I do not own these characters or profit from them. However I have published two of my own books in a series entitled "Super Naked" which takes place in a world where roughly 1/3 of superheroes have powers that logically mean they are physically incapable of wearing clothing, no matter how much they might wish to.
Deadpool and Wolverine: Lost Scenes
By, Clayton Overstreet
Deadpool: Hi folks. Now if you've seen my new movie with Wolverine you may have noticed us poking fun as a few things. Once or twice… anyway the thing is we were so busy making fun of Disney that we may have missed a few obvious things in our own movie. So here are a few moments that really should have been in Deadpool Three... (Opens his suit and shows off a Deadpool T-shirt) I mean it's not quite as bad as Venom Two, but hey, what could be?
Wolverine: Hey Bub, your shirt is for Deadpool One…. and doesn't mention me at all.
Deadpool: Now how did that happen? (Winks at the reader)
Wolverine: No problem, I can fix it. (Punched Deadpool in the back so his claws skewer him and drops blood in three lines.
Deadpool: *%$&$* Logan, that was a collector's item!
Wolverine: I didn't have someone's dirty bean flicking fingers in my brain to be cut out.
Deadpool: Fine, whatever. Roll the clips!
Wolverine: Oh and there may be some spoilers.
Dinner With Friends
Deadpool and the others gathered at the end of the movie over the dinner table.
"So Blade, I was wondering, what do you look like $&%? Shouldn't you be immortal?"
"Well you see," he rumbled. "I've been stuck in the Void for going on fifteen years now and I haven't had my serum. So I only get blood when the craving gets too much and I had to go on a killing spree. Speaking of which…" Looks around the table and his stomach rumbles.
Al scooted away. "Don't be looking at me. I'm drier than Mystique if she turned into Wade naked and looked at herself in a mirror."
Deadpool, "Dang it, can't I get through one meal without a muscular black man sucking on my neck?"
"Oh %$#%$ no! I've tried eating Deadpools before. They're like potato chips. Their blood is like battery acid."
Deadpool shrugged and slapped Wolverine's butt. "Well then I guess you're up, tight tush."
Wolverine sighed. "&%$! I hope you like the taste of cheap scotch…"
Whiner
"Wait you're saying that in this universe the X-men were torn apart by Jean slowly molecule by molecule while I watched and I went back in time and fixed it and got laced with rebar before somehow getting back here where Charles went senile, did the exact same thing and then nearly every mutant on the planet was depowered by some sort of engineered biological weapon that eventually killed me? Oh and the handful of mutants are still hunted with a shoot to kill in sight order?"
X-23 nodded and said, "That's about the size of it. So you can see why we think you whining about your X-men getting shot once makes you sound like a bit of a whiner about your friends getting shot."
Deadpool said, "Hey lay off. So he crawled into a bottle. You were supposed to be some bad 55 assassin who killed dozens of innocent people before you were twelve. Instead you killed fewer people than Cletus Cassidy in Venom Two and then were crying over Logan here getting a three foot woody. I mean come on, there's a reason you got tossed into the Void, Xerox."
X shrugged. "By the way was it just me or were his claws longer, but thinner? Does that mean…"
Wolverine put a hand over her mouth. "I am really uncomfortable witt the way this conversation is going."
Timeline
Deadpool looked at the time agents. "Wait, you guys can see the future and have some sort of video of me with Thor, but you had no idea that trying to bring me in to work with you would somehow backfire and get you all killed? That building a machine designed to rip apart universes was a bad idea? I didn't even need a time machine to see that coming. You are literally the worst time travel team of all time. No wonder they have you &$%&%ers on universe flushing duty, stuck down here in the basement waiting to wipe. I literally saved my universe in about two hours. And where were you %$holes when Wolverine was puttering around the nineteen-seventies giving Patrick Stewart Alzheimers? Seriously Bill and Ted were better at manipulating the time stream…"
Wolverine nodded. "Yeah, when the red turd here was being nice even I sort of suspected he wanted to slam something into my face. How did you not see him turning on you when you were chatting about wiping out his friends and universe?"
Holding frozen peas to his broken nose the British guy said, "Will you two please just go?"
"Okay dokie, Loki, Deadpool said. "Speaking of which is he around here? I always wondered if I'd be the first to use his helmet horns as handles…"
Twilight Moment
As Wolverine's shirt is ripped off a sign flash across the screen: Stephanie Meyer Eat Your Heart Out.
Happy Ending
(Credits Roll)
The song from the sex scene in the original Deadpool movie plays. A bed is heard rocking and the springs bouncing. The camera pans in to see the figures on the bed. Only instead of Wade and his girlfriend it's Wolverine mounting Lady Deadpool, her ponytail gripped in one hand.
Meanwhile all the other Deadpools are lined up outside the room, down the hall, and out onto the street buying tickets from blind Al as they wait their turn.
Out on the couch Colossus sits with Dogpool and a jar of peanut butter looking between the two speculatively… then with dawning horror.
"Wade… what haff you done?"
Risen
Xavier's evil twin sister starts clawing her way out of the rubble, wounds healing. "I'm going to…" Suddenly something falls on her with a clang, killing her. It it the helmet from the CGI Juggernaut from Wade's reality, the one that was basically the size of a car hood.
Up in the rafters with sparking wires Deadpool said, "Hey if anybody knows about making sure you finish off a regenerating psycho it's me." He looked at the author. "And you, you just saw the movie. You couldn't be bothered to remember the villain's name or even look it up?"
Hey, watch it, turkey face. You had like, seventy time machines and spent your time montaging Wolverines. You could have fixed all this in thirty seconds.
"Fair point."
Fight Song
As Wolverine and Deadpool fight each other in the van, ruining Manbunpool's insurance premiums, they hit the radio one last time and another song plays.
"…a million deaths is all it's gonna take…"
Missed Opportunity
Gwenpool stood, arms crossed and pouted in her costume. "Seriously, you couldn't have thrown me in this movie? Just mix me in with the hundreds of Deadpools? For crying out loud, in this outfit I wouldn't even need to be played by any real actresses! Just a cameo! All you had to do was slap anyone in a pink and white version of the Deadpool suit! Gah!"
Author's Note
Yeah, the Marvel and Disney universes need to stop doing crossovers, sequels, prequels, and remakes. This time it was okay, not great but better than they've managed in a while, but even Deadpool gave a speech on how they have been dropping the ball. Disney could make a thousand fairytales into movies without just rehashing stuff they did and making them live-action or making sequels. If they want to continue the story, make a cartoon series! And we do not need to keep finding new ways to use Star Wars and everything else. Especially if you can't stick to the way it is supposed to be the first time. Making fun of Wolverine's costume is fine if you want to ignore the black S look they went with in the other movies.
Anyway I was watching the movie and these are just some of the missed jokes and flaws I noticed that would have been good in the movie. Deadpool/Wolverine was better than many Marvel movies lately, but it's a pretty low bar. I honestly wish they would go back to everybody having their own unaffiliated stories in the movies instead of trying to shove too much in together. This is what all but killed parody movies, trying to do much instead of focusing on a single coherent storyline. Vampires Suck was good, while Epic Movie sucked, you know? Venom as great in the first one (though we could have done without the 40 minutes of relationship trouble before he snuck into the secret lab full of aliens) and then they tried to tie it in with a bunch of other stuff including the Spider-verse.
Le sigh…
