2004
Four year old Shinji Ikari sat alone on the train platform. He was waiting for someone to pick him up. A stranger, rather than anyone he knew. He stared off into the sky, recounting the last hour in his head.
"Father, don't leave me! Please, don't go! I'll be good! Just don't leave me! FATHER!"
Shinji was confused and scared by what transpired. Not a day before, his mother brought him to some sort of experiment, promising something to him. She disappeared in a bright light before his eyes. He was utterly distraught. He cried out for her, begging for her to come back but she never did. There were whispers of murder, his father being called into question. Shinji didn't believe this. His father would never hurt mother. Why would he? He loved her and him didn't he?
He though this was true. However, his father left him alone. No matter how much he called out to him, his father didn't turn back. Shinji had no idea why he did so. Didn't his father love him? Why was he alone?
His father was a shadow in his memory, his back turned and nothing said. Shinji couldn't and wouldn't see his father anymore. He was simply gone.
"Ikari's son, correct?"
Shinji turned to an unfamiliar older man. He had gray hairs, like the professor at Mother's lab, and a thick mustache. Shinji couldn't see the man's eyes, hidden by the sun's glare. Not knowing what to say, he nodded.
"Your father transferred legal guardianship of you to me. As such, I will be taking care of you from now on…"
Anything else said was a haze in Shinji's memory. When looking back on this time, Shinji would not find it in himself to recall the older man's name, or how they left the bustling train station for an old, boarded house in the middle of the woods. As far as Shinji was concerned, reality unravelled like the ocean waves, memories coming in ripples and tides more than carved stained glass on church walls.
He remembered being taught how to clean, how to cook recipes. He remembered receiving his father's SDAT player, ready to throw it at the wall before deciding to hold onto it for a sense of comfort. He remembered nights where he cried himself to sleep, hating himself for forgetting his mother's name and her voice. He remembered wanting nothing more than to disappear like she did, just to see her one more time.
Shinji thought he would never see her again. Fortunately, the memory that would shape his life the most came when his teacher brought him a package.
"It came from a Miss Iscariot. She said it was all she could salvage, as your father destroyed the rest of the mementos."
He went to his room immediately and tore the box to pieces. A bright, happy smile- the first one in months in fact- formed on his face as he saw a picture of his mother holding him in her arms. Her beautiful smile, her brown hair and eyes, the lab coat, and himself as a baby. Shinji had never felt so blessed to receive a gift.
He had also never felt so enraged. Why would his father want to destroy the memory of his mother? Perhaps the whispers he heard around him told the truth and his father really had killed her after all! For a small child, it was the only thing that made sense.
Shinji would thank his teacher for the present, and went to sleep that night with a content sigh. With a clear picture of her in mind, more memories came flooding back to him like a stream. In particular, there was one spot that shined the brightest.
Cut like an old film reel, Shinji dreamed of a day where he was a baby like in the photograph. He sucked on his mother's teet, paying no mind to anything except the loving loving words she whispered into his ear.
"Hahahaha… you're so greedy, aren't you Shinji? Well, you can't be blamed. You're so small and in need a lot of love. Just remember. Anywhere can be heaven as long as you have the will to live."
Shinji slept, no longer dreaming of his father leaving him behind. He would be supplanted by his mother, her warmth making him long for her touch.
2007
Nineteen year old Misato Katsuragi was about to give up her virginity.
People would laugh if she said so, but it was true. She projected the image of a free-spirit, but that was due to making up for lost time. She spent her teenage years frozen in a catatonic state. Now, she was so close to graduation, yet Misato was still terrified of sex, of having to give up a part of herself to another person. Even if that person was with her boyfriend.
"You've got nothing to worry about you know." He said with that shit-eating grin she loved and hated. His hand crawled up to her chin. "This is what we've been waiting for, after all."
He kissed her then, a dirty thing. Misato let his hands trail up her waist and breasts as she held his head in place. He was so good to her. She had to be good for him. She loved him, she thought. She wanted him to love her.
Her roommate Ritsuko introduced Ryoji Kaji to her. Two years have passed since then. Kaji was annoying, so eager to tease her, to fluster her, eyeing up other women, never missing an opportunity to piss her off with a comment. Misato wondered if Ritsuko brought them together out of spite, because of she made that observation about Ritsuko's cagey attitude towards men.
Misato put up with Kaji because she loved him. Maybe. She fell to the bed, feeling his groin rubbing against her own. She realized Kaji could see all of her, and went to cover the curse on her abdomen. He just laughed.
"It's nothing I haven't seen before, you know." He said. "I never minded the scar. It just adds to your alluring appeal."
He moved her hands away from the scar, and gently kissed it. Misato trembled under his lips.
"Stop it!" She told him now, as she did other times before. "Don't pay attention to it. Don't even look at it. Do… anything else…"
He ignored her, rubbing his finger the scar. She hated the way it made her shiver, but he silenced her protest with a kiss. She could feel his lips forming smirk against her own.
"I know exactly what I'm doing." Kaji whispered. He readied his cock into her entrance. "Just sit back and relax. I'll keep it gentle."
With that, he thrusted inside of her. Misato screamed. She couldn't help it, she finally allowed herself to cross the line. Blood stained the bed.
Kaji kept true to his word. He didn't overplay his hand, or violently take her. He whispered soft apologies into her ear and gave her smooth caresses to ease her pain. Misato convulsed around him. She hotly gasped and breathed, her legs wrapped around his waist and her cheeks flushing in response. Her eyes stared off into the ceiling, away from Kaji. He continued to speak.
"This is good isn't it? We were made for each other, I just knew it. Having you like this is a dream come true."
After an agonizingly long session, he thrusted into her. Misato's body twisted and turned. Minutes later, Kaji fell on top of her after a climax.
He took minutes to regain his bearings, before realizing Misato hadn't said anything. Kaji turned his head, noticing a broken, far away look in his lover's eyes. Immediately, he worried.
"Misa-chan? Is there something wrong?"
Her eyes turned to him. Her face twisted in indignation.
"Get out."
"Huh? Misa-chan?"
She slapped him across the face. A confused Kaji tried to grab on to Misato's hands, only for her nails to claw at him, drawing blood.
"OUT! NOW!" Her shout ringing in his ears. "I HATE YOU! LEAVE!"
Utterly baffled, the man began to make his way out of the room as she kept screaming. He grabbed his clothes from the floor.
"Can I at least take the time to get dressed or-"
He narrowly avoided the lamp thrown at him, watching it smash against the wall. Kaji took the hint, and ran, opening and slamming the door shut behind him.
Once he left, Misato brought her hands to her face, and allowed herself to cry. She didn't blame him for being confused. She never explained her past to him. She never told him how terrified she was of surrendering her body to anyone. How she hated herself and her body.
She thought she overcame her weakness, but it wasn't to be. Immediately after the passion was gone, she found herself despising Kaji's touch. Or rather, his touch.
Everything about Kaji, from his smirk, to his nonchalant attitude, to the way he taunted his control over her; she had seen them before.
She hated them. She hated his touch. They reminded her of someone, way too much like-
Like-
"Even now you're taunting me, Dad…" Misato said between sobs. "I hate you. I hate you, hate you, HATE YOU!"
It had been years since Second Impact. He sacrificed himself so she could live. She hated the very thought of owing that man anything. She wanted his presence banished from her life.
But even now, she still longed for his love. Why else would she have dated Kaji? He was just another man like her father, like the other men she dated. He was too much like him, with the way he took control and made her feel like a child.
She wanted someone hold her and look at her. Someone to say the words I love you to her. Someone she could cherish without feeling ashamed of herself.
She wanted, more than anything, to finally grow up and step out of his shadow.
Sitting alone, having thrown the only man she had ever allowed herself to get close to, Misato Katsuragi found out that she can't and it drove her to insanity.
Author's Notes:
Inspired by an old fic called Oedipus & Electra by SMYGO4EVA. You might guess where the story is going if you read that story.
Misato and Shinji were never interested in each other, romantically or sexually. The scene in Episode 23 where Misato offered herself, it was more out of pity and to provide comfort than a real attraction, and Shinji rejected that out of hand. The End of Evangelion kiss was an attempt by Misato to push Shinji into piloting, and immediately after it was clear Kaji was on her mind. Shinji was way more into Asuka, the hospital scene providing ample evidence of that.
The MisaShin pairing never existed in the anime, even less in the Rebuild movies where there's more emphasis on Misato as a mother figure to Shinji. I don't think I need to explain to you that relationships between adults and children are inherently disturbed and shouldn't be encouraged in real life.
With all that in mind, what kind of screwed up circumstances would it take to get them into a (reciprocal) relationship?
The fic you're reading is an alternate continuity made to explore this idea. As evidenced by the prologue, characters and events will be changed to reflect the goals of the narrative. I have the ending planned, but I don't have everything else settled yet. I hope you enjoy this.
