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chapter twenty-nine.

The bell had rung ten prior minutes but Emilia had insisted to Lily that they did not need to leave until the latter had finished scanning over Emilia's essay for Defence Against the Dark Arts, helping her write the conclusion until both were satisfied, or at least knew that Henrik would give her a score good enough to scrape by. By the time they were ready to leave, the corridors were all but empty save for a few stragglers; Emilia desperately tried to pretend she could not feel the wandering glances thrown their way and wondered if Lily could feel them too, but if she did, she gave no inclination.

"Thank God, that's done! I feel like I'll be able to sleep easy tonight, now. Honestly, Emilia, you saved my life, I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you," Lily gushed, stretching her arms over her head to pop the crick nestled in her spine from spending the past hour hunched over a table; they had spent the past hour after being shooed away from the infirmary huddled in a corner, away from the shrewd glares of a certain librarian that Emilia was sure had never forgiven her since Sirius had caused the ruckus with the Slytherins months ago.

Lily had to stifle a chortle bursting out of her when Emilia had relayed the story to her and said that sounds like Sirius alright, and had passed along her condolences to Emilia for having to soldier through the rest of the year knowing she was in Pince's bad books. "It's okay. I'm glad I could help."

"I was so worried because Henrik absolutely tore apart my last essay to shreds with his remarks. I'd like to see him try and find anything wrong this time," Lily declared with astute determination, hiking the strap of her bag up her shoulder and patting it fondly, treasuring the piece of paper they had both poured themselves into.

They walked along side each other, and Emilia tried not to recoil as she caught a glimpse of a gaggle of Fourth Years pointing at the two of them and murmuring with one another in hushed whispers. Even after all this time, she would never get used to being a part of the public consciousness. "Well, if he does, don't blame me."

"I doubt it, your essay was so much better than mine. Last thing I need is to get bad marks otherwise I doubt my parents will have calmed down by Christmas time," Lily grimaced at the prospect, with only a short two weeks left before the school shipped the students home until after the New Year, suppressing a shudder at what was awaiting for her when she arrived back in her old home. At least Emilia was lucky enough to know that all that would be there for her when she got back was a key under a potted plant and an echoing chamber disguised as a home.

She didn't feel that watered down excitement that she used to when Christmas used to loom over her; Christmas was always spent in an empty house and spending time with her neighbour and her array of dogs that would yip and bark constantly at any sudden movements. But two weeks away from Hogwarts meant two weeks virtually on her own and not hearing the certain chattering of a voice constantly in her years. Her Christmas spirit was especially lacking this year. "Are you excited to go home for Christmas?"

"So excited. I miss them a lot, and my sister. She tries to pretend she isn't interested in magic until I bring her sweets back from Honeydukes," Lily told her as they turned a corner, drawing closer to the Great Hall but there was no bite of hunger in Emilia's stomach. She doubted she would be able to hold anything down with the nerves ravaging her insides. "What are you doing for Christmas?"

"Nothing special. My aunt and uncle usually go on holidays, so I mostly spend time with my neighbour, Mrs. Halabi. She doesn't celebrate Christmas but she used to mind me a lot when I was little so she likes to have me over whenever she can." It was the only silver lining in the dark clouds that were brewing; she had spent most of summer with Mrs. Halabi, more time than previous holidays due to Mrs. Halabi's instance. Not that Emilia nor her aunt complained as it meant more time out of the house and more time away from each other.

"That's so nice. Sometimes my family can drive me around the bend, and I always find myself wishing for school to start again by the end of the holidays," Lily snorted, and then perked up, sucking in a gasp and her hand wrapped around Emilia's arm, a grin spilling across her pretty face. "You should give me your address so I can write to you!"

Emilia was sure her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "Really?"

Lily nodded enthusiastically, using the chance to loop her arm with Emilia's, linking them close together and their footsteps fell into the same beat as they walked. "Of course! I know you don't have an owl and the post won't be as fast because of Christmas, so it'd be easier for me to send my owl."

A flush crawled up the collar of her shirt and Emilia felt her heart do a tumble within her; Lily wanted to write to her? Emilia doubted she would be a great conversationalist with the pen just as she was with her voice, but it was easier to write than it was to speak since people were not as judgemental when one took their time to craft a response. She would be kept busy, that was for sure; first Sirius, and now Lily. How would she have any time in between them?

"I… I would like that."

"Great!" Lily beamed, like Emilia had made her entire day. The heat in her cheeks became nigh on unbearable at seeing the reaction, unsure of what she had done to receive such a smile. The sounds of gathering students became more prevalent the further they delved closer to the Great Hall and had it not been for the arm wrapped around her own, Emilia would have had half a mind to turn tail and scuttle back to the Gryffindor Tower, anxiety settling into her veins like sludge. Lily, on the other hand, seemed completely unaffected. "Thank God it's lunch time, I'm starved."

"Aren't you worried that people will talk?" Her nerves were sending her on edge and she didn't trust herself not to throw up anything she tried shoving down her gullet.

"Let them, I don't care. If anyone should be worried, it should be Elissa and her little friends," Lily scoffed, half a snarl lingering in her voice as though daring for the universe to start testing her. They neared the entrance and already the noise and chatter of the Great Hall was about to make Emilia faint with anxiety but Lily's arm looped around hers served as a reminder of reality, feet planted firmly on the ground. "We just walk in with our heads held high. We have nothing to be ashamed about."

Emilia wasn't inclined to believe her but she had little choice in the matter.

Lily sauntered into the Great Hall, paying no heed to the flash of eyes that stuck to her immediately at her entrance; at least Emilia didn't have to bear the brunt of the attention, the weight of it halved as she remained on Lily's arm. Without realising it, her own eyes were acting of their own accord as they washed over the length of the Gryffindor table to find a mop of black hair that remained absent.

Sirius wasn't there. And she had no idea where he could be.

Her heart drooped down into her chest at noticing his failure to appear; she wondered what it was that could possibly be keeping him away from his favourite time of day. Was he up to something once more? She never wanted to involve herself in any of his or his friends' pranks or tricks, but there was an uncomfortable feeling sticking to the inside of her chest at realising he was not there waiting for her. There was no sign of James or Remus or Peter either, though she had grown accustomed to the latter's lack of presence since she had become convinced he was deadset on avoiding her at all costs.

Where could he be? What could he be doing? Why did it bother her so much? She needed to get a grip of herself; since when did she start deflating at the prospect of Sirius not being there?

"Look at what the cat dragged in!" came a girlish shout and Emilia's eyes darted about the place until she spotted a hand waving above the sea of heads, attached to a familiar face - Mary McDonald, Keeper for Gryffindor and resident snorer of the girls' dorm. She was grinning ear to ear, ignoring Marlene McKinnon sitting next to her as the girl miserably failed as she tried to pull her down into her seat in order to stop the array of odd glances in their direction. Lily returned the wave with a muted one, giving Emilia no time to wriggle herself free as she all but dragged the both of them to the table with eagerness, Emilia forced to reluctantly comply as she swung her legs over the bench to sit herself down in front of the other two Gryffindor girls. "Lily! Emilia! You two are my heroes!"

This was not the first time Mary had tried talking to Emilia, but it might be the first time where the potential for a conversation could sprout; Emilia had spent all of her years at Hogwarts prior to Seventh Year with her head down and voice to herself, unable to return the odd greetings thrown her way. She felt bashful now that she was before them, wondering if they were remembering it too, remembering the times their attempts to chat were met with a blank face and a lack of reciprocation, but if they did, Emilia could spy no evidence of it, nor any grudges they held against her for it.

It wasn't as if she didn't want friends, but she just… didn't know how. Personality like wet cardboard, and the appearance of it too according to her aunt. She had wasted so many years watching from the outside in, desperately craving what came so easily to other girls her age; friends, giggles, gossip, first kisses, first loves, the mundane existence that was girlhood. It had always been out of her reach before now. And it had been no one's fault but her own.

And yet, here she was: sitting across from Marlene and Mary, Lily at her side still with her arm wound around her own like she knew that Emilia was still entertaining the thought of escaping but refused to let her have the chance of opportunity.

"We are?" Emilia asked cautiously, fearing that at any moment they might tell her to sod off.

But it became more unlikely as the seconds trickled on by, Mary shoving food into her mouth in a manner that would give James a run for his galleons, Marlene snorting in amusement and looking at the two girls opposite her with a level of respect.

"That bitch Marina had it coming to her for so long," Marlene proclaimed, not caring who might hear her speak with such ferocity. Mary nodded in agreement, unable to speak as she chewed into a chunk of a sausage. "She always thought she was untouchable because of her stupid family, now she's going to have the Glass family after her. Her father is going to be so pissed off."

Mary moved her head with enthusiasm, taking a brief moment to survey the space around them so that there were no eavesdropping ears trying to force apart the private conversation; then, she leaned forward, gesturing for the two opposite her to do the same and kept her voice low enough so that only they could hear what was being said. "My da even told me that he recently got demoted for saying less than acceptable things in the Ministry."

Emilia did not bother with feigning surprise at the revelation; it was natural, she supposed, for a child raised in that environment to swallow everything their parents said without a shadow of a doubt clouding their mind from the reality of the world. She might have extended sympathy towards Marina for being denied the chance to ever see the world from the cage she was trapped in, but knew that it would be a waste of her emotions to do so. At what point did children stop being victims to their parents' control, and at what point did they begin to be just as responsible for instigating the continuation of the cycle? When do children stop being innocent?

Maybe in another world, that could have been Sirius. But, no, not him. Never Sirius. He had told her as such; a sapling born from the seed of another tree was never responsible for its death and ruination. There was no sympathy to be given for people like Marina.

Lily scoffed bitterly, piling her plate up with food and pouring herself some tea. "Doesn't surprise me then with how she turned out to be,"

"Such a cunt. I swear, if I died now, I would die happy after seeing her walking around with her tooth knocked out of her big gob," Mary responded like mindedly.

Speaking of Marina, there was no sign of her in the Great Hall either. She had no idea if the girl was still in the infirmary or if she was released at Madam Pomfrey's satisfaction towards her recuperation, but she could not spot the auburn hair belonging to Marina wandering through the hall. Emilia half feared that she was waiting in the dorms, or perhaps McGonagall had finally decided to take action with what Lily and Emilia had told her.

For some reason, in the deep recesses of her mind, Sirius' voice echoed back to her - I won't hold my breath. She's such a snake, she'll manage to slither her way free without getting any kind of punishment. Could he be right? It was impossible to tell; but if there was anyone who would know best about the rules and punishments and how to wriggle free from any consequences, it would be Sirius.

"What did McGonagall say to you? Are you both going to be in big trouble for what happened?" Marlene questioned, and even though she had addressed both of the girls in front of her, her gaze remained only on Emilia. Had she noticed Emilia's lack of participation? Hardly. Usually when she was with Sirius and his friends, she was more than happy to let them take control of the conversation and pipe up when she was given the opportunity to do so.

But this was different, talking with other girls was different; there was no scramble to say their piece before another person could change the subject or to get a leg up on someone else. Her attention didn't feel split into four different topics, trying to keep up with them all at once as often was the case when she sat with Sirius and his friends. It was different, but a good different. It felt… nice. Was this what she had been so afraid of for so long? How many years of friendship had she missed out on because she always feared that her inept skills of conversation would hold her back and weigh her down?

But Marlene was watching, waiting, letting her take her time. Lily, too.

Emilia shifted in her seat, ignoring the heat in her cheeks that was not commented on. Sirius always loved to point out whenever her face turned pink. "Not sure. She didn't tell us what our punishment is, but we're to report to her tomorrow morning."

"No fuckin' way she can get away with it now, not after everyone hearing about her picking on Amanda's cousin," Mary spat, pulling a disgusted face at the possibility her own words might be spoken into reality. Emilia wanted to believe her, but continuing in her mind was the broken record of Sirius' voice that tempered her ability to hope.

Marlene gave a hum in disagreement, features screwing up as she mimicked Emilia's own vein of thought. "I'm sure she'll spin a narrative from another dimension where she's the perfect victim somehow."

"Please don't jinx it, I can't cope," Lily groaned, waving a hand in front of her to swat away Marlene's words. She sucked in a breath as though to calm herself. "At least we're good for today."

Lily had a strange definition of what was good but she wasn't about to disagree about their different perspectives. Marlene shrugged, and then once more brought her eyes to Emilia, a smile flowing across her beautiful face as she brought herself closer across the space between them. "Emilia, I swear I never thought that it would be possible for anyone to tackle Katya Jayce like that from the way she's built. I honestly didn't believe it when I got told! I heard you did some serious damage and got out with barely even a scratch!"

If Emilia was pink before, she must resemble a cherry by now as she tried not to chafe beneath the compliment given to her. She hadn't realised that he had done anything that was praiseworthy but from the way Marlene and Mary were looking at her, it was giving the impression she ought to be proud of what she had done. She wouldn't say she got out without a scratch, not to mention Katya had done most of the damage wrought upon her face due to her own clumsiness, but she supposed she could take some credit for it. "It wasn't easy."

A bout of giggles spilled out of Mary, unable to hide her humour at the situation, dreamily staring off as though she was trying to imagine the entire ordeal. "Oh, I bet. Not only does she have the personality of a brick wall, she's built like one too."

"You're so mean," Lily chastised but it lacked any conviction, her cup of tea barely hiding the snide grin that was curving around the ceramic rim.

Mary snorted. "She jumped in to help Marina I heard, so I don't feel bad. She's just as bad at that ginger slag."

"It was about time someone put Marina in her place and I can't believe it was Amanda Glass of all people," Marline remarked and Emilia didn't have time to stop the curious glance she threw in the other girl's direction that was caught immediately; was there a reason for the source of surprise towards Amanda's actions? All she knew about her Potions partner was that she liked to dot her letters with little hearts and that she had a penchant for staring at their fellow table mate, Thomas Kinley, during class. Marlene, noticing Emilia's puzzlement, waved them all in, cupping her hand around her mouth to stop her voice from carrying too far. "Amanda's family is majorly rich and influential, not to mention one of the oldest pureblood family lines, too. Her aunt married a muggle and it was a big scandal with the other old purebloods. Amanda and Isabella's family cut off contact with everyone because of it. They're all super protective of Isabella, so I'm honestly surprised Marina thought she could get away with it."

Emilia blinked in shock at the information given to her; it was natural to assume that most, if not all, Slytherins were descended from pureblood lines, and Amanda had not escaped that belief. But, unlike the growing number of her silver and green compatriots (though Emilia now knew it extended beyond the confines of such colours), Amanda had always been quite nice and never sneered mudblood or slung profanities in Emilia's direction.

And for that, it was enough for Emilia to risk her educational career to help her out in the moment of battle.

"I had no idea."

"They try to keep hush hush about it for Isabella's sake, apparently," Mary continued on. "Amanda's da nearly got into a duel because someone had been talking shite about his sister marrying a muggle, so you can imagine what he'll do once he finds out someone's been picking on his favourite niece."

"Good to know they're not all crazy pureblood fanatics," Lily murmured to herself, the sound almost a sighing breeze as she spoke. Maybe not all of them were one of the whispered shadows lingering in the darkness that was growing outside of Hogwarts, but it was an illness that was seeping into the castle grounds to an extent that Emilia herself was growing more cautious of her own fellow classmates, suspicion sinking its fangs into her. If Marina could break the mould and be just as those pureblood believers, who's to say that there weren't any more that were not as obvious?

There was no black and white, not anymore. It was a childish view to have, to believe that something sinister would present itself so easily. Ignoring its existence and remaining complacent to its infection could no longer shield her; could she truly remain so ignorant by burying her head in the sand and hoping that the storm would pass by her?

A laugh broke Emilia from her thoughts as Marlene cast a knowing gaze onto Lily.

"Potter wasn't evidence enough?" she said, waggling her brows in Lily's direction, the red head girl's face casting aside its usual pale colour so that it could be adorned with splotches of pink, crowning her with garnet. "He visited you in the infirmary, didn't he?"

Lily pretended to ruminate on the question, ignoring the propping stare both of her friends were drilling into her, letting them suffer just a little bit as retribution for asking such a question. Emilia wasn't sure why they were looking at Lily in such a way, or why Lily's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Maybe."

Mary chortled at the short response, elbowing Marlene as Emilia continued to remain out of the loop, though she was not spared long as both quickly turned to her with that same look in their eyes, their smiles not as innocent as they tried to make them appear. She felt herself bristle beneath such gazes, like she was being accused of something she was innocent of doing.

"And I heard he wasn't alone, a certain member of the Black family was there, too," Marlene remarked and Emilia could tell she was trying to convey something behind unspoken words but what it was, she did not know; Emilia didn't understand why people spoke in such rhymes and riddles all the time instead of speaking aloud what they truly wished to say.

It was confounding and ate away at her because Lily tried shushing her friend, understanding where Emilia failed in doing so. There it was again - that ever present knowledge that, no matter how hard she tried, there were things that would always remain out of her grasp no matter how much she wished for it to not be because people expected her to just know instead of saying what they truly meant. It burned her, blistering her insides; maybe she was just born wrong, born upside down and inside out and then put back together but the doctors forgot some pieces of her when they were trying to make her whole again.

It was the same no matter who she was with; it was the same with Sirius, with his friends, with the teachers, her aunt and her uncle, Lily, Marlene, everyone. It wasn't them that was the problem - it was her.

Emilia dipped her head, unable to wrap her head around the implication that she existed in Marlene's voice but could not put a name to it no matter how much she desperately tried to and her growing irritation at herself worsened. She couldn't comprehend why Marlene was peering at her in such a way, or why Mary's smile didn't make her feel at ease, all she knew was that it was wrong - they were trying to say something about Sirius without doing so outright. She didn't like that. Marina had done it too, those cutting remarks and snide comments that squeezed her heart because it was all untrue and Sirius was her friend and he would never think about her like that even if nature bent its form and did the same for him too.

"He's my friend." It was all she could respond with and Mary gave a noise of amusement, shaking her head like Emilia couldn't see what they all could, blind to a world that was not made for her to know. Her heart was shrivelling up inside of her.

"Oh yeah, because I definitely didn't see Sirius Black sprinting down the halls to the infirmary like a fire was lit beneath his ass when he heard about you two being involved in a scrap," Mary sniggered, completely unaware that Lily had her sharp gaze trained on her, trying convey what words could not. "You two are going to collectively be the reason behind the pureblood heart attack epidemic."

"Your mouth is too big for your own good, Mary," Lily reprimanded with an edge to her tone, tutting at her friend. Lily turned to Emilia, appearing apologetic though Emilia couldn't tell why. "Don't mind her. She wasn't born with a filter like other people."

Mary was aghast at such a statement. "Ouch, Lily."

Lily stuck her tongue out at her friend, not at all ashamed by such a childish action before she began to pick at the food on her plate with one hand, twisting her teacup atop of the worn wooden top of the table, feigning great interest in the liquid swirling in tandem with the movement. "Where is Potter, by the way?"

A barking laughter escaped Marlene. "What happened to not giving a single shit about him?"

"I only meant - It's just a simple question! I didn't realise that it's illegal to ask questions now!" Lily defended, embarrassed at falling through on a previous promise, a fire in her eyes that glowed in her ears as she

Mary once more tore into her lunch, chewing on her sandwich and using her hand to cover her mouth as she spoke nonchalantly. "Last I saw, he and Sirius stalked off to the greenhouses with Amanda."

All heads, including Emilia's, snapped towards the girl who was surprised at the response to her statement. Emilia's face twitched with confusion as the information seeped into her; Sirius was with Amanda Glass? Whatever for? From what she could recall, she had never seen the two of them interact with one another, even on the fateful day in Potions when he had pushed her from being doused with her unfinished potion. In the infirmary, he never even said anything about meeting up with Amanda later that day, nor had he given any indication that he had it in his mind to do so.

So… why would he and James be talking with Amanda? What could they possibly be speaking about? Why would Sirius go off with Amanda, who had only ever shown an interest in Thomas Kinley with her blushes and stolen glances? Emilia might have been ignorant to things that came natural to others her age but not to her own stunted self, but she wasn't that stupid - Amanda liked Thomas, so why would she go off to speak with Sirius in private? Even though it wasn't technically private since it was also with James, yes, but…

No. This type of thinking was not good. What was wrong with her? Why was dread building up in her chest from hearing it? She wasn't Sirius' keeper, he could talk to anyone he wanted, he could go and talk to every girl on the planet and she wouldn't care one jot about it. She wouldn't.

"I'm sorry?" Lily spluttered, floored by the news as she stared at Mary like the girl had sprouted two heads and one was speaking fluent Russian and the other was singing the national anthem. "Potter and Sirius went to the greenhouses with Amanda?"

The stress Lily put on the meeting place between the odd group let Emilia know that going to the greenhouses had entirely different meaning than simply being the place that houses Herbology classes. It seemed Marlene knew too, as she screwed her face up in disgust.

"Ugh, they would hardly go off and do that in broad daylight," Marlene gagged, half retching at the thought of whatever that was. Emilia racked her brain, trying to scratch at a memory that should have told her why such a tone of voice was so familiar when it came of its own freewill and with the impact of a train hitting her. Marina had once asked Emilia what she had done to capture Sirius' friendship, had asked her what she had done because they were all girls and did you let him snog you at the back of the greenhouses? Her stomach opened up and greedily gobbled her plummeting heart as it disappeared, stilling as the memory slotted into the front of her mind and this time, Emilia was not left behind because even Lily looked aghast alongside Marlene. "Well. Potter wouldn't. Sirius on the other hand, now there's no chance that he'd pass up the opportunity to - "

"Don't say that," Lily swiftly interrupted, her gaze hardening on her friend who promptly closed her mouth and Emilia could feel the ghost of Lily's hand enclosing around her arm, squeezing it - but why? Marlene faltered, staring at her friend for a pause and then Emilia saw her flicker her eyes to her ever so briefly and her lips pressed together, turning back to Lily before dropping her attention to her food.

Not that Emilia cared.

She didn't care about any of it; she didn't care that she was lost, she didn't care that Lily's hand on her arm didn't feel as comforting as it had before, she didn't care that Sirius was at the back of the greenhouses doing God knows what and she didn't want to know what it was because she didn't care. She wasn't his keeper, she wasn't anything like that. He could do whatever he wanted. Peter had been wrong about her before when he talked about how Sirius brought all of the girls he dated to Madam Puddifoot's, because she and Sirius were friends, no more and no less. But it was the same scummy feeling then as it was now that clung to her, worming itself into the very marrow of her bones and making her feel as hollow within as she was without. Sirius could do whatever he wanted and she wouldn't care or stop him if that was what he wanted to do.

"It's not as if he hasn't done it before," Mary continued, oblivious to the atmosphere. "Like, remember that time Marlene and Sirius went off last year and almost got caught while them two were - "

"That doesn't matter," Marlene intervened before the sentence could be finished, her warm skin bursting like embers as she cleared her throat, reaching out to smack her friend across the arm. "Why are you only telling me this now? I can't believe you kept that to yourself for so long!"

"What do you mean for so long? That was, like, twenty minutes ago."

"Still," Marlene grumbled, arms over her chest and giving a huff.

Emilia trained her features and prayed that when she opened her mouth to speak, what little she had eaten that day wouldn't follow her voice as she unstuck her tongue from the roof of her increasingly dry mouth. "With Amanda? Why?"

"My galleons are on that they probably want all the gossip. They're just as bad as us sometimes," Marlene responded.

"As bad as Mary, you mean," Lily shot back.

"Maybe," Mary said but before another word could come out, her eyes focused away and grew wide, a strangled gasp tearing through her as she ducked her head, trying to hide her face as she reached an arm across to paw at Lily in order to get her attention. "Shit, there they are. Lily, you go ask them!"

Instantly, despite Mary's attempt at remaining incognito, all three girls whirled around to see said boys waltzing into the Great Hall, James in the middle of Remus and Peter, hands moving about him as he spoke in an animated fashion, their rapt attention kept on him as he spoke. One, two, three, but not a fourth. No Sirius. Even as the three boys wandered past where the girls' sat, no shadow followed after them as they took their place near the top of the table and away from everyone else. Emilia ignored that building sense of apprehension and alarm at Sirius' absence, trying to ignore the echoes of Marina's words and Mary's information in her ears.

He could be caught up doing something, or was in trouble with Filch for pulling another prank, or he could be in the Common Room, or - or - or -

Lily stiffly turned back into the table, hand covering her face as Mary had and shook her head vehemently.

"What? Why should I go?" she hissed, squeezing her eyes shut as she grew steadily redder with each passing second. "I can't even look at him, is my face red? It feels red. He'll start calling me a cherry if I go near him. Is he looking? Please tell me he isn't looking."

Marlene rolled her eyes and picked the only other victim sitting. "Emilia, you go!"

Emilia's eyes nearly bugged out of her chest as she pointed to herself, hoping that there was another girl in Hogwarts with the same name and she happened to be standing behind her. "Me?"

Mary moved her head in enthusiasm, trying to shoo Emilia off as Lily began to side with her friends, pushing Emilia to fulfil the quest that she had passed over on. "They'll tell you anything, more than they would tell Lily! Go ask them and then report back to us!"

"What? How?" Emilia asked, desperate for some instructions because she had never done this before and what if she was awful at it? Her legs were tangled together as Lily pushed her to her feet, eyes pleading with Emilia to succeed where she would have failed. They seemed to have grossly overestimated Emilia's friendship to the three boys but that did not deter them to make her do as they pleaded.

"Just be natural!" Lily advised in a hushed tone, gesturing for Emilia to make her way closer towards the spot where the boys sat, Marlene giving her a thumbs up in approval. Emilia gawked at them over her shoulder, nearly tripping over her feet as she moved, cheeks blazing the nearer she drew to them.

Just be natural? What the hell did that mean? She had rarely, if ever, spoken to them without Sirius there, save for that one time Remus had sat with her at lunch, and her guts were tying themselves into knots because she was too close now to run back to Lily with her tail between her leg; they had entrusted her with this for some reason, believing she could do a better job at it than any of them and Emilia might have felt cast aside were it not for the fact that when she risked taking a peek over at them, they were still shooting her grins and keeping their eyes on her at all times.

What was she going to do? What was she going to say? How would she even begin to -

Too late.

Emilia stopped at the spot on the bench before the three of them, Remus and James sat on one side and Peter alone the other that was closest to Emilia and once she had made an appearance they were all looking at her, the evidence of shock clear on the faces as a result she was without Sirius. She probably would have got the same reaction if she were without a leg and an arm.

"Hi," Emilia greeted, ignoring the way her voice wavered and held up a hand to give a small wave, wondering if they could tell how nervous she was.

If they did, they did not show it because James' grin grew immediately at the sight of her, Remus' own gleaming softly on his handsome, scarred face. Peter had twisted back into his seat to see her standing there and his reaction was akin to how one would react if they were caught on the toilet with their pants down by their ankles by Moaning Myrtle.

"Pomfrey let you out!" James exclaimed. Emilia moved with uncertainty as she decided that standing would only bring an air of awkwardness, deciding to occupy the only space available to her which was beside a staring Peter, smoothing her skirt beneath her and keeping her hands trapped beneath her thighs to hide their shake. "I honestly couldn't tell you had been in a fight. You look brand new."

"Thanks," Emilia said, easing the unsteady thumping of her heart; she had talked to them plenty of times before, and just because Sirius wasn't here, didn't mean that this time was any different.

"Glad to see you're not being shackled in the dungeons as punishment from McGonagall," Remus echoed James' sentiment. He looked better than he had in recent times, the exhaustion that was a permanence on him creeping away and the smears of blue and purple from fighting sleepless nights had eased somewhat. But Emilia knew it would return; there was an odd cycle to Remus' appearance, though she could never pinpoint when or what. It was probably just cramming in study and homework wherever he could when not saddled with Prefect duties.

"Me and Lily are to report to her tomorrow so she might still be considering that," Emilia explained, a dry humour about her as she spoke. If being shackled in the dungeons meant not having to see Marina, then she would gladly take it.

"I don't think she's ever let us off so easily before. Talk about favouritism, I thought that wasn't allowed with teachers," James grumbled, scratching his unkempt mop of hair, strands of it sticking about the place as though he was haunted by a constant cloud of static that refused to let his hair be calm.

Remus snorted. "As if you would ever be anyone's favourite regardless."

"I'm your favourite, aren't I?" James cooed, batting his eyelashes behind broken glasses and leaning up against his friend who was quick to shove him away from him.

"If I had to choose between ten people, you would at least make the list."

"That counts for something and I'll take it."

Emilia's mind was swimming with how fast the conversation had deviated and desperately tried to formulate a plan to bring it back to the purpose of why she was here, but wasn't given a breath to even force the question out of her; just as she was about to give up, something nudged at her side and she managed to stifle a jolt at the unexpected touch, turning to see Peter peering at her, brows brought close to one another. "Are you okay, Emilia? I heard about what happened, did you get hurt?"

Momentarily, Emilia was rendered speechless; she had not spoken to Peter since that day in Hogsmeade, not that she was given ample opportunity to do so as he tended to be everywhere else in the castle but around her when she was with Sirius and his friends. She couldn't understand Peter, nor his actions; one moment, he was hightailing it away, the next he was asking her if she was okay. That day in Hogsmeade when he had told her that Sirius would bring girls on dates all the time to Madam Puddifoot's and then in the same breath extended an invitation to go with him before immediately retracting it; he had every right to do so, quick to change his mind as all boys were wont to do, but that didn't make Emilia feel any more at ease.

But he didn't seem keen to avoid her now, in fact she felt the weight of his complete focus that was trained on her and it felt… odd. It was the only way to describe it.

Emilia recollected herself, forcing her body to relax as she offered him a soft smile that she hoped wasn't too demented. "Not much. Just a few bruises. Nothing Pomfrey couldn't handle."

Peter breathed a sigh of relief as his shoulders slumped, releasing the tension lingering there at hearing the news; he was absentmindedly pushing his food about the plate, smearing the porcelain with streaks of gravy as his fork scratched the surface ever so slightly but his eyes never strayed from her. "That's good. I'm glad that you're okay after it. I was concerned when I heard about it."

James' guffaw drove Emilia to look at him as he gnawed on his sandwich, barely even chewing before he swallowed it to speak. "Poor Peter looked close to crying when he got told!"

"I wasn't going to cry," Peter immediately refuted, his plump cheeks bleeding with embarrassment at being called out but Emilia didn't know why he would feel such a way towards James' words. If anything, it felt nice to know that the boy did feel some manner towards her, that he didn't hate her guts. But it still made him all that more confusing to understand as his actions never made any sense for her.

Remus wasn't inclined to agree with Peter's statement, pulling a face that showed doubt towards his friend's insistence. "You did look a bit teary-eyed."

Peter jabbed an accusing finger across the table at the bespectacled boy, trying to clear his name with a hint of desperation as he turned to Emilia, trying to declare his innocence. "Not as bad as James. He looked as though he was going to start bawling his eyes out!"

An offended gasp tore through James as he slammed his fist down on the table, rattling the cutlery as he did so. "What, no I wasn't! That's a lie!"

"He's got you there, Prongs," Remus chided, switching opinion as quickly as her aunt would switch out friend groups. He seemed all too happy to watch the argument evolving between his friends and to remain on the outskirts, soaking up the entertainment so long as he wasn't involved.

"Shut up, just because you don't have a girl who can handle herself in a fight doesn't mean you get to pick on me for having one," James countered, glowering at the blonde boy but it lacked any real heat.

Remus rolled his eyes. "She's hardly your girl. She's barely even your acquaintance."

"I'll have you know that Lily was very happy to see me when I went to visit her," James shot back in a taunting tone, swivelling his gaze back to Emilia and leaning over the table with rapt interest that she had not expected. "Did she say anything, Emilia? Is she okay? Does she need anything? I could get my mum to send me some medicine for her if she wants it."

The questions came too quick for her to understand them all, lapsing into a silence as Remus shook his head once more at James' behaviour, muttering too quietly to himself for Emilia to pick up what was said. James' tie nearly had a swim in the gravy bowl from the way he was across the table, waiting on edge for Emilia's response, unable to contain his expectation for it.

"No, she never mentioned anything. She's alright now so I don't think she'll need anything," she told him, though it must not have been the correct answer as James deflated slightly and fell back into his seat with the ghost of a pout about him, elbow propped up on the table top and cradling his hand with his cheek, mood turning downcast in an instant. Remus jabbed him with the point of his arm but James pretended not to notice, or was too caught up in what had turned him sour to acknowledge it.

Finally, a break in the conversation, enough time to do what she was sent here to do. She risked a glance back down towards the spot where Lily and the other two girls were sitting and found that they had not once taken their eyes off of the entire interaction, nodding their heads in approval to continue. Returning her attention once more to the boys, Emilia cleared her throat and shifted in her seat, trying to do as she was instructed: act natural. "Do you know where Sirius is?"

Peter was the first to react, a slight twitch about his soft features that Emilia couldn't put a name to but it washed away before she could study it further, turning to James who had taken to moping as he played with his food. "He was with you, wasn't he?"

"Key word 'was'. Amanda was telling us about what happened," James said in a despondent tone, relaying the information in a dead voice.

Peter frowned, his head tilting to the side ever so slightly in confusion. "Why would she tell you?"

"Why do you think? She didn't want shit from us after what happened to Lily and Emilia," James said as though it should have been the most obvious thing in the world to anyone with a working mind. Emilia's mouth parted to say anything in response, but couldn't dig her voice up from the bottom of her chest; what did James even mean? Why would Amanda tell them with such an intention? She hadn't done anything wrong, she wasn't even one of the ones that had been behind any of Emilia's bruises. "Anyways, Sirius might still be talking to her. Said she had something she wanted to say to him in private and I didn't ask."

Now that did pique Emilia's interest.

Again, that scummy feeling arose in Emilia, staining her mouth with a bitter taste as her chest constricted once more; she tried plugging her ears from the haunting whispers of Marlene's words, of Marina's sneers, blocking any possible image that might make her recoil at the prospect of anything happening behind the greenhouses with Sirius and Amanda. It was natural to react in such a way, no one wanted to imagine their friend in any sort of precarious situation of their accord, so that was why Emilia was taking great leaps and bounds to not think about it at all.

So why couldn't she drown that cutting sensation to her heart that was threatening to overwhelm her?

She didn't like it.

She didn't like it at all.

Remus' brows were quick to jump up his forehead, disappearing beneath the curtain of hair that shadowed his face as he all but broke his spine to face James, an air of astonishment settling about him at hearing his friend's words. "You didn't ask? You're the nosiest person to ever exist."

"Unlike some people sitting at this table - not you, Emilia - I happen to respect other people's privacy," James rebutted, shooting piercing glares at his two friends but sparing Emilia the burden of it. Little did he know that the only reason Emilia had sat with them was to contradict his statement that excluded her. It was nice to know he held her in some high regard.

Peter appeared doubtful. "Since when?"

James shrugged. "Since today."

"That won't last long," Remus said and James scowled at him, opening his mouth to shoot back a thorny remark that Emilia was not subject to hear as she felt that familiar nudge at her side once again, this time unable to smother the jolt that went through her as she jumped while turning to the source, only to find Peter's wide eyes glued to her face.

"I'm sorry that you got in trouble. And that you got hurt," he said in a gentle tone, and Emilia pulled herself from her daze at the fact that he was once more addressing her directly; she wondered if his earlier behaviour towards her was simply not a result of her presence, but something else that she was blind to, just out of reach from her understanding. There was nothing about Peter she could construe as being malicious; next to Remus, Peter was the most soft-spoken boy and probably even the nicest. He had always been kind to her when they took Care of Magical Creatures together, he had never bowled over her when she spoke, and even now he chose to speak with her as opposed to joining in on the ensuing bickering that was between an amused Remus and an offended James.

Would it last? Or would it be before long that he would once more pull his bizarre disappearing act whenever she was around? Emilia couldn't tell.

"Thanks, Peter. I'm okay now," she smiled and couldn't deny she did feel touched at his display of concern for her well-being despite how little they had spoken these last few months. Maybe she simply misunderstood his actions, she was prone to doing that.

Then, before she could speak another word, she felt Peter's hand grace up and place itself on her shoulder, resting there as he returned her smile with a small one of his one, his fingers giving the flesh there a squeeze but then electing to remain instead of pulling away; Emilia tried not to be rude and stare at the contact, but she found herself feeling that familiar itch that scratched at her, one she had not felt in such a long time because Sirius was always free with his touches; Sirius was always holding her hand, leaning against her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her tight to his side. He never gave her space when he sat down, pressed thigh to thigh and knotting his ankles beneath her legs if they were forced on opposite sides of a table from one another. She should be used to it by now.

She thought she was used to it.

But the presence of Peter's hand against her, even with the layers of clothing that prevented skin to skin contact, made Emilia chafe, bristling as she chastised herself inwardly; it was no different to Lily looping her arm through her own, it was no different to when Sirius would find any excuse to have them near to one another. It was an innocent display that was no different to any other time.

So why did it feel so?

Emilia trained her features to not show the discomfort that made her feel a sharp shot of guilt and shame within; Peter was only concerned and this was normal for people to do. It wasn't borne from malice or some evil intent, she shouldn't think such things about someone who was only ever nice to her.

"If you want to talk about it or anything, I'm here for you," Peter insisted, once more gently tightening his hold on her to stress how serious he was about it and Emilia did her best to not shake his hand off because she was only over reacting to it. Maybe it was her own prejudice, judging something as innocent as this simply because Peter wasn't a girl, simply because she didn't know him all that well, simply because he wasn't Sirius.

"Oh. Thank you, but I'm okay, really," she insisted, her hands caught beneath her thighs itching to wring themselves together in order to dispel the nervous energy brimming in her veins.

Peter's imploring eyes were trying to see past her words, like he wanted to delve into her mind to see if she was telling the truth. "Are you sure? I'm a good listener. I'd have to be to put up with them."

His head jutted in the direction of the two boys in front of them and to that statement, Emilia wholeheartedly agreed. "I get the feeling."

"Really? I guess we're alike then," he stated, a grin spilling across his face in delight at the realisation and then finally released Emilia, letting her shoulder free and she tried not to let the surge of relief get to her, ignoring the lingering warmth of his hand burn into her in a manner that was far different to when Sirius would spark embers beneath her skin. Across from them, Remus and James were continuing a heated debate that had long since deviated from their earlier one and she had half a mind to jump in on it but lost the chance to seize the opportunity. "It's a shame we didn't get to hang out together when we were in Hogsmeade."

That did bring Emilia up short because she hadn't anticipated for him to acknowledge it. Did he remember it all? Did he remember the drop in her face and the gloom about her when he talked about Madam Puddifoot's and how she must be going there with Sirius on a date but that wasn't true because she and Sirius were friends and it would be ridiculous for them to go there because they weren't on a date. The notion was laughable, ridiculous. Hurtful.

Peter appeared genuinely dejected at the fact they had not spent time together and seeing such a sight on his face spurred Emilia to make her offer. "Well, maybe we can do it next time if you'd like?"

"Yeah, I would. Only I don't think Sirius would be too happy about the two of us being alone together, he can get weird like that," Peter laughed emptily and Emilia was puzzled by his choice of words; why on earth would Sirius not be happy about it? He always insisted that she should spend more time with his friends and here she was, doing exactly that; what would be wrong about that?

"There's no problem with the two of us hanging out together," she said and Peter beamed, like she had given him something precious to treasure and it broke her heart to know that she had been thinking such unkind things about him before. Maybe Sirius had been right and she had suffered a concussion unbeknownst to her and Madam Pomfrey and she needed to -

Sirius.

She had not meant to pull back from the conversation but her eyes wandered of their own accord over Peter's head and felt her heart stumble and stutter to a stop as she spotted a recognisable figure wander through the entrance of the Great Hall; no more in his Quidditch gear, Sirius' robes swarmed him as he made his way through the tables, a vast distance away yet each step brought the beat in her chest back to life, stilling entirely at the sight of him. As he drew nearer, Emilia's eyes squinted to sharpen her focus and settled on his face, expecting to see his boyish grin etched across his mouth, but found none.

In fact, there was nothing about him that was even remotely similar to his usual humour that could be found there.

A frown tugged at the corner of Emilia's mouth as she observed him from where she sat; Sirius wore his heart on his sleeve, bared to the world that even she could comprehend and fathom his emotions where she might fail with others, but now… now she stared and found no source of any of that. His features were hardened, cold and clean cut and not at all the boy who would tease and taunt her, beaming at her all the while. Something was wrong, she knew that much. But what? She could not tell.

A world away, Peter's voice was muffled into the backdrop as he continued on, not noticing that Emilia was pulling away from him. "You're right! I know you like reading so maybe we can visit Tomes and Scrolls?"

"That's a good idea," she complied half heartedly, a tangle burgeoning in the confines of her chest; something had happened, something was wrong and Sirius' steps faltered ever so slightly and their eyes met - but she felt no warmth, she felt no flutter in her stomach, dying a death inside beyond her capabilities to prevent, embers withering to ash in the deepest pits within her. Sirius stared and a dull panic bloomed in her veins, cutting like ice and throat closing up because something was wrong and Emilia could not fathom why.

"And after we could go to the Three Broomsticks? You've never tried butterbeer, it's honestly the best," Peter chattered ever onwards, but Emilia could barely hear him beneath the sea of her own static that washed ashore in her ears. Sirius' brief pause at seeing her ended and he marched forward, casting glances at the ground as though he preferred the stones over the sight of her face.

"I'd like that," Emilia remarked off-handedly, knowing that her interest in the conversation was dwindling but she couldn't find it within herself to feel remorseful for not sharing the same enthusiasm for Peter's plans because she couldn't look away from an approaching Sirius, couldn't tear her eyes from his icy gaze, the winter chill clinging to his handsome features. Alarm was thick in her, sludge choking her ability to think rationally and she watched his feet eat up the distance between them, wanting to quicken its demise but she could spy Peter's face from her peripheral vision. She didn't want to give him any more reason to hate her, not after this. "Sorry, Peter, is it okay if I go talk to Sirius?"

"What?" Peter asked, turning back around only to see his friend approaching them and snapping away to drop his attention down to his forgotten food. "Oh. Yeah. That's good. We can plan another time, right?"

But Emilia was already untangling herself from the bench, trying to not tumble over it as she tossed him a wave that carried no energy. "Of course. I'll talk to you later."

She could not hear Peter's parting words as she began to drag her feet beneath her, uncertain and hands brought together in front of her, fingers wringing together like she wished she could delve within herself to untangle the twisting of her own guts that were scratching and clawing at her. Her lips were pressed together, this once familiar but now unrecognisable nervousness slinking into her veins as she drew nearer to Sirius, the racing of her thoughts burning in her skull as Sirius stalled, watching her approach and the apprehension in her chest unfurled, blooming with each step she took.

Then, she stopped short and their shadows overlapped, spilling across and forming together as one despite the space that existed between them.

"Hi," she said softly, the inches between them spiteful and Emilia smothered the urge to reach across the void forcing their bodies apart to grab a hold of him; the grey of his irises fractures against the sunlight as they remained trained on her face, cracks fused together and refusing her the right to see beyond the mask that had washed across him. Even now, the scent of pine and musk wafted and burned her lungs, everything about him filling her with his presence until there was nothing left of her.

Sirius' stared and his hands hung lamely at his sides, basking in the light of the winter sunlight that bathed him in a cool glow, unable to reach the shadows that marred his features. Her nails pricked the flesh of her hands, pressing crescent moons into the back of the skin as she tried to reign in the unbearable weight of her own thoughts.

"Hey," he scraped out, and then his jaw locked into place once more, wired shut like he was incapable of saying anymore. Or that he didn't trust himself to say more. She ignored the swelling of disappointment that pressed painfully against her ribs when she saw him flash his attention over her head to where his friends were sitting; a barely there action that might have been so momentary that went unheeded by anyone else, but not to Emilia.

The silence fell between them, a stifling presence that choked her as she tried to fill in the gaps and not sure why it suddenly felt so difficult; talking with Sirius was supposed to be easy, not… not like this.

"Madam Pomfrey said everything was okay, and not a concussion in sight," she continued on, trying to not let his disinterest get the better of her; she was overthinking it, burdening herself with silly thoughts and she was reading too much into it; how her skull managed to contain all that was racing within it, she had no idea.

"That's good," was all he replied with. Sirius having little to say was worrying in and of itself, let alone the way his beautiful features were warped, marred by an unknown expression that was fighting its way to the surface but barely held back.

"She said I can go back to class after lunch now. So there's nothing to worry about."

"Great to hear."

"I know," she said and the words hung between them like a stifling cloth that threatened to smother them. That uneasiness grew and it wasn't supposed to be this awkward; when had she ever felt this way around Sirius? He always filled the silence and left her rushing to catch up so that she wasn't left behind, wanting to keep pace with him, chasing after his shadow so that at least some part of them could connect.

But there was none of that morning's warmth and touches, those smiles were washed from his face and he was stiff and looking at her like he was seeing her in a new light. Or maybe he was finally seeing her as she already was.

"Sirius, are you okay?" Emilia finally blurted out unable to help herself as she studied him carefully, trying to find any crack that she could pry apart and see the truth that lingered beneath the surface but he expertly remained steadfastly unreadable as she did so, refusing her a glimpse to what was haunting him. Had she done something wrong? That was impossible, it wasn't always about her and it was selfish to assume so.

"I'm just fine," he bit out and it tasted like a lie, she could tell that much.

"You don't look fine. Or sound fine," she countered. Why would he lie to her when it was so obvious to her that his words pointed to the contrary, trying to refute the truth?

"So kind of you to point that out," Sirius all but spat through gritted teeth and she tried to contain the recoil, startled by the biting nip to his words, that building dread a rising tide, slipping up her spine and wrapping a hand around her heart, clutching it fiercely and not caring for the hurt it may cause.

Like a dog unable to deny nature and return to the hand that fed it, Emilia couldn't stop herself from probing further. "Did something happen?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because you're my friend," she implored, not even feeling the stain of shame from the desperation that was evident. They were friends, why would she not care? Why wouldn't she care about him? It made no sense, none of this; like being on thin ice, Emilia had no idea what wrong step might send her crashing through to freezing waters that would not hesitate to drag her down to its depths and swallow her whole, leaving nothing behind. "What's going on?"

"Since when do you fucking care?" Sirius hissed, the venom dripping from his tongue and eroding whatever mercy he might have thrown her away, leaving her there bleeding as they pierced through her flesh with little care, slicing her chest open and tearing her apart. His gaze hardened, and never before had his shadow ever felt so cold to the touch, and she was beneath the lake again, wondering if any breath might be her last as the pain ripping her apart threatened to reduce her to nothing.

Maybe it had already happened. Maybe she already was nothing because Sirius was staring at her, seething and serious and she was peering at a stranger who might as well never have been a friend; the blood in her body frosted over, and it echoed on within her, etched into her bones that would never fade even after she was long dead and buried. It would be all that was left of her in time, not that there was much to begin with.

Why did she care? Or why did she care so much? Why did she have to care so much and when did it begin to happen? Like water brought to a boil around her and now it was too late to escape, she was paralysed within it and could not leave it because she had mistaken the warmth before it as comforting.

It took everything within her not to stagger, reeling from the harshness of his snarl as the aches in her chest layered over her heart, pressing down and burdening the withering part of her that she had always worked tirelessly to keep safe. All her efforts were for nothing, evidently.

"Okay. I'm sorry if I overstepped," Emilia scratched out of her, not sure how she found it within herself to even speak but it did not matter because she dropped her gaze to her shoes, to the inches that existed between them and how strange to know she could reach out and touch him but he would still be worlds away from her, a star always out of reach that she could only ever admire and never be with.

Typical. Always yearning and wanting for things not made for her and yet she was still so idiotic to think that if she tried and changed and did better, then perhaps it could finally be in her possession; panic quickened within her and her breaths were too short and shallow and it was all so pathetic. She was pathetic. No, no - no weakness. If there was anything her aunt ever taught her that was worth even a grain of value, it was never to show weakness in front of others, especially stupid boys.

Without waiting for his instructions to leave, Emilia shouldered past him, the burden of trying to keep her head high as Lily had told her to do when they first entered into the Great Hall becoming harder and harder to bear; what did she care? She didn't care. She could learn to unravel herself no matter the agony that pierced her; what did she care? How foolish of her to delude herself into ever thinking such ridiculous notions; it was only a matter of time, she supposed. If not today, then the day after, or the month after, or the following years. People like her had to accept the temporary existence of everything. Sirius was furious and it was at her, he had never spoken to her like that and she would not give him the opportunity to ever do so again.

It wound around her, gripping her guts and stinging her tender flesh as she grit her teeth, flames licking her insides the longer it settled in around her; she wouldn't care, she was an idiot. Idiot for letting herself be worn away and deluding herself into thinking that it could be different, that she could be different. That he was different. They're all the same, that's what her aunt would say. Emilia should have seen it coming from the beginning and she was stupid for pretending to be ignorant to it all. To be spoken to like that would not happen again - by him or by anyone.

She should have kept her nose in a book.

Emilia carved her way through the almost void corridors, fists clenched at her sides and the memories of that day in September were brought to the fore when she had stomped through the castle with orange juice stinging her eyes, bursting on her tongue. It was a cycle, and here she was pushing it ever forward. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Emilia was pushing distance between herself and the Great Hall at a speed that burned her muscles, but she should have predicted that her lack of physical education would eventually catch up to her, as did the thunder of footsteps racing after her that she could not outrun.

"Wait. Emilia, wait!" she heard his voice call after her but Emilia refused to pause and look back. Was he only going to speak to her like that again? Was he going to stop her just so he could once more make her feel oh so small once more? She trudged ever onwards, not halting whatsoever but the decision was taken from her as a vice snatched her elbow up and brought her to an immediate stop, feet almost tripping over the uneven stones and Sirius was panting, a flush in his pale cheeks as his other hand snapped into place opposite her, caging Emilia and denying her escape. "Just hold on a moment."

That morning, when he had held her, cradled her, touch surrounding all her senses, she hadn't been sure if she wanted him to stop so she could breathe or for him to continue as she loathed to any distance that denied them contact, yet now she was more decisive; Emilia didn't want him touching her, she didn't want his fingers pressing against her flesh beneath her robes because if he kept doing it, it would wear her down and she desperately tried to temper that all too familiar and unnamed rush that sparked in her blood, swallowing her up.

Her eyes refused to wander upwards, focusing on a spot on the ground beside them, jaw locked into place and teeth unkind on her tongue, blocking her voice as she was not too certain what might spill out of her if she parted her lips; would she curse him? Or would she beg him for an explanation? All of it was swirling within her, unable to make a decision, the churning of her stomach an amalgamation of too many emotions that were each fighting to be the first one to reign supreme over her next choice of words.

Sirius stood before her and from her peripheral vision, Emilia could make out his wild eyes darting about her face that was angled away from him, trying to capture her attention that she refused to give him so easily. His fingers dug deeper, like he wanted to tear out what was going through her mind, untangle endless strings of thoughts that had no end.

"Look, can you just…" he wheezed, gulping in air as he whipped his head around, the corridor empty of any potential witnesses but that did not mean they were safe; he cursed beneath his breath and used a gentle force to get her feet moving beneath her, and she was petty enough to dig her heels into the ground, wanting to make him work for it. "Please, can we talk in here for a second?"

Not like she had much choice in the matter as she was strung along, debating whether to start snapping at him or continuing her cold silence; Emilia only heard the creak of a door as it was pushed open as she was bundled inside, Sirius not once letting her go as he followed after, not trusting her to make a break for it if he turned his back on her. Good.

The entrance closed on them and Emilia briefly surveyed her surroundings; another one of Filch's large storage rooms and the memories of Halloween were clawing their way from the grave she had buried them along with the rest, heart leaping up her throat as she whirled in an effort to leave but Sirius was there, blocking the way out and, against her will, a stream of relief swarmed within her. An orange glow illuminated the small space, not leaving her in complete darkness, shadows kept at bay that would not drag her back with them to suffer.

With her body now turned to him, Sirius grasped her in both palms once more; that previous cast of harshness had dissipated, and brimming in his gaze swirled a mixture that passed too quick for her to put a name too. Perhaps regret, or shame, or the remnants of anger and guilt.

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I didn't mean to take it out on you," Sirius croaked out, his hands gripping her so tightly it made Emilia feel like she might shatter but she refused to give him the right to break her in any capacity because she would not fall or falter because of him. His head was bowed, curls spilling over his face and the curtains hid what was flickering in his eyes as he dragged in breath after breath, a tremor about him.

Emilia stayed silent, observing him and it took everything within her to not stretch across that great divide between them and grasp him because what if he turned again and decided she had no right to do something like that? What if he changed his mind once more and she was trapped alone in the storage room, scratching and pleading for anyone to come save her but no one ever would because she was seventeen going on seven, still stuck in that horrible wardrobe with the skeletons that refused to be buried.

No. He wouldn't do that. Even Emilia knew that, despite her ire towards him at that moment. It left a bad taste in her mouth to think that he would do that, that he was even capable of it.

Her tongue unglued itself from the roof of her mouth and not even Emilia knew what was going to escape until it rushed past her lips. "I don't like it when you talk to me like that."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have said that to you," Sirius recoiled, a wince warping his features as though it physically pained him to recall his own words that he had carried with his voice. His eyes squeezed shut, shaking his head and she couldn't discern what was happening in that closed off mind of his, wishing he would just tell her because she wasn't good at this. "I know, fuck, I'm sorry."

Was he sorry? Why would he say it if he was sorry? Why say anything he didn't mean? Why did anyone? Why couldn't people just speak true and not live a life of unspoken truths and fanciful lies that were not made for her? "I don't want you to talk like that to me. I don't want you to ever talk like that to me."

"I won't. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, Emilia," he said thickly, recanting what was said earlier. There must have been a flash of distrust across her face because his own screwed up even more and he implored her further, the hands around her upper arms less than tender to convince her. "I am. Please, I'm sorry. I am so sorry, I really am."

She knew he meant it. She knew he meant the apology, she could see it clear as the sun on his face, in his eyes, how it hung in his voice from how low his voice was, strained through his teeth with a pained expression bared to her. It plucked at her heart and Emilia's anger became watered-down, from a great fire to a smouldering ember that was being smothered out. Briefly, Emilia wished she could be like her aunt, grudges akin to notches in the bone of her skull that would be seen every time eyes were closed. But then it drained from her as her features softened as she peered at Sirius, his head bowed, held down by his own regrets.

His fingers pressed tighter for a brief second before loosening, a barely there grip around her and his voice was nothing more than a whisper, pleading. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" she pressed, trying to not break just yet before him because her willpower was being chipped away and his eyes were digging apart her ability to remain strong, her countenance turning brittle as her new acquired backbone became more a hindrance than a help. What good would tending to her anger like a hearth do when it would burn only her? She needed to know because the longer she watched him, the more it twisted the knife of concern into her chest.

"Because of the way I talked to you, I should never have spoken to you like that."

"No. Why are you angry?" she asked, wishing she could dig the truth out of him because was it her? Had she done wrong by him? Or had he simply become sick of her? She didn't blame him; she was sick of herself, sick of all that she was and sick of wishing she could wake up with the chemicals in her brain finally working properly. No, Emilia wouldn't blame him one bit for doing the inevitable.

Sirius heaved in a strained breath and lapsed into a pondering, tension filled silence before the grey of his irises latched onto her own through his lashes, the silver broken between the dark veil fracturing the full moons. With a drawn out reluctance, Sirius released her, freeing her from the cage of his fingers as he took a step back, shoes scuffing the ground as he never once looked away from her. She couldn't discern what was going through his mind, but did she ever? "You already know why."

Her brows furrowed together, a frown pushing down the corners of her mouth. "I really don't. You're being confusing."

Sirius' lips pressed together as he stared at her, as though trying to decide whether she was lying and was being facetious, or if she was being sincere in her ignorance. Whatever he found lurking on her face must have made him settle on the latter as a hand haphazardly brushed through his hair, snagging on the strands as he let out a terse sigh bleed through his lips, clearly exasperated. "I talked to Amanda."

As James had told her, but that wasn't important. She didn't see how Amanda could be the source of his frustration that ended up being directed at her. "Okay."

"She told me what happened, about the whole thing and why the fight started," Sirius continued on but subtly evading addressing it directly, looking to her expectantly as though he was waiting for the moment for it to dawn on Emilia, but he was being elusive. Why couldn't people just say what they meant to say?

"Because Marina has been picking on her cousin," Emilia clarified, unsure of where this was going, not knowing the steps to this delicate dance she had never been well versed in. It mattered not because Sirius' eyes darkened, displeased at her inability to follow his train of thought that eluded her with every word he continued to use in order to mask his true intentions.

"She told me, Emilia. She told me why Marina was picking on her cousin," Sirius said and his jaw locked into place as though it physically pained him to recall it all; in the back of her mind, a warning sound was being stifled by the haze that was pulling away too slowly for her to reach the destination point he was already at. The storage room's air was thick, sludge pooling in her lungs as her stomach began to knot itself around and around. She should have stayed in the Great Hall. "She also said to me that Marina was talking to you before it all went down."

Emilia's heart was hanging on by a mere thread that was fraying, throat closing up and tongue-tied, and Sirius' sharp gaze did not miss the way she swallowed thickly because Emilia was hoping the inevitable had not come around without her approval; she thought she had time, she thought she still had the chance to come clean on her own accord, to do it how she wanted. It couldn't be, it simply couldn't -

"She was. I told her to piss off and leave me alone," she choked out.

"Emilia, you're lying to me," Sirius noted, the black of his eyes piercing right through her and the room was feeling too small because it couldn't be, she thought she had time. Sirius was merciless, cutting her. "You know exactly what it was that Amanda said she overheard Marina calling you."

The stone beneath her feet swayed and the world slipped away, leaving only her and Sirius; Sirius with his stone set eyes, the fractured light casting shadows across his face and there was no hiding, there was no game of pretend and lies anymore. There was only the truth that hung like a noose between them, every bit as morbid and sinister and Emilia's lungs burned when air refused to follow her attempts to breathe because she knew and he knew and this was it, the walls closing in because Sirius knew when she had tried so desperately to keep it hidden, not for Marina's sake or her own, but for his.

He knew. Sirius knew. And she could not deny it, did not want to deny it, but it burned bitter in the back of her mouth because it had been taken from her, the choice had been torn from her before she could even entertain its existence but none of that mattered any more because the truth settled on them both and this childish dance could not continue any further. Sirius knew about Marina, he knew the secret Emilia guarded because she would sooner ignore its existence as being nothing more than a temporary nightmare that disappeared when she woke up.

Her voice crawled into the depths that existed within her, a cavern that gleefully swallowed her up and she felt like her knees might give out at any given moment; it wasn't supposed to be like this, she thought she had time and that eventually she could work up the courage to tell him in the way she wanted because Emilia desperately craved to stop him from doing something that might bring nothing but trouble, which is all she seemed to be around him.

"Is it true?" he questioned but he must have already seen the answer clear on her face, understanding that what was told to him was no lie. The hands on her shoulders tightened to a painful degree but she could barely feel it, her eyes latched onto his and there was no point in even lying even if she wanted to. Why bother? Who would it serve?

Sirius deserved the truth, even if he had unfairly received it from someone else already. Her heart was lodged in her throat, a stone that was impossible to move and her voice squeezed past it, threadbare and worn down after being kept confined to the darkest depths within her, a ghost that she could not deny any longer.

"Yes. It's true."

A shaking inhale tore through Sirius' lips as his vice-like grip dropped, rushing down her arms and his feet brought him back, like he needed air to breathe that would not come to him. Each cutting gulp that filled his chest was audible, the hardness of his gaze chiselled away by something new, something she had never seen before on him but fit perfectly, as though it was an old friend returning to his side. His brow knit together and the undeniable hurt that bled through his eyes hurt more than any sneer Marina had thrown her way; all those years of torment, of harassment and bullying, and nothing ever sliced so deep as Sirius looking at her as though she were the source of an agony that was ripping the thread holding him together.

She had hurt him. She had hurt him when she never meant to but intention didn't wash away the result because it was her fault and he staggered back, staring at her like she was a stranger, a nightmare fashioned from his worst fears and she couldn't stand it, alarm and fright fastening within her until Emilia could feel nothing else but the cold absence of her earlier conviction. She might as well have been a monster because she had hurt him, her hands clasping together as she wondered if she could ask for mercy or a chance to explain herself but did she even deserve that?

Sirius' ragged breathing was all that could be heard, lips parting and trying to find a way that he could formulate words into speech, rendered catatonic and she expected him to yell, to shout, to curse at her, to swear and cut ties with her; anything she would have accepted as her penance, but not this, not the pain and hurt that poured and gushed from him and was drowning her and she had no one to blame but herself.

A strangled sound left him and then -

"You lied to me."

It wasn't even a falsity, or an accusation that she could refute or rebuke. It was nothing but the terrible truth she had tried to bury for a semblance of peace, to remain in ignorance in the hopes that if she pretended long and hard enough, it would disappear but no more.

How could she even begin to explain to him? She wanted to, but she was not worthy of it, her hands cloying and clammy, trying to make him understand because he needed to know, he had to understand that she didn't do it for any other reason but to protect him, to protect herself. She tried to take a step closer but he maintained the space, moving away and his features morphed under the dim glow of the storage closet, fragments shattering across his face as she watched an array of emotions spill throughout. It was more than hurt, more than betrayal, daggers of the splintered pieces splitting him and letting him bleed.

"Sirius - "

"You promised me that you wouldn't lie to me anymore, that you wouldn't keep any more secrets from me. You promised me, Emilia," he hissed, spitting her own words back at her and they made her flinch, shrinking away from the volume of his voice that echoed back at her just as harshly and she couldn't even blame him for it all, fire flaring within him and coursing through his body, flames he could not contain. "You said that the bullying and the harassment - that you didn't know why she did it. But you did, you knew this entire time and you hid it from me."

She did. Her heart was in the pit of her belly, a feast for her own shame that thwarted her desire to defend her actions, because how could she defend herself? How could she do that to him?

"I know," she lamented, the thorns of guilt piercing through her until each wheeze she sucked in pained her, but it was nothing compared to the agony that burned relentlessly in Sirius' eyes.

"I asked you and you lied to me. I begged you to tell me the truth, I told you that you could trust me because I care about you. I wanted you to trust me, but you… you didn't. You don't. You lied to me, and for what? Why?" he continued on and the betrayal that was clear in his tone hurt more than any of the bruises that had graced her face from that morning, it pained her more than anything Marina had ever done to her and it was her fault. She was at fault, she was the reason for his agony and she couldn't even soothe him because she was the source of it all. His chest heaved, staring at her with an expression of broken despair, like she was nothing more than a spectre that had stolen what was most precious to him. "Why, Emilia? Why is it that you just can't trust me even after all this time?"

Emilia shook her head and tried to push away the tingle in her eyes because she wasn't about to be pathetic and start weeping like a cry baby who couldn't take accountability for her own actions. The walls were closing in on her, a trap of her own making that would bring about her demise because all that she had tried to build was crumbling away before her.

Her eyes blinked rapidly in the attempt to dispel the dew gathering there, trying to not cower away before the flames of his fury that sought to burn her. "I do, Sirius, I do trust you."

"But you don't! You didn't tell me about it all at Halloween, fine. Maybe we weren't as close then, so I can maybe understand why you never said anything to me then. But after last week, when I asked you to tell me the whole truth, for there to be no more secrets between us, you continued to try and hide it from me! I thought we were finally closer, that maybe we could be something different. But even after all this time, you still can't - " Sirius growled and he turned away, unable to stand the sight of her as his hands rubbed over his face and up into his hair, pacing and wearing a trail into the stone and she was too afraid to break his trance lest she risk his ire and make the situation worse. "For some fucking reason, you just can't trust me no matter what I do. Even after all this time, after I've tried again and again to prove myself to you, it's like you can't even return an inch of what I give to you. Why? Why is it that you just can't trust me?"

No, he was wrong - how could he not see he was the only person in this world she trusted? How could he draw such a ridiculous conclusion? He was the only person she trusted, the only person she held enough faith in to depend on and not have to worry about him letting her down. "Sirius, please, I do trust you. But - but it's difficult, you have to understand."

But Sirius whirled on her, accosting her and a storm crackled beneath the layers of emotions carved into him, a snarl splintering in her ears and his hands were on her once more, digging into tender flesh and trying to shake reason into her. "Why can't you understand? Why can't you just understand I care about you and how much it hurts me that you can't even trust me with something like this? Do you know how it makes me feel knowing that you refuse to trust me no matter how many times I tell you I care about you and that you can trust me?"

It was tearing her apart from the inside out, and her mind wouldn't work the way she wanted it to; he had it all wrong, how could he think she didn't trust him? Her eyes began to tingle with traitorous dew drops that she refused to let gather. Her ability to speak was ripped from her, incomprehensible noises spilling out of her. "I'm sorry, Sirius, please. I just - I thought it was better if I - "

"Better for who?! Who is it better for, Emilia? I've told you so many times I wanted you to tell me these things, to trust me, I've done all that I can to show you how I feel, but you're still keeping secrets when I've begged you not to!" he all but shouted and Emilia couldn't help but cringe from the impact of his accusations because how could she deny his truth? She had hurt him, nothing else mattered; in her feeble and fumbling attempts to do right by him, she had inadvertently caused more harm than good, and all because… because? Did her reasoning before even make sense? Why didn't she tell him? Had she tricked herself into thinking it was for his own good when it was purely driven by her own fear and selfishness? It had made sense before, it had been clear to her why it was important to keep it secret from Sirius, but seeing him now, seeing the desperation and betrayal, she couldn't fathom her own actions because it didn't matter - he was hurt. And it was her fault. "Why? Why can't I be… why isn't it enough for you?"

"It is enough for me, Sirius," she tried insisting, hoping that he could see the truth ringing clear within her but he shook his head, refusing to let her words sink in. It was enough, it was more than enough, more than she deserved - he was more than she deserved. But he wouldn't let her say her piece, and it poisoned her from the inside out because she should be livid at him, but instead she was pathetically trying to defend herself and make him see the truth.

"It doesn't feel like it! Every time I think that maybe I'm finally as important to you as you are to me, you do something like this!" Sirius retorted, the jagged wobble to his voice undermining the fury within him, like he was losing his grip on it and he was trying desperately to hold onto the fire lest he be forced with the smoking ruins of his own anger. Like a moth to a flame, he neared her once more, taking her by her poor arms and trying to discern her gaze, like he was searching for something, but what it was, Emilia couldn't tell. "Why can't you just trust me as much as I trust you?"

"I - I don't know why. I thought - I don't know how," Emilia murmured, her poor rabbit heart rattling behind her ribs. She did trust him, but he refused to believe her when she insisted the truth and she didn't know what to do to have him accept her words. "It's hard for me when it isn't for you. I don't understand how to do any of this, how to talk or - or tell people these things."

"But it's me, Emilia. You know I would listen and that I would do anything to help you and protect you no matter the cost," Sirius pleaded, emotion raw and bleeding out of him, releasing her once again, always unable to decide whether he couldn't stand being near her and wanting to shake reason and understanding into her. His feet scratched against the uneven cobble beneath them, limited by their small space and his frustration brimming beneath the surface, ready to spill over. "I trust you so much and I've told you things I haven't told anyone, but no matter how much I try, it's like I… like I can never get you to feel the same way about me."

"I don't know how to," she admitted shamefully. She thought she was getting better at this, at being friends with him, at finally being able to be more than a shadow that could only ever watch from the outside in. But evidently not. It wasn't enough. Or she wasn't enough. Still living a half life and not even good at it. Would it ever be enough? Her eyes traced his figure as it moved back and forth, wondering how pathetic he must think her to be as she wrung her hands together to hide the tremor developing beneath her skin. "I don't know how to show you in a way that matters to you. I try, I try to show you in the only way I know how but it's… I know it's wrong, but it's the only way I know how. But, please, I do care about you and I do trust you."

Sirius turned on her, eyes wild as he threw his hands up into the air, clearly not caring for her pleas. "You don't! Because you wouldn't have lied to me and kept this secret from me otherwise!"

"I know," Emilia despaired, trying not to curl in on herself. She wished she could shout back at him, she wished she could yell at him, she wished she could find that newly framed backbone that had disappeared on her since that morning. But it would be no use, because he was right and she had hurt him. Good intentions never excused the bad results, and why couldn't she have told him when she had the chance?

"You don't know! It's even worse if you did because you knew that this would hurt me!"

"I didn't mean to, Sirius, if you would just let me explain - "

"Bullshit! I've tried and tried, but it's like no matter what I fucking do, I can't - !" Sirius faced away and Emilia made way to reach out to him but was stopped short when he gave a strangled cry of frustration and unable to direct his wrath at her, he instead chose an unsuspecting victim in the boxes lining the shelf, swiping his hand across the length of the wooden lip of it and letting the paraphernalia topple to the ground, breaking and crashing into a kaleidoscope that scattered onto the stone, guts spilled everywhere.

Emilia stifled the gasp that threatened to run away from her, stepping back to save her shoes from being shredded into tatters, spine against the wall and unable to find any more space to escape to, hand clutching her shirt at the display of his lashing out.

The echoes of the thrown items lulled and teetered off, until there was nothing else, save the pound of her heart and the ragged breaths of Sirius. He stared at the mess, glaring at it and she couldn't tear her own eyes from his face, the fury holding fast to him but even stars died in a great burst of fire and she watched his body turn slack, anger dripping away and leaving him with nothing but the remnants. Slowly, his focus dragged up from the ground and onto Emilia, to where she had pressed herself up against the stone like she wished for nothing more than for it to swallow her up and whatever he saw blanketing her features must have been horrifying enough because his feet stumbled back, knocking into the shelves behind him, rattling the items there.

She could not speak, not that she would even know what to say as Sirius' knees gave out beneath him and his body fell onto the ground, hands cradling his head and curled in on himself, knees brought close to his chest and he stilled, frozen to the point she worried he might have turned into stone but then it began gradually, a minute tremble of his shoulders that he could not maintain a grasp on as it began to grow bold, spreading out and infecting his body and Emilia could only watch on, confusion clouding her mind.

It was only when she heard a torn choke that it dawned on her with terrible realisation.

His hands hid his eyes from her staring but she didn't need to see them to know that a wetness was spilling out, torn noises dug from the depths of his chest that flowed with eagerness out of him and a wracked sob barely carried his words as he spoke, caving in on himself in attempts to smother the sounds that refused to obey his commands. Emilia was rendered frozen, unable to move however much she wished to because what if he recoiled away from her? What if he pushed her aside? The sounds leaving him were tearing her apart from the inside out, making her feel helpless and useless and he tried to bury himself into his palms, gulping great gasps of air that refused to remain long enough to calm him.

And then, his plea, so small and fragile that it broke her. "I don't want it to be like this."

Her feet moved before she could make them stay and she moved steadily, not wanting to spook him but he gave no indication of trying to get her to leave as she drew nearer, brimming with caution as she stopped at his feet, standing above him and staring down at his huddled form, the agonised cries he tried to quieten enough to make tears swell in her own, a painful lump stuck in her neck as she crouched slowly until she was on the ground in front of him, the ridges of the ground digging unkindly into her knees as she settled between his legs, shadow blanketing him.

He said nothing, hands still covering his face and refusing her a glimpse at the ruination that had taken root across his features and she was careful as her hands unwound themselves from one another, reaching across the distance between them until her fingers graced his wrists, circling them and able to feel the thrumming hum beneath his delicate skin. She feared for a moment that she would have to tug with all of her mind but at the slightest touch, Sirius complied and allowed her to reveal his face to her, casting his eyes downwards and refusing to look directly at her like she was too painful to acknowledge, but she didn't need him to do so because it was all bare now.

They had both torn themselves apart for each other, stripped until there was nothing left and the droplets in the clouds of his irises continued to rain down, slowly and steadily with glee. She had never seen him cry, she had never seen him this exposed and vulnerable and it broke her, wishing she could ease his pain instead of worsening it.

And it was because of her - she was the reason for it all. She had caused him to be like this.

Why could she never bring him any peace? Why could she never make him feel how he made her feel? All her efforts had been in vain and she had done damage that would never leave her, scarring her and reminding her of her own inadequacy because she only wished to do was make him happy and she couldn't even fucking do that.

Her fingers released his wrists, letting them limply fall to the space between his legs and his stomach, but it was not before long her trembling palms moved of their own volition and she felt the heat of his cheeks before contact was made, burning bone to ash then skin pressed against her own and she was cradling him, holding him in a way she had never done so before. Each blink saw to the departure of another tear, clinging to his long lashes before crashing down onto her, wet and warm, her thumbs trying to wipe them away because she could not bear it, could not stand the crushing realisation that she was the cause of this. She was the source of his pain and she could never forgive herself for it.

"Oh, Sirius…" Emilia breathed, whispered and so worn down as she tried to dry his damp cheeks, wanting to soak it up so that he may be free of it. Emilia expected him to tear away from her, to tell her to leave him alone and never speak to him again, but it never came. Strands of his curls kissed her hands, ghosting across her skin, catching on the cuffs of her robes as he leaned his head forward, pouring himself into her hold on him.

She had never done this before, she had never touched him like this, so gently and was afraid he might fall apart if she went too far with it all and took her time, the steps of it all unknown to her. Emilia tried to wipe away the remnants of Sirius' despair from him, tracing up into his hair to smooth through the tangles and it was the first time she had ever touched his hair, had felt the soft tresses rush against her as she attempted to smooth it down with her delicate strokes; his hot breaths spilled up the sleeves of her shirt, as Sirius closed his eyes, unable to look at her.

"It just won't ever be enough, will it?" he uttered, like he was too frightened to shatter the silence blanketing them and have the shards of it nick him. Emilia's hand paused in its brushed of his air as she latched her gaze onto him, but he was already peering at her, a deep rooted desperation clinging to him and undeniable. "All I want is you to… to know just how much I would do, how far I would go… to feel what I feel for you but maybe I'm just being a fucking idiot."

The itching of her eyes worsened and she couldn't even stop as she felt a warmth trickle down her face, uncaught and trying to cling onto the curve of her jaw to no avail, splattering onto her skirt with little care for its demise.

"No. No, Sirius, you're not an idiot," she said, vehemently shaking her head at the statement because she couldn't believe he would ever think such a thing; how could he ever underestimate his own importance? How could he not see how much he meant to her? "I know… I know you don't want excuses. I am sorry. What I did… it was wrong. It was so wrong of me and I should have told you then. I hurt you. I am so sorry."

If only he knew. She was never good at this, life never came with a set of instructions and she was always one step behind even if she tried her hardest to play catch up. Her thumbs traced the space beneath his eyes, the constellation of faint freckles smoothed as his stare never strayed far from her, their faces brought close to one another in a way that had never happened before; it was like holy ground beneath them, the softness of their voices afraid to shatter the solitude they had created for themselves. The cuff of her shirt soaked up the fallen droplets slipping from Sirius, and she wanted to stop it all, she didn't want him to ever cry. She never wanted him to be in pain.

Emilia sniffed, his unresponsiveness making her unsure and she was ready to pull away, thinking it was for the better until she felt the rough surface of his fingers guiding her hands back once more, spilling himself into her hands once more like he wished for nothing more than to disappear into her palms. Spurred, Emilia seized the opportunity because if not now, when? No more secrets. That's what she promised.

"All my life, I've felt like I was different. Even when I found out I was a witch, it didn't change this feeling. It's not a good different. It feels like… I'm tuned into a different frequency to everyone else," she began, imploring him to understand even if she knew she was not worthy of it. Speaking her shame riddled secret should have frightened her, to bring forth her own ineptness to the fore might have terrified her at the prospect she would be breathing life into it, but this was Sirius. She tried to distract herself with the trace of his brow, pushing back the curtain of fringe that tried hiding his face from her. If she thought too much about it, she would become a coward again and retreat into herself but she could not do that to him. Not now. No more. "I… I feel like even if I try, I can't ever understand the same things other people do. I don't understand why people do what they do or say what they say even when they don't mean it. No matter what I do, I can't ever be on that same wavelength that other people are on. I don't know how to do this, I've never had the chance before to - to trust anyone like I've trusted you. It's all too strange for me and I can't figure out how to do it right."

It was the first time she put it into words, the first time she had ever talked about it with another person. And it was pouring out of her, gushing endlessly because if she stopped now she wouldn't be able to speak about it again and there could be no secrets, not anymore.

"I don't know why it is that way. I wish it wasn't difficult for me. But… what I mean to say is just because I don't show you that I care about you in the way that you want, it doesn't mean that I care any less," Emilia begged, the edge of his jaw digging into her palms as she tried to make him see her, truly see her for all that she was and all that created her and prayed he would not recoil away from what he found there. "I do care. I care about you so much it scares me. Please, you have to believe me. I do trust you, I trust you more than anyone."

"I know," Sirius rasped, husky and exhausted, his fingers sketching unseen circles into the backs of her hands with a barely there touch, igniting the recognisable sparks beneath her skin that fizzled her nerves into nothing.

But did he know? Or was he only just saying that? She had to be completely honest, this was the moment of no return and she could not lose him, not when she finally had him in her life.

"I was scared. I didn't want you to do anything because I was so… so terrified that it would be my fault that you got expelled. And then I would lose you," Emilia whispered, torn apart by the depth of her emotions and her honesty did not come easily to her, forced out of her body with every ounce of strength because she did not want to speak the possibility of losing Sirius into reality.

His eyes never wavered but she saw the last, remaining embers of his anger retreat until there was nothing of it left, his face steadily softening as her words lulled into a silence between them and he wound his arms around her, crawling up from his lap to trace over her waist until his palms came flat against her back and Emilia was brought closer, filling in the space between his legs that were at either side of her, nearly spilling into him.

"You could never lose me, Emilia," Sirius assured her and she couldn't even find it within herself to be incredulous towards him because he spoke with such assertion that it would be a disservice to place even a single shadow of doubt on his words. The way he was looking at her, holding her, touching her, with such desperation, it was enough to break her heart all over again. "I'm here. I'm right here."

He always had been. He had always been at her side even when she gave him a multitude of reasons to not. Why? Why did he continue to stay? Why would he remain at her side even when there had been plenty of times that she wouldn't have faulted him in leaving her? What did she ever do to deserve it, to deserve him? To have him look at her like her mere existence could sate him a thousand lifetimes over, to hold her and caress her as though she was made for softer, kinder things in life?

It only made the guilt well up in her eyes, unable to bear it; even after finding out she had kept what happened a secret, he was still here, still holding her, keeping her close to him so that she couldn't even entertain the thought of retreating and running away from him even if she wanted to.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I was a bad friend, I didn't show you the trust that you deserve. Keeping this as a secret… it was wrong of me," Emilia said, teetering on the edge of a jagged knife that could make her dissolve into sobs because it was all too much, it was all too overwhelming and she simply couldn't cope with it. "Please don't be angry at me. I'm sorry, Sirius."

"I wasn't mad at you, I don't know why I took it out on you, Emilia, but I shouldn't have," he bemoaned, wincing as though the memory of what occurred in the Great Hall had unknowingly been pushed to the front of his mind.

"Please just give me another chance, Sirius. I can try, I can try and be better."

Sirius shook his head. "You're already the best that you are, it's me who needs to do better."

"No. You've already done so much for me. Let me prove to you that - that I can be a better friend," Emilia began to beg, unable to keep her desperation at bay. What if he decided that he couldn't deal with it or with her anymore? What if he decided she was more trouble than she was worth? She wouldn't be able to stop him, but she had to try, didn't she?

"You are a good friend. You don't need to change anything," Sirius persuaded delicately, able to see that she was unravelling at the seams because she was panting for air that would not come. His hands moved up and down her back, trying to ease her shallow breathing, hushing her as best as he could and it was like she was the most delicate and fragile thing in the world at that moment, one breeze away from shattering entirely, the saltwater in her eyes stinging her as she tried her best to hold onto them and not fall apart. "Hey, listen, it's okay. I'm sorry, don't cry. Please don't cry, love. I can't stand to see you cry."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," Sirius echoed and it stung with remorse. "I don't want you to change yourself or anything, I shouldn't have said any of that. I wasn't thinking straight. I never wanted to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you."

"I never want to hurt you too."

"Then… please. Please, Emilia, just be honest with me. I can't cope with the secrets and hiding things from me," Sirius urged in a hoarse tone of voice, entreating her to take that leap and no longer hide away in herself. "You have to promise me, really and truly promise me, that this is it - there are no more secrets. Please… just tell me, love."

Emilia gulped, trying to force down the stone forged from regret down into her chest once more as it pained her to speak. "This is it. There are no more secrets."

A shaky inhale was sucked in through his mouth, weighing his next choice of words as Emilia forced herself to not become completely undone, focusing solely on the feel of his hands burning through her robes, how they traced patterns unknown to her across her back.

"Marina…" Sirius began slowly, watching her carefully before he continued on lest it might set her off, the grey of his eyes mellow in the orange hue of the storage room. "She called you that, didn't she? That word."

"Yes. But it was only the second time she did it," Emilia explained hastily, trying to push down the urge to simply fall apart before having the chance to let it all spill out of her. She thought it would come unwillingly as it had other times, that she would have to rip the truth from her with tooth and nail, but once she started, it was like she became unable to stop and she didn't want to stop. She wanted to tell him everything, no matter the cost because he deserved it, he deserved better. "The first time was at Halloween. I never knew why she picked on me up until that point. That's when I realised. I didn't know she was doing it to others."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius asked, unable to hide his distress as she spoke and Emilia's lips pressed together, wondering if he might become irritated once more and she would have to calm him down in order to listen to her; sensing her hesitation, Sirius dropped his voice low, the hands resting against her back pressing further against her to tether her here to him, to stop her from retreating away as she had a habit of doing. "Hey, it's just us. You promised, remember?"

She did. She had to tell him. She couldn't hide the truth.

"I was scared, Sirius," she stated and there it was - the crux of the entire situation, the source of all her worry and trepidation bare to him and it rattled her. "The way you kept talking about how you wanted to get back at her... I didn't want you to get into trouble. I didn't want everyone to know what I went through, to have them talking about me. I just wanted to get this last year over with because I wouldn't see her ever again once we left. I thought... I thought it was better that way, because I have you and I didn't want to make you feel obligated under any circumstance. I didn't want to be a burden."

"You're not a burden, Emilia. You could never be a burden to me in any shape or form. I only wanted to help you."

"I thought I could deal with it myself. I did tell her to piss off this morning. I told her I wasn't putting up with it anymore. That's why she called me a mudblood."

"Fuck," Sirius cursed, wincing at the sound of the word leaving Emilia's lips and his hands slipped away from her back, unwinding until they went to his head, wrapping around the inky black strands that might as well have been woven from droplets of the night sky, fashioning together a crown that burdened him. "Fuck."

"Sirius, it's okay," she tried comforting, knowing that it would do little of what she intended.

Sirius shook his head, heaving a breath in an attempt to keep himself calm. "But it's not okay. I should have been there. I should have been beside you. I would have - I don't know what I would have done. I wouldn't have even cared what I might have done."

"Don't blame yourself," she softly chastised but he was trapped in his own thoughts, shackled by them and unable to tear himself free as his hands gripping his hair tightened, nearly tearing the strands out of his scalp entirely and Emilia knew what that meant, had done it to herself on more than one occasion and she covered his unkind hold on himself with her own, trying to lessen his self inflicted torture over things he was not to blame for. "Please, Sirius, don't do that."

"I should have been there to protect you," he cursed, struggling against her but finally relenting, allowing himself to be untangled from his less than gentle grasp.

"I can protect myself," she tried soothing but Sirius shook his head, disregarding it entirely.

"But I want to protect you. Everything she's done to you, everything that's happened to you, it shouldn't have happened and I should have been there," Sirius said. "I want to protect you. Against Marina. Against any other fucking cunt who might try to hurt you, I don't care who it is."

"I know. But I want to protect you too," Emilia sniffled, the lump in her throat sore but she urged herself to continue on because if she stopped, she wasn't sure she would ever be able to put it into words. Her wet lashes were ladened with unshed tears and she tried to steady her breaths, the calm after the storm making her control of her emotions wane enough that she felt weak, unable to contain herself. She could not separate her palms from his face, wanting to soak up every sensation that she could. "I don't want you to get into trouble and then for us to be separated. What if you got expelled? Where would I be then without you?"

A hollow laugh left Sirius at her statement, an emptiness within him that echoed on for eternity. "Better off, most likely."

"Don't think like that," she chastised because they said no more lies, and that meant him too; how could he think she would be better off without him? Trying to imagine a time without him was like trying to chase after the fading remnants of a dream that were whisked away when morning came; seventeen years she had drifted through life and had accepted that that was all she was meant for, and if it weren't for him, she would still believe that. She didn't want that, she didn't want to go back to being that person anymore. Maybe it would have taken her entire life to realise it if he had not stumbled into it as he did in September. To be without Sirius… it was unthinkable. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me in… in my entire life, Sirius. Don't you dare say I would be better without you, because I wouldn't be."

There was conviction in her words, stronger than she had expected and Sirius was peering up at her, awaiting for the final blow of a joke to come and unravel her insistence but none came. His lips parted and his features twisted like a knife had buried its tooth into the space between his ribs, a strangled gust of air escaping him.

"Please don't say things like that," came Sirius broken plea, scratched out of him painfully as his hands traced the bumps of her spine over her robes, trailing up until he clumsily fiddled with the collar of her shirt and then wrapped around the back of her neck, laced together and she felt him nudge her closer, obeying the command until there existed nothing between them, able to feel the slightest brush of his nose over hers; every time she thought there was nothing more that he could do to make her breathless, he fashioned a new design that was made to steal the very air from her body. Their breaths became one, limbs indistinguishable from one another and she still felt it wasn't enough.

"Why not?" came her silent plea, struggling to keep her body from tumbling against his entirely. Could he hear the pounding of her heart? He had to, it was like the organ would jump out of its prison and out onto his lap.

With how near to one another they were, Emilia could pick out every fleck in his irises, the cold granite overwhelmed by the captured moonlight that was stolen from the night sky and sewn together for him; the smell of his cologne was drowning her, but that's how she always felt when he was around and it wasn't a bad way to go. Her hands cupping his cheeks could not figure out where to go, wanting to wander and burn the memory into her forevermore, his own constricting her and his eyelids denied her the sight of him, his head leaning forward and Emilia panicked, unable to move away until his forehead rested against hers.

"It gives me hope and I don't want it to," was his raspy reply, washing over and it pained her to pull away, Sirius trying to follow but failing as she made him face her with no chance of hiding.

"It's true. I would sooner go through all of this again if it meant I could have you in my life, if it meant that we would still be friends," Emilia asserted and she had hoped it would bring him some form of peace but it appeared to have the opposite effect, watching with dismay as a brief flicker darken the stone of his irises and he moved back, a reasonable and breathable distance between them. By their standards, at least.

"If being your friend is important to you, then… then that's all I'll be." For some reason, resignation settled across his features and Emilia was quick to try and get rid of the sight.

"You are my friend. More than my friend, you're the only person in this entire world that I trust," Emilia said, her hands moving of their own accord to steal every inch of previously untouched parts of Sirius; in this light, his hair was akin to scraping the deepest hues of twilight and layering them on top of one another to create the soft strands. His fingers ghosted the nape of her neck, like he wished to delve them up further, and she wished he would. "You are so important to me, Sirius, more than you realise. You're my friend, and it's only you that I feel like I can trust wholeheartedly. Please believe me when I say that."

"I do believe you. I do, Emilia," Sirius promised and she held no doubt against it, an oath that would not be easily broken no matter what she tried to trick herself into believing.

There they were, worn down and every exposed nerve on display for the other to see but not shying away from what they saw, completely bare to one another in a way that would not be easily forgotten. The heat of Sirius' cheeks scorched into her, a furnace that her tired bones lapped up with glee as she leached it all, her cool palms melting in the losing battle; his fingers laced at the back of her neck graced across the unexplored skin that would forever carry the memory of feeling him there even long after she was laid into the dirt. Their breaths mingled with one another, and Emilia could barely feel the dull aches of her knees, her legs tingling from bearing the weight of her own body for so long but it mattered little in the expanse of more important matters, not when all she could she could think, feel, breathe was Sirius; was this what it meant to feel whole? Had she been shambling on earth not realising the hole in her heart for so long?

Being around Sirius made Emilia be so aware of it all, of the gripping loneliness she wished to shed, to experience a metamorphosis and become something new - or what she was always meant to be.

Then, before she could even think about pulling away, Sirius' hands urged her closer, slipping away from the back of her throat to slip across the broad of her back and leaving her little choice but to comply as he wound his arms around her, over her waist and Emilia only had enough time to loop her own to rest atop of his shoulders before their chests met one another in a clash of clothed flesh. Warm gusts of air bled down the collar of her shirt, pouring down the bare flesh of her spine as Sirius buried himself in the crook of where her neck met shoulder, gripping steadfastly to her like he feared she might run away from him at any moment. Her heart tumbled about loosely in her chest, clattering against her ribs and he must have felt it, he must have heard the sharp intake of breath but he did not remark on it.

Their legs were a knotted mess of limbs that could not be freed from one another, bodies flush against one another and her lungs were filled with him, that scent she unknowingly craved staining her insides, and Emilia drew herself closer to him, feeling his fingers almost tear through the threads of her robes as he clutched onto her, hoisting her upwards until she was atop of his lap, so reminiscent of that day in the kitchens after he had saved her from drowning in the lake.

But this time, she wondered which of them was drowning and who was doing the saving.

She was cradled to him, the strength that he held her with should have made her feel constricted, unable to breathe, but it made her… grounded, like she was being stuck back together until she was whole again. She wasn't some ghost haunting the corridors and classrooms of the castle any longer; whatever word could be used to explain it all, it was never enough. Maybe they had not yet invented a way to describe this peculiar sensation that refused to be parted from Emilia, melding until it was a part of her to a molecular level. Would there ever be anything that could encapsulate what this feeling was? Everything felt too mundane, falling too short and never fitting right. Maybe it was a dangerous complex to have. It was all too much, filling her veins and its foreignness hammered against the anvil of her chest.

Perhaps there didn't need to be an explanation. It could just… be. She didn't have to worry about words and definitions. Friends who found comfort and solace in one another. It could be enough. She could learn to let it be enough.

For now, all she wanted was to hold onto Sirius, able to feel the pulse of life fluttering against her cheek, his face buried into her like he would have much preferred to remain there than face anything else in the world outside of them.

But it couldn't last forever. Nothing good ever did.

The chimes of the bells were enough to break the foundations of their solitude as Emilia remembered there was an entire world that existed out of the confines of each other's arms and that there were consequences that even she did not want to face. Yet, she loathed it all the same.

"I think we should go. Class is starting," she murmured in his ear but Sirius gave no indication that he heeded the gravity of her words, if anything the sound of her voice only urged him to tighten his hold on her, a slight shake of his head rubbing against her as he defied her warning.

"Just a bit longer. Please, just stay like this a bit longer. I don't want to let go of you just yet," Sirius pleaded, muffled against her robes and any other time, Emilia might have insisted, might have told him that they couldn't risk mitching class after the day that was in it and she didn't fancy McGonagall chewing her ear out for continuous bad behaviour.

But that was nothing now, not when Sirius curled up further, his legs trapped her from behind as she remained on his lap, practically pouring out of it even despite his efforts to not be parted from a single drop of her, the sensation of his fingers threatening to rip her robes apart from how desperate he was to stop her from leaving him. Not that she was eager to.

She couldn't bear to go against it, relaxing against him, leaning her cheek against the crown of his head, unwinding an arm so that she could ghost it up into his hair, brushing through the strands and smoothing down the tresses so that she could dispel the echoes of his own unkind grip. The bustle of students rushing from lunch to class could be heard but none of that mattered. Sirius showed no evidence of releasing her any time soon and she hoped they could remain like this for as long as possible before the universe intervened.

Emilia relented. It was not difficult.

"Okay."


yahooooo everything is out in the open (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

the catharsis is REAL yall! talk about FINALLY! this was a tough one to bang out, because I wasn't sure if I wanted it in two chapters but i think it works better as one at a whopping 22k words lol talk about an array of wild emotions all over the place !

next chapter is the end of "act one" to this story, and then we will be on to act two! still planning it out and up to chapter 35 and man is this slow burn slow burning so much yall n e ways hope u all enjoyed!

song of choice while writing: in between by gracie abrams (this is literally emilia and sirius' song)

Thanks for reading!