first game. They are saying her Mom can maybe come home over the weekend so she's very excited."
"Oh that's nice. We'll have to go and visit and take some flowers and maybe some soup or something around," Olivia suggested.
"Am I allowed to tell anyone about Lexi yet?" Noah asked. "I reallllly want to send our photos to Kaci but then I thought it could be nice if Kaci came here and met her."
"I don't see why you couldn't invite her over here. How about you let me speak to her grandparents? Maybe after school one day," Olivia replied. Kaci had been messaging on and off with Olivia too, keeping her updated and sending photos of her bedroom that her grandparents had helped her decorate. "I actually have something for Kaci that I bought while I was at work a week or so ago…"
"What was that?" Trevor asked.
"Oh, she's got this cute little pink theme going on in her bedroom and she loves Hello Kitty, I found her this adorable Hello Kitty cushion for her bed and a few other things that I know she will adore."
"Aww Mom, that's so nice!" Noah remarked.
Trevor smiled at Olivia, putting an arm around her and rubbing her shoulder. "You're too good, baby…" he complimented her, kissing her lips.
"No more!" Lexi exclaimed, slapping her highchair table, "no more!"
"You don't want anymore?," Noah asked, "are you sure? You don't want anymore of these little green trees?," he asked picking up a bit of broccoli. She reached for it from him and stuffed it in to her mouth, gnawing on it.
"What about some of this yummy carrot?" Noah asked, pointing to the soft vegetable.
Lexi picked it up and examined it before making a face and putting it down. "Up!" She told him, holding her hands up, "up!"
"I think its bath time," Olivia announced. "What do you think, babe? Bath time for Lexi?" She saw the mess all over her face and laughed. "I think it's definitely time."
Trevor handed her a wash cloth to wipe her hands and face with as Noah helped unstrap her from the highchair.
"Okay," Trevor told Liv, "the potatoes and roast chicken is in the oven. I have a timer and when the timer goes off, I'll add the vegetables and we should be good to eat by the time little miss is asleep. Let me know when you're done with bath time and I'll do bed time if you want?"
"Sure," Olivia smiled. So far everything was going smoothly. Between the three of them, they all enjoyed their roles and where they seemed to slot in and best help. Noah knew that he wasn't obliged to help when he got home from school, but he liked to give his Mom a break for the first hour or so when he got home before he worked on homework or played his video games.
Once Trevor got home from work, he and Olivia took turns with Lexi while they prepared dinner. It was such a warm set up and they both seemed to fall in to being new parents so seamlessly.
Noah pulled her messy tray away from Lexi so that she couldn't dirty her hands again while Olivia wiped remnants of food away from her arms and legs while she struggled and started to whine. "Just a second, baby," she told her, "I have to clean up allll this food mess!"
Lexi wriggled around. "I've got the rest of it, Mom, its okay," Noah told her.
"Oh, thank you babe," she smiled, "you're the best."
She unstrapped the baby and lifted her out of the highchair, drawing her close. She kissed her cheek. "You're Mommy's sweetest little girl, aren't you?" She blurted out without thinking.
Trevor raised his eyebrow to himself but didn't say a word and Noah didn't flinch either. She glanced over her shoulder, "We won't be long," she told Trevor.
"Take your time," Trevor replied.
Once Olivia was out of earshot Noah scraped the food remnants in to the fridge and rinsed it off. "Is that not allowed?," he asked.
"What's that kiddo?," he asked the teen a little distracted by Olivia's remark.
"Calling herself Mom. Is that not allowed, or does that make you mad?"
"I'm not mad," Trevor smiled at him, "Mom and I agreed not to refer to ourselves as Mom or Dad just yet, but… I understand it's hard for your Mom, its hard for me too, I desperately want to call myself Dad…"
"Can I say something that might be potentially stupid?" Noah began.
"Of course, I'm sure it's not stupid…" Trevor assured him.
Noah hesitated, "Mmm no, I can't say it…" he changed his mind, feeling his nerves take over.
"Tell me," Trevor put everything down and gave Noah his undivided attention.
"If you…" he began, "I mean if you made a friend or … told someone you had kids… you could say you…" he paused and averted his eyes as if he was ashamed. "I- you could say that you have … kids," he stammered.
"I would," he slowly understood what Noah was trying to say, he felt a little emotional at the boy's shame trying to convey what Trevor meant to him. "And wanna know a secret?"
Noah looked at him and nodded. Trevor couldn't wipe the smile off his face. "I already do," he winked. "And now I could say that now I have not one but two precious kids in my life. And if Lexi ends up being a permanent part of our family, it would only be fair that the both of you call me the same thing if that's what you wanted, you know."
He watched Noah's eyes slowly fill with tears. He took Trevor by surprise and launched at him, wrapping his arms around him tightly. "Aww kiddo," he murmured, embracing him back. He understood; he understood for how long Noah had longed for a father figure. He had voiced it himself to Trevor; that all he wanted was to be loved the way his friends were loved by their Dads.
"I don't care if you call me Dad or Trevor or whatever, kiddo, but I'll always be here for you. Always." He kissed the top of his head. "I love you and I already know I love Lexi and I hope that the four of us can build this amazing family…"
Noah slowly pulled away and wiped his eyes. "I'm really lucky to have you and Mom… I didn't like it at first when she told me she was dating you but… it's the best thing that ever happened for all of us. And I got Ruby too."
Trevor smiled. "I agree… it was the best thing that's ever happened for me, thats for sure."
"And Trev, I love your family too… I know I didn't spend that long with them but I felt so comfortable at your parents house, I can't wait to go back there."
"I'm so glad to hear that, thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings with me, I know sometimes this kind of stuff can feel big and scary to say out loud if you're scared of someone not feeling the same, but… I keep telling you guys that I'm always gonna be here as a parent or a male role model that you can look up to and talk to about anything…"
He nodded, "Thanks Trev…" Trevor hugged him again.
"So how about you help me chop up the vegetables so I can roast them?"
"Yeah, let's do that," Noah agreed, letting go of the favourite guy in his life.
"I was thinking maybe we should peel some potatoes and prepare some snacks for Lexi to save Mom having to worry about that when Lexi is crying for food to eat at lunch or dinner…"
"Oh yeah, why not just buy baby food in the jar?" Noah wondered.
"Because … I think it's a bit healthier this way and maybe she's a bit old for that. We're still figuring it out. We have to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like, its a bit of trial and error at this stage."
"Okay," Noah nodded, "maybe we just put some stuff aside for her like some cut up fruit and the vegetables…"
"You don't have to worry about that," Trevor smiled, "you've already been such a huge help, stepping up and helping Mom when you get home from school and helping with dinner times while we cook."
"But I like it…" Noah shrugged, "I don't mind."
Trevor smiled. "That's just what makes you the best kid…"
Noah beamed back at him, happy for the ease of their relationship and the way that Trevor genuinely cared about him. It was all he ever wanted.
