Sara exited the building to see the sun was shining. She squinted as she threw her sunglasses on and breathed in. Seeing Doug again had her thrown a bit off balance. While she didn't feel for him what he made clear he still felt for her, she was confronted with a version of herself she'd long forgotten, and with the state of her current romantic life.
"Sara."
She missed him enough that she could swear she could hear his voice. Until she realized—
"Sara."
She spun around to see that voice speaking was real, and it really was him. Her mouth fell slightly agape.
"Gil… what are you doing here—" Her brows furrowed as she stood in place.
He cut her off by placing his lips against hers. His hand slid onto the side of her face. Six months. He'd been fantasizing about doing this for six months. The back three being the most difficult.
"Hi." He smiled as he pulled back from their kiss.
"Hey." She smiled back, surprise layered thickly in her tone.
"We docked in San Diego. I need to be back in 32 hours."
"Oh. I—" She looked down at her hand to see D.B. calling her. "Hey—" She answered the phone, "I just walked out. Well, let me see if Greg is free. Gil's here…"
He could hear part of the response on the other side of the phone, "I thought you two hadn't spoken…"
Does she confide in this person about our marriage? He began to wonder.
"I'll circle back with you." Sara hung up the phone and returned her attention to Grissom, "I'm so happy to see you—but I wish I would have known. I could have switched around my shifts."
He nodded, "I didn't know I was coming…"
"So why did you?"
"I don't know… I just had this feeling." He shook his head a little, unable to even attempt at putting it into words. His words always failed him with her. Even now, after all this time. "So when we docked in San Diego instead of Mexico…" He shrugged, "I tried calling you back along my way."
"I'll tap Greg and see if I can handoff this call out." She touched his hand and gave him a small smile. But all Grissom could see was the sadness Doug Wilson had just warned him about.
Greg had been willing to field the call out after Sara explained the situation to him, giving the pair a chance to be together. They stopped off at Frank's for breakfast before heading home.
"Dr. Grissom, welcome back." The redheaded waitress placed two mugs on the table. He was amazed that after all this time, he was still known in the spots he would frequent. In some ways it felt like he never left. But in most other ways, everything around him felt foreign. Even Sara to an extent.
He took in her demeanor in each hour of their short time together. She was sad and maybe a little resigned. Doug's words continued to echo through his mind. Take care of our girl. She deserves it. Maybe he wasn't taking care of her… maybe this distance was taking its toll on her. Maybe… this wasn't good for her anymore. Maybe she knew this, but she couldn't leave Vegas, and couldn't leave him…
His thoughts began to spiral. Was he the root of her sadness? And for how long had it been this way? Had he been so focused on his adventure that she'd become collateral damage?
When he walked into their home it felt different too. She took off her shoes and walked ahead of him into the kitchen as he looked around, observing the lifestyle she'd been keeping over these six months without him. The coffee table had two thick stacks of books and a police scanner sat next to them.
"Water?" She called to him from the kitchen.
"Yeah, thanks." He began to walk toward her but instead turned into the study. He smiled as he looked at the wall above the desk. The framed bumblebee and butterfly displayed. But that smile began to fade back as he thought about how lonely she seemed. Tethered to him but worlds away.
He noticed the stack of letters sitting on the desk. The ones he had sent her when he first set sail. It was only then that he realized how long it had been since he thought to send one. Being out to sea had been an incredible journey for him. He felt like he was doing a lot of good, utilizing his scientific mind and unencumbered by the physical walls of society.
He picked up the letter on the top of the stack. It was one he had drawn a whale on. He smiled at how much better his sketching had become since sending this particular letter. That was something Carly had taught him. How to draw.
"It's all about using your observation skills and honing a craft." She had explained to him.
"Here you go." Sara walked into the study and handed him the glass of water. "Checking in on your friends?" She questioned and when she saw the confused expression spread over his face she added through pursed lips, "Your books."
A smile replaced his look, "You hung our other friends." He spoke as he gestured toward the bee and butterfly. Two African Violets sitting on the desk. One from him from nearly a decade ago. The other from his mother.
"Seemed like a good place for it." She shrugged.
He took a tentative step toward her.
"May I?"
A small smile pulled at the corners of her lips. He hadn't acted this hesitantly toward her in years. So she nodded and leaned into his touch. Feeling his hand raised to her face. His lips found hers softly.
"So you worked a double with Doug?"
She looked at him with bewildered eyes, "How'd you know—"
"I ran into him on his way out of lab."
"I see."
"I didn't realize you two dated."
"Oh, I don't know if I would have called that dating…"
A long pause later Grissom spoke, "He did." Then shrugged.
"A different lifetime."
"So, how long? You know, before you moved here did it end?"
"I guess the night before I flew in to help with the Holly Gribbs case." She looked at him a bit shocked now, "Girss, I know in the past, you've said you consider the Forensic Academy Conference to be when we first got together… But you know that's not accurate? right? We didn't talk, we didn't live in the same city…"
"Kind of like now?" He asked honestly, feeling insecure about their union.
"No… I don't mean it like that." She shook her head to get herself back on track, "Nothing happened with Doug, I mean, in this millennia." She scanned his face, "What?"
"I was just wondering if this is how you must have felt upon meeting Julia Holden."
A pursed smile pulled at her lips. "If we're com comparing, meeting Julia like that was much worse."
"Yeah. I don't doubt it. C'mon. Let's get some sleep." He kissed her forehead.
When he entered the bedroom, he was confronted with more evidence of her loneliness. Case files stacked on the bedside table. Two folders laid on what was his side of the bed.
Even after he felt her breathing even out and drift off, he couldn't sleep. His mind was racing relentlessly. He had a terrible feeling that he was about to have to contemplate something he never fathomed. Because she is the only person he'd ever wanted like this. She was his best friend, his most trusted partner. His intellectual spar. He glanced over at her sleeping face.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
He pulled his duffle over his shoulder and looked at her with deeply sad eyes. "Sara…" His voice was soft and tentative.
"Yeah?" She responded, the sadness in her voice was thick. It through him off.
"I—I—"
"It's okay." She shook her head softly.
But he didn't want to be let off the hook for being unable to find his words. When they had sex earlier that morning, knowing he needed to leave in just a few hours, it had felt so different from any time previously. And afterward he was left feeling a deep pit of sadness.
He moved toward her and wrapped her in a hug before stepping back and stating finally, "I think we need to think about this." He gestured between the two of them. "I'm concerned that this isn't working for you anymore."
"Gil…" And of course, a call from the lab.
"Take it." He urged as he readjusted his pack, "I'll try and call when we port in Mexico."
She touched his cheek, "I love you, Gil."
He smiled sadly, "Me too." He kissed her lips with feathery lightness before turning around and leaving the house. He could hear her answer her supervisor's call as he closed the door behind him.
July 2012
Sara listened to the voicemail that had just come through from Grissom while she was held up in an interrogation.
"Sara… Call me when you can. We uh—we should talk." She listened to the voicemail a second time. Detecting the inflection of his voice. Her stomach dropped. She knew if she called him back she'd have to hear what he had to say, and she already knew that she didn't want to hear it. For now, it was easier to just keep ignoring his calls. So when she saw his name appear again on the caller I.D., she quickly forwarded it to voicemail.
D.B. and Sara stood in the reporter's home. The victim of their current case. Looking for her work files.
"Maybe it's in the bedroom. I know when I take work home it often ends up there."
"Yeah, but you're not single. You're married." He retorted.
"Yeah…" She responded. He detected the slight hesitation in her voice as she spoke. "But um, my place often looks a lot like this." Like she's single was the subtext there. She smiled sadly, something not lost on D.B.
Sara and D.B. had become very comfortable since he'd joined the team. He actually reminded her a lot of Dave Crow. They were even the same age and looked similar. Thick white hair, tall and lanky. D.B. even knew Dave, strangely enough. The two had worked a case together a few years back when a serial killer had jumped the boarder from San Fransisco to Seattle.
She and D.B. shared a subtle understanding of one another. Their childhoods were similar in the sense that they were both moved around a lot, often obsessed over the details. He was even a little goofy just like Dave, too. She liked that.
Sara silenced her phone as it rang again, standing in the layout room with Finn.
"Have you two talked since the NTSB guy?"
"Nothing happened with NTSB." She defended quickly.
"How come you can't pick up the phone?" Finn was reading the situation very accurately and sometimes Sara enjoyed being able to confide in her. It was too hard with Nick or Greg. They were too close to it all.
"Because… I feel like when I do, I'm going to be very sad when I hang up."
"How do you know?" She pried softly.
"Because he wants to talk."
"That's not always a bad thing."
She smiled sadly, "If you knew him… he's not much of a talker."
"I see."
Sara sat on D.B.'s couch, filling him in on her and Finn's findings. Even after all this time, and all the decor changes, it was still a little weird to be in Grissom's old office like this. A place where they shared such a rich history. Fraught with rejection and connection.
Sara looked down at her hands as the conversation had come to a close. D.B. took in her appearance.
"Hey, Sara. Let me ask you something." He knew to tread lightly here, knowing Sara wasn't one to talk about herself, her feelings, what was really going on with her. But he knew he needed to try. "How you doing? You alright?"
"I'm fine." Her defensive walls were already up.
"You just, you've seemed a little down lately. And especially when we were at the vic's home."
"Oh, um—I don't know. A woman married to her career without much to show for it." She shrugged sadly, "It's a little depressing."
"I don't mean to pry, when your husband was here a few weeks ago… did something happen?"
"No, but um, I don't know. It just feels like things are ending."
"Did he say something?"
"No. But he's not here. He has no plans to return. I have no plans to leave."
"I see. Look, I don't want to lose you, you're a gifted criminalist, but why won't you go join him?"
"Pause right there."
"I know, I know. I'm your boss. Separation of church and state but—"
"No, hit pause." Sara pointed at the video he'd been watching of the newscast. The topic was dropped as Sara showed D.B. what she'd just seen on the screen.
The pair hit the ground running to follow the lead, abandoning the conversation until much later in the shift.
"Alright, Sara. Tell me." D.B. sat next to her to reengage their conversation from earlier that evening. "What's going on with Gil?"
She smiled sadly. No one here ever called him Gil. And maybe it was because D.B. had never crossed paths with Grissom that she felt more able to confide in him now. Everyone else held him to such high standards, he was so revered in these walls.
"He wants to talk."
"I see." D.B. took a breath, "And you don't?"
"I have a bad feeling about what he wants to talk about and—" Her voice cracked slightly, "I'm not sure I want to hear it."
"Long distance relationships are especially hard. My wife and I had to do it for a while, you know that." Sara nodded, trying her best to will away the tears that were threatening to form, "Without an expiration date on the distance, they're even harder." She nodded again but stayed silent, "Sometimes love isn' enough—sometimes it is. But eventually, someone's got to step up and make the decision." He paused for a moment, letting her take in his words, "Either way, dodging the calls may feel good for now, avoiding reality is tricky that way. But eventually, it just makes it that much worse."
He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Hang in there Sar—you never know what he may say until you hear him out."
Her phone began to buzz and D.B. caught sight of the caller I.D.
"Take it." He urged as he stood and left his office leaving her in there alone. She looked around the room she stood in, his old office. The office she'd escaped to so many times for a quick moment alone together. The office their relationship had budded and took form. The office that was once filled with his quirky hobbies and experiments. She could picture him sitting there behind the desk now. His reading glasses perched on his nose. His thinking face on…
"Hello." Her voice was soft and its crackling surprised her as she spoke. The tears were already threatening to fall.
"You've been hard to get a hold of." Grissom's voice was just a soft and almost relaxed, but not quite. She swallowed hard.
"Yeah, Um, I'm sorry. How are you?"
"I'm okay." His voice seemed resigned which terrified her to hear, "Is um, is now a good time?"
"Yeah."
"You seem sad."
"I have a feeling I know what you're about to say."
She could hear him breathe on the other side of the phone, softly, not expelling, "I see." There was an eerie silence between them now and she waited patiently for him to continue. "I've been thinking a lot… more then usual… and, I just think it's for the best, Sara."
He wasn't going to spell it out for her. Not unless she forced him to—she knew that. But the subtext to his words caused a tear to cascade down her cheeks. Her chest felt tight.
"Griss, I'm just—I.." She couldn't gather her thoughts. They were flailing around in her mind like unruly children.
He sighed sadly, "We both know this isn't working."
He was right, she knew that. But it still hurt all the same. His voce was small but not hesitant. Like he'd rehearsed this—god knows she gave him enough time to do that.
"I think that, if there's something we could do to change things, we would have done it by now." He could hear a small sob coming through the phone as he spoke and it broke his heart.
"Yeah."
"I wish we didn't have to do this over the phone." He admitted, he was trying to keep even for Sara's sake, but it was proving difficult. All he wanted to do was hold her, tell her she was going to be okay, to somehow state how meaningful their time together had been but now he felt he had to set her free. That he was holding her back from a life she'd be happier in.
"Gil…" His name trailed off her lips in a heartbreaking crackle, pleadingly.
"I think this is best for you."
"What does that mean?" She croaked.
He paused, letting a long moment pass, trying his best to choose his words with even more care then he typically did, "You deserve to be happy. To be with someone who is willing to be in Vegas with you. Someone your age, maybe. Someone who can be there for you."
"You make me happy." She admitted.
"I don't think that's completely accurate anymore." Admitting this out loud caused him such searing pain, but he knew he needed to do this for her.
"So you're just giving up?"
"Do you trust me?"
"You know I do."
"I think this is what's best for us. I wish it were different—" This made her sadness turn to anger in an instant.
"Fine." She said, almost child-like. Her anger was taking the reigns now, "Fine." She repeated.
"Sara…" Her name danced off his tongue.
"Yeah?" But no reply came. Just like the countless number of times that exchange had gone before. But this time, the line it typically danced between endearing and frustrating tipped over. She had no patience for it in this context. She finally spoke to fill the silence. Her voice sad again, weak and hoarse with tears, "Do what you need to do, Griss."
"I love you." He whispered. But no reply came. She'd hung up the phone.
