Hey all, so this is a story I started a couple of years ago... For those of you who have read Irreconcilable Differences, this could not be a more different Grey. He's going to develop throughout this piece and will be quite OOC by the end. I've been putting off writing more chapters while I finished my other story. This deals with some quite mature themes throughout. It is not an A&C HEA but I promise once we wade through it all there is a HEA
Ana leans over to wake me at 6.30 am. I stretch slowly, the early August sunlight pouring into the room through the drapes which we clearly didn't close properly last night. The large room is bathed in a sun kissed glow, the beech hardwood reflecting back the light. My beautiful wife is leant over me, squeezing my arm.
"Baby," I murmur, leaning up to kiss her. She keeps it chaste, stroking my cheek.
"It's go time," she gives me a broad smile as I jolt, sitting up suddenly.
"Now, we need to go now?" I practically fall out of bed in my haste. To say she is the one preparing to give birth she is remarkably calmer than me. This is our second time around but I still have all the panic of before as I run to the bathroom and back again. "Fuck, where's the bag?"
"It's in the hall. Maybe get dressed before we head out?" She gives me one of those teasing smiles before moving to stand herself. I rush over to support her. Her waters have broken in the bed and her pyjamas are soaked through.
"I'll get you some clothes," I say helping her to the closet and getting her a seat. I pick out grey sweat pants and a burgundy t shirt, helping her to change as she leans on me for support. "How many contractions have you had so far?" I ask, kneeling in front of her to put trainer socks on. Past her huge bump, this would be a feat for her without her being in labour. I grab the comfiest sneakers she owns and get them on as she talks me through contractions. Every ten minutes, lasting around a minute. We're going to need to time this properly.
I hurry to the bathroom, running a toothbrush round my mouth at such speed I'm not convinced it actually touches any of my teeth. Then I'm back in the closet getting dressed in jeans and a charcoal t shirt. "Okay, are you ready?" I ask helping Ana up as I witness the first contraction of her second labour. I'm back on the day Teddy was born as she clutches her belly as I hold her up as best as I can.
We make it through to the foyer as I call for Taylor to drive us. The baby bag is over near the elevator and I pick it up as we make our way down the floors. She uses me and the railing for support. I notice how much her bump has dropped in the last few days and I'm surprised I hadn't sensed an earlier warning that the baby was coming.
I help Anastasia into the car, buckling up before running round to my side. I pull out my iPhone to call our doctor and let her know that we are on the way and will be there in around 30 minutes. I keep a protective arm around Ana, using my Omega to time her contractions as they come. Taylor is doing a good job of weaving in amongst the traffic but even at this time on a Tuesday, in Seattle it is starting to build up.
Ana's breathing is fast as she experiences her third contraction of the car journey and she grips my thigh. Her knuckles are white as her fingers dig into the fabric of my jeans. I rest my hand on top of hers and keep my free arm around her waist, rubbing her belly and checking my watch. "You're doing amazing," I kiss her hair gently. "That was 52 seconds."
"I'm so excited to meet our daughter," she gives me a broad smile. Once again, she has opted for a natural labour, despite Teddy's birth ending in an emergency c section. While I share her excitement of meeting our daughter I can't shake the anxiety for the birth, that she is going to risk going through it all again.
I give her the most convincing smile back I can manage as Taylor pulls up directly outside the maternity ward doors. I kiss her forehead quickly before climbing back out and getting her a chair, pushing her into the hospital as Taylor goes to park our car. Ana gives her name at reception as I stand by nervously checking my watch, expecting another contraction any moment.
We are taken up to the birthing room. It is the same room Teddy was very nearly delivered in, had Ana not been rushed for surgery instead. It is the most private room the hospital has to offer, away down a corridor. It's peaceful, no one else around to recognise us. She has text her dad to let him know she is in labour. I text my mom.
Okay sweetheart, we'll see you soon x
"Mom is coming," I tell Ana once one of the nurses has got her settled in her bed. "What did your dad say?" I ask her as I smooth the sheet underneath her unnecessarily, looking for something to occupy my brain. Despite the pain coming every few minutes she looks remarkably calm. My warrior.
"Yes he's on his way. Kate's going to come too," she adds and I give her a forced smile. What a joyful day it will be in the company of Miss Kavanagh. She missed Teddy's birth as she was on vacation with Elliott at the time. I assume this also means my brother will be on his way and I am sure my parents will bring Mia along too. Looks like the private waiting room outside is going to be pretty full.
I am fairly sure Ana's mom won't be here for at least the next few days. It took her a full week to visit Teddy. It makes me sad as I know how much Ana loves her mom but she always seems to make husband number 4, Bob, her priority. Perhaps Flynn is right and I really need to sit back and appreciate how lucky I am to have two parents that adore me. Even Carrick.
I squeeze Ana's fingers as she experiences another contraction. The nurses are timing now but I still check my watch. Definitely closer together. Just over 7 minutes now. She stops screaming and relaxes back on the bed as the contraction fades. I squeeze her shoulder. "Sure you want to do a natural birth? We can still opt for a c section," I suggest slowly.
She sighs and shakes her head. "How many more times you going to try this?" She asks me, her voice a mixture of exasperation and amusement.
"Promise that's my last," I say eventually, although really I would like to keep badgering her about this until it is literally impossible to have a planned c section. I kiss her knuckles. "You still like the name Phoebe?"
"I think it's beautiful. She clearly meant a lot to you when you were a kid," she adds, pushing my unbrushed hair out of my eyes. She is of course referencing the Phoebe I lived with, albeit briefly, when I was waiting to go home and live with Grace and Carrick.
"And you want my mom as the middle name?" I ask her. We picked Raymond for Teddy, in honour of her dad.
"Yes, she'll be so excited, Christian," she tells me gently rubbing my shoulder. I'm not doing as good a job of hiding my tension about this natural birth as I thought I was. "You do get I'm giving birth, not you?" She teases me as I try to relax my body a little.
"Oh I get that," I say quickly. "Although we are both going through our own pain," I add, because someone is refusing the safest method of giving birth. Well in her case since she lost so much blood last time.
"Apparently it's the same as pushing an entire jacket potato through your penis," she gives me one of her most Ana smiles. Fuck, I love her so much. Although that statement makes me wince a lot. Yeah, maybe she does get to make this decision.
"I've never tried so I'll take your word for it," I stand, going to let my mom in. She hugs me very tightly before heading to embrace Ana, passing her an enormous bouquet. Mom and dad live right by the hospital since this is where Grace works, so getting here takes them no time at all. My father hovers around the door.
"Carrick, come in," Ana says warmly as he walks in, kissing each of her cheeks before clapping me firmly on the back.
"So you're both excited?" Grace asks us, although I expect aimed more at me not pouring more anxiety out like I have to her every other day for the last month of the pregnancy.
"I will be when she's here," Ana says grabbing my hand as a further contraction arrives. Mia chooses to bounce in mid way through this, pulling a face as Ana screams in pain. Maybe Mia won't be planning to give birth any time soon. Mind you, she'd have to find someone willing to have her. From what I understand she drove Ethan Kavanagh round the bend. The girl never switches off.
"Holy fuck, six minutes," I comment. "This little girl is in a rush," the nurse gives me a smile. The doctor is back around the four minute mark, checking dilation for the baby to arrive. Ray is also here by this point along with Kate and Elliott. Neither one of them look especially happy. Ana would usually be overly concerned at this point but right now she has other priorities. I am not in the headspace either to dive down the rabbit hole that is the near three year engagement of Elliott and Kate.
"We're about 8cm dilated now," the doctor tells us with a smile as I nod. Ana seems to be losing some of her calmness now, soaked in sweat, her face red from the contractions. I haven't been calm the entire time, but I'm certainly getting more anxious as the birth draws nearer.
"Okay, baby is nearly here," the doctor continues. "So I'm going to ask everyone except the father to leave please," she says as my mom gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Good luck," she says to Ana and me before heading out with the rest of my family.
"I can't wait to meet her Annie," Ray kisses his only daughter's head as he follows my family from the room. I take Ana's hand as she experiences another contraction. Her fingers grip me so tightly I am quite sure I feel the bones move. We're moving fast now.
"Okay, we're at ten centimetres," the doctor announces. "It's time to start pushing," she adds as Ana screams through a contraction and starts to push. And that's when it starts. The bleeding again. There is blood starting to come out very fast. I take a deep breath. The doctors are also starting to look concerned.
"Okay, I need to take a look," the first doctor says, their gloved hand coming away soaked in blood. Not normal birth blood. This is a blood bath. My heart is thumping, Ana looks scared now.
"What's happening?" I ask the doctor, far more aggressively than I really intended to. Ana looks so scared. I can see it in those beautiful blue eyes. My breathing is so fast. She isn't pushing, she's not even screaming in pain as she should be. Fear is taking over. Her fingers are sweaty against mine.
"We need to go to surgery," the doctor announces and I gulp. A second emergency c section is coming.
"Are you sure? Can I not try again?" Ana asks desperately, tears flowing down her porcelain face.
"No, you mustn't," I say angrily. I move my arm to around her shoulder, my actions not reflecting my tone. "Baby," I'm so much more gentle now. "I love you."
"I love you too," she whispers back as I press my lips to her sweaty forehead. They're moving me out of the way, everything being unplugged from the wall as they prepare to wheel her to theatre. The deja vu of two years ago is back. My skin is tingling, every hair on end. The bed is moving for the doors.
"I love you," I call desperately after her.
"I love you, Christian," I hear her say as they hurry her down the corridor. I look frantically around the room, grabbing one of the cardboard bowls and vomiting. I grab a second. It's bile but it's still coming up.
Grace comes in. They have clearly seen Ana go past. "Christian, what's happening?"
"The same again," I wipe my disgusting mouth on the back of my hand.
"She's losing blood?" Grace asks me, squeezing my elbow.
"Yes, so much. I don't know why she wouldn't just have a c section," I'm angry and upset and scared all in one. My voice is coming out shrill. I don't like it.
"Okay, okay, calm down," she says, holding my arm a little firmer. "She's with the best doctors, she's going to be fine," she's trying to reassure me. It is having no positive effect. I take a gasp of breath. "Let's get you sat down," she says guiding me to the chair. I grip the arms, my legs shaking uncontrollably.
"Christian, you have to see someone about this anxiety," my mom says gently as she sits beside me, placing a hand on my shaking knee.
"I don't have anxiety," I snap at her. "I'm just worried about the birth."
"Okay," she says gently and I know she's not buying into this. I'm frequently shaky like this, although rarely in front of my mother. Maybe she's been talking to Ana. She keeps talking to me about my anxiety.
I was never anxious before Ana. Always calm and collected and indifferent. Now I have Ana and a baby I'm always worrying. Always in a heightened state of alert. I worry about them all the time. Stupid things like Ana being in her office and getting attacked. Or Ted getting kidnapped from nursery. I try and stop my leg from shaking. I need to pull myself together.
My dad comes in and sits with us too, watching me. I wonder if he was an anxious father? I don't remember him ever presenting like this. I hold the arms of the chair a little tighter, taking a very deep breath. My mom is watching my knees go. I'm glad she can't feel my heart racing too.
I don't remember how long the c section took last time but I keep checking my watch. 10 minutes passes. 20 minutes passes. 30 minutes are gone. Mom keeps telling me everything will be okay. Everyone else is still in the waiting room, excited for the birth of our child. I won't feel excitement until I have her in my arms and Ana back beside me.
The second doctor comes in when Ana has been gone for around half an hour. He looks grim. My stomach turns over. I jump up at once. "What happened?"
"You have a little girl, Mr Grey," he says to me in a steady voice that tells me that is not all he has to say. "Mrs Grey is still under anaesthetic."
"Why?" I ask at once, ignoring the news I have a daughter. What is happening to my wife?
"She has lost a lot of blood. We're trying to stabilise her," he is clearly trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. He's probably needed at another birth. Fuck him. This one is important.
"But she'll be okay?" Please tell me she's going to be okay.
"The top surgeons are working on her now," he says, still calm. He probably delivers shit like this every day. This is my life that is happening now. I don't want calm. I want answers.
"What do you mean?" I ask desperately. I want to grab this man and shake him. Shake some fucking fear into him too.
"I mean she has lost a lot of blood. She is having transfusion but they need to stem the flow," he might as well be telling me the weather report.
"Well can I give blood? Will that help?" I ask desperately. I don't even know if we're a match. Would probably be worth finding out going forward.
"We have plenty of blood. At the moment, Mr Grey, she is losing it faster than we can transfuse it," he perhaps has a look of pity on his face. He's clearly been doing this job too long. He's too fucking calm.
"So when will you know? Can I see her?" I'm getting really angry now. I'm perhaps not conscious to it but I can tell from my parents' faces I am shouting at this man.
"We hope we will stabilise her very soon. You can see your daughter," he continues.
"What is very soon? I don't want to see my daughter, I want to see my fucking wife!" Okay, now I'm aware I'm yelling at him. My mom tries to touch my arm to soothe me. I jolt out of her touch like she has burnt me.
"Mr Grey, I don't appreciate your tone," he says, his voice still fucking monotone. He doesn't like my tone? Well it's not his wife that is rapidly losing blood. "I don't have a timescale for you. I will keep you up to date." He walks out of the room. The cunt actually walks out. Maybe I've found someone who won't tolerate my yelling.
I kick a chair over aggressively. "Motherfucker!" I shout as my dad hastily picks the chair up.
"Sit down, Christian," he says firmly as I pace, tugging at my hair.
"I don't want to sit down. How would you feel if this was mom?" I shout at him.
"Christian, I know you're angry. I'm on your side. That doctor was awful. But just try and sit," Carrick is gentle with me, like he was when I was a little kid and scared of everything.
"I'll go and see what I can find out," Grace says leaving the room. My dad looks at me. Mom does emotions with me. My dad is great at emotions with Elliott and Mia but since I was a teenager he doesn't have a clue what to do with mine. He is worried though. I can see it in every line of his face.
I pace and pace. My mom returns ten minutes later. "They're starting a second transfusion," she says quietly.
"What does that mean?" I shout at her now. Perhaps don't shoot the messenger is apt but I need to yell at someone. I'm sorry that it's my mom.
"It means the first transfusion didn't give her enough blood. Christian, sit down sweetheart," she says taking my arm as I shrug her off. My whole body is trembling. I can see my fingers shaking. My heart is racing like never before.
"I'm not fucking sitting down," I snatch my arm away from her, storming to the other end of the room and trying to steady my breathing. It doesn't take a doctor to work out I'm having a full blown panic attack and I know that is why both my mom and dad want me sat down.
"Please try and focus on your breathing," my mom says desperately, not following me across the room, giving me space.
"My breathing is fine," I gasp at her. It very clearly is not. I've had three of these episodes now. Once when I found out Ana was pregnant again and once when she refused a c section. The trembling and heart racing has been all the time for two years now. But this breathing thing is new. And it's a fucking nightmare. I feel like I might pass out.
I continue wringing my hands desperately until I realise my mom is right and I have to sit down. I slump against the wall, sitting on the floor and bringing my knees up.
"Just breathe in and out," my mom is gentle.
"Really? That's what you do?" I yell, using all the oxygen I have in me to get the words out. My brain is spinning, this is horrible. I need this to end. I try and focus. In. Out. In. Out. I think I almost have it in hand when the door opens again. I jump up.
"Mr Grey. Please sit down," the first doctor looks at me. Please let me just be in shit for abusing your colleague. Please. My mom knows. I know she knows because she practically puts me in the seat. My fingers are still trembling in my lap. I can't look at her.
"Mr Grey. I am so sorry," she begins and I scream. I know what is coming next. I'm screaming in pain. My mom tries to hold me. I don't even care anymore. "Mr Grey. Mrs Grey passed away around 10 minutes ago. We have tried to perform CPR continuously and restart her heart. We've not succeeded. I'm so sorry."
Neither of my parents say anything. I'm screaming and literally pulling my hair out now. My head is against my knees. My mom is still trying to hold me.
"Is it blood loss?" My mom asks the doctor over my screams.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. We just couldn't transfuse blood in fast enough," she is trying to speak quietly, like she thinks I might not hear her.
"How?" I scream at her eventually. I don't even think I mean to scream. "We're paying hundreds of thousands for this hospital. How can you lose a women in childbirth?" I'm screaming so loudly at her. I know that all the rest of my family and Ana's family will be able to hear in the waiting room.
"It is very rare Mr Grey but-"
"Annie is dead?" Ray bursts through the door. His face is white. He clearly knew something wasn't right. But he couldn't imagine it would be that wrong. "Why didn't you keep me up to date?" He screeches at the doctor as well.
"I'm afraid as Mr Grey is next of kin I-"
"I'm her father! Her father! When were you going to tell me?" Suddenly he rounds on me. My father isn't having it. He isn't going to let anyone speak to me like that in this situation.
"Ray, I know you're upset," Carrick says quickly. "But we need to step out," he says firmly. "This isn't easy for Christian either," my father practically drags Ana's father out of the room. Ray has always been nice to me. In the one moment he hasn't it's been at my worst. My dad wasn't standing for it.
"Can I see her?" I ask the doctor desperately, my voice hoarse from screams.
"In a few moments, we'll take you up," she says as she steps out. Carrick is trying to console Ray in the hall. Kate is screaming from the waiting room. I'm shaking, screaming and hugging my mom for dear life.
