"Look at her! Look at her! Now's your chance!" the Sorting Hat goaded him. He was standing in the kitchen of Number 4 Privet Drive, keeping Petunia company while she cooked. The first hour of his visit this Sunday afternoon had been filled with Harry and Dudley clamoring for his attention, but now the two of them had settled down for naps. Vernon was watching television. The Hat he had disillusioned on his head and was the true motivation behind his visit today.
"Petunia, you're...glowing," Severus observed, finally giving in to the Hat's rude, intrusive, and insistent demands. This being the Hat's first adventure off the Hogwarts grounds in a thousand years, its excitement was excruciating. Severus regretted everything.
Petunia turned to look at him with a grin, still holding the spoon she had been using to stir the soup for the evening. "First time you've commented on my appearance since we were spotty teens, and I'm glowing, eh? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not sure. But you are." She had an aura about her the likes of which was vaguely familiar but not something he definitively recalled, either from personal experience or from reading. The Hat had noticed it first, annoyingly. It didn't know what it was either, and it kept pestering him to find out.
Now she raised her eyebrows. "I was teasing you because I thought you were being figurative. What on earth to you mean?"
Severus shrugged. "I don't know how to explain it. You look the same as always but have an air of... power about you. That's not the right word either. It is something I truly perceive, not something I interpret or infer from other aspects of your appearance. I just don't know what it is."
Her voice lowered fearfully. "Do you mean some kind of, of magic?"
"It could be, but of a kind I don't recognize."
"Someone put a spell on me!?"
"No, it doesn't look like that."
"Well, then what does it look like, Sev?" She threw the soup spoon into the sink, slammed the lid back on the pot, and wiped her hands on her apron, glaring at him.
"As I said, I don't know. It doesn't look dangerous by any means."
She started twisting the fabric of her apron in her hands. "This was supposed to be our back-to-the-good-life year! I'm pregnant! I don't need some new, weird, scary mystery, Sev!"
Severus blinked at her and studied the strange not-actually-glowing again. He blushed slightly. "Oh. I see. That's probably it."
The Hat laughed softly in delight. "Don't blame me. I don't seen too many pregnant people living in a boarding school," it whispered in Severus' ear. I will lock you in a closet with a boggart, don't think I won't. "That will only work if you sit in the closet with me, otherwise there won't be a mind to fear, remember?" I can put fear into inanimate objects.
"What's probably it?" Petunia interrupted the silent dispute. Severus resolved to ignore the Hat as much as possible. It hated being ignored. He refocused on Petunia.
"The pregnancy. It is known that the bond between a mother and child is itself a powerful kind of magic. That's the power Albus used in the wards on your house, remember?" He did not specify that that particular branch of magic was rather poorly understood and esoteric to the point the Dark Lord had not believed in it at all. Severus himself had been a little skeptical of Albus' explanation about these enhanced blood wards, but looking at Petunia now, he really did believe in the power of love. A little.
"Hah! The bat of the dungeons is going soft!" the Hat chortled in quiet glee.
Petunia's mouth fell open. "But... I'm not a witch. I'm not magical. And I do not have some unnatural glow!"
"No, I assume the 'glow' must be perfectly natural and common to both witches and muggle women. I'm sorry for alarming you, but I haven't spent much time around pregnant women, particularly not since I've learned enough magic to be really sensitive to it and figure out what I might be 'seeing' via magic-sense. It is a subtle thing. I probably wouldn't have noticed it if you were a witch, since the native magic would have superseded it."
"Everything alright in here?" Vernon asked, poking his head into the room.
Petunia rolled her eyes. "Fine, dear. Severus just said I was glittery."
Vernon shook his head and snorted. "Poor choice there, Sev. The 'G' word has been banned since Christmas."
"I did not," Severus objected. "Glowing, I said. It was a complement."
"You said it was an ineffable thing and clearly resented it," Petunia told him primly.
"I like her," the Hat supplied.
"Nonsense." He met her insufferable, superior eye. "You misunderstood. It wasn't resentment, it was jealousy." Petunia glanced at Vernon and blushed. Severus grinned deviously. "The glow of confidence, the excitement for the future, the power of nurturing, it looks good on you, Petunia. And woe is me, that is an air I shall never attain." He sighed dramatically.
Petunia swatted him with a kitchen towel. She grimaced at Vernon. "I told him the good news."
Vernon huffed, mustache twitching. "Right. I'll be in the other room watching the match on telly. I'll leave you two to whatever this is."
Once Vernon left, Severus turned back to Petunia and politely said, "Congratulations, of course. When are you due?"
"June."
"Auspicious," from what he remembered of Lily's fourth-year divination notes. He hadn't taken the subject himself, much to his later regret. "Do you know boy or girl?"
"Not yet."
"Do you want me to check?"
Petunia's eyes widened. "You can do that so early?"
"Yes. Technically, its possible as soon as the embryo is formed, and very accurate."
"Oh. Um, not right now. Maybe after I've talked to Vernon about it."
Severus nodded and smiled again. "I'm happy for you both. Let me know if there's anything I might do to help you. There are for instance a number of simple potions used to treat things like morning sickness and headaches in pregnancy that are both safe for the fetus and effective in both magical and non-magical pregnancies."
"How do you know they're safe for muggles?" Petunia asked suspiciously.
"They're mostly old, old recipes dating long before the Statute of Secrecy, when a lot of housewitches would make these kinds of cures to sell to their muggle neighbors. There was also a series of experiments published in Practical Potioneering two years ago by a Japanese witch whose husband is a muggle biologist to confirm."
"I'll keep you in mind, then."
..."Can I give you a hug?" Severus blushed the moment he asked, while the insufferable Sorting Hat cheered in his ear, but Petunia politely ignored his consternation.
"You may."
He crossed the room and embraced her lightly. "Congratulations again. I'll be very excited to meet my new not-actually-niece or nephew when the time comes."
"Thank you, Sev." Her hair brushed against the brim of the Hat. She leaned back and frowned at the air above him. She could probably see the faint distortion left by the Disillusionment charm. "Is there... something on your head?"
"There is." Don't say anything until I tell you to. He grinned, stepped away from the window, drew his wand, and tapped the Hat to remove the Disillusionment charm. He swept it off his head with a flourish and held it up between them. "Petunia, may I present to you the Hogwarts Sorting Hat."
She eyed it. "A bit ratty, isn't it?"
He snickered. Serve the Hat right to see her so unimpressed. "Well, it is a thousand years old, afterall. Did Lily ever tell you about it?"
"I don't think so."
"It belonged to Godric Gryffindor originally, one of the Hogwarts Founders. I've told you about the four Houses of course. The Sorting Hat is enchanted to place the children into the House with the best fit."
"Huh. How?"
Her lack of excitement was starting to set him on edge now. Maybe this hadn't been such a brilliant idea. "It can... see into the mind of whoever wears it."
"It can read minds?!"
"In simplistic terms, yes, sort of."
"All the students at Hogwarts have to have their minds read upon admission?!"
..."You have a way of making that sound much more sinister than it actually is."
"Well, pardon me for thinking a mind probe is a huge invasion of privacy for an unsuspecting eleven-year-old."
"It's an entirely confidential process. The Hat is forbidden from sharing what it finds with anyone else, not even the Headmaster. In fact, it probably couldn't share thoughts and memories even if it wanted to. It isn't actually sentient. It does not have its own mind but rather piggybacks off whoever is wearing it." He chose not to delve into the ambiguity of the Hat's nature any further. He'd probably scare her off.
"If you say so," Petunia said skeptically. "Why did you bring it here?"
"Well, I'm supposed to be wearing it wherever I go throughout the months of November and January - remember how I mentioned the skewed Slytherin sorting?" She nodded curtly. "This is part of the plan to fix that. The other Heads of Houses and the Headmaster are wearing it the rest of the year."
Petunia's nose wrinkled. "Who's cleaning it?"
"There are charms for that as needed," Severus said shortly. Petunia's interest in cleanliness had always been a little too keen and had only increased with age and motherhood, it seemed. "Anyway, this is a rare opportunity. Most years, the Hat stays locked in Albus' office at all times except for the Sorting Ceremony."
"Opportunity?"
She blinked at him. He smiled. "If you and Vernon are interested... the Hat would love to assign you a Hogwarts House. That is, after all, its entire purpose."
She looked down at the Hat in his hands. Her expression was unreadable. He decided to stay silent. He knew Petunia had been insanely jealous of Lily when she first got her letter. The two of them had even discovered Petunia's letter written to Albus, arguing why she should be allowed to go to Hogwarts as well. He didn't know how she would receive this offer, though. He hoped she would take it as intended, a gesture of goodwill, a chance to fulfill a childhood dream. She could easily spurn him and the Hat though, just as she had been rejected at the age of thirteen.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why should I care to be Sorted?"
Severus shrugged. "Honestly? No reason. Wizarding Britain places far too much importance on Hogwarts legacies. There's no reason for you to buy into all that. But... I think you would have wanted this chance, once upon a time. Since the opportunity arose, I could not resist offering it to you. You don't have to take it. You can decide it is silly and childish, which it sort of is. Or you can indulge in the childishness and the nostalgia of what was or could-have-been. Or you can do it for a laugh, or for curiosity. If nothing more, the Hat is a unique window into one's own mind."
She smiled slightly. "Alright, but let's get Vernon to do it too. And I'll call Arabella over. She's bound to be interested in this."
Petunia agreed to this silliness for Severus' sake. It took awhile to convince Vernon to trust something as suspicious as a mind-reading magic hat, but Arabella's enthusiastic arrival helped clear up any doubts. Arabella demanded Severus outline the typical Sorting Ceremony in great detail and reminisced about the letters her siblings and nephews had sent home about their own Sorting. Clearly, this was a treasured right of passage for British witches and wizards. Seeing old Arabella so excited was enough to tug on even Vernon's heartstrings. Both Vernon and Severus vetoed Arabella's request for the Sorting Hat to sing the history of the Founders and the Hogwarts Houses at them. Instead, Severus briefly described the four Houses and their attributes before passing the Hat rather unceremoniously to Arabella, who was sitting closest to him.
She jammed the Hat on her head immediately and closed her eyes with a huge smile splitting her face. After a few seconds, the Hat shifted on her head. A rip in the side opened up. (Petunia and Vernon leaned back from the strange sight involuntarily). "GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat cried merrily.
Arabella's eyes flew open, and she clapped her hands together joyfully. "Yes! House of the Brave! Oh, I wish I could tell Beatrice..." She pulled off the Hat and passed it to Vernon. "Thank you, Professor Snape. You don't know what this means to me..."
"Don't mention it. Don't mention it to Albus, for that matter." Severus turned his expectant gaze towards Vernon. Petunia met her husband's eyes, and she patted his hand reassuringly. He hesitated only a bit longer before lifting the shabby, pointy hat onto his head.
The other three watched and waited. Vernon was taking longer than Arabella, and his face was starting to flush. Petunia felt a jolt of worry. Arabella was a squib, unlike her and Vernon. Maybe muggles were different and couldn't be Sorted. "Is it working?" Petunia asked Vernon softly. He nodded and stared up at the Hat's brim, arms folded across his broad chest.
Finally, the Hat moved again. "HUFFLEPUFF!"
Severus smirked, and both he and Arabella lightly applauded. "Congratulations, Vernon," Severus said.
Arabella shot him a mock glare. "You didn't congratulate me!"
"I'm a Slytherin. Your Housemates are the bane of my existence."
"Tosh."
"Also, even the Hat thinks Hufflepuff is the best House, at least when it's on my head."
Vernon's dour expression lightened as he passed the Hat to Petunia. "Hufflepuff did sound like the most practical option."
"Loyalty and hard work are nothing to sneeze at," Arabella agreed amicably. She shifted to watch Petunia. "Your turn, dear. Let's see, then!"
Petunia shifted her grip on the Hat and slowly lifted it up to her head. "Hmm..." a little voice suddenly spoke in her ear. Actually, both ears. "An unusual blend, I see."
Unusual blend?
"Oh yes, bravery to do what you must, and a certain forthrightness amongst your closest friends, but both are tempered by suspicion of the unknown and the caution that comes with experience. My, my... adults are so much more interesting and complex to Sort than young children. I should suggest a second Sorting upon graduation to the Headmaster. Wouldn't that be fun?"
Sounds like you'd be stirring up trouble, Petunia thought, thinking of all the difficulties Severus had described plaguing his own work and students because of foolish inter-House rivalries.
"True, although soul-searching can be productive, not just entertaining." The Hat had a mischievous streak that Petunia did not approve of. It chuckled. "No, you wouldn't, would you? There's great determination in you to conform and to maintain peace. An interesting trait, that. I never see it in children except when it is driven by self-preservation, which... you are to a degree... but your conformity is not, really... That's more a sense of justice and intrinsic love of order. So, bits of Godric's bravery, hints of Helga's loyalty and self-discipline, and a showering of Salazar's decisiveness and leadership, of your husband at least."
I don't lead Vernon! How dare the Hat call her some nag!
"I never said you were. I merely point out that when it matters, he follows you. You took in your nephew. You decided first to hide him, then to stop hiding, then to love him, then to bring Severus into your household, then to move on with growing your family. You sought Vernon's counsel at every point of decision, but you were always the one with final say. Vernon has his own leadership traits that he deploys in his workplace, but he defers to you in the home. That is not a demerit on you, or him, or your marriage. It is merely fact. You were the same in your relationship with Lily, the difference being she was just as headstrong as you and unwilling to meekly follow."
You're awfully judgy for a supposedly inanimate object.
The Hat laughed again. "In truth, any moral judgments I offer come from the person on whom I sit. I am merely a Sorting Hat, after all. Now, where to put you? What do you think?"
That's your job.
"True, but you are not eleven. When well-formed minds like yours come to me, I can direct them to where they will be most comfortable, to where they most want to go, or to where they have the most potential to grow."
Petunia pondered that. What did she want out of this bizarre conversation? It was Severus' idea, not hers. She had little opinion on which Hogwarts House she might have belonged in if things were different. So, was she interested in what she already was, or what the future held? She looked down at her belly and smiled softly. It wasn't a hard question really. Place me with my potential.
"Very well. For you... a part of you wants to join your husband in Hufflepuff, a show of love and loyalty that Helga would no doubt approve. The loyalty you hold to your nearest and dearest is unshakeable, but you have no interest in extending it to others at the risk of your own. Your work ethic is remarkable, but it is already matured... So not there.
"Another part of you would join your friend Severus in Slytherin, to assure him he is not alone. Helga would surely approve of that as well. Salazar, however, would scoff at such motivation. The House of Slytherin is best suited for those whose ambitions, great or humble, lie at the core of their being."
An ambitious eleven-year-old? Well, no wonder satisfactory Slytherins are few and far-between.
"You've been talking to Severus," the Hat sighed. "Regardless, you're right. You may have the ability to lead and succeed... but you're not personally ambitious in the traditional sense. You have a single-minded protectiveness of your self and your family at the expense of less tangible goods that drives you. That is also a matured trait and unlikely to change. But, what you do wish to foster in yourself is the bravery to be as your sister was... willing to experience something new and otherworldly, willing to fight for a cause larger than yourself, and of course willing to lay down your life for your children. Well, I don't think you need to fret on any of those points, which makes you..."
A Gryffindor? Her eyes narrowed at the thought.
"Oh, you're not pleased? I was just about to shout it out."
No, Petunia wasn't pleased. She realized just now that she didn't want to be trailing after Lily after all this time. She liked her life the way it was. She liked the person that she was. The Hat was right when it suggested that she didn't have to feel inferior to noble, self-sacrificing Lily. She knew in her heart that she would sacrifice herself for her children, absolutely. And that cause... was enough. She didn't need to reach for more than what was needed to keep her family healthy and happy. She didn't need to risk what she had for what could have been.
"Wow, and there's Rowena's wisdom! I could really put you anywhere! But I see you've changed your mind and wish to simply be categorized rather than pushed."
Yes. Petunia felt vaguely satisfied the Hat was having trouble putting her in a little box. It meant she was a complex enough individual that her ordinary life could not be called mere complacency. Since this is a private conversation, how about this? You've already told me where I could go to "maximize my potential," Gryffindor. Now tell me where my "best fit" would be, and then put me in... Slytherin. Severus cares more about this than Vernon or I do, and I think it would make him happy.
The Hat chuckled one last time. "In that case, I call you a shrewd judge of character, which is a characteristic of... SLYTHERIN!"
Petunia winced as the last word was more of a shout. She pulled the disconcerting Hat off her head immediately. Arabella applauded. Petunia looked immediately to Severus, who smiled tightly at her. She grinned sheepishly. His smile widened, and the constant tension in him relaxed slightly. He clapped his hands six times.
"That was my second pick," Vernon commented as he passed the Hat along back to Severus, who tapped his wand to make it invisible again. "Interesting Hat you've got at that school, Sev. Now that's finished, who wants to watch the match?" He lifted up the remote control.
Arabella rolled her eyes, while Severus merely smirked at how unprofound Vernon took the Sorting experience to be. As for Petunia, she was not... unaffected, she decided. It was an interesting Hat, to give a little insight into one's own mind. It still seemed an odd way to start out a school career. For a moment, though, Petunia allowed herself to imagine how it would have been to go to Hogwarts with Lily... she frowned. She probably would not have accepted her own "Slytherin" traits so easily back then. Self-preservation, bossiness, and shrewdness weren't exactly what the Evans family most valued; she doubtless would have found the Hat's push to Gryffindor more appealing. She also hadn't liked Severus then. She probably would have been one of the people trying to break up Lily's and Sev's friendship, and she would have had a better chance of success than anyone else. She glanced across at Severus, who was listening intently to Vernon's explanation of the Queensbury Rules.
Petunia might wish for a number of things to be different, especially for her mother and sister to still be alive. However, looking back on her life now, sitting with these two friends and an adoring husband, with two sweet boys upstairs, a new bun in the oven... she did not regret not going to Hogwarts.
Arabella jolted Petunia out of her reverie. "Can I help you in the kitchen, Petunia? Honestly, men and their sports." Petunia hid a smile. Arabella looked affronted at more than just "men" at the moment. Well, after all, she had been much more excited by the prospect of being Sorted than either Dursley had. At least she seemed disinclined to shun the Slytherins or something equally absurd.
"Sure thing, Arabella. Let's check on the soup, and then I might set you to chopping salad while I get the boys up from their nap. And Sev, thank you for that." He nodded but stayed with Vernon. That was good. Petunia wanted the two of them to get on better. The women bustled out of the room.
Author's note: honestly, I knew I wanted to have Severus bring the Sorting Hat to Privet Drive, but it was really hard to figure out how the Dursleys would actually be Sorted. Vernon was easier through process of elimination: he's clearly not a Gryffindor or Ravenclaw looking at his character in the books. Canonically, he's basically defined by his work, being mean to Harry, and doting on Dudley. In this fiction, I've emphasized his devotion to Petunia and Dudley, which I think translates to an intense loyalty to his wife, particularly given the circumstances of learning about all the magical mayhem etc. And he's diligent at his job without being completely obsessed with furthering his own career at the expense of his family life. So, Hufflepuff. Petunia... there's not a lot to go on in the books. She certainly takes meticulous care of the house which suggested Hufflepuff, but she also foists a lot of responsibility on Harry canonically, and doesn't really display other House traits. Book Petunia is kind of a bitter, Harry-hating non-entity really. I went through a couple different online message boards and Sorting quizzes with varying results and ended up making her a very "balanced" character instead. Let me know in the reviews how you all think this Sorting could/should have gone. I'm interested to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for the reviews, expect another update on Friday.
