8. PRESENT DAY

It's been two weeks since the funeral and you still don't know what to do with yourself. Bruno has been very quiet and much more in his own little world than normal, and Sofia keeps asking when mama is coming home. You have tried to tell her that she is actually never coming back, but that young ans stubborn daughter of yours is convinced she can summon her back if she keeps insisting. You don't have the heart to tell her that there are things that simply can't happen even if you desire them enough. Trying to keep your family afloat is taking all of your energy. You have realised you need to take care of yourself too or you'll end up consumed by the abyss of darkness and depression.

You have been fully aware for a very, very long time of how helpful therapy can actually be, so you decide to give it a try. You know you could always count on Quinn, but the point is: she is also devastated for her loss. You can't just throw all your feelings on her when she is still dealing with her own. You simply can't. It wouldn't be fair for her. She needs time to grief too.

That's why you are sitting at an elegant but homey feeling waiting room. You made an appointment with a psychologist specialised in loss and grieving, since that is what you need the most right now: tools to deal with your situation. When you made your appointment you had to answer a few ground questions, and also you had Quinn send this therapist all your files, so she knows why you are here and what is going on with your life. You just hope she is just as good as everyone says she is.

"Mrs. Lopez-Pierce?" A soft voice takes you out of your own mind and you perk up at the sound of your name, finding a short, brunette woman standing at the threshold of a door that you can only assume is your office. "I'm Rachel Berry, please, come in." She bribes you in politely. She must be around your age, and she is dressed elegantly in earth coloured clothes. For some reason that makes you feel comfortable.

Once you are inside the room, Rachel points you towards a comfortable looking couch, while she takes a seat on an opposite armchair.

"I'm very sorry for your loss." Is the first thing she says after a couple of minutes of silence. She has an aura of tranquillity that you really appreciate, and she is not rushing you into talking. You like her, for now at least.

"Thank you." You reply softly, casting your eyes down to the ground. Not really sure how to address all that's going on in your mind right now.

"You told me on the phone that you were the one who found her body. Is that correct?" She asks as she subtly plays with the pen between her fingers.

You let out a strangled "Yea..." as you feel your eyes starting to sting and collect some unwashed tears. You really thought you had run out of those after all the crying that has been going on night after night.

"Do you want to talk about that day?"

"I'm...not ready for that yet..." You almost whisper, taking a deep breath to calm down.

"Okay. Why don't you tell me when you two fell in love?"

That question makes you smile softly.

"I fell in love with her so many times over these twenty years..." You trail off, letting out a soft chuckle as some of your best memories of her float through your mind.

"Beautiful." Rachel says with a giggle. "Right, then tell me when was the first time you realised you were in love with her."

"Probably the first night we spent together." You answer, clearing your throat.

"You mean intimately?"

"No, that took us a little longer." You say, feeling the slight warmth of a blush forming on your cheeks. "The first night we spent together was actually the first time we met." You add.

"Love at first sight?"

"Do you believe in that?" You scoff.

"Scientifically speaking, no. There is nothing that proves it's existence, no hormonal reactions, no extra brain stimulation, nothing. But personally, as a matter of fact, I do. That's what happened to me and my late fiance. Never got that feeling again, though, not even with my current partner, that was more of a slow-burn thing." She explains with a kind smile. You kind of stare at her. You asked a yes or no question and she gave you a whole damn speech.

With a slow blink, you decide to be polite.

"Oh. I'm sorry." You say, she just said she lost a fiance too, so you guess that's the best way to go. Her only reaction is to nod gratefully.

"So, tell me how are you feeling now." She continues.

"I feel...broken." You say, your mood falling again. "Like I can't function anymore without her. I feel like an automaton. I move because I have to, our children can't take care of themselves, so I'm doing my best."

"That's a very common feeling. You lost your other half, a very important part of your life. Something is obviously missing." She validates you, and it makes you feel somewhat better to know that you are not the only person in this world who has felt this way. Duh, you already knew that, but hearing it from a person who doesn't know you, and didn't know your wife feels good.

"I haven't had time to fully grief her." You admit, again finding that extremely interesting spot on the floor you've been staring at every now and again.

"Well, you should. Mourning is the first step of recovery." She says, and you instantly wonder how you are going to do that when you have two kids that need you to be their rock. They lost their mother after all. "My advice is that you take some time to yourself, alone, and let yourself just feel. It's not bad to feel sad, or angry, or desperate. The bad thing is to bottle up those feelings and never pay attention to them."

"I've learnt that the hard way." You mutter with a snicker.

"Unfortunately we have run out of time, but please, consider my advice." She says kindly as she stands up, offering you her hand to shake. "Same time next week?" She asks as you shake her hand and you nod. You didn't accomplish so much today, but you already feel lighter. Having someone to talk to is really helpful.

You leave Rachel's office deeply thinking about what she said. You guess you could ask Mike and his wife to watch your kids for a couple of nights, they have a son about Sofia's age after all. And you really do need some time alone.

And you have the perfect place to go. The cabin in the woods you two own. It's quiet, it's beautiful, it's isolated. You haven't even thought about that place since her passing, because it brings you memories that are equally beautiful and hurtful, but it will be the perfect place to let yourself open and accept that she is never coming back.