At Least

As the cell door was pulled shut behind me, a feeling of dread crept over me. I really hoped that Gandalf would keep his word and get me out of the Woodland Elves' cells. The fact that I was at his mercy made me nervous. But I was still confident that it had been the right decision. Certainly better than telling Legolas. I was wondering if what I had said had influenced him in any other way than the fact that I could be a potential threat to his father's kingdom. I knew he was curious. This trait was deeply rooted in his personality and I was sure it was still there, even now. He hadn't backed down when we first met in Minas Tirith – something that had bothered me at the time, but it was also something we had in common. If we smelled blood, we followed the trail to the bitter end. But curiosity alone was not enough to convince him that I was telling the truth. And even if he believed me, that didn't mean he would let me go. For this Legolas had not yet left Mirkwood. He had not made friends with a dwarf and had not risked his life for people outside the direct influence of the Woodland Realm. So Gandalf had to help me. And maybe I would reach the part of the elven prince that was willing to embrace new things. Or fail at the attempt.

Footsteps came down the stairs. My gaze wandered to Smeagol's cell, but he was huddled in the far corner as usual, his arms wrapped around his skinny body. As if he feared his respite was over. But he was lucky: this time the footsteps stopped in front of my cell. It was one of the guards who unlocked the door and motioned for me to come out. "Where are you taking me?"

"Mithrandir has put in a good word for you," said the elf. "You will be given a room. But should you even think about escaping, rest assured that this cell will be waiting for you."

"No doubt." He made a dismissive noise, then gave me a gentle shove to show me that he didn't want to waste any time.

For the second time that day, I followed the stairs upwards, away from the cells. At the top, we turned in the other direction and finally stopped in front of a room similar to the one I had once occupied for a short time. He opened the door and let me in. "I will stand by the doorway," he said as if to threaten me, then the elf locked the door behind him.

I turned around in one go. The room was indeed very similar to the one I had been allocated last time. Only now they must have prepared it for my arrival: the windows were locked and a quick check showed me that I wouldn't be able to open them. Apart from the bed and a dresser with a wash basin on it, there was a small fireplace where someone had stacked wood. I had no idea what time of year it was, but judging by that it was probably spring. The air in the forest had still felt chilly when I arrived and the nights must be accordingly colder. And although the windows were closed, I could still look down on the small valley in the centre and the river. Everything was so familiar. It felt like all I had to do was reach out and I would be there again, like when I first arrived at this place. Before the disaster at the ball had happened. Before Gimli and I had been locked up. Before Legolas and I had kissed for the first time.

The memory of it came over me with such force that my throat felt tight. I tried to swallow the tears, but it didn't work. Because of this, and because I was finally truly alone, I allowed myself to let them. I sank down on the floor next to the bed and pulled my legs up. Wrapping my arms tightly around them, I gently rocked back and forth, resting my head on my knees. I still couldn't hold back the sobs. Now that I no longer locked my feelings up, they took the place I had denied them for so long. What an utter, tangled, cruel mess. Why couldn't the Valar tell me what to do? Why did they dump everything on my shoulders – in the hope that I would fix it in time? Why did they allow me to fail time and time again when the world was at stake? Did they care so little about Arda?

My eyes burned from the tears and my head felt like it couldn't take the pressure of the questions buzzing back and forth inside of it like annoying flies for another second. What a fucking disaster! What kind of fiasco had I gotten myself into? And why was it getting progressively worse? I should never have set foot in the temple!

I was so busy losing myself in the situation that I didn't notice the door opening. It was only when the person was already halfway into the room that I realized the problem. I hurriedly turned away and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Not that it would have hidden anything.

"I'll... come back later," said a voice I recognized all too well.

I closed my eyes briefly before opening them again and taking a deep, but still shaky, breath. Of course it was the damned elf. He had always had a sense for the wrong timing. But now it was too late anyway.

I got to my feet with a sniffle and lifted my chin. I still had my arms wrapped protectively around my chest. They gave me support in a weird way. "Don't feel obliged." I knew he would see my red eyes and the stains the tears had left on my clothes. "Do you want to take me back downstairs?" My voice sounded just as rough as it had earlier when I had spoken to the wizard.

Legolas avoided my gaze. He was looking somewhere past my right ear at the wall. "No. I wanted to ask if you would accompany us on a walk."

"What?" With a quick movement, I wiped the remaining traces of tears from my cheek.

"Mithrandir thought it would be a good idea to let the creature Sméagol out into the open."

I blinked and stared at the elf. Then I remembered that Gollum had escaped during one of these excursions. But not while Gandalf was still there to interrogate him. "Why do you want me to go with you?"

"I did not make that suggestion," he replied sharply.

"Of course not."

"So you want to stay here." He has turned round faster than I could say stop, obviously relieved. But I said: "No. I'm coming with you."

"Fine."

"Am I going to be tied up?"

"You're not fast enough to escape."

Eyes rolling, I followed him out of the room and into the corridor. The guard eyed me. He must have noticed my collapse too, I realized. My cheeks began to burn and I stoically looked past both elves. "So c'mon, what are we waiting for."

When we met Gandalf, we were a group of seven: The wizard, Legolas, Sméagol, who they had put a harness on, me and three elven guards. One of them was guiding Sméagol, who was looking suspiciously back and forth between us, but said nothing.

Had it not been for Gandalf starting conversations with Legolas and the elven guards, we would have walked silently across the bridge and out into the forest. Nobody felt like talking and I did not understand what the wizard hoped to gain by leading Sméagol through Mirkwood. Was he trying to provoke him into running away? Surely that couldn't be his intention. Or was it?

I watched him speak to Legolas, who seemed more than aware of my glances to his back, for he answered very curtly, occasionally turning his head to the side to give me a sideways glimpse out of the corner of his eye. Finally, Gandalf stopped when he realized that Sméagol had stopped at one of the trees. The creature's long, pale fingers were resting on the bark, as if he wanted to feel the tree's life energy.

Legolas' face showed signs of disgust as he watched Sméagol. I got the impression that he wanted to stop him from getting too close to one of his beloved trees, but didn't because the wizard was standing next to him, keeping a wary eye on him and Sméagol.

Gollum made a small, happy sound, then took a leap and scrambled up the trunk so quickly and nimbly that the elven guards let out surprised cries. Legolas' arm shot forward to pull him back, but I instinctively placed a hand on his forearm. "Leave him."

As if he had been burned, he took a step to the side, my hand slipping from his arm in the process. The elf's eyes looked at me with a mixture of fury and embarrassment. "Do you want him to flee?" he asked harshly.

With a nod, I pointed to Sméagol, who had climbed onto one of the lower branches, no further, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his few hairs. He had his eyes closed and a smile on his face. "Does it look like he's trying to escape?"

Legolas followed my hint and pressed his lips together. Then he said, "One spy eating out of the other's hand."

Anger shot through my veins so fast it felt like a jolt went through my body, and before I could stop myself I said, "Don't you have a heart under all that armor? He may have fallen to evil, but he is a living being, like the rest of us."

"And that's why we should be lenient?"

"That's why you should treat him like one," I snapped. "The fact that I have to remind an Eldar of that is deeply telling. I thought we humans were the ones who had the exclusive right to cruelty."

He raised an eyebrow. "It would be news to me that the secondborn were particularly ruthless. Whereas your arrogance is unrivaled."

"This coming from you."

We exchanged stares until Gandalf cleared his throat. "I hate to interrupt your banter, but it is time to return to the gates of the Woodland Realm." The elven guards made sure that Sméagol climbed down from his branch. His walk on all fours was lighter than on the first trip and I had the feeling that Gandalf had achieved what he wanted. This time Legolas fell back into step beside me, but did not say a word. Only when we had left the mighty gates behind us and the guards had disappeared with Gandalf and Sméagol in the direction of the cells did he say, "I will take you to your room."

Instead of replying, I just nodded and followed the corridor that I knew would lead me to my room. As we were about to reach it, Legolas added, "I do not know how you bewitched Mithrandir, but I will not fall for you so easily."

My body tensed, but I held back. For now. "I don't care what you think."

"You should."

With an abrupt stop, I came to a halt, the door to the room only a few meters away. I was tired of the constant jibes, the hostility. I knew it wasn't him. It was just the facade he kept up for me because he thought I was someone who wanted to harm him and his father's kingdom. "What do you want from me, Legolas Thranduilion? You seem so intent on making me into something I am not. At first I understood that to a certain extent, you want to protect your home. But Gandalf, Mithrandir," I corrected myself, "was not bewitched by me. He was only willing to believe what I have long since revealed to you." He started to reply, but I cut him off: "It is up to you if you do not wish to believe me, but I pose no threat to your realm. Let me go and you will never see me again."

"Not until…"

"... I haven't told you how I got in."

He exhaled loudly. "Why are you asking if you know what I want?"

"Because I've already given you the answer."

"And this is where Mithrandir and I disagree."

I could feel the anger returning. I didn't really want to let it win, but the look in his eyes challenged me. I put my hands on my hips. "Are you calling me a liar? Again?"

"I know disloyalty when I see it."

And that was the point where I saw red.

Moving so quickly that I surprised myself with it and him too, I stepped close to the elf and said quietly but very clear: "I don't know what will happen in the years to come, but it will do you good. I would never have entered into a relationship with someone so closed-minded. But you are making it easy for me to stop seeing him when I look at you." I knew I was telling him too much, that I should hold back, but he made me so terribly angry. "You want the truth? I woke up in the Woodland Realm because we formed a bond with each other that seems to extend all the way here." That was a rather bold statement, but the one that made the most sense to me. "You can be sure: I wish it no longer existed. Unfortunately, it's not something I can control."

With that, I yanked open the door to my room and threw it shut behind me. Or at least that's what I wanted to do, but I didn't hear the sound of the lock closing. Instead, it opened a second time. He just couldn't leave it alone.

We stood facing each other. Legolas must have acted on impulse, because he seemed just as self-conscious as he had in the forest. Eventually he found his voice. "What kind of relationship?"

"That's all you care about?" I looked at him with disdain. "Are you afraid you won't like the answer?"

He said nothing, just eyed me. His gaze was watchful, reserved, but behind it I saw the curiosity I had been thinking about earlier. I had been right: He had stayed because he sensed that I had not hidden anything from him this time.

"A love affair." I almost spat the words out, partly to cover up the burning in my cheeks. "Are you content now?"

Silence descended on us like a white sheet covering old furniture. I could no longer bear his inquiring gaze and turned away. As much as he had implied before, he had little to say now. It was as if he had expected a lot, but not this. At least, I thought bitterly, I was still good for a surprise.

When he didn't say anything back after a few more moments, I said: "I want to be alone."

Instead of an answer, all I heard was the door being drawn shut.

My shoulders sank and I closed my eyes. I should have just stuck to my lie. The situation was even worse now than before.