This isn't a cannon story but will feature some events from cannon. I couldn't get it out of my head since I watched season 23 with Burton coming back into Liv's life and the absence of Barba. TW: references of physical abuse.
Rafael was set to meet Rita Calhoun at the Champagne Bar inside the Plaza Hotel at 8 pm to hear about a job offer working with her at her firm. He already knew what his answer was going to be as soon as she even suggested to have this dinner but didn't have the heart to outright deny her. He had to let her think that she could at least try to convince him otherwise she would never drop the subject.
Rita was one of his oldest friends going back to his Harvard days. They met his freshman year. The very first day he stepped onto campus he was the odd man out. He didn't come from money like everyone else. He didn't have the luxury of buying his way into Harvard with a legacy admission. No he had to work hard for it and work hard he did.
He grew up a poor kid from the Bronx or el barrio like his Abuelita used to say. A skinny scrawny kid with nothing to show for it but his big mouth. That's the one thing that always kept him in trouble in el barrio whether it would be from his own father to the neighborhood bullies. His father was abusive towards him and his mother. A belligerent drunk was the nicest thing he could truly say about the dead man.
Rafael had learned from a young age to stay away from his Papa whenever he was drinking. He wasn't good enough for the old man and it pissed him off to no end, una niña according to him. Why? Because he wasn't big or strong like his best friends Alex and Eddie, he wasn't good at sports, and couldn't care less about cars or anything with wheels. Rafael was not just lanky and weedy but he loved to read and learn. The complete opposite of what "un hombre" was supposed to be like.
The only thing that he was good at that possibly saved his life a few times was not just having a smart mouth but being even faster on his feet. His Papa could never catch him once he took off. Sadly, it only took him three times to come home after his Papa's drunken tirades when they moved to el barrio to realize that since he couldn't be caught, the only other person left for his Papa to take his anger out on was his Mama.
It was the next morning when he came home to glass, picture frames, furniture essentially anything that wasn't tied down destroyed all over the tiny two bedroom apartment. The destruction lay all over the floor from the entryway leading to his parents' bedroom. It looked like someone had come in and tried to rob them but when they didn't find anything of value they trashed the place instead.
Rafael was dumbfounded and scared seeing the carnage before him. His instincts took over in that second as he tensed up, holding his breath trying not to make a sound for fear that his Papa would hear him. As he stood there silent and not breathing for what seemed like an eternity he allowed his panic to dissipate and focus on actually hearing if there was any noise rather than his pounding heartbeat in his ears.
He couldn't hear a sound inside the apartment which was a good sign that his Papa was either passed out or wasn't home. Rafael fervently hoped it was the latter.
Rafael slinked through the tornado that was left trying not to step on glass or move anything that could make a sound. He had to find his Mama but he still couldn't hear a sound as he slowly prodded his way to their bedroom.
His Mama wasn't home, she couldn't be. She was safe and ok because if she was home then she would be cleaning up the mess his Papa made or hugging him close to her sending thank yous to Dios for keeping him safe. Right? So since she wasn't out here greeting him then she couldn't be home...right??
Rafael's thoughts were racing a million miles a minute. Shallow breathes and the slight creaking of the floor made him pause and listen for any sounds mid step. But the apartment was eerily quiet. He needed his Mama to be ok because without her he would have nobody.
Sure he had his Abuelita and Abuelito, his Mama's parents, and his friends Alex and Eddie. But he didn't even know where or how to get in contact with his Abuelos. His Papa made them move four years prior and didn't allow them to have any contact with anyone from their previous life. They moved every year since forcing Rafael, who already didn't fit in, to be the new kid at every school. He was too young at the time to have remembered their address or anything that they lived close to.
Alex and Eddie were his best friends even though they'd only been living at this apartment for a few months. Either way there was no way he would ever be able to live with either of them. His best friends didn't know what was going on in his house. At least he never mentioned it, but maybe a part of them knew. They protected him from the bullies in el barrio, always bringing him extra snacks whenever they would hang out, always ignoring the obvious bruises on his arms, legs, and face.
On the nights he ran away from his Papa's rage, he would go to Alex or Eddie's apartment. Throwing small rocks at their windows to get their attention or knocking on their windows from the fire escape. If one didn't answer he knew he could always stay with the other.
Rafael, Alex, and Eddie were always quiet letting Rafel in not wanting to let their parents know. No one acknowledged the reason why he was there. Alex and Eddie would just give him a pillow and blanket to sleep on the floor. They even offered to walk him home in the morning but Rafael declined their offers. Always slipping out at the crack of dawn to head back home before his friends could protest. Yeah... they knew.
But back then it was common for the men of the house to get out of control when they'd been drinking. It was normal for the man to smack his wife or even children every once in a while. The abuse was something that was never talked about and swept under the rug. Everyone experienced it but it was taboo to even mention it. No matter how much they were beaten they should be grateful for having a roof over their heads and someone to provide for them. Nobody else would do it so they should just grin and bear it and be thankful because nobody was going to help you.
Rafael finally arrived at his parents' bedroom door. He took a slightly deeper breath making sure to exhale through his nose to minimize any sound. He looked at the door which was shut with a fist size hole above his head.
He was terrified of what he would encounter on the other side of the door. With his shaking hand he slowly opened the door praying that it wouldn't squeak and he wouldn't have to come face to face with his Papa.
But nothing could prepare him for what he saw with his own two eyes. The bedroom was just the same as the rest of the apartment. The dresser had all of its draws and contents strewn all over the room, some of the handles ripped off of them. The mattress was against the window sticking out of the hole it must've made when it was thrown against it. Feathers from the pillows all over the room some of them twirling in the air from the slight breeze blowing through the broken window.
He couldn't see his parents. A good thing, but could also be a very bad thing as well.
"Mama?" Rafael asked with fear making his voice crack. That's when he heard a muffled groan and what looked like an arm reaching out from behind the mattress.
His green eyes were as wide as saucers as he screamed, "Mama!" Running to her to try to pull her from behind the mattress.
"Mama que te paso? Lo siento, lo siento mucho Mama.- Mom what happened to you. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry Mom-" Rafael sobbed. He couldn't budge her from behind the mattress as he pulled on her now limp form. Mind racing he tried to move the mattress off of her.
Rafael squeezed himself between the mattress and the wall where his Mama was and used all his force to push the mattress off. It moved but not enough. Sweat forming on his brow he braced himself against the wall, "Mama te voy a salvar, te lo prometo - Mom I'm going to save you, I promise," he used his hands and feet to finally push the offending furniture out of the way with a grunt.
He dropped down to his knees, tears streaming down his face as he gently took her outstretched hand in his.
"Mama... es mi culpa lo siento. Debo estar en tu posición no a ti. Mama despierte por favor. No me dejes solo - Mom... it's all my fault I'm sorry. I should be in your position not you. Mom please wake up. Don't leave me all alone" he choked out the last sentence.
"Rafi..." his Mama all but whispered it.
His eyes shooting towards her barely recognizable face with all of the blood and bruising. "Mama estoy aquí, lo siento Mama. Nunca te dejare - Mom I'm here, I'm sorry Mom. I'll never leave you again."
His Mama's face started screwing up in what looked like pain, "Ayuda Rafi - Rafi help". No sound came out of her mouth but Rafael could read her lips.
"No Mama tendré estar contigo - No Mom I should stay with you" the loose grip she had on his hand slackened as she lost consciousness. "Mama no!" he screamed.
But there was no response. Rafael didn't know if he just saw his mother take her last breath or she passed out from the pain. He tried waking her up by tightening his grip on her on with his left hand and slightly shaking her with his right. That's when he saw it.
An old picture fluttered to the ground. You could tell it had been previously crumbled up and torn apart and now was taped haphazardly back together. It was one of his Abuelito, Abuelita, and his Mama holding him on her lap as a baby.
He smoothed the edges out giving the picture a longer look. His Mama was so happy. He couldn't remember when the last time was that she smiled so brightly. A feeling of resolve spread across him and he knew he had to get help.
The days after that fateful day were a blur. Rafael had to go to the neighbor's apartment as the phone in his house had been ripped out of the wall. The phone jack hanging out of the wall limply. The paramedics came followed by police. He could vaguely remember the horrified looks on the adult's faces they tried to conceal as they entered the apartment.
He had to talk to a lot of different people retelling what happened when he left the apartment and when he got home. He even told them how abusive his father was for years. Not allowing them to see anyone from before if he saw that they had gotten attached to anyone. He told them his whole story over and over again.
His Mama survived gracias a Dios but she was unconscious for an entire week. Having suffered from multiple cracked ribs, a broken nose, a broken eye socket, a concussion, and a fractured arm, she needed the rest to heal up.
During that time Rafael told the detectives about his Abuelita and Abuelito. But he couldn't tell them about Alex or Eddie. He couldn't let his friends know everything that had been going on. There was a difference between them "knowing" and actually having to say it out loud. He was ashamed and didn't want to burden them.
He wasn't allowed to stay the night with his Mama and so the first night he had slept in the office of child protective services. The following morning as he sat by his Mama's side with an officer in the room his Abuelita came rushing in.
She was disheveled tears rolling down her cheeks as she scooped Rafael up in the warmest hug. "Rafi mi vida, mi niño, estoy aquí. Perdóname que no te podría encontrar. Te quiero mi niño, te quiero - Rafi my life, mi little boy, I'm here now. I'm sorry I couldn't find you. I love you my little boy, I love you."
Rafael couldn't hold back his sorrow as he held onto his Abuelita tight and wailed. He cried for his mother, for himself, for the nightmare that they had lived through, for el niño from el barrio that had to grow up so fast to survive. But he was safe in her arms. As long as his Abuelita was there they were safe.
The days passed and his memory was hazy while his Mama recovered. He could only remember a few things from those days. He wouldn't let go of his Abuelita's hand and if he had to she was never out of his sight. He learned during that time that his Abuelito had passed away from a heart attack not too long after his father moved them away.
And by the time his Mama had regained her consciousness he found out that his Papa had died in a car accident that he caused. His one man show until the end. His Papa had wrapped his car around a tree in the early morning hours. Nobody found him until midday the next day as the road was one people rarely travelled. Apparently he died a slow agonizing death as he bled out into his lungs and suffocated on his own blood. Something Rafael didn't truly appreciate the just timing of his death until he was a few years older.
Rafael was brought back out of his musings from the past as his Uber stopped abruptly. He realized that his memories from the past kept creeping up on him during the most mundane of tasks keeping him distracted. But that memory in particular he hadn't thought about probably since Harvard close to 20 years ago... and the night he confided in her.
Not even Rita was aware of all the details of his past. He gave Rita a recap for the majority of the retelling, leaving out the emotions behind the story. He couldn't forget the look of pity that crossed Rita's face. But she quickly changed her expression into determination. Determination to befriend him he mused with a smirk.
But the eyes he could remember so clearly were her beautiful chocolate soulful eyes. He was nervous to tell her his story.
It was another late night over at her place. They had decided a few weeks before that that it was easier to finish up work and prepping her if need be at her place. That way she could be home with Noah more and Lucy her nanny didn't have to stay so late. This arrangement they found worked great as they both had time to eat a decent dinner, spend time with the little boy before his bedtime, and get work done by a reasonable hour. Although they started the habit of having a nightcap once everything was done. It was during one of those late night night caps that he bared his soul.
Not just glossing over the hard parts like he had done with Rita but explaining his thoughts and feelings during everything that transpired. He had never been this open to anyone before but was willing to reveal his soul to her.
Olivia Benson never looked at him with pity but with understanding and maybe awe. Having gone through such horrific things in her life she understood the raw emotions that still poured out of him as he retold his story.
"I'm lost for words Rafa. Not because of pity but from the respect and wonder it took for el niño from el barrio to be so courageous and strong" Rafa... that was something only Olivia said. Her nickname for him. "I don't know Rafa if it'll mean anything to you, but I'm so proud of el niño" she choked.
Rafael basked in the adoration she gave him. Deciding to quickly take her hand and squeeze it. "Thank you Liv. It really means a lot to him." He knew then that he loved her. Rafael Barba el tiburón had fallen in love.
But that wasn't meant to be. He still loved her, Dios mío did he still love that woman. But she wanted nothing to do with him. It was all because of the Wheatley case. The only two reasons he took it was because A. the prosecution didn't have enough evidence to try him and all the key witnesses weren't the most reliable and B. the most important reason, he had to protect Liv.
He knew that she had let her previous feelings cloud her judgment letting Stabler near the investigation. Stabler was on a pedestal that Rafael could probably never reach. Feelings that nobody truly understood not even her and any other slimy defense attorney would use against her and possibly end her career.
But according to her she didn't ask him to protect her. Even though they were "friends" that it wasn't his place to protect her. Like he could watch Olivia be destroyed once again on the stand but this time because of Stabler. He couldn't allow them to destroy her, especially not because of that prick.
She was adamant that Stabler had her back for "23 years" but where was he for the past 12? She never heard a single world from that prick for 12 years but he "had her back"? Hijo de la gran Puta -son of a bitch- that's what Stabler was. Where was he when Liv found Noah, when Amaro left for Cali, Noah's adoption, FUCKING LEWIS, Mike Dodds, or Sheila Porter? Not to mention countless other times her life was on the line. WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?
He wanted to yell and scream at her. He wanted to make her see reason that he, Rafa had been there for her not Stabler. But he saw it in her eyes. The hurt and betrayal because he had the audacity to protect her. He knew no matter what he said, he could never topple Stabler off of that damn pedestal she had him on. No that was something she had to herself.
His phone buzzed pulling him out of his reverie once again. Glancing at it he saw that it was Rita asking him, where are you? He looked at the time before responding back, traffic give me 20?
He was already running late from his volunteering gig to help the people, his people, from the Bronx with no legal representation in various cases. Traffic was backed up a block from the Plaza Hotel at this point. Rafael grabbed some cash out of his wallet since he was going to cancel his Uber to just walk the rest of the way there.
After getting out of the Uber he headed towards the Plaza Hotel but quickly realized he was on the wrong side of the street. He'll just have to cross the street when he gets in front of it.
In all honesty, Rafael was still upset about everything that happened between him and Liv. Every time he thought about their conversation at Forlini's he got so angry and frustrated. But he needed to erase Liv and their conversation from his mind. If Rita even got an inkling of his sour mood she could sniff out the reason within minutes. Rita had expressed her desire to see Rafael happy and if that included Liv then he better do something about it or she would.
But she didn't understand how quickly their relationship had deteriorated. Rafa thought that their friendship was stronger than that. Their friendship that was slowly starting to turn into something more. And maybe it had been but he underestimated the hold Stabler had on Liv. He tried to be content but everything set him off now a days. It didn't help that he could barely sleep, waking up at 4 am every morning like clockwork.
Letting out a sigh of resignation Rafael was quickly coming up on the Plaza Hotel. Even at this hour in the city that never sleeps there were people walking the sidewalks lazily. He looked up and saw a couple starting to get "close" to each other that put a small scowl on his face.
Time to cross before I get up to them he thought. As he turned his body towards the street to cross, the wind picked up at that moment and he caught a whiff of a familiar perfume. Without realizing it he started searching for her.
That's when his eyes stopped on her of their own accord. There she was, Olivia Benson in the flesh. As he continued watching her his heart was slowly shattering. She was with another man. He a few years older than they were by the looks of it and she looked happy. She was gazing up at him how he wished everyday of his life that she would look at him the same way. And then she kissed him.
His breath caught in his lungs as his eyes were watering with unshed tears. He couldn't watch them anymore. He didn't need more proof that she had moved on and that their more than friendship didn't mean much to her at all. I mean how could it when she still felt betrayed by him for protecting her.
He couldn't see where he was going the tears he promised himself wouldn't fall were pouring down his cheeks. His anger and frustration from before gone. Now all he could feel was his heart tearing itself into pieces. Not paying attention to where he was going he rushed into the street the last thing he heard were the honks of the cars coming towards him.
So yea... sorry for the cliff hanger. But watching that episode I was amazed that Rafael hadn't bumped into them considering it was a likely place he would be. I get why Liv did what she did that night but seriously?? BARSON FOREVER. I might make this a series rather than a one shot but it depends on what kind of reviews I get. I truly hope you guys like it and thanks for the support!
