As we arrive at the dock at Coffman and unload the cargo I think back to my day. Almost dying is never pleasant, especially so while being underwater and suffocating. Coming close to dying… I'm not sure what I feel about it, but I am tired, and the last thing I want is to go to Andrew's and listen to Chand's relationship drama or them being overly sweet. I feel bad for thinking like this but I've been battling jealousy for years now and with me being tired, that is a losing battle.

Chand and I silently head to the house, not feeling like talking after the exhausting day. I am tempted to ask about Krissa and him, but neither do I really want to know nor can I muster up the strength. I was underwater only for a short time, but the cold and the physical work has tired me enough that the last thing I want is talking about emotions.

We get invited in and drop down the things. Mit-eum and Andrew welcomes us warmly, but things between Krissa and Chand are visibly tense. The dinner is delicious and only slightly tense - Krissa and Chand try not to talk to each other, but they aren't openly hostile either. Still, fortunately it is a short affair; despite my efforts a yawn escapes me and this gives us the perfect opportunity to go sleep.

However sleep doesn't grace me with her presence, no matter how tired I may be, today's events replaying in my head again and again. When I hear two voices quietly talking from outside, one I recognise as Chand's and the other distinctively female, I don't hesitate much. I've already given up on regulating myself today.

The break-up is a quite affair, and it leaves me wondering, relieved but also sad. I can hear that Chand is hurt and this also makes my heart ache. I am relieved because this means Chand is a lot less likely to decide to leave me alone on the water one day. Selfishly, I wish he'd never find another girlfriend and I'd get to keep him for myself forever.

But more than that I am wondering about what this means for me, for us. Because if I ever have a chance, that's now. I could go to him, comfort him, make him forget and make him choose me. There's nothing stopping me from doing exactly this, and I am fairly sure Chand wouldn't reject me, that just for this night I could be his and he could be mine.

But I am also fairly sure he wouldn't want that and I also don't want it so I remain there, watching her leaving, him standing like a statue, the hurt I see practically emanating from just the way he stands. Or maybe not. Maybe it isn't that obvious and I'm just too attuned to him to not be obvious for me. But maybe it's not even that and it's just the knowledge that he's hurt because of the conversation that makes me feel this way.

It doesn't matter at all, because he is hurt and I know he is hurt, but I won't go there, no matter how much I may want to. This is a chilling thought. I am not going there. I will never go there, consoling him when he needs it.

After a while he leaves, but I remain there for a long time after that. Now my previous thoughts are joined by the memory of the break-up, leaving me unable to sleep for the better part of the night. My parents' letter is still in my hand, my mind's still in high-gear. I should be sleeping, tomorrow's going to be torturous already and with every passing minute this is just getting worse.

With a deep sigh I force myself to think about something else. When nothing interesting comes to mind, I simply settle for counting goats. It's become a running joke back at Homeport after the shenanigans with the goats, I might as well try it out - at least that's a much lighter topic to think about.

And if I think about doing things that I want before it's too late, if I think about doing something I haven't had the courage to do for years now. Then none the wiser.

"Am I an idiot?" the sudden question shakes me out of my stupor, which might be a good thing. I forgot myself and instead of concentrating on my surroundings, I started to admire Chand. I was worried about him being much more distracted than usual, but this also worked out in my favour this time.

"Huh?" My eloquent answer isn't met with the usual light teasing which makes me even more worried about him. He seemed fine on the ship, but I was probably too willing to overlook things for my own comfort, instead of thinking about how he actually was. A mistake on my part.

"I just… I keep coming back to this. It's gotta be me, right?" I am almost sure this is about his unfortunate encounters in the art of love. And in all honesty I understand why he'd feel this way. Despite his laid-back personality, his nonchalant and easy disposition, he's a romantic all the way down. I really like this, but it also makes him sensitive in these matters, unlike me.

"About Krissa?" I ask, just to be sure. I wouldn't want to make him think about his lack of luck, if he's not already thinking about it.

"Not just her. I'm not going to get too upset about this, but finding someone isn't supposed to be the work of a life, is it?" His expression says it all. He sometimes has a tendency to think about himself as something flawed, something that I only noticed after I came back from Juneau. And now he is exactly like this. And this is something I can't bear. So even if I am far from a relationship expert, I will try my best.

"No, it isn't. But Chand, I don't think you're looking for just 'someone'." I try my best to sound confident. I am almost sure it works. "You're looking for someone to spend your life with. Someone who can take care of you and in turn you can take care of them. Someone who is understanding and accepting. I am not sure why you choose to date those people you do, but I am sure that a person good enough for you is rare. Because you are good and you need someone who understands this and can support you in this. Someone who's strong but also vulnerable. Someone you can rely on and who will stand by you, come what may. And people like this are rare."

"..." He seems a bit taken aback by my passionate short speech, but I meant every word. I know he has many flaws, but he is one of the greatest, kindest person I've ever met. He has helped me many times and he's been a great friend. He's proved that he has my back and he knows me very well, at this point probably he knows me best. After all, we've been friends when we were children and we were friends for most of our adult lives.

"Thank you." He settles for this eventually and after that, we continue on the faint trail. The silence is comfortable, as it has been for many times now but some tension builds up as he constantly glances at me. It makes me slightly anxious. I start to rethink what I've said, but I can't pinpoint the thing that may have made him nervous.

" I think you're right". He says after a while. He seems to have come to a conclusion because he seems far more confident now. I smile. That's good. If he believes what I said, maybe he'll stop feeling so dejected about this whole romance thing. In my professional opinion, it isn't worth it anyway.

"I am always right, what did you expect?" I try to joke when I can't say anything to him. I don't know what I should be saying and some lighthearted joke has rarely hurt anyone, so this seems like the safest option.

"Nothing else. You're always good to talk to. You give good advice and even better pep talks." He say this while smiling, but his tone betrays that he means what he says. The compliment makes me feel warmer, and I smile at him warmly. I believe this will be the end of this conversation and maybe he'll feel better consistently.

"By the way, I'll tell you how I choose people to date, but you'll have to promise not to laugh." He says, and I cast a glance at him. I am not sure I should be getting this information. My phase when I would've done insane things to get his attention is over, thank god, but I am afraid I will try to change myself again. Despite my worries, my mouth forms the words to agree before I can choose otherwise. It may be my feelings but it may be just curiosity. I don't have any idea how he dates so many people.

"I am looking for someone with a beautiful soul." He says without hesitation and that's such a Chand thing to say. I can't help but smile at him, while saying "That sounds pretty hard to do. I admire that you keep doing this." However, when I finish, I get the idea that now maybe I will be able to pry without seeming too suspicious. "Do I have a beautiful soul?" I try to go for the same effect as he used. Slightly teasing, but still serious enough for a serious answer.

"Of course" he answers without hesitation. "You have one of the most beautiful soul I've ever seen. I am lucky to get to spend as much time with you as I do." He smiles at me and hope that I've almost forgotten how to feel starts to burn furiously in my chest. I only have to make that last step! But after a short pause he continues. "Sorry, not tryna make things awkward." And just like that, the hope is gone.

"Don't worry, I get it." I get out the words and smile at him, but I am sure I couldn't quite pull the straight face because suddenly his brows are furrowed and he looks at me with a pondering glance. I force my face to look as natural as I can manage and I don't look away. I try to appear as inconspicuous as I can. Yet as the seconds pass by I feel my face morphing into another expression, but from the turmoil of feelings I feel I can't decide what face I probably make.

"Lori? Do you… Would you like for us to be more than friends?" He asks, and I have a feeling he's quite sure that I do, but shocked. I am too. I never expected things to go this way. Yet, when I look at him I don't want to lie to him. I am not even sure what it could achieve. He caught on and he may be a bit distracted at times, but after that I don't think I'll be able to hide this from him, if he's going to watch for it.

I've already been caught staring at him, he just didn't make the connection between this and me having a crush on him. With this knowledge, I take a deep breath to steel myself and nod at it. And because I'd appreciate if someone did this, I also manage a verbal answer.

"Yeah, I do- have been for a while now, actually." I say, and I can see that despite he expected this, it's still surprising him. I hold my breath. I have no idea what's going to happen. I've never thought thi is gonna happen and even if I have it was always carefully planned, never as spontaneous as this. He looks lost in thoughts, but I, as opposed to usual, have no idea what's going through his head.

He slowly looks me in the eye. The glasses block my vision, making it harder to read off of his face, yet the determination is as clear as day. Slowly, he opens his mouth, and I'm suddenly painfully aware of my heart pounding like I've been swimming in raging storm for my life for the past hour. I don't even know why I'm this excited. I've known for ages that he doesn't like me like that. Still, it seems a glimmer of hope has been in me all along and now that it's going to completely disappear, I am still hoping.

"Y'know I'm not sure about this. But I am interested. And I need some time for myself, to sort this break-up out, to get things straight again, to steady myself. But I am willing to try and if you're willing to wait a little, I'd be very happy." He says with a smile, and suddenly I am not sure what I should do, because this is very faw from what I've been expecting.

But I know one thing. This is not a refusal. Far from it. It'd be more accurate to call it reciprocation than anything else. I am stunned, stupefied, dazed, in a haze and probably a thousand more term could be said. I am also happy. Overjoyed, amazed and euphoric. I feel so many things and I am not sure I could name all of them even if I had a week to do so. I raise both my arms, inviting him silently for a hug. We both have each other in a tight grip, and I can finally feel my long held-back tears break free. Two streaks of wetness is on my cheeks, warmth around my body and I could not give a damn thing about anything else right now.