This chapter has Christian in quite a dark place so please read with caution as parts of it could be triggering. If you skip to around halfway down you will miss the therapy session
Neither Mia nor Kate answer their phones when I call them. They have clearly left Escala. I am unsurprised they don't answer although exceptionally disappointed in them both. It is very late on a Sunday night and I know that I do not need this extra level of stress. Added to the fact that Mia has definitely seen what lies behind my playroom door and will undoubtedly tell my parents.
I tug at my hair in frustration looking around the room. I am angry, embarrassed and ashamed of myself all in one. Taylor is stood beside me, surveying the scene with a look of dismay that could never equal mine. I can feel my heart rate start to pick up as I take a deep breath. "Taylor. Lock this up. Have someone empty the room tomorrow and strip it. Make it an ordinary bedroom," I turn on my heel and walk out.
I storm down the stairs to my living room and am once again greeted with the mess they left. I am livid and anxious all in one. I kick the sofa in anger, swearing as I stub my toe. "All clear. No one is here," Sawyer says, taking me by surprise.
"Good," I snap. "Have someone clean this mess up tonight. I'm not having Gail deal with this shit in the morning. And review the CCTV. Find out what's happened." I bark the order at him before heading to my untouched bedroom.
I slide down against the end of the bed, wrapping my arms around my legs. I'm slowly rocking. Clearly Ana was not the first relationship I had in that playroom. But we had it how we liked it. What we were both comfortable with. It was private between us. I'm shaken that someone would dare to walk in, much more trash it. Someone who I trusted to be in my home while I wasn't there. It feels like another memory of Ana has been destroyed.
Then there's my parents. If Mia has seen this, then she will have told mom and dad gleefully. I am so ashamed. What Ana and I did was loving and consensual. Previous partners, it was consensual. But regardless, it's such an intimate part of my life. I don't want my whole family to know. And I know they will see me differently. Think even less of me. Know what I told them about Elena wasn't true.
I take my phone from my pocket and send two texts. One telling Ros I won't be in tomorrow and the other for a last minute session with Flynn. Maybe he can help me with this. There's a tap on my door.
"Sir," Taylor calls as I stand. I'm not crying, I'm not shaking. I'm just drenched in shame. I walk to the door. "I've got the CCTV."
I follow him down to his office, sitting in a seat next to his desk. The first clips he has are of the living room. Around lunchtime on Saturday Mia and Kate wake up from their drunken stupor on my sofa. An hour later, Jose and Ethan are both there. That's when the beer drinking starts. And continues. Taylor fast forwards hours to 6pm. He halts it as Kate enters the kitchen.
Her and Mia are giggling I can tell from the clip but there is no sound. Kate opens the drawer full of our keys, all my car keys. But I know that's not what she's looking for. Ana has maybe told her more than she ever let on. I thought she only mentioned the contract because Kate had it. I didn't know she'd told her there was a locked room. My heart rate quickens. What if she showed her?
Ana would never do that to you.
Taylor switches the feed to all four of them heading upstairs. They enter one by one, beers in hand. The feed stops here. There's no camera in that room. For obvious reasons. They come and go for the next 3-4 hours, taking more beer and wine in. It's 10pm when they all arrive back in my living room.
They're laughing. All laughing. I'm livid. I see Kate mime to shush as Mia dumps the key back on the counter. Then they're gone, heading down in the elevator. Taylor isn't looking at me, just scanning CCTV to confirm they don't return. I have rested my chin on my hand, staring at the last frozen clip of Ethan entering the elevator. "Fuckers," I shout, standing up and kicking a printer under Taylor's desk. "Fucking. Fucking. Fucks."
Taylor doesn't react, just pauses the footage he is watching and clearly waiting for my next order. But what can I actually ask him to do? This was 24 hours ago. Everyone knows this intimate detail. He can't erase it. I wonder how much detail Kate gave of the contract. She probably didn't need much. All the shit in that room what enough.
Then it's happening. First proper one since I couldn't get an erection. My heart rate spikes and my breathing stops. Or goes too fast. I can't think. There is no air in this office and I am suffocating. I stumble into the hallway, leaning against the wall. I'm crying. It's restricting my breath even more. Taylor has followed me.
He has calming hands on my shoulders, guiding me to sit on the floor and instructing me to breathe. The rapid panting turns to slow breaths punctuated by pathetic sobs. I'm holding my knees again, as I seem to do all too often lately. Tears are flowing down my face. I wipe snot on my sleeve and gulp at the air. My head feels so light. But there is air. We have air in the corridor.
I whisper the next pathetic sentence. It doesn't even sound like me. "What is my mom going to think?" I can't look at Taylor. He's known for years.
"Your mom isn't going to care, Mr Grey," he says firmly. "She loves you. She doesn't care what you do in bed."
"But she's going to think I was beating Ana," I let our another sob. I'm sure I would have been if she let me. But she didn't. She stopped you. She saved you from this. But what about everyone else? Kate knew that contract wasn't a one off. My mom is going to think I'm a monster. My dad is going to think I'm the failure he always knew I was. And I've made so many strides these past few months.
"I'm sure if she is concerned she will discuss it with you. But I doubt she is going to," he's so calm, so stoic. I don't know how he always manages to be so level.
"I'm such a fucking failure," I tell my knees but I'm suddenly incredibly conscious I've said it in front of Taylor. The back of my neck heats up with embarrassment. This is definitely one I'm meant to say to my psychologist, not my security guard. I imagine he's thinking the same thing.
"You're not a failure. Firstly, this wasn't your fault. And secondly, this element of your life has no consequence to anyone but who you're doing it with," he says firmly. I know he's judged me in the past for it. Silently but I know he's still felt it. I can tell sometimes from the look on his face. But yet somehow he still works for me. So bizarrely and for whatever reason, he must like me.
I have a lot more I want to say on the matter but this isn't a Taylor conversation, it's one I need to have with Flynn. He has managed to squeeze me in at 2pm the next day and I am very relieved. I arrive in dark blue jeans and a white button down, actually looking a bit more like me I take a seat in his office and the facade of okay crumbles at once as I rest my elbows on my knees.
"So firstly, I know something is troubling you. But I want to say well done for making the right choice and coming here," John begins as I shrug a little. It was this or drink a lot. A lot.
He sits pensive, waiting on me to say something. I open and close my mouth a couple of times. "The last few days have been a bit… rough," I mutter. It must be. I was only here on Thursday asking whether or not he thought I had erectile dysfunction. He still doesn't speak. Just waits for me. "I went to Georgia over the weekend. To see Ana's mom. She was… this isn't about her."
Flynn regards me again for a while. "What is it about?"
I twist my fingers together. I hate talking about this shit. And so much shit has happened. "Teddy told me on Saturday morning that he has no actual memories of Ana," I blurt out.
Flynn nods a little. "I think we did discuss this would happen. I gave you some books to guide you?" He asks me as I nod back. "But it will still hurt."
"Because it's my fault," I respond flatly.
"Why do you think it is your fault?" He asks me, having written a note down.
"Because the books say he should be able to remember 12 months. And he's forgotten at 7 months. Because I didn't try enough. Because I'm self absorbed and selfish. And just thinking about me," I ramble on. My palms are sweaty so I wipe them on my jeans.
"Christian. There is research in those books which demonstrate how long young children may be able to remember. It's not a hard and fast rule for every child. Every single child is different. There will be things that are important to Teddy that have taken precedence," he continues. It's not soothing me. What has taken precedence? Have I done such a horrible job he's traumatised instead? "What did Teddy actually say to you?"
"That he knows we talk about mommy and we look at photos but he can't remember being with her," I shake my head. I'm such a fuck up.
"So he has no episodic memories specifically of Ana? But he clearly has episodic memories of your conversations. His semantic memory is clearly good because you have been talking," Flynn responds right away, gently.
"What should I have done differently?" I ask him desperately. I meet his eyes for once. Mine are swimming in tears.
"Nothing," Flynn says calmly as I swallow. "He's been open with you. He clearly trusts you. The fact he is talking about his mother. He knows she's important but his own memories have faded. That doesn't mean he won't make new memories as you tell him about things. And he will be doing lots of things with your nanny, at daycare and with you. Those are all important in his life right now. It doesn't mean he's forgotten his mom. Or he wouldn't be talking to you about her."
"So there's only room for so many memories?" I ask him slowly, brushing a tear away quickly with my sleeve.
"We don't know how much room the memory has. Research is still ongoing," Flynn says slowly. "You have memories from many years ago. But I would be doubtful you could tell me every details of every day. You just have snippets that are important."
"But why isn't Ana important to Ted?" I whisper.
"She is. That's why he's asking about her. But she isn't present in his day to day life and he's young so things that aren't present don't always stay," he explains to me as I shake my head.
"But I should have done more."
"What? Imagine you took Teddy to Disneyland next week. That's a huge memory for a kid. But at ten if you turn round to him and say do you remember when you cried on It's A Small World I guarantee he won't remember," he continues, trying to give me an analogy.
"I remember crying on It's a Small World at six," I say slowly.
"Because you were older. Memories in very small children are fragile and there is nothing we can do to preserve them. Eventually, they forget." I rub my forehead, grabbing a tissue from his desk and blowing my nose very loudly. He waits for me to compose myself.
"What else has happened?" He asks me as I let out a low sigh and start to recount the events with Mia and Kate, neither of whom have had the decency to speak to me. "So you're angry?" He asks me when I finish.
"Mostly with myself," I say flatly. I use the tissue to wipe my eyes.
"Why are you angry with yourself?" He asks me.
"Because I'm ashamed. Ashamed my whole family will know," I'm surprised at how direct I'm managing to be.
"But that's not your fault," he looks puzzled. "Mia and Kate broke in. Presumably you're expecting Mia to tell. Why are you angry with yourself?"
"Because I made those choices!" My voice is louder now. Flynn doesn't even flinch. Like Taylor, he's used to this. "I chose to be disgusting and to do disgusting things to women. Because it made me feel good. I never gave a fuck about anyone but me. Look at Leila! She was clearly my fault." I'm shouting now.
"Leila's husband died. Were you responsible for that?" He asks me.
"I fucked people up. Because I was fucked up, I made other people miserable. I tried to bring Ana down with me. Ana!" I'm stood up now and he looks marginally surprised. Probably that I can be bothered to get my lazy ass out of the chair.
"Christian. Lots of people engage in BDSM," Flynn says softly.
"But you know it wasn't BDSM. It was because I wanted to hurt people because I got hurt! And I'm still fucking doing it!" I'm yelling now, up the far end of his office, not facing him.
"I thought you said you wanted to have, what do you call it, vanilla sex?"
"It's not sex," I roar. "I do it to everyone, all the time. The second something doesn't go my way I yell at people. And I'm rude and horrible and I hurt people. Because I'm a horrible person!"
"Let's calm down," Flynn says, not even the slightest edge in his voice. I sink into his couch. I don't normally sit here. I pull my legs up to my chest. I'm breathing hard, so angry with myself. I want to hurt myself. I've never felt this before. I want to find a knife and plunge it into myself. I don't say this.
"I hate. I hate myself. I don't ever want to do anything. I just want to close away. I could shut myself away forever. Then no one would have to be around me. And I could just sleep and cry. And stop making myself and everyone around me miserable," I spit, more at myself than at Flynn.
"Who do you think you're being horrible to? Or making miserable?" He asks. He's turned his chair to face me. I'm not looking at him, just my legs as I have my arms wrapped tight around them.
"Everyone. Last night I snapped at Sawyer and Taylor. Hope over the weekend. I'm just nasty," I continue, not bothering to stop for breath. Apparently for once I have plenty. Maybe I should stop using up other people's air.
"They work for you. I'm sure you're not making them miserable," he says slowly.
"Really? How would you like to come to work and be liable to be yelled at at any moment?" I ask glaring at him. He grins. "I don't mean by me," I say a little more petulantly. "I mean by your colleagues."
Flynn removes his grin and sighs. "Christian. You know they have the option to leave. No I wouldn't like it though so perhaps it is something you could work on? We could work on it together."
"Great! More to work on! Nothing about me is right. I'm just a horrible, evil person," I continue desperately.
"You're not. I promise you're not. Your little boy idolises you. Your parents adore you. You maybe have some difficult traits but-"
"It should have been me that died," I interrupt him. "I should have died. Ana would have been the better parent. They could have been happy. She was a better person. Everyone loved her. Even my parents would have preferred to have her as their daughter and me die."
"They've told you that?" Flynn asks. He knows for a fact they haven't.
"They don't need to," I respond. "Why wouldn't they prefer to have Ana than me?"
"Well it seems like a strange point to make, Christian. It wasn't like the pair of you made a mutual decision on behalf of the rest of mankind who would die. It was decided without either of your input," he is calm. I decide to listen for a bit. Mostly because I'm out of things to shout. "You are both very unique people and you also have lots of lovely things to offer. Mostly, you're kind and compassionate," he puts a hand up to silence me. "You're doing a wonderful job with your two children. Perhaps you need to rein your temper in. But it doesn't make you an overall bad person or some sacrifice for what you perceive as a better person."
"It's not how I perceive it. It's a fact," I snap at him.
"Look. I want to give the Celexa a couple more weeks to really get into your system at the higher dose. If it isn't working, we need to look at a different drug," he continues. He has made his point about me and he isn't going to sit and have an argument with me about it. "These feelings about yourself, they aren't new. You need to be open to them. Speak to people about how you feel. Your fears."
I shrug. My fingers are shaking. "I don't want to see my mom and dad."
"Why?" He asks me, more gently.
"Because they're going to hate me," I whisper. My whole body is shaking now.
"You're making assumptions without collecting any evidence. They probably don't even want to speak with you about it, because they know it is none of their business. But if it will make you feel better to talk about it, bring it up. Be open," he looks at me, his face serious as I shrug. We've been here well over an hour.
"I need to ask you a question and I want you to be very honest," he looks at me. His gaze is steely. I chew my lip. I'm still shaking. "Do you want to hurt yourself and do you have any intention of hurting yourself?"
How did he see right through me? Dd he read that thought? I gulp. I break eye contact, examining my shaking knees. "Yes and no." I'm taken aback by my own honestly as it comes out barely more than a whisper.
"What does that mean?" He asks me. I'm aware because this was a last minute session his next client will be waiting and we are seriously over running. He isn't going to let me go like this.
I look up and sigh. I swallow back some more tears I didn't even know were coming. My whole body is shaking. My heart is thumping. "Yes, I want to hurt myself, but no, I have no intentions of doing so."
"You do not intend to act on these thoughts?" Flynn confirms. His gaze is burning into my face. I want to look away.
"No," I say truthfully. Not at the moment, anyway.
I can tell Flynn is uncomfortable. "I'm going to call you this evening and again tomorrow and see how you are. If you fail to answer your phone, I will send the police. Okay?" He asks me seriously. This isn't a subjective matter. His duty of care is kicking in.
"Yes," I say as I stand. I offer my hand which he shakes. I walk out, past the other client who I am aware is staring at me, having made them wait. I push the door open and head out to the SUV, climbing in the back, my head down.
I spend most of the journey home running my fingers through my hair. I message Kate and Mia, asking both of them to call me and slide my phone back in my pocket as we reach Escala. I lean against the cool wall of the elevator, Taylor avoiding my gaze as always. I feel my phone vibrate and its a text from my mom.
Hi sweetheart, would you and the kids like to join us for dinner tomorrow? xx
Oh she knows. She never invites me to plans this last minute unless she has something to say or she's worried about me. Mia has blabbed. Or maybe Kate. Who knows. I text her back, agreeing. The sooner I get this encounter over with the better. My night is restless waiting to see my mom and I ask Taylor to drive us over at 5pm.
I help Teddy out of the car at Belle Vue as he runs over to greet my dad who has stepped out. If he's not happy with me, he's giving nothing away. I walk around the other side of the car to get Rose out, balancing her on my hip. As we reach the hall, my mom walks through. She doesn't look at me any different, just hurries to Rose.
"Oh you are getting so grown up," she scoops her out of my arms as Rose babbles delightedly. This Grandma she knows. Plus she's just had a dose of Tylenol so that is surely helping.
"Can I put her teething ring in your fridge?" I ask as my mom nods, heading through to their living room with the kids. I walk to the kitchen which runs along the back of the house, opening the fridge and placing the ring in to keep it cool. I'm about to go through when both my parents walk in. This can't be good.
My dad gives me a strange smile, my mom heads into the fridge to get some juice.
"I assume Mia told you," I say slowly as my mom pours us glasses of juice. She is awkward, I can tell.
"About what?" She asks me. She knows. Please don't make me say it.
"My bedroom. Upstairs…" I say slowly, taking the glass and gulping half of it. My mom doesn't look at me directly. My dad does.
"Yes, and it wasn't her place to," Carrick says firmly. I'm surprised. Carrick usually always takes Mia's side over mine. Mom is more fair.
"Do you hate me?" The words tumble out of my mouth. The anxiety is sat in the pit of my stomach as I watch them.
"Why would we hate you?" Mom asks me in surprise, looking directly at me. She is clearly uncomfortable. I expect my parents' tastes are very vanilla indeed. Ew, why did I go there?
"Because… it makes me a bad person," I mumble down to my shoes.
"Son, I'm not going to pretend I understand anything that happened in that room," my dad begins. Oh god. "But was it always consensual?"
"Yes. Of course," I say quickly. My fingertips are white on the glass of juice. I am scared if I grip it any harder the glass will break. My mom seems to have the same thought and removes it from me, leaving me to wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans.
"Then it is none of my business. Your mother's business. Mia's business. Or certainly not that Kate's business. You've done nothing wrong," he tells me firmly as I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"You don't judge me?" I ask them shakily.
"Of course not," my mom says firmly. "It takes all sorts to make a world. If you and Ana were happy, then why not?" She asks me as I feel my face go even redder.
"You do get it wasn't just Ana?" I may as well get it all out there, no point Mia drop feeding at a later date.
"During your marriage?" My mom is shocked.
"Oh god, no. During my marriage it was just Ana. Before I mean," I clarify quickly. My face is radiating heat.
"We don't need to know," my mom says firmly. "You don't owe us, or anyone an explanation. Okay?"
I chew my fingers. I can't look at them so I look at my feet. "What if they tell other people?"
"I took the liberty of drafting NDAs when Mia spilt the news on Sunday. They've all signed," my dad says firmly.
"Thank you," I whisper. I want to hug him so badly. But I just don't hug my dad. And I doubt my mom wants me to hug her. Whatever she might say, she probably thinks I am disgusting and won't want me anywhere near her ever again. The thought makes my stomach twist.
"Have you spoken to any of them?" Dad asks me, taking his own juice and sipping it.
"No. I don't really know Ethan and Jose… they were Ana's friends," I trail off slowly. She would be so upset with her friends. How could they do this to her? She always told me they were such good guys. But yet I know Ethan tried it on with Mia and Jose with Ana. They broke their dead friend's trust. I would love to knock their heads together.
Then Kate. Kate I thought I did know. I was never planning on becoming best friends with her but she was around a lot, especially when Teddy was born and Ana adored her. She committed the biggest betrayal of all. I don't care how much my brother hurt her. I don't care how much she dislikes me. She betrayed Ana the most. As for my sister, well it's probably the kind of entitled shit she would pull.
"Well, we will be sending Mia to apologise," mom says firmly.
"Seriously. Don't bother. I don't want to talk to her right now," I take a deep breath and head back to the living room to check on my kids. I don't need to talk to Mia. I know she's not kept her fucking mouth shut. I'm so mad at my own sister for hurting me like this. You hurt yourself, Grey.
I ignore the little voice and go to sit on the floor with the kids. Taylor, who has been watching them, slips out silently as my mom and dad join us. "Teddy, what's your question from the car?" I ask as he works on setting up a shop with the food toys my parents have at their house for him. Rose is chewing on a kaleidoscope. I carefully remove it from her mouth.
"What's for dinner?" He asks my mom who smiles at him.
"Roast lamb with potatoes and veg. Does that sound good?" She asks him, sitting down on the floor to play with him.
"Yummy," Teddy agrees. My mom goes to check on the lamb a couple of times but we spend a peaceful next hour buying groceries from Ted. His counting is very impressive and he is enjoying the little cash desk even if doesn't fully understand the prices.
I follow my mom to the kitchen on the third occasion as Rose has started fussing. I balance her on my hip, opening the fridge to get her teething ring which she quickly takes. "You're so sore, aren't you?" I murmur.
"How many teeth?" My mom asks me as takes the warmed plates from the oven.
"Two I think right now but I think maybe two more. You can take a look later," I give her a small smile. My mom is a paediatrician so always handy to have around with small children.
"Do you mind if I ask a question?" She asks me as she drains some vegetables. Gretchen often cooks but I know my mom loves to cook for her family, much like Ana did. My eyebrows raise at the idea of a question. I really hope it's not to do with the playroom.
"Sure," I say as Rose fusses a little and I check my phone for her Tylenol schedule.
"Are you… planning on dating again?" My mom asks me slowly, clearly not wanting to alarm me.
"I kind of tried," I say slowly, my face flushing a little.
"That's wonderful," she looks warm as she places veg on everyone's plates.
"Not really. It's didn't go well. I mean she was lovely but I had a panic attack," I say slowly. I'm not telling her about the ED. She doesn't need to know that. "I'm not ready," I add quickly as she gives me an empathetic look.
"That's okay, I just wondered," she busies herself with the lamb and potatoes as I settle Rose in the high chair now permanently positioned in my mom and dad's kitchen. They love having their grandchildren round. Unlike Ana's mom. That reminds me.
"Mom, do you think I'm fat?" I ask as I buckle the straps on Rose.
"No, of course I don't. Why would you ask that?" She looks surprised as she starts to place the plates on the table before getting a jar of food for Rose.
"Ana's mom said I was so I just wondered if that was the consensus," I'm curious. Not bothered by it. It doesn't upset me or make me anxious. Ana's mom observing it pisses me off but that's about it.
"Of course it isn't," my mom says as my dad walks in with Teddy. "Even if you were, what's it to do with her? I mean she's been absent for what, six months? I doubt it comes from a place of genuine concern." I'm surprised my mom bad mouthed Carla. Guess she's still protective of me then. The meal is enjoyable and we head home around 9. I settle the kids and head to my own room. I've left my phone on charge and am surprised to see a text from Kate.
Christian. Please can we talk?
I snort at it, contemplating what to do as I take a shower. True to his word, Flynn has called today. I do feel a little brighter after dinner with my parents. They don't seem to hate me. They still seem to care about me and not think I'm a monster. I let the soapy water run over me as I glance down at my naked body. I know I'm not as toned as I was and I have put on weight but it's not that bad. Maybe I need to start working out again. I grimace at the thought as I step out and grab a towel, walking through to the bedroom and picking up my phone.
You can come over for a bit on Friday evening? After 8 when the kids are in bed.
I send the message to Kate before laying down. Mia still hasn't responded to me and I realise I don't care. I wonder how Elliott is getting on and what his side of the story is. I drop him a text before laying back on my pillows. I stare at the ceiling a while before picking my phone up again to reply to Emily.
Hey, sorry I've been totally AWOL. Busy weekend. I do appreciate your message. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet. Sorry
I watch the green bar slide and then close my eyes. Sleep takes a long while to come and I gaze up at my ceiling, my heart as empty as the bed beside me. I gaze across at her spot, missing her all over again. I roll and pick up her pillow, cuddling it close and eventually drifting off.
Kate arrives on Friday around half 8 when the children are in bed. She has a bottle of white wine in hand, perhaps to replace one of mine that she and her group of friends drunk. Hmm, not nearly expensive enough, I think darkly as I take it and set it on the side.
"Christian, I wanted to say I am so sorry for the way we behaved here. And the mess we made," she says, sincerely I think. She has a black leather jacket over a khaki maxi dress. Her blond waves are loose. Ana always thought Kate was the prettier of the two of them. I could certainly never be convinced.
I don't respond to her apology as I indicate the couch. I pour her a glass of a white wine I have refrigerated, getting myself a lemonade. I take a seat on the opposite side of the couch as she watches me. If she thinks she's batting her eyelids and getting away with this she is sorely mistaken.
"So why do it?" I asked eventually.
"We were drunk. Mia suggested we come here as I'm still waiting for Elliott to move out of mine," she explains. "And she's at your parents currently."
"That doesn't really explain why you did what you did," I say. She looks a little flustered. She's known me nearly four years. She must know her charms do not work on me. I cock my head to one side.
"It was just a few beers, Christian. You can send us the cleaning bill," she adds as I let out a small snort.
"You think I'm upset about the mess down here?" I ask her in a dead tone, my grey eyes fixated on her bright green ones. She blushes. "Yeah," I add in a slightly more aggressive tone.
"I was so drunk. And your brother just cheated on me," she says in a whinier voice.
"I'm not my brother," I manage a clipped tone. "What you opened up was between myself and your best friend. You only ever found out about it through snooping. And Ana trusted you." I'm not backing down. She's turning on the waterworks. I point at a box of tissues on my coffee table, remaining impassive.
She takes one and wipes her eyes and nose. "I never meant to hurt Ana," she sobs.
"You thought that by exposing that to all her friends and sister in law, you wouldn't hurt her?" My tone is dangerous now, daring her to push this further. I can tell from how she's approached this she could care less if she hurt me. I know she's upset she hurt Ana. I don't care. I want to make her hurt. She's hurt me and she's hurt her best friend.
"It was just fun," she says wiping the tear streaks in her foundations. "I told them it was all you."
"That's nice. Thanks," I say sardonically.
"I told them Ana never went in. They don't think bad of Ana," she says more firmly. I want to laugh.
"Well, isn't that good?" I give her a fake smile. "So, pray, tell me. What have I done to upset you?"
"You knew what Elliott was like. And you never told me," she whispers. Seriously, she's mad at me? Ana always thought we should tell her but I always though Elliott had changed for her. A bit like I had with Ana. And even if I didn't think that, I have no right to insert myself in someone else's relationship. I was mad as hell when she accosted Ana and I with the fucking contract that night. I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.
"Kate. You're a big girl. You can make your own decisions," I say firmly.
"Your brother has been cheating on me for months. You're clearly close. Why did you never say anything?" She asks me tearfully.
"i don't know what my brother has been doing the past few months," I say stiffly. "Largely, because I have been quite busy with my own life falling apart." I glare at her. Oh, she's backing down a little.
"He hasn't told you?" She asks in disbelief. "Mia was sure he would have."
"Of course he hasn't told me," I snap at her. "Why would he bring that to my door right now?" I'm pissed at her. I don't know what I would have done had I had the information. Probably asked Ana for her advice. But I didn't have the information. I had no idea. I've only seen Elliott at my parents' house or with Kate. This has never come up. This isn't my problem.
"I'm sorry," she actually looks contrite now. Properly.
"It's a bit late. You realise Mia has told my mom and dad?" I ask her aggressively. "Do you have any idea what that's like?" I'm really pissed at her now and I don't feel bad about this one at all.
"I'm sorry," she wails a little. I frown at her.
"Seriously? How did you even know how to get in there?" I snap. This is the moment. Did Ana tell her about the room? I wait with baited breath. This is the only bit I am anxious about. Whether or not my beloved wife would spill our secrets to Kate.
"The contract mentions all these things. And I've never seen them. But I know whenever I've stayed over, that room is locked. And Ana showed me where all your keys were once when she was getting a car key," the words tumble out. Ana didn't betray me. Kate figured it out herself. My anxiety settles. I can just focus on being mad.
"You need to stop meddling with other people's business. Or certainly mine," I snap at her.
"I'm sorry, Christian," she tries again. I don't respond. "You know I am hurting because I lost Ana too?" She is sincere here, I know. "Then I've lost Elliott. I'm a bit overwhelmed. I thought you knew more than you did and I just wanted revenge. I'm sorry I picked you."
I run my tongue over my top lip as I watch her. "I know you're hurting over Ana. I'm sorry we've not talked more. I know you wanted to." I have barely replied to her for months. I've been focusing on my pain but she's in pain too. She knew Ana longer.
"It's okay," she says, picking up her wine and coming to sit at my end of the couch. "Can I do anything to fix this?" She points up at the playroom.
"Just keep your mouth shut. And make sure your brother and Jose do too," I say, a little more forcefully but I'm aware the fight is leaving me.
She nods. "How are you doing?" She asks me. I take a deep breath. Mental health is not coming up but I open up about Ana a bit, about missing her each day and how much I want for her to watch her children grow up. We both cry a bit. It's weirdly cathartic.
We talk late into the night. She tells me all kinds of things I didn't know about Ana from college. I enjoy hearing them. "Christian," she says eventually as it gets to 11 and she's finished the bottle. "I am really sorry I hurt you."
"I know," I say. I'm about to forgive her and then I'm aware far too late she's leaning in. Her lips touch mine and I jump up like I've been burnt. "What the fuck?" I shout at her. Ana's best friend just kissed me. And not in a friendly way. Like in a way she thought this might go further. I'm getting away from her as fast as I can.
"I thought that…" she begins, clearly surprised by my reaction. Surprised!
"You thought what?" I'm shouting now. "You just broke up with my brother and you're the best friend of my late wife. What could you possibly think?" I can feel my heart racing, not with anxiety, with pure, unfiltered rage. My fists are balled. Not to strike her but in fury.
"I thought that's why it might work…" she trails off.
"Work? What could possibly fucking work? Let me get one thing here very, very clear. I am not attracted to you. I have never been attracted to you. And I never will be attracted to you," I spit at her. I'm shaking, incandescent. "You are Ana's best friend. Even looking at you would be betraying her. And you have just betrayed her. Whether you think showing everyone that room is a betrayal is up for debate. But that…" I point at where we were on the couch. "That was a fucking betrayal."
"It wasn't meant like that," she responds quickly.
I laugh. Loudly and with no humour. "Taylor," I bark down the corridor as I hear him moving in his study. "Taylor is going to take you home. Don't you ever, fucking dare, come back to my home. Do you understand me?" Kate is standing, shakily from my rage and probably the sheer volume of alcohol she consumed.
Taylor is in the living room, looking thoroughly alarmed. "Please take her home," I snap at him before turning on my heel and storming to my room. I kick the wall in anger before throwing myself on my bed. Bitch. Fucking bitch.
I hear the elevator close and I go in search of my phone. As I find it on the counter I'm distracted momentarily by the smell of fresh paint. I frown before realising something. I head to the stairs and walk upstairs. The playroom door is ever so slightly ajar.
It looks twice the size it did before, all magnolia walls. I wonder how many coats it took to cover the scarlet paint. A divan bed has been placed in, in a grey colour. Matching furniture adorns the walls. The window has been uncovered. Seattle is visible below. I watch the cars moving, wondering if I can see Kate and Taylor. My phone buzzes in my hand.
Christian, I am so sorry. I misread it entirely
I shake my head at Kate's text in disgust. I send her a thumbs up to the text. It's all she's going to get from me.
