THE FIRST TIME
CHAPTER SIXTEEN - SYMPTOM OF MY TIME
"I'm just a symptom of my time,
Just a victim of my mind
Turning deaf and dumb and blind
'Cause I need to
I'm inescapably obsessed with the thoughts I have repressed
How I look when I'm undressed to receive you
Why do you think your love could ever change me?
Why?
You don't know anything about me baby"
MARIE FRANK (From the album "Ancient Pleasures" (1999))
Joey didn't feel like getting out of bed this Saturday morning. Lying on that soft mattress with the covers over her, her head gently resting on a soft pillow and still trying to clear the drowsiness from sleeping from her mind, the world was simple and didn't involve herself having to make any possible life-changing decisions. Outside of it, she knew that a world of issues awaited her and not only because this was the day of the "Miss Windjammer Contest" (a day that she'd secretly been dreading since she first got the idea to enter, after she'd heard about the five grand in prize money for first place).
She felt as prepared for it, as she would ever feel and had to admit to herself, that she looked pretty damn fine in that long black dress, she'd borrowed and would be wearing for the competition that evening. Such a thing wasn't easy for her to admit and looking as feminine as she did in it, was still a brand-new feeling to get used to for a girl, who growing up had always preferred to be seen as "one of the boys". To her younger self, whenever she would be on the playground, it had been a natural thing that she would leave the other girls to do their thing, while she happily played with the boys and pretended to as if by second nature, that there was no difference at all between herself and them.
These days though, she sometimes envied the other girls at school for how easy it was for them to be like "Little Women" (which ironically enough, was also Joey's favorite book), when she still felt like "Being a Young Woman" was an act that she needed to put on, whenever she was faced with a situation that required it. All of her friends (plus Bessie and Bodie countless times) had told her, that all she had to do was be herself and the judges would love her for it, but she would still need to keep up somewhat of a girly act in front of them. Doing this, when there was so much more going on right now, that none of them knew all there was to know about, might not be as easy for her as those who knew her, walked around thinking it would be. France or Pacey? By Monday at the latest, she would have to give them her final decision or that scholarship would go to someone else. Worst of all, she still hadn't come any closer to making a decision, than she was the first time, she'd had to think these things over.
In a turn of fate, that she couldn't ever have predicted a few weeks earlier, Abby had begun to take over as the one, she could talk to without having to hide anything. Sure, she could talk to Bessie about most things, but if she told Bessie about what had happened between herself and Pacey in the "Screen Time" storeroom, there was a solid chance that Bessie would personally put her on that plane to France, just to put some distance between her little sister and a possible looming teen pregnancy. Bodie would be cool with it, but it wasn't the sort of thing that she wanted to tell him, and she preferred it (like she could easily guess that he also did in return) if he was kept on a "Need to Know Basis", as far as the finer and most intricate details of her personal life went.
Pacey, she still hadn't said a word to about France, something that at first hadn't been an issue to her, seeing as she'd been able to keep telling herself that she had plenty of time to work up the courage to do it, but it was now with every day making her conscience grow guiltier. She could only imagine, how she would have reacted if he'd turned up one day and said "Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you that in a few days, I'll be leaving Capeside to live in another country for the next half a year, and we won't be seeing one another for all of that time. I had a world of chances to tell you, but I didn't because I was too scared, that you'd break up with me, when you found out. Sorry! I'll see you in six months' time!". The way things were looking now, she was seriously afraid that it could end up being the nail in the coffin on their relationship, even if she didn't leave and stayed here. Had it been the other way around and it had been him, who'd been keeping something this enormous in his life from her for so long, she knew that she would have felt betrayed by him. In turn, it would have led to her having to ask herself some serious questions, as to if this was a relationship she still should be in or not, when he clearly trusted her so infinitely little, that he wouldn't share something like this with the one, he was supposed to be in love with. Only, she did love him and she had wanted to tell him, she'd just never gotten around to it, when it came to that whole being brave thing.
Then, there was the question of Jen. Now that she knew for sure about Jen having a crush on Pacey, little moments between them over the past months had begun playing back in her head on a regular basis. Every time Jen had talked Pacey up almost to extremes for example, which had happened so many times these past weeks, that she now felt like she was blind not to have seen that Jen had a crush on him, before Abby confirmed it for her. Or all of the times, when Jen's eyes had lingered on him more than a little too long or she'd laughed out far too loud, when he'd come up with a lame one-liner on the fly, that wasn't nearly good enough to warrant that kind of response. Another thing she'd noticed lately, was how Pacey would laugh along to her laugh almost all of the time, just like he did with herself. A song, or rather one of only two parts she remembered the lyrics of to this particular song (the other part being the chorus) would often start playing in her head, either before or after she had one of these flashbacks. It was that old Bonnie Raitt song "Something to Talk About".
"We laugh just a little too loud
Stand just a little too close
We stare just a little too long
Maybe they're seeing, something we don't, Darling".
As sick as she was becoming over it having played on repeat in her brain for the past days, its words made her raise some questions within her mind. Say that she was to leave for France, like she'd been leaning towards doing ever since the opportunity had presented itself, would it be fair on Pacey, considering that they'd still only been a couple for a few months, for her to ask him, to wait for her for that long? Especially, if the perfect substitute for herself had been right under his nose all of this time?
It was with these thoughts and a Bonnie Raitt soundtrack to match it, running through her brain, that she finally got enough of it to get out of bed, where what was sure to be a memorable day awaited her.
With his dad having found an apartment of his own, very conveniently located practically right across the street from the police station, it also meant that it had become the morning for "The Great Big Clear-Out", as he'd named it in his mind, in the Witter house with his parents having to settle out, who of them got which. That part he'd been dreading for days, but thankfully with them still not being ready to see one another again, this had been taken care of with a very brief phone call the evening before. As a result of this, Pacey and Doug were going through what was now officially their mom's house, with a list of the things their dad had been given in the "Settlement". Most of the time, Pacey didn't help out more around the house than he had to, but with Joey having been on his mind constantly for the past week, it also made for a nice distraction before he would have to deal with his girlfriend troubles head on, when he spent the rest of the day afterwards with her at the "Miss Windjammer Contest".
"You're a lot quieter than usual today, Pacey. Where are the lame jokes or insinuations that I'm gay? Which I'm not, by the way!" Doug asked him, while they were helping one another with carrying down their former living room sofa from the attic, to be put into the delivery van parked outside, that their dad had borrowed from a helpful townsman for the occasion.
"It's hard to come up with jokes, when you're trying your hardest not to lose your balance on these steps and end up with a broken frigging neck!" he quipped back and wasn't lying either. Any wrong step by either of them and the consequence would be a rapid and unwanted trip to "Pain City", for the one holding the downwards facing end, as in himself.
"It's very convenient how dad has an excuse not to be the one doing this shitty heavy lifting, isn't it? Oh well, as long as I get my home back, I'm all dandy" Doug told him and Pacey knew that his brother wasn't kidding, when he said so.
"You're "All Dandy"? Which Streisand movie did you get that Metrosexual phrase from? Don't tell me, let me guess first! It was "Cabaret" wasn't it? I always had a sneaking suspicion, that one would be your favorite! With those fancy costumes and your personal heroine and idol Babs singing jolly old showtunes and all of that" Pacey jokingly asked, getting an eyeroll from Doug in response.
"Now, I recognize my little brother again! Just so you know, Streisand wasn't the starring actor in "Cabaret", it was Liza Minelli. Streisand wasn't even in it".
"Ah, my apologies! I should have known that it was your other personal heroine and idol! Or would that spot be reserved for Cher, I wonder?"
"Lay off it, Pace!" Doug annoyedly responded and they didn't resume the conversation, until the sofa was placed safely into the delivery van, that had "Walcott Constuction - You Ask For it and We'll Build it" written on its side panels.
"That's the worst of it over with. All we have left is to load up the last boxes and drive all of this over to dad's new place, where we get to carry all of it up two flights of stairs! Doesn't that make you want to thank the higher powers for being born into this family?" Doug sarcastically joked, as they shared a wry smile.
"As if the utter joy of our parents getting divorced wasn't enough already! Believe it or not, this is the easy part of the day, as far as I'm concerned" he confided in his older brother.
"What are you talking about? You can't tell me that as a guy your age, getting to see all of those pretty girls your own age all dolled up to look their best, doesn't lighten up your day more than usual".
"It would have, if I didn't have enough problems with them already, to last me at least until the end of high school!".
"No one said that the whole growing up thing would be easy, did they?"
"No, but this part sure wasn't in the brochure!"
"Which part would that be?" Doug asked, now looking a little concerned. For all of their differences, Pacey knew that his brother could keep a secret and wanted the best for him. Maybe, this was why he decided to finally confess it all to someone, like he couldn't with Dawson, whom he was sure would end up telling Joey, or with anyone else, for that matter. His present company at that moment excluded.
"Can I ask you something, hypothetically speaking?"
"If you do, I'll give you my best hypothetical answer".
"Say that you were involved with someone. Like, romantically involved and this girl has been keeping something from you, that you just found out about".
"Is this about Joey cheating on you? I never would have thought, she'd do something like that".
"She hasn't cheated on me ... oh, what the hell! I'll just tell you how it is! She's been offered a scholarship to study for free in France for the next semester and from the times I've spoken to her about France and the links it has to her family, I know that she really wants to try what it's like to live there and to take advantage of an opportunity like this, that we both know all too well, won't come around twice" he said honestly this time, getting a friendly nod in response from Doug.
"So? You're ready to wait for her for that long, aren't you?" his brother asked him.
"Do you think that she's said a word to me, you know, her boyfriend? She's known about this for weeks and she hasn't mentioned it to me at all! I had to find out from a closely linked third party in all of this, or I wouldn't have known a word of it" he explained, doing little to hide the frustration in his voice when doing so.
"I can easily guess why. She's a young girl in love for the first time and she's afraid of losing that love again. Even if she's been a tomboy for all of the years you've known her, she's still going to be like all other girls her age in some ways. You can't be mad at her over that".
"I'm not, it's just ... if she'd trusted me with all of her heart, like she's been saying that she does, don't you think she would have confided it to me, anyway? I know that I'm still new to this whole dating game scene, it just feels like she's been saying one thing and doing the other, you know?" he asked his brother, who looked like he to some extent understood, at least.
"It's hard to say. What does your gut tell you?"
"It tells me that she needs to do this and that she probably has other things, she hasn't been telling me about either, that I now wish, I knew. It's driving me crazy, Doug!" he said earnestly, before continuing with his van side confessional. "Then, there's this other girl. You remember Joey's friend Jen, right? Well ..."
"Does Jen like you back?" Doug interrupted by asking, before he could finish with where he was going.
"Let me say one thing first, my dear and obviously closeted older brother! I would never in a lifetime or counting on top of that the next many lifetimes, do that to Joey! She's never had it easy, when it comes to making friends with girls and it had become like a trauma to her after what happened with Melissa, that she was afraid to make close friends with one again. Now, that she finally has someone like Jen, who's that special to her and can be everything for her that me and Dawson can't because of the gender, we were born into, I would have to be the biggest A-Hole in the entire universe to do anything, that gets between those girls! If I did, I'm sure that it would hound me forever, like a guilty memory of romances past, that'll lead to me seeking out misery and pain for the rest of my life, to atone for it until I eventually perish in a pit of my own despair! Jen needs Joey just as badly back, it's not just a one-way thing. If she hadn't had Joey to honestly talk to about the things that are going on in her life, I sincerely doubt that she'd be doing anywhere close to as well, as she is starting to do here".
"If that's the case, why am I sensing a but? Or rather in this instance, yours and Jen's, sitting side by side and rubbed up all too tightly against each other?"
"I've been suspecting that she likes me for a while, I just wasn't sure until we spent an afternoon and evening alone together, a few weeks ago. She didn't tell me in so many words and I can't say that I've been the best when it comes to reading girl signals, but I know a look of pure infatuation, when I see it. She looked precisely like Gretchen did, back when she was in love for the first time, with that long-haired guy that dad couldn't stand the sight of".
"I remember the smile, she had glued to her face for those couple of weeks, before mom and dad forced her to break up with him, or they'd kick her out of the house. And you like Jen too?"
"When she first got here, I gave first crack at her to Dawson without thinking about it and now, I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have given up so easily. If it hadn't been for Joey getting there first, Jen would have been an easy second choice, after her and Dawson predictably didn't end up going anywhere beyond a few puppy love kisses. She's sweet and warm like Joey is too, and she's feminine, in all of the ways that Joey isn't, but still hitting that perfect level, where she isn't being over the top either. Even if we grew up in radically different places, we have a lot in common, when it comes to how we've lived so far. She's so easy to talk to that it's like she's a "Joey - Part 2" in that way, even for a guy like me who's shown himself to sometimes be infamously bad at talking to girls and just like it is with Joey, she's incredibly beautiful without being aware of it. You know, I'm starting to think that could be a turn-on for me?" he quipped, possibly out of feeling a need to downplay his problems and ease the tension of the current situation in his mind.
"Every guy has their thing, I suppose. Look, there isn't a textbook to tell you how to deal with these things, so all you can do is follow what your mind and your gut tell you".
"Right now, my gut is telling me that we should grab a sandwich for the road!" he joked, before the two of them got back to work. While they worked, he kept trying without luck to make up his mind on what to do about the "Joey and Jen" situation.
"Joey, I have to tell you something and I don't want you to be upset. It's just that I'm sort of ... in love with your boyfriend! That was terrible!" Jen scowled after yet another failed practice run in the mirror in her room, for how she was going to tell Joey about her feelings for Pacey. She wanted to tell him too, but she had to be honest with Joey first, before she got that far.
It had been a little over a week since she'd had her big talk with Abby and out of it had come an unexpected present or hate gift, whichever way you wanted to look at it. It had made her realize that in order to move on from this unlucky crush, she would have to be honest about it to Joey at the least. The alternative, this feeling of anxiety constantly building up inside of her whenever her and Joey talked now, would probably lead to the end of their friendship either way and she'd already begun subconsciously to avoid Joey at school, when she could. She knew this wasn't a good sign and if their friendship had to have run its course, then she would rather prefer it to end on an honest note, than with the reasons left unspoken between them.
She didn't plan on doing it on this day though, not with Joey already having the "Miss Windjammer Contest" to worry about. It could end up being fun too and for herself, good therapy for getting over being forced entered into so many of them by her mom, when she was still little and rather adorable to look at, if did have to say so herself. At first, it had seemed like it was fun and after she'd won her first contest, her mom had taken her out to a fancy dinner. It had been one of the few super enjoyable days they'd spent together, from what she could remember. When she'd only come in third in her next contest, there hadn't been a word spoken between them for the rest of the day and after her last contest, where she came last because she clearly hadn't wanted to be there and didn't care one bit where she wound up finishing, her mom had grounded her for two weeks. Jen had become so angry over this unfair punishment, that she hadn't said a word to her mom for the duration of her grounding and the next few weeks afterwards.
It was pre-Joey memories like those, that made it all the harder to be truthful with her friend, when it came to her feelings about Pacey. Joey represented many of the best parts in this fresh start, she'd been fortunate enough to have been given and for all in the world, she wanted them to be able to stay friends after the truth had come out. Telling Pacey was a different kind of beast altogether and whether she should or not, was still a debate being played out on a regular basis in her mind. Perhaps in time, should Joey and Pacey break up and both of them happened to be available at the same time, then she would tell him about this enormous, unlucky crush on him that she'd had ages ago, but couldn't do anything about thanks to him dating Joey. He would then act all in shock and it would lead to her after so long, finally getting to do the things, that she was regularly fantasizing about doing with him these days.
All of that was speculation over something that might never happen, though. Today, in the real world, she had both a beauty contest and an entirely unlucky crush to deal with.
END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN
