"Breakfast. Get your ass up, fuck-face!" Adam's voice was far from a welcome sound, first thing in the morning, but Lucifer was becoming so accustomed to it, the sound had almost become part of his morning routine. The Devil wasn't sure what was worse: the actual injuries he had suffered at the hands of Eldritch beasts or the fact that he was forced to rely on the very man he had fucked over centuries before- and who in turn- had come to wreak havoc on his afterlife. (In fact, Adam felt more like a constant presence, an eternal reminder, now that he lived here, than when he was the looming threat from above that came down once a year to slay.)
"Go away, I'm injured." Lucifer groaned, cracking one eye open to see Adam crawling out of his fucking water glass that he had left on the table, looking like something straight out of a fucking horror movie, as he pulled his entire goddamn body out of something way too small to fit it. Lucifer reached his good hand out and snatched the tray from Adam's arms as the First Man wiggled the lower half of his body free of the tiny glass.
"Hey!" Adam protested as his tray of food was stolen and he fell, face-first, off of Lucifer's nightstand and onto his floor. "Fucking rude."
"Use the goddamn door, dick head." Lucifer could compliment how nice the food smelled, but it had also just arrived through a glass of water.
"I need to practice my new power, dumbass." Adam tried to stand, only to see his foot was still in the cup. He pulled it free before finally getting up.
"What if my food got wet?"
"It didn't. I don't think I actually touched the water."
"But you don't know. You just said you're practicing."
"Is the food wet?"
"..." Lucifer poked at it for a moment with his claw. He gave Adam a suspicious look as he picked up the pancake with his bare hand and took a bite. "No."
"See?"
"But it could have been."
"It wasn't, though. So, suck it." Adam grabbed the water glass off of the nightstand and offered it to Lucifer who stared at him in disgust.
"I'm not drinking that."
"Why the fuck not?"
"Why- are you being serious right now? Your fucking foot was just in my glass- in fact- your entire goddamn body just crawled out like some sort of circus act from R'lyeh."
"Don't you mean: circus act from Hell?"
"No. No I do not. I run Hell. We have our problems, but that sort of fucked up shit can be left for Cthulhu to deal with."
"Except that it's my Sinner power? So literally, it is from Hell." Adam had this smug look on his face that was making Lucifer even more annoyed.
"This is irrelevant. It could be entirely as a result of your Corruption, we don't actually know." Lucifer glared at him trying to look as intimidating as possible while missing a leg and most of a hand, and currently sitting with a plate full of brightly colored pancakes, decorated in fruit that he was shoving into his mouth between words.
"You're just mad I got a cool Sinner power."
"I'm not mad, and it's not cool." It was actually quite impressive as Sinner powers went. But Lucifer would never admit it to Adam's face, as his ego was already battling with Lucifer's own during every single interaction.
"Oh it's super fucking cool. And I think we haven't even figured everything out yet. Remember on the boat? I think I can pull stuff out of there. We could have infinite fucking pillows! How do you think food would taste if I pulled that out? OH SHIT!" Adam was getting excited. Lucifer was only listening to the rant until his mouth was no longer full of fluffy, blueberry goodness. "What about people!?" Lucifer squinted.
"How would people taste? Like... in the mirror or in general- because that's really more of a question for Rosie. But with the Corruption it's not surprising you would-"
"The fuck is wrong with you, asshole? I was talking about pulling people out of the mirror, not fucking eating them."
"Your phrasing was confusing." Lucifer squinted up at him. "Now get me a new glass of water." He recalled all too well the incident on the boat where Adam had pulled out half an end table out of a fucking window and Lucifer had to just pretend he had forgotten.
"Fine." Adam walked toward the bathroom, Lucifer's glass still in his hand. The devil struggled not to choke on his food.
"USE THE FUCKING DOOR!"
"No~" Adam continued toward the bathroom, holding up his middle finger on his free hand. From his spot on the bed, Lucifer could watch Adam chamber onto his sink and into his bathroom mirror. He was once again struck with the undeniable urge to cover everything he owned in carpet to destroy any and all reflective surfaces. Having Adam with unrestricted access to his house was frustrating at best, and down-right dangerous at worst. The Devil sighed, going back to his pancakes, and doing his best to shovel them in his mouth with one hand. Damn, they tasted incredible. Lucifer half-wished that Adam had been a shitty cook because admitting that the First Man had any real talent almost felt like Lucifer was losing some kind of unspoken game.
Though the pancakes would taste even better if he had a fucking drink. How long did it take to get water? If Lucifer had known it was going to take this much time, he would have strapped a water cooler to the top of Syn and had her fly around offering refreshing beverages whenever he most desired. (Could Syn lift a water cooler? She wasn't very big and Lucifer wasn't entirely sure how strong he had made her. Syn's creation was a bit of a blur of depression and self-loathing, if he was being perfectly honest.)
"Syn!" Sure, she couldn't bring him water, but Lucifer hadn't seen her since he woke up. He didn't like not knowing where she was. She was full of sensitive information and there was currently a giant hole in the side of his house. Lysander was camping it out, but still, Lucifer didn't want her to get lost or stolen. (And despite her HPS tracking, Lucifer had complete confidence that Syn could and would get hopelessly lost, if given the opportunity.) "Syn, get in here!"
Thump.
"Masterrrrrrrrr!"
Right. The door was closed because Adam had decided he was too fucking good to enter a room like a goddamn normal human being.
"Can someone get the door for Syn!?" Maybe Lucifer should hire more staff, at least until he fully recovered or until he gave Syn some actual fucking arms. (But that would mean allowing word of his injuries to risk spreading and that, combined with the Shoggoths and what that represented, could spell out a catastrophe for Hell. Just because the Sinners hadn't engaged in Eldritch power on Earth, didn't mean they wouldn't do so now if given the opportunity. The bit of remnant Eldritch magic that lingered in Hell from long ago, was well quarantined. Lucifer didn't need this new wave of Corruption ruining the fragile ecosystem of Hell.)
"Master, I cannot reach you!"
"Adam!" Lucifer called out, but it was probably no use. Without calling Adam on his phone, (which was a fifty-fifty shot at best- since Adam's forgetful ass fucking misplaced it all the time despite how expensive it was) or using magic, he was a bit stuck on what to do. He sighed heavily. He hated feeling helpless. "Syn, go get Adam to open the door for you, and tell him to bring me my fucking water, please."
"Yes, Master! I will return to you!"
"I know you will." Lucifer returned his attention to the nearly finished pancakes. Maybe he should have told Syn to make Adam bring him more- Raphael said it was important to eat real food, after all. It was supposed to be good for his regeneration. (And even if he was over indulging, so what? It was Hell. Was Queen Bee going to kick down his door and try to fight him for encroaching on her territory?) Ah well, the moment had passed for now, but Adam would be back.
Lucifer took the moment of solitude to check his phone. There was a text from Charlie.
Darling Daughter [9:24 AM: Sorry for not coming over yesterday. I was exhausted. I will be by today to check on you. How are you feeling?
Lucifer [9:45 AM: I am doing much better. Thank you so much for asking! 3 Were you with Michael last night?
He might as well cut right to the point. The idea that his daughter had been hanging around his brother made him uneasy. There was a time in which he would have been positive that, outside from maybe some angry words, Michael would not have hurt Charlie. But that was before he had authorized the Exterminations. Now? Now he only had to trust that his daughter was fine from the news station footage and the fact that she had messaged him this morning. How had she even gotten in touch with his brother? He couldn't even call Michael directly. (Though that might not have been Michael. There was a one in three chance. All of his siblings could shapeshift. It was just the easiest for Michael to steal his form since they already resembled each other strongly. Though, Lucifer was better looking for sure. Michael looked like you could shove him in a locker for saying something so unbelievably dorky like righty-oh.) Though no matter how punchable Michael looked he was incredibly powerful. Charlie had put herself and, from the looks of the footage, Vaggie in danger. (Seriously? Shouldn't Vaggie, if anyone, have been able to tell Charlie how fucking dangerous Michael was?) Lucifer reviewed the footage of Charlie and... whoever it was as they hopped on Razzle's back and took to the sky. (Razzle you traitor.) There wasn't much after she left. No... wait...
Lucifer kept scrolling through the multitude of useless posts that 666 News made about his 'apparent' death to find a single bit of footage from one of the obnoxious drones that stalked Hell. It was from the front of the Hotel. Lucifer could see Charlie and the fake-Lucifer talking, she had some kind of paper in her hand which he took. And then... the footage started to struggle. Lucifer could see ice starting to form on the lens of the drone before the connection was completely destroyed.
Yep.
That was Michael.
No one could be such a frigid bitch as the new leader of the Archangels.
Whatever Charlie had told him had pissed him right off. Great. Lucifer was going to be dealing with that shit later. Michael had said he was coming by before putting Lucifer's request off for the umpteenth time. That was fine. The Devil knew where he stood in Heaven's fucked up little rankings. All he was going to do was yell at Michael more. What sort of giant fucking balls did Michael even have to just gallivant around wearing Lucifer's face and talking to his daughter?
The door clicked open and Syn came rushing in, smacking right into Lucifer's face. "I was separated from you and now I am not!"
"Good to see you too, Syn." Lucifer pulled his head back, trying to move away from her but she kept bumping into him. He could see Adam standing in the doorway, holding a glass of water in his hand- though the image was hard to make out, given the wings currently obscuring his vision. "You gonna stand there? Or are you going to lend me a fucking hand?" Adam didn't really seem to be moving.
"He does not talk!"
"No, Syn, this is Adam. He doesn't shut up. It's very different." Lucifer assured her as Adam walked slowly into the room. Something looked... off about him, but Lucifer couldn't quite put a finger on it with Syn in his face. "You can back up just a bit." He was using his only good arm to support himself until he could hand Adam his plate in exchange for the water. So, he nudged Syn with his face.
"I missed you."
"I appreciate that. But I can't- Excuse you." Lucifer couldn't finish his lecture because Adam was rubbing the glass of water against the front of his face. Lucifer pulled his head back yet again to avoid whatever the fuck Adam was trying to do. He glared up at him. "Can I help you?" Adam's expression was completely blank. Lucifer felt a tad bit uneasy given that the blank expression could be a warning sign for an oncoming... episode. "Are you okay? Answer me." Lucifer leaned back, using his good arm to snap his claws near Adam's face. "Hellooooo?"
"That one doesn't talk." Syn migrated so that she could sit on Lucifer's head, as he sat with his back supported only by the headboard of his bed.
"The fuck does that mean?" Lucifer couldn't exactly look at Syn, given her new position, however, he could get a better look at Adam. No... something was definitely wrong. It took him a moment before it finally clicked. The black and white halves of Adam's body... they were reversed. Lucifer took his clawed hand and swiped at Adam's chest. He felt the solid resistance of a flesh and bone being for a split second before Adam burst like a balloon into nothingness, the glass of water falling to the floor.
"You killed new Adam."
"Yeah, what a dick." Adam walked out of Lucifer's bathroom with a new glass in his hands. "By the way, yes I can pull people out of the mirror. They are not very... reactive. But I think that takes practice. Also, don't think they can talk."
"Thanks for that information. I hate it." Lucifer snatched the glass out of his hand. One Adam was bad enough, more than that was nightmare fuel the likes of which the Elder Gods themselves couldn't compete with.
"I have the Holy Water for you too." Adam ignored his comment, walking back into the bathroom and bringing out an even bigger glass. Lucifer made a face as he looked at it.
"Hurray." His voice was completely devoid of enthusiasm.
"Master does not want it. He does not need to drink it!"
"It's fine, Syn." Lucifer would rather not drink it, but it was for the best given that he had been a Shoggoths chew toy not too long ago. Raphael was a cold, calculating bastard, sure, but he didn't tend to fuck around when it came to medicine. Despite Lucifer's justified hatred of his siblings, he would heed their advice on this. He handed his glass of regular water to Adam before taking the holy water. He stared at the glass with contempt for a moment, then tilted his head back, drinking it as quickly as possible. God it burned. It felt like his insides were on fire. Lucifer was certain the Archangels were cracking up from their holy thrones up in Heaven, reveling in his suffering.
"Master, are you dying?"
"Nope." Lucifer's voice was strained, his throat felt raw. But the feeling passed more quickly with every dose. Maybe he was growing numb to it. "Just taking my medicine."
"That's all for the holy water," Adam took the now empty glass, putting it on Lucifer's sticky plate. "Now have the unholy water."
"Don't call it that." Lucifer took the glass and quickly started drinking from it.
"Water of the damned."
Lucifer snorted, nearly spitting it back out. "Don't make me laugh, asshole." The Devil had been through enough. His throat already hurt.
"I can't help that I'm hilarious." Adam retorted. He pulled a cloth out of his pocket and used it to wipe the water and syrup from Lucifer's chin. "Okay, shit lord, I gotta start working on lunch, so if you're expecting anyone, tell me now or their asses are not eating." Adam took the glass from Lucifer. "After I refill this, I guess."
"How are you not-" Lucifer would be honest, the fact that Adam was just obediently cooking for him was a little weird. If it weren't for all the obvious insults (as well as the sheer fact that Adam lacked empathy) the Devil would almost have thought his actions were out of pity. But the first man pitied no one but himself. Adam used the hand not balancing plates to grab one of Lucifer's discarded boots off the floor, retching black bile into the boot. "There it is." Lucifer sighed heavily. "Really, asshole? My fucking shoe? You couldn't use the trashcan that was RIGHT FUCKING THERE!" He gestured emphatically to the empty pail that was right beside his bed, less than six inches from the boot.
"Eh, it's for the foot you don't currently have. You'll clean it by the time you need it, right?" Adam placed the boot back on the floor.
"Are you serious!? Don't leave it here!"
"What am I going to do with it?"
"Clean it with the holy water!"
"Yeah, that's outside my pay grade. But you can handle it when you're better. Call it my heavenly nature giving me false hope, BUT: I believe in you." Adam's condescending tone did little to reassure Lucifer of the authenticity of his words.
"Listen here you gross fuck-"
"I'd love to keep debating with you, but I have an actual job to get back to. One that's very deserving of a raise, in fact. Right Syn?"
"Maybe!"
"Don't humor him." Lucifer used his good hand to pat the side of Syn gently as she sat, nestled in his hair like some sort of bird.
"So... anyone else for food? Yes? No? This is your last call. I am kinda doing this all myself. I know I have Quackers but between you and me, despite the chef hat, he's not much of a cook. It's partially because he doesn't really have arms... or hands... or really anything other than just flamethrowers and knives. You know, as I'm thinking about it," Adam nodded toward Syn, "I feel like you just don't give any of your inventions arms. Is it because hands are hard? I hear that a lot at the art classes I've taken in Heaven."
"Quackers is a duck, he doesn't need arms." Lucifer retorted snidely.
"And Syn?"
"Syn is... I dunno. She's Syn. Arms are on my to-do list. But if you haven't noticed, it's a little difficult to make arms when I, myself, am missing several limbs."
"Oh please, you're missing two limbs, tops."
"I'm counting the wings, dumbass."
"Not your first time losing those. It was nice that Michael could be present for both occasions, wasn't it?"
"Get out!" Lucifer took his pillow and threw it at Adam. (His only other option was to throw Syn, but she had done nothing to deserve such treatment.)
"Okay, I'm making lunch for just us then." Adam sidestepped being hit with the pillow before picking it up, off of the ground, and bringing it back to Lucifer, placing it back on the bed. "Syn, make sure he stays resting and doesn't do anything stupid."
"I literally am unable to stop him."
"That's the spirit!" and with that, Adam took the dishes and crawled back into the mirror in the bathroom. Lucifer let out a frustrated groan, grabbing his pillow and shoving it behind his head. Stupid Adam. Having to rely on anyone sucked for Lucifer. He was always the one taking care of other's needs. People didn't go to the Devil because they wanted to know how he was feeling. There was always something- a deal, a bargain- even when he raising his family, it was all about trying to make things easier for Lilith, for Charlie. Lucifer was an all-powerful entity. He was not the one who needed someone taking care of him. And now? Now he was reduced to this lying on a bed at the mercy of the Worst Man.
"Ugh," Lucifer looked at his almost empty water glass. He hated the feeling of helplessness that overcame him. "This sucks, Syn."
"Whoops! Forgot to refill your drink." Adam jumped out of the mirror with a big pitcher of water in his hand. He grabbed the glass from Lucifer, filling it back up. "I'm gonna leave this with you because I gotta get cooking. You sulk or do whatever it is you do all day."
"Self-Care!"
"Is that seriously what you taught her it's called?" Adam rested the pitcher on the nightstand beside Lucifer's glass. "Is she not old enough to learn the word depression or is the word of the day for her going to be: denial?" Lucifer squinted at the First Man, who seemed to be on a roll with the insults. (There was a part of the Devil that wondered if this was Adam's attempt to balance out the good deed so he wouldn't vomit.)
"Listen here you little shit-" Lucifer stopped himself. No. Feeding into this was only going to turn the conversation into another session of bickering. Not this time. Lucifer was smarter than this. He dealt with smug assholes a thousand times over. He took a deep breath, taking a gulp of the water, and breathing slowly out. "Thank you."
"W-what?" Adam definitely seemed thrown off. Perfect.
"Thank you, you know, for breakfast, for bringing me the holy water, it's really nice of you to do all of this for me."
"What's happening right now?"
"I know I've been a little snippy with you, and that's not fair to you. I can tell you're really trying to help."
"You're making this weird, dude."
"No. I get it. You've really shown how much you care, Adam. So thank you."
"Okay, you enjoy your psychotic break. I gotta go get lunch started." Adam seemed so, thoroughly thrown off by Lucifer's words, he actually exited through the fucking door. (Of course, Adam did close it behind him, meaning that Syn was now trapped with Lucifer inside his room. But there were worse fates than having Syn around.) The Devil gave a smug, satisfied smile as he settled down, comfortably, back in his bed. He reached up with his good arm, removing Syn from his head, and placing her on his chest.
"Okay Syn, now that we have some time to ourselves, why don't you give me the updates about today?"
"Yes, Master! It is another hot day in Hell! Temperatures are expected to keep soaring with a thirty percent chance of acid rain localized mostly in the industrial district. Recent news updates include: more coverage on: Love after Death and the obsessive search to find the missing episode. A studio was destroyed, staff attacked, some kidnapped in an attempt to obtain raw footage of the episode Hell is calling: an enlightening, a religious experience, and truly mind-altering."
"That's still going on, huh?" Lucifer had to give it to his people, when they had the opportunity to obsess, they took it and ran.
"In other news, was the King of Hell murdered by his daughter and replaced with a robot? Hell's top officials debate!"
"Are they fucking serious?" Lucifer reached for his phone. Vox was supposed to smother the Shoggoth incident in production Hell. So why was this all getting pinned on Charlie? Or were they still talking about that poorly photoshopped puppet? Serious looking Hellborns in suits sat with a picture of the puppet shaking their heads sadly and Lucifer wanted to throw the phone.
What the fuck, Vox? Were they so desperate for a story they had to frame his daughter for murder? Though, them referring to Michael as a robot was hilarious. Guess his terrible acting couldn't even get him to pass as a human. What a fucking loser.
A text popped up as he was looking at his phone.
Carmilla [10:15 AM: You dead?
Lucifer [10:15AM: No. Are you?
Carmilla [10:16AM: No. Head is still trying to reattach. It sucks.
Lucifer [10:17AM: RIP. When you get better, I owe you some flowers or something.
Carmilla [10:18AM: I got my fucking head ripped off by a Shoggoth. You owe me way more than fucking flowers. When is Raph coming back?
Lucifer put the phone down. That was enough talking to Carmilla. She was recovering and that was what mattered most.
"You have incoming texts from Carmilla!"
"They aren't important."
"Okay!" Syn obediently let the subject drop. It was nice that there was at least one person in Hell that would listen to Lucifer. Between Adam, Charlie, and Carmilla, this morning really wasn't shaping up to be a great one. What had led to Charlie, his beloved daughter, side by side with the man who had hacked Lucifer's wings off his back? The one who had cast both of Charlie's parents into the abyss below without a second thought. What sort of sweet lies had Michael used to draw his daughter in? That underhanded, self-righteous bastard.
Was he even coming back? Michael didn't typically lie but Lucifer hadn't talked to him in so long that maybe that changed.
A knock at the door made Lucifer's blood run cold.
Shit.
Already?
He had kinda been hoping to talk to Charlie first.
"One second!" Lucifer was doing his best to sit up. If he was going to face Michael, he was going to do it with whatever dignity he had left. However, the door opened, despite his very clear instruction.
"Hey asshole, I heard you fucking died." Relief washed over the Devil in a wave as a familiar (and shockingly welcome) stoney Sinner burst through the door without hesitation.
"Haven't seen you in a while." Lucifer felt himself relax.
"Greetings Cain!"
"How's it going, Syn?" Cain made his way into the room, slamming the door behind him as he looked Lucifer up and down. "You got torn the fuck up, huh? The news stories don't do your injuries any justice at all."
"You know those pictures are photoshopped, right? I think there was a puppet? I dunno if they made it or someone else did. I probably don't want to think about it too hard." Lucifer mused. Cain grabbed the armchair and pulled it up to the bed so he could sit down beside the Devil.
"Yeah, but I got the real story from dad. He texts me updates on things, in the mansion, in a pathetic and desperate attempt to connect with me." Cain offered his phone toward Lucifer who saw a plethora of unanswered messages from Adam detailing life in the mansion. He squinted at the words, autocorrect was not Adam's friend, it seemed. Some of the messages were hilarious, some made Lucifer a little sad, and others were borderline incomprehensible. "Wasn't sure how much of that was real until Bitchy Ballerina canceled one of our Overlord meetings and that never happens."
"Yeah, well, it was not a very successful dinner party." Lucifer frowned looking at some of the more... strange messages from Adam.
"Of course not," Cain snatched his phone back. "I didn't cater. You know Cain Organics is the be-all-end-all of catering. Unless you want human flesh, then you gotta go to Rosie's."
"Adam did fine; the food wasn't really the issue so much as it was the party crashers."
"I was crushed."
"She's fine now." Lucifer patted Syn on the top of her little cylindrical core.
"I was saved by the nice red lady with all of the eyes."
"That was Uriel, and we hate her." Lucifer was glad that Syn had been rescued, that didn't exactly change his entire opinion on the judgmental assholes who had kicked him out of their little club.
"I was saved by the mean red lady with all the eyes that I hate."
"So, the Big Four were really here, huh? Is that why there's an absolutely massive hole in your wall being guarded by that Hellborn?" Cain looked impressed, but also a tad concerned. "I see they haven't gotten any more subtle over the years. What's with the horse-shaped hole in your second story window?"
"That was more the Shoggoths- and please don't ask about the window- but yeah. Is that how you got in? The hole? Because like ninety percent of my yard got fucking blessed."
"That explains why I can't move underground there. I was getting really concerned about my abilities. But no, I just walked up to the front door. The ten percent of the non-blessed yard is literally just the path right to the entrance. And then dad let me in because, face it, he's not saying no to me. I could make him give me his firstborn child, which is pointless because I am the firstborn, and his second born fucking sucks. Maybe I could get a really good deal on Seth. But you get my point."
"I do. Thank you for painting that very confusing picture for me." Lucifer snorted a bit. Seeing the unanswered texts between Cain and Adam was a little saddening. As a father, Lucifer knew the pain of being avoided by one's own child. It... didn't feel great. And despite how shitty of a person Adam was, he had been helpful as of late. And, while Lucifer would never openly admit it, he really couldn't do anything without his assistance right now. He sighed heavily. "You know, your dad kinda saved me during that whole Shoggoth thing." Caine glanced at the obviously missing leg and mangled hand. (Lucifer was fortunate that Cain couldn't see the wings- or rather- the single remaining wing.)
"I don't think he did you any favors."
"No, he actually did." This wasn't easy for Lucifer, but a small part of him felt it was necessary. "He pushed me out of the way. If he hadn't, I would have been torn to bits..." he followed Cain's gaze to his own injuries. "To smaller bits."
"Are you sure he wasn't just trying to push you into the big scary monster's mouth and accidentally miscalculated?"
"I dunno, man." Lucifer wasn't even sure how conscious Adam had been at the time. "But he's been a slightly competent chef and maid since he came, so like... you don't have to be nice to him or anything because what happened between you two is your own bullshit to sort through. But like... I dunno... maybe don't write him off completely."
"Is my dad poisoning you?"
"What? No!" Lucifer blinked. "I mean, I don't think so."
"Master is allergic to poison."
"I'm just asking because everything you just said sounds batshit insane from my perspective." Cain raised his only eyebrow.
"Then ignore it. I don't actually give a fuck." Lucifer wasn't about to spend time bickering with one of Hell's oldest residents. "Now was your whole reason for visiting to gawk at my injuries or was there something else you wanted?"
"Oh, come on, I can't just visit because I miss you?"
"No. Nor would you if given the option."
"Bitch, I might." Cain smirked, but reached into the pocket of his leather jacket to pull out a flower. He offered it to Lucifer who stared at him blankly.
"Flowers? Really?"
"It's actually flower singular. And it's not a get-well-soon present I'm afraid." Cain held the flower in question closer to Lucifer who squinted. It was an unusual blossom; it didn't look like any of Hell's common flora. The bright colored petals were a bit out of place, it had veins of various colors twisting through every aspect of the bloom. There were five- no wait six? Seven? Lucifer tried to count the petals but his head started to swim.
Fuck.
"Cain, drop it in my boot."
"What?"
"Drop the fucking flower in my boot! The one filled with all the vomit!" Lucifer gestured emphatically toward the boot on the floor.
"Why do you have a vomit filled boot!?"
"Because your dad's an asshole- I don't have to explain myself to you, drop the fucking flower in the boot! Syn, get Adam, tell him to bring the Holy Water."
"Yes, Master!" Syn flew off of Lucifer and smacked into the door.
"God fucking damn it, Cain, can you open the door for her, please- after you drop the flower."
"You are acting weirder than usual." Cain dropped the blossom in the disgusting boot, and opened the door for Syn who went zipping obediently out. "What's the holy water for? Is this some kind of plant from Heaven?"
"God, I wish. No, where did you find it?"
"One of my imps found it. Or rather, found someone who found it. It was brought to our office for identification. But I know plants and I haven't seen anything like that before. From what I know it was an isolated bloom."
"It had better fucking be."
"So, you know what it is?"
"Yes, and... no. I can't tell you exactly what it is, but I'll tell you that the blossom is very, very sick. It needs to be destroyed, the ground around it should be salted, nothing else needs to grow there." Lucifer was rarely serious with Cain, so the Sinner must have sensed the emergency at hand. Fuck. Michael had talked about checking the soil after the Shoggoths had buried themselves in the dirt. But Lucifer had cast him out before he could elaborate. Still, this seemed awfully quick. It had only been a few days since the attack. Lucifer didn't even have his whole leg back yet. He could bring it up to Michael if he ever had to see him again. (Really, it was Michael's own fault that Lucifer had kicked him and his merry band of assholes out. Thousands upon thousands of years of no-contact and then Michael just shows up at his fucking house walking around like they were best friends after everything he had done. Michael's lucky Lucifer was injured or he would have taken the opportunity to rip those obnoxious blue wings right off his back and shove that flaming sword straight down his throat.)
"I have the Holy water!" Adam came out of Lucifer's bathroom with a giant jug of the Holy water, left behind by Raphael. He had on an apron, which was a little funny for Lucifer to see how the mighty Leader of the Exorcists had Fallen. Cain jumped backward upon seeing him, craning his neck to look at the empty bathroom.
"We're you just waiting in there!?"
"Your dad discovered his Sinner power and now he won't stop using it." Lucifer remarked dryly. (Though, honestly, it would have been funnier to just let Cain assume his father lurked around in bathrooms just waiting to be called.)
"I texted you all about it, Cain, didn't you read?" Adam looked a little hurt and Cain averted his gaze from his father, shrugging.
"There were a lot of texts."
"Cain, hold your hands out; Adam, give me the water." Lucifer was strong enough to hold the bottle with only one hand. He took it from Adam as Cain held his hands forward, palms up. "You aren't going to like this." Lucifer turned the bottle upside-down and the holy water poured onto Cain's palms. The stone skin sizzled and cracked, for a moment, Lucifer could see human-like skin beneath the rocky exterior. Cain let out a cry of pain and Adam knocked Cain's hands away, the water splashing on the white arm, leaving a visible black burn.
"The fuck are you doing!?" Adam stood between Lucifer and Cain; his wings flared out completely, covering his son.
"Your eldest just brought me a flower, imbued with Corruption, with his bare fucking hands." Lucifer kept his tone calm. He wasn't all that surprised Adam had intervened. He probably should have explained himself first, but then Cain might have refused the water. (Sinners weren't exactly the best at accepting painful treatments.) Adam's attitude instantly changed, he whipped around, grabbing Cain by his shoulders.
"Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Do you have a fever?"
"I just had acid poured on my hands. No, I don't fucking feel all right." Cain was glaring at Lucifer, carefully holding his hands out. Lucifer could see the stone starting to return as the Sinner's natural healing started to kick in.
"It was holy water not acid you drama queen." Lucifer snorted. "Give me your jacket where you were keeping the flower."
"I'm not giving you my- HEY!" Cain started to protest but Adam pulled his jacket right off of him, handing it to Lucifer.
"Thank you." Lucifer started dousing it with the holy water.
"What the fuck, dad!?" Cain tried to grab him to stop him from handing the coat over, but Adam whirled back around, grabbing his wrist. Lucifer could forget that Adam wasn't as weak and pathetic as he seemed. Despite everything, he had been a general in Heaven. Adam lowered Cain's arm, before releasing him.
"I don't want you to end up like me."
"I don't want that either," Cain snorted, "trust me."
"Here you go." Lucifer handed the jacket back before pouring the holy water into the offending boot. There was that horrible, sizzling, almost screaming sound as the flower and viscous vomit within started to dissolve. "Listen, Cain, I'm going to break this down for you very simply because I know you aren't going to spread this shit around Hell due to your intense hatred of other people." Lucifer couldn't be completely frank with Cain, but he could give him just enough to understand the severity of the situation.
"It's true. People are the fucking worst." Cain nodded.
"There's a disease in Hell right now. It's incredibly dangerous." Lucifer took a deep breath. "And that flower you showed me was infected with it. The holy water is about the only cure we have right now and I want to make sure that you don't get sick."
"Aw, you do care. I'm almost flattered." It was hard to tell if Cain was actually taking him seriously or not. (Adam's bloodline seemed to have a tendency to make light of dark situations, so it was difficult to tell if the severity had gotten through to him or not.)
"You're in charge of Hell's food. Don't flatter yourself." Lucifer had to be absolutely certain Cain was clean. "Drink." He offered the jug forward and Cain recoiled.
"I'll die."
"You'll be fine." Lucifer assured him. "I mean, you'll feel like you're dying, but it'll be good for you in the long run." Cain squinted at the Devil, but the explanation must have resonated with him enough because he brought the jug to his lips and started to drink.
"Holy fuck." Cain gasped, gagging, he dropped the jug and Adam quickly caught it, handing Cain Lucifer's other boot as he started throwing up.
"Why do you keep using my shoes!?" Lucifer was frustrated, as he grabbed the boot from Cain. Looking inside he saw... normal vomit. "Good news, you're fine." It was probably for the best that Lucifer avoided telling Cain he hadn't actually been Corrupted. He must have come right to Lucifer once the flower was discovered. Good for him. At least one Overlord in Hell was doing their part to stop Corruption from spreading.
Two, if they counted Carmilla.
"Are you okay?" Adam had his hand on Cain 's back, but the Overlord immediately swatted away his touch.
"Fine."
"Adam, you're dismissed. You probably have something in the oven, right?" The crisis had been averted and Lucifer didn't want to spend his recovery time dealing with Adam's family drama. He had his own, more obnoxious family drama to be dealing with, thank you very much. Adam hesitated, looking Cain over. "He's fine, Adam."
"Be careful." Adam started walking toward the open door. He stopped looking back. "I love you, son." Cain didn't respond, actively looking away. Adam sighed, his wings wilted and then retracted into his back before he shuffled down the hall, looking as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Cain frowned, waiting for him to go before looking at Lucifer.
"Is that sickness what's wrong with my dad?"
"Yes."
"Is that why he attacked me?"
"It is." Lucifer recalled the incident at Cain Organics quite well As Adam had tried to bite off both of their faces in a fit of rage.
"Is he gonna be okay?"
"I..." Lucifer hesitated. He could lie. He could avoid the truth. There were a lot of options. "I... don't know, Cain. But he is trying." Lucifer could at least give Adam SOME credit. Even the Devil had noticed the attempts at purging the Corruption within.
"I'm going to put the staff on high alert to look out for any sort of deformities in the plant life." Cain got to his feet at last, picking up the holy water. "Can I take this with me?"
"Yeah." Lucifer laid back in his bed. This was not the relaxing recovery he had wanted, but he was glad Cain had come to him when he did.
"Cool." Cain took the jug and his jacket. "I guess we'll be in touch. I gotta get the word out to the staff."
"Sure, yeah. It was good seeing you." Lucifer meant it too. Aside from a text from Carmilla, and visits from his daughter, not many people had stopped in. (Of course, his injuries were a secret, but with the murder rumor Lucifer expected at least a little concern. Cain took his leave, and Lucifer laid back on his bed, closing his eyes. It was still morning and he was already fucking exhausted. Growling limbs back was a process but this was taking far longer than usual thanks to Adam and his stupid bitey teeth.
"Daddy?"
"Hn?" Lucifer cracked open an eye. He didn't even realize he had fallen asleep. His heart was pounding but he couldn't really pinpoint why. It must have been some kind of nightmare, but damned if Lucifer couldn't really remember it. Charlie was standing above him, holding a tray of delicious smelling quiches.
"Adam says it's lunch time."
"Char-char!" Lucifer scrambled to sit up. His daughter was here, in front of him. She looked unharmed. But there was no telling what sort of mental torture Michael had put her through. He could have interrogated her, told her stories of all the torture Lucifer had unleashed on the world, or maybe just told her one of his absolutely terrible jokes. (That in itself, was fucking torture if it was the one about the cat.) "Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Did you even know that wasn't me?" Lucifer put the plate of food on his lap as he wrapped his arms around Charlie, holding her close. Charlie hugged him back, tightly.
"Dad, I'm fine. I promise. But..." She took a deep breath, sitting in the chair that Cain had pulled up. "You're going to get mad."
"Mad? At you? Never, crabapple." Lucifer grabbed her hand with his only good one, squeezing it. "You're perfect and I love you."
"Nooooooo," Charlie sucked air in through her teeth. "You're definitely going to be mad. But I need you to hear me out completely before you freak out, okay?" She squeezed his hand. She looked nervous she had that same expression she used to wear on her face whenever she did something bad as a child and she knew there would be consequences.
"I'm not going to 'freak out'."
"You are. And I am ready for that, but first I need you to listen without interrupting... Please?"
"O...kay?" Lucifer felt more concern than rage but he leaned back in the bed, still holding to Charlie's hand.
"I talked to Michael." Charlie's words were somewhat expected, but that didn't soften the blow any. Lucifer's hand tightened on his daughter's.
"Are you crazy!? You could have been killed-"
"I know, I know. But I really feel like if Michael wanted to kill us, he would have done it during the Shoggoth attack!" Charlie countered. It wasn't a good point, but Lucifer conceded that Michael didn't seem to want them dead. "You're already freaking out..." Charlie looked as if the wind had been taken out of her.
"Yeah, Charlie, I'm upset. I can't lose you."
"And I can't lose you!" She had tears in her eyes. "What if those things had killed you, then what? What was I going to do as Queen when I had no idea what Corruption was." So that is what this boiled down to. Charlie was tired of being tossed around and put off for answers, so she got them herself. It was a clever strategy if Lucifer ignore how fucking stupid it was. He took a deep breath, releasing her hand and putting his own hand back in his lap.
"Continue." His voice was cold, but calm.
"I told you that you were going to be mad." Charlie bit her lip. "But it's a good thing I talked to him because the Hell Liner got attacked and he had to, you know," Charlie made a motion similar to Michael when he would control that stupid flaming sword. Though why she was demonstrating with her left arm was a bit confusing. "Also, I am not authorized to ride the Hell Liner without you, so... maybe we could fix that?" She put her hands back in her lap.
Lucifer didn't answer her.
"Right." Charlie looked even more deflated as her fingers drummed on her knee. "Well, the ship is super damaged, so, you'll probably be hearing all about that from Jezebel soon. But Michael called Gabriel and he brought it back to port." That was a bit strange, why wouldn't Michael just... bring the ship himself? In fact, something about Charlie's wording bothered him.
"Like... on the phone?" Lucifer finally spoke up.
"Yeah? Like on the phone." Charlie was clearly taken aback by the question. "I got to see all of them, he called Uriel to help with the Hell Liner repairs, and he texted Raphael to come check on Vaggie and myself- who are fine by the way."
"You took Vaggie with you... to Purgatory?" Lucifer wasn't sure if that made the situation better or worse. He knew she had been with Charlie when the news caught up with them, but Lucifer hadn't realized there was a whole adventure that prefaced it. On the one hand, Charlie wasn't by herself, she was with someone who understood the dangers of both Heaven and Purgatory. On the other, she had just put them both in danger. Vaggie didn't stand a chance against Michael. Lucifer himself had barely stood against the big blue asshole.
"Yes, and Raphael said she has a very mild case of Corruption, but he gave her the Holy Water." Charlie straightened her back. "He said it could be from the Shoggoths. And I think it would be a really good idea to let him come back to Hell and finish treatments. Especially... for you." She took a deep breath. "And before you say anything about the Exterminations: Michael didn't know."
"Bull fucking shit." Lucifer's eyes narrowed. He had been quiet long enough.
"It's true, dad! I told him about them and he kind of freaked out."
"He's putting on a show, he's fucking with you. He's lying, Charlie. Heaven acts all pure and above that shit, but sometimes they're not. Sometimes they'll do bad things for the greater fucking good."
"I don't think he was lying. I know you think I'm just some unexperienced child- but I lived in Hell my whole life and I know-"
"You are an inexperienced child, Charlie! What if something had happened to you in Purgatory!?" Lucifer cut her off.
"I think it's called Port Gatory now, actually."
"I know what it's called!" Lucifer snapped. "Charlie, if you had been hurt or taken I would have had no way of knowing nevertheless sending you help. I could have done nothing but sit back obliviously while my daughter was ripped apart- or worse." Charlie faltered, visibly losing some of her earlier resolve.
"I didn't think-"
"You didn't think." Lucifer was mad, more so than he had ever been before- at least at Charlie. But the anger was just masking the fear inside him. His daughter was the only good fucking thing in Hell, and if he had lost her-
"I'm sorry!" Charlie's voice cracked. "But I don't want to lose you either! I have never seen you get hurt before and I got scared. I-" she wiped her cheek with her sleeve. "I'm sorry, okay?"
"Just... promise me you won't do anything like this again." Lucifer calmed his voice. He reached out, grabbing Charlie's hand again, squeezing it softly. He was still upset, livid, in fact, but he couldn't stand seeing his daughter cry. Charlie looked at his hand, sniffing quietly.
"I won't."
"You talk about being Queen one day, but a Queen cannot endanger herself the way you just did. Hell needs you. And what if something had happened to Vaggie?"
"Will you let Raphael continue his treatment?" Charlie cut him off. He could see the guilt in her expression. Lucifer sighed. After his talk with the Horsemen, and especially after what happened with Cain, he felt as if he couldn't ignore the problem any longer. Lucifer might, for the first time since Falling, need help from an outside source.
"It is not out of the question."
"Thank you." Charlie wrapped her arms around her father, leaning over so she could hug him tightly. He could feel the tears from her cheeks dropping onto his hair.
"But I want you to stay in Hell." Lucifer pushed her gently away. "No exceptions. And I am not adding you to the list of approved passengers for Purgatory-"
"Port Gatory." Charlie corrected quietly.
"Whatever." Lucifer snorted. "Not until you can prove to me that you understand the risks involved in going. I'm bed ridden right now, so I have nothing but time to put together some incredibly tedious presentations. And there will be homework too. Lots of it."
"Homework?" Charlie looked a little taken aback. "Don't you think I'm a little old for-"
"You wanted this. And you certainly haven't demonstrated maturity with your last little stunt. You are right, you will be Queen one day, and this has just showed me how incredibly underprepared you are." Lucifer took a deep breath. "Some of that is my fault." Ouch, admitting he was wrong, even partially, was like a blow to the gut for the Sin of Pride. But seeing how desperate Charlie had become, Lucifer knew he had to make a change or he was going to lose his daughter completely.
"FUCK!" Adam came running out of the bathroom and slid directly under Lucifer's bed. Charlie let out a small cry of shock as he had just popped out of nowhere. (Right, Lucifer hadn't explained Adam's power to her yet, either.)
"Was he just waiting in the bathroom!?"
"No. He can move through mirrors; he unlocked his Sinner power and it fucking sucks." Lucifer inhaled sharply as he leaned down to look under his bed where Adam was holed up like a fucking cat, lying flat on his stomach. "You good down there?" If it wasn't Lucifer's bed he had scurried under, the Devil might have laughed.
"No. No, I am not good! Thank you so much for asking." Adam glared up at him, his fingers digging into the plush carpet as he hunkered down.
"Yeah? You look a little spooked there." Lucifer mused. "This is the first time he's done this, by the way. I don't want you thinking this is something that happens frequently." The last thing he needed was Charlie thinking he harbored Adam of all people under his bed like a scared pet.
"Come here," Adam gestured for Lucifer to lean in closer. The Devil frowned.
"I literally can't. I'm fucking injured you sack of shit. So, tell me what you want or I am going to tell Charlie to drag you out from under there."
"I would too. In a heartbeat." Charlie nodded in agreement. Good to know that Lucifer's daughter had his back, despite their previous argument.
"No, no, no, don't you dare put me back outside. He is going to kill me." Adam scooted further back. This was worse than when children complained of monsters beneath their beds. Lucifer's monster had a mouth that wouldn't stop.
"Who? Lysander? I don't think he cares enough to kill you." There were not a lot of people in the house currently, so Adam's list of deadly threats was incredibly limited.
"Not Lysander! He fucking loves me, first of all." Adam looked a lot less like his overconfident self when he was cowering under a bed. "And also, I could kick his ass because I am crazy fucking powerful." Lucifer didn't try to hide his eye roll.
"Was it Quackers? Did you two have a fight?"
"No! Never! Quackers and I are like fucking brothers. He would never turn on me." Adam looked thoroughly offended by the suggestion.
"Then why the fuck are you hiding under my bed?" Lucifer was out of options. There was a gentle knock on his bedroom door and Adam scooted back even further.
"Shit!" Adam's wings popped out and he tried to hide behind them, but the narrow space under the bed made it hard for him to manipulate the white wing into place. The black wing was sticking up through the mattress like a fucking shark fin in water.
"Who's out there, Adam?" Lucifer hissed as he heard the knocking again.
"Who the fuck do you think!? Fucking Michael!" Adam grabbed the white wing by force with his clawed hands and pulled it in front of his face.
"You have a visitor!" Syn's chipper voice did little to contrast the paranoid air that had settled into the room.
Fuck.
Lucifer hadn't expected him back so soon. He leaned down a little further, using his tail to reach under the bed on the other side and gently poke Adam. "Quick question, I know you're panicking but, real fast: which arm did Michael use when he pulled you out of the mirror?"
"What!?" Adam peeked out between the feathers. "I don't fucking remember! What kind of question is that!?"
"Do your best." Lucifer's tail poked him again. Adam hesitated; the Devil could see him wracking his brain. He held out his own mismatched hands trying to get an idea.
"Left?"
"Cool, Jonagold," The Devil looked at his daughter. "What hand did he use with his sword?"
"Left, I think." Charlie, too, turned her gaze inward, deep in thought.
"Thank you." Lucifer struggled to sit back upright in his bed. "Come in." He forced a smile as the door opened and the room instantly got colder. Syn was flying circles around Michael's head, weaving in and out of his halos. "Michael." The ice in Lucifer's voice matched the currently plummeting temperature in the room.
"Lucifer." Michael bowed his head respectfully. "And Charlie!" Instantly he perked up and warmth started to return. "So good to see you! Sorry that I had to run off so quickly last time we met!"
"Oh! No problem." Charlie waved him off. "It's nice to see you again!"
"And... I'm guessing that's Adam?" Michael pointed to the black wing that was clipping through Lucifer's mattress like poorly rendered CGI. There was a muffled scream from under the bed and the wing vanished. Michael tilted his head down to look down under the bed where Adam was attempting to hide. "We need to talk."
"Nope!" Adam darted out from under the bed, trying to get past Michael but the Archangel grabbed the back of Adam's high collar so quickly the First man didn't even realize what had happened until he was being lifted into the air.
"Put him down!" Lucifer, instinctively, sprang into action. He didn't want Adam killed. As much of a pain as he was, he had been an even greater help. At least recently. (Lucifer wouldn't admit it openly, but he surprised himself with the ferocity of his words. He was even more shocked that he felt genuine concern for fucking Adam.)
"I need to ask him about the Exterminations." Michael didn't loosen his grip one bit on Adam and Lucifer felt himself getting more stressed. "Who ordered them?" Michael's voice took on its echoing, resonating tone.
"You did!" Adam was clearly scared. Lucifer saw him cover his ears, wincing at the sound of Michael's voice. "You're name's on the order!"
"And I was told that you got said order from me."
"I-I did?" Adam looked confused. Lucifer had seen this look before, especially when talking about the Exterminations.
"Where did the order come from, Adam?"
"I-I..." Adam couldn't get the words out. The temperature in the room had started to fall faster than Lucifer had when his wings had been ripped off his back. He could see the first man shivering the very breath from his lips crystalized on contact with the air.
"I need an answer, please."
"He doesn't remember!" Lucifer once again spoke up. Seeing Adam cowering like this... It left a bad taste in the Devil's mouth. (Obviously if anyone was going to do that to Adam, it should be him. Not Michael. How rude of Adam to be more scared of Lucifer's obnoxious baby brother, than of the Devil himself!? Yes! That was definitely the reason he was speaking up just now.) "I've talked to him about it before. He doesn't remember shit, and if you stress him out any more you're going to cause him to have another fucking episode and he'll try to bite someone. Then you'll undo all of Charlie's hard work at getting him purged of the Corruption."
"He doesn't remember?" Michael's voice returned to normal and he put Adam back on the ground. Adam went right to the opposite side of Lucifer's bed, putting the bedridden King in between him and the Archangel.
"No. He doesn't." Lucifer kept his voice firm, but calm.
"I think," Charlie put herself in front of Michael, clapping her hands together, "that dad is telling the truth. Adam's been a little unpredictable since he got here. And maybe if you want to ask him things, you might want to be a little less terrifying!"
"I'm not terrifying." Michael blinked. "I was made to be comforting."
"Well, a bit of constructive criticism," Charlie kept her voice cheerful and upbeat, "when you're making the room super-duper cold and using your big scary voice, some people might find that completely, and utterly terrifying."
"But I don't even have my sword out." Michael protested.
"Yes, you do." Charlie, Lucifer, and Adam all spoke in unison. Michael blinked, looking over his shoulder at the sword that was currently hovering, waiting for a command, icy flames of blue casting the Devil's room in otherworldly light as they danced.
"Oh. Huh. Would you look at that." The sword lowered as Michael seemed equally surprised by its existence. "Well, I wasn't gonna use it. It was just here for emotional sword-port." Lucifer took a moment to squint at the leader of Heaven's legions.
"Did you just make a fucking pun?"
"Maybe." Michael turned his attention to Charlie. "I'm actually so happy to see you, Charlie, I need to talk to you as well."
"With the sword?" Charlie took a step back.
"Oh, no. Sorry." The sword vanished as Michael gave a little laugh. "No, I want to talk to you about Cedric, Cedric Penhurst."
"Who?" Charlie looked a little uncertain. The name sounded a bit familiar to Lucifer, but he couldn't place it at the moment.
"Oh, right, he has another name down here, um," Michael faltered for a moment, trying to think. "Pentious?" The look of sadness in Charlie's eyes made Lucifer realize instantly about whom Michael was speaking. He saw Adam slink down more out of the corner of his eye as Charlie's shoulders fell and she nodded.
"Sir Pentious lived in my Hotel... I mean, I guess I never really told you about what I do for a living... but I was trying to rehabilitate Sinners. But... he's... gone now."
"Right, because he's with us." Michael nodded. Charlie looked genuinely confused.
"E-excuse me? What?"
"He's with us, in Heaven. I will say, during his life he was not the self-sacrificing type but this Hotel of yours might have some potential. With... incredible stipulations, but that's really not relevant to the conversation at hand-" Michael started to go off on a little tangent, (looks like his lack of people skills was still a thing) but Charlie stopped him.
"Pentious is alive!?"
"Well, none of us are really alive in the literal sense of the word, but he's up in Heaven as a Winner if that's what you mean." Fucking Michael and his inability to understand the nuances of a goddamn conversation. Lucifer wanted to strangle him, but at the same time, seeing Charlie's eyes fill with tears- this time of relief and joy- Lucifer was feeling joy right alongside her. Charlie started to cry, she grabbed Michael, who seemed surprised, but he took her into his arms and hugged her back. (THAT made Lucifer tense- but it did appear to be a hug, and NOT an attempt to break his daughter's spine in two.) Charlie let him go.
"I can't believe this! Thank you! THANK YOU!" She hugged him again, tighter. "I have to tell Vaggie! I-I have to tell EVERYBODY! I'll be back dad I just-AH!"
"Yeah," Lucifer did want to talk to Michael in private, this was for the best, "go tell your friends, apple bloom. I'll be here." Charlie raced toward the door, throwing it open as the natural sounds of Hell began to swell into music.
"Yes, we can talk more about the- oh a song- we can talk later." Michael stepped aside as Charlie danced out into the hallway. "And there she goes." He watched for a moment more before closing the door behind her. Syn joined her in the hallway, attempting to sing along. "That's fun. She likes to sing!" He did sound rather upbeat by the revelation. "She's quite good to."
"Adam, make sure Charlie doesn't need anything." Lucifer needed him out of the room as well. This conversation would be best between the two of them.
"But-" Adam was looking suspiciously at Michael.
"It's fine, I promise. Just go." Lucifer's tone was stern and Adam carefully inched his way out from behind Lucifer's bed, walking along the wall to keep a clear distance from Michael who gave him a cheerful little wave, before Adam bolted for the door, slamming it behind him. Michael turned his head to look after him while the eyes on his halos stayed locked on Lucifer.
"He seems skittish."
"You almost killed him, asshole." Lucifer struggled to sit up fully, gesturing for Michael to take a seat in the chair that had been sitting beside his bed since Cain had dragged it over. "But you're here now, it appears you didn't kidnap my daughter, so sit."
"Why would I kidnap your daughter?" Michael took a seat looking a tad offended by the comment. Lucifer frowned.
"I don't trust Heaven, Michael. After what you did to me, can you blame me?"
"If you're talking about the Exterminations, that wasn't approved by us. If you're talking about your Fall- Luci, you went behind our back to do something Heaven told you not to, then brought an entire army to overthrow us because 'you' meaning Lucifer- 'knew better'."
"Let's talk about the Exterminations and not that," Lucifer's response was rather harsh, cold, "okay? How does that sound?"
"Right." Michael reached in his pocket with his left hand, pulling out the Order of Extermination. Lucifer recognized it instantly; he had his own copy tossed in a can somewhere. He took it with his good hand, looking it over. "I want you to look at this."
"I see it. I have one too. Love the fancy font you used for the top of it, very elegant, really elevates the Death order."
"Look at the signature."
"Archangel Michael. Yep. I can still read. A real testament to Hell's education system."
"I mean that's technically something you would have learned in Heaven, so really it's a testament to Heaven's education system-"
"Was there a point to this, Michael?" Lucifer tried to shove the document back into the Archangel's hands but Michael wouldn't take it.
"That's not my signature."
"Well, it looks like it, Blue, I dunno what to tell you." Lucifer sighed heavily. "And it's not like I remember anything about your handwriting fucking because I haven't had to look at your stupid name- aside from this piece of garbage- in thousands upon thousands of-" Lucifer trailed off. No. That wasn't entirely true.
"Luci?"
"Don't call me that." The Devil snapped quickly. Stupid fucking nickname. Hearing Michael say it reminded him of the old days- and he hated being reminded of that shit. "Did you check out a book from Purgatory's library?"
"I think they're calling it: Port Gatory now-"
"Michael. Please. Answer the damn question."
"Y... yeah on Corruption. It was right before we left, if I recall." Michel's eyes all looked upward as he tried to remember. "I got a few, I think. But I returned them-"
"Go to my desk." Lucifer gestured behind where Michael was sitting to a desk, covered in old clothing and ducks. (Adam hadn't really cleaned this room. But in his defense, the First Man hadn't really had access to it until recently.) "There should be some books on it, bring them to me." Lucifer had read them through multiple times in his research. Michael stood up, pushing the ducks aside to discover the books underneath. He walked over, handing them to Lucifer. The devil sat them on his lap, flipping through until he saw the old Out Guide that he had rolled up and tucked away so he wouldn't have to look at Michael's stupid fucking name any longer. He would have thrown it out, but it seemed like it would just give Heaven a reason to kick him out of the Archive. Lucifer felt as if they were looking for anything to cut off his resources. He unfurled the paper, finding Michael's signature at the bottom and holding the Order of Extermination beside it. "Huh."
"Huh?" Michael parroted him, Lucifer glanced up, he could see the eyes in Michael's halo trying to peek at the papers in his hands.
"Do you call yourself Michael fucking Morningstar?" Lucifer squinted at the Archive's out guide again. Technically Michael had just written: Michael M. But that fucker was not creative enough to come up with something original.
"Well, yeah I thought that was how family names worked, right? We're brothers? We should have the same one-"
"We are not brothers." Lucifer snapped. "If anything, you're just a bad copy. They couldn't even get the nose right."
"But you don't have a-"
"Hey, Michael, why don't you shut the fuck up and let me look at this? Huh? How does that sound?" Lucifer had to take a deep breath again. There was something about Michael. Something about seeing him, seeing how he was still sooooo beloved in Heaven that drove him fucking crazy. Michael's very existence was like a burning knife (or sword, if you wanted to be historically accurate) slicing into Lucifer's Pride.
"You're the one who asked me the question." Michael grumbled more to himself as he sat back in the chair, swinging his feet idly and waiting for Lucifer to finish what he was doing. The Devil had to ignore the asshole in the room, and looked again at the signatures. The good thing about being King of Hell, was that Lucifer had all the forgers he could ever want. He was no stranger to the crime, and, upon closer inspection, that was exactly what he was looking at. The signatures were close, incredibly close, but they did not match. They were not written by the same hand. But damn if it couldn't fool most people- especially the blindly trusting assholes that lived Upstairs who didn't (typically) have to worry about this shit. (Not like Lucifer. People forged HIS name all the goddamn time- with varying degrees of success.)
"Hey, Michael, answer me something." Lucifer's eyes flickered from the paper, to the wing-chopping shit head sitting on the chair beside him. "What was the last thing we talked about before the Rebellion?" Michael blinked all of his eyes. (Only the eyes on his face blinked in unison, the eyes in the Halos closed one at a time.)
"What?"
"Before we fought outside the gates, we had a conversation, just the two of us. What did we talk about?"
"Luc, I really don't like thinking about all of that-"
"Answer the question." Lucifer's tone was perfectly calm.
"Yeah but-"
"The question, Michael."
"You mean right before it happened?"
"Yes. The last thing we discussed."
"The platypus."
"What?" Lucifer paused for a moment. That was NOT the conversation he had meant. He had to think back himself. It had been so long since he had reflected on those days. The conversation he obsessed over, seethed over had been that morning. He had come into Michael's room to recruit him, to make him understand-
But...
No.
There had been another conversation, hadn't there? That afternoon, they had run into one another in the hallway at work and they had talked about...
The fucking platypus.
"Yeah, we were talking about why it lays eggs but produces milk for its young and whether or not someone got their wires crossed in the creation department that day. And then that lead to the whole tomato: fruit versus vegetable debate." Michael met his gaze. "And then you told me, 'I'll see you tomorrow, baby blue'. But the next time I saw you... was the Rebellion." Wow. Okay, so maybe that was really Michael, and maybe Michael remembered the day before everything fell apart a little better than Lucifer had.
"Well... you're definitely the real Michael." Lucifer frowned.
"Why... wouldn't I be?"
"Because you've always favored your right side." Lucifer had been watching him, carefully, the entire time they had been together. Even reflecting on the Shoggoth fight, Michael had definitely been, predominantly, using his left. "And Charlie said you called Gabriel, like on the phone. The Arcs are telepathic. I know. I used to lead that little club of yours before you unsanctimoniously tossed me out on my ass."
"Gabe was in Heaven; I was in Port Gatory. It was just far away."
"Not how it works. Again, I know. I used to be able to do it too. So, my first thought was: That's not really Michael! Obviously just some kind of doppelgänger sent to fill your role while you're out kissing babies and murdering the unholy. You know, whatever it is you do in your free time. I haven't seen you in a while I don't know if you got any new hobbies."
"I mean, I don't do any of that."
"But you're not some kind of convincing Michael-clone. And even if you were, I doubt the Arcs would stupid enough to be playing along with some fake-ass Eldritch abomination in Michael-clothing. I mean... maybe Gabe. But Uriel would have said something. So, then I thought, maybe Heaven just made a new Michael, I mean we're all replaceable pawns in their big game, aren't we?" The Devil laughed but it was devoid of any actual humor. "But that doesn't seem right either because you remember our conversation, and also, why not just make a new Azrael if it's so easy to create perfect replicas?" It wasn't, was the short answer. Michael and Lucifer were Heaven's closest thing to perfect replicas and everyone with a single braincell could see how that had gone.
"We're not pawns."
"The denial also makes me think you're really Michael. So then... what's with all the weird behavior... unless..." Lucifer's eyes widened a moment. He squinted at Michael sitting across from him, the eyes in the halos squinted back at him.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I hate you. But also-" Lucifer knocked the books onto the floor. "Oops."
"Careful." Michael knelt down to pick them up. Lucifer reached to grab his arm but Michael caught Lucifer's only good hand in his left hand. "What are you doing?"
"This." While Michael had reached to stop Lucifer's hand, the Devil had wrapped his tail around Michael's right wrist and pulled with all his strength. There was a cry of pain and Michael dropped the books on the floor. Lucifer froze. "Holy fuck." The devil felt his mouth go dry, his eyes widened as he looked Michael up and down. "You're injured."
A/N: If there is a delay in updates, it's because of bad weather in my area. HOPEFULLY, there won't be an issue.(Assuming we get internet/power back- I am posting from a family member's house tonight :P) But I'm giving you guys the heads up that it's possible. That's why this chapter is a bit shorter than usual! Hopefully you still enjoy it! :3
