Chapter 42

A cool shiver washed over Emma's body, knowing her previous thought had been unfair as Wynne had been nothing but a friend since she'd arrived in Thedas. Aedan's deep blue eyes seemed to drill into the depths of Emma's soul, seeing every cruel and unnecessary thought, seeing the ice spreading through her veins, slowly but surely encasing her heart. Would she stop loving Aedan? Another shiver racked her body, painful and more intense than the previous one. She caught herself reaching for that empty spot inside where she'd muted all emotional pain. It was easier to live when she hid in that desolate place, to pretend everything was fine, to smile even if it was fake. It was just easier all around.

"Don't, Emma. Don't withdraw from me."
Her head snapped up, shocked that he'd noticed. "I'm n-"
"Please don't finish that sentence, Angel. You've never lied to me before, and I would hate for you to start now."
She flushed as she tried to defend herself. "Sorry. It's just that everyone keeps asking me if I'm all right so that it's become an automatic response."
"They're worried about you, Emma."
"Why is everyone making such a big deal of this? Yes, I look a bit rough. I've been worried sick about you, so excuse the hell out of me for not keeping up appearances!" Her voice had risen with each word, and anger glinted in her eyes.
Aedan closed the space between them with long strides, leaned in and spoke quietly. "Enough. You know that's not what I meant, and you know that's not what's worrying the others."
Loud, irate words would have incensed her further and given her something to fight against, but Aedan's soft tone swiftly cut into her rage, taking the wind from her sails in the blink of an eye. The angry red stain on her cheeks turned to one of shame, and she looked away, unable to meet his eyes.

He took her hand, entwining their fingers together. "Come on, let's go for a walk."
After a few minutes of silence, Emma asked, "How did you know I was..." She paused, struggling for words, knowing that she'd just confirmed the existence of a problem. Aedan squeezed her hand gently encouraging her to continue.
She pulled in a deep breath and blurted out the question. "How did you know I was withdrawing?"
"You get a distant look in your eyes. I've noticed it once or twice this evening. Not with me, but when others have mentioned the Temple and the Gauntlet, or just asked if you're okay. You pull away, not physically, but mentally. It's as though only a part of you remains."

They'd reached a small field, and he tugged her over to a fallen tree, shrugging the backpack off his shoulder as he walked. He pulled out a thick blanket and spread it over the trunk, seated her and himself, then laid another blanket over their legs to keep out the chill. "When did you get the bag?" she asked as she stroked the soft woollen throw.
"While you were talking to Wynne. I already planned on talking with you tonight, so I packed it while you were sleeping."
At the mention of a chat, her heartbeat raced and the all-too-familiar fear shot through her body, tightening her muscles and causing her breath to shorten. His hand covered hers and pulled it onto his lap, where he stroked the skin in a soothing rhythm.
"I can't think of what happened there - back at the Temple; when I do, I get angry, and... and it hurts." Her free hand plucked at a loose strand she'd found on the blanket, unable to look at him as she admitted to the bouts of rage she'd endured since that damn Guardian stuck his nose in where it wasn't wanted. Fury bubbled in her veins and she abruptly stood up, needing to get away from Aedan and the comfort he offered. She didn't want to be comforted; it just made everything more bloody painful. The anger eased the hurt and gave her something to tear at without worrying that she'd injure someone.

However, Aedan didn't back down; he stood beside her, grabbing her hand again and holding it tightly. "Don't, Aedan. I might hurt you considering the mood I'm in." He pulled her fully against him, his arms circling her waist. "Then you're going to have to let go of the anger, Emma because I'm not letting go of you." She could do it; she could make him let go of her, just set him on fire and... her thoughts screeched to a halt and her stomach heaved with horror. She pushed away from Aedan just in time; her knees hit the cold grass and she distantly registered the crisp crunch of frost as she fell and emptied the contents of her stomach, her eyes watering with each painful spasm.

She sat back on her heels and wiped a shaking hand across her wet mouth, finally admitting to herself that she needed help. Aedan, who had been holding her hair back, now reached down and scooped her into his arms, then carried her back to the fallen tree. He put her down on the thick trunk, reached into his bag and pulled out a canteen of water. Emma gratefully rinsed her mouth, spitting out the bitter taste. She handed it back to him and he replaced it with a small silver flask. She raised a questioning brow. "Just take a sip. It will help clear the rest of the taste from your mouth, and keep you warm."

She unscrewed the lid and took a cautious sniff at the opening. The aroma of whiskey teased her nose and she took a small mouthful, thankful for the strong flavour that seared the inside of her mouth. "Tell me about your parents; what were their names, what did they do for a living? Just start small, Angel." She felt some of the tension drain away, realising he didn't intend to dig into her darkest wound, at least not yet. She took a moment, letting her mind slip back to her early years, and she started talking.
"My mum was called Katherine, but my dad used to call her Kat. Which confused me as I used to think he was talking to the cat. My mum explained that it was an abbreviation of her name; I think that was the first time I heard her use it. My dad was called Alex; he was a big guy - tall and wide." Emma chuckled as a thought occurred to her. "Or perhaps I just remember him that way because I was so small back then."
"That's true; my mum used to make these cookies, and they seemed huge in my hands. Then when I grew up, I asked her why she now made smaller cookies; she told me they were exactly the same size. It's strange how our perspective changes as we grow up."
Emma leaned against his shoulder, enjoying the companionable talk and forgetting for the moment why they were there. "My dad used to carry this big toolbox when he left for work; I think he did construction work. My mum used to stay at home, but there were times when she'd give me a book to read while she worked on the computer." As soon as the word left her mouth, she realised what she'd just said and her body drew taut.
Emma ran a hand over her face, berating herself for the slip-up and desperately trying to think of an explanation.
"I have no idea what a computer is, and I'm guessing a construction worker is someone who builds places? I'm also guessing that the way you tensed up means that explaining these things to me is going to be difficult?" Aedan said.
She chuckled. "Yeah, it could be a bit tricky. Let's just say it was the tool she used for her trade, though I never found out what that was."
Aedan bent and brushed a kiss across her lips. "That works for me. So, books, huh?"
Emma smiled. "Yeah, I loved to read, and still do. My mum knew all she had to do to keep me quiet was put a book in my hands." A wistful smile played around Emma's mouth. "She used to read to me at night; sometimes my dad would be there too and they'd act out the story, each putting on different voices. My mum was terrible at doing accents, but my dad was a natural. He could swap between them with ease."

She felt a lump in her throat as another memory resurfaced. "They offered to read to me before they went out that night. I was so angry at them for treating me like a child that I told them no. I could have spent more time with them and they would have left knowing how much I loved them." Her breath came in gulps as the tears started to fall. "Instead, they were distracted when they left, thinking I was still angry. If I'd let them tell me that story, the accident might never have happened." The final word was pushed out on a strangled sob, the sound heartbreaking and mournful as it tore from her throat.
Aedan swallowed past a lump in his own throat as he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, petting her hair with long strokes and pressing a kiss to the top of her head whilst she cried out her guilt and sorrow. Silently, he let her pour out all the grief she'd been keeping bottled up for so long, hoping it would help her to heal.

Eventually, the sobs became hiccups and he gently pried her away from his chest, although her hands still fidgeted with the buttons of his shirt. "Emma, you must know in your heart that you weren't responsible for the death of your parents. They knew you still loved them, an argument wouldn't have distracted them. It's just a sad fact of life that when it's your time to go, there's not a lot you can do to stop it."
She took the handkerchief he held out to her and wiped at her eyes and nose as she contemplated his words. When she'd found out about the death of her parents, she'd been eight years old, and still annoyed at being dumped with a babysitter. With those few words from the solemn policeman, the anger had changed to guilt and she'd spiralled into a dark place; unwilling to talk, to eat, to sleep. Out of desperation, her mind had buried everything away in order to survive.

However, at 29, she could view the circumstances with the mind of an adult. She ran through the memories, for the first time accepting the pain that accompanied them, and reached the moment where she'd stood at the front door, her mum and dad in front of her. She heard herself telling them that only babies had stories read to them. Her dad had smiled indulgently. "Ah, our little girl is all grown up now, so I suppose she won't want any ice cream tomorrow." She'd scowled at him, her childish brain unable to think of a suitable retort. Her mum had bent down and placed a kiss on her cheek. "Don't worry, darling. I'll make sure to sneak you some." Emma had tried hard to remain angry but in the end, she giggled at her mum's attempt to whisper to her; she remembered thinking how bad her mum would be as a spy. Her dad had kissed the top of her head. "Don't forget to do your homework, Em."

On that insignificant sentence, they'd left, waving as they climbed into the car. Tears blurred her vision as the poignant memories came to an end. She now understood that she'd made the argument into something of epic proportions when it had ended before they'd even left. Emma felt years of guilt drift away. Finally, the self-made prison door stood open and she walked through it with a joyful heart. "They were smiling when they left. They weren't angry or upset with me and I wasn't angry with them; my mum said something to make me laugh."

A tear sparkled on the tips of her lashes before dropping to her cheeks. Aedan dipped his head and kissed it, tasting the saltiness on his tongue. "How do you feel, Angel?"
She leaned back, staring into the clear night sky, lit with countless twinkling stars, and pulled in a deep, cleansing breath. "I feel... light as a feather." She raised herself using Aedan's arms and met his gaze. "I feel free." She crushed her mouth to his, pouring into him her love and gratitude as she curled her arms around his shoulders; he groaned and tightened his hold on her hips. As the kiss ended, she rested against his chest. "Thank you, Aedan. Maker, that sounds so trite after everything you've done for me."
He leaned back a little. "Do you still love me?"
She answered without hesitation. "I do. I love you with all my heart."
He kissed her again, slowly, gently, and then drew back. "Then that's thanks enough for me."
She gave a watery chuckle and swiped at her eyes. "Damn it, don't start me off again."
Lifting her, he removed the blanket still covering his legs, then wrapped it around her shoulders. He rested his chin on the top of her head as she cuddled up against him, her hand absent-mindedly stroking his chest. They sat that way for a while, with only a sliver of the moon to illumine the night, content to be in each other's company, at least until the cold seeped through the blanket.
"Back to the tent?" Aedan asked. Emma nodded and climbed off his lap, holding the woolly cover around her shoulders. He took her hand and she linked her fingers with his, marvelling at the difference in herself since she'd left camp; she felt renewed, no longer filled with dark anger.

Aedan tied the flap down firmly, as the wind picked up and jumped as Emma's hand glided over the curve of his ass. "Are you taking advantage of my bent-over position?"
She squeezed a firm cheek. "Indeed, I am."
He could hear the saucy smile in her voice, even if he couldn't see it. He pulled her close and walked her to the bedroll where he gently laid her down and quickly undressed. He noticed Emma doing the same, and that she'd gotten herself in a mess with her trousers and boots. He chuckled and helped her out of the predicament... and the rest of her clothing. He looked up and her smile was breathtaking in its beauty. He had his Angel back.
His lean fingers brushed against her flushed cheek. "I love you, Emma."
She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face against his strong throat. "I love you, too, Aedan. You are everything to me - my friend and lover."
Their lips joined in a slow kiss which ignited into a furnace and soon their sounds of satisfaction drifted across the camp.