A/N: More angst. Enjoy!
"We got him"
Three words. Three words uttered by Luke Alvez as he walked into JJ's room as soon as he was allowed to. Three words that made JJ feel like the floor was falling out from underneath her, shock written all over her face as clear as day.
"Who?" she breathed, hardly daring to believe that he was saying what she thought he was saying.
"Slimy little prick named Elias Voit. Family guy from Seattle. Wife, two kids. He put Rossi in a shipping container and buried him-"
"What?-"
"-we rescued Rossi, tracked Voit to Burney, California, and… he killed Bailey"
JJ couldn't help her jaw dropping. "Doug Bailey's dead?"
Luke nodded. "He… it's been a crazy week. We don't officially have enough evidence yet to tie Voit to the shipping container bomb, but… it's him. We know it's him"
JJ felt like her ears were ringing. As if she'd been thrown back into the container and the bomb had gone off for a second time. All this time… all this time, she had barely given any thought to who was responsible for her condition. Part of her had assumed it was Benjamin Reeves. And Reeves was dead. He'd gotten his comeuppance, and she was still alive… dealing with the fallout of his actions. So the other part of her that hadn't assumed it was Reeves had pushed forward, not giving it a second thought as she learned how to sit up and feed herself again.
Except now it wasn't Reeves. It was Elias Voit. Elias Voit was Sicarius. Elias Voit was the one who had destroyed her life in a split second. Elias Voit was the reason she was now a quadriplegic.
"JJ?"
As Luke's voice cut into her thoughts, she realised her chest was closing up like a vice. She couldn't breathe. Her right hand came to her chest, scrabbling against her gown as she lifted her face towards Luke, her wide eyes suddenly screaming at him for help. Her chest was rising and falling, faster and faster, but no air was going in or out. Panic. Pure panic.
And she didn't even really know why.
"Hey, hey, it's ok, you're ok," Luke said suddenly, diving forward and bringing a hand to her shoulder as his other hand hit the call button. "JJ, look at me. You're safe. You're ok"
It became a blur as two nurses rushed in, voices filling the room and flooding her brain. An oxygen mask was fitted over her mouth and nose, a needle injected into her IV line. She didn't know what it was, but moments later it must have been coursing through her veins, because just as quick as it had started, the panic was ebbing away and her heart rate was starting to normalise.
"You with us, JJ?" came a young female voice, and JJ lifted her gaze to find herself looking at one of the younger nurses from the unit, Bianca. She nodded weakly, focusing on the cool oxygen flowing down into her lungs.
"Think you had a little panic attack there," Bianca said softly, one hand holding JJ's wrist gently to track her pulse. "Your diaphragm can't remember how to kickstart your breathing as well anymore, so it made it easier for you to lose your breath. We gave you a shot of diazepam, just to take the edge off enough for you to breathe. Are you feeling ok?"
JJ swallowed, trying to coat her mouth and throat which were now incredibly dry. "I think so"
"Ok. I'm just going to check your stats and make sure nothing seems out of whack. Keep that oxygen on for a little while, it'll help you get your breath back"
She lay there, her eyes travelling up to stare at the ceiling panels above her as Bianca took her blood pressure and checked a few of the readings on the monitor. A few minutes later, she left the two alone, instructing JJ once more to keep the oxygen mask in place until told otherwise.
"You ok?" Luke asked, slowly lowering himself into the armchair beside JJ's bed. JJ didn't reply straight away, keeping her eyes fixed on the ceiling as she took a deep breath to settle herself before she spoke.
"It's been… so easy to just pretend that this was an accident. Just a horrible accident," she said sadly, her voice muffled beneath the mask. "I mean, we were in Georgia and then all of a sudden life just became this blur of drugs, rehab, surgeries… this whole time, I'd almost forgotten that… someone is actually responsible for what has happened to me"
"He's going to pay for it too," Luke said, the tiniest flicker of anger wavering through his tone. "We don't have enough evidence yet, but… we will. We'll make sure of it. I'll make sure of it"
Turning her head to look at her colleague, JJ allowed her eyes to rake Luke's weary frame. The faint bruises lining his temple, the dark circles beneath his eyes, eyes which were raging with determination and fury, despite what the rest of his body was telling her. He was exhausted. The whole team had to be. Spurred on by vengeance, she knew sleep was a pipe dream.
And yet, his voice spoke of something else. Something that JJ now realised she should have known for years. Ever since Derek Morgan had left the BAU… ever since Luke had been partnered with her in the field… he cared for her, the same way a big brother would care for a little sister. He wanted to protect her from harm… and he was killing himself that this time, he hadn't been able to.
"You know this isn't your fault, right?" she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Luke hesitated, his face softening, the hard anger fading away to be replaced by what could only be described as sadness. "I… I'm supposed to have your back JJ-"
"This. Isn't. Your. Fault," JJ repeated firmly, her eyes practically burning at his skin. Luke didn't respond, avoiding her gaze, until she followed up with a sharp "Luke".
"I know," he breathed. "I… I know. I just feel like shit that I got to walk out of the hospital with a few bruises and some broken ribs and you… you're here"
Lifting her hand, she awkwardly grasped the mask, tugging it up and off of her face before casting it to the side of her pillow. "Luke… don't get me wrong… I wish the outcome had been different. But I don't wish for a second that anyone else was in this position. I know you've always had my back. You dragged me out of that warehouse before it exploded, and we'd only been working together for a few months at the time. I don't see this as some eternal failing on your part… we were both trying to get out of there"
"I just keep thinking about how this has changed… everything. For you, for Will, the boys…"
JJ nodded. "Yeah… it has. But I'm still alive. And right now, that counts for a hell of a lot. I can still hug my sons. I can still tell them I love them. I can still laugh with my family. There's… look, a lot of days at the moment are really, really shit. And sometimes it's hard to focus on the positives. But that's what I have to do, because I have to look beyond the now and see what's ahead, otherwise I'm going to go insane. I'm not going to be in hospital forever. At some point, I am going to be able to go home. I'll be able to sleep in my own bed, sit on my own couch and watch a movie with my family. And because I can focus on that, I can set goals for my future," she said, pausing for a moment to take a breath before she spoke again, this time, her voice much softer, yet filled with determination. "I'm going to be walking independently within five months"
"That's…"
"A huge goal, I know," JJ cut in, seeing the surprise on Luke's face. "And I know the odds. But I just… I have to push myself. I feel like if I'm not walking within six months of the accident, it won't happen at all. And I know that's not necessarily true, but the odds get lower the further we go"
"Well… I believe you can do it," Luke said sweetly. "If anyone can, it's you"
"And when… he goes to trial… I'm going to be there. I know he's a psychopath who doesn't feel remorse… but I'm going to make him look at what he's done to me," JJ said, her voice wavering. "Because… something good has to come from this… this complete and utter pile of shit"
"He'll pay," Luke said, his eyes darkening. "One way or another… he's going to pay for this"
Silence fell between them, their words and insistences hanging in the air, until JJ spoke again. "Luke?"
He looked up, his eyes locking with hers, his expression softening once more as he waited for her to speak.
"Tell Emily I don't blame her either. I know she's kicking herself for sending us in there, but… it's not her fault. None of us knew"
Luke nodded once. "Ok"
"I'd like to see her. I've only seen her once since… that night"
"Ok… I'll tell her"
Nightmares.
Will didn't know what had triggered it. But their youngest son was now plagued with nightmares.
He was no stranger to them himself. Almost every time he'd closed his eyes since JJ had ended up in hospital, he was treated with a reprieve from the waking nightmare they now lived in… a reprieve that consisted of twisted visions of explosions, his entire family paralysed from the neck down while he watched helplessly, JJ screaming his name in terror before she was blasted out of his view.
He hadn't slept properly in weeks. It showed on his face. He saw Sandy's concern every day when she came to the house. And now, it was further compounded by being woken up every night to the screams of his seven year old.
Michael either couldn't, or wouldn't articulate what he was seeing behind closed eyes every night, but whatever it was, it reduced him to hysterical tears by midnight, like clockwork. Every night had turned into the same routine. After getting Michael to bed and checking on Henry, Will would fall into bed, most nights still completely fully clothed. He would try, and maybe succeed at getting a few hours of restless shuteye before Michael's screams pierced the silence, pulling him back out of bed and back upstairs, where he would inevitably spend the rest of the night crammed into Michael's twin size bed, his youngest child buried beneath him for protection from the demons in his own mind.
That particular morning, Will, having disentangled himself from his son around 5am, was on his third cup of coffee when Michael came trudging down the stairs, his hair sticking out at odd angles and his eyes accented by the dark circles underneath them. But it wasn't the dark circles, or even the pale skin that made Will realise just how much he'd underestimated the effect this was all having on his child.
It was the ratty security blanket he had clutched in his hand, a security blanket he hadn't moved from his bed in over three years.
"Hey bud," he said softly as Michael came over to join him on the couch. "How you feelin'?"
"My tummy hurts," Michael mumbled, clambering up beside his dad and snuggling into his side. "I don't want to go to school today"
"No, that's ok buddy," Will said gently, leaning down and kissing the top of Michael's head. "You don't have to go if you don't want to"
Michael opened his mouth to reply, but the only sound that came out was a strangled sort of cough, seconds before the contents of his little stomach came tumbling out across Will's lap.
"Oh jeez," Will grimaced, steadying Michael's shoulders and hastily throwing the security blanket out of harm's way as another wave followed, splattering down the side of Will's leg and onto the floor. "It's alright bud… you'll feel better once you get it up," he said gently, ignoring the mess and accepting his fate as he brought his right hand to rest on Michael's upper back. When he was sure there was no more coming, he gingerly rose to his feet, ignoring the horrid feeling of vomit sliding down the side of his leg as he turned and lifted Michael up by the armpits. He carried him easily through to the kitchen sink, where he sat the young boy up on the counter before grabbing a new Chux wipe from under the sink and wetting it under the tap.
"You ok?" he asked, his worried eyes searching Michael's face and body for signs of illness as he bent down to wipe up the mess on his legs. Michael shrugged, his sad little face cast towards the floor. Will made quick work of wiping himself up the best he could, rinsing the wipe under the tap and wringing it out before he turned to Michael. "Do you feel sick because you're tired?"
Michael shrugged again, watching Will's repetitive motions as he wiped the worst of the mess from the front of Michael's t-shirt.
"Is there anythin' I can do to help you feel better today?"
There was a pause in which Michael made no move, the kitchen silent save for the sound of the wet Chux wiping against skin, but then, his little voice finally piped up.
"Can I watch cartoons in your bed?"
Relieved that Michael wasn't actively shutting down right in front of him, Will couldn't help but break into a smile. "Of course you can buddy. Do you want me to lay with you?"
Michael nodded, watching Will as he grabbed a glass off the side of the sink and filled it halfway with cold water from the tap.
"Try and drink some of this," Will instructed gently as he pressed the glass into his son's hands. Michael obediently obliged, lifting the glass to his mouth and taking a few measured sips. When he felt he'd had enough, he passed it back to his dad. Will dumped the glass out and set it in the sink, Michael's eyes following him as he moved. He watched him as he tossed the dirty Chux over into the trash, before Michael reached out his skinny little arms for Will to carry him away from the counter. Obliging, Will lifted him into his arms, carrying him back through the lounge room where they retrieved the hastily discarded blanket, and through to the master bedroom.
"Let's get you properly cleaned up and then we can jump back into bed, ok?" Will said softly, tossing the blanket onto the bed as they passed it, carrying his son directly into the master bathroom. "You have a quick shower while I clean up the couch, and then you can pick the cartoons you want to watch"
Michael nodded, allowing his dad to set him on his feet on the tiles. He turned immediately, reaching into the shower stall and turning the tap, the water beating down and shattering the quiet of the bathroom. Once Will was sure Michael was ok, he returned to the kitchen, grabbing a handful of cleaning supplies to try and remove the mess in the lounge room as best he could.
Ten minutes later, he returned to the bathroom, where he found Michael standing under the steamy water, his pale skin now flushed pink with heat, his face a little brighter than when he had first come downstairs. It took him another fifteen minutes or so to get Michael out of the shower, set him up in bed with the TV remote, and then take a shower of his own, but finally, Will was crawling back into bed beside his son, his weary body sinking gratefully into the mattress beneath him. As SpongeBob SquarePants played out on the TV screen, he reached for his phone on the nightstand. He moved quickly despite his tiredness, knowing there was a message he very much needed to send.
Not sure if I'll be coming up to the hospital today. Michael's got an upset stomach. Keeping him home from school for a day in bed. Might come and see you this afternoon if he's feeling better and your mom can come around to sit with him. Will keep you posted. I love you, I'm proud of you.
"Dad?"
"Yeah bud?" Will replied as he hit send on the text.
"I miss Mom"
Michael's voice was so quiet, but Will heard it loud and clear. As the seven year old burrowed even further into his side, the blanket clutched tightly to his little body, Will felt a painful tug in his chest.
"I know bud," he said softly. "I miss her too"
They stayed that way for a little while, snuggled together until Will's phone buzzed, making him glance at the screen.
That's ok. Stay with the boys. Sounds like Michael needs a day with his dad 3 I love you too. Let me know how he's feeling later on. And give him a big hug from me.
"Momma misses you too," Will said softly, placing his phone back on the nightstand and wrapping both arms around his youngest child. Michael didn't resist, resting his head on his dad's shoulder, his eyes fixed on the anthropomorphic characters jabbering away on the screen.
That was where Sandy found them when she let herself into the house just after lunchtime; fast asleep, for once not plagued with terrible nightmares. Shrouded in daylight, safe with each other, the two of them looked almost peaceful, and knowing how much both of them needed their rest, that was where she left them, grateful that no matter the time of day, they were finally getting some long awaited sleep.
Emily's office door was open when Luke arrived in the bullpen for the day, so after dumping his bag on his desk, he made his way up onto the catwalk and poked his head into the office with a cursory knock at the door.
"Hey, come in," Emily said, looking up as he walked into the room. "How's JJ?"
Luke nodded half heartedly as he walked towards her desk and leant against the back of the chair sitting in front of it. "She's… ok. I think. I'm not really sure"
Emily stopped what she was doing, looking up at the younger agent with a curious look. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know… she's setting goals… showing determination… spent a lot of time convincing me this is no-one's fault but Voit's… but somehow, it felt like she might be over-compensating," Luke replied. "It's… honestly, I don't know. I know JJ well enough to know she'd want to convince everyone she's ok, but this is such a huge thing that's happened to her… I wouldn't be ok"
"Sometimes when something traumatic happens, you have to fake it til you make it," Emily said with a sigh. "I wouldn't be surprised if that's what she's doing… it's what I'd do"
"I told her about Voit," Luke added, pausing for a moment. "She… she seemed quite shaken. Got all panicked, and then admitted she'd almost forgotten that someone was actually responsible for her condition"
Emily's face softened, her eyes suddenly bright in the daylight streaming through the windows. For a moment, Luke was sure he saw clear indications of guilt oozing through the cracks in her expression.
"She wants to see you," he said, relaxing enough to shoot her a small smile. "Told me to remind you it's not your fault either"
"I gave the order-"
Luke shook his head, holding up a hand to cut her off. "JJ will insist. It's not our fault. The fault lies entirely with that little fuckstick Elias Voit"
Emily heaved a sigh, leaning back in her chair. "It's hard not to feel guilty"
"I know," Luke agreed. "Believe me… I know"
Will had woken up around mid-afternoon feeling incredibly refreshed, and so after making sure Michael was feeling better, he'd left the boys under Sandy's watchful eye and headed to the hospital, making it just in time to catch the last ten minutes of JJ's afternoon physical therapy.
"Hey you- hey, you're standin' again!" he exclaimed excitedly as he walked into the room to find JJ up on her feet, albeit heavily supported by Charlie and Amelia.
"JJ's got more feeling in her legs again today, so we're going to attempt a few steps," Charlie said with a bright smile. "You came at the perfect time"
Will, suddenly filled with hope and elation, pulled his phone from his pocket, opening the camera and holding it up as Charlie helped JJ find her centre of gravity.
"That's it JJ… nice and steady," Charlie coached as she and Amelia held tight to JJ's arms. "How do you feel?"
"Good," JJ said, her face bright with excitement as she looked up towards Will, noticing for the first time that he was holding up his phone. "Are you filming me?"
Will chuckled. "Absolutely. Gotta show the boys how much of a determined lil' badass their momma is"
JJ grinned, refocusing on her legs and feet as Charlie brought one hand to her back to provide a little more support.
"Alright… when you feel ready, let's try and take a step," Charlie coached.
Focusing on how the floor felt beneath her socked feet, JJ centred all her energy on her lower limbs. Remembering the exercises she had done early on in her rehab, she was able to lift her right knee just enough to scoot her foot forward about half a step. The motor control was minimal, but it was movement, and right now, that was all that mattered.
"That's right, now move your weight onto your right foot," Charlie said with a smile. With the tiniest bit of momentum now behind her, JJ was able to coax her left leg into moving much easier than she had her right leg, and before too much longer, she had two steps under her belt.
"Look at you go!" Will said, his voice catching in his throat as his eyes began to swim with tears. "Jayje, you're walkin'!"
JJ's face was evident of just how incredible the moment was. She was trying not to cry as she took another step, planting her right foot down again and relishing in the fact that she could actually feel the firmness of the floor pushing back against her.
"One more step, and then you'll be close enough to hug Will," Charlie said through an ear to ear smile, her tone and energy motivating JJ to push just that little bit further. Will ended the recording, pocketing his phone and hastily wiping the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. JJ's final step brought her within arms reach, and without prompting, he reached for her, Charlie and Amelia easily guiding JJ's arms towards him. JJ needed no assistance to loop her arms around Will's shoulders as he wrapped his around her waist and held her tight in the first real embrace the two had been able to share in over a month.
"I've got you… I got you," Will said tearfully, clutching his wife tightly as she buried her face in his shoulder. Her body was shaking with tears, both of them completely overcome with elation, grief, joy, sadness, and everything in between. Amelia had stepped away, wanting to give the couple as much of a moment as possible, but Charlie remained nearby, ready to catch JJ if her body suddenly gave out on her.
"I'm gonna walk again," JJ said through a wall of tears, clutching at Will with all the energy she had. "I'm gonna do it"
"I never doubted you for a second," Will replied, pulling back just enough so he could see her face while still keeping a secure grip on her. Through tears, all he could do was smile at her, before leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to her lips. They lingered for a moment, before he pulled back, looking at her tear streaked face with nothing but love and pride. "And we're gonna be with you every step of the way"
