I tried not to make you wait too long for this after that last chapter, but I had to find time to edit, sorry! Hope you still love me and my story!
enjoy xoxo
disclaimer: I own nothing
Jess still doesn't reply, even by the time her midday break starts that day. Her nerves again are a bundle of anxiety and guilt. She arrives at the café a bit early, and she's delighted to see the bar next door to it is open. She walks in and orders a shot of whiskey to calm her nerves. She pays, and with a deep breath she heads over to meet Logan. She can hear his voice before she spots him, sitting on the phone at a small corner table with two cups of coffee. He catches her eye and gives her a smile, quietly waving her over.
"Yes. As I said, she will be home tomorrow, and we will meet you and Tom for dinner. Seven pm sharp. Happy family faces on. I have to go, I'm stepping into a meeting. Uh huh. Bye." he hangs up his phone and holds a coffee out to Rory. A wave of shame rolls over her, as she realizes that she's still a secret in Logan's life to someone.
"A business meeting? Is that what this is?" she begrudgingly takes the mug from him, "Okay, what would you like to discuss Mr. Huntzberger? Care to comment on the numerous terror attacks England has endured this year? Because that's the only business I'm in this country on."
He sighs, but an amused smile stays plastered on his face.
"Relax. That was Mitchum. Did you want me to tell him I'm meeting you?"
She bristles at that, "I'm not afraid of him."
He chuckles, "Alright, maybe you're not. But I am."
She almost laughs.
"It doesn't feel good to be a secret, Logan."
She receives a rare serious look from him, "Rory, I'm sorry, but you're always going to be a secret to some people in my life. Even if we aren't doing anything inappropriate now, having this close of a friendship could raise flags to certain individuals."
"You mean the same individual that caught us having lunch together in London because you took us to a restaurant owned by your family? The man that's almost completely devoid of morals and makes you look like a saint?", she fumes.
"Okay, okay you're right. This conversation is not going the way I planned, I'm sorry. But if you remember correctly Rory, I was a secret to people in your life too. And I probably still am. Who did you tell that you're meeting with me? I'd love to know."
She loses momentum at that, and slumps back in her chair.
"I told Mom."
"Ah, I'm sure Lorelai sends her well wishes."
"If by well wishes you mean she wants to push you down a well, then yes."
"Ouch."
"Did you think I wasn't going to tell her about…everything?," Rory argues, and then leans in to say quietly, "she was the first person I told about the baby. I had to tell her about the miscarriage and everything else. She's my mom, and my best friend, Logan."
Logan's face turns solemn, and he nods gently.
"I'm sorry that happened," he places his coffee down and leans closer to her, hand moving suspiciously closer to hers on the table "I would have been there if you let me."
"How?" Her response is rapid and demanding, and she leans away from him, moving both hands to her lap. She's too detached from any feelings for him to be swayed by his illogical hypothesizing. He meets her daring look, then concedes to his defeat with a sigh and leans back in his chair.
"Besides. I had someone there for me. He…helped me so much. He helped me deal with the aftermath of the miscarriage and our affair when I wasn't ready to talk to anyone else but him. He's patient, and understanding, and makes me feel...incredible. He helped me find myself again. For the second time in my life."
Logan tenses and watches her intently.
"And funny enough, both times I lost myself involved a Huntzberger," she contemplates, "so maybe I should be thankful to you guys for bringing this man back to me. I am really so much better and happier now than I was a year ago."
"You're seeing someone?" he asks carefully, running the tip of his finger around the lip of his coffee mug.
"Yes. You've met him, it's Jess. And don't be a jerk and pretend you don't know who I'm talking about."
He bites his bottom lip and clicks his tongue.
"The great American novelist?"
"I said don't be a jerk, Logan."
"I see, so he swoops in and saves you whenever you make poor decisions. Lifts you back up on your high horse."
She fixes him with a deadly glare.
"I did not decide to have unprotected sex."
"No, and I know that was fucked up for me to do. But you did decide to sleep with an engaged man."
"You were very persuasive if you remember correctly. You always are. You're constantly selling something that seems shiny and simple on the surface, but when you dig a little deeper it's completely messy and misleading. Just like my internship, and just like my meeting with Condé Nast. Just like the interview you set up for me at Time magazine, and just like your father claiming publicly that he helped me get the Yale Daily News position, after single handedly wrecking my self-esteem about something I had wanted to do my whole life. And, oh yeah, just like you telling me not to worry about protection in the midst of an already risky romp. Deceit must be a dominant gene in the Huntzberger DNA!"
Just then, a waiter drops food at their table with a nervous smile and quickly disappears.
"You ordered already?" Rory pauses her tirade.
"Yes, is that okay? Or have your interests changed so much you don't still love the spicy grilled cheese here? With a side of fries, not a salad, of course."
She finally cracks a small smile and starts to eat. He grins and digs into his meal as well.
"I know what you're trying to say," Rory says after a while, "it's not all your fault. I know that. I don't think I'm innocent in this at all. But you crossed a very important line of consent, Logan. That I'm going to be dealing with in some capacity for a long time."
He swallows, "and I know what you're trying to say. It's not all my fault, but I did screw up the most. I understand that I took advantage of you, and it doesn't matter if the decision was made under the influence or not. I fucked up. I know that. I'm sorry."
She nods and continues eating her food. Logan orders them both coffees to go when they're done eating.
"Why did you want to meet up?" He finally asks as he pays the bill.
She inhales deeply, "Jess asked me that too."
"And? Is there a verdict?"
She shrugs, "I…want to see you're doing well. And I want you to know I'm doing well."
"I am doing well. And I'm glad you are too. I mean that, Rory."
She nods and timidly holds out her hand, "friends? Or at least good acquaintances?"
He smiles and shakes her hand in response.
"I am thrilled to have that title."
"Speaking of titles," Rory grins, "how is being a dad?"
His normally smug smile melts to something softer and more genuine.
"It's pretty cool."
She breathes through her aching heart and manages to keep her smile up.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. He's just…so small. And beautiful."
She nods, "he was a good looking newborn, and that's rare!"
He laughs, "you think so? I was afraid I had parent vision, you know because when it's your own kid you think it's the best looking thing you've ever seen."
Her smile is tight now, "no, he was very cute right off the bat."
Logan nods and rubs a hand against the back of his neck nervously.
"Do you…want to meet him? Odette is away until tomorrow. He's home with the nanny."
Her lips smack as she opens and closes her mouth, unsure of what to say or do. Part of her wants to go, and the other part is begging her not to. Red flags and warning signs go off like a dashboard in a car wreck. But that positive, optimistic voice in her head drowns out the noise.
"Um, if you're sure that's a good idea, then yeah it would be nice to meet him I think."
"Really? You will adore him. Come on," he excitedly leads her out of the café towards his home. She gulps down the trepid bubbling in her stomach and follows.
When they walk through his door, she immediately feels out of place. She cautiously travels the halls with him, trying to pretend she doesn't remember the layout, but the somewhat distant memories are tugging at her mind and demanding her acknowledgment. She knows if they make a right soon it would take them to his lavish bedroom. Her skin crawls as sensory reminders lurch forward such as the sleek silk of his sheets on her back and the soft plush of his carpet under her feet, the downy velvet of his oversized headboard, the scent of the extravagant citrus and bergamot hand soap in his bathroom that cost more than all of her toiletries combined. But even being in the familiar space, and actively haunted by those memories, it feels like she's envisioning a story about someone else. It doesn't feel like it was ever actually her life. She doesn't know if she's dissociating, or if she has just changed so much that her old self is a stranger. She hopes it's the latter.
Logan stops suddenly at a door to a room she's never been in. He opens it carefully to reveal a nursery. A petite young blonde woman is standing next to the creamy white crib, the wall behind it covered in a soft baby blue plaid-like design. Rory notices an oversized teddy bear with a tie that matches the wall in the corner of the room, and a vintage looking rocking horse that she is sure is actually brand new and priced like it's a real animal. But it's the nothingness in the room that she notices the most. The gaps of bare white carpet, spotlessly clean despite housing a messy baby. The lack of real photos, the missing baby toys she expected to see. The bookcase full of perfectly matching neutral colored spines. She's never thought that a copy of Charlotte's Web could look so uninviting as this minimalistic design makes it seem. It's all so empty and doesn't strike her as a room for a child at all.
She is pulled from her observations by Logan's voice.
"Is he awake?" he whispers to the young woman. She nods and smiles at Logan, but her look sours when she glances at Rory.
"Yes, I was just about to feed him. Do you want to do it?" she asks, holding out a bottle to him. He grins and takes it with a nod.
"I guess I should leave you two alone?" the woman asks, crossing her arms over her chest. Logan keeps the grin on his face, but Rory notices a slight tick of his jaw.
"Sorry. Rory, this is our nanny, Brittany. Brit, this is my friend Rory. We went to Yale together. She's in London on business, she works for the New York Times."
"Nice to meet you," Rory smiles, but the woman doesn't return it. She just nods and walks towards the door.
"Let me know if you need anything, Logan. I'll be in in my room."
"Is she always that friendly?" Rory quips after she leaves.
He shrugs, "she's probably tired. My little guy was exercising his lungs big time last night, weren't you?" he murmurs as he picks the baby up from the crib.
Rory quietly sucks in a breath, as she watches what has only been a concept in her mind become a reality in front of her eyes.
"Rory, meet my son. Kennedy Huntzberger."
His words poke at her sensitive heart. She shakes it off.
"Hi Kennedy," she murmurs, eyes roaming over his sweet, cherubic face, "very WASPy name, by the way. But it's perfect."
He laughs, "I didn't have much to do with picking his name I'm afraid. I do like it though."
She wants to ask why he wasn't involved in that process but stops herself. It's none of her business. It's not her husband. It's not her life.
"Sure. Sounds like a senator or the executive of a media conglomerate," she shoots Logan a teasing look. He chuckles and nods towards the baby.
"Want to hold him?"
She finds herself nodding before she can even process the question. He carefully transfers him to her, and now she's holding Logan's son in her arms. Someone that has nothing to do with her, but somehow inflicts so much feeling. It all feels incredibly delicate all of the sudden. The infant she's holding, the situation she has put herself in, her emotions. She bites hard on her lip while she tries furiously in her mind to deny the possibility that Jess was right; she is not ready for this yet. She jumps slightly at the baby's sudden shrieking howl. Logan steps closer to them and places the bottle up to his lips and he instantly calms.
"Sorry. I'm sure you can relate to that level of hunger," Logan jokes with a smirk. Her lips twitch into a ghost of a smile. Her eyes don't move from the adorable bundle in her arms, but she can feel Logan's gaze boring into her.
"How old is he now? He's gotten chunky."
"Yep, he loves his food. He's turning four months, couple days before your birthday actually."
She looks up at him for a second then back down at the baby. She wonders if the baby she was supposed to have would have been born on the same day. With her luck…
"Four months. Wow. What time was he born? Was labor horrible for Odette?"
"I think around eleven in the morning? I didn't arrive until the afternoon. Part of the dynastic agreement was that he had to be born in France. I was still in London when she went into labor so I'm not sure how bad it was. She seemed okay."
She looks up at him again, but this time he's not staring at her. He's looking at his son. This information has a dozen questions pestering her mind, but she takes a deep breath and sticks to her plan of staying out of it. She looks back down to her arms.
"He's precious, Logan," she whispers, eyes fixed on Kennedy's greenish blues.
"I agree."
It's silent as they watch him feverishly finish his small bottle. Her alternate life is playing again in her mind, and she thinks about being in this situation and that the baby in her arms is hers. But in her vision Jess is by her side, in New York. She's not with Logan in London. And he would know exactly what time the baby was born, and he would have never been an entire country away from her so close to its due date. There is no doubt in her mind about that.
Logan's quiet but rough voice breaks her reverie.
"You look good like this. Really good, Ace."
Her eyes snap up to his, which are fixed on her with an inappropriately dreamy look. Her face screws up in warning. Before she can chastise him, the nursery door opens, and Brittany appears with a small blanket in her hands.
"Sorry, here's his favorite blanket. I had to wash it this morning because he spit up on it. Just wanted to make sure you have it before he naps again."
She holds it to Logan, and Rory notices something pass between them. His hand lingers on hers a little longer than necessary as she hands the blanket off. Logan grins at her and Rory catches the blush on her face before she leaves the room. He turns back to Rory and his face sobers at her incredulous look.
"Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing."
He ignores her and turns away to place the blanket in the crib. He wordlessly takes the baby from Rory's arms and puts him on his shoulder, where he's placed a small towel, and starts lightly patting his back.
"Logan. Tell me you're not having an affair with your freaking nanny!"
"Rory…" he sighs and closes his eyes.
"Oh my god! What is wrong with you?!"
He looks at her briefly before turning to put his son back in his crib. He then turns back and steps towards her. She flinches at his closeness and takes a step back.
"I would not call it an affair."
"Jesus Logan," she laughs humorlessly, "would you call it cheating on your wife? Who just had your first and only child not even four months ago?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but Odette doesn't care."
"What does that mean?"
"She knows what's going on. She doesn't care."
"You're telling me she said that it's okay for you to sleep with the nanny?"
He runs a hand over his face.
"Not exactly those words."
"What words exactly? Please tell me so I can try to feel better about the person you've become."
He scoffs, "see? Back on your high horse, just like I said."
"If caring about you destroying your chance at a happy family means I'm on a "high horse" then fine, okay, I'm riding fucking Pegasus!"
"Rory, you don't get it. We are in an arranged marriage for our families. The happy, perfect family you're talking about is not a box we fit in. We have to stay married no matter what, so why would we bother controlling each other's lives? I don't even know where she is right now. She just told me she's going on a 'business trip' and will be home tomorrow."
She shakes her head vehemently, tears burning her eyes.
"No Logan, you don't get it! Do you know how lucky you are to have this?"
She starts to cry, and Logan leans in to wipe her tears but she pulls away.
"You have a family. A beautiful, healthy and very well off family. You can have real happiness too if you would just try!"
"I am happy, Rory! My life is just fine."
"Stop it, Logan. Do you not see what you're doing? You're perpetuating your father's proclivities, and sooner or later Odette is either going to turn into your mother or do the same thing to you. Neither of you will try anymore, you'll be burning through nannies because you keep screwing them and you won't have a good relationship with your son. Even if you're somehow happy in this mess, you're not trying at all! It's goddamn worth it to try, Logan. And don't you see that would be the ultimate win over your family's expectations? Finding real love, safety, and happiness within the 'shackles' of the arrangement your parents forced you into to make their lives better? Mitchum and Sherah don't expect you to make the most of this, they expect you to act out and cheat on your wife and be an absent father. You can trample their expectations like you've always wanted to do. Work on your family, work for your family. Try hard. Fucking try Logan!"
"Jesus Rory," he mutters and covers his face with his hands, "Why do you care so much? You don't understand, as soon as the pregnancy was officially announced, the baby became this symbol for the joining of our families. I didn't have control over anything that went on with Odette and the baby from that point on. Doctors appointments, her family went with her. My mom had her busy constantly planning a baby shower, decorating this room, and shopping. And my dad planned for us which magazines and newspapers would get to take pictures and talk to us first. I was pushed out of my own family so they could micromanage the baby's life before he was even born. I don't have that connection with Odette right now, and I hate to say it, but I don't really have it with the baby yet either. Do you know how it feels to be a stranger in your own family? So yes I am taking some liberties outside of my marriage because it makes me feel good. And I'm sure Odette is doing it too. But Rory why do you care? You didn't want this with me."
Rory feels a niggling of gratitude for not being the one to have his child after all.
"Because the opportunity to have my own family was first forced on me, and then when I came around to it, it was taken away from me. Not only that, but I have lived a life where my father didn't care enough to try and be the best he could be for me. And I'm pretty sure you have too with Mitchum. I wish I didn't care, Logan. I really do. I wish I could walk away from this today and never think about it again, but I know I'm going to. Even though you let me down sometimes, I will always try to see the best in you."
He swallows loudly, his face puckered slightly in affliction.
"I don't deserve that."
"No, you don't. But that doesn't seem to matter to me."
He opens and closes his mouth. He runs a hand through his hair.
"I don't know what to say."
She shakes her head, "It's fine. This was a mistake. I wasn't ready to do all this."
"I'm sorry, it's my fault that you feel that way I guess."
"Yeah. Thank you for lunch. I can see myself out," she quickly steps towards the bedroom door but stops at its threshold, "Maybe I overstepped but…Logan, you are lucky. So lucky. Don't forget that."
She makes her way out of his home as quickly as possible. Once she gets to the street, she wipes the tears from her face and takes a deep breath. She notices she still has some time before her next meeting, so she wanders aimlessly while in her thoughts. It's obvious to her now that Jess was right, it was too soon to try and do this. Even if she hadn't gone up to meet the baby, she didn't gain anything meaningful from meeting him for lunch. But he certainly was not right about Logan manipulating or swaying her into anything. Because there's nothing attractive or alluring about a man that isn't Jess, and especially one that she has such a sordid history with. Who pretends to not have feelings and cheats on his wife because it's easier to him than building a meaningful relationship. When she thinks about Jess in comparison, she realizes that Logan is not the only lucky one. She takes out her phone on the way to her meeting and calls him.
"Ror, I'm so sorry I didn't text you back. I didn't know what to say. Are you okay?"
"Um, not really, but that's not why I called."
"Rory, baby…you sound like you're crying. What happened?"
"We'll talk about it when I come home. I just wanted to call and say, thank you for caring so much. Thank you for working on yourself and being the person that you are so that we can have a healthy relationship. Just…thank you, Jess. I'm so lucky to have you."
"Oh Rory…" his voice is soft and full of tenderness, "that's not something you need to thank me for. You're easily the most significant person in my life since I met you. I wanted and needed to be better for you, and for me."
She swallows down the swell of emotions rising in her throat.
"And you're half of this relationship, you have done the hard stuff too, Rory."
She lets those words settle over her for a moment in calm silence.
Then she chokes out, "I love you, Jess."
Before he can respond, she tells him she has to go and hangs up the phone, shuffling to her meeting before she can get caught up in her thoughts again.
She goes through the day being able to put her personal life on the back burner, busy with doing research, interviewing, and writing. But as soon as she finishes her work, she's hit with every quieted thought at once. She slumps over the desk in her hotel room, resting her head against her closed laptop. Her hands tirelessly fist and play with her hair as she tries to make sense of…everything. From the way she feels, to ways she doesn't feel. Like the confusing pain in her heart both for Logan and also for herself in protection from him. How disappointed she is in him and what he's doing, or not doing, with his life. But also, the absolute relief she feels that it's not her responsibility, and it doesn't have to affect her own life.
She's shocked at what he's doing, but also not. As Jess said, so perceptively, Logan has shown her plenty of times his worst. But he so cleverly crafts and weaves it with his charm, and with all the good parts of him, it's difficult to not want to give him more chances. Because while she knows his default is to always live for himself, she also knows he's capable of more because she's witnessed it. She's seen the good, she's seen selfless Logan, but has she seen it any more or completely separated from his selfish, thoughtless side? No, not really. It's all layered with him, it's usually happening at once. He's all smiles and wit, completely captivating in any conversation or meeting, but at closer glance, his smug smile is telling of his true desires. It's like he's in on a joke that no one else is, presenting himself as the well-crafted Huntzberger son while secret dalliances await his attention somewhere else. But maybe, she thinks, with the life that has been forced on him by his family, it's the only way he knows how to free himself.
It's not an excuse to put zero effort into creating a loving, supportive family though. That speaks louder to her than anything else in her head. She has firsthand experience of what that's like from a parent. And Logan has some experience with that too. And of course, so does Jess. Her and Jess did not let that define them, and they each worked in their own ways against it. Logan could change if he wanted to, but Rory gets the feeling that he doesn't want to. He gave her hope those few times they spoke on the phone before his baby was born. He sounded wary about becoming his own father, about his child having the same family experiences as him. But instead, it seems he is letting the family name win again.
He deserves better, and his family deserves better. But he has to want to go through the trouble of working on that. He has to want to be the doting father, and caring husband to Odette. It doesn't make it any better if she's doing the same thing, despite Logan's argument. It just makes it more obvious that they would both rather take the easy route and continue living life as if they don't have the colossal commitments of marriage and children. She wonders what a conversation between them sounds like, if they wake up together in the morning. Does he listen to her talk about anything and everything? Does he make coffee for them, or does he have a household employee do it? Do they even speak or does one get up earlier than the other and they just live on completely different schedules? Do either of them attend to the baby in the middle of the night when he cries, or is it always the apparently live in babysitter? Do they also think of their child as a tool or symbol of a bond between two ridiculously wealthy families? Are they just doing their family duty? Does Logan tell his son that he loves him?
It's this question that finally ceases her swirling thoughts. Because the fact that she has to wonder isn't a good sign. And it makes her realize that, she actually did get her closure. Although it wasn't what she expected, and not what she wanted for him, it is not for her to spend any amount of energy worrying about. Because he's not hers. Because she's not his and she will never be again. Because things did happen the way they were supposed to. As wrong as it feels to think of it in that way, she was not meant to have his child. She would be asking herself these questions incessantly every day for the rest of her life if they did have a baby together. She would have to make excuses for him not being around, she would have to remind him to talk to his child, she's sure. She would have to deal with the fact that his 'dynastic' family would always come first. And he wouldn't get it at all. He would never understand. He would use that horrible coping mechanism of his to pretend like everything is good, all the time always. That he bears no responsibility that he doesn't want. He would make her feel crazy and over emotional. She can see that uncharted path more clearly now, and it's not such an uncharted path after all, is it? Because just like her mom said, it is so much like her and Christopher.
She has her closure. The reality of Logan's life has effectively shut every open, curious door that begged her for answers since the previous year. She lost a baby, and that was horrible, and she will always have to live with that. But she doesn't have to live with Logan or his poor choices anymore, because there is no tether keeping them together. And she decides that this is the last time that she will ever seek him out. Maybe they will run into each other over the years, at media events, Yale reunions, or even being in each other's city for work. But she has no desire and feels no need to purposely spend time with him. Their story is over. She understands, and is okay with the fact, that Logan's is just his life now. And hers is hers. Well, hers and Jess's.
Thinking of Jess, she reaches into her bag for a pen and her journal. And she decides to try and explain things to him through their most effective communication tool: written word.
Jess,
I called you earlier today and told you that I love you. I want to first and foremost say that I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know I was emotional, but I don't want you to think it was an in-the-moment thought. I love you.
I'm sorry about the way I handled the London/Logan stuff. I want to try to explain to you my reasonings. I would have done that sooner, but I didn't really understand the motives myself until I talked to mom, and until I saw Logan. I didn't understand it because it seemed like something that I shouldn't want or need given the circumstances of everything. But I guess I did. I wanted closure with him, and with the different life we almost had. I also didn't know what that looked like. I got my answers though, and I did get my closure after all.
I wanted to see him happy, and I wanted him to see me happy. And he did see me happy, I told him about our relationship. He was more respectful than that night in Hartford at least. I told him about how much better I'm doing than a year ago. And I think that he is happy too in his own way, but it's a passive sort of happiness. Like income you don't have to work for. His life is good enough that happiness finds him, and that seems to be enough for him right now.
In addition to seeing him happy, I think I was hoping to see that I was his last adulterous mistake. I thought maybe we had both learned from what happened between us. But it seems to be just me. And I am making peace with that. He didn't learn, or he is refusing to recognize the lesson. I will spare you the details but he's not trying as hard as a husband or a father as he could be, or as he should be. I swear to you, there was a time where he didn't want to take the easy way out of anything. He really tried to be his own person for a while, at least with work. I don't know what happened to that part of him, it seems to have just vanished. I hoped that it was still there, I will continue to hope that it's still there but I'm not going to spend any more energy trying to get him to find it again. It's not my problem.
So, yes, as you predicted, he did show me his worst again. But not in the way that you were insinuating. He didn't try anything Jess, because I didn't leave any room or possibility for it. You're the only person that I want. How could I possibly fall under anyone else's spell when I have you? I am still a little hurt by your words, they made me feel as though you think I'm weak and susceptible to his charm. When in fact, I now realize that his charm is just a front, and it most often disgusts or concerns me now.
I'm not that broken, messy and grieving woman I was before. I'm strong and happy, and I'm in love with you. There was no possibility of Logan being able to say or do anything that would erase all of that. But I do understand where you were coming from. And I understand the timing was weird - I chose to ignore that part until now. I know we just started this part of our lives together, that it's been less than a month. And I can see how me wanting to meet with Logan on a work trip would concern you or raise flags. I would feel the same if the roles were reversed. And I assume it felt extra risky to your happiness, with all that you've been through. I know you worked hard to get through everything with your family. And I know that our relationship was, in a way, a prize for doing that. I'm sorry for not considering that. But there was and is no threat to us, and we're not a prize. You would have had me no matter what. I would have stayed by your side to help with your mom if that was necessary. I would have traveled through the trenches of it with you, just like you did with me. I hope you will try and shift your view of us in this way, I don't want you to ever feel like you might lose me. Especially to something/someone as ridiculous as Logan and his Lothario ways.
I promise that this is the last time I will ever make time for him. And I'm not saying that just to make you happy or to fix the Logan issue. I'm saying it because it's what I want, I mean it. I may not have seen what I was hoping to see, but I got my closure anyway. And that closure has made it clear that Logan is not supposed to be in my life in any other capacity than distant friend, ex-boyfriend, acquaintance, whatever you want to call it, now. He's served his purpose, things between us have taught me many lessons over the years. And it ends with this one: we are different people, and we always will be, and while there are both good and bad memories, there is no need to leave open a line of access between us. It's so far hurt me more than anything, which I know is something you were trying to tell me. I get it now.
I was upset on the phone because I was feeling very overwhelmed. I held his baby, Jess. He has a son. It was really difficult and emotionally gutting. And I felt this horrible internal conflict, because it's hard for me to say that things happened for a reason when the 'things' that happened included the loss of our child. And when I say our, I mean you and me. Because that's all that I could picture while I was holding his son. You and me and the baby I was supposed to have, happy in New York together. You loving and attentive to both of us. You knowing everything about our baby, everything about me and how, where and when it was born.
You know at Thanksgiving last year, when you approached me in the dining room, I was deep in thought about what my life with that baby would have looked like. And as I turned to you, I was hit with the clearest image of me nursing the baby in mom's office next Thanksgiving, with you by our side, doting and supportive. It's always been you, Jess. Even carrying someone else's child, it was you. Your care, your touch, your encouragement when we talked and danced at mom's wedding, when I was still pregnant, it all sparked undefinable desires within me. But I know what they meant now. You are my future, one way or another it was going to be you.
I'm not trying to compare you and Logan. It's just that thinking about who you are and how you are with me, and other people has me realizing things I didn't before. It's strange to me to think that when you were a teenager, people thought you didn't care and didn't put any effort in because of something stupid like skipping school. When it's so clear to me that you cared so much, and you did put in the effort in the ways that you thought made sense. And you are even better at showing that care now, and you consistently try - you don't ever give up and it's beautiful. Whereas with Logan, people thought he cared and was diligent because he was great at selling that image of himself. You would have put in all the effort to be a father to a child that's not yours, to make a relationship with me work no matter what. Logan doesn't care, he doesn't put it in effort, and he thinks it all makes sense. I never put those things together before today, but now that I have, I'm even more grateful for you. And I think Logan is even more of an idiot than I did before.
Again, it's hard to say that everything happened for a reason. It feels reductive and like its meant to hide all the dark, scary parts of life. I don't want to hide those part, and I don't want to ignore them. They make us who we are, if we try to glaze over them or pretend they don't exist, it just hurts us more. Like you said in The Subsect in so many words, we are all works in progress always. Trying to avoid transition periods will have us losing a lot more.
What I'm saying is, although I've shut the door on Logan, it doesn't remove any of the damage that's already been done. I foolishly thought that it might. I thought seeing hard evidence that it's time to move past all of that would make it happen. But those experiences, those emotional wounds will always be a part of me. And that is the same for you, with everything that you've been through. Sometimes these things will come out of nowhere and cause problems, and sometimes they will help bring us closer.
But Jess, I want you as you are if you want me as I am. And I hope you do.
Love always,
Rory
She works mindlessly for the rest of her time in London, keeping herself busy until the very last minute of her trip. On her way to the airport to travel home early that Saturday morning, she texts Jess to let him know her flight information. With the time difference, she is set to land in New York around noon. She doesn't expect to see a response from him until she lands, since it's currently around one in the morning in New York. But as she's standing in line to board, she gets a message from him.
-Please check your email before takeoff. I can't wait to see you
A strange mixture of both excitement and dread knot up in her stomach. After scanning her boarding pass, she rushes to get to her seat on the plane. She checks her email on her phone and sees one on top from Jess. The subject line is Dodger + his Book Tease and she sees the symbol that indicates there is an attachment. She clicks on the email and reads his message:
Rory,
I did it all wrong. Not that I would take any of the last month back, but I didn't go with my original plan and that's been bothering me. More so now, in light of what is sure to be the first of a handful of spats we will get into over the years together (just a handful though, I'm confident of that). If I had done everything as I had originally planned, you would have known how in love with you I am before we stepped into our future home. And I would have felt more secure about you and me, and not been so, admittedly, hostile about Logan. But when I saw you again after all those months apart, and we had intoxicating sex, and you gave me that beautiful journal with your even more beautiful inscription; I got excited, and I couldn't wait any longer to show you where we would live together. You will find out soon enough what my original plan was, and maybe I should have waited anyway. But I had to throw caution to the wind because I wanted to give you everything I could as soon as possible.
Attached is your one of a kind, annotated version of my chapter - now called "Dodger + his Book Tease" (you didn't think I forgot that nickname, did you? Though I guess I'm a book tease now too for waiting so long to give this to you). I'm surprised that you haven't asked about it this whole time. I'm happy though because I've been planning since the morning after Christmas to save it to give it to you now - when I could finally tell you I love you and do something about it. I know you are probably tired and planned to sleep on your trip home, and you should, but please spare a little bit of time to read this before you land.
I bled for you on these pages, just as you did for me. We are equals in this and simultaneously together in it. One won't suffer without the other. One won't be blissful without the other. We take care of each other. Rory, I will always put in as much work as you, and I know you will do the same for me. I hope you see that in these notes.
Love deeply,
Jess
Any form of response is stuck in Rory's throat as she reads through his message. She takes deep, calming breaths through her nose as she reaches into her bag for her laptop. Airplane internet is always spotty once up in the air, and she's not taking any chances. She opens the email on her computer and quickly saves it. Putting it away again just as the pilot announces take off. She is restless and oblivious to any happenings around her as she waits until she can take her laptop out again. It makes her want to smile that they both decided to settle their issues and communicate their thoughts through writing, it's so beautifully symbiotic. And perfectly supports her belief that they belong together. But the butterflies in her stomach have her feeling on the brink of nauseous, and all she can focus on is getting back onto her computer as soon as possible. The moment the plane feels steady, she whips it out of her bag, deftly opening her tray table and setting it down. Then, she begins to read and absorb every thought and revelation the love of her life has decided to share with her.
to be continued...
