19. Weak, Weak, Weak...? (Weak? Time)
Hey everyone, Megumiai30 here with a new fanfic about the Sugikan couple. I will be uploading other couples very soon, so stay tuned! The main couple is Sugino and Kanzaki, and they are around 22-28-ish!
"Extortionary! Isn't it extortionary? That the Prime Minister of our country can't even urge his party to support his own position?! Yeah. Weak, weak, weak! Weak! And I tell him, that is the reason his weakness and his failure of leadership are the reasons his government is the incompetent mess it is!"
"Whenever the right honorable gentleman gets abusive, we know he's losing..."
When I think of myself, I think of myself as weak. As said in this legendary debate between Tony Blair and John Major. I'm not trying to bring politics into the discussion, but when I watched the debate with moderate knowledge of English when I was in 8th grade or the second year of junior high, I somehow linked this with myself.
I mean, I, Sugino Yukiko, formerly Kanzaki Yukiko could be considered weak back in the day. Maybe the reason why I had such horrible luck over the years with boys, or the male population in general was because I didn't have the backbone that Touka-san, Hinano-san, and Akari-chan had. Back starting in junior high, I knew that I was at least decent looking. But I always tried to stay humble about everything. That is, I tried to not stand out too much. My parents tried to shape my future in that they wanted me to become a lawyer, and I refused them. Still, I didn't feel all good about it: I felt a little bad for them, and so that was why I felt weak: Of course, people call me soft, but I sometimes think of myself as weak looking back.
Sure, looking back was one way to say that you regret something, but on the other hand, it also meant that you reflected on yourself. As par say.
Back to the main story, I never had any luck with guys before Tomohito. I mean, I was just so grateful that he never gave up on me, even though I did refuse his confession the first time.
He must've felt so depressed the month that we didn't see each other afterward. I still blame myself for that, and the pain that I felt, knowing that I hurt the person I loved. Why couldn't I have been more decisive at the time?
But enough of that, as Tomohito always says, "There's no use in regretting the past, Yukiko. Let's look to the future."
I sighed. Yes, his words were right in every sense of the word, but on the other hand, I couldn't help but laugh cynically. I mean, how many times have I regretted things? I especially regretted everything concerning my... My... I'm sorry, it just hurts to say it. I mean, as I worked at the home I heard from Kawada-san, and other elderly gentlemen and ladies that sending off your spouse is the most stressful thing in the world, but according to Kawada-san? It hurts more to send off your child first, especially if they're inside growing in your body. After a month of that incident happening to me, I had a lot of time to think. Alas, that's when I realized that the human mind is unable to produce good thoughts alone. You're always filled with self-regret, and self-deprivation. When I had gone through severe depression, it felt like the world was against me, even Tomohito, who helped me so much through the loss of Masaru.
Even when I refused his affection and words of comfort, he never gave up on me... In fact, whenever I refused him, it had the opposite effect: He tried harder to help me. Our friends in 3-E also helped me... Touka-san, Hinano-san, Rio-san, Sumire-san, Kirara-san, Yuzuki-san, and so forth...
Of course, the moment I felt restored and healed was when Kawada-san came over for a visit. But even then, I felt weak. Why? Well, why couldn't I have figured out and solved this problem by myself? Instead, I had to go through depression. Yes, it wasn't for a long time, but why the heck did I have to go through it? Was it because I was weak?
When I thought that way, I let out deep and thorough sighs. But the advice that I got from people at the home was very simple, and the advice that I got from Kawada-san was the most effective.
Just to keep on trying. There was no need to rush things at this stage, and those things happen not because you're weak: They happen for a reason and a will. Considering this, I suddenly got the will and strength to go on, and hey, there was a lot I got out by...by... well you know the rest.
I have to say that my intimacy with Tomohito and our relationship was as firm as ever, like a base of rock. Some conservative people would argue that no, that sort of thing shouldn't even be talked about because it is embarrassing, and awkward even. But I have to be straight about this: If, and only if a man and a woman are in a marriage and they enjoy this intimate relationship together, that itself is the most beautiful relationship that was ever created.
I enjoyed the days I could be intimate with my husband Tomohito, and then afterward, we would go on and on for hours even, talking with each other, such as daily things like how we spent our days at work, to how our friends were doing, and what caused us stress and what we had to fix with each other, etc, to more intimate things like how we enjoyed each other's company, and how each other looked handsome and beautiful... To snuggling and cuddling, intimate touches that only husband and wife were created to enjoy. All under, what seems to be the cold seeming but so radiant moon with the dazzling stars, and sometimes in the clear light of day, when both Tomohito and I had the time, that is.
Anyways, back to the main topic: Even though I felt like I was weak, which everyone around me assured me that I wasn't, and after six years of marriage with Tomohito, Kami-Sama finally blessed us with our very own daughter, Sugino Shinobu(杉野忍), which meant endurance. Endurance and faith went together. We had to endure that we would be blessed with a child of our own, and faith that would happen. Anywho...
Right now, I was sitting up in the hospital bed while Tomohito was holding our daughter, who had his amazing ocean blue hair, but had my eyes, eyes which Tomohito described them being soft and yet strong... Strong...
At the moment, after I'm told my mother and mother-in-law came and went, and after Nagisa-Kun, Akari-chan, Karma-kun, Manami-chan, Rio-chan, and of course Sugaya-kun came and went, all congratulating us. We were finally left alone, and we had all the time in the world. I giggled as Tomohito cooed at Shinobu, who giggled with all innocence in the world.
Suddenly, Tomohito turned to me and smiled, saying, "Yuki-chan! You're so strong! I mean, you brought Shinbou to us, and you were the one who had to endure some time under the influence of anesthetics."
I felt some tears come to my eyes, and I wiped them as they rolled down my cheeks. I never heard those words this way, and that was when I thought the following: Strength and strongness come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and there was no need to obsess over things that you didn't have.
I answered him, "You know, Tomo-kun, as I mentioned during one of our 'talks'," I emphasized the word talk, knowing that he would catch on to what I meant.
In due time, he nodded shyly with his cheeks turning bright red.
"That people considered me weak, and I also was brainwashed into thinking so, but right now, as you're talking to me about this, I now realize what everyone meant." I gave him the brightest smile that I could give him, and he responded by caressing my cheek in a way that made me melt in his arms like he always did. My husband was so charming...
"That's what I've been telling you. Yes, Kami-sama gave us this child to us and the strength to do all of this, but to go through all of that to bring her here...? I don't think you can call that weak, and the mere fact that you endured six years makes you strong..." He trailed off, and after I asked him if I could hold Shinobu, he obliged, carefully handing over our daughter to me. I merely cooed and muttered incomprehensible words to my little daughter.
"You too, anata." I said with a smile, and he snickered back. Now that I thought about it, strength? Strongness? That didn't only mean that you seemed strong on the outside, but rather, it came in all shapes in sizes. So, now, I didn't see myself as fragile and weak. Rather, I see myself as much more stronger than before, and that's also what growth was. I am thankful and truly gracious for all that happened, even through all the pain and suffering that I had to go through.
