Chapter 64
Why?
Over the next few days, Lily, Ginny, Fred, George, and Ron spoke to one another about what they had heard in St. Mungo's. When Hermione, Lavender, Parvati, and Padma had arrived, along with Fleur, they had immediately shared with them what they had heard.
"What could zis weapon be?" Fleur asked, as she was cuddling up with Hermione.
"I don't know, but right now, I'm more concerned about how much danger Lily and Ginny are in," Lavender said. "How are we supposed to go up against You-Know-Who if he's on the warpath?"
"Wouldn't be the first time," Lily replied. "We know he can't possess us, and he's clearly tried, so killing us is going to be his goal."
"Right, so learning new spells and defences is going to be important. Maybe we should look at what we did in the room of requirement in our first session this term," Ginny suggested.
"What did you do?" Fleur asked, tilting her head slightly.
"They were training with one another, and floated for a few seconds," Hermione explained. "I'd never seen anything like it before."
"That seems to be normal with ze two of them," Fleur said, with a teasing smile.
"You're not wrong," Lily agreed, sighing. "I just… I wish we could control it better. Hell, I also wish I could do what I did when I was six."
"You mean when your body changed when looking in the mirror?" Ginny asked, remembering the story. Lily nodded. "We could ask Tonks about it; maybe you're a metamorphmagus and your abilities are coming out now."
"Zat is likely, and also a useful skill," Fleur commented.
"You'd be able to hide without needing your cloak," Parvati said.
"That wouldn't be a bad thing," Lily agreed. "It'd help in a pinch."
"Alright, so we'll speak to Tonks later," Hermione said. "In the meantime, we'll need to spend each day training. There's a Duelling Room in the basement which we can use. After Sirius found Kreacher, he had him tidy it up."
"What's going on with Kreacher? Since Sirius found him in the attic, he's been… well, more helpful than before," Ron commented. "I don't trust him."
"I want to say that maybe there's nothing wrong, but the way things are going, maybe extra paranoia isn't a bad thing," Padma said.
"So how do we find out?" George questioned.
"We could trail him," Fred added. Lily frowned for a moment.
"Maybe Dobby could help, or we could ask Sirius to tell Kreacher to tell us what he's been doing," Lily suggested.
"Good plans, and we'll need to do something today, before we go home," Parvati said. She and Padma were only visiting for the day, after all, since it was Christmas, and their family wanted both girls home.
"Alright, let's speak to Sirius then," Lily said, standing up and calling out for him and Remus. A few moments later, both men joined the group in the room that had become the headquarters for the Order of the Dragon.
"Is this personal or professional?" Sirius teased.
"Professional," Lily replied, her face betraying no emotion. Sirius's grin faded as he and Remus took a seat.
"Alright, what can we do for you?" Remus asked.
"Uncle Sirius, we need you to call Kreacher. Right now, he's being more helpful, and we need to know exactly what he's been doing," Lily said. "I know we're starting to sound like Moody, but maybe he has a point, especially with… with some of what we know."
Lily was hesitant to tell Sirius what they had heard, but she didn't want to lie to him, not about this. She was already keeping her punishments with Umbridge a secret; this couldn't be another. She took a deep breath and explained what they had done.
Sirius looked at her, and it was clear he was struggling with his thoughts and feelings on the matter. "Lily… I… you…" he said. It was Remus who helped, taking Sirius's hand.
"Sirius and I are both worried about you, Lily. You're taking far too many risks, especially given you're only fifteen years old. Ever since Voldemort's return, you've been determined to prove yourself, and it's scaring us both," Remus said. "I understand why, we both do, but you need to stop doing things that are so dangerous. When you formed the Order of the Dragon, you agreed that you wouldn't do anything without running it by us, but all of this, trying to see what Voldemort is planning, listening in to conversations… there has to be a limit, Lily."
"Remus is right. We love you Lily, but this… no, this is going beyond what you agreed to," Sirius added weakly.
"No one wants to tell me anything, and its me that Voldemort is after, me and Ginny," Lily replied. "I don't want to defy you, either of you. I love both of you, but I can't sit around and do nothing. I'm not a young child anymore, and I need to do this."
"Why?" Sirius asked, looking at her. "Why do you need to do this?"
It was a question that Lily hadn't actually given much thought to and hearing the question from Sirius… it was like she'd be struck by the Knight Bus.
"I…" Lily began but froze. Remus reached out and took her hand.
"You don't know, do you? You're doing this because you think you have to, because everyone always says how you're the one who will bring him down. You've fought him, and survived, several times, and no one has ever done that. People are going to whisper and say how you're the only one who can bring him down," Remus's voice was calming, and comforting as well.
"The question you need to ask yourself is why are you doing any of this?" Sirius said, looking at her. "Why do you need to fight Voldemort? Why do any of you?"
"Other than helping to stop the most dangerous dark wizard of all time?" Ron asked, although his voice betrayed his uncertainty.
"You have a great deal of dedication to one another, and it's one of the most inspiring things I've ever seen. I'm truly proud to see the love, care, and devotion that you all share. But if you're doing this because you feel like you must, then you'll lose, because that isn't a belief, it's you following what everyone else says," Sirius told them.
"You need to look deep within yourself and ask why you're doing this. It's not an answer you'll find right away; it's something that many of us ask all of our lives. You can't do something merely because others expect you to do it. You need to believe in it, and choose to do it, for your own reasons, and we can't help you until you do," Remus added. Lily looked at them, speechless, and then saw the same look on everyone's face. She knew Remus and Sirius were right; why was she doing this? What was driving her? Any of them? She had a lot to think about, and in that moment, she felt lost, confused… and a little scared.
Lily sat alone on the roof of Grimmauld Place, on a balcony, with the moon shining down upon her as she looked up at the stars. She was sitting on an armchair, reclining as she did. The balcony was covered with magic, so no one could look in, but she could look out.
The stars looked beautiful to Lily and looking up at them had been one of her favourite things to do when she was younger. She hadn't done this for a while, especially with everything that had been happening.
When had been the last time? It had been before the Triwizard tournament, that was for certain. It might have been before her third year. Had it really been that long?
Just feeling the cool breeze on her skin of the night wind was a pleasant feeling as well; it was like nothing mattered in that moment. She closed her eyes as she thought of what Sirius and Remus had said to her.
"Why am I doing this?" she asked softly to herself, feeling a tear rolling down her cheek, realising that her uncles had been right. She had been so caught up in wanting to do something that she hadn't ever thought of why she wanted, or needed, to do this. Was it because Voldemort had killed her parents? Revenge was dangerous, and what she and Ginny had done proved that. Ginny had been trying out of revenge, and yes, Arthur Weasley was alive because of it, but what if things had gone badly?
She had helped Ginny… because Ginny had asked her. She loved Ginny, of course, but because she had been asked to help wasn't a reason. Protecting people? Maybe, but she hadn't thought of others before, she'd just done what she needed to do.
The question was going to eat away at her, Lily knew it. She needed to know her reason, but it wasn't going to be a simple one to find. She thought back on everything that had happened so far.
The troll in the girl's bathroom when Hermione had been in danger. Had she led the way, or had that been Ron? Going to stop Quirrell. That… no, they had made that decision together. Even going after Ginny when she was in the Chamber of Secrets had been a joint decision.
Everything she had done, she now realised hadn't been a choice she'd made alone. She had never made a choice to face the danger alone. She'd gone along for the ride, or to make sure her friends were safe. The whole realisation of this struck her again, harder than the first time.
Just laying there… why hadn't she made the choice alone? What would she choose? Would she choose the safe path, or the dangerous path? What if she had never met Ron and Hermione? What if she'd been left with her muggle relatives? What if?
"What if?" Lily asked softly, those two words running through her mind.
"What if?" a soft voice asked. Lily opened her eyes, and saw Ginny standing next to her, looking down at her with concern. "I'm sorry to disturb you, I just… I felt like I needed to be here."
"Why?" Lily asked softly. "Not asking in a bad way, just…"
"Because of what Sirius and Remus asked?" Ginny asked, sitting on Lily's lap and snuggling up to her. Lily nodded, and kissed Ginny's forehead.
"The more I think about it, the more I realise… I've never made any choice because it was mine alone. I always followed the others or went to protect someone. I've never made any important choice," Lily said, tears starting to well up. "I never even chose to come out; Ron and Hermione tried to play a prank. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did come out, but…"
"But you didn't get the choice," Ginny said in understanding. "I've been feeling the same thing about so much. Even I was the one who pushed us together. I asked you to go to the dance with me, and then I told you I wanted to be more than friends."
"And I'd never change any of that," Lily replied, looking into Ginny's eyes. "I love being with you, and all that we do together."
"So do I, but the more I thought of it, the more I knew Sirius was right. Everyone is thinking about this as well. Hermione, Fleur, Ron, Lavender, even Fred and George," Ginny explained. "Where did the What If come from?
"I was asking myself, what if I'd never met Ron and Hermione? What if I'd been raised by my muggle aunt?" Lily said softly. Ginny held onto Lily.
"We'd still be together, I know that," Ginny said. "I think that when I came out as a Lesbian, it was because you were transitioning to a girl. Maybe I am a lesbian, or maybe it's just that I'm in love with you."
"It doesn't matter," Lily said. "Love is love. It doesn't need a label or a definition; it's just love, and that's what matters."
"Like Fleur and Hermione?" Ginny asked. Lily nodded, a small smile on her face.
"Like Fleur and Hermione," she confirmed. "I see the happiness in their eyes all the time. I was so scared in the graveyard, when I thought Pettigrew had killed Fleur."
"Fleur was scared that you were in trouble, and she still hates herself for not staying. She didn't mean to leave, she leapt out of the way and landed on the cup," Ginny said. "I spoke to her about it. She hasn't said anything, but she still blames herself for all of this happening."
"That's ridiculous. How can she blame herself? She couldn't have…" Lily started but stopped as she saw the small smile on Ginny's face. "You're about to tell me the same thing, aren't you?"
"I have been, ever since that night. Nice to see it's finally sinking in," Ginny replied, with a smirk. Her smirk faded quickly, however, as she bit her lower lip. "Lily, I don't want to make light of all of this, but you know that you can't blame yourself, and I think you just realised that."
"Maybe," Lily conceded. "I've spent so long hating myself for not fighting harder, but… I was fourteen. Hell, I'm only fifteen now. I should be focused on quidditch, on you, on schoolwork… not on fighting a war."
"And yet there's a part of you that wants to keep fighting because it's all you've known ever since you started at Hogwarts, and because Voldemort wants to kill us both," Ginny continued Lily's thoughts for her.
"Exactly. What do I do? How do I make these choices, and how do I know that they're my choices?" Lily asked.
"I don't think we'll find the answers here, not yet," Ginny said. "But we'll find them together, the way we'll always be."
Lily smiled at Ginny and pressed her lips to her girlfriend's, smiling softly as she did. Every kiss with Ginny felt like the first one, new and special. She loved every moment, every kiss, every touch of Ginny's soft face or gentle hair. She felt safe with Ginny.
"I know one thing; you will always be my choice," Lily promised. Ginny smiled at Lily, and as the two of them snuggled up together, Lily looked up at the stars, thankful that despite a world and life of chaos, she had one thing that could always bring her comfort: Love.
