"Who can tell me the difference between a poison, a venom, a toxin, and an intoxicant?"

For awhile, the combined seventh year N.E.W.T. class was silent. Dirk Prentiss sank low in his seat in the back. Finally, Augusta sighed and raised her hand. "A toxin is a subset of poison that is produced in vivo by a living organism, whether animal, plant, fungus, or bacterium. Venom is a subset of toxin produced by an animal, or magical plant, that it delivers via bite or sting either to disable and kill its prey or to defend against predators, sir."

"Correct. Three points to Slytherin. And an intoxicant?"

"I... don't know precisely. I don't think it's in the same vein, though. Alcohol is an intoxicant, but we wouldn't consider it a poison."

"Some would," Severus said with a grin. "Anyone else?"

"Muggles call anything that makes you high an intoxicant," Gryffindor muggleborn Valerie Smith said. Severus was momentarily stunned. He did not think she had voluntarily answered a question in his class before.

"Who cares what muggles think?" Vivian said scathingly. "We're at a school for witchcraft and wizardry, if you hadn't noticed, mudblood."

"You should care, Ms. Van Damme, when the muggle thinking is in fact quite close to the mark. One point to Gryffindor, Ms. Smith. An intoxicant is any substance that induces confusion, somnolence, or elation, or that is intended to stupefy the central nervous system, or to change the human auditory, visual, or mental processes. Hence, alcohol is an intoxicant. Many poisons at survivable doses are also intoxicants. What else that we would not normally call poisonous would be considered intoxicants?"

"...Confusing Concoction and Calming Draught?"

"Yes, one point to Slytherin."

"Draught of Peace?"

"Essence of Euphoria, Essence of Insanity."

"Love potions!"

"And all the sleeping potions..."

"Invigoration Draught, Wideye potion."

"Alilhotsy potion? Babbling Beverage?"

Severus waved a hand to stop them. "You've got the idea. Add to your list brews like Felix Felicis and Veritaserum, which both alter judgment and sensorium in addition to their intended effects, and your list of intoxicating potions will soon be complete. What else, besides potions?"

This was a bit more of a stumper. Severus locked eyes with Dirk, who blushed but finally, when Severus refused to look away, mumbled, "Billiwig stings."

"Quite. One point to Slytherin. The intoxicating properties might already be present in your ingredients, not an emergent property of the final brew. These would also be considered toxins, even if they are not lethal. Thus, not every toxin is colloquially 'poisonous.' Ms. Smith, can you think of an intoxicating substance that is not a wizarding potion or a natural toxin?"

"Professor Snape! My dad's a green grocer, not a- a-"

"Not a criminal or policeman, so you would have little reason to know the origins of various illicit substances. Yes, I quite understand, Ms. Smith, but most of your classmates would have even less reason to know. Can you guess?"

"Ah... okay. Well, not heroin because opium comes from poppies. And cocaine comes from some South American plant. Both of those were in Sherlock Holmes! That's where I learned it, honest! Um... Maybe LSD? My dad said the Beatles used that one."

"Comes from the ergot mold."

"Oh. How about, um, meth? The Nazis used that one."

"And we have a winner. Another point to Gryffindor for your suspiciously good memory for historical drug-related trivia." She blushed scarlet and looked down at her desk. He could never predict the Gryffindors' reactions on the rare occasions he gave them any points. "Moving on, why does the distinction between poison and intoxicant matter?"

"Because most of them don't have antidotes, only the ones that are considered poisons. And love potions," Dirk whispered. Severus was amazed. He must have read up on the subject after arguing about it during his detentions, only to find Severus proven right. That was constructive behavior deserving of reward. "Correct. Five points to Slytherin. Thus, today we will be discussing the recognition and management of intoxication. Management, not reversal. Since almost no fully neutralizing reversal agents have been developed for non-lethal intoxicants, their effects must either be allowed to wane with time or temporarily countered with another intoxicant with opposing effects, while one waits for the blood levels of the original intoxicant to wane with time. That is actually the mechanism of the general love potion antidote, if you will recall from last term, which is why it tends to cause transient melancholia that must be monitored for several days. There are a few ways of accelerating the process, but these only work for specific substances. Interestingly, muggle means, as with a machine called a-" he glanced down at his notes "- dialysis can be extremely effective, although these would be difficult for an intoxicated witch or wizard to access, and have not of course been tested on most magical substances." There was one bizarre case report Severus had found of an American witch suffering from insomnia who overdosed on both muggle barbiturates and Draught of the Living Death. Her squib sister had taken her to a muggle hospital and told them about the barbiturates, and the witch had woken up in panic, still connected to multiple muggle machines, long before the magical Draught would have been expected to wear off in the normal course of events.

"First off, recognition..."

It was an enlightening lesson for all concerned. Certain students proved uncannily adept at matching toxidromes to likely intoxicant and suggesting appropriate counters. Others, including Dirk but also two Gryffindors, spent the lesson intermittently flushing and inspecting their finger nails. He made note to mention the Gryffindors to Minerva. Halfway through the discussion regarding muggle intoxicants, one Ravenclaw girl burst out in frustration, "Professor Snape, I don't understand why muggles make and use these things! Or why anyone brews the Essence of Insanity if they risk permanent brain injury! I thought that was an accidental discovery with the recipe written down to avoid..."

"Your question is what is the purpose of intoxication?"

"I... I guess?"

The rest of the class wore varying looks of guilt, disdain, amusement, and grudging interest. He made mental note of all the guilty faces. He hadn't expected quite so many of them. He would have to choose his next words very carefully. "Well, I suppose the proper thing for a teacher to say to impressionable students would be that intoxication serves no purpose. That it is a frivolous waste. A mistake. Immoral." He paused. "I would be lying, of course. I could also say that intoxication is primarily an unfortunate side effect of necessary potions. That is also obviously incorrect. Most people you talk to who have partaken in any kind of intoxicant will first tell you it is for pleasure. Alcohol is a good example, and the most common. Indeed, many if not all of you I am sure have experienced the pleasurable 'buzz' of alcohol amongst friends. Some of you have even experienced alcohol's more severe effects and, happily, lived to tell about it. And yet, I am sure you all must also know that excessive alcohol is the most likely intoxicant to break a family, destroy a marriage, or end a life, whether the drinker's or his victim's.

"So, why would someone drink to excess? It could be a mistake, particularly in someone young and inexperienced in such things, egged on by drunken peers. Group stupidity is probably the most common danger, in fact. But, it could also be that they desire the oblivion that intoxication offers, because of physical or emotional pain, because of problems in their life that seem hopeless to the sober mind. Or it could be, in the case of alcohol and many other substances, that the nervous system has become habituated, addicted, and completely beholden to the intoxicant. Plenty of people start taking Calming Draught or common pain tonics for a genuine need and find themselves addicted after overuse. They add alcohol and sleeping potions to the mix, either because they do not know better or because they are desperate. As we already discussed, use of intoxicants can have long term effects on the function of the nervous system that make it nigh impossible for one to make rational decisions about them. In conclusion, the reasons behind intoxication are many. The number of intoxicating substances available are equally many. Thus, you need to know the risks."

The bell rang. Odd, the class had gone quite quickly with a surprising amount of engagement for a purely lecture-based lesson. They hadn't even gotten to the management of mundane intoxicants. "Homework: pick two potions, two magical toxins, and one muggle drug. Describe their intoxicating effects and the best way to manage them, and list two other potions or substances that should be avoided until the intoxicant has worn off." Most of the correct management answers would just be to wait it out. He made it easy, because he wasn't particularly interested in grading it. "We will not be returning to this topic next lesson since we need to keep on schedule for your N.E.W.T.s, so you may also include up to two questions for me at the bottom of your assignment, and I will either answer them or direct you to the appropriate library resources."

Severus was not wholly surprised when Dirk held back. "Did you need something, Mr. Prentiss?" Severus asked when the rest of the students were gone.

"Not really... just, have you ever... tried these things, Professor?"

"Well, as some of them were quite common and innocuous in usual doses, it's safe to assume most adults have. But if you are asking if I have ever drunk myself into a stupor, Mr. Prentiss, the answer is... yes." He looked Dirk in the eye and allowed some of the pain of Lily's death and later his mother's diagnosis to show on his face. "It didn't help beyond one night. It didn't help because the problems are still there in the morning, compounded by the hangover. But accepting the support of other people who know and understand the situation, even if they have no personal experience with it, that does help." Certainly, Severus would be a shadow of himself if he did not have Petunia to talk to and Minerva keeping an eye on him, even Albus and Aberforth with the Eileen affair.

An odd expression crossed the teenaged wizard's face, a war between his accustomed hatred of Severus and a desire to speak his mind to the only person who knew his secrets. Eventually, he nodded and left without another word.

Just in time, too. Severus needed a few minutes to compose himself before the second round of fourth years descended on him with their juvenile grins, poorly concealed snickering, and impertinent, inappropriate questions about sex and sexual health. He knew he'd be wearing his Death Eater face by the end of the lesson, but he couldn't start it out that way or they'd learn nothing at all.


That evening, exhausted and regretting ever agreeing to become a teacher, Severus wrote to Petunia, How do muggles deal with teaching teenagers about venereal diseases and avoiding teenaged pregnancy? There has got to be a better way. Every year it's the same: most of the fourth years have never even heard of herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, or Ague Sirensia until I have the misfortune of teaching about their treatment! -S

I can't wait to hear about your trials and travails. In answer to your question though, I'm not entirely sure because it's changed. There was no formal sex education when I was in school in Cokeworth, but the government mandated it nationwide a year or two after I graduated. I think Sex and Relationship Education classes start at age eleven now; Rachel mentioned it once when we were trying to decide if that was the best timing after her daughter told her about her first class. I've no idea what the curriculum is. Do you want me to find you some books? -P

Severus rested his forehead on his desk for a moment. Of all the subjects he did not want to read, "Sex and Relationship Education" might be near the top of the list. He sighed and picked up the quill again. Yes, please -S He would just dump them anonymously in Minerva's office and let her figure out what to do with them.

Author's note: Severus isn't really the preachy "just say no" type. He'd rather drown students in cold, hard facts. Incidentally, if you haven't read the excellent Hermione-centric fanfiction New Blood by artemisgirl, check it out. Or at least read chapters 260 and 261 "The Girls' Talk" and "The Boys' Talk," in which Professors McGonagall and Snape give sex ed lectures to the third years. Hermione sneaks into the boys' section just to see Snape's expressions. It's hilarious. I will be switching update days to Sunday after this week. Thanks for the reviews, particularly the complements last chapter, much appreciated.