"Hello, Jon," my voice tumbles from my lips in a corny low pitch as I try to mock Elias, "Wow, this is so cute!" What a sneaky move, tying it into a statement. Jon won't be able to resist.
"Did you say cute?" He turns to face me, a sliver of amusement and dramatics peaking into his words, " Helen." The way he says my name sticks at the back of my skull, and a fear of being scolded rises up in me even though I know better. He wouldn't yell at me, but then again, I did make fun of him a little bit. I need to stop being ridiculous.
"Oh don't look at me like that," if I am reading this correctly, then continuing with these teasing remarks is okay. His eyes drink me in, and I continue, "Mr. A Culmination of Two Centuries of Work!" My lips curl into a smile, and my top lip splits.
"You've gotten so bold." Oh, maybe I was wrong then. His face falls as he watches me. "Hey, hey, don't look so down. Aren't you excited?" How could I not be? Your energy is infectious.
"I am, but…" I trail off, a knot sinking in my stomach. Was I wrong?
"You're worried I'll get bored of you." His voice is different than it was a moment ago. Gone are the theatrics and amusement. There is a gentleness there that has only ever been mine, all mine.
"No–Well, yes, but–" I begin, but he gives me no room to continue.
His lips fall upon mine smothering my words. He takes a breath for a moment. "Elias, I–" but he presses another kiss to my lips. "I'm being–" –serious! He swallows my voice again and again and again. My skin is hot, the hairs rising on my arms. Damn it, Jonah! You always know how to leave me speechless.
"The last and greatest terror is your death as much as mine," he murmurs against my lips, his words sending shocks through my being.
Oh. Right. "You really love me?"
"What a silly question!" That amusement slips back into his voice, but for now my anxieties have been abated.
"I know." It's irrational–a cognitive dissonance–that my anxiety eats away at. I know that this is something he never planned for, and that he craves my existence alongside his as I do, but those dark things eat away at me regardless. Despite knowing how I feel and how he feels and the way that he reacts to me, his breath catching in his throat, his eyes never once turning away from me, I am still a mess. He has released me for now, but I frame his face, tugging him back. I wish I could just crawl inside your ribcage and never leave, the warmth of your blood surrounding me. I press my lips against his cheek, as they split into another smile.
So, this is it. Now, we wait. "This plan of yours that I was never a part of…" I trail off again. I guess even knowing things as they are now, I cannot help but feel that I have ruined everything because you had envisioned it all happening differently. I know. I know! It's ridiculous, but that cognitive dissonance is my worst enemy.
"Has changed countless times." He takes a half-step away from me, and I huff. No, I will not be doing this, not this time. You can't keep giving me a little and then pulling away. I need so much more. You are mine as much as I am yours, and you need to feel it as much as you know it.
"I want to know, Jonah," I say, a newfound resolve setting in. He sucks in a sharp breath, and the force of it through his teeth whistles against my skull. Our relationship is such a transcendent reminder of how much I have changed because the close proximity of us vibrates in my bones in an absolutely unusual way. You are a song that only I can hear and feel in this way. Your rhythm flows through my veins.
"Anything. Ask away." His eyelids flutter. His breath is short and gasping, and it's all mine.
"I want to know how you see me, how you saw me. How did I originally fit into all this? How did it change? When did it change?" I want answers, dammit! If you want things to continue as they are, then I want all of you. I don't care if it hurts or if I have to suffer, just, fuck, I need to know. Tell me. Don't waste another moment of my time in this torment. Make me know it.
He presses his hand against his mouth, and I watch as he bites into his own hand, his chest shuddering. He looks at me with hunger in his eyes, urging me on. "Well?" The color of his irises consumed by the darkness of his pupils.
His chest hitches, and he drops his hand. There is blood at his lips. "You are doing so well," he whispers, "sorry, I, yes. Well, I mean it's exactly what you used to think." He sighs and it brushes against me.
"How so?"
"You were so lost in the beginning. I saw it as a good opportunity, and I offered you a job, you know how that is. Then, you were too useful to let anyone else have you, but I, I never expected things to end up like this. I never." He takes another step back from me, and I take another forward. You already know that I will follow you wherever you go.
"I know that though. Tell me when you knew. Tell me when it changed." Another step, the wall closes in behind him. I surge forward.
"I can't tell you because I don't know, Helen," frustration eats away at his words. "I'd like to be cruel and say it happened when you got sick because you were away from the institute for some time, but I'm not entirely sure." His back finds the wall, and he presses the tips of his fingers into the wood. "If only you knew how I had felt then when Peter said he wanted you in the Lonely. If you could just see yourself the way I see you, then there would be no way you wouldn't see how much I can't live without you."
The compulsions die in my throat because it's true. It's all true. I hate that there isn't a direct answer as much as he does, and I can't be away from him a moment longer. "I do see that much at least. I feel the same about you." I can't handle this distance a moment longer, and I fall into him. He catches me with ease and impatience, his hands clinging and reassuring in the way they cinch around me. His teeth pull at my lips where it split earlier, and my blood mingles with his.
You are everything I would have wished for. I never knew so much until I met you. His lips swallow away any chance for me to say anything more, and I can taste the blood between us. He drinks in my anxieties, devours them whole. Fuck.
We are a crazy fucking mess, at least we were. He loves me even now, and he did then. I was so adamant that there was nothing to us, that there could never be because it would mean he had to have some ounce of humanity left. I denied myself the only thing that ever really mattered for so long because I didn't believe it was real. I didn't think I deserved this, or that I was even worthy of your sight. I was foolish enough to want to be known so wholly by you and also believe that it was not something for me or anyone in this way. I was so wrong. I always think I am wrong to be fair, but in this case, things are different. I want nothing else beside you, being beside you. Us, just like you said.
Laughter rings in my ears and there is radio static beneath my skin. I can see so much, the feeling of Elias pressed into me lifts, our hands still intertwined. So soon? I can hardly believe the time passed by so fast. I thought there was more, so then this fire inside me, this power.
We did it?
His arms encircle me again. I cannot help but be anchored to him. One of his arms is wrapped around my back, his fingers digging into my waist with a reassuring pressure while his other arm cradles my head against his chest.
Stay with me like this for a moment.
I could stay like this forever.
As the world spins off its axis and the stars fall from the sky, I can see everything from right here.
