[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HEATHER
Are you the archivist?

HELEN
No, he isn't in at the moment. I can take your statement though.

HEATHER
Okay.

HELEN
Does that work for you?

HEATHER
Yeah, I guess.

HELEN
Well, we can start whenever you're ready.

HEATHER
I guess I am ready then.

HELEN
Wonderful. Statement of Heather Kent regarding…

HEATHER
Well, I've been seeing things at night.

HELEN
Cool cool. Regarding shadow people. Statement begins.

HEATHER
How did you know it was shadow people?

HELEN
It's really quite common.

HEATHER
So you believe me then?

HELEN
We'll see what you have to say first.

HEATHER
Well, sometimes I feel like someone's watching me, and I see like a shadow out of the corner of my eye.

HELEN
How often? What are they like? How does it make you feel?

HEATHER
Well, they always are worse before I have exams, and–

HELEN
I'm sorry, did you say exams?

HEATHER
Yes, I'm in university.

HELEN
Oh, and uh, how much sleep would you say you get when you start to see these more?

HEATHER
You don't believe me.

HELEN
It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that you are at a very stressful and vulnerable point in your life that involves a lot of caffeine and minimal sleep. It wouldn't surprise me if you're seeing things that aren't there. Things will get better with time, okay?

HEATHER
I guess that does make a bit of sense.

HELEN
I do believe you that you saw things. I promise.

HEATHER
Thank you, I think I'm going to go now, I have to get back to studying.

HELEN
Get some rest, Heather.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HELEN
Statement of Sydney Jones regarding a locked door. Statement begins.

SYDNEY
So, do I just like, talk about it?

HELEN
Yes, ma'am!

SYDNEY
It's not really a locked door, but like my bathroom door will lock on its own.

HELEN
When does that happen?

SYDNEY
When I'm using the bathroom.

HELEN
Okay, yeah, and what else.

SYDNEY
Well, it locks sometimes when I am showering, and it just sucks so bad to be naked with the door locked and no way out.

HELEN
You sure it's not just the door?

SYDNEY
Well, I tried changing the lock.

HELEN
Do you have any roommates or anyone that would mess with you?

SYDNEY
Well, yes, but no. It locks when I am home alone.

HELEN
Anything else? What happens? When do you get out? How does it make you feel?

SYDNEY
Well, I feel annoyed. I usually just jiggle the door a bunch until it unlocks. There's nobody on the other side. That's about it I guess.

HELEN
How often does it happen?

SYDNEY
At least once a week.

HELEN
Does it ever happen to your roommates?

SYDNEY
Yeah, on occasion.

HELEN
How much are you paying for rent?

SYDNEY
What does that have to do with this?

HELEN
I would just like to get an idea of what kind of place you live at. Maybe, it is locking, but maybe it's not a ghost or anything. It might just be your home.

SYDNEY
But, why would it do that?

HELEN
I don't know.

SYDNEY
Well, what are you going to do about it?

HELEN
Sydney, this isn't really something that sounds like it needs investigation if I am being honest.

SYDNEY
So, you're not going to help me?

HELEN
Would it make you feel better if I sent an assistant to your home to look at the door and lock?

SYDNEY
Would you?

HELEN
Yeah, sure. I can do that.

SYDNEY
I know it's silly, but thank you.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HELEN
So, go ahead and start with your name and the incident you're here to report.

AXTON
Right, well my name is Axton, and I am here to talk about my fear of meat.

HELEN
Meat?

AXTON
I know it sounds silly, but it's just so gross. Raw meat can be so dangerous, and then it goes bad and it stinks, and there's flies, and it's the worst.

HELEN
Okay, that's okay, go ahead. I'm listening.

AXTON
Well I recently graduated and moved away from my school. I don't have much, so my flat's not the best. For the past few months, I have had this roommate that just has so much meat. He left like two weeks ago, but we weren't able to replace him on the lease. The penalty was honestly worth it though. He was the worst.

HELEN
Where does the meat come into play?

AXTON
He would leave raw meat out in a plate on the kitchen counter, and he would lose his marbles if you touched it. It would get old and have this really awful stench. He would also keep meat way past its life in the fridge, and I swear I saw it moving. I don't even know what he did with it when he got rid of it. It would just be gone. It was so nasty though.

HELEN
Sounds pretty nasty, yeah. What else?

AXTON
Well, that's it. It was really strange and gross, and now I am a vegetarian.

HELEN
My condolences. Is there anything else?

AXTON
Not really, no.

HELEN
Hmm, okay.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

TIM
So the door sometimes locks?

HELEN
Yup.

TIM
And you are making me go investigate it?

HELEN
It seems to me like you have a perfectly good understanding of what I have asked you to do, Tim.

TIM
Do I just like use the bathroom?

HELEN
I don't know. That's for you to figure out.

TIM
Fine.

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HELEN
Statement of Reese Williamson regarding?

REESE
It's just Williams.

HELEN
Sorry, right. Statement of Reese Willem regarding…

REESE
No, it-it's Williams.

HELEN
Wilkins?

REESE
Williams.

HELEN
Wilson?

REESE
Yeah, Wilson, sure. Close enough, and it's about a ghost I think.

HELEN
Wonderful. Statement of Reese Williams regarding a ghost.

REESE
I first saw him at a coffee shop I think? I see him here and there now, and every time, it's like he's there and then he's gone.

HELEN
Where else have you seen him?

REESE
At the movie theater. At the back of my class. At the library. In the park. I just, I see him everywhere, and when I look back he's never there.

HELEN
And you are here because.

REESE
Well, like, he's a ghost right?

HELEN
Isn't that what you're here to tell me?

REESE
I just want it to stop.

HELEN
Can I be honest with you Reese?

REESE
You think I'm crazy.

HELEN
Reese, I don't think it's a ghost, but I do think you may have a stalker. I would reach out to a hotline for help and inform people close to you about the situation. I can't really help with a stalker situation. I deal in ghost stories.

REESE
Oh, that makes a lot of sense actually. Thank you.

HELEN
Don't get lost on the way out, Reese.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HELEN
Did you really make Martin go too?

TIM
It was crazy. I wanted Martin to give it a shot too.

HELEN
And you, what, showered at this person's flat?

TIM
It wasn't my idea, they begged me to shower.

MARTIN
He's not kidding. I did it just to make them stop.

HELEN
And how did that go?

TIM
Well, it was the weirdest thing! The door actually locked on its own, so I called Martin over to make sure it wasn't Sydney or one of their roommates because it sounded like someone was walking around near the door.

MARTIN
Yeah, I heard footsteps, and it locked.

TIM
And, I didn't see anyone.

HELEN
Weird.

TIM
So now what?

HELEN
I don't know. Uh, what would Jon do?

TIM
Complain. Discredit it. Nothing

HELEN
So, we're just done now?

MARTIN
I don't really think there's anything I can do, and it's not like it's hurting them.

HELEN
Done deal!

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

HELEN
Right, can I get your name and details of the incident?

CHAD
Well, my name is Chad, and I needed to tell you about a haunted electric kettle.

HELEN
A haunted tea kettle.

CHAD
So like, I have an electric kettle, because it's convenient and it's great, you know! I love tea. It's a really good kettle, and I have had it for quite some time now. It just clicks on and boils water all willy-nilly, when I don't even want it to. Why does the ghost want me to drink so much tea? I have to pee so much already. I can't keep up with the amount of water it wants me to drink. Do you think it's trying to kill me?

HELEN
Does it have a switch? How does it turn on?

CHAD
Well, you press the switch down, and then it turns on, and when the water is boiling it clicks off.

HELEN
So, you don't think it could click on on its own, even though it clicks off on its own.

CHAD
Definitely not.

HELEN
Maybe it's like an energy current thing triggering it, then the switch doesn't have to go down. A surge could turn it on.

CHAD
No. I think it's a ghost. I'll be grabbing a mug, and it will just turn on.

HELEN
Maybe it's just old and finicky.

CHAD
Look, I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and you clearly don't believe me! I just want it to stop.

HELEN
Why not get rid of it?

CHAD
Are you kidding me? It's not like it's broken. It makes hot water. I don't want to buy a new one, and wait for it to get shipped to me.

HELEN
I just think this is outside of my job description, Chad.

CHAD
Can I at least ask you for like a cup of tea? Do you have any refreshments or anything around here?

HELEN
I can go grab you a cup of tea, stay right there.

MELANIE
There's literally tea there. She just left you.

CHAD
Do you think I'm being haunted?

MELANIE
Sure.

HELEN
Chad, did you want any lemon or honey or anything like that?

CHAD
Just tea is fine.

HELEN
Okay. Be right back.

MELANIE
I'll go check on her.

CHAD
Who needs two people to get tea?
[SHARP SOUNDS OF DISTORTION IN THE RECORDING]

PETER
Is Helen here? Oh, there's no one here.

CHAD
I'm here.

PETER
Who are you?

CHAD
My name is Chad, I am giving a statement about my haunted tea kettle to Helen. She said she would be right back.

PETER
When did she say that?

CHAD
A few minutes ago.

PETER
There is tea right there.

CHAD
She said she had to get stuff.

PETER
You're a bright one, aren't you? Wasting her precious time over some kettle huh?

CHAD
I said I was giving a statement. Isn't that what they do here? Whatever, I already gave it. I guess I can go.

PETER
You certainly can go.
[SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION]

HELEN
Sorry I took so long, I forgot we had tea here, oh. Peter.

PETER
Helen, how are you? You look well.

HELEN
Peter, did you-

PETER
Obviously. Come on, a haunted tea kettle. Now, he has something real!

HELEN
Sure, whatever, whatever. I lied anyway. I was just bored of him. I've had far worse days. What's up?

PETER
I would love to discuss some future workplace dynamics and circumstances with you.

HELEN
Sigh, I don't see why not.

PETER
Did you just say sigh?

HELEN
Nope.

PETER
You really are quite the character.

HELEN
Aw, thank you!

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]