Chapter 73*

Aria's POV*

I almost considered rescheduling the outing with my mom. Despite the nap on the couch with Jason, as I slept through The Princess Bride and only woke up to adult cartoons when my dad was making dinner. It had been a rough night, and I still felt miserable, even with taking my muscle relaxers that the doctor had previously prescribed for my ribs. I understood now what the doctor meant about being tired and probably not up to things the following day. I had taken a long shower this morning, curled up on the floor while the water pounded on my back until the water had turned cold. Now I was dressed in soft leggings that were a little loose at the waist and an oversized sweater. It was comfortable enough, but I didn't really want to get off the couch, even for a lunch date out. And the idea of shopping afterwards made me want to hide under the covers.

"You ready to go?" my mom asked, scrutinizing me where I lay prone on the couch. She had only just come into the house, purse still slung over her arm. "Or do we need to wait for another day?"

I took a deep breath, summoning the will to move and managed to get my feet down onto the floor, the cool wood hard beneath my socked feet. For some reason I had opted for regular no show socks instead of my fuzzy socks, probably cause I was going to wear sneakers today and they were a little tight with the added material. It still felt like a poor choice at the moment.

"No, I'm okay." I slowly stood up, mindful of the way that my head swam a little and taking care not to fall over by bracing myself against the couch.

"Are you sure, honey? You look a little pale. You're not coming down with something, are you?" she was by my side before I managed to stand all the way up, checking my forehead for a fever with the back of her hand. "You don't feel hot."

My skin had been nearly chalky when I had checked in the mirror earlier and the highlighter I had put on with my regular concealer wasn't really doing quite enough to make me look any better. I mean at least I didn't actually look like a walking corpse, but some lip gloss had been necessary to keep from being totally washed out.

"Really I'm fine. Just shark week." I used our old code for talking about periods when my brother was around, feeling like it was less of a lie that way.

"If you're sure." she conceded, pulling me into a brief side hug as we headed for the door. "We'll get you some hot coffee and lunch and see how that goes. We can always go shopping for a graduation outfit another day."

We headed outside and I went to talk to the cop while my mom got the car started. After letting him know that we were going shopping, I made it to the car. Moving seemed to help a little, at least with the lingering pain in my back, but it was taxing enough that I dropped heavily into the passenger seat, reaching over to hit the button for the heated seat. It was a nice upgrade from her old car, and was something I knew she enjoyed in the chilly winter mornings.

"I don't like that you have to check in with them anytime you leave the house." she announced, her lips pursed as she backed out of the driveway, eyeing the cop with a look of consternation.

"It's not so bad." I answered with a shrug, it wasn't like I enjoyed having to check in but I doubted I could get that restriction removed by complaining. It didn't feel like the best idea was to irritate the people who were meant to be looking out for me. Ali had already complained to us about the cops that were posted outside her place trashtalking her. Given my similar habit of staying home most of the time, I didn't want to experience the same. "At least they haven't told me I shouldn't leave Rosewood in a few weeks."

I had meant it as a joke, but the look she gave me in response made me realize that she wasn't about to take it that way. Or that the cops hadn't told her what restrictions they were trying to place on me, that came along with the promised protection. Her tone was flat, and I could see the annoyance in her eyes and the set of her mouth. "They didn't."

"Mom, it's fine. When they were first out there they tried that, but Jason told them no. It hasn't been a problem since." I reassured, not having the energy to get into this today.

If she took it too hard that could mean that instead of lunch we would be heading to the police station where Tanner would likely get an earful, before remembering that I hadn't been in to do the follow-up interview about what happened in the dollhouse after they had released Andrew. And the inescapable subsequent interview when all I really had energy for was moving to the couch and this outing was pushing it already. As much as I appreciated her righteous anger on my behalf, it was just way too much today.

"I knew I liked him for a reason." she stated smugly, a smile spreading over her mouth as she considered what I had said. "I'm glad they listened."

A breath I hadn't realized I was holding released from my lips, as a warm pleased sensation filled my chest. I don't know why, but I liked her approving of Jason. Maybe it was cause she hadn't approved of Ezra, and what respect she had held for him as a colleague vanished when she found out about our relationship. Even though Jason and I weren't dating, it was nice to feel the approval. Like I had made a good choice. Thinking back to the previous day, and the fight outside the clinic with Ezra, how the situation seemed to get out of hand so fast, it made me wonder how many good choices I was making lately.

"So how is your schoolwork coming along?" she changed the subject as we moved from the neighborhoods and drove out of Rosewood.

"Seriously? Schoolwork? That's what you're going to ask me about?" I shot back in disbelief, amazed that she was concerned about my workload.

"Hey, I am your mother and a teacher. I want to make sure that you're staying on top of things so you graduate."

I rolled my eyes at that. It felt so normal, so trivial, ignoring the giant elephant in the car that was the situation with Charles and the police camped out in front of my house, and focusing on what any senior's parents would be worried about. If I was going to actually go away to college in the fall, assuming that this all wrapped itself up before then that is, I would need to have all my high school responsibilities neatly tied up.

"It's going really well actually. I'm most of the way through my work. Just need to finish one last essay for English and submit my Econ project. Oh and I need to schedule a day to do my Math test." I mentally ticked down the list of pending work that had dwindled to just a few more hours of work.

"Oh, that might be interesting." she acknowledged with a hint of a sigh. "Seeing as the school requested that you not be on premises, at least not when other students are there."

It was a hard pill to swallow. I had understood logically, that like the other girls' I wasn't going to be allowed on school premises, the safety risk for the other students was just too high after the arcade. But it sucked to be confronted with it. The tears were already filling my eyes, as the feeling of being unwanted and not good enough swept through my chest. That my safety was already a loss, so they had to focus on the kids they could still protect. It was like a suckerpunch, knocking my breath out and me off balance at the same time, even though I was sitting down. I had managed to avoid actually coming face to face with that restriction.

"Are you sure you're okay, honey?" my mom's voice cut through the downward spiral that I suddenly found myself in.

Apparently she had still been speaking as my hurt had overwhelmed my senses. I quickly dashed away the tears that were starting to spill out, and tried to blink back the rest, thankful for the waterproof eyeliner I had applied that morning. With a short sniff, hoping it wasn't too obvious that I was crying about not being able to take a math test, of all things.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My voice was thick with the tears I was holding back, clogging my throat as I got the familiar lie out.

"Why don't we stop at the brew and get a coffee before lunch? It might make you feel better." she offered, tone apologetic.

"No!" I stopped her, too loudly and quickly for her to not realize something was going on there. "I just want to give Ezra some space, we had a fight and he didn't take it too well that I don't want to get back together."

The lie blurted out so easily that I was half convinced it was the truth. Which if I hadn't seen him yesterday, it could have been. But the idea of going anywhere near him. The chance of him telling my mom where he had seen me. What he knew I had done, when I had confirmed it for him instead of trying to pass it off as a misunderstanding. It brought bile to the back of my mouth, threatening to overwhelm me. I clenched my teeth and breathed through my nose, hoping that the meds I had taken this morning would be up to double duty today. As I hadn't managed to keep anything down before them this morning, not even my now routine mint tea.

"Is that why you're looking so sick, Aria?" she asked in concern. "I know he was your first real love, but you're going to have so many more. It's not worth it to keep letting him make you miserable."

Like so much about my life, she had no idea what was really going on. It sucked on such a level that it was hard to contain it within a single feeling. Over the last two years, my life and world had drifted so far from the rest of my family that they didn't have a chance of understanding what I was going through. It was so alien. I would laugh if it didn't make me want to cry so badly. Part of me wanted to tell her everything, but the combination of not knowing where to even start with that massive story, and fear of her leaving me again when she found out who her daughter really was held me back. It was more than I could handle right now. It was like the scabbed over wound of her moving out when she found out my dad cheated on her and that I had covered it up was ripped open and mixing with all the other wounds from the last two years. Instead, I managed to shove the tears down enough to respond.

"It's not that. It's just some pms."

She nodded in apparent understanding. Like that little lie explained everything that I was keeping from her. That I was just overwhelmed by my teenage hormones and monthly moodswings, so it excused whatever she saw from me today. It cemented the distance that existed between our worlds.

"I'm sorry, honey. It's just been so long since it was this bad. We've had you on that pill to help with regularity for so long, I forgot what it was like for you without it." she rationalized it all away, and I worried for a moment if she had made the next logical leap and knew what was actually going on. "I hadn't thought about you not being able to take it everyday while you were gone. Of course this month is worse."

I wanted to sob at her acceptance, at the placating tone her voice took on. Irrationally hurt that she was taking that at face value. That she didn't really understand me, or who I was anymore. And that lying to her had become so easy. Instead, I hummed an agreement and settled back into my seat, looking out the window because being in this car was suddenly too painful. Pushing down the swirling emotions in my chest.

Silence filled the car as we drove, until she pulled off the highway into the parking lot of a little bistro with an outdoor seating area. It was one that we had gone to a couple of times before, mostly when we didn't have Mike or my dad with us. There was a small pond slightly down the hill from the seating area, where we could chat and watch the birds play in the water while we ate.

"Do you know what you want?" she asked as we walked over to the service window.

I quickly scanned over the menu, it had been a little while since we had last been here. Maybe when she got back from Vienna, if it had been that recent even. "How about a veggie wrap and a chai?"

"Sure, why don't you go grab a table and I'll get our food." she offered, glancing over at the tables down closer to the pond.

"Okay."

It wasn't like there were a lot of people around today, most people were at work. My mom had likely had to take the afternoon away from her classes, which was a little weird since she could have just done dinner with me if there was something going on. It wasn't like my social life was booming right now. I settled down at the bench facing the pond, the ducks were swimming among the tall grasses on the edge of the water. The sun was warm, and I had picked a table that one side had some shade over the bench, so I could enjoy the heat of the sun while my mom had shade to prevent getting overly warm.

I thought about just laying out on the ground, the grass looked soft enough, and it was taking all my energy to stay upright. Even the table was looking good as a place to rest, as the fatigue threatened to take over me. By the time that my mom made her way over with a small tray of food and drinks in her hands, I was slumped over the table, letting the more curled position relieve some of the cramping pain that still radiated from my stomach and lower back.

The sweet and spicy combination of my drink filled the air as she set it down on the table. I felt the table shift a little, as she took a seat. Then felt her hand on my back, resting for just a moment before moving in slow circles to soothe some of the ache. After a moment, I sat back up, pushing the pain back from my focus and trying to be in the moment.

The sunshine was beautiful, coloring the world around me with vibrant colors. The air was a little humid, but not more than I would expect from the start of summer. And there was birdsong on the air, along with the sounds of the water moving gentle against the shore from the movements of the ducks and whatever other animals were living within. In short, it was a beautiful late spring day. And it just made me feel more miserable.

"Thanks." I acknowledged, taking the cup from where she had set it near me and taking a drink of the steaming liquid.

"So I was thinking I could talk to your math teacher, see if there's another option for you to take your test away from the school. Do you have the same class as the other girls?" she had clearly been sitting on this idea as she broke into a ramble, all while opening her sandwich and tearing a few bites off.

"Yeah, sure." I agreed, uncomfortable with the topic but it might be better if she handled it. Things might go more smoothly if it was an in-person conversation after all, plus she might be able to better explain the circumstances without freaking out like I likely would. "Emily, Hanna, and I are all in the same class."

It had been one of the classes that lined up pretty well within our group. Only Spencer was absent, since she was taking a calculus course that the rest of us weren't ready for, or really interested in for that matter. I could handle math, it just wasn't my favorite, and the test was one that was stressing me out.

"Also I think Mr. Andrus will be at the sports dinner Friday night, so we could always talk to him there." she continued on, placing small pieces of the sandwich in her mouth nonchalantly.

"No, mom, Friday is the Cardillo fellowship competition." I interrupted her train of thought. "I'm going to that."

Her shoulders slumped slightly, like she hadn't expected an argument on this. "Aria, Friday is Mike's lacrosse banquet. We planned to go weeks ago." her tone was soft, like she was soothing a horse. It only fired me up more.

"No." I said it as a full sentence, I was not up for arguing about this.

"Aria," her voice took on a persuading tone, like she could wheedle me into going to the banquet. "We always go to Mike's banquet, don't you want to support your brother?"

I could feel the anger starting to rise, the familiar burn helping to straighten my spine and set my shoulders with confidence, pushing aside the lingering pain in my body. I wasn't about to get bogged down in guilt at not prioritizing Mike's yearly sports banquet for my once in a lifetime experience. "Mom, this isn't some little display at my school. This is my art. On a gallery wall. You have to understand what that means, you used to work at a gallery."

My tone had turned pleading without me realizing, the desperation to go to the exhibit that I had been planning for since I had gotten that letter in the mail. The anticipation and genuine happiness that had suffused me. She couldn't pull that away now. I needed to go to the exhibit. Move forward with my life.

"Honey, I understand that this is important to you." she acknowledged, but the way her mouth turned down and her face drooped told me she wasn't about to give in, it made me feel like she was minimizing my accomplishment. "But it's just not safe. It's in Philly, and I don't want you that far away."

And just like that the weight returned, pressing down on me like too much gravity. Like hands holding me firmly, grinding my bones together in a ruthless bid for control. The protests that wanted to raise to my lips disappearing behind the need for silence as my voice was stripped away. She easily read the crushed expression on my face, the pathetic cast to my mouth and the despair that threatened to take over me.

"We just want to keep you safe." she finished, the words ringing hollow.

"That's not enough." the words managed to float out of my mouth, soft as the wind, but substantive enough for her to hear. "Being safe isn't enough."

I saw the way her eyes started to fill with tears. The fear she was trying to hold back. It was the same as my own, maybe not to the same degree. Not the absolute terror that took control of every muscle in my body and threatened to rip me apart. But she was terrified that she could lose me. The desire not to hurt her warred against my own desperation.

"I need this." I gritted out, feeling like I had already run a marathon from the energy that I had spent to beg her for this.

"He stole you for weeks, Aria. We can't lose you again." the pain that she had always tried to mask in front of me shattered, the raw hurt and heartache that took over her stole my breath and wanted to club me to the ground in submission.

"I can't do this." I could feel the tears starting to streak down my face, even as the warmth from the sun left my skin and the familiar pattern of gooseflesh rose across my body from the cold.

Her mouth worked, trying to find the right words to comfort me. But I cut her off, my body straightening to rigid lines in false confidence to get what I actually needed. Shoving all my feelings down once more, focusing only on the logic and goal. If I let her try to talk me out of it I would give in. I had to take the tiny momentum I was feeling and push forward.

"I know it hurt you for me to disappear like that." my language was still too passive, too soft to drive the point home where it needed to be. "That Charles kidnapping me hurt you. But I need you to understand that it almost killed me."

Strength that I didn't know I possessed stiffened my spine, granting me the ability to continue. Despite the way that her face crumbled with my declaration, I forged on.

"Not just because he almost choked the life out of me. But because I wanted to give up." the words were too raw, not carefully chosen and curated as I had hoped. But I needed her to understand, let her see the raw desperation and pain I felt. "I've lost too much of my life to that bastard. He has taken too much from me already.

"I don't feel safe even at home anymore, because I know he's out there. Waiting to steal me back. To never give me back." I could feel the tremors racing through my body as I spoke, but I ignored the way it made my body feel, pushing the sensation to the back of my mind and leaning in to the distance.

"You and dad asked me what I needed to feel safe. And this is it. I need a future. Something that isn't tarnished by what's happened. Some chance to move forward into a life where I don't have to be afraid of the darkness and being alone."

Tears were streaking down my face, the wrap that she had put on the table for me already crushed in my hand, an unplanned victim to my spasming grasp at freedom. But I had to continue, knowing that if I stopped now, took the time to consider the way that this hurt her now. That I would cave. I would do what helped her over me, because I couldn't stand the thought of letting my family hurt. I would light myself on fire to save them from the pain of this. But I needed to save myself too.

"I can't just keep hiding away. Waiting for this to be over. Because it's not." a sob broke through the box that I had used to encase my emotions, the sound loud and jarring because I knew that wasn't safe. "Please, mom."

Begging wasn't usually in my arsenal. I tried not to ask my family for much. Knowing the strain they were so often under. I wanted them to be happy. The need to fix things when they crashed down around me, it was an impulse that I could rarely restrain. But I needed this. Needed hope that this wasn't going to be my life forever. Because if it was, I didn't think I could handle that. Wouldn't live through it. The memory of the bottle of sleeping pills, whose twin was resting in my bedroom even now. That could take this all away.

"Okay." her voice was quieter than I ever remembered hearing it. But the slight nod of her head as she repeated her acceptance confirmed that she was giving in. "Okay. We'll need to make sure it's safe. Maybe have Lt. Tanner handle the security. But we'll make it work."

The weight eased from my shoulders, lungs able to work again at full capacity instead of struggling with the resistance of anxiety and fear that had threatened to crush me. I moved into her embrace instantly, the comfort of her heat paired with her familiar jasmine perfume reassured me of the moment.

"Thank you." I whispered, getting the words out and hoping that she understood.

"Thanks for coming to speak with us, Lt. Tanner. I'm sure you're very busy." my dad welcomed the detective into our home, leading her from the door towards the living room sitting area.

I tried to swallow down the anxiety that was punching through me. There hadn't been a good way for me to try and dissuade my parents from having Tanner come over to the house. After I had talked to my mom about needing to go to the photo contest yesterday, she had tagged my dad in on the plan to bring the Rosewood PD to the gallery, if at all possible. And I hadn't really gotten a choice as to location for the meeting, not that I really thought going to the police station would be any better. But the worry that Charles would see this as working with the police in some way and take it out on us was front and center of my mind. Especially after Emily had heard about the meeting last night on our nightly check-in. Which was probably why she was going to come over later this afternoon, nominally to check out outfits for tomorrow and just chill.

"Of course, I understand you have some safety concerns." Tanner's voice increased in volume as she moved into sight. "Hello, Aria. How are you doing?"

I suppressed a shudder at that. I didn't like her being worried about my health, it set me on edge. It was uncomfortable, and I just didn't trust it. She had been an adversary for long enough that it felt weird to work with her. Even just to the minimal extent that we were.

"I'm good. How are you?" I lied, trying to move past this moment. But I watched as her gaze ticked over me, cataloguing my expression and gauging for honesty.

"I'm fine, busy of course with the case." her flash of a smile was barely long enough to register. "We have the profiler arriving tomorrow, so hopefully we'll be making more progress soon."

I blinked in surprise. "That's great." the words came out immediately, I had heard that they were bringing in a profiler, though had maybe assumed that would just be a consultation and not actually someone coming out. The chance that this could end sooner was too much for me to hope for right now, getting through this week was going to be enough of a challenge.

"So tell me about this photo contest." she instructed, taking a seat across from me in the armchair.

I straightened my spine, pressing my shoulders down for added confidence before speaking. I had practiced this part in my head a dozen times already, not wanting either my parents or Tanner to worry that I wasn't going to be up for this. Even with the slight sway of the world as lightheadedness struck me when I moved too quickly, which might have been an indication that I still wasn't at my best. But with a slow inhale, I readied myself.

"Tomorrow night is the finalist display for the Cardillo Fellowship Young Talent photo contest. I'm one of five finalists who's work has been chosen to be displayed." I explained, before motioning towards the coffee table. "It was hard to narrow it down to just four photos, but these are the ones that I chose for the display."

Tanner had glanced at the table when she sat down, but now she moved in closer to better look at the four photo array laid on the dark wood. She lingered on each photo, clearly analyzing its content as she moved across the line. The jittery feeling of anticipation was in my stomach, like butterflies wanted to burst free.

"You have an incredible eye for detail, Aria. Every one of these photos is so declarative." she finally said, pausing in contemplation before finishing.

I wasn't sure what all she was seeing in the photos, the fear that this was too personal hit me. It was my trauma from the dollhouse, recreated and laid bare for the world to see. Everything that I couldn't bear to put into words still spread to the world.

"Aria wants to attend the exhibit, but we were worried about safety. Especially after the incident at the arcade." my mom explained, drawing Tanner's attention up to her.

I watched the detective look between my parents, the photos, and me. A plan hatching in her mind, as she turned it over. Before her mouth softened and spread into a reassuring smile. It was a relaxed expression, clearly meant to comfort. But it felt strange to see from her. And no matter the intent, it felt dangerous. More like a warning than assurance.

"I completely understand your concerns, we all want to keep Aria safe. I can work with the gallery and Philly PD and handle security personally if that eases some of your fears." she offered, and somehow that unsettled me more.

"Are you sure it will be safe?" my dad chimed in, shifting where he was standing in concern.

"I wouldn't recommend it if I wasn't confident we could keep you and your daughter safe. We're moving towards a resolution to the case. And it's important for Aria to have these moments, hope and a chance to move forward are so important."

Dread twisted my stomach, making me clench my teeth to hold back the urge to vomit. It was a reassurance. That should be a good thing. But suddenly this felt like walking into a lion's den. There was something that Tanner was seeing that I wasn't, some way that this could help close the case.

"I'll also bring the profiler along, I've heard he's a fan of art and I'm sure he would enjoy the show. That will also give you a lower pressure chance to meet him before talking about the case." Tanner continued, and there was the nail in the coffin. This was a chance for the profiler to analyse something, whether that be my art and thought process, or any potential reaction from Charles.

"If you'd like, we can also have an escort go with you to the gallery. We'll have undercover officers in place, but it wouldn't be any trouble to have an unmarked car leave here with you."

The suffocating feeling was back, more intense than it had been from just having the cops parked at the curb, watching every movement I made. I breathed through my nose, knowing that since she had made the offer my parents would insist on it for me to attend. And I desperately wanted to go to the exhibit. Wanted the chance to feel some semblance of normal, and relish in my accomplishment. Rather than cower in fear any longer, always hiding out at home or my dad's office.

"Thank you, Lt. Tanner. That would be wonderful." I heard my mom respond, her voice sounding like it was underwater.

I felt shellshocked, sitting dumbly on the couch as they went through the routine of small talk conversation to wrap up. The stupid smile on my face barely enough of a mask to hide my panic behind. I needed air. The urge to move was insistent enough that I stood up, accidentally mirroring Tanner.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." my lips were stiff as I gave enough of a response to be able to leave the room. "I'll leave you to work out the details. Please excuse me."

I didn't wait for a response. Instead, I headed for the kitchen, blowing right past the normally comforting room and the attached bathroom and made a beeline out to the back patio. Thick humid air confronted me, better than the stuffy air inside but not enough to stop the sudden clammy feeling of my skin. And before I realized what was happening, I was bent over the bushes to the side of the patio and puking into the barkdust. I retched the measly contents of my stomach up, trying to keep the noise down to a minimum at least. As I stood back up, feeling the remains of sick on my teeth and lingering in the back of my throat I couldn't help but feel the annoyance that I thought I would be done with this by now. Instead my stomach gave a weak pulse of pain, the cramping so much fainter than it had been that first day. I spit into the dirt once more before wiping at my mouth. The fresh air did help somewhat, but I would need to head back inside and get the taste out of my mouth soon.

End Chapter*

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