"..am I?"
Serena pulled herself from her light sleep at the sound of those scratchy words and looked up from her arms to see that Bernie was awake, somewhat alert, and talking. If it were close to Christmas, she would have thought it one of those miracles that happen around that time of year, but instead this was just another ordinary medical miracle. Reaching out, she took hold of Bernie's hand and squeezed lightly, tears blocking any words that she attempted to get out of her throat. Finally, she managed to clear away the lump in her throat and sighed as she looked at her lover. "You're back at Holby. We, we went and found you, rescued you and your compatriots, and then brought you home to recover."
Bernie nodded weakly as she tried to sit up, which caused Serena to jump to her feet and help her to sit up. Though she tried not to let her hands linger on places that were no longer hers to lay claim to, Serena still felt like she was doing something almost forbidden as she swept her hands across Bernie's back and shoulders. "Where did the others go?"
"Home to their families, I'm assuming. We left the country in such a rush that I didn't have time to get names and contact details. Perhaps you can write to them when you're feeling a little better?"
Another small nod, and then Bernie was allowing her eyes to slide closed once more. "I didn't think that I'd be this tired, but after everything that I've been through lately, I shouldn't be surprised."
Serena let out a watery chuckle as she nodded. "That, and the fact that you have had major surgery, and we both know that that tires patients out to no end. Would you like to go back to sleep?"
"Yes, but I don't want to lose any more time with you." There was a softness to the words that Bernie spoke, as if she wasn't certain that there was anything between them any longer. Serena felt her heart fall a little in her chest, and she reached out to take hold of Bernie's hand, threading their fingers together as she allowed herself to start crying a little. "Serena?"
"I'll still be here when you wake up again. Remember, I can pull rank and ignore visiting hours to see you whenever I want." Bernie's eyes closed by the end of Serena's words, but an impish smile spread across her lips with them. "The only reason I wasn't in the operating theatre with you was that Henrik wouldn't let me in. You're not supposed to work on your loved ones. But I wanted to be there, since I was the one who found you, who brought you home to your children."
"And to you?"
The gruff words took her breath away, and Serena nodded, even though she knew that the other woman couldn't see the gesture. "I suppose that was a bit selfish of me, given everything that happened between us, but when I knew that you were still with us, I also knew that there was no other place for you, but in Holby. Forgive my selfishness?"
Bernie squeezed Serena's hand tightly a few times before she gave a small nod. "And you'll be here when I wake up?"
"Either me or Charlie," she whispered as she brought their entwined hands to her lips and gave them a small kiss. The smile on Bernie's face was small, but gentle, and Serena felt her heart lurch once more as she lowered their hands, listening to the sounds of Bernie's breaths until she was certain that the woman was asleep. Reluctantly, Serene let go of Bernie's hand and then placed it on her chest as she rose to her feet, stretching and cracking her back. It felt like she had been in a hunched position for ages as she had waited for Bernie to wake.
Her bladder spasmed a little, and she clenched her muscles a little, knowing that she had to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible, since she couldn't remember the last time she had used the facilities. Scurrying out of the room and over to the bathrooms, Serena quickly found an open cubicle and took care of her needs before washing her hands and then heading back out onto the ward. It seemed odd to see so much activity buzzing around her when all she wanted to do was take everything slowly and readjust to a life where Bernie was alive and part of it. Taking a deep breath, Serena turned to head back to Bernie's room when a cool hand wrapped around her upper arm.
Turning slowly, she looked into Donna's face, seeing that the other woman was wearing a concerned smile as she gazed at Serena. "Can I help you?"
"Have you taken time to sleep or eat since Bernie came out of surgery?"
She took a deep breath, which seemed to tell Donna everything she needed to know, as the other woman began to lead her over to the nurse's station and then rummaged through a few drawers until she was triumphantly holding up a few granola bars. "Donna…"
"No, if you want to take care of her, you need to take care of yourself, too. Take those into the on call room, eat one, and then sleep for a few hours. If Bernie wakes up before you do, I'll come and get you. I promise."
Somehow, she knew that Donna wasn't going to take no for an answer, so Serena gave a small nod as she turned in the other direction and made her way to the on call room. Thankfully, it was currently unoccupied, and she locked the door behind her before collapsing on the bed and then stretching out on the mattress. A part of her knew that she should eat one of the bars before falling asleep, but now that she was prone, the heavy pull of sleep was too much for her to ignore, and she allowed her eyes to close heavily and sleep.
The next thing she knew, someone was shaking her shoulder, and Serena swam up to consciousness, blinking slowly as she tried to focus on the face leaning over her. "I thought I locked the door," she said crossly as she rubbed her hands against her eyes and glared up at Donna.
"You did, but we have the keys in case there's an emergency. Bernie's been awake for the last twenty minutes, and she's asking for you now."
"And why didn't you get me the moment she woke up?" she groused as she stood, smoothing out the wrinkles in her blouse as she took a deep breath.
Donna tilted her head to one side as her smile widened a bit. "Because there are some things that she doesn't want you to see, even though you've been intimate together. This gave her a buffer to get those needs taken care of, and you to get a little extra rest. Now go, she's ready to see you."
Serena rolled her eyes a little as she straightened her shoulders and swanned out onto the floor. She didn't want to appear too eager to be by Bernie's side, as that wasn't seemly, but there was still a bit of haste in her steps as she made her way back to Bernie. When she peeked her head in the door, Bernie was sitting up, nibbling at some jelly. It was a wonderful sight to behold, and she felt her entire body relax as she slipped into the room, closing the door behind her. "I asked that Donna get me the moment you woke up, but it seems like she couldn't listen."
Bernie laughed a little as she shook her head. Though the sounds was a little more muted than usual, it was still so good to hear, as Serena had honestly thought she'd never have the opportunity to do so ever again. "I had to have my dressings changed, and use the bathroom. We may be close, but you shouldn't have to wipe my arse just yet."
Serena let out her own soft laugh as she went over to Bernie's bedside and took a seat in her chair. "I suppose that you have a point there. Now that you're more awake and aware, I was thinking that we could talk. I do know that your recovery is going to be long, and that you're going to want to be away from people while you get better. Charlotte mentioned that you own a cottage nearby, and that you might like staying there until you're ready to integrate back into life. Whether that's here, or back with MSF, well, that's your choice, isn't it?"
She hadn't expected to get choked up by the end of her pretty little speech, but tears still prickled her eyes, and Bernie reached out for her hand, holding it gently as she gave a little shrug. "It is my choice, yes, but I don't want to think too far into the future just yet. Almost dying will change perspective, after all." Serena nodded. "Now, as for my recovery, just who is going to take care of me?"
She swallowed hard before licking her lips, feeling pinned to the spot by Bernie's piercing gaze. The longer they held eyes, the more vulnerable she felt, and Serena allowed the tears trembling on the edges of her eyes to fall as she tried to draw in a breath in order to speak. "Charlotte thought that we could take care of you together. If you wouldn't mind me there. I know that I have so much to atone for, but perhaps this can be the catalyst to bring us back together?"
It took Bernie a long time to reply, and Serena felt her heart crack a little as she tried to brace herself for certain rejection by her former partner. "I'm glad that's what the plan is. I know I'll be in good hands if I have you by my side. Maybe I can even bond with my daughter while I get better. Wouldn't that be a small miracle?"
"Yeah," she whispered, unable to stop herself from thinking about the fact that she'd never have the opportunity to do so with Elinor. "So, it's settled then? As soon as you're released, Charlie and I will take you to the cottage, and we'll make you well?" Bernie nodded and Serena felt a little of the guilt she'd been carrying around for so long lift from her heart as the feeling of rightness clicked into place, letting her know that this had indeed been the right path forward.
