I - The Bird I Saw That Day

"…Are you okay…?"

She was obviously not, the officer knew—he wasn't stupid. Why would anyone who's fine be sitting in an isolated corner, trembling as if crying? But as foolish as it was, that was the only thing he could think of saying at that moment to gain her attention.

It did work because as soon as he was done speaking, the blue-haired girl let out a surprised yelp and whipped her head around to face him; she had such a horrified expression that he almost regretted calling out to her.

"… I'm fine…" she answered after calming down somewhat; her voice was barely above a whisper, though her expression softened as she ran a hand across her eyes to clear off the traces of tears.

"I'm fine," she repeated afterward, which he took as more of a reassurance to herself rather than an answer for him; if it was, it didn't do much.

"…Now that I can see you more clearly, I think you're not. You have been crying," Kido said flatly, and the girl instinctively bowed her head to hide her face and avoid eye contact.

"I'm fine," she repeated the same line—with a hint of stubbornness he didn't expect from her—and went a step backward, seemingly ready to run. "Sorry…I…I will be on my way…"

He was not about to let her go while she was distressed like that, however.

"Wait, Helena-san. I know you don't know me…but…well…can we talk? I want to know more about you," he said, slapping himself mentally afterward as he realized how trite his words must've sounded. Despite that, it appeared to work as she stayed though she still refused to make eye contact.

"You know my name already…" she murmured. "You are…the one from the resistance…"

"Yeah, but I haven't introduced myself to you, eh? You weren't there when I introduced myself to the others. Lieutenant Commander Tomoya Kido. It's a plea—I'm honored to meet you, Helena-san."

Helena took a glimpse at the officer as he spoke. Though the introduction was formal, he was smiling, displaying a degree of playfulness and disregard for military bearing unseen in other officers she had met. Somehow, she found it warming, perhaps almost literally, as she felt heat rising up her cheeks.

Helena quickly dismissed the thought. There was never a need for him to be friendly whatsoever; she was fully aware of what she was and why she existed.

"It's USS Helena; you don't have to mind me…We are… I'm a we—"

"…I think just Helena is fine," he interrupted, still smiling, "fewer mouthfuls that way. Maybe we can even shorten it further…"

"But… I'm a…"

"…a girl," he cut her off and was delighted when she finally looked up, incredulous.

"…a girl…?"

"…You aren't…? Could have fooled me, really."

"…No… It's just…sorry," the flustered girl looked away and stayed that way until she heard Kido laughing softly.

"…Oh, don't be sorry. It's better than seeing you sad like before."

"…"

"No, really, I hate it when I see someone being sad, especially when I cannot do anything about it," Kido continued solemnly. "Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm all ears. After all, I'm an appointed liaison to your fleet. Now, if that's okay with you, sit with me for a while."

Helena watched as Kido made himself comfortable on a stack of crates across her. She was initially reluctant; that was their first meeting, and the thought of opening up in such circumstances did not sit well with her. But still, he waited for her with a smile—welcoming and sincere.

Sighing, she finally walked up to him and took a seat as well, though she kept a considerable distance.

Nevertheless, it pleased him all the same.

"…This war…will it ever end…?" she began; her voice was soft but still audible enough for him to hear.

"…Well, you see, my people believe that nothing is enduring. So I cannot say when, but it will."

"…"

"Are…you scared…?" he inquired cautiously, and once again, Helena began to quiver, which pretty much already told him the answer.

"I…I… It's…Sorry. I can't…"

"…Well then, if you are, let me just say that most of us feel the same, including me."

"…But…you don't…seem to be…"

"Oh, believe me, I do. But you see," Kido said as he looked up to the tall ceiling, "in Japan, there was a certain famous person who said 'Dai-ichi, dai-man, dai-kichi.' Do one person for everyone and everyone for one person, and everyone will be happy. Sort like 'One for all, all for one' from the Three Musketeers."

He looked back at Helena; just as he expected, she was confused.

"What that means is, if you are there for everyone—your friends, anyone you care about— and let them be there for you, you can do anything. That's what I'd always tell myself whenever I find myself wavering, and suddenly nothing is scary in this world. And the way I see it, you can do that too. You are not alone."

Helena closed her eyes instead of answering.

Perhaps he's right, she told herself. I'm never alone. I have my friends and my sisters.

When she opened her eyes again, Kido could see the determination amidst the unshed tears.

"I can do it," she said, as much reassurance to her as it was to him.

"I'm glad," Kido replied, breathing a sigh of relief, just as Helena rose from her seat and walked up to him.

"…Thank you, Lieutenant Commander," she offered. Meanwhile, Kido was happy, not because she thanked him, but because she finally smiled, even if only a little. It was captivating, so to speak—that he failed to respond right away, and when he realized it, he almost slapped himself right there.

Kido really hoped he wasn't staring and making her uncomfortable—because he was unsure whether he was or not. After a moment of awkward silence—which Helena apparently bore very patiently—he finally managed to speak.

"Um, yes, I'm happy to hear that…um, so…are you feeling better? At least for the time being?"

"Yes…I am."

"Great. Now, why don't you go back before everyone starts worrying, eh, Rena?" Kido suggested, only for her to look at him with an expression best described as a blend of confusion and disbelief.

"…Rena…?"

"Well, you see, it's easier to say on my tongue. Though if you mind, I will not do it again," Kido said, scratching his cheeks nervously as he surmised she wasn't too happy about it—purposefully omitting the fact that he just thought the name suited her, and he likes it. His concerns dissipated when he saw her smiling again, this time more earnestly.

"I don't mind," she said, "in fact, I might like it."

II - Daybreak's Light

There should be no way she could still be alive, not after that hail of gunfire that took advantage of her exposed position. Even as they retreated from the battlefield, the Sirens were determined to cause as much damage as possible.

She knew she should have died, yet, against all odds, she found herself still alive, as she could feel everything, sense everything.

She could feel the searing pain in many parts of her body, along with the feverish heat.

She could smell the sickly stench of blood mixed with antiseptics and a slew of other things she could not describe, all of them telling her that she'd been cared for.

"Helena…"

She could also hear—albeit faintly—the sound of her name being spoken.

Recognizing the voice, Helena turned to its owner, wincing because of how painful that simple move was.

Through eyes half-open, she could see him, the person who had just murmured her name in such a pained tone—one of the officers in Mikasa's resistance force, Commander Kido, standing before her. A toppled chair lay just nearby.

Before she knew it, he was already at her side.

"Commander…"

Her attempt to call him back was all but for naught, with her voice coming out weaker than even a whisper. Nevertheless, he looked overjoyed, even when he seemed to be on the verge of crying at the same time.

"Helena," he spoke her name again; his hand reached forward, but almost immediately, he withdrew it, using it to wipe his tears away instead.

"I…Haha. Sorry that I'm showing this conduct unbecoming of an officer. I… I'm just glad we found you," he managed to say after swallowing multiple times and seeing Helena frowning. "I'm glad I decided to look for you. I wanted to tell you everything, but…for now, just rest more, okay? I will tell you everything later."

Helena thought about it for a while. She was indeed curious but realized she was in no condition to object, so she gave him a slight nod. He responded with the same gesture before turning and walking away.

As she drifted back into unconsciousness, the last thing Helena saw was Kido looking back over his shoulder, returning the smile she tried her hardest to give.


Helena could still recall them clearly—the memories of watching all her allies leaving in a hurry after that battle while she held onto a piece of wreckage, too weak to call out to them—even if she could, she knew it would be in vain.

After that, she remembered nothing else.

"I think it's better that way," said the ship's medical officer, Lieutenant Ishihara, when she returned for examination and asked what she could remember. Helena wordlessly agreed to the statement as the Lieutenant proceeded to perform her routine, replacing bandages and administering a dose of morphine.

Thanks to the medication, Helena found it easier to move and look around, even though she was already familiar with the surroundings—the cramped medical bay of destroyer Asahi. The few remaining cots were vacant, and she felt oddly relieved.

"Thank you," turning back to the medic, Helena uttered her raspy gratitude in Japanese, using what little she knew about the language. She looked momentarily surprised but then laughed a little.

"You don't need to do that; I can speak English just fine."

Helena managed a weak smile at that. "I know," she began but paused to let out a cough. "It's just that…I thought you'd appreciate it."

Lieutenant Ishihara let out a more prolonged laugh in response, and Helena was unsure if she was incredulous or touched.

"No wonder the Commander went out of his way to get you back, even begging for Mikasa-dono to let this ship look for you," she said as she disposed of a pile of dressing soiled by blood and fluid from the metal basin. "But yes, I appreciate that."

"…The Commander did what…?"

"Well, I'm not in the position to tell you, so why don't you wait for him to come by? He should be here within minutes…"

As if on cue, the door opened, and Kido walked in. Lieutenant Ishihara immediately stood at attention and saluted, receiving one in return. When Kido noticed Helena was awake, he went over to her at a considerably more relaxed pace.

"Lieutenant Ishihara told me yesterday that, for now, your condition is stable," he said as soon as he reached the bedside.

"Yes, but remember she still needs extensive examination. I'm not a KANSEN expert, so it would be in her best interest that we reach an allied port as soon as possible," the Lieutenant interrupted.

"You have done all you can, and rest assured, we are going at full speed towards one, and—" a brief tug on his sleeve brought Kido's attention back to Helena. Lieutenant Ishihara smiled at that and excused herself, though Kido barely heard what she'd said and failed to respond.

"…Honolulu and my sister…and the others. Are they…alright?"

"…They have made it out safely, though with a few injuries here and there. Nothing major, I heard."

Her sigh of relief was muted but still audible enough for Kido to hear. She was clearly elated, and Kido gladly smiled along.

"Well then. Would you like something to eat? Or drink? You haven't eaten anything since we saved you, have you?" he offered, only for Helena to shake her head.

"Sorry, Commander. I… don't feel like eating right now," she declined, though not without some guilt. While it's true she probably would need some nourishment, the revolting scent of the room convinced her that whatever food she took would not last long in her stomach, and she'd rather not trouble anyone with cleaning.

"Oh, okay. Anything I can do for you, then?"

Helena looked away and stared into the barren ceiling; unlike the rest of the room, there was nothing there that gave her unease. There are many questions she would like to have an answer for, but as she pondered, one of them kept forcing itself to the forefront of her thoughts.

"Why…did you come back for me?"

Helena immediately regretted the question, feeling as if she was being ungrateful, but Kido showed no signs of being hurt by it. Or if he did, he did an excellent job at hiding it.

"Remember what we talked about some time ago? About how you always adore the sunrise…?"

"Y-you…remember that?"

"I remembered everything. You said the reason is that it gives you hope. I…could never forget that. So…I thought…Even though we were told to retreat…I wanted to bring you back so that you can see them again…"

Kido wasn't all that surprised when Helena broke into tears. After all, she had been looking like she was holding them back. Still, he loathed the sight. It made his heart clench and his chest ache so much that he had to turn away.

"Why? for someone like me? I'm a—" She managed between her fleeting, modest sobs.

"A real person. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. You are your own person and no less. Don't forget that," Kido replied with absolute finality.

The room went quiet after that; from the corner of his eyes, Kido could see Helena with her head lowered, still trembling. After much reluctance, his hand moved to hold hers, and the shaking gradually ceased. Unbeknown to him, however, now her heart was racing.

"Thank you…for saving me, Commander. I… I'm sorry it took me so long to say this."

"Hey, if anything, I'm glad because you are safe now, and…" Kido glanced outside the porthole just near the cot, "…you get to see this once more."

Following his gaze, Helena could see the daybreak's roseate hue as the sun rose in the far distance, bathing the waters with its light. It was a perfectly ordinary morning—just as she liked it.

III - The Dreams That You Dare to Dream

From one hospital bed to the other. At least this one was more comfortable.

The nurses were quick and efficient in cleaning and changing her bandages, but it took specialized technicians to stem the worst damage.

But it soon passed.

She had not seen Commander Kido since then. She wasn't alone by any stretch, but her only constant company was St. Louis—and as much as she treasured her sister's company, St. Louis herself was not in the best shape.

"Sis, please...you've got to rest," Helena croaked, the bed creaking as she shifted her weight. She ignored the pain shooting through her side so that she could see St. Louis and so that St. Louis could see how concerned she was.

Her sister didn't reply at all and continued to peel the apple, smiling. Her movements were deliberate but not by choice. She had bandages around her arms and forehead, some still with splotches of red seeping through.

The apple was small. St. Louis had sliced it into wedges and placed one on the table next to her.

"Eat up. Better than nothing, isn't it?"

"Mhm. Thank you, sis. But...what about you?"

St. Louis let out a strained giggle. "Don't worry about me. We got hurt all the time, and we come out stronger from it, you know ?"

"Still...please. Just sleep, and I'll eat it, and maybe..."

"Helena, did you know...they are sending you back home ?"

"Wha-"

"It was worse than we thought, and...you can't be on active duty for a long time."

Now, she could understand why St. Louis was adamant about staying. She might not show it all the time, but she knew her sister loved her dearly. To part like this, so abruptly...

"What...about you?"

"Me?" St. Louis blinked, placing the fruit and the knife back down on the plate. "This will heal in no time. I'll be fine."

Helena could feel something warm trailing down her cheeks. Her chest heaved, and she choked.

"...No...I can't...I don't want..."

She continued to shake even after St. Louis wrapped her arms around her as gently as she could. The odor of disinfectant and medicine filled her nostrils.

"Helena, we have our duties, and we have to do it. We can't just...stop. It'll be okay. I will be okay. I'm not called Lucky Lou for nothing. Besides, it's not goodbye, we'll...we'll meet again. You just focus on recovering, alright? When I see you again, I want to see you well, healthy, and ready for action again."

Helena could only sniffle and nod, the tears falling on her sister's shoulder. She was grateful she did not have to look at her face, but her heart still ached.

"I will write home, too, whenever I can."

Helena pulled away, her eyes wide and red. "Promise?"

St. Louis giggled. "Of course, silly. I promised, didn't I?"

As they leaned against each other's heads, a soft tune began on the radio.

"Hm? Isn't this the song you love so much?" St. Louis mused. "'Somewhere Over the Rainbow.'"

Judy Garland's voice filled the air, and Helena found herself humming along despite her sore throat. St. Louis joined in, stroking her hair all the while.

She'd always been drawn to a certain part, perhaps because it hit close to home.

"If happy little bluebirds fly

beyond the rainbow,

why, oh, why can't I?"

Will she ever fly beyond the rainbow? What will be there anyway?

The thoughts sometimes made her dizzy.

"One day, you will be happy," St. Louis whispered.

Helena had her doubts, but her sister had a knack for making things easier to believe.

"Someday..."


The next day, St. Louis was called up for deployment. That left Helena alone again, or so she thought.

"Miss Helena, you have a visitor."

She did not expect it, and when the door swung open, she was even more surprised to see Commander Kido standing there.

"Commander...Kido?"

Her heart was thumping. She couldn't explain why. Was it because it was the first time she met her savior again after a long time? He was safe, so maybe it was relief on her part.

No, not just relief. She was always quick on the uptake and knew herself better than anyone else.

His smile was ever sincere and gentle, and that was when she understood.

"Hey, Rena. Glad to see you."

He took a seat beside her, just like the day he pulled her up from the brink.

And if he was glad to see her, the feeling was mutual.

"Commander...thank you again. For saving me."

For a while, he seemed sheepish, and it was endearing.

"Ah...Well, you...are important. It was worth it."

The pulsing sensation was growing stronger.

"Worth it...?"

Somehow, she had a disquieting inkling that the rescue wasn't a simple affair.

"Yes. You're alive, and that's what matters. That's the most important thing. I don't care what happens to me. If I can save you, that's all that matters."

"Commander...can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"What did it cost you?"

His smile turned bittersweet, and the next thing she knew, he was holding her hand.

"...I don't know if you recognize our uniform...but this one's a little different, see?"

"..."

"I've...been demoted."

"Eh-!?"

"Just a little agreement with Mikasa-dono. I took the destroyer Asahi to save you, and...in turn, I was to fall one rank. I understand her reasoning. She needs to make an example out of me."

"...But you're the one who saved me. You saved my life, and that was more important. You did the right thing."

"It is the right thing, but also the wrong one. We're rebels. We couldn't just take a ship for something so...personal and risk losing it and the lives of her crew. Mikasa-dono was willing to listen but warned of no leniency despite the noble intentions. I agreed. "

"I..."

"Still, it doesn't matter. I have to make up for what I did. I didn't regret saving you, not one bit. Don't blame yourself, okay?"

Helena wondered if he had somehow read her mind because she did feel guilty. But he didn't want her to, so she held back her tears.

"...I understand."

"So...how are you feeling?"

He couldn't have known she would be sent back, and she did not know how to tell him. She felt awful, even more so.

"I'm...mostly fine. The pain sometimes comes back, but not too often. Um...Lieutenant Commander..."

Should she come clean now? Or should she wait?

"...Yeah?"

"I...don't know if you are aware, but I am being sent back to the States. My condition is apparently worse than expected, and they don't want to risk further injuries."

For a while, Kido didn't respond, and she feared she might have hurt him. But then he smiled again, even if it wasn't as pronounced as before.

"And that's good. That's really good. I mean, you need time to fully recover, and..."

She noticed his hands trembling, and that was uncharacteristic enough to be alarming.

"Commander...?"

"I will...I will miss you."

That was the most candid a Japanese officer could ever be.

The deeper meaning wasn't lost on her.

And it hurt more because she had realized the truth.

She was beginning to fall as well, and she would not have the chance to see it blossom.

"...I will miss you too..."

That was all she could give, apart from the hand to hold onto his.

"Thank you for showing me that sunrise. It was the best thing I've ever seen, and I won't ever forget it."

"...I wish I could show you another."

Dare she dream? If she did, would fate be kind?

The clock was ticking, time marching.

"I'll have to go soon, too. I wouldn't be able to see you off. So...I guess this is goodbye. I'm glad I had a chance to talk with you again. I hope that someday...if we meet again, it will be under better circumstances. Focus on your recovery, okay? Promise me?"

"...I will. Promise. But I won't forget about you, either. Thank you for everything. Goodbye...Kido-san."

No rank, no formalities.

Just him and her.

"Goodbye...Helena."

They could have said more. They could have spent more time together.

But past the door was his calling.

He let go at last. He stood up and gave one last bow.

"Take care."

"You too."

She could at least smile back. He deserved it.

The door closed, and the silence resumed.

She thought she would cry her eyes out, but instead, she just rested her head on the pillow.

Her body was sore, and her heart ached.

But the memories of being seen as a person—someone worthy of saving and not being cast away, someone who's more than just a weapon—would never fade.

Happiness was so far away, yet so near.

Maybe one day, she would truly find it. Maybe he would, too.

Maybe...they would, together.

St. Louis' words echoed.

One day, you will be happy.

She could dream. And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

She wanted to believe, at least.