Chapter 67

Going through Changes

Note from J.M. Jackson: One day I'll get to publishing chapter updates on time. As you might know from the last update, I've been struggling following the loss of my beautiful cat, Patch. I still feel her loss daily, but I've only recently been able to stop breaking down in tears every day.

On a positive note, I have a second appointment with the Gender Clinic, which I am excited for, and with luck, I should be on HRT before the end of this year, so I have so much to look forward to.

Lily sat in her room at Grimmauld Place, cross legged, as she looked at Tonks, who was sitting in front of her. "This isn't going to be easy, Lily," Tonks told her. "For me, it was natural, but somehow, you've not unlocked your abilities yet, so we'll have to try and try again, until we figure this out."

"So how could I do this when I was six, but not now?" Lily asked.

"I honestly don't know. It could be because you didn't know about the abilities, and having been in the dark about your magic, it could have caused complications, it could be because of your transition being the thing to open it, or something else. I've been trying to find out, but I don't have any idea so far," Tonks explained.

"I appreciate you being willing to help me with this," Lily said. Tonks chuckled.

"Don't be silly Lily, of course I'm gonna help. At least this is something I'm good at. You should have seen me at Hogwarts, I was always so clumsy, and I struggled a little in some aspects. Charms was never my strong suit, and your Aunt was always giving me a hard time since I forgot to hand in my homework so often," Tonks told her, laughing.

"Yeah, I've always been too scared to forget my transfiguration homework," Lily laughed with Tonks.

"Now, I know Ginny being near you can help you, magically speaking, but I wanted this to be just us since Ginny might not always be with you at any given time, and it's best to learn without having a magical boost," Tonks explained.

"Ginny guessed that was why you asked her not to be here," Lily admitted. Tonks smiled at Lily.

"You two are so close, and so strong together. It actually makes me a little jealous, although I have been… well, maybe I shouldn't," Tonks said.

"No, go on," Lily urged her.

"I've been seeing Charlie Weasley," Tonks admitted. "But please, don't tell anyone. We don't want to jinx things."

"I won't, and that's wonderful. I like Charlie, he's always been so kind to me," Lily said.

"Well, every Weasley child, except Ginny, sees you as a Sister, with Molly and Arthur seeing you as a surrogate daughter," Tonks revealed.

"And I see them as family too," Lily said. "Ginny… I still find it amazing that she would want me."

"Enough of that! You need to be more confident about yourself, especially now when we're trying to get you to change your appearance with your abilities. I do have to warn you, this won't be a quick fix for your transition," Tonks said.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"There are certain things that can interfere with the ability to change. For example, your emotional state can prevent you from changing form, so you need to be able to remain as calm as possible. That also determines how long you can change for," Tonks explained.

"How long? So I can't change form and remain that way forever?" Lily asked. Tonks looked at her sadly.

"I'm sorry, but no. There's a witch, Katherine, who went to Hogwarts with my mum, and she's a writer, currently working on a book series called Animorphs. She's a Metamorphmagus as well, so she's created an alien species based on that. I dunno why she didn't go with a magical world, but oh well. They're going to be children's books, but they sound good. In them, she shows the people being able to change for no longer than an hour, otherwise they lose the ability to change back, and to change their form again," Tonks said.

"I can only change for an hour at a time?" Lily asked, frowning. "And if I don't change back, I can't change form ever again?"

"That part is made up for the book, I'm afraid. I know you'd be happy to change once and then be done, but after a certain amount of time, you'll change back automatically. I could only hold it for ten minutes at a time before, but now I can change for five hours at any one time. Once I change back, I can change again, but it can be tiring," Tonks told her.

"What if you change form every five hours for, a day or two?" Lily asked.

"If I do it more than three times in a row without having at least five hours rest, I'll pass out," Tonks replied, which disappointed Lily a little. "But hey, you can always change three times, and then sleep for the rest of the time."

"Maybe, but that's only a temporary change anyway, it wouldn't feel like anything more than a disguise," Lily said glumly.

"Cheer up Lily, we'll find a way to get you to transition fully, I know Madam Pomfrey is looking into it, and so's Dumbledore, as well as your uncles. Together, they'll find a way to make it happen," Tonks promised. That brightened Lily's mood a little.

"Now, what you need to do, is to clear your mind of all distractions, so I want you to close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths, in through the nose, and out through the mouth. This is also something you can use to help with your depression," Tonks told her.

Lily nodded, closing her eyes and taking a slow breath, trying to clear her thoughts. The problem was that in that moment, she had so many things racing through her mind. Everything Sirius had told her, what she'd overheard about herself, and what Voldemort was looking for, even the feelings that had run through her when she had seen through the snake's eyes. Had she possessed the snake? Had she just connected to her eyes?

She tried hard to focus, barely hearing Tonks' next instructions.

"Lily, listen carefully, you need to think about how you look, and then select a part of your body that you want to change. Start with your hair, focus on it, and block out everything else," Tonks told her.

She tried, really hard, to focus and to put everything else from her mind, but every time she thought she was able to push one of her worries from her mind, another entered. She growled angrily as she opened her eyes.

"How can I clear my mind when I've got so much to think about?" Lily asked, frustrated.

"That's the trick, isn't it?" Tonks asked. "One of the biggest problems anyone has is being able to control their own thoughts."

"Do you have to clear your thoughts every time you change part of yourself?" Lily asked.

"No, but the difference is that I've been able to do this since I was a child, so I have a greater grasp on it. Right now, you're at a massive disadvantage because you've had your abilities supressed for whatever reason," Tonks replied.

"What could do that though?" Lily frowned as she asked her question, hoping to find some sort of answer.

"Honestly? I don't know. Usually, it'd have to be some kind of dark magic, but I don't think that's the reason here, unless you've been cursed without anyone knowing, and that's not likely," Tonks commented.

Lily frowned; it was possible, and it was likely. She realised what the reason was, and it made sense to her. She cast her mind back to when she was in the office with Dumbledore, after she had come out of the Chamber of Secrets, and Lily (Still going by Harry then) had been asked for a few minutes of her time by Dumbledore.


Dumbledore looked at Harry and smiled at him. "I can imagine you have a lot of questions about this year," Dumbledore said.

"A few, yes sir," Harry replied, nodding. "How… how was I able to hear the Basilisk? I mean, I know I can speak Parseltongue, but how is that possible? From what I found out, and from what Hermione also found out, that's a dark power handed down in a family, and none of my family can speak Parseltongue."

"No, you're absolutely right, they can't," Dumbledore agreed. "I can only give you a guess, but I believe I am right when I say this. I believe that you can speak Parseltongue because Lord Voldemort can speak Parseltongue."

"I don't understand, sir," Harry replied, frowning in confusion.

"That terrible night at Godric's Hollow, when your parents were murdered, Lord Voldemort attempted to kill you, but the spell did not work, and it left you with your scar. It is my belief, however, that you were left with more than a scar. I believe, and whilst this is a guess, I have every reason to accept it as truth, that Lord Voldemort shared, unwillingly and unknowingly, some of his powers. Nothing that would concern me that you are vulnerable to the darkness within, but you have some of his gifts, including Parseltongue," Dumbledore explained.

"Wait, what? Voldemort…put some of his powers…into me?" Harry asked, his eyes widening as he began to feel his heart racing, trying to catch his breath.

"Harry, please, take slow, deep breaths. This is not a cause for concern," Dumbledore said, his voice providing some comfort to Harry. "Please, trust me, and focus on my voice."

Harry nodded, closing his eyes, taking slow breaths as he listened to Dumbledore's instructions, guiding him to breath in through his nose and out through his mouth.

As Harry managed to slow his breathing and stopped feeling dizzy, Dumbledore guided him to a chair.

"Harry, whilst it is true that you share many attributes with Lord Voldemort, including determination, your strength, and a certain… disregard for the rules, there is something about you that makes you better than him," Dumbledore said. "Think back to your sorting."

"When the Sorting Hat wanted to put me into Slytherin. Maybe it should have done," Harry said.

"It certainly wanted to, but why didn't it?" Dumbledore asked.

"Because I kept muttering 'Not Slytherin' as I sat in the chair," Harry replied. Dumbledore smiled broadly at him.

"Absolutely correct. You chose not to go to Slytherin, and that made all the difference. It is our choices, Harry, that determine who we are in life," Dumbledore said. "I know there are so many difficult choices in life, and you've faced so many challenges already. Every time you have faced a challenge, Harry, you have chosen the correct path, even if it is the hardest path, and for that, I am so proud of you."

Harry blushed as he looked at Dumbledore. There was so much he wanted to talk to the headmaster about, and to Sirius about, but he felt tired still. That was evident on Harry's face as Dumbledore waved his wand, with the door to his office opening, showing Dobby and Sirius wating for him.

"The hospital wing, I think. Madam Pomfrey should check you out for anything after the events of tonight, and then plenty of rest. You need not go to classes tomorrow, Harry, and just rest, and spend time with your Uncle," Dumbledore said.

"Yes sir," Harry agreed, as Sirius began to lead him from the office. Harry wanted to tell the truth about who he felt he was meant to be, but he knew that the right time would come soon enough.


Lily looked at Tonks and sighed. "I think I need some rest for tonight," Lily said. Tonks nodded in agreement.

"Your first task, Lily, is to spend some time trying to meditate and to clear your mind. When you're ready, start by focusing on changing your hair, and we can go from there," Tonks said, handing Lily a book. "This is a book I read when I was younger, it helped me a lot," Tonks explained as Lily saw the title, 'A beginners guide to Metamorphosis' and smiled.

"Thank you, Tonks. I really appreciate this," Lily said.

"Anytime Lily," Tonks smiled as she got up. "I believe in you Lily."

"I wish I did, but thank you," Lily said. Tonks looked at her.

"Start believing," Tonks told her, before leaving. It wasn't more than a few seconds later before Ginny returned.

"How did you do?" Ginny asked.

"Lousy, and I think I know why," Lily replied glumly. She explained what Tonks had said about dark magic being able to supress the ability.

"So, you think that because Voldemort left a part of himself in you, power wise anyway, that's why your ability was supressed, and why you're struggling now?" Ginny asked. Lily nodded.

"When I was six, Voldemort was still weak, and I didn't know about my magic. Now, he's back, and since eleven, he's been around in one form or another, which is why I can't do it now," Lily explained.

"I think you're not giving yourself enough credit," Ginny said. "Look at everything you've done so far, and everything you'll be doing. I think you can, but we'll figure this out together," Ginny promised.

"I love you, Ginny," Lily said softly, pulling Ginny into her arms, fighting the urge to break down in tears. Ginny, however, seemed to know what Lily was feeling, and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, stroking her back.

"I love you too, Lily. It's okay, we'll get through all this together," Ginny whispered softly. Lily wished she could believe it, but in that moment, all she felt was despair, although she did feel thankful that Ginny was with her, never wanting to be apart from her.