Chapter 23 - We.
Being cleared for duty felt like being let out on parole for good behavior. It didn't take much longer for Commander McCool to release me but only under the strict order to see her once a week for the next six months.
Had she not prescribed additional therapy, I would have suggested it myself. Funny how something I once loathed so much is now part of my routine. I began to enjoy our sessions that unraveled mysteries I hadn't known about myself.
The most eye opening was my fear of failing my child as my parents failed me. Fundamentally I knew I would never abandon a life that I created no matter how high the stakes were. But then, I doubted my own mother ever considered abandoning me until she did.
The last two weeks of mandatory therapy was all about insecurities and that nagging belief that everyone would eventually leave me. My mother, my husband, Dalton, Mic and even Harm, they all were gone at some point for various reasons. None of them had been my fault even though I'd consciously muddled
Speaking of Harm, he's been TAD since the night I asked him to leave my apartment. A high profile case whisked him away to Naples and we haven't spoken since. I didn't seek him out like I would have in the past and the emails I drafted - four of them - sit in my inbox without being sent.
I do miss him but I also needed time to process everything without Harm hovering. In a way, I think he needed this too, if his lack of contact was any sort of indication. It's a little sad but, I realize I don't need the crutch he was offering and this brake may have been the do-over that we needed.
The girly side of me wants him to sweep me off my feet and carry me away. The logical side knows that we have one hell of an uphill battle if we stay together. Having a child out of wedlock will likely be another chink in my career but, I'm strong enough to weather the storm - I have to be because there's a little one depending on me now.
At five months you'd figure I'd be showing more but I've only needed to make a small alteration to my skirts and as for my tummy, there is a bump but it's a tiny one. I also don't feel pregnant. Not that I know what it should feel like but I've been around a pregnant Harriet enough to know about morning sickness, aching back and feet. Cravings? Shouldn't I be craving chocolate ice cream with pickles or some equally disgusting combination?
Instead I sit on my sofa making work out of a rather large bag of caramel corn watching Notorious with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant. The movie is halfway through when a knock at my door has me audibly cursing. I pat my slightly protruding belly and sigh, "Sorry kid, sometimes your mother has a mouth like a sailor."
I'm a little surprised to find an actual sailor standing in the hallway holding, what appear to be, two dozen wildflowers. They're not your typical roses, which most men have given me. Instead there are purple flowers, orange flowers, yellow carnations and even a bird of paradise in the center.
It's vibrant and stunning and the man that holds them out to me looks like he's been run over by a tomcat and left for dead. "I wanted to call but-" He says and I'm about to let him in when Harm raises his hand and stops me mid sentence. "You can't keep me away from my kid. You know I won't let that happen."
He looks pitiful and whatever vestiges of anger once lived within me are gone. It does hurt a little that he thinks so poorly of me. Even if this thing between us never works, he'd always have a place in our child's life.
"Come in, Harm. This isn't a conversation to have out in the hallway." Especially with Nosy Mrs. Nelson, my next door neighbor that always has her ear to the door.
Harm places the flowers on the coffee table and takes a quick look at my apartment. It's freshly painted, has a new sofa and coffee table and some of the furniture was rearranged. "You've been busy."
"Change is a good thing, I'm told."
He snorts, stares at the furniture and then eyes my belly. "Should you be doing any of this in your condition?"
I roll my eyes at him, count to ten and try not to shoot from the hip - an exercise McCool offered to help control any emotionally driven impulsive thoughts. "I'm not invalid, just pregnant…Movers brought in the furniture."
"And the paint? The fumes? Fumes can't be good for the baby, Mac."
"I stayed at a hotel for a few days while it aired out."
"Oh." The wind is blown out of his sails as he shoves his hands into the pocket of his jeans. Harm doesn't look any less pitiful. "Look, I know we're probably through but, don't cut me out of the baby's life, please."
"I wasn't planning on cutting you out of the baby's life." If anything I know he'd be a great father, that's one thing I never doubted.
"But you were planning an abortion and weren't gonna tell me."
His comment makes me feel dirty because the thought had crossed my mind and if I hadn't been so far along…. "It was a thought and maybe if it were only a few weeks-"
"Why?"
"I was a mess and wasn't in the healthiest place to entertain thoughts about a baby and all that one entails. We both made our little pact rather recklessly - five years is a short time."
Harm looks away from me and casfs his eyes down. "I meant it but I never thought it would happen… I had a lot of time to think in Naples, it's a lot of logistics."
"It is. But, we still have a little time to put it all together."
"We?" His eyes find mine. Those incredibly blue orbs are shining brightly and I so hope our child's are the same.
"Yeah, we. I know what I want, Harm. It's what I've always wanted and I'm finally at a place where I know I'm whole again." I haven't had a nightmare, panic attack, headache or any other malady in weeks. The weight I've lost has been replaced and a little more was added. I'm me again - but better than before.
"What do you want, Mac?" He inches close to me, stopping a few inches away.
"You…Us… I want…Mmmmm-"
I'm not sure how it happens but a moment later, Harm is kissing me. It's a deep and sexy, soul searching kinda kiss that makes me a little dizzy. We've kissed before many times and yet, this one is the kind I've always dreamt of sharing with him.
No anger or angst and no insecurities. He knows what he wants just as much as I do. "Take me to bed." I manage to say between kisses and without another word, Harm lifts me up and carries me into my bedroom.
…….
"You're not really showing." We lay together wonderfully naked and happily spent. Harm's palm covers my belly, his fingers running circles over the tiny bump. "Shouldn't you show more? Harriet was huge."
"Doc says I'm healthy and so is the baby. Some women won't show until the last two months." Apparently development and baby bumps can be smaller for first time pregnancies.
"Gotcha." He doesn't seem convinced but places a kiss on my belly anyway. I hear him whispering too, something about love and promises and I realize he's talking to the baby - our baby. "Can I go to your next doctor's appointment?"
"Of course."
He props his head up and grins, "Can I go to all of your appointments?"
I grin back as I imagine him doting over the image on the black and white monitor, the first views of the life we created. My grin is wiped off completely as I recall one he wasn't a part of one specific appointment when I would have known the baby's gender. "I'm sorry."
"What's wrong?"
I shift from under him and reach across to the drawer of one of my nightstands. "I had an ultrasound done and you may have missed one thing." I unfurl the images, five to be exact each with the words 'It's a Girl!' across a black portion of each paper along with my last name and age.
Harm studies each small page as if going over complex legal texts. He frowns a few times, shakes his head and I brace myself for an argument that never comes. To be fair, I was too excited to wait and unsure of where we stood.
"A girl?" He looks up at me and back at the images that he holds in his hands like spun glass. Harm runs his index finger over one of the pictures and looks back at me. "How do they know?"
"Not a clue." You can see the clear profile of a baby but other than that, it's confusing.
"Is there…umm can I have a copy?"
His expression is adorable, just like a little boy and I honestly can't refuse that sweet expression. It also helps that I asked for a second copy. "That one is yours…it's for you…Even if you were mad at me I felt you needed a copy."
"Really?" Harm flashes that flyboy smile, the one that still makes my stomach flutter. He stares at one of the pictures for quite a long time and then places it on the nightstand. "Thank you for that, Mac. I'm…I'm at a loss for words."
"Call me Sarah…Not always but, times like this-"
"I thought that reminded you of-"
"Sadik?" He nods and I take a deep breath. "I haven't thought about him in weeks. He doesn't haunt my dreams. He doesn't matter anymore."
"You've changed."
"All for the better, I promise."
Harm sits up and looks at me and, by the way he smiles, I can tell that he likes what he sees. "Welcome back, Sarah."
