"So, this is your life now. Think you can just live forever with your head buried in the sand," Jessica said as she brushed the hair out of his face.
"I love you, Jess, I miss you so much," Sam said as he turned away from her. The pain in his heart was intense. Images of her burning on the ceiling above his bed, just like his mother. Did that happen? Lucifer threatened to burn her, but he didn't. The memory of watching her die bombarded his mind. A memory of a life not lived, but yet…it seemed so real. The pain of missing her was real.
"You're wrong, people can change," he could almost see himself saying to a ghost. He felt strange, as if he was outside of himself. An out-of-body experience of a life that seemed so familiar to him.
"People can change. There is reason to hope," he said. Jessica ran her fingers through his hair, but Sam could see that she was changing.
"How can you be so sure?" Sam asked.
"Because you freed me." Her face was distorted, and then she was him, Lucifer… and Sam felt fear and hatred. Why did he fear Lucifer? Why did he hate him? Sam was so confused, but the feelings of fear and hatred remained.
He could see himself backing away from Lucifer.
"That's right. You know who I am."
"Lucifer," Sam whispered.
"You are a hard man to find, harder than most humans," Lucifer said as he sighed. "I don't suppose that you would tell me where you are."
Why was Lucifer looking for him? He was in his head, wasn't he? This dream, or whatever it was, wasn't making sense and yet it felt true to Sam.
"What do you want from me?" Sam asked.
"Thanks to you, I walk the Earth. I want to give you a gift. I want to give you everything,"
"I don't want anything from you," Sam spat out in anger.
Lucifer sighed again, "I'm sorry Sam, but Nick, here is an improvisation. He can barely contain me without spontaneously combusting."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're the one Sam. You're my vessel. My true vessel," Lucifer explained.
Sam felt sick to his stomach. "No," he gasped.
"Yes," Lucifer said as he nodded his head. "I will find you and when I do, you will let me in," Lucifer stated confidently,
"You need my consent?" Sam asked.
"Of course, I'm an Angel," Lucifer stated.
"I will kill myself before letting you in," Sam heard himself say.
"And I'll just bring you back. Sammy, my heart breaks for you. If there was some other way, but there isn't. I will never lie to you. I will never trick you, but you will say yes to me."
"You're wrong," Sam stated.
"I'm not. I know you better than you know yourself. It's been you and me for a very long time.
"Why me?" Sam asked as his voice broke.
"Because it had to be you. It always had to be you Sammy," Lucifer stated
"Sammy," Sam could hear Dean's voice, and then Lucifer was gone. He could feel his body shaking violently, his head hurt. He was all wet, and cold, ice cubes were on the ground next to him.
"Dean? What happened? Where am I? Why am
I wet?" Sam asked as he looked around. He was lying on the floor of the motel room.
"You had a seizure, Sammy. Your temperature was 107 degrees. I had to force it down by throwing ice water on you, or you would have been toast," Dean explained as he handed him a towel.
Sam wrapped the towel around himself as he sat up. Dean sat down by his side and wrapped his arms around him. "I almost took you to the hospital," Dean whispered.
"I'm glad that you didn't. This is just something that I have to go through alone" Sam said.
"But you're not alone, I'm here and I'm never going to leave you Sammy," Dean promised.
"Not even if I'm a monster," Sam whispered.
"You're not a monster," Dean stated.
"I'm going to change into something dry and then we can head back to Bobby's," Sam stated as he stood up.
"Are you sure that you are up for traveling?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, I just want to get out of here, and Bobby's is the closest thing that we have to a home," Sam stated.
"Okay, I'll start packing," Dean stated.
Sam grabbed his clothes out of his bag and headed to the bathroom to change.
XOXOXO
"Luci, are you here with me?" Sam thought.
"Always," came the response to his mind.
"Did you see that…it didn't feel like a dream, but I don't know how else to describe it…did you see it?" Sam asked.
"I did, we need to talk. Sleep now," Lucifer stated.
Sam leaned his head against the window and fell asleep.
He was standing on a beach, looking out at the Pacific Ocean.
"I always liked it here," Sam said.
"I know," Lucifer stated as he walked up beside him.
"If it didn't feel like a dream, what did it feel like to you?" Lucifer asked.
"A memory of something I haven't lived. Lots of things were different, which confused me, but it was familiar as well," Sam explained.
"What was different?" Lucifer asked.
"Jessica didn't die for one thing, plus I hated and feared you and that's not how I feel about you."
"How do you feel about me?"
"Don't you know? You're in my head…that was different too. You were looking for me, but since you are in my head, there wouldn't be any reason for you to find me," Sam rambled.
"Yes, I know, but just humor me. I know sometimes it helps you to think out loud," Lucifer prompted.
"I like you. I depend on you…we're friends," Sam stated.
"Yes, we are, which pleases me, but that wasn't always the case," Lucifer explained.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"How old do you think you are?" Lucifer asked.
"I'm 22," Sam stated.
"Your body is 22, that's true, but your soul…well, your soul is thousands of years old. Dean and you were one of the first people. You and I have been locked into this dance of ours for a very long, long time. The memory….it was a memory from a past life, a life where you sadly hated me," Lucifer explained.
"Dean and I were reincarnated over and over again…why?" Sam asked.
"I'm not sure, but I suspect…it's because we have a soul/grace connection that keeps you tied to me. The bond that we share, it's stronger than death, so you come back over and over and over again until we can get it right."
"That makes sense…and Dean?" Sam asked.
"You and Dean are soul mates. Where he goes, you follow, where you go, he follows and where the both of you go, Castiel follows. He's got his own bond with the two of you. His bond to Dean, well…it looks very similar to mine with you. I suspect that he and Dean complete one another the way that you and I complete one another. His bond to you…looks very different, and I'm not entirely sure what it is. It hasn't always existed, but it's grown over the last century or two and now, it's as strong as his bond with Dean. I wish that you weren't bonded to him, but you are," Lucifer explained.
"Have I ever had memories from a past life before?" Sam asked.
"No, I think that you're starting to remember your past memories because you are becoming an Angel," Lucifer explained.
"Can I ask you something?" Sam asked.
"You can ask me anything."
"Why did I hate you?" Sam asked.
"I made many mistakes in that lifetime. Things that I regret deeply. Actions that I fear, I'll never be able to make amends for. Trust me when I say that I earned your hatred. I hope that if you remember the unforgivable actions of our past that you will find a way to forgive me," Lucifer stated as he took Sam's hand in his.
