I am in Elias's office waiting for everything to unfold. Elias says nothing to me, rather he reads that stupid letter and speaks to Jon, who will listen to this recording later. Elias asked me here, and he ignores me, and I am miffed about it. I know he has his reasons, and he wants me here when everything happens, but this is ridiculous. I am bored. Martin comes in, and his mouth flops open and closed like a fish when he sees me. Elias clears his throat and Martin shakes his head, "Uh. So sorry to interrupt you, but Jon is on his way, and he's–well, he seems angry." Of course he is. Elias does that to people.
Martin doesn't have any time to elaborate because Jon and those two cops barge in. One of them is the one I dislike, and the other one is one that I have yet to build a proper rapport with. I have so much to do it would seem. Jon doesn't even pay me any attention either. He targets Elias, compelling him. I sink deeper into my chair. What did Elias want me here for?
Elias admits to having murdered Jurgen Leitner. Lightning branches through the room at that. Discussion of Leitner floods in for a moment. Elias asks Martin to fetch the others, and I put my face in my hands. Ugh, I feel like a third wheel. What do I do? They're all going to absolutely hate him. What do I do to make sure they don't treat me strangely? I need them to have a separation between us. It will be easier if they're some kind of friendly with me. Elias, I hate you for putting me in this position. Everything about Sasha and Leitner and Jon tumbles around in the room like a can full of marbles. The sound of my own thoughts rattles me.
My thoughts are racing, and their conversation is passing while I struggle to find anything to work with. I ought to do something.
Daisy wants to kill him. Basira signed with the institute. Even with everything happening and the threats bouncing back and forth, Daisy remains set on her warpath. What should I do? How do I fix this? Elias, what are you doing? I don't understand why I am here.
"Wait, please!" I stand between them, and my legs wobble. I am shaking. I don't particularly desire to do this, but it might be enough of a shock. The room that was so loud before is quiet, and Daisy has a gun pointed at me. It's not intended for me though. Fucking hell.
"So, he's a monster! So what? If this is about hunting monsters take me instead. Satisfy yourself with me."
"Helen, you–"
"I've tormented plenty of people in my lifetime. If you have to take someone, take me, but it's dangerous to hurt Elias. It'll hurt all of us. You heard him. Just take me instead. Don't act like this won't satisfy some hunger within you. You aren't any different."
"What are you going on about, Helen?"
"You really think what he said is true? That's ridiculous."
"I'm Renee Solomon's daughter."
Martin guffaws, and Jon turns a wide stare on me. I can feel him trying to see through me.
"If you kill me, the only person you care about will be gone forever, and it will be horrible. It would be a stupid mistake on your part to kill Helen." He spits his words. There is anger in his voice. He has the audacity to be upset! Calls me here, doesn't tell me shit, and gets angry when I act. I can never read you Elias! How am I supposed to know what you expect of me?
"You piece of shit." She looks into me, yet I feel those words directed at Elias and me. Her focus includes me now, "You're the woman involved in all those missing person cases."
Melanie is freaking out, and Tim is numb to the shock at this point. He lets out a bitter bark of laughter.
"Helen destroys Leitners, Daisy." So we're just telling people things now? "Don't do something you will regret."
Daisy lowers the gun, and sighs fill the room. I sink to the floor, and I am so tired. I just sit there. Martin looks at me with a question on his tongue. Melanie looks away when I catch her eyes. Basira is talking Daisy down, a hand on her shoulder. Elias ends the chatter, and excuses everyone except for Jon and I. Jon and Elias go back and forth in discussion. I am invisible again. I might as well be. Jon and Elias's discussion ends, but he does not leave. They both turn to me.
Jon asks, "What is all this? Why are you here?"
Elias shakes his head, "Poor Helen here has been your stand-in at the institute in your absence. Helen go help Jon get settled back in." Pure dismissal. He doesn't even look at me. He looks at Jon. I clench my jaw. I don't want to give up what pride I do have, but maybe I could close the distance.
"I'm sorry, Elias–"
"Don't you dare." His words are sharp and pointed, and he has nothing more to say to us. It is time to go. I cannot stand the way he looks upon me now. I cannot read his eyes.
I leave the office with Jon trailing behind me, and the walk to the Archives is painfully quiet.
"That explains a lot about you." If only you knew, you silly little man.
"You sent me that tape, didn't you?" Which one? "What for?" So many fucking questions from the wonderful inquisitive archivist. It tickles a bit, the asking. I will not be playing your game of twenty questions, Jon.
"There's more going on than you realize, and I don't think I can tell you." Pushing against his compulsion presses against my skull like a pounding migraine. He's getting good at this, but I'm better. I push back.
"Right," he huffs, "I have to find out for myself." His power struggles to claw through me, but the soil it digs at does not give. There is nothing to find where you're looking. He could learn how to ask things better.
"Yeah. I tried to keep things organized here though. I don't really have any experience with archival duties." It isn't like you have a degree in library science. I'm pretty sure the qualifications are no qualifications.
"Do you really destroy Leitners?" More curiosity there than compulsion. I will allow this I suppose.
"Yeah."
"How?" You push your luck.
"Well, it's a bit dangerous, and I sort of just know things about them." The headache sinks away, the pounding is now a dull thud. I could pat myself on the back right now. I have contributed to this growth of his in some small way at the very least. He's also finally less pissy with me. I remember back when he followed me home, and that was so stupid. I also got kidnapped shortly after that, so there is that.
"It's weird, the knowing." Jon has come into a lot of strengths in a short period of time, and now more than ever, my guidance can impact him. I really ought to get on his good side. I think maybe that stunt I pulled was of some help. I have taken some risks with them, but I did weigh them all before acting.
"There are stranger things." I have my work cut out for me.
Elias has nothing to say to me over the next few days. I am hanging from my fingertips at the edge of a cliff, I have so much to do, and not enough strength to do everything I want to do. I have to focus on work and Jon returning to the institute. He actually hated my sorting method, and I have more work as a result. I am also catching up on the backlog from my time away from storage. Needless to say, I crave a cup of tea that is so far out of reach. I am angry at him because I have not had a chance to speak to him, and I am angry at him for not saying anything to me. The car rides to and from work are dead air with the occasional radio channel changing warble as Elias turns on the radio to fill the silence before it grows any heavier. I want him to say something, and I want him to explain himself.
"Your life is not yours to lose, do you understand?" Not mine to lose. That's how you break this? A hell of an ice breaker! A little possessive, yet you leave me with more questions than answers as usual.
I don't know if his lack of communication or what he says makes me angrier. Is angry even right? Would it be weird if I say my heart is skipping beats? I can't even say it is an oncoming panic attack. It feels different, like the flap of a hummingbird's wings. It shakes me to my core, but I cannot figure out which strings it tugs in my heart.
"Not really." Say something more. Is that all you're going to leave me with? You're the worst! I am less and less sure what I am even doing these days. I have wandered life without purpose, without much of a life, in search of something. I wanted to find it in you, I really did, but maybe there is no point in it all. What do I even want? I think maybe I could be happy with this, maybe with you. This horrible cyclical existence of suffering and living is awful, but I will not be the one who suffers the most. I just want to enjoy myself, and to live, is that so wrong? I know I lost my humanity a long time ago, and I am something else altogether, but is there really right and wrong? Does a tree ask which way to grow? Now, I do what I must to live. I am only living. I want more than to survive. Doesn't everybody? If this is wrong, then I shall be wrong until the end of days, and I will watch everything crumble before I let go.
Jonah, I want this. I want it so bad.
I left behind morals I suppose when I was a monster luring people to their loneliness wanderings. It's not that I would do anything for him, it's just that I would do anything I can to be kept entertained I suppose. I just want to enjoy my life. Sure, there's a cost, but I'm not going to be the one paying it. I think I have come to realize that those like us became something distant from such things some time ago.
The way that I feel, this strangeness, this spark, I hope against all things that it might just be that awful stupid intoxicating enigma. Is it possible to half-believe things, because I do. I want it to be love, and I also don't. It feels that much more significant and that much more grave all at once. Oh, Elias, you will be the end of me. How did I end up here? His eyes don't waver; they never do. They stare into mine, burning and gleaming.
"I suppose I will just have to make you understand."
A frosty shock crawls up my spine. I cannot quite tell if it was flirtatious or a threat, a flirtatious threat perhaps? Whatever becomes of us?
