Reminder: The thesis of this story is telling a child soldier to martyr himself, with all the themes that implies. Please take care of yourself.
P.S. Luna told me to tell you she's taken up residence with my muses, again.
Chapter 9 - Always
My stripey socks are gone. I put them to the left of the matches and I remember folding them into a bow.
Perhaps Wrackspurts are responsible. Maybe that is why I have a false memory of bowed stripey socks. Father says they are invisible creatures that distract the mind.
Best Bird Club was fun. Harry seems to have taught before.
His friends don't see him. Hedwig came to the second meeting on Woden's night. Hedwig sees everything.
Harry says that everyone calling the club different things all the time is a good thing. The muggleborns like calling the club Owl Studies, OS officially, though the Slytherins still call it B.C. and when Harry talks about it in Arithmancy he calls it BB for Best Bird. He also asked if our group could have a study night for Arithmancy.
I am happy to be included, happier still to spend time with my friend.
This is the best month of Hogwarts ever.
24th of September 1995
Luna Lovegood's Diary
oOo
Harry was pretty much panicked about his Occlumency class. He had been 'clearing his mind' before sleep each night and though he could sort of imagine he had mental shields he was not prepared for Snape to attack his mind.
As he trekked down to the dungeons he cursed himself for not going to Flitwick for help, old habits die hard. Apparently, not even the Killing Curse could kick the habit of not asking for help.
Harry took a deep breath before knocking on Snape's door.
Harry's only strategy was to throw memories of his childhood at Snape. If the bat wanted to have his memories he could have the Dursleys, the rest Snape would have to fight for. It was a flawed plan, but it was a plan, at least.
Snape answered the door, standing back to let him in. Harry flinched at the sight of the pensive. Not long ago, he would have jumped at the chance to look into Snape's mind.
But the memory of the man sobbing and holding his mother's dead body still made his gut clench. It was an odd feeling, sharing one of his greatest sorrows with one of his least liked people.
It hadn't seemed so bad when the man was dead, but Snape was easier to appreciate when he wasn't forced into his company.
Snape said the same spiel he had the last time before pointed his wand at Harry. His heart kicked into high gear and Harry couldn't stop himself raising his own wand in defense. As easily as he had disarmed Maximillion, Snape's wand shot across the room.
He wasn't ready for this.
"This is not a dueling class, Potter," Snape growled, but his onyx eyes were wide with surprise.
oOo
Snape had not expected the boy to be so fast. He had been hearing the stories that he could do nonverbal casting, but that was not the same thing as witnessing it for himself.
The boy's breathing was abnormally heavy.
Snape retrieved his wand. "Again, Potter. The Dark Lord can perform this spell without a wand."
oOo
Harry had barely regained control of his breathing, he braced for impact and he was suddenly back in the Forbidden Forest.
Red eyes, Green light.
White, white mist.
Albus was standing across from him in a misty King's Cross.
"'Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?'"
Pain.
More white mist.
Harry was very small, sitting on a familiar couch in the Potter House at Godric's Hollow, his parents were with him, smiling sadly. "Live, son, please live," James said, touching a gentle hand to Harry's cheek.
"We love you, we will always love you," Lily said, silver tears trailing down her pale face. "Live for us, be happy. We will always love you, always."
Pain.
Harry was back in Snape's office, only he was on the floor now and he was crying.
"Potter…" Snape started reaching out to him.
Harry crab-walked backwards until he hit the wall of cabinets. He curled in on himself.
Dying, death, life, living, pain, what was the difference?
He was going to throw up if he didn't get ahold of himself soon. Those were memories that he had not even known he had. Is that what had happened to him when he died the first time?
Had he died when he was a baby too?
He had forgotten how much it had hurt when he came back to life. The phantom pain in his scar made him want to claw at his face.
"Potter," Snape was at his side, kneeling on the floor and holding out a goblet. "Drink this."
Harry glared at the bastard, "I wasn't meant to remember that. I didn't want to remember that." Too close, what would have happened if he had tipped the other way? Would he be home with his parents now? Would it have been better for everyone if he had died back then?
He was going to be sick.
"Drink this," Snape persisted.
Harry snatched the cup and downed it before shoving it back at Snape. He half hoped it was poison.
Death cured all ills, didn't it?
Harry was suddenly angry, angry that he had lost control over himself in front of this man. Harry wiped viciously at the tear tracks under his eyes with the sleeve of his robe. He had to adjust his glasses as he had nearly knocked them of his own face.
The potion had begun to show its effects, Harry let his head fall back with a dull thump on the shelf behind him, his shoulders slumping. Calming Potion, which was a blessing and curse because, on the one hand, he wasn't throwing up, on the other hand, he could clearly think about the concept of dying.
Twice.
He had died twice, literally died twice.
He hadn't wanted to know that. He wasn't dealing well with the first, rather the second, death, it was impossible to think that he had said goodbye to his parents.
His parents who had told him to live.
oOo
Severus had no idea what to think about what he had just seen. The Dark Lord's red eyes, followed by green light. That's what had happened to the boy that night. Albus talking to him at King's Cross was odd, James Potter and Lily, beautiful, beautiful Lily talking to their small orphaned child was not.
It was tragic
Guilt was drowning Severus. Hating James's son had been so easy. They looked so alike, hating him was easy, simple. While facing the fact that it was Severus's fault that Lily was dead had tormented him for years.
But looking at her son, pale and sweaty on his office floor, Severus couldn't hide from the fact that this too was his fault. His fault a child had been struck by the Dark Lord's killing curse, his fault that Harry Potter, Lily Evan's only son, was an orphan.
He met the tempest in those emerald green eyes and would have given anything and everything to go back in time and take their place. Severus should have been the one to die for his own mistakes, not this family. He had hated James but nothing that man had ever done had earned him his fate.
Severus sat on the ground with James Potter's son, waited for Harry to regain himself after having to relive the experience of being murdered.
I will always love you.
Severus felt like the evil git that Harry had come to view him as.
Eventually, Harry stood. His wand fisted in his right hand, "May I go, Sir?"
Severus did not stand, his voice was low but absent of malice. "Yes, we can try again next week."
Harry took quick, jerky steps to the door but froze before opening it. He didn't turn to face Severus when he asked, "Are you going to tell Dumbledore? Are you going to tell him what you saw?"
"No," Severus said truthfully, "I swear to you, I will not tell Albus what I saw or heard." Or felt.
Harry turned then, "Guess I don't have a choice but to believe you. After all, the word of a triple agent is something I can take to the bank, isn't it?"
Potter left slamming the door behind him before Severus could dredge up a retort.
He remained on the floor, legs stretched out in front of him. He regretted everything, every decision he had ever made.
Yet his regret meant nothing, absolutely nothing. For no matter what he did or felt, she would remain dead. Hearing her voice in Harry's memory had destroyed him.
I will always love you.
Those words were not meant for him, had never been meant for him. A fresh wash of self-loathing came with the thought, with the wish that he would have preferred the mother to survive the killing curse rather than the son.
Severus really was an evil bastard.
oOo
Harry hid for the rest of the weekend, he skipped Quidditch practice and buried himself in books. He was careful to make sure he ate breakfast and dinner though, for everyone's eyes were on him, the students, the Headmaster, Snape, McGonagall, and Flitwick. Harry had no idea what Flitwick thought.
Sunday morning, Hedwig came to him with a letter, or rather a note from Flitwick that read simply, Ask for help. Harry gently refolded the note and pocketed it. Never looking up at the head table, he took Hedwig with him, set on finding a quiet place to read. Hedwig nestling on his shoulder.
oOo
Draco and Theo exchanged glances as Harry left the hall. As one they got up and went to the Gryffindor table.
"Granger, what's wrong with Potter?" Draco asked when they got there.
"Get stuffed," Ron said around a mouthful of food.
Draco gave him a disgusted look, "I have no desire to look like you, Weasley. Granger, answer my question."
Hermione shrugged, "How am I supposed to know? I'm not Harry."
Theo slammed a fist on the table, "He's your friend, little mouse, and far as we are aware nothing in the last week should have caused him to be hiding."
"Harry isn't hiding," Ron said.
Draco scoffed, "Yesterday, I saw him run away from a Hufflepuff, a Hufflepuff."
"Her name is Susan Bones, and her aunt is head-" Hermione started.
"Why is the Boy-Who-Lived running away from anyone? He looks like someone has died," Draco stressed.
"He skipped Quidditch practice," Ginny said.
"And when is the last time Potter missed a practice?" he asked.
Fred answered, "When he's unconscious from some sort of attack."
"Or when Harry's in Madame Pomfrey's care-" George said.
"Imprisonment," Fred coughed.
"And none of you lions know why Harry's upset now?" Theo asked incredulously.
"If you little snakey-poohs are so worried about him-" George cooed.
"-why don't you go talk to him?" Fred suggested with a snigger.
"Maybe we will," Draco declared.
A few of the Gryffindors chuckled.
"You think this is funny?" Theo asked.
"We think you're funny," Fred said grinning.
"So much for Gryffindor friendship being golden," Draco snapped.
Hermione shook her head, "It's funny because if Harry doesn't want to talk then he will not talk."
"The more you try to force him," George began.
"The more closed mouth he gets," Fred said.
"There are a lot of reasons why Hermione and Ron are Harry's only friends," Neville said, poking at his food. "One of them is because he doesn't let anyone else in."
"You know he really would have been a good fit in our house," Theo commented.
Ron snorted, "And what do you think you can do to make Harry talk that we haven't already tried."
Draco met the challenge in his second cousin's gaze, "I will do more than try."
oOo
As it happened Harry's hiding spots were good enough that the next time anyone saw him was in Snape's potions class Monday morning.
Harry had arrived early to class and had set up his cauldron in the closest station to Snape's desk.
Draco put his supplies next to him. "Mind if I partner with you today?"
Harry nodded, not pulling his gaze up from the potions book he was rereading.
"Potter, what's wrong with you?"
Harry didn't say a word.
Draco continued badgering him, but nothing he did got even the slightest rise.
The first hint he got for the reason Harry was moody happened when Snape entered the class and avoided his own desk, to avoid Harry unless absolutely necessary. In ignoring Harry, he subsequently ignored Draco too.
"This is weird," Draco said as watched his godfather loom over people on the opposite side of the room.
Harry chuckled, "Not used to be ignored?"
Draco whipped his head around to face the raven haired boy, "You talk?"
Harry grinned, "Will the miracles never cease?"
"Are you alright?" Draco asked.
"Fine," Harry said, focusing back on the potion.
"No, you're not."
"If you were going to answer your own question, why did you ask me?"
"You've been hiding. Why?"
"None of your business," Harry said evenly.
"Everyone's worried about you."
"Sweet of them."
"What happened? Was it something to do with Snape? You had detention with him, right?" Draco pressed.
Harry frowned at the blonde, "I'm alive, I'm fine. Why do you even care?"
"Because Slytherins take care of their own."
"Unless you're a Death Eater," Harry sniped.
Draco hissed, "Watch your mouth."
Harry's mouth twitched, "Don't challenge me to a hissing contest, Draco, we both know who would win that one. Or do you want to test it out and summon more serpents?"
"You have no idea what happened to our families after the war," Draco whispered.
"I know mine ended up dead, well, everyone I might have liked in my family anyway," Harry muttered.
"What is wrong with you?" Draco asked, exasperated.
"Do you want the long list or just the highlights?" Harry asked.
"I am trying to be nice, Potter."
"Then maybe you should, I don't know, use my name, it's Harry in case you're wondering."
Draco shook his head, "I don't understand you at all."
Shadows darkened Harry's eyes, "Honestly, I don't think I do either."
Draco and Harry's potion was the best in the class, Snape even gave five points to Gryffindor -after the fifteen he gave to Slytherin.
oOo
Harry was quiet in Arithmancy but the beaten dog look he'd been wearing all weekend was gone. He even apologized for 'avoiding' Susan.
Luna gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as they were packing up at the end of class.
oOo
Harry didn't know what to think anymore. Learning that he had died when he was a baby was strange. Remembering his father and mother in the afterlife was… He didn't have words for what that was. Harry's only memory of his parents was their screaming as they were murdered, other people's memories, Voldemort's ghost wand, and the Resurrection Stone. But the memory of his mother telling him she would always love him and his father telling him to live was both healing and soul-destroying.
Two questions had been haunting him. One, if he had died he would be with them, so was living really better? Two, if his father had wanted him to live why did the Resurrection Stone version of him encourage him to die?
The first he should probably talk with Flitwick and/or with Sirius.
The second? Harry was thinking he needed to get his hands on a copy of Beedle the Bard and maybe write a letter to Luna's father. Mr. Lovegood had known about the Hallows when he talked to him, what was for him, just a few months ago.
oOo
Umbridge was actually lecturing in their afternoon class that Monday and what she had to say had Harry holding a hand over his mouth.
Draco had sat next to him this class too, trying and failing to get Harry to talk about what was wrong.
Draco gave Harry an odd look as Harry made a near farting noise into his palm in an attempt not to laugh.
"Centaurs are barbaric, unintelligent-"
Harry lost it, laughing full out, as he remembered her threatening them in the Forbidden Forest, and them dragging her away.
The entire class was staring at him.
"And what is so funny, Mr. Potter?" Umbridge asked coldly.
"I dare you to repeat that to a centaur, I am sure they'll love it, and that you'll walk away on top," Harry grinned. The glorious image of her wailing crossing his mind's eye.
She glared at him, "Centaurs are dumb animals-"
"They aren't animals," Harry said over her racism. "They aren't even technically Magical Creatures, they just wanted to be left alone and out of Wizarding politics so they waved their inclusion as Magical Beings."
The class, all of whom, aside from Crabbe and Goyle were in his DADA students were gazing at him in fascinated horror.
"Detention," Umbridge said.
"For what?" Harry snarked.
"For talking without raising your hand and spreading lies."
Harry crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, "If you want to make a field trip to the forest we can prove who the liar in the room is. Me, who thinks you should treat Centaurs like foreign world leaders, especially when on their territory, or you, who thinks insulting them is going to play out well."
"Fifteen points from Gryffindor," Umbridge snapped, "And a full week of detention."
"I can't on Friday, prior plans and all," Harry said with a lazy grin. He was enjoying yanking her chain. It was a good distraction from the hell playing out in his mind.
He could practically see the steam rising from her pink hat.
"Quidditch is not an acceptable-"
"It's not Quidditch."
"Then you will be in my office every day this week, including Friday."
Harry sighed loudly, and then said in a slow, patronizing tone, "I am busy on Friday. I. Have. Prior. Commitments."
"What are you doing?" Draco asked under his breath.
Umbridge gritted her teeth, her pumps clicking on the stone floor as she stomped towards him, "What prior commitments?"
"None of your business," Harry teased.
"You cannot skip detention," she shrilled, voice rising.
Harry smiled, "I don't intend to."
"So you will be in my office Friday-"
"No," Harry said slowly, "I just told you, I can't on Friday." He glanced at his watch.
"Skipping detention can get you expelled," she told him.
"Yes, but I already have detention with Professor Snape Friday night, and he called dibs."
Umbridge blinked at him in surprise, mouth parted, whatever she was going to say clearly lost.
The bell rang and Harry was one of the first out of the room.
Draco and Daphne were hot on his heels.
"What was that?" Daphne snarled.
"Entertainment," Harry said, "You should be thanking me that was a full ten minute detour of a rubbish lecture."
"But your detentions?" Draco throw in.
Harry shrugged, "I already finished my homework for the week."
"What about OS?" Daphne pressed.
"We have the weekend or the mornings," Harry said. "Now if you'll excuse me I need to go explain myself to my Head of House before the Toad gets to her."
oOo
AN: Another update? Three days running ;D
Deadly Belladonna is now finished and Chapter 24 prologue will be up shortly. I know a lot of people don't review on final chapters of completed fics, it would a lot to me if you did :)
