This story was originally two chapters but I decided to just post it as one longer chapter this time. It takes place near the end of season 21 but Jesse, Billie and Frannie don't exist.
It's the shrill ringing that jolts her out of a dead sleep, Olivia stifling an exhausted groan as she rolls over in bed and fumbles with her cell phone, noticing Amanda's name on the screen. "Rollins, hey. We got a case?"
Olivia rubs a hand over her gritty eyes as she awaits a response, hoping she sounds at least halfway coherent at this early hour and frowning when there is no immediate reply. "Amanda? Hello? You there?"
When her questions are greeted with more silence, Olivia bolts upright on the mattress, her heart in her throat as she suddenly recalls the terrifying phone call she'd received from Amanda several months earlier. Unpleasant memories of Frank Bucci are swirling through her mind as she throws the covers away from her body and swings her legs over the side of the bed, mentally preparing herself for whatever situation is currently unfolding on the other end of the line.
"Liv..."
Olivia's frantic movements come to a brief halt at the sound of Amanda's shaky voice, fingers curled around the handle of the top drawer of her dresser and intent on getting dressed right away if she is needed.
"I'm sorry."
"What?" Olivia frowns again, the phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder as she yanks the drawer open with more force than necessary, digging around inside for a bra and a pair of underwear. "What are you talking about, Amanda? What are you sorry for? What's going on?"
"I'm sorry for calling you in the middle of the night."
"Okay..." Olivia trails off, completely perplexed as she continues to rifle through her underwear drawer. "Can you elaborate a little bit here? I don't understand what's happening right now. Are you alright?"
She stifles a sigh, frustrated and concerned when there is no answer once again. "Amanda, are you alright?" Olivia repeats in a firm tone, abandoning her dresser for the moment to pace back and forth in front of her bed. "You don't have to apologize for calling me in the middle of the night, but you're being pretty quiet and I'm getting a little nervous here. Can you tell me what's going on right now? Why you're calling? I'm guessing this has nothing to do with work."
"No." Amanda's voice is small and ragged, sounding nothing like it normally does. "It's not work. We don't have a case. It's...it's me."
"Okay, now we're getting somewhere," Olivia says in a gentler tone, figuring impatience and alarm is not the best way to get Amanda to open up and calming down slightly when she realizes that whatever is going on with her detective is likely not on the same scale as what she has been afraid of. "Are you hurt or sick?"
When there is only a loud exhale and a crackle of static in her ear, Olivia stops pacing and stands in the middle of her room, tapping one foot in a tense rhythm against the carpet. "Hey Amanda, it seems like you're having some trouble explaining what's happening right now, but I need you to try, okay? Otherwise I might have to come over there so we can talk in person."
"No, no, don't do that!" Amanda sounds rushed and regretful when she is able to speak again, and Olivia worries that she is going to hang up the phone and put an end to their strange discussion. "What about Noah?"
"I can call Lucy to come and stay with him for the rest of the night, if that's what I have to do," Olivia replies softly, resuming her pacing with quick, agitated steps. "It's not like this would be the first time. She's certainly used to it by now and so is Noah."
"I wouldn't want you to do that," Amanda whispers brokenly, and a deep ache blooms in Olivia's chest at the anguish that is apparent in her tone. "Not for me, anyway."
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't I do that for you?" Olivia still feels somewhat confused and not entirely awake yet, unable to fully understand what she is dealing with here as remnants of slumber cling stubbornly to her brain. "If you need someone to be with you right now, whatever the reason is, then that's what I'll do."
"But why would you do that?"
"Why wouldn't I do that?" Olivia repeats in a more forceful voice, an uneasy feeling gripping her heart at this odd conversation and wondering if whatever is going on with Amanda actually is on the same scale as her abduction by Frank Bucci.
"Because I'm not worth it."
Olivia stops dead in her tracks at these blunt words, spoken loud and clear without a hint of hesitation or stutter, a knot of fear forming in her stomach. "Why would you say that, Amanda? Of course you're worth it."
Silence permeates the air again and her trepidation is joined by helplessness as Olivia rakes a trembling hand back through her hair. "Amanda, can you talk to me, please? What's going through your head right now, sweetheart?"
"I don't know," Amanda answers so quietly that Olivia has to press her ear as tightly as she can to the phone in order to hear her properly. "Lots of things."
"Can you tell me about them?" Olivia encourages softly, returning to her dresser and shuffling through the drawers again as she attempts to locate something to wear.
"N-no," Amanda stammers with a hiccup. "It's too much. There are too many things. I don't even know where to start."
"Just tell me one thing," Olivia urges tenderly, eager to keep Amanda talking and not wanting her to shut down. "Just one, that's all. What's the first thing that comes to mind?"
"That I'm not good enough." There is a sob in Amanda's voice now and Olivia tilts her head in surprise at this response, feeling a lump of emotion rising in her throat.
"Not good enough for what, honey?" she presses as she slides out of her pajama bottoms and they pool on the carpet at her feet before she steps out of them.
"For anything. For anyone. I'm always alone." There is a long, defeated sigh on the other end of the line. "I'm so sick of being alone, Liv. I'm so sick of having to deal with everything all by myself. I'm just-"
"Just what?" Olivia prods with a mixture of urgency and gentleness when Amanda cuts herself off, the ache in her heart growing stronger as the younger woman tries to explain what's going on inside her head.
"I'm just so tired of being scared all the time." Amanda is crying now, strangled whimpers coming through the phone, and Olivia blinks away her own tears at the agony that is evident in her voice. "There's never...there's never anyone here when I have nightmares or I have a bad day or I want to talk. Things haven't been good for awhile now...well, definitely since Bucci, but before that too. I know all of you are so busy; you and Fin and Carisi, but I just wish that I was good enough, that I was important enough, for someone to take an interest in me, for someone to care. I just wish someone would actually think to ask how I'm doing, that's all."
"Amanda, you are more than good enough, do you hear me?" Olivia says fiercely, the phone gripped tightly in her perspiring hand as a tear drips down her cheek and she is overcome with an immense wave of guilt. "And you are not alone, I promise you that. I think...I think sometimes I forget to check in with you, to see how you're doing, because you always act so strong and confident, like nothing ever bothers you and you're able to pick yourself right back up and carry on when something traumatic happens. You tend to fly under my radar, even though I don't mean for that to happen."
Amanda is sobbing openly now and Olivia's chin wobbles with the effort of holding in a torrent of her own tears, the sound of the detective's suffering cutting through her like a knife.
"But that was wrong of me," she continues sorrowfully as she struggles into a pair of underwear and jeans with one hand. "I shouldn't have assumed that you were okay just because you were acting like you were. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. And I do care, Amanda. I care a lot, even if I forget to show it sometimes; even when life gets crazy and I have a lot going on with work and with Noah."
"I know-" Amanda is crying so hard, she sounds like she is choking, and Olivia rubs the side of her face roughly against her shoulder in an attempt to rid herself of the river of tears that are flooding her eyes. "I know I act like I'm always fine and I can just get on with things after something awful happens, but the truth is...the truth is that I'm amess. I'm barely eating or sleeping, and I just come home to my empty apartment at the end of the day and lie in my empty bed at night..." There is a hitch in her breathing and distinct shame in Amanda's voice when she forges ahead, "...wishing someone was there to listen to me and to hold me."
"Oh, honey." The tears are running in salty trails down Olivia's face now and she sinks onto the edge of the bed, a T-shirt held limply in her sweaty hand.
"Oh god, I've said way too much, Liv. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to blurt out all of this stuff." Amanda's shame appears to be replaced with panic, her breath coming out in harsh little gasps. "I had a bit too much to drink tonight and I just couldn't hold it all in anymore. But I should have called someone else instead of my captain...maybe Fin or Carisi..."
"No, no, honey, I'm glad you called me," Olivia replies vehemently, desperate to rid Amanda of her panic and shame, and let her know that this late-night conversation is more than okay. "And I'm glad you're finally letting it all out. This is a good thing, Amanda. You needed to get all of this stuff out of your head and talk to someone about it."
"But I'm so embarrassed." Amanda's sobs have dwindled down to frequent sniffles and deep breathing, like she is trying to get her emotions under control.
"You don't need to be. It's okay, really." Olivia hesitates for a moment, unsure if what she is about to say is something that Amanda will want to hear or if she is overstepping her boundaries in a big way. "How about I call Lucy to come stay the rest of the night with Noah? Then I can come over and listen to you for as long as you need to talk." She pauses again, chewing on her lower lip as she debates her next words. "And I can hold you as well, if that's what you need."
Olivia listens to the blonde's sharp intake of breath and is briefly worried that she has gone too far before Amanda speaks again, her tone tentative. "You would really do that for me?"
"Yes, of course I would," Olivia assures her softly, relieved that Amanda seems to be considering this idea and isn't completely dismissing it. "There's nothing I would rather do right now."
"Not even sleep?" For the first time since this conversation has begun, Olivia can detect a trace of humor in Amanda's voice. "It's 3am, Liv."
A smile quirks her lips, Olivia chuckling through her tears at the welcome hint of levity from the younger woman. "I know what time it is and I'll say it again. There's nothing I would rather do right now. Let me be there for you."
"Well...okay." Amanda sounds cautiously optimistic and more calm than she has since Olivia had answered her call. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure," Olivia says firmly, the tendril of hope in Amanda's voice tugging on her heartstrings. "Just give me a few minutes to get ahold of Lucy and put some clothes on and then I'll be on my way, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you so much, Liv. I really appreciate this."
"You're welcome, sweetheart. I'll be there as soon as I can."
When the conversations ends and they both hang up, Olivia rushes to finish dressing, eager to get over to Amanda's place as quickly as possible and provide her with as much comfort and support as she needs. She wants to wrap the detective tightly in her arms and hold her close, making sure Amanda knows that she is more than good enough and will never be alone again.
Olivia shifts from one foot to the other, rubbing a hand over her heavy eyelids and stifling a yawn as she waits for Amanda to answer the door. It's just past four o'clock in the morning and she has to fight the urge to curl up in a ball on the floor and drift off to sleep, her body begging for a few more hours of rest.
Despite her overwhelming exhaustion, she straightens up and tries to look at least somewhat energetic, not wanting Amanda to feel even worse about this situation than she already does. Olivia knows it had taken a lot of courage for the younger woman to call her in the middle of the night and put a voice to the loneliness and fear that she has been hiding and coping with on her own for so long, and the last thing she wants to do is make Amanda regret her decision to share these secrets.
When the blonde detective opens the door to her apartment, Olivia is struck by how tiny she appears, Amanda wrapped in a blue robe that matches her eyes and the garment looking as if it's about to swallow her small frame. Golden tresses are pulled back into a messy bun, loose strands of hair framing a gaunt, pale face and red-rimmed eyes, and Olivia can see that she is trembling slightly, unsure if Amanda is nervous or cold.
She wonders why it has taken this long to notice how much weight Amanda has lost lately, the same guilt that had swamped her during their phone conversation threatening to engulf her once again. Amanda's heartbreaking assumption of not being good enough to warrant anyone's attention or affection is ringing in her ears, a physical pain in Olivia's chest as she watches the other woman lean her head against the door frame like she doesn't have the strength to hold it up.
"Thanks for coming, Liv." Amanda's voice is quiet and scratchy, as if it's painful to speak after all the crying she had done earlier. "I really appreciate you going to so much trouble for me."
"You're welcome. And it's no trouble at all, Amanda," Olivia assures her detective softly as she steps forward and opens her arms, ready and willing to provide her with as many hugs as she needs.
Her eyebrows rise high in surprise when Amanda merely gives her a tense smile before backing away and holding the door open wider, gesturing for Olivia to come inside. Confusion and hurt stab right through her lingering guilt as Olivia enters the dim space, trying to push aside the sense of rejection she feels and assuring herself that it's perfectly natural for Amanda to be more reluctant to accept her comfort when it's being done in person instead of over the phone.
The dark, early hour and the hushed, otherwise empty apartment, are making this situation much more intimate and a lot less private now that they are face to face with each other and not multiple blocks away. Keeping in mind that it's likely easier for Amanda to be vulnerable when they're not in the same room, especially since the younger woman has always had such difficulty opening up about her personal life, Olivia decides to back off entirely and let Amanda take the lead.
"Do you want some tea?" the detective asks, wringing her hands together and biting her lower lip, looking so timid and unsure; a shell of her usual self.
"Tea sounds great," Olivia replies warmly as she gets settled on the couch and watches Amanda shuffle into the kitchen, already finding it hard to keep her distance from the uncharacteristic fragility that is on display.
She longs to be the person that Amanda had expressed the desire for during their previous discussion, wanting to make up for lost time by wrapping the frail woman in her arms and letting her pour her heart out while she listens intently to everything that Amanda needs to say. But Olivia remains seated on the couch, flicking a glance toward the muted television that is playing an old romantic comedy, and taking note of the collection of scarcely touched takeout containers and empty beer bottles that are littering the coffee table.
"Have you been awake all night, sweetheart?" she questions tenderly, observing the slow, fatigued way that Amanda moves around the kitchen as she gathers items from the cupboards and fridge.
The detective's head lowers in response to this inquiry, her shoulders lifting slightly in a shrug and her voice is barely audible when she answers. "I just didn't feel like dealing with the bad dreams tonight. So I decided to stay up and watch some movies."
"And drink?" Olivia adds in what she hopes is a non-judgmental tone as she inclines her head toward the small grouping of bottles in front of her.
"It wasn't that much," Amanda replies defensively, her head shooting up and her eyes suddenly blazing with an anger that takes Olivia by surprise again. "You don't need to make a big deal out of it."
"But you already told me on the phone that you'd had a bit too much to drink tonight," Olivia reminds her as gently as possible, holding her hands up in the air in a placating gesture. "Is this a regular thing, honey?"
"Look, Liv, if you're only here to pass judgment on how I'm choosing to cope with things-"
"I'm not," Olivia interrupts quickly, wary of this conversation escalating out of control only moments after her arrival. "I just want to help you, Amanda. That's all, okay? And I understand wanting to take the edge off when you're dealing with nightmares and everything is taking its toll and just seems like too much. I get it."
Amanda seems pacified by this response, a hint of curiosity in her expression as she gives a curt nod and continues with the preparations for tea. There are no words spoken between them for the next several minutes as Amanda returns to the living room with a tray containing a teapot, mugs, milk, and sugar, and they busy themselves fixing their drinks after clearing enough space on the coffee table to accommodate the extra clutter.
When the volume is turned up on the television and the drama on the screen seems to have captured Amanda's attention, Olivia studies the younger woman out of the corner of her eye and wonders if she had simply wanted company for the remainder of the night. Although still subdued, Amanda seems more content now as she sips her tea and a smile quirks her lips when one of the characters in the film does something ridiculous and a wild chase scene ensues.
Olivia becomes aware of the subtle shifting of Amanda's body as the time passes and a faint light begins to brighten the sky outside the windows, the other woman eventually sitting right beside her instead of staying huddled at the opposite end of the couch. When she feels a head come to rest tentatively on her shoulder, Olivia has to suppress a smile of her own and the urge to gather Amanda into her embrace and hold onto her tightly.
"I'm so glad you're here," Amanda whispers after awhile, her voice low like she is sharing another secret.
"I'm glad too," Olivia whispers back as she lets her head lean gently against Amanda's, relieved when she doesn't pull away.
"Really? You don't think I'm a terrible person for making you leave your son in the middle of the night to drive across the city just to drink tea and watch a movie with me?" There is a trace of guilt evident in Amanda's tone now, and Olivia reaches over to give her forearm a brief squeeze.
"No, I don't," she answers honestly, realizing that she isn't tired anymore and the early morning snuggle session is actually quite soothing to her as well. "Noah is safe and sound with Lucy and I'm having a nice time here with you."
"You can leave if you want to," Amanda says softly, a slight hitch in her breathing, and this time Olivia doesn't fight the urge to take the quivering figure into her arms.
"I just told you that I'm having a nice time, so why would I leave?" She asks the question into Amanda's hair, turning her head to press a featherlight kiss into the disheveled golden strands before resting her cheek there again.
"Because everyone else always does."
Olivia's heart aches at this response, tightening her hold on the tiny frame next to her and feeling Amanda melt into her body, a damp face hiding against her neck. "Well, I'm not everyone else," she responds firmly, bringing a hand up to stroke through Amanda's hair and tenderly working her fingers through the tangles that are coming loose from the bun. "Are you crying, sweetheart?"
A soft sob sounds in reply and Olivia angles her head down to try and get a look at Amanda's face, but the other woman refuses to budge as the skin of Olivia's neck becomes wet with tears.
"It's okay, honey. I'm here, I've got you." She rocks the shaking form back and forth and notices that Amanda is practically in her lap now, the detective so hungry for comfort and finally giving in to it.
Olivia adjusts their positions so that Amanda is fully in her lap and continues rocking her back and forth, holding in tears of her own as she listens to the quiet, tortured weeping. Now that Olivia is cradling her so closely, she acknowledges that Amanda feels as tiny as she looks, taken aback by how much weight she has lost and cursing herself for not noticing this obvious detail sooner.
"Talk to me, sweetheart," Olivia implores as she blinks rapidly, figuring it's not going to do either one of them any good if she breaks down as well. "You started opening up to me on the phone, so why don't you tell me more about what's been going on?"
"It hurts," Amanda moans in anguish and Olivia tries to pull away to get a better look at her, but the movement only makes the detective cling more tightly to her.
"What does?" She is momentarily thrown for a loop, thinking Amanda has somehow gotten injured or become ill while they have been sitting there, her heart shattering to pieces when she hears the answer.
"Not having anyone."
"Oh, Amanda." Olivia struggles to keep her emotions under control as the younger woman's sobbing intensifies. "You do have someone, honey. You have me, and you have Fin and Carisi and Kat. I promise to be here for you whenever you need me, okay? I know I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately, but that changes right now. I'm not going anywhere, alright?"
"But eventually you will," Amanda murmurs into her neck and Olivia leans down, pressing her flushed cheek against the detective's clammy one.
"What do you mean?"
"You have to leave at some point, Liv. You can't stay here forever. You have a job and a child and a life." Amanda sounds like she is beginning to hyperventilate as panic consumes her and Olivia strokes a soothing hand over her hair, hoping it will help calm her down. "You're a busy person and I don't expect you to drop everything and come running every single time I have a problem; whether it's a nightmare about Bucci or a flashback about Patton; whether I have a bad day at work or I'm just plain lonely. And then it's going to be the same way that it's been for a long time now; just me, alone with my demons. It's just the way it is, Liv."
"Well, what if it doesn't have to be?" Olivia remarks cautiously after a lengthy pause, an idea starting to take shape in her mind.
"What do you mean?" Amanda repeats the same question that Olivia had just asked her, and she runs a palm over the soft blonde locks once again.
"What if you pack up some stuff and come back to my place with me? You can stay there with Noah and I for a little while."
"You want me to move in with you?" Olivia can hear the doubt and amazement in Amanda's voice but she forges ahead anyway, anxious to explain.
"Just for a little while," she reiterates softly, feeling encouraged when Amanda doesn't immediately recoil from her and reject the idea outright. "We can see how it goes."
"I don't know..." Amanda trails off, a mixture of hope and defeat in her tone now, each emotion sounding like it is wrestling for dominance. "You shouldn't have to do that for me, Liv. That's kind of extreme, isn't it? You shouldn't have to turn your whole life upside down just because mine is falling apart. I can't ask you to do that."
"You didn't ask," Olivia points out gently. "I offered. And it's just for a short period of time, until things get a bit better for you. It doesn't have to be permanent."
"But isn't it against the rules for a captain and her detective to be shacking up together?"
Olivia shakes her head and chuckles at Amanda's choice of words. "Some rules are meant to be broken."
This statement finally causes Amanda to lean back enough so Olivia can see her blotchy, tear-stained face, the younger woman's eyes wide and her voice aghast when she speaks. "Liv. I think spending time with me off the clock has already corrupted you. That sounds like something I would say, not you."
A smile tugs at the corner of Olivia's mouth as she lifts a hand to delicately wipe away the tears that are still falling from Amanda's eyes. "You're not the only who gets lonely, you know. Noah and I would love the company." She hesitates for a moment before continuing, not wanting her proposal to come off as anything forceful or inappropriate. "And I think you and I could help each other out; be a support system for one another. Because we both know what it's like to live with demons, don't we? The nightmares and the flashbacks and the drinking that can get out of control. I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't."
"Yeah, I guess we do," Amanda replies softly, those big blue eyes staring intently at her as a stray tear balances on her lower lashes. "But I just don't want you to feel like I'm guilt tripping you into this-"
"You're not," Olivia cuts her off firmly, giving Amanda's arm a comforting squeeze. "I admit that I'm very upset with myself for not paying enough attention to you over the past while, but my invitation is based purely on you being supported while you're going through a hard time. It kills me to think of you being alone and miserable and scared here when you don't have to be. I want you to feel safe and secure and happy, sweetheart. But only if you're comfortable with it. There's absolutely no pressure."
"But you don't have enough space," Amanda argues without much vehemence, and Olivia can see the hope radiating prominently from her features now.
"I have plenty of space," she replies gently, her gaze flicking down to the hand that is not currently stroking Amanda's hair, when she feels slender fingers entwining with her own. "And I don't mind sleeping on the couch for a bit."
"I can't kick you out of your own bedroom, Liv." Amanda's other hand is resting against her cheek now, her palm warm and her expression earnest. "If I agree to stay with you, I'll take the couch."
"Okay," Olivia concedes quietly, her heart melting at the tender affection Amanda is bestowing upon her. "Why don't you take some time to think about it before giving me an answer, though? There's absolutely no rush in making a decision and it's perfectly fine to say no. And I won't mention this idea again, if you don't want me to."
She gasps in surprise when Amanda doesn't verbally respond but instead pulls her into a fierce bear hug, the younger woman gripping her so tightly around the ribs that the air is momentarily knocked from her lungs. She tries to blink away another round of tears as she clutches Amanda just as strongly in return and the two of them simply hold onto each other for several moments without saying a word, Olivia's nose buried in the unruly blonde hair that has broken free from the bun and is now tumbling around Amanda's shoulders.
"Thank you," a choked, grateful voice murmurs in her ear, a tear escaping from Olivia's eye and slipping down her cheek as her heart swells with joy and she grins at Amanda's quick response. "I've already thought about it and my answer is yes."
