Please trust me as your guide :) The trek is worth the glorious view at the end.


July 11

5 Months, 1 Week, 3 Days

LORELAI POV

"Common!" I laugh looking over the top of the silver Volvo. "Tell me where we're going!"

"You really suck at surprises," Christopher teases back before slipping into the driver's seat. When I drop next to him, he glances over at me with a grin while turning the key in the ignition. The radio comes to life, blaring the opening riff of Highway to Hell and I'm instantly thrown back into my childhood. Yes! He lowers the sound. "I think Gigi is more patient than you. This is the last time I plan any surprises for you. Here's an idea, just enjoy the ride. Haven't you heard? Getting there is half the fun."

"Okay Confucius," I joke, leaning back into the chair. "You know, sometimes it feels like you really know me, and other times, it's like you don't know me at all."

He pulls out of the driveway.

"Yeah?" He takes a hold of my hand and kisses the back of it softly. I smile over at him and relax into my seat as he lowers our intertwined hands to the center console. "Now that we live together, we're going to learn a whole lot more."

I force myself to smile back at him, guilt wracking over me. I shouldn't feel guilty about living with Chris, he's my boyfriend, but the look of pain on Luke's face when Christopher showed up at the hospital is permanently burned into the back of my eyelids. I may have pretended I didn't notice it, but I notice everything about Luke. I always have. And I'll remember that look until the day I die. Despite our momentous fight, I can tell my words that night reached Luke and he had wanted to take me home with him and make sure that me and the babies are okay.

Too bad he never officially moved in when we were together.

Too bad he never realized how good we were together.

Too bad he pushed me out of his life.

Too bad he moves too damn slow.

Too bad, Luke, too damn bad!

When Chris drives us down the center of town, I lower my eyes to my lap and pretend to be busy with my cell phone. The last thing I need is to see the disapproving looks of every citizen of this town.

After I got back from the hospital, and right before Christopher moved in, I gave Sookie the go ahead to tell Miss Patty about my pregnancy scare and how Chris would be moving in with me.

Geez. Stupid soap opera life I live.

Sookie shared with me that word spread like wildfire around town - not that I would know. Even though I'm still physically in Stars Hollow, it's as if I'm not a part of it any more. I suppose avoiding it like the black plague and not going to the diner or town meetings or any town event at all doesn't help. I'm not even walking around town.

I miss Stars Hollow.

But at the same time, I know it's just a matter of time until I get bombarded with questions. So, for the foreseeable future, I don't see anything changing all that much. I'll just have to get my fix at the inn whenever anyone from town comes in. Which isn't many. It's mostly just Sookie and Michel and Jackson when he comes in for deliveries and occasionally Kirk when he's filling in for some random job.

But alas, the surprise drive doesn't take long, fifteen minutes maybe, and we land just outside Stars Hollow's city limits. When we're just a few minutes away, Christopher instructs me to close my eyes, to which I argue with him momentarily, just for kicks, before giving in.

By the time he guides me out of the car, wraps an arm around my shoulders and instructs me to open my eyes, I'm rambling a thousand words a minute. I clutch my hands together under my chin, excitement rushing from every pore of my body as I take in the clean crisp smell of Chris next to me. Everything has been too small (minus the pregnancy) in my life lately, and a surprise sounds just like the kind of distraction I need.

Unfortunately, the first surprise I'm greeted with is my mom standing ten feet away at her car. I force a confused, unhappy smile in her direction. She seems to think that I've forgotten her little suggestion and our screamfest when I told her I was pregnant. In her mind, we've miraculously made up at the hospital.

We haven't.

"So, what do you think?" Christopher asks proudly, squeezing me into his side tightly.

Finally, I think to look over my mother's shoulder only for my breath to hitch in my throat. My entire peripheral vision narrows and I breathe in deeply, doing my best to keep myself from falling into another panic attack as my smile melts off my face.

"Cool, right?!" he asks, jostling my shoulders, looking down at me with a huge grin.

I fake a closed-lipped smile and drop my hands to my side.

I think I'm going to be sick.

"Christopher, Lorelai, good morning!" Mom claps her hands together once before clutching them together and walking to the two of us, the gravel crunching beneath her feet. "It's just beautiful, isn't it?" she asks wistfully, pivoting on her short heels to turn and take in the view of a beautiful blue two story Victorian home. "I just knew you admired this house when you saw pictures of it in the realtor's office all those months ago, Lorelai, so I thought to inform Christopher about this property so the two of you can look at it together."

"For what?" I snap, instantly defensive. "Another inn?" I ask sarcastically. "Or better yet, a mental asylum? Should I check you in first?"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Christopher laughs nervously, pulling me tighter into his side. I want nothing more than to shove him off me. "What's wrong? Why are you being so hostile?"

I pull out of Christopher's arms as Mom scowls at my jab and gives me a confused look. "You said you thought this was a beautiful house, Lorelai."

I glance back at the house. She's right, I had thought it was beautiful, because it is beautiful. It stands stately on its own property with beautifully old architecture and a warm homey feeling.

"Chris, what the hell are we doing here?"

"Well, I don't know," He gives me a crooked confused smile. "I just thought if we're going to live together, it'd be good for us to start looking for a house." He shrugs nonchalantly. "Your house isn't big enough for Gigi and the twins and the two of us. Plus, here, Gigi and Rory could both have their own rooms."

Wait, what? We've been casually dating only for a few months and only living with each other for a few days.

Suddenly feeling shanghaied, I begin walking down the gravel driveway back toward the street, away from the house. It's a gorgeous summer day with deep blue skies dotted with thick, summery cotton ball clouds. Birds flit here and there chirping cheerfully from one lush green tree to another.

Spending it this way just seems so incredibly wrong.

Unfortunately, Mom follows after me, grabbing onto my arm, and pulling me to a stop. "Lorelai, you know your house isn't large enough for your family anymore."

I shake my head at her words, dropping my head to look at the ground. I feel sick, and I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty it has nothing to do with the babies.

"As it is, there's not enough room in that house for you, Christopher, Rory, Gigi and the twins."

Once again, I turn and walk away from her. "Chris said all he needs is a TV and a stereo, my house is fine for now."

"He just said-"

"I don't care what he just said! My house is fine!"

"Oh please, the only way you're making it through right now is because Gigi is gone visiting her mother in Paris. What will happen when she comes home and you have the babies?" When I don't stop to face her, she grabs onto my arm again forcefully and swings me around to face her. "Stop being so stubborn! I can not begin to comprehend why you are so upset!"

"Well what's new?" I snap. I run my free hand through my hair angrily, tuck it back behind my ear and glance back at the house, my heart aching at the sight the same exact way it did the first time I saw it. "Why would you think it'd be okay to suggest this?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You were going to buy this house for me and Luke," my voice cracks. "Not me and Christopher!"

"You're too emotional! Your hormones must be getting to you. Lorelai, you are no longer with Luke."

"Gee, thanks for the update," I snap sarcastically, crossing my arms over my chest. "This was going to be our house and now you want me to move into it with Christopher?!"

"Lorelai, you aren't married to Luke, nor have you ever lived in this house with Luke. If your house is too small for your growing family and Christopher has the resources to buy this house, that you very clearly told me you thought was beautiful, tell me why you can't move into it with him?"

"You're forcing my entire relationship with him," I accuse her, my eyes wide. With a shake of her head, as if I'm being so petulant four-year-old, she smooths down her yellow suit blouse. "You pushed him to move in with me and now you're pushing us into buying a house together. Before I know it, you'll be forcing a ring onto my finger!"

"Oh please," she waves her hand in the air. "I'm not forcing anything. I'm simply putting the two of you in front of this house so you can look at it together."

"What do you mean you're 'putting us in front of this house'?" I mock sarcastically, jerking my head back and narrowing my eyes. "Who the hell talks like that?"

"Well, dear, sometimes, the best thing to do is say nothing at all. Sometimes, one simply provides an opportunity to remind someone what their options are and that's precisely what I'm doing."

I squint my eyes against her and the sun. "What?"

"As you are well aware, not everyone, especially you, wants to be told what they should do. It's hard to see the forest through the trees, if you will," Mom pauses, pivots at the hips, and leans toward me. "As parents, it is sometimes our responsibility to provide opportunities for our children to see what path they should go down by simply placing options in front of them without saying a word."

None of this makes sense to me.

"You say nothing?"

"Nothing at all. And often, if you're really good," Mom smiles like the cat who caught the canary. "The recipient isn't even aware of what's going on. That's when it's best. When the person comes to the correct conclusion themselves simply because you've placed their options in front of them. They don't need to be aware that you put the idea in their head."

"So you schedule house visits? Put people in front of houses to silently encourage them to want what you want?"

"Of sorts, yes. Other times, you make things seem like a coincidence, only for it to be intentional."

"That's sick. That's Mussolini, Hitler, Pol Pot sick!"

"You're exaggerating," she sighs. "Like usual."

"Oh! Let's just act the victims of those three if they were exaggerating! Oh wait! We can't!" I shoot back. "Besides 'putting people in front of houses' what other things do you make seem like coincidences?"

Mom hem and haws for a brief second before smiling at me. "Like inviting Christopher to dinner that night with Linny."

"What?"

She bounces her eyebrows once with a smug smile. "I knew you'd get jealous if I set Christopher up with someone else. My intention wasn't to match him with Linny."

My lips part at her words. She can't mean, she couldn't. She wouldn't . . . would she?

"I was engaged why would you-"

"And then a few hours later that night you weren't."

She's smug. Proud.

I stare at my mom in shock.

No.

No way.

"Listen to me, Lorelai," she takes a hold of my arm for the umpteenth time, pulling me beside her. "Luke was never the right man for you. You're beautiful and smart and successful and he's just a diner owner in a small town who apparently doesn't own a razor," she says breezily. "Your father and I had given in to the idea of the two of you, you know that. The fact that we were going to buy this house," she motions to it. "As a wedding present proves that, but based on your reaction when I talked about Christopher when you were driving me to get my prescriptions and the way you cried that night looking at the house in that realtor's office, I knew I had to put all your options out before you before it was too late."

My lips part at her word, my breath becoming hollow, a panic attack crouched, ready to pounce. "Y-you didn't…"

"Oh I most certainly did dear," she says proudly, an elbow locking with my own. "I knew if I invited Chris to Friday night dinner after witnessing your little breakdown over Luke, you would have a reaction to him. You always have. You can thank me for the lovely life you're about to enjoy." Her elbow squeezes mine. "I'm so proud of you."

I feel blindsided by her implication. Betrayed on a level that's lower than low for even her.

She interfered.

After my first break up with Luke, she promised she'd never interfere again.

But she did.

None of what happened that night would have happened if I hadn't seen Christopher at my parents'. Had I not crawled into the back of Linny's car, I wouldn't have bombarded Luke and pushed him that desperately. Did I need a therapist? Absolutely. Do I still? That's without question. But the truth of the matter is that I wouldn't have slept with Christopher that night. I wouldn't have even thought of him had I not just spent time with him. Yes, I saw him at Rory's event, but it was the dinner that put him in my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I was already exploding, becoming a big toxic mess, avoiding Luke and keeping my mouth shut when I should have been talking, but I wouldn't have slept with the one man Luke was insecure about and nailed the coffin to not only our engagement, but also our friendship, closed that night if I had simply had dinner with my parents.

Memories of Luke being ready the next day with the truck packed up, ready to elope and going on and on about how life meant nothing to him without me there with him replays in my mind. The pleading. The sincerity. He practically begged me. It was a big, huge, monumental vulnerable moment for him, and I broke his heart. Yes, it would have been wrong for us to go and elope at that point, but had I just gone home instead of going to Chris, Luke and I could have talked. Had I just waited, we could have potentially built a bridge back to each other and been okay.

But I knew Luke would come around. I knew he'd care eventually. I knew I loved him too much to end things with him by simply talking, and I knew he loved me too much to allow me to end us.

That's why I went to Chris.

Chris was the only way to get Luke to let go of me.

But I never would have hurt him as badly as I did if I hadn't been with Christopher that night, if he hadn't stroked my arm like he did in the bathroom. As wrong as it may have been, it had felt really good to be wanted.

But no, my mom got involved the moment she saw my weakness. She handed me the grenade knowing full well I'd willingly play GI Jane and foolishly pull the pin and blow up my relationship with Luke myself.

And blow it up, I did.

Luke's implication that I cheated had sliced through me, wounding me on a deep level. He'll never forgive me, I know this. I'll never, ever, be able to get back to him.

I've lost the one person in the entire world I felt safe with.

Not that I want to get back with him. Actually, I'm still really angry with him.

But wait. That's not true. That's what I had believed until the night Luke showed up at my house, before he told me he still loves me and that he could forgive me and hopes that one day I can forgive him.

I squeeze my eyes closed and focus my breathing as reality comes crashing down on me. How could I have done that to Luke? To us? What the hell was I thinking? How long can I pretend that what I'm currently doing with Christopher is sane and can Luke truly still love me and forgive me the way he claims? Can I forgive him?

"Hey, what's going on?"

I open my eyes to find Christopher strolling up to us, his hands tucked contently in his work trousers, not a care in the world. I blink back tears.

"You know Lorelai," Mom says with a light, condescending laugh. "She doesn't deal with change well and pregnancy hormones don't help either."

"Ah, the pregnancy tears," Chris laughs with a nod, taking my free hand in his own, mistaking my tears for frustration with my mother. "Come on, Lor, just come see it."

And so, blinded and numbed by shock, I allow him to guide me into the house. We walk through it together, my hand in his, as Chris talks about where he'd hang his flat screen TVs and where the stereo would go, but I see none of it. I'm partly consumed by my mother's admission in the driveway, but the larger part of me is wholly and completely consumed with the looming wave that is cresting miles off shore, ready to crash and break over me.

It hasn't been panic attacks assailing me.

No.

It's been small waves of heartbreak. And it's now coming more frequently and each wave is growing larger and larger and gaining momentum as I come to grips with what I've done.

How could my mom do what she did after how far we've come?

How did I not see what was happening?

How is it that I'm not imagining Christopher or myself here? Why is it, despite how upset I am with Luke, I'm daydreaming about him here making pancakes for our little boy and girl, or at the fishing hole with them, or the two of us in the spacious bedroom, loving each other?

Truth be told, even if Luke and I had actually gotten married, I can't see us living here. The house is beautiful, yes, but it's too large and too far away from Stars Hollow. Too Daddy Warbucks. Plus Mom was right, Luke would have never accepted a present this grand. We never would have been able to convince him. I'm not even sure if my pride would allow me to take such a grand gift from my mother.

But most of all, I can't see Christopher here. It's too old, historic and not modern or edgy enough for him. He's already talking about ways to 'update' it, which frankly, would be a shame. The house is perfect the way it is.

"It's huge! A huge house," Chris goes on and on as we pull into my driveway a few hours later. "There'd be enough room for Gigi and Rory to have their own rooms, plus enough room for the twins and another kid or two."

"Yeah, think about all that cleaning," I mutter dryly unbuckling my seat belt, not even phased by his suggestion of more kids. I'm so numb by all of today's curve-balls hurled at my head all day, nothing could surprise me. "Unless it comes with a clan of moody little cleaning dwarfs and singing birds, I'm not interested."

He chuckles as we make our way up the porch steps and takes a hold of my hand to give it a warm squeeze. "We'll make sure to hire a full time nanny maid combo. Or hell, I'll hire a maid too, then you'll never have to clean. Then we'll have a nanny and a maid!"

"You forgot to throw in a cook."

"That's not a bad idea."

I had meant it sarcastically. He took it seriously. Maybe I was right when we left. Maybe he doesn't really know me.

I freeze on the stairs and look up into his clean shaven face when he turns toward me. "Chris, we're not hiring a nanny."

"Well, duh, I already have one. You like Sarah don't you? Besides her obsession with Desperate Housewives and The View, she's been great. Flying to Paris with Gigi? Talk about a keeper. Come fall she'll have three kiddos to take care of instead of one, which will work out perfectly since Gigi will be in school."

"Uh, yeah, sure, she's great. But no," I shake my head. "I won't have someone else raising my kids."

"What? What are you talking about? Kids are great and all, but there are certain things we can go without. Dirty diapers, flying food during meals, runny noses, getting them to school on time. Temper tantrums," he lists. "Those are all things you pay your nanny to deal with and hardly qualify as raising kids. Remember Gigi's tantrums? It wasn't me that conquered them, it was Sarah. She just taught me what she does to deal with Gigi. I didn't have to do a thing other than follow her plan."

I stare at him as if he's grown two heads and somewhere else within me, my thoughts go to the babies growing within me. I haven't actually thought too much about them becoming little humans that I'm going to be raising (that would make this entire situation real) with little personalities and likes and dislikes, but the image is starting to come in crystal clear.

Adorable, little dark haired kids with blue eyes. A little boy with a backwards baseball cap and a little girl with long curly hair and a summer dress. Fast talking witty kids with a heart like their father's and an appetite like my own.

My heart lurches. That's exactly what I want. For the first time, I lower my hand to my stomach and rub my thumb over the small bump tenderly, imagining my future with two little ones running around. Chris doesn't miss the gesture and though he tries to hide it - I see the slight weariness my action causes him.

"Oh common! You loved your nanny when you were a little girl!" Chris goes on. "Plus we have enough money to keep the one I have. Hell, we can hire two more if we need more help. One for each kiddo."

"Listen Chris, I have more childhood memories with my nanny than with my mother. I'm not complaining about that, I knew from a very young age how good it was for me, but I'm not going to have that kind of relationship with my own kids. I want to take care of them. I want to change their diapers and feed them and take care of them when they're sick and take them to school."

His brows furrow together in confusion. "But, Lor, I have enough money to hire another nanny and if you do all that, plus work, there won't be any time for the two of us. You had to do everything for Rory, let me make that up to you now. We can hire Sarah full time. There's enough room in the house we just looked at that she could have her own room and bathroom. We'll all know her well enough that she'll become family and we'll be comfortable enough to leave the kids with her and travel the world. We'll go to Paris or Australia. Hey! I'll even take you to that Ice Hotel you were going on and on about and we'll sleep on an ice bed and eat deer jerky and drink ice cold vodka. Wherever you want," His eyebrows raise and he shrugs a shoulder when he realizes his words aren't getting to me. "I have enough money that you could quit work if you wanted and be a stay at home mom. You can be with the kids during the day," He pulls me up the last step, wrapping an arm around my lower back, pulling me against him. His lips go to my neck and he nuzzles his nose into my hair for a few seconds before trailing kisses up to my ear and whispering, "And give me all your attention at night. How perfect would that be? We'd be a happy little family."

I wince, loathing every picture this man is painting for me.

"What?" he asks, pulling away from my neck to look at my face when I don't respond.

"What about Luke?"

He groans, irritated. "What about him?"

"These are his kids-"

"I'll adopt them."

My jaw falls open.

"He won't care," Chris rolls his eyes and continues dryly, "He wasn't there for his other kid. He probably won't be here for these two."

"He wasn't there for April because he didn't know about her!"

"And obviously the mom had good reason to keep the news of his daughter from him," He shakes his head. "The man has anger issues. I wouldn't just be doing you a favor, I'd be doing the kids a favor! I'd be keeping your kids safe."

"He does not have an anger issue and my kids don't need to protected from their father! He'd never hurt them."

"He knocked on my door and when I opened it, he punched me right in the face, Lor! I thought he broke my nose! Is that really the man you want raising your kids?"

"Yeah, well, you. . .we . . ." I pull out of his arms, not only confused, but deeply offended by it all. "Christopher! I'm telling you, he will not let you adopt his kids."

Hell, I won't let him adopt Luke's kids.

"Remember when we met for Thanksgiving and I offered you anything you wanted?" He asks, irritated, no doubt not missing why I started stuttering. I nod, cross my arms over my chest, and stare at him, confused by where he's going with this. "When I told you I can buy people, I wasn't joking. The man is a diner owner, Lor, all I have to do is offer him enough money and he'll let me adopt his kids. You can buy anything and anyone. Especially from people who have absolutely nothing."

And just like that, it all becomes so clear to me.

This won't work.

Not only will Luke not let him adopt his kids, Chris no longer knows me, and I no longer know him.

There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, I consider it to be noble, but I want to go into the inn to work and I don't want it to be about the kids only during the day and all about Chris at night. I want my life to be connected as one, where every part intermingles, working together in perfect, or imperfect, harmony at all hours.

And besides all that, there's a thread tying Christopher to a life that I was never overly fond of or impressed by. Despite all his talk about disliking our parents' lifestyle while we were growing up, now Christopher seems more than content to fall into the same centuries old patriarchy as our parents by insisting we add on nannies and a maid and a cook to our lives.

And then, there's the hidden truth that Luke was right. Christopher never really showed up for Rory, he only wanted me. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad if it were just the two of us, but that isn't the case. Even though she's our daughter, the only Rory talk has been about her having a room if we were to move. That's it, friends, that is it. For days. And it was merely a selling point thrown onto the end of a thought.

Every moment these babies are becoming more and more important to me, and the truth is, once they're born, there's not going to be enough of me to spread between my kids and Chris. I can tell he's already not going to take well to sharing me. I'm not going to leave my kids with Maria to travel the world with Captain Von Trapp.

I hated the fact that he so willingly sent his young daughter off to reconnect with her long absent mother not only across a whole body of water, but an entire continent. Who does that?! If I wasn't pregnant and trying to deal with all of this, I would have tried to talk him out of it and tried to convince him to take Gigi himself. Shoot, I would have even gone with him. But right now, I don't have any extra time for anything.

And then there's that nagging question in the back of my head: what took him so long to get to the hospital? And when he showed up, he had just a moment of concern before breaking back into his cool self. He was there only for an hour, and then he left, claiming he had to go into work.

Luke looked terrified by the sight of me there, and his concern wasn't just for me. His eyes were on Rory too and I know for a fact the two had a moment. Seconds after Luke snuck out of the hospital room, my daughter excused herself. She left a mess, and when she came back, coffee in hand, she was calm and comforted. Luke directly behind her. The thought brings the wave closer to shore, my heart clenching.

"I still love you. I always have. I always will. I can forgive you, and I hope one day, you can forgive me too."

There's a reason why I didn't marry Christopher at sixteen and a reason we weren't together before now. And now, as the picture comes in crystal clear, it's why we won't be together after tonight.

Or ever again.


You made it! Huzzah! Took long enough to get Christopher out of the picture, didn't it? I tried multiple ways, but honestly, this one was the most natural. Sorry it took so long, but, alas, that's how it is.

Not sure what Lorelai's going to do now that Christopher isn't living with her and she was given orders by her doctor to not live alone. She most certainly doesn't want to live with Emily and she doesn't want Rory coming home... hmm...